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Phantom Kat
03-25-2008, 04:43 AM
Ready for grade. =)

Hehe, this idea came to me and while I was trying to figure out how to write the rest of my Spiritomb story, I began to write this. I was going to expand on it but I just wrapped it up to get it out of the way. ;p

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Pounding Madness

Part 1: Lovin’ It

The red-headed woman frowned as she saw a buttered biscuit disappear from the her kitchen plate in a pale flash. Putting down the greasy spatula on the edge of the stove, she turned around to glance at the teenager who was having a hard time putting on her forest-green vest. Her ponytail that reached to her mid-back was tangled around her the cyan blouse had more wrinkles than the elderly.

“Hannah,” she sighed, shifting her weight and giving her daughter a critical look mixed with exasperation. The orange-haired girl looked up as her name as called, a laminated card threatening to fall from her mouth. “Why can’t you sit down and eat a full breakfast one of these mornings?”

Hannah’s green eyes flew towards the sizzling pan on the stove and a pang of guilt hit her. Straightening, her vest now on, she took a bite form the golden biscuit she took and pocketed her card in one of the many pockets of her cargo pants.

“I’m running late as I am, Mom,” she stated, her voice showing the guilt she felt earlier. She knew her mother always made delicious pancakes in the hopes that she would sit down and eat some but Hannah never did. “I have to get to the pound before ten.”

Her mom, Eva Sweet, sighed again and would have rubbed her temples if her hands weren’t so greasy. The bun on her head bobbed as she turned back to her cooking, the apron she wore swirling around her pudgy frame. Grabbing her spatula, she flipped the batter that was already solidifying, a sizzle echoing in the small kitchen.

“I just wish you could start you day out with more than a biscuit, certainly those Pokemon work you to the bone.”

The thirteen-year-old girl sheepishly walked of the kitchen that was covered with pink wallpaper, fingering her small breakfast. Blowing a long strand of hair from her face, she made her way to the door.

“Be back at five,” Hannah called out, wanting to get of the house as soon as possible and just breathe in the calming air this Saturday morning had to offer. When her mom said, “Okay!” over the loud, hissing sound of food being made, Hannah wretched opened the door to set to do what she loved.

______

“She just doesn’t understand,” she told herself, chaining her ruby-colored bike onto one of the many metal poles the facility provided. “I love volunteering here. I get to be around Pokemon like trainers do but I don‘t have to leave town to do so.” When the firm ‘click!’ of her lock resounded, she stood up from her kneeled position and faced the building in front of her: The Rescuing Facility for Lost and Abandon Pokemon. However, the one story building that was made from mahogany-colored bricks was more commonly known as the pound.

Hannah smiled despite the deteriorating state the building was in, walking through the small field that held weeds amongst the flowers that were planted once a month. The blood-red and topaz flowers seemed to be overpowered by the ugly, seaweed-colored plants that were hell-bent on growing as much as they could. The cobblestone path Hannah was walking on was littered with autumn-themed leaves that have fallen from the two trees on either side of the path.

“Maybe I’ll offer to do some gardening next week,” she thought aloud, a bit saddened in seeing such beautiful plants being taken over by parasites. With one last glance at the unruly plants, she pushed opened the metal door that announced her arrival with a bell that had an uncanny appearance to a Chingling.

Before she got a chance to greet everybody with a warm hello, the breath was knocked from her lungs and she was sent sprawling to the floor. Landing hard, she didn’t even have a chance to loudly exclaim. Once she got her breathing back in check, she opened her eyes to find out why her cheeks were getting wetter and wetter by the second.

“Oh, Po,” she chuckled upon seeing a Growlithe on her chest, his pink tongue constantly licking her face. The orange dog striped with black gave a joyful bark but upon her order, jumped off her and onto the hardwood floor instead. As Hannah got up, a bit shaken but used to these kind of surprises, the floor vibrated under her as footsteps came their way.

“I’m sorry about that,” a male voice apologized. Hannah looked up and took the hand of James Power, a sixteen-year-old who has been working at the facility ever since she came three years ago. He smiled under the mop of chestnut hair he had and though he was overweight, the denim jeans and the navy T-shirt he had under his emerald vest suited him very well.

