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Splishee
03-25-2008, 10:12 AM
'Tis a Story Deal for Fire Away

Pokemon: Swinub
Level: Medium (15 - 20 k)
Length: 20 K

Now, without furthur ado..

Frozen Smiles

Do you see the light?

The small, shivering bundle of pink, naked skin lay in the middle of the room, squinting its narrow, beady eyes as its nosed twitched nervously in an unidentifiable rhythm. Each shockingly freezing outburst of wind from the slight creaks in the harshly-carved stone door sent shivers through its body as the darkness embraced its helplessness and fear.

The Swinub sighed, closing her bruised eyelids tightly as she attempted to block the painstaking and hurtful world around her. The stoned enclosure of the cave moved in a mourning fashion, as though anticipating the final breaths of the troubled Pokemon. She heard the faint dripping of the chilling water contained in the rugged stone, releasing itself with a silent sigh of relief, only to be faced with the even darker looming presence of the darkness of the stone cave.

Not yet. When will it end?
Ah, be patient, child. Wait for the seemingly final moments and welcome the shimmering glitter of a single light bulb in the corner of your vision.
Will it all end?
All in good time.

Her thoughts taunted the inside of her skull, killing her deeper by the second as she begged the cave to set her free, let her die in her wallowing sorrow. Freedom was bliss; yet, strangely, the Swinub who had given up on the world sat, waiting for the light which she had firmly implanted in the mysterious voice of her innermost thoughts to set her free. Away from the bliss. Away from the pain. Away from the - the cold.

Of course, most Swinubs were equipped with the loving embrace of sleek, shiny fur on their bodies. The fur would be shaggy and dangle below their rat-like legs, covering up their nervous skittering with seemingly careless and easy movements. Not this Swinub, though.

The shivering Swinub’s naked face glanced up, her helpless and pleading crystalline eyes piercing the rugged stone wall with a glare of a thousand feelings of hatred. The dust on the inky blackness of the cave floor swirled around her naked, pink legs like dancing autumn leaves, flowing with the freezing Winter wind from the cracks of the stone door. Her pronounced, pink bottom lip trembled like the young Swinub she was, the freezing temperature hitting her a thousand times harder than any other Swinub could ever imagine.

All Swinubs were born with hair. All Swinubs were meant to travel with their pack, sticking together no matter what the consequences were, no matter how different one seemed to be. All Pokemon of the world were meant to accept people with differences.

The Swinub’s small, glittering black beetles of eyes shone with emotion as they burned, allowing one small tear to fall onto her naked face. It froze immediately on her pained face, which glittered with a thousand heartfelt tears of abandonment. She had been left in this godforsaken cave by her so-called ‘pack’ … jeering, whooping and smirking, the tough Piloswines had thrust the skinny, hairless ball of pink shudders into the tiny room. It was placed up the top of a mountain covered in crystalline snow, freezing yet beautiful in the horrible month of winter near Snowpoint City.

She gulped in the cold, night air as she remembered the laughing faces of the Piloswines, each comfortably fur-ridden Swinub’s eyes in the background shining with excitement. Catcalls of ‘freak!’ and ‘pink loser!’ had followed her as she was aggressively pushed into the stone cave. It had taken three of the laughing Piloswines to hold her desperately squirming body back as the rest had pushed the large rock infront of the cave entrance to conceal her from the world. She had cried desperately; screamed out to the Pokemon for hours afterwards until she had been positive that they were never coming back for her.

Her body shook violently as she lay on the floor, closing her eyes desperately as she tried to find the light that the slyly hanging voice in her head had promised her. She wanted to leave it all behind; each pained look in a reflective ocean, each accusatory glare of Pokemon around her if something were to go wrong. The cave’s darkness intensified her vision as her mixture of hunger, weakness and emotional pain began to take its toll.. Slowly coaxing the Swinub into the embracing emotional darkness.. Leading her on into the next stage of life..

