View Full Version : The Weirdest Birthday Of My Life [PG-13 for Violence]

03-22-2008, 12:02 AM
Yes, I wrote a story. Yes, practically no one knows I exist. But what the heck, here's the story, ready for grading.

Going for: Mantyke
Needed Characters: 5k-10k
Characters: 9291
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
DB gasped. He knew the aquarium contained many wonderful Pokemon, but he never knew that the aquarium was this wonderful. It held many different species of Water Type Pokemon, from Magikarp and Feebas to Wailord and Sharpedo. DB was in awe, and he quickly dashed to one of the larger tanks to take a look at some of the Pokemon. There were Gyarados, Squirtle and Seaking. Swampert lurked around at the bottom of the tank, and Goldeen swam in large schools.

"Look at all these Water Pokemon! There are so many!" DB said, awestruck.

Moving on, he looked at many other different species of Water Pokemon. DB stayed at the aquarium for another hour.

DB had come to the aquarium for his 15th birthday. So far, he had run into an old lady, accidentally went past an 'Employee Only' door, and nearly fall headfirst into a Carvanha tank - all out of his excitement. He had piercing light blue eyes and blonde hair under a black hat. He was wearing a white-and-orange T-shirt and blue shorts.

"All these Water Pokemon are cool!" DB exclaimed. "That Swampert in Tank B5 is so amazing!"

Then, all of a sudden, the alarm bell rang.

On the intercom, a voice said. "Security to Tank A7! Repeat, Security to Tank A7!"

DB decided to go take a look, and perhaps assist the security in the situation if he could. When he got there, he saw security members surrounding a man in a black ski mask. The man had a Weavile beside him, and a cocked gun aimed at the security chief.

"Nobody move, or he dies," said the robber menacingly.

His Weavile moved over to the tank and smashed it open with a Metal Claw. The robber grinned, satisfied with his Weavile's work, and holstered the gun. Instantly, the security chief took out his pistol and fired at the robber. The robber smiled, and his Weavile stopped the bullet with Quick Attack.

"Don't do it again, or I'll kill you," the robber warned.

The robber took out a small pouch from his pocket and opened it to reveal a bunch of Pokeballs. He tossed them at the Water Pokemon, and they went into the Pokeballs. The robber grinned and put the Pokebals back in the bag.

"Well, I'd like to stay, but I've gotta run. Bye now," taunted the robber in a sing-song voice.

DB knew he had to do something, so he quickly took out his Pokeball and sent out Vigoroth. It used Slash to open the pouch that kept all of the Pokeballs. The Pokeballs rolled on the ground, and the security guards all grabbed the Pokeballs and released the Pokemon inside them. Now that the Pokemon were out of their Pokeballs, they all started to attack the robber with a barrage of Water Type attacks. The robber thought this was all DB's fault because he was the one who had sent out the Vigoroth, so as he was getting assualted by water, water and more water, he yelled at Weavile to attack DB with Quick Attack. DB was so surprised, he wasn't able to react to Weavile's attack. When Weavile was about to send DB to the dark, gaping gates of hell, a Mantyke saved DB by using Water Gun. DB had been so stunned by Weavile's quick attack and his near death that he hadn't been able to do anything to prevent the Quick Attack. If it weren't for Mantyke, the Weavile would have killed him. DB murmured this fact over and over again to himself. Eventually, he shook himself back to the real world. The first things he saw were the Water Pokemon and his Vigoroth beating the robber up. The robber tried to say something, but he was too beat up to pronounce it properly. The chief of security ignored the mutter and ordered his men to arrest the robber.

However, the robber's Weavile saw its master going down, and angrily pushed away the Pokemon attacking it with Dark Pulse. The blast of dark energy wiped out many of the chief's officers. Then, it quickly stopped what remained of the efforts to arrest the robber by lashing out with its Night Slash attack. The claws of the Weavile speedily knocked out all the remaining officers, excluding the chief, who was hiding behind a pillar, scared out of his wits. The robber wanted to say "I surrender," but the chief couldn't hear him over his frenzied breathing. The robber got frustrated, so he took out his pistol and shot himself, for he despised the life of crime he lived.

The robber's suicide surprised everyone, especially the Weavile.

"Wea... Weavile..." the Weavile cried mournfully.

The chief of security thanked DB for what he had done, and told him to please leave the area as they cleaned up the mess. DB ran back home, thinking about the cool Mantyke that had saved his life. When he got home, he told his dad everything excitedly.