“It’s okay,” she told him upon seeing his hazel eyes full of concern, rubbing Po’s head who closed his eyes to enjoy the sensation. James chuckled sheepishly and picked up Po, who pouted at the fact he was now going back to the room he had escaped seconds ago. Hannah smiled down at the amber-eyed pup and said, “I know he’s one of the most energetic Pokemon we have.”

With one last ‘sorry’, the heavy boy jogged to a room labeled “Medical Care” that was located at the left hand side of the room. Hannah shook her head at the pair of characters she had grown fond of and with the card she had dropped because of the incident, she clocked in by swiping her card in the vertical slot of an electronic box attached to the wall. When the fluid motion was complete, the built-in clock chimed in acknowledgement.

Hannah looked around the lobby of the pound, the counter behind her made of aged oak with a line of seats at the far, north wall. The door that Po and James had run into was next to a door that led into the main offices; on the opposite side, the door that led to the kennels stood tall and proud. Hopping over the counter, the person in charge more than likely running late as usual, her eyes swept over the foot long bulletin board. Ignoring colorful notices and ads, she tried to find the task she had been assigned to do first thing in the morning by one of the head officials.

“Hannah,” she began to read once she found her name among the columns of names of other employees. “The Bagon in kennel 204 is ready for his annual scale check-up, make sure you do that first.” The girl read ahead and scowled once she got to the end. “…by your loving friend, Jake. Ha ha ha ha.”

Once she finished imitating the hollow laughs, she jumped over the counter and made her way to the kennels. Barking, meowing, and every animal noise in between immediately bombarded her ears when she got closer but she was so used to it, it barely registered in her mind. Instead, the mental note of murdering Jake, the head assistant, was glued to her memory. It wasn’t like she hated doing these kind of tasks, quite the opposite, but the fact that she got stuck with the ones the pompous Jake didn’t want to do made her quite vexed.

Upon entering the kennels, the Pokemon noises intensified by ten fold and it was enough to snap her from her miffed stupor. Noise was not the only thing that came to her. Smells, both pleasant and unpleasant, flooded her nose and if she was someone who wasn’t used to this, she would grimace and hesitate in continuing her trek.

The sky was visible again for this was the only section of the building that did not have a roof. The sun that was steadily making its way upwards was shining down on the Pokemon that made their home here. However, a roof-like structure was ready to pull out via some small cranes inside if the need ever came. A long, cement pathway was before her, a row of kennels on each side.

Hannah began to search for her patient and as she did, Pokemon of all kinds greeted her. A Poochyena pawed at the gate that held him in his kennel, tongue lolling and his dark ears perked. Beside the Dark dog, a young Umbreon raised his head, blinked, and went back to sleep. A Psyduck quacked a hello and playfully squirted a Water Gun that glimmered in the sunlight. Though more than half splattered into the metal gate, some managed to hit Hannah’s face.

“Remind me to show you a lesson later, Bryce,” she told the honey-colored Water type, a smirk on her smooth face. The duck cocked his head at her retreating form, the threat forgotten instantly.

“Now,” she began, kneeling down in front of a kennel. From the corner of the kennel came walking out a small bipedal creature, sapphire body coming out into the light. “Hey there,” Hannah greeted, rubbing his head covered in a white, bone-like material. “You need to come with me.”

The Bagon looked apprehensive when Hannah opened the gate but once he was sure nothing was going to attack him, he walked out into the open. To reassure him, Hannah picked him up, closing the gate behind her. As she let soothing words flow from her mouth, she ran her hands over his blue and tan body. His scales were dry but too dry; they seemed so brittle that she thought they would chip off if she rubbed him the wrong way.

Whoever was his trainer was a jerk, she snapped in her mind, jade eyes narrowing at an imaginary foe. Hannah told herself to calm her anger less Bagon picked up on her emotions and become nervous. With her cheerful demeanor back in check, she pushed open the door and left the noisy world behind her.

The new surroundings made the Rock Head Pokemon in her arms jump slightly but with a gentle yet firm squeeze from Hannah, he calmed down and let only his eyes snap to and fro. She began to stroke his back to calm his nerves further, her eyes now on him instead of what was in front of her.

She was forced to swallow her hushed words when she bumped into something incredibly sturdy. Instinctively holding the Dragon type tight against her, she fell to the floor on her back, her lungs once again airless. Bagon’s confidence shattered in that instant and with a quick and almost painless bite to the teen‘s wrist, Hannah was forced to release him. He shot out of her arms and began to run to a direction she could not see from her angle. Glancing up, she saw a boy she did not recognize staring down at her. Seconds passed and when Hannah realized he was not going to help her up, she got to her feet with an annoyed expression.