Am I leaving now?
Yes, dearest Swinub. Close your eyes and concentrate.. The light isn’t far away now..
Will death hurt?
Whatever state you go in could not possibly hurt more than the pain you are going through now. Let yourself go and fly with the wings of freedom..

Smiling slightly, the Swinub closed her eyes tightly as she breathed her supposedly last breath, feeling her body loosen as she anticipated the freedom which she had held a longing for as long as she could remember..

Splishee
03-25-2008, 10:12 AM
The sun was beginning to set on the eerie atmosphere of Snowpoint mountain, each gentle breeze growing colder as the sun cast its blanket of darkness on the snow-covered mountain. The darkened, dead trees sported heavy snow that clung onto each branch tightly, the occasional shimmer of white snow sprinkling off as the wind blew heavily. The sky’s clouds had darkened also; the salmon pink sky gradually fading into the darkest red with the raging emotions of the unstable sky.

The thick, white snow which adorned the otherwise rugged mountain terrain crunched unpleasantly under the woman’s mountain hiking boots. They were a fascinating pair; carefully constructed with beautiful leather, the brown boots were stained and faded hopelessly yet, strangely, still held that air of fancy, epitomic clothing.

Their overall appearance and atmosphere matched perfectly the woman which wore them. She was dirty and rugged, yet unusually smug. Her body was muscular and tough, yet moved with grace and apparent ease. Her hawk-like face, glistening with sweat despite the obvious cold, stared down the icy mountain, as though intimidating it with her intense gaze. Her facial features were sharp and dominating, each perfectly constructed part of her face standing out to some extreme, yet sliding carelessly together with each other to create a smooth, intense appearance. She laughed as she tilted her head back, her smooth, shimmering, black hair slithering down her back like liquid. Her steady gaze pondered the tip of the mountain, which was adorned with some kind of hidden cave. The thought of something hidden from society in the popular and adored mountain sent excited shivers up the woman’s spine; she couldn’t resist an adventure.

She was dressed perfectly for the mountains, implying that the athletic woman knew what she was doing up in the harsh atmosphere of Snowpoint mountain. Her clothes were free and flowing, dark jeans that offered warmth for her shivering body and a handy vest which stored various items and equipment which took the woman’s fancy. Upon her sky-blue vest, slightly ruffled from her constant, shaking movements, a thick strip of plastic was pinned securely. In important, block-like letters wrote the words: ‘Allison Peek - Mountain Ranger’.

The woman, named Allison, grinned as she continued to trudge up the mountain, her eyes set upon the glorious, shimmering cave which was in the process of being covered by the overwhelming darkness the sun had left the world with. Her sharp, bronze coloured eyes scanned the area as she sub-consciously brushed her back pocket, which held her communication radio with her fellow rangers. Just the feeling of it against her sweaty palm was reassuring, as no one in the Ranger team had climbed this far up the mountain before. That was the reason she was there; the Rangers had grown increasingly weary of the tip of the mountain, the unknown area which had been intriguingly quiet throughout the Ranger’s peaceful conquer of the safety of the mountain.

Of course, it had to be me that volunteered, Allison thought bitterly as she fought her way up the seemingly endless mountain slide. Always Allison, Allison the Attention seeker, Allison the Angel..

What annoyed her most was the fact that all of that was true. She was naturally adventurous, as well as a natural ’suck-up’, knowing where her place was in the world and understanding the full powers that authority had. She had always been the one to volunteer for the most gruelling of jobs just to please the Head Ranger, or simply attempting to improve her status in the group.

Allison’s voyage up the mountain grew increasingly difficult, with the blistering blizzard around her and her new-found anxious and angered feelings. Her incredibly long, raven-black hair went from fluttering aimlessly to whipping around her face wildly; as though the many strands of hair were attempting to slap and prod Allison, angering the tense girl even further.