"Dad, do you know where I could find wild Mantyke?" DB asked after dinner.

"Of course I do. But first of all, you need to calm down, Dragster Breloom," said DB's dad firmly, for all DB had talked about since the incident at the aquarium was the Mantyke.

"Fine," said DB grumpily. "Just remember to call me DB from now on, OK?"

"Fine," DB's dad smiled. "Now, you can find Mantyke in all sorts of places around here, like the beach for example. Another fun way would be for me to take you on a fishing trip."

"I'd rather go to the beach now instead of waiting until later to go fishing," answered DB.

"OK," replied DB's dad, understanding his son's choice.

"See ya later, dad!" yelled DB as he dashed to the garage to retrieve his bike.

DB pulled out of the garage and quickly biked to the beach. When he reached the beach 15 minutes later. DB wondered how he was going to catch a Mantyke. He hadn't brought a fishing rod and even if he had, he wasn't really good at fishing anyway.

"How will I do this?" DB wondered.

He looked around and saw a fisherman fishing a little bit from where he was.

"Hey, mister, can I ask a favor of you?" DB asked.

The fisherman turned. "Hmm? Who the heck are you?"

DB fell to the ground, embarassed. "My name is DB. I'm trying to catch a Mantyke, but I'm no good at fishing. I was hoping you'd fish one up for me so I can battle it and hopefully catch it."

The fisherman gave DB a friendly smile. "Of course I would! Now, you just sit here and wait. It'll only take a couple minutes for me, the Great Fisher Mike, to fish you a Mantyke!"

DB sat down and waited. True to his word, the "Great Fisher Mike" quickly yanked up his fishing rod and up came...

"A Magikarp," DB muttered, disappointed.

"Haha, don't worry, son. Let me try again," The fisherman cast his line again.

This time, a Goldeen came up. The fisherman sweated as DB kicked the Goldeen back into the water.

"The Great Fisher Mike. More like the Late Fisher Mike," DB said discouragingly.

"Look, you want me to get you a Mantyke or not? One last try, I beg of you," the fisherman begged.

"Fine," DB agreed doubtfully.

The fisherman murmured prayers as he cast his line once again. Apparently, they worked, for a Mantyke emerged from the water and landed on the soft sand in front of the thankful fisherman and the astonished DB.

"Jackpot!" DB yelled as he tossed out a Pokeball.

A Buneary flew out from the Pokeball and landed gracefully on its feet.

"Come on, Bunny!" DB yelled enthusiastically.

Bunny held up a fist at the Mantyke threatiningly. The Mantyke glared back at Bunny.

"Start this off with a nice Pound!" I commanded.

Bunny charged the Mantyke, and hit it on the head with its ears. Mantyke wailed in pain, and angrily used Bubblebeam. The bubbles hit Bunny square in the face, and Bunny shook its head, trying to dry its wet fur. Mantyke continued by using a Hydro Pump so powerful, DB thought it might drown Bunny.

"Bunny, no!" I yelled worriedly.

"Bun bun buneary!" Bunny scrunched up its face in intense pain.

The Mantyke headbutted Bunny, then used a close range Wing Attack. The combination of attacks gave Buneary a big bruise between its eyes.

"Grr... Buneary!" Bunny yelled in anger.

Bunny used Jump Kick, knocking the Mantyke deep into the water. The Mantyke tried to escape by going deeper in, but Bunny stopped it by using Quick Attack and knocking it upwards into the sky. The Mantyke flapped its wings clumsily, trying to make for a smooth landing in the water. Bunny stopped the Mantyke's failing attempt with a Bounce attack. Bunny bounced into the sky with its powerful legs and rammed Mantyke mid-air. Bunny and Mantyke fell down from the sky, Bunny gracefully and Mantyke clumsily. Mantyke was twirling around like a torpedo, with a large bruise where Buneary had hit it.

"Good job, Bunny! End this before you hit the ground, knock Mantyke toward me with Dizzy Punch!" DB ordered.

Bunny obeidiently complied and used Dizzy Punch. The attack was fatal, and DB tossed an empty Pokeball at the incoming Mantyke.