“The least you could have done was help me up or apologize,” she quickly snapped at him and before she could take a good look at him and see his reaction, she trotted off to catch Bagon. Her eyes quickly surveyed the area, faintly hearing running footsteps.

Moments later, she spotted a stumpy, blue tail peeking out one of the chairs, Pokemon magazines spread all over the shined floor. Kneeling down, Hannah gently took him and hugged him securely to her chest. The fact that he practically vibrated in her arms made her scowl deeply. Before she could calm the small Dragon down, a hand landed on her shoulder accompanied with, “Hannah, I need to talk to you.”

Immediately recognizing the voice, the teenager turned to face Jake Tate. The blonde boy’s smirking expression made her stomach churn; certainly he wasn’t here to announce she had won the Rustboro Lottery. The older boy was not alone, however, the guy she had bumped into seconds ago was by his side.

“Hannah,” Jake started, his grin now beginning to reach his ears. The more his smirk grew, the more the thirteen-year-old dreaded what was going to come from his mouth. “This is Lan and he’s going to be your assistant.”

Phantom Kat
03-25-2008, 04:46 AM
Part 2: Help Not Wanted

The red-head’s mouth dropped open and she hugged Bagon closer to her. Shock momentarily clouded her senses, causing her to ignore Jake’s gleeful expression. She only looked at him and Lan, who seemed to be paying minimal attention to this new development, as though they had grown an extra limb.

“What do you mean he’s my new assistant?” she demanded, eyes set on Jake. Jake was not deterred from the sudden rise in her voice and he shrugged, running his hand through his long hair in the manner he knew irritated her.

“Lan here got into some trouble and he needs to do some volunteer work to clear.” His nonchalant tone made Hannah flare up in anger.

“You mean he’s a criminal?!” she barked at him, taking a step forward and facing Jake straight in his sapphire eyes.

“I’m right here, you know,” Lan finally spoke up and the bitterness in his bass voice made Hannah turn to him in an instant. “And don’t think I’m here because I want to. The last place I want to spend a Saturday in is in this run-down hole.”

Hannah’s lips were set together in a thin line, the blood rushing to her face in anger. She turned to Jake, his lean face looking as joyful as it could get, and Hannah wasn’t sure who she hated more at the moment.

“I’ll be off, people and Pokemon to see,” Jake told them, the smile of the Cheshire cat on him. “I’ll let you two get acquainted. Lan, you will be helping Hannah in all that she does and you follow her orders, as ridiculous as it seems.” With a short wave, he left them and Hannah knew his smile had increased tenfold.

“You’re the boss, what are we going to do?”

Hannah faced him again and now took in his appearance. He was a head taller than her with dark violet hair that covered his head in long, uneven strands. Long face was the home of pair of amethyst eyes that seemed too deep to be normal. Amber T-Shirt was covered by a black, leather jacket and his combat boots that peeked from beneath his denim jeans clicked against the floor whenever he walked.

“We’re going to do a scale check-up on this Bagon,” she started and explained further when she saw Lan raise a sleek eyebrow, “which means we’re going to check the state of his scales.”

“Seems like he doesn’t want to cooperate,” Lan commented as they walked towards the “Medical Care” room.

“He was calm before I fell a while ago,” she informed him through gritted teeth, eyes determinedly set on the double doors that were coming closer.

“Maybe you should watch where you’re going next time,” he responded with a clip tone, eyes looking everywhere but at her.

To avoid punching him in the face, Hannah pushed open the double doors with an elbow, frowning when Lan just strode inside instead of helping her get in.

The smell of medicine and sterile equipment bombarded their noses. The room was as big as the lobby they had just left with the right and left walls were covered with tables holding all kinds of equipment from laptops hooked up to monitors to ventilators needed for breathing. The handful of Pokemon that were staying here were in their individual beds at the far end of the room, the ones that needed to be monitor hooked up to their computer or machines.

“Now, go get me a pair of those probes,” Hannah instructed as she put Bagon on an empty examining table, jerking a thumb to the table beside them. She smoothed Bagon’s scales that were standing on end, a sure sign that he was nervous about the whole ordeal. Deftly, she opened a jar to her right and offered Bagon a Pokemon Treat. The creature swallowed the brown, crunchy pellet in one gulp and once he swallowed and looked at Hannah, he a toothy smile was on his face.