It was when she heard the frightened, strangled cry coming from inside the rugged stone cave, which lay at the top of Snowpoint Mountain, that Allison began to grow more weary. Her troubled brain instinctively told her to rush up and free the contained creature, but her more rational and thoughtful Ranger side set off her alarm system around her body. Chills adorned her entire body as she heard the muffled, pained cries from the cave; yet the chills were not from the raging blizzard around her. It sounded like a vicious Pokemon which had been trapped, and Pokemon that had been psychologically drained had a great possibility to be vicious to humans. Her Ranger meetings had taught her that much.

Sighing in defeat, Allison brushed her upper pocket in her sky-blue vest to swiftly conjure up a small, icy-blue Pokeball that gleamed and shined even through the blinding, frosty blizzard. Hardly able to hold back a smile, Allison threw the Pokeball into the air happily as a dazzling white light emitted from it. Through the streak of blinding energy, a small figure of a darkened, limber Pokemon appeared in front of her. He held a glint in his eye as he ruffled his blood-red, natural collar around his limber neck. He flexed his viciously sharp claws suggestively as they reflected his entire dark body colour, one of a small, yet deadly, Weavile.

The hip-height Pokemon, named Freeze, glanced up at Allison, who caught his mischievous, trademark eye glint even through the heavy snowfall. Shaking her head swiftly to brush off the freezing ice which had found refuge in her hair, she silently signalled for Freeze to continue up the mountain. He glanced towards the cavern which lay only a few metres above them, and Allison shuddered as she saw his lengthly, vicious claws twitch nervously as he heard the pained moan of the Pokemon in the cave.

With a confident laugh, Freeze continued to briskly jump towards the tip of the mountain, each step seemingly easy and surprisingly graceful in the heavy snowfall. He easily dodged the occasional rock in his path, his trained eyes being able to spot the slightest disturbance even in the heaviest of snow. Freeze was a trained Ranger machine; the dark Pokemon’s naturally intimidating nature, thirst for battling and expert mountain hiking skills made him one of the most flexible and able Pokemon in the Ranger team.

Allison began to climb up after him, taking a fair more amount of time as her muscles and body limitations had aged far beyond her wickedly-flexible Weavile. As she finally reached the peak of the mountain, she took one second to thoroughly enjoy the sought after scenery in this rare place. The entirety of Sinnoh was able to be seen; the beautiful views of various lakes and towns all blended together in the colour-meshing mist below, creating beautiful shades of pinks, blues and greens, as though painted straight onto a canvas. She breathed in slowly, closing her eyes as she attempted to avoid the toxic snow filling her lungs.

Her bliss was interrupted by a pained grunt behind her. Allison quickly whipped herself around, grinning as she saw Freeze using one of his more powerful moves, Strength, as he attempted to shift the boulder blocking the cave and the Pokemon’s cries. Allison took a healthy step back as her eyes slowly followed the movement of the large boulder, prepared to screech out a command to Freeze if the Pokemon was to attack her beloved Pokemon.

As the boulder reached its destination at the edge of the gaping whole, time seemed to freeze. Her Weavile had spotted something inside of the cave that Allison did not see, and as she tried desperately, as though in slow motion, to grasp the vision of the Pokemon which was contained in the cavern, Freeze was one step ahead of her. She heard a strangled moan of pain as Freeze leaped towards the Pokemon, fear and anger in his eyes, claws outstretched.

Allison quickly rushed over, only to be greeted with the site of Freeze tackling a small, pale-coloured Pokemon, quivering in coldness and fear as her Weavile continued to swipe at the Pokemon with his long, deadly claws, creating gashes in the small Pokemon’s hairless skin.

“Freeze - stop!” Allison’s panicked words seemed to echo around her as she ran towards the Pokemon, feeling nothing but sympathy for the tiny pig-like Pokemon. It was no taller than her calf bone and no larger than half her Weavile; the small Pokemon shuddered as its dark, frightened eyes bored into Allison’s, as though pleading for help through its pain and misery. This Pokemon was more than physically wounded by Freeze’s aggressive Slashes - he looked as though he was emotionally drained. What was more puzzling was that the small Swinub was hairless - was this why the Pokemon was trapped in the cave? Had its common pack abandoned it because it was different?

