View Full Version : A Shocking Battle!

-Pichu Boy-
03-22-2008, 09:17 PM
Mark looked at the weak trainer in front of him, threw back his head and laughed a mighty laugh.

“You wish to challenge me, the Elite Four Champion?” he asked.

“Y-y-yes,” the trainer stuttered. “My name’s J-J-Jim, and I’ve m-m-managed to get p-p-past the Elite F-F-Four, so you’re the n-n-next targ-g-get” Mark hesitated. He had to challenge anyone who had proven themselves worthy, but this weed couldn’t beat a girl scout… could he?

“Alright then, let’s go. Referee!” Mark called. A man of about twenty walked in, wearing a black and white-striped shirt, black trousers and holding a red flag in his left hand, a green in his right. He pressed a button and a humungous battlefield rose from the ground between the Champion and the Challenger.

“This battle will be a 3v3 double battle versus Champion Mark and Jim from Viridian City. Only the Challenger may make substitutions and the Champion shall send out his Pokémon first. Begin!” he commanded.

“Alright, Ambipom and Snorlax, you’re up first!” Mark shouted, throwing two red-and-white balls into the air. The balls opened and, I in a flash of white light, a purple monkey with two tails that ended in blue fists and a bear with a huge, tan coloured belly appeared. Jim looked terrified as he reached for two Pokéballs on his belt.

“I choose Quilava and Delcatty!” he said, as he threw the balls. They opened and out came a fox-like creature with fire on its back and a cat that was all tan, except for red on its ears, the tip of its tail and something around its neck.

It wasn’t long before the Pokémon out were different. Mark still had Ambipom out on the field, but Snorlax had fainted and was switched with a round pokémon with a long tail and a ball on its head, called Chimecho. Jim, on the other hand only had 1 Pokémon on the field, a brown rodent with sharp teeth with a tail like a rat’s, called Raticate. It looked truly beat.

“Alright, Ambipom, let’s finish this battle. Use Focus Punch!” Mark commanded. One of Ambipom’s tails glowed white and the creature ran forward. He swung his tail and was about to make contact. Getting closer and closer, until…


Mark rolled onto his back. ‘What a great dream that was’ he thought to himself. ‘I wish I could make it come true’. Mark then felt aware of pressure on his chest. He opened his eyes and looked into the eyes of a Pokémon. Startled, Mark threw himself onto his feet, making the Aipom go flying. He managed to land on its feet, but was still shocked. Mark brushed himself down and took a moment to remember where he was.

“That’s right…” he said. “I’m outside the Power Plant”. Mark turned and gazed at the tall building that stood before him. Inside was the core generator for running the city’s power. Recently, it had stopped working, and Mark had volunteered himself to go inside and figure out why. He sighed as his Aipom, nicknamed Ipamo, climbed onto Mark’s shoulder. “Well, Ipamo, looks like we’d better get a move on. The generator’s not gonna fix itself,” Mark said to the purple monkey perched on his shoulder.

“Ai ai! Pom!” Ipamo chuckled in agreement. Mark went to pick up his backpack but stopped as he saw a clean pair of pyjamas in it.

“That’s funny,” he said to Ipamo. “Didn’t I wear these last night…?” Ipamo giggled and shook its head. “But that means I must’ve…” Mark started, before looking down. He was dressed in the clothes he was wearing the day before. Ipamo started laughing, so much that he fell off of Mark’s shoulder. “Ha ha, very funny” Mark exclaimed sarcastically. He reached into his pocket and his hand clasped a Pokéball. Pressing the button to enlarge it, Mark pointed it at Ipamo. “Alright, wise guy, get back in here” he commanded. A beam of red shot out of the button in the centre of the ball and covered Ipamo, who was rolling around on the ground, in hysterics. Instantly, he disappeared. Mark hitched the Pokéball to his belt, put his backpack over his shoulder and opened the doors of the Power Plant.

As Mark looked in he found out that no lights were on at all. Mark knew that if he closed the door, it would be pitch black, so he left the door open and wandered down the corridor. Soon he was out of the light from the door’s range, so he started to feel his way along the wall until he came to a door. He turned the handle and was instantly blinded by light. He walked inside and, as his eyes started to adjust, he noticed a big generator in front of him. ‘That must be the core generator!’ he thought. He saw a computer in the side and sat down in front of it. It showed the readings of how much power the generator produced. ‘Everything seems to be normal, so why isn’t the city getting any power?’ he wondered. He swivelled on the chair and then saw a Pokémon with straps on it staring at him. Mark followed the straps with his eyes, and they lead back to the generator. “But why’s this Elekid stealing all the electricity?” Mark wondered aloud. The Elekid looked angry, and electricity started crackling between the antennae on its head. Mark stopped wondering what was making the Elekid steal the power, but the only way to stop it was to catch it. So, Mark unhitched Ipamo’s Pokéball and launched it into the air. It opened and out came the Aipom, landing on the hand at the end of its tail. More electricity crackled as the Elekid noticed a battle was nigh. Without hesitating, a bolt of lightning shot towards Ipamo, taking him completely by surprise.