Lan returned with the steel rods and Hannah quickly grabbed one. “Now, we need to gently lift up his scales, especially since seem they to be in pretty bad shape, and make sure that both the scales and the skin underneath are good.”

“Hold on,” Lan said and Hannah shot him an annoyed look. “You just said his scales were lousy and now you’re saying we have to check every single scale to check for that?”

Once again, Hannah restrained the urge to snap. “I know I said that but we need to check if the roots of his scales are in the same state because if they are, he’s in big trouble.”

Lan did not argue this and now, Hannah instructed him on what to do. “The first thing we do is rub some specialm reptile oil on the spot you’re going check, which makes the scales more flexible and easier to handle.” With the hand that wasn’t holding Bagon’s torso, Hannah scooped some gel-like substance from a jar next to her and began to rub it the Pokemon’s leg; Bagon let out a soft sigh of relief as the green substance sunk into every thirsty crevice of his scales. Without even looking to see if Lan was following, Hannah continued, only wanting to finish this as soon as possible.

“Still keeping a firm hand on Bagon, so he doesn’t squirm, level yourself with the area and begin to carefully lift the scales. We’re not doing every single one of them, just a majority of them so we can get a good idea of how healthy each area is.”

This time, the light-haired girl looked up. Lan was bent over Bagon’s stump of a tail and was carelessly lifting up scale after scale. Bagon flinched in pain and if Hannah wasn’t holding him, she was sure he would have bolted long before.

“Lan, stop, you’re doing it too harshly!” she snapped, lunging and taking the rod from his hand. The dark-haired teenager scowled at her and Hannah shot back the look, caressing Bagon’s throbbing tail. “Were you even listening to what I what I was telling you?”

“Well I’m sorry if I’m no Nurse Joy,” Lan replied, sarcasm practically dripping off his words. Popping the collar of his jacket, he leaned against the table with a layback expression. “And you do know I have no interest in being here.”

“And do you know I have no interest in being here with you?” she shot back and was glad they were the only two humans in the room. Feeling Bagon shaking again, she decided that this moment in time was not suitable for a flame war and said instead, “How about if you just feed the Lairon in kennel 102? The Steep type food is over by the far left table behind you.”

Lan’s eyes wandered to where Hannah pointed and without another word, followed her orders. Hannah huffed and continued the check-up, Bagon now back to his calm state. When the doors closed and Lan’s footsteps faded into the lobby, the female teen put down the probe, closed her eyes, and sighed in frustration.

What did she do to deserve this? Why in Jirachi’s name did this happen on the only day of the week she escaped from life’s problems? She didn’t have to ask why her, she knew Jake wanted to make her life as miserable as possible ever since she had accidentally walked on him and his girlfriend just as they were about to kiss.

“I hardly think he’s a good kisser, anyway,” she told nobody in particular, getting back to her job of checking Bagon’s scales. However, fate seemed to have something different in store for the doors burst open with a bang that echoed in the room, the bark that came loose from whatever entered making the equipment rattle.

It also made Hannah yelp in fright and fall backwards, causing her to chip off one of Bagon’s blue scales. The mountain dweller cried out in pain and immediately jumped off the metal table, running towards a safe haven as fast as his stumpy legs could carry him. Hannah jumped to her feet as another bark rang in the air.

“Poochyena, no!” she yelled out once she had her balance back in check and saw what was happening. The small canine had burst into the room and was running around excitedly. Hannah’s eyes snapped back and forth as she tried to follow the hyperactive Pokemon and she dived once she thought he was still enough. The steely-gray pup saw her coming and easily bounded out of the way, making Hannah land, once again, ungracefully on the floor.

“Hannah!” The short yet loud call made her turn. She found Lan in the doorway, his clothes looking tussle and his hair a bit messier (if that was possible). Retying her hair for her ponytail was falling apart, Hannah approached in quick, angry strides.

“What. Happened?” Hannah demanded, finishing off her tying with a snap of her hair band. To her surprise, Lan flinched slightly.

“I fed that Larion but then that Ponyta went absolutely bonkers and opened the gate then opened the one next to her…”

The rest went unheard because Hannah was already running towards the lobby, shouting back, “Catch that Poochyena!”