Allison’s questions were immediately answered by a low growl behind her; a larger Pokemon had disrupted their steady gaze. Allison whipped herself around swiftly, before being greeted with the site of what looked like a larger, more terrifying version of the Swinub. Except, the Pokemon had shaggy brown hair that swiftly brushed across the floor like a large broom, covering its eyes as the large Pokemon growled at Allison. The Piloswine, the evolution of the Pokemon species of Swinub, was intimidating. Its true emotions, although hidden by its fringe, were apparent by its body language towards the Swinub.

“Get away from it. It’s an outcast - a pathetic excuse for a Swinub. I was sent here to finish it off once and for all - it’s bad luck for the pack, see? How dare you come in here and try to set it free - I’m going to have to finish you off first,” the Piloswine growled directly to Freeze, eyeing the Weavile in an intimidating manner.

Freeze returned his steady gaze, feeling Allison’s emotions for the small, helpless Swinub and knowing that he had to protect it. Freeze certainly felt bad for attacking the tiny, outcasted Pokemon - but the Weavile had been trained to be cautious and aggressive. He decided he would make up for it by protecting the Swinub from the Pokemon that wished to ‘finish him off’.

“You’ll have to go through me first,” Freeze spat, rushing towards the Piloswine at full speed, teeth bared and claws sharpened. Freeze was a trained predator; each move was perfectly constructed, each dodge of the Piloswine’s rough and untrained bashful attacks coordinated almost artistically; Allison watched, one hand on the small Swinub’s body, the other pointing towards her Weavile to help him battle.

“Freeze! Try another Slash on the Piloswine!”

Freeze nodded, his eyes glinting as he aimed a perfectly-constructed Slash at the Piloswine, forcing the Pokemon out of the cave aggressively, both Pokemon thrust into the chilling battle arena of the blizzard outside.

The Piloswine groaned as the Slash cut him deeply, shaking his head as he limped around, pondering his next move. Freeze thought faster than the Pokemon; he aimed another Slash at it, smiling at his apparent perfect aim.

However, Freeze had another thing coming; the Piloswine had more agility than was anticipated, and quickly dodged the attack, sending Freeze crashing behind him. He fell horribly close to the edge of the mountain peak, grasping onto the snow below him to stop his panicked slide over the cliff.

“Freeze! Are you alright?” Allison screamed, scooping up the Swinub and running outside to help her Pokemon.

She flinched as she saw the Piloswine quickly twist its body around and charge towards Freeze, his eyes glinting as his aggressive thoughts overpowered him, aiming a deadly Headbutt at Freeze. It hit shockingly, his head colliding with Freeze’s upper back as Freeze gasped in pain, thankfully twisting himself away from the cliff’s edge near a dead, blackened tree.

As he hit the tree, a small avalanche of snow fell upon Freeze, covering him with freezing icicles as he fought his way out of the snow. However, the Piloswine had taken advantage of his hesitation and quickly jumped on the ground aggressively, eyeing Freeze as the shockwaves of the ground in the mountain hit Freeze as he was covered in snow. The Magnitude attack was a tough one, and Freeze flinched as he began to sit up, shaking his head as he attempted to recover from the devastating attack. He glanced over at Allison momentarily, as though pleading for help.

Allison, thinking fast, quickly exclaimed, “Freeze! Look how hard you’ve been hit! Use your pain and take advantage of the Piloswine’s dizziness to give him an Avalanche attack!”

Freeze grinned as he leaped up, raising his arms fiercely as he locked his gaze with the Piloswine, grinning as he summoned the snow from the tip of the mountain above. The Piloswine was still dizzy, stumbling around as it attempted to grasp onto what was happening to him.