The Pokeball soared through the sky, hit Mantyke on the head and made the manta ray Pokemon dropped like a stone. The Pokeball landed in front of DB, and Buneary landed beside the Pokeball. Together, DB, Buneary and the fisherman watched the Pokeball roll around in the sand. It shook once, and the fisherman quivered. It shook a second time, and Buneary quivered. It shook a third time, and DB submitted to the quivering. Would the Pokeball explode open, or would it shake one last time and end this odd birthday?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
This is my first story, so... *wishes self luck*

06-13-2008, 11:42 PM
Introduction: You began with a bit of a hook, with DB gasping at the sight of the aquarium, so that's pretty good. You described your character and the setting pretty well, too, but the character description was more just a block than anything. In the future try mixing your description in with actions, to keep the story going and to make the description more interesting. For example:

The girl opened the door. She had blonde hair, green eyes, and a light blue dress.

This could be made much more interesting by putting in a bit of action.

The girl opened the door a crack, peering in with bright green eyes. She slid through, then closed it again, the wind tugging at her long blonde locks and the trailing skirt of her long green dress.

See? The second is easier to read because there's more going on. It takes practice to get it right, but if you work on it, you'll get better.

Also, in future stories, I would like to see more of the character's history. For example, how DB became a trainer, where his Pokemon came from, ect. Oh, and knowing what DB stood for would be good, too, but I can probably guess. =P

Plot: I thought at first it would be pretty run-of-the-mill, but I have to say, you surprised me. I wasn't really expecting the robber, or that he would kill himself. It was kinda sad that he did, actually, and seemed a bit random, but I felt sorry for the Weavile.

Overall, though, between the aquarium, attempted robbery, and finally going to the beach to catch a Pokemon that a fisherman brought up for you, it was a lot more interesting than I thought it would be. I commend you on that. In the future, though, when you go for more difficult Pokemon, try to come up with something with more twists to make it even more interesting.

Grammar: There weren't a whole lot of grammar mistakes, and most that were here looked like typos, so you're doing a pretty good job in this section. Just be sure to read over your story before you post it.

DB decides to go take a look, and perhaps assist the security in the situation if he could.

To keep this in past tense, 'decides' should be 'decided'.

Bye now." taunted the robber.

When you go on to describe how something in a quotation was said, you end it with a comma rather than a period.

The first thing he saw were the Water Pokemon and his Vigoroth beating the robber up.

'Thing' should be 'things', since he saw more than one Pokemon.

The robber tried to say something but he was too beat up to pronounce it properly.

You need a comma after 'something' to make this a correct compound sentence.

"I surrender.",

To make this correct, just put the comma in place of the period in the quotation.

Length: Meh, you're fine.

Detail/Description: Really, about the only things you described where DB, the aquarium, and the robber. When you're writing, you want to describe everything you see, whether it be the setting, a character, or a Pokemon. It's your job to paint a picture for your readers using words, and make things clear and vivid in their minds. Again, it takes time to be able to get the wording right, and I still haven't quite gotten to that point yet, honestly, but if you work at it, you'll get there. Just be sure to, in the beginning, describe everything as best as you can. What the fisherman looked like, the beach, DB's dad, the Mantyke, everything. And while it may seem silly to describe what a Pokemon looks like in a Pokemon forum, it's still important, in case there is someone out there who doesn't know what a Mantyke is, and to help you get better at description, since you have actual pictures to go off of when it comes to Pokemon.

Battle: Well, it was really short and one-sided, to be honest. There were only three attacks executed, and all of them by Buneary. The battle itself is the most important part of your story; it's the climax that the rest of the story has been building up to. You need to make it as long and exciting as possible, but still keep your readers interested. When it's obvious through the whole thing who is going to win, it's not any fun to read. It's just about a Buneary beating up a Mantyke. So, you really need to give the other Pokemon a fighting chance, and let them get some attacks in.

On the plus side, though, the attacks that were there were pretty well described, at least in the final battle. In the fight with Weavile, it would have been better if you had gone on to describe the Dark Pulse and Night Slash attacks as well. Did a pulse of darkness shoot out of Weavile and hit the battling water-types? Did the Weavile's claws turn black when it used Night Slash? Be sure to include how all the attacks are executed and how they hit in the battle.

Outcome: Mantyke not Captured! I just felt like there wasn't enough of a battle to get the Pokemon. If you make it longer and two-sided, I'll give you the manta Pokemon. When you're done editting, feel free to PM me.

06-14-2008, 02:21 AM
Thanks. I thought this was never gonna get graded. >_>

*starts editing*