She could hear Ponyta’s neighing and Jake’s yells as he tried get the horse under control. Lan must have taken the Lairon out to feed him and Ponyta must have saw him; the Fire type always grew jealous when Lairon was fed before her, something that made everybody raise an eyebrow.

“OW!”

Hannah stumbled as something hit her right ankle so hard, tears immediately came to her eyes. Stumbling, she turned and watched as a bone flew back to its owner that was standing near the counter. The Cubone narrowed his jet-black eyes from inside his skull helmet, the chocolate-colored tail that matched in hue with the rest of his body beating the floor furiously. The lanky girl noticed a scorch mark on his bone helmet, the chalky ebony contrasting greatly with the white, no doubt a gift from Ponyta’s rant.

“Sorry, Cubone but I can’t be here.”

The minute she turned her back, the same bone Cubone held in his hand whizzed past her head and she dropped to the floor to avoid getting hit when it flew back. She turned again and saw Cubone holding his bone club threateningly above his head, ready to release another Boomerang attack if she dared move. With Jake busy with Ponyta and Lan, hopefully, busy trying to catch Poochyena, she didn’t see a way to get out of this situation.

“Have it your way, then.” In one quick, fluid motion, her hand flew to the belt that held her beige cargo pants up and threw her only Poke Ball in the air. The sphere cracked in half, letting a flood of blood-red light pour onto the floor. The small Ground type stepped back as the light materialized into a purple being who was held up by his strong, hand-like tail. The Aipom chirped, purple ears twitching as the rest of his violet body swayed back and forth playfully.

“Jackie,” Hannah called to the Normal type, getting back to her feet and bracing herself for the upcoming battle. “Start out with Fake Out!”

Jackie the Aipom nodded once and leaped into the air using his muscled tail. Titling his body, he came straight at Cubone, cheerful smile now changed into one of determination. The Lonely Pokemon threw his bone again but to his surprise, the monkey disappeared in a haze of smoke as black as his own eyes. Before he could turn around to see where his opponent had gone to, a whack on the head from behind sent him flying forward.

Jackie landed from where he materialized, the end of his tail twitching after he hit the hard-as-rock skull, and ran towards Cubone for his next attack. Cubone got back to his feet with agility he hadn’t shown before and launched himself at the Long Tail Pokemon as hard as his short legs could manage. It was too late to reel back and Jackie was hit the Headbutt.

The tree climber was thrown back, his eyes dazed and the room spinning but he planted his tail firmly on the floor. His weight stopped its descent to the ground and his body was up righted. Jackie shook his head to clear all the stars that invaded his vision but when he looked down, he was faced with a pair of very intimidating eyes that held him still for a moment. The splitting headache that was beginning to form was temporarily forgotten, the fact that he was in battle irrelevant.

“Jackie, shake it off and use Tickle!”

The order did it. The Aipom blinked twice and suddenly leaned backwards with all his weight. The Bone Club grazed his cream chest, a follow-up move to the Leer that held him in a trance seconds ago, and Jackie jumped back with his pale tail. The moment he landed, he jumped forward with his hind legs.

He tilted his limber body as Cubone attempted another Bone Club, grabbed the Ground Pokemon by the shoulders, and landed behind him. Jackie moved his hands under Cubone’s armpits and locked him into a position the small Pokemon could not get out of. Cubone struggled by kicking his legs and trying to wave his bone in an effort to hit Jackie in the head. It was in vain and he could only utter furious cries.

Jackie snaked his tail out front and began to tickle Cubone’s rough chest. The Cubone’s cries of anger now became high pitched and less threatening, eventually forming into hysterical laughs. He kicked his legs harder and the wiggling became more pronounced but Jackie still held his opponent tight; the furry mammal couldn’t help but crack a smile as he saw tears leaking out of the reptile’s eyes.

“Jackie, stop having fun and use Swift!”

The purple monkey pouted but did as he was told. He released the laughing Cubone, who dropped to the floor panting and trying to regulate his breathing. Jackie raised his tail and jumped to the air with a gleeful, “APE!” In one rapid arc, he swung his tail and let a flurry of golden stars fly from his tail. A screeching noise invaded all of their ears as the Swift cut through the air like shuriken and Hannah and Cubone covered their ears, eardrums already throbbing.

