View Full Version : If You Don't Get It Right the First Time...

03-21-2008, 02:38 PM
Mishatu sat on the roof of her Twinleaf Town home staring at the night sky, her new Vulpix beside her. She sighed, wishing that she could start her Pokémon journey soon.

“Mishatu, get down here!” her mother ordered. “Are you up on the roof again? I will glue those windows shut if you keep going up there.”

The brunette sighed again, rolling her green eyes. ‘Why must that woman always take away the fun I have in life?’ she thought. She stood up and beckoned the fox Pokémon to climb onto her shoulders.

Vulpix simply shook her head and clambered in through the window herself. She liked living here, but, like her trainer, she was eager for some action.

Mishatu ducked in through her bedroom window, ensuring that her neon pink shirt didn’t catch on something and tear. She walked slowly through her filthy room, wishing that she would soon be able to leave.

“Mishatu!” her mother called again, getting noticeably angry. “Get down here before I take that stupid Pokémon from you!”

Shocked by this statement, the 16-year-old girl dashed down the stairs, ready to scream back at her mother. Instead, panting heavily, out came as a growl, “Don’t you dare take Pix away.”

The small fox Pokémon was happily clueless as to what was going on and clambered down the stairs clumsily, as she always did. She saw the mother and daughter glaring at each other and walked between them. The orange-red Pokémon said, “Pix?” causing both women to look at her and laugh because the Vulpix was so adorable.

Mishatu’s mother looked at her daughter. “Mishatu, if you really want to go on a Pokémon journey, I guess I can’t stop you. You can leave tomorrow,” the older woman said, kindness lurking in her voice.

Green eyes widened. “I can?!” Mishatu asked excitedly. Her mother nodded. “Whohoooo!” the teen cheered. “I better go start packing,” she told herself. She ran upstairs and began tossing stuff into her backpack. She had been hungry earlier, but her hunger was forgotten in her excitement. She threw her pink backpack over her shoulder and slid the railing downstairs. She was almost out the door when her mother stopped her.

“I said tomorrow, sweetie.”

“Oh,” Mishatu’s shoulders drooped. She was so eager to leave that to delay her departure a second was painful. To delay it for hours was unbearable torture.

After seeing her daughter’s reaction, her mother relented. “You can go now, but make sure to make a safe camp for tonight. I hope you packed a sleeping bag!” she called as Mishatu ran out the door, Vulpix at her heels.

After running into the dirt route connecting Sandgem Town to Twinleaf, Mishatu slowed down. “Careful, Pix. There are wild Pokémon out here,” she told her Vulpix, her excitement still present in her voice.

“Vulpix, pix,” the small Pokémon flicked her head towards a particular patch of grass.

Mishatu tilted her head, wondering what Pix was trying to tell her. “Go ahead, Pix.”

Given the permission to check out the wiggly patch of brilliant green grass, the fox crouched and began crawling towards it. When she was about an inch away, she pounced.

Mishatu parted the grass and saw Vulpix struggling with a Caterpie. “Hey, those aren’t in Sinnoh. Pix, use Ember, but be careful. We want to catch it,” the brunette suggested to her Pokémon.

The Vulpix used a light Ember, burning the caterpillar Pokémon. She jumped off of the still twitching Pokémon and looked expectantly at her trainer.

“Right! Pokeball, go!” Mishatu threw a red and white orb at the Caterpie, enveloping it in red light. It twitched a couple of times, and Mishatu was waiting fearfully. It broke open and Caterpie slinked away.

“Oh, man…” she groaned. There was one Pokeball wasted. “Pix, do you know where there are any other Pokémon?”

Pix twitched her ear, listening closely. She nodded and padded over to another patch of grass. This time, she immediately pounced on the Pokémon. It was another Caterpie, but this one looked fiercer than the other one.

“Pix, Ember!” Mishatu ordered. Her blood was rushing from adrenaline caused by the battle and anger at her own stupidity earlier.

The fox Pokémon opened her mouth, aiming a path of dark red fire at the Caterpie. She let it loose, only to find that the Caterpie wasn’t there. It was right next to her.

The Caterpie narrowed its eyes and released a String Shot. Vulpix struggled within the string.

“Pix!” Mishatu ran over and began breaking apart the web. After a few moments, the Pokémon was free. “Now use Tackle!”

The Vulpix targeted the caterpillar again. This time, she attacked with her entire body, ramming into the smaller Pokémon. The Caterpie fell to the ground, still trying to get away, but was too weak.

“Let’s try this again. Pokeball, go!” Mishatu threw another orb at the Pokémon. Again, it was enveloped in the red light. The ball stayed on the ground, twitching…

The Pokeball popped open. The caterpillar blinked its large black eyes, looking wondrously at Mishatu. It, so like the other Caterpie, started slinking away.

"Not again!" Mishatu shouted. She clenched her eyes closed, trying to refocus on her goal. She calmed down, relaxing. "Pix, we have to get this Pokémon. Try Tackle again."

Pix nodded her head. She threw her small body at the even smaller Caterpie, shoving it to the ground.

Caterpie struggled to get up, and succeeded. It rammed its own body against Vulpix's, surprising the fox Pokémon. Pix fell back, panting.

"C'mon, Pix. Ember," Mishatu encouraged.

Vulpix coughed a couple times, red flames licking at the sides of her mouth. She then breathed light orange fire over the caterpillar, creating small flames that remained on the soft grass.

The Caterpie looked warily at Vulpix, then lay on the ground.

'Maybe it won't fight anymore,' Mishatu thought. She tossed a Pokeball at it, choosing not to say the traditional phrase. The red and white orb twitched...


Thanks, DG, for grading this! I know that description is one of my weak points, so hopefully I did a bit better with this edit. By the way, with the first Caterpie, Vulpix did attack it at first, weakening it before the Ember.

04-07-2008, 08:27 AM
Grading this soon.

EDIT: here I go.

Story/Plot: Nothing exceptional, honestly. Too basic for my likings, but for a Caterpie it's fine. Remember plots like this can't work at higher level, especially for complex or higher mons. I would've liked seeing a little more developping in this plot, but it's good. I liked the remarks between mom and daughter, honestly.

Grammar/Spelling: No dialogue errors, which is very good honestly. Perhaps some minor things, like:

Green eyes widened. Generally, you should state who are the eyes. Here you described only Mishatu, so it was clear, but remember next time you write something.

slashing at it. Slash doesn't support the "at" preposition. Slashing it was correct.

Description: Fine for this. But it was pretty bad anyway. You didn't describe your character's mother at all, even through we can skip on this in this case as it's a minor character and this story is for Caterpie. Plus, I would've liked a little more description of the background. How did the path look? Was it clear from the grass due massive passage of newbie trainers?

Battle: This WAS HORRIBLE. Even if very weak, a Caterpie can endure a single attack. Especially if not super effective. Plus, Vulpix doesn't learn scratch. Plus, you could be more descrptive. How did the Ember attack look? Was it a soft blow of pepper breath that damaged the weak bug?

Length: I'll never get how this is spelled. This was good, aiming to the middle. Good job.

Outcome: I'm sorry to say this doesn't pass. Caterpie not caught, unless you make a real battle(even 2 attack on the SAME caterpie will work), and perhaps add a little description.

04-12-2008, 01:53 PM
I updated my story. I didn't change much with what I already had written (because I have mental issues about that), but I tried to make the new addition as descriptive as possible.

04-12-2008, 04:23 PM
I was maybe a little too strict the first time, considering this is your first story. Yet, it is better. The battle was a bit longer, maybe one sided if we want to be picky but heh, it's a caterpie. And it's caught!