“Elekid!” the yellow Pokémon shouted, taunting Ipamo.

“Come on Ipamo, use Swift!” Mark called. Ipamo jumped into the air and, with a swish of its tail, sent an array of stars towards Elekid. The Elekid stood there until the last moment, when it jumped and shot another bolt of lightning at Ipamo. This time, though, Mark was ready. “Ipamo, use Agility and dodge that Thunderbolt!” he commanded. Ipamo was then nothing but a purple and tan blur and swiftly dodged the Thunderbolt. Ipamo suddenly stopped behind Elekid. “Perfect! Now use Double Hit!” Mark shouted. Ipamo ran towards Elekid and rammed into it not once, but twice. The Elekid teetered, but kept its balance. Once it was sturdy, it dashed closer to Ipamo, before jumping with its leg straight out. Mark panicked, and shouted out “Ipamo, use Screech!” without thinking. Ipamo opened its mouth and let out an ear-splitting cry that stopped Elekid straight in its tracks. Mark smiled and told Ipamo “Now, whilst it’s distracted, use Double Hit again!” The purple Pokémon crashed into Elekid twice and the Electric Pokémon fell to the floor. Mark grabbed a Pokéball out of his pocket and threw it at the fainted Elekid. Mark watched eagerly as the Pokeball swayed once… twice… and…

Pokémon attempting to catch: Elekid
Characters needed: 5-10k
# of Characters (w/o spaces): 5,483
# of Characters (w/ spaces): 6,657

03-31-2008, 03:40 PM
And failed...

no kidding, I have some spare time so let's get this on quickly.

Story: Mark has voluntereed himself to go and check what's wrong in the New Mauville, because no energy arrives to the city. He enters in the underground power plant and finds the problem is caused by an Elekid that is sucking the energy. Since it's causing troubles, Mark decides to catch it.

It was very cliché, plus being a quest from the advance games didn't help much its originality. For a simple Pokemon it's fine, but be more creative if you're aiming at higher ranks. A plot like this would have little chances in, let's say, a complex category story. Although Mark wondering why the Elekid was acting that way was interesting.

Detail/Description: Pretty basic. You described the referee, said that Ipamo has a hand at the end of his tail, and the elekid has antennae. But you didn't explain anything else. First of all, how did Mark look? Was him a tall, big, blond haired guy, with built muscles, so handsome he made guys spit venom and girls drool? Or was him an average guy, dark-haired, wearing glasses? And how was he dressed? These things are important as they help the reader focalize your character. In your mind, Mark can be in a way. In mine, I tend to not imagine things that are not described.

Also, never assume the reader knows how a Pokemon is. True, you dare to find someone on a pokemon forum who doesn't know how said pokemon looks, but it's better to put a small description when talking of a Pokemon, as it varies things in the story and helps not making it repetitive and boring. Ipamo could've been, for example, "the purple monkey", "the ape Pokemon", while Elekid could've been called "the battery Pokemon", "the electric type". It makes it more interesting

Grammar/Spelling: Minor things, and not many. A few problems with dialogues, that's it.

Mark rolled onto his back. ‘What a great dream that was’ he thought to himself. ‘I wish I could make it come true’
At the end of a dialogue, always put a comma, if the dialogue is followed by an action related to the dialogue(verbs say, think, shout etc.)

That's actually the only kind of error you made. Kind, not the only one. There are quite a few in the story.

Lenght: the least isn't the best. It makes a story look rushed, almost gives it a bad reputation, in my opinion. Always aim to the middle, or, at least in the lower ranks, max out the required lenght. It's not bad.

Outcome: You whine too much. This story was very plain, and had nothing exceptional or interesting. You should work on your description. A lot. Anyway, I'm not feeling like saying anything more. Elekid (barely) caught. And don't bother if nobody grades your story as soon as it's posted. It may take weeks, or even months(like one of my stories waited)

-Pichu Boy-
04-01-2008, 08:29 AM
Ok, sorry about my impatience, it's just this would've been my first URPG story being graded, so I wanted it graded so badly. I'll be more patient with the next one :).

And I forgot that was a part in the Hoenn games >.<

But, now that I've realised my mistakes...

WOO-HOOO! *dances around, singing "I barely caught an Elekid!"*