“Cu… bone bone!” The Kanto burrower said through gritted teeth as the attack hit him. With each hit of a star, the glittering object disappearing as soon as it did its damage, he began to slide backwards, his paws still to his ears that were ringing inside his second skull. The floor screeched along with the celestial attack as his claws scratched the polished wood underneath.

“Now use Fury Swipes!”

Brushing the last stars from around him, Jackie landed on the floor and got out his small but lethal claws. Cubone looked up and was bombarded by a storm of scratches. Claw against bone was a horrible sound and Hannah flinched from where she was standing. Cubone shook his head, exclaiming whenever a claw nicked his face instead of his mother’s skull. When Jackie reeled back, Cubone put his bone in front of him and blocked a right handed swipe. Flinching for his chest also suffered bleeding scratches, he mustered all his strength and pushed Jackie back.

It was now Cubone’s turn to push back and launch himself into an attack. He came shooting at Aipom with blinding speed, the light that was reflected by the floor from the overhead lights matching with the opaque light that began to shine around his body.

“Cubone!” With that battle cry, Cubone held out his bone in front of him and used it to ram the childish Aipom as hard as he could. Jackie cried out and hit the floor and when he rebounded off, body limp, Cubone rammed him again, this time spinning his club. One of the ends hit Jackie right in the jaw, making it snap shut with a disturbing crack. The rest of his body was hit with blow after blow that knocked the air out of him.

Jackie landed on the floor, crashing into some chairs, and Cubone landed on his feet with a triumphant grin peeking from the inside of his second skull. However, he buckled and held his stomach with a pained expression etched on his scaly features soon afterwards. While the Double Edge aftermath plagued him, Jackie squirmed out of the chairs that had fallen over him, flinching from bruises he had suffered.

“Use Agility to get back in the game and then use Double Hit!”

Jackie got to his feet, pushing away the pain and soreness he felt, and began to sprint towards Cubone. Beige and amethyst merged together in one blur and his constant chatter became incoherent. Cubone turned this way and that, standing still and trying to hear the monkey coming close. Unfortunately for him, Jackie’s steps were much too light to detect and he swallowed hard to keep himself from becoming too dizzy.

Quick as a whip, Jackie detached himself from the whirlwind of colors he had created and launched himself. He knocked Cubone off his feet when he hit him with his shoulder and while the nimble tree climber was still in midair, slapped the Ground type in the head with his heavy tail. This made Cubone’s scaly body flip over and slide towards the counter where he was abruptly stopped with a bang that made the papers on top shake. Hannah winced as she saw his mother’s skull vibrate, imagining the unbearable ringing that must have manifested within.

A good day of rest and he’ll be…

To her surprise, a Poke Ball entered her line of vision, soaring through the air and hitting the unconscious Cubone’s torso. The girl whirled around and found Lan leaning against the doorframe of the medical room, his belt lined with Poke Balls now visible; one was missing from its clip.

“We’re not supposed to catch them!” she yelled at him but Lan merely waved her off. Dark eyes smirked from underneath the veil of purple bangs.

“This Pokemon need a home, right? Who are you to refuse him that privilege?”

Hannah was lost for an answer as the Poke Ball on the floor wiggled from side to side.

______

Uggh, I kept putting Aipom as "she' throughout the battle 'cause I kept thinking of this girl in my class who's name is Jackie and is obessed with monkeys. O_o

Pokemon: Cubone
Min. Characters: 10K - 20K
Total Characters: 28,688K

Bryce
04-07-2008, 07:43 AM
Story/Plot: So we have Hannah, a thirteen-year-old girl, who has a passion for volunteering at the Pokemon Pound. On a usual day of doing her rounds, Jake, a supervisor of the institute, approaches her and tells the girl of the news that she will have a new assistant named Lan, who has a criminal history. Their personalities clash as they attempt to take care of the Pokemon, and when he accidentally lets loose many of the Pokemon, Hannah must fend off a rampaging Cubone whilst struggling to maintain order in the facility.

It wasn’t your best work…. I can tell you that. The plot was just…okay. I didn’t really notice anything particularly special about it, like in many of your other stories, and I was a bit disappointed at the lack of building to the plot. You sort of skipped right to the point, which is great in some situations, but I didn’t favor it here. Don’t get me wrong, this story far outreaches 99% of the other stories on these boards, but you have to understand that I am not really comparing it to them, but instead your previous works.

The Hannah character seems quite familiar. I hope you don’t mind me saying, but I get a sort of Rocio-vibe from her. She is a naturally shy girl, but when it comes to something that she loves and has her heart set upon, she can turn fiery on a moment’s notice…. Which reminds me of you and your passion for writing. And, of course, if I get a picture of you in my mind when I think of her, I am instinctively going to love the character. <3

Overall, I enjoyed it.

(P.S. My favorite part was when she met up with Bryce the Psyduck. Very, very, sexy. xDDDD)

Introduction: You get right to the point. We get a firm ideal about Hannah and her enthusiasm for taking care of Pokemon and things like that. Her personality really shows through when she skips breakfast to get there early as well as when she clashes with Lan.

I didn’t really feel like we were left in the dark about anything, so there isn’t much to comment on in this section. It was…good.

Grammar/Spelling: I can tell that you are definitely getting better in this section. Your previous stories were plagued with errors and mistakes and such, but here they are very infrequent. It makes me happy to see that you have followed my/other graders’ advice, for that lets us know that you are actually heeding our words. Here are a few mistakes that I picked out:

Hannah wasn’t sure who she hated more at the moment.

Seeing as “who” is the subjective form of the word, and you are using it in the objective sense here, it would need to be changed to “whom”. (Haha, I am so glad that I actually got to correct someone on this usage. I am such a nerd. xD)

With a short wave, he left them and Hannah knew his smile had increased tenfold.

Since you are combing two simple sentences, you would need to place a comma between “them” & “and”.

Amber T-shirt was covered by a black leather jacket, and his combat boots that peeked from beneath his denim jeans clicked against the floor whenever he walked.

This is basically the same thing as the previous error. I just pinpointed the corrections with bold marks here.

Length: Geez, can’t you just be a normal person and just skim the minimal amount? Hahaha. Just kidding. It’s great that you make your stories so long, and yup, looks like you have quite enough here.

Detail/Description: There really isn’t much for me to suggest here. You have practically everything that can be asked for when describing the aspects of a story. Your characters are vibrant and have their own distinct personalities, the setting dances before my eyes with the colorful adjectives used to describe them. Really, you are doing a great job.

However, it seems like once you tell about what the scene looks like, you don’t really describe much about it after that. Take the part where Hannah and Lan are giving Bagon its scale check-up for example. You tell what the room looks like at first, but fail to really give follow-up portrayals of it in further chapters. This isn’t really a major issue, but hey, I have to have something to nag you about. ;D

Besides this, most of it was spot-on. Great job here.

Battle: This was, by far, the high point of the story. You really have a knack for these things, and yours are always my favorite to read.

A variety of attacks were used, and they were described perfectly, without giving off the feeling that you are dragging things out too long, as I tend to find myself doing. It was really evenly matched for the most part, for at any time I felt that the Cubone would take the victory, but at others that Jackie the Aipom would come out triumphant.

I am sort of rushing this to get it to you, so I will just leave it at that. Awesome! Purely awesome! =]

Outcome: It wasn’t one of your better stories, but it still surpassed the majority of stories you would find here. It was a pleasant little tale, and I wasn’t disappointed in the least with it. Cubone Captured! Add this little fella to your growing collection. And maybe you can get your butt on AIM long enough to evolve him. Hahaha. Just kidding. <333

Phantom Kat
04-07-2008, 12:14 PM
-ish eating cereal for I am getting ready to school- =d

Hehe, yeah, the plot wasn't the best, I know, it was something I came in the middle of the day and just decided to write. ^^; Hehe, I can see what you mean by Rocio-vibe (although I would be a lot shyer and just wouldn't say anything at all), I'll work on that.

Haha, I'm glad my grammar is getting better, I hate grammar. xP

Though I'll read this better when I get home from school, I get the gist of the grade: plot wasn't one of my best and I need to add a tinge more to the characters and description to the surroundings. Yeah, if I would have spend more time on this story, it might have turned out better. Hopefully, the Slowpoke story that I'm writing right now is better, I'll make sure on that (plus, I'm using an interesting concept I read in Bulbagarden).

But whee, Cubone, they are so cute! <3 (Not as cute as you, though) Now what should I name him...?

Thanks for grading this, sexy, now get your butt on here and finish that collab. xD j/k Nah, but seriously, thanks. ^^

-drains cereal into mouth and goes to change from pajamas-

- Kat