It was too late; Freeze’s power over the ice above him caused the snow to fall with a shocking drop, falling like a horrible, raging waterfall onto the Piloswine above. As the Pokemon finally understood what was about to happen to him, the raging Avalanche above him had crumbled onto him, his last face oddly comical as his mouth formed an almost perfect ‘O’.

Freeze’s tense muscles began to relax, hanging lankly as he grinned evilly. He watched as the Piloswine was engulfed in the incredible about of snow, knocking him around mercilessly as he attempted to gain control of the situation. But, before each person knew it, the Piloswine was covered by the sheer ferocity of the attacking snow, the weight pushing him down as he inevitably fainted from the pain he had felt.

Allison ran over to her Pokemon, embracing him as she truly thanked him for being so brave and standing up for what’s right. As the pained Swinub and Freeze exchanged a glance, Allison knew that the Swinub had forgiven Freeze for his aggressive outburst, and was truly thankful for the Pokemon who had defended him.

Allison slowly extracted the Pokeball from her vest, eyeing the Swinub nervously.

“Now, I’m going to have to take you back to Ranger Headquarters so you can be safe. However, judging by your obvious pain and the fact that you’ll probably freeze to death.. This may be the only way..”

The Swinub’s weakened eyes lingered on the Pokeball, before her saddened body finally drooped down as tears began to fall from her eyes. She cried out to the heavens, waiting for the pain to be taken away from her; whether it be via the means of the save concealment of a Pokeball, or the death that surely awaited her, she just wanted to be free from her terrible pain.. Her aching heart.

Allison’s eyes watered as she silently held out the Pokeball, the flashing beam of red light engulfing the crying Pokemon all-too-slowly. As the lonely Pokemon disappeared from sight, it was given the ultimate choice of healing - whether to die lonely, or to be given another chance to live her life as a normal Pokemon. Allison dropped her head as the Pokeball shifted slightly, the ponderings and judgements of the Swinub taking its toll on the capsule.

Allison felt a cool hand on her own, and looked up to see Freeze staring at her indignantly, brushing his head to the side to signal the tree which he had been thrown into. Already, the dying tree, which had been previously bare, was collecting the beautiful flakes of snow, each snowflake adorning the branches like a tiny, shimmering miracle. Allison smiled, knowing that the tree’s momentary loss was easily healed by the overwhelming beauty; just as the lonely, saddened Swinub had been given a chance to heal.

~ The End

The Jr Trainer
04-30-2008, 12:21 AM
Story/Plot:
Nice, sweet story to me. ;o It had a good feel to it, and I liked it from the beginning. Never was it dry or dull or boring. Always kept me on my feet and alert to what was going on. Though at some points I lost track of what you were talking about through paragraphs. That is really my only complaint, make sure the paragraphs aren’t too clumped together, and are spread apart so that it’s a lot easier to read and make sense from. Not all of your paragraphs are too big, but some of them made it hard to understand. The paragraphing made me lose sight of where I was, which made me have to go back and re-read what I’d just read so I did know what was going on in the story. Or it might’ve just been the way you indented it, who knows, but I did lose place every-so-often.

Besides that little glitch there, I saw this story as a really good read and it was enjoyed with my cup of tea (Yea right… tea), but it was a good story, really. And I can see you have a talent with writing, and this story was no exception with that talent.

To sum it all up, good plot, not much flaw, nothing really major-ly “OMG FAIL” kind of thing in there at all. Good job! :D

Introduction:
Yay for a hook. Yes, a hook. The beginning was very eye latching, took my into the story and made me want to read it and enjoy it. Also made me want to know what was going on, what was going to happen, etc. Nothing else I can really say, the hook was the only thing that was there that I wanted to say anything about. Since the hook, for this story, really got it going with all the sad-e-ness that was involved and whatnot.

Continuing on…

Grammar/Spelling:
God. Nothing I could really point out here, maybe a typo or two that I saw, but those aren’t worth completely pointing out and wasting your time since you obviously know what you are doing when you write. :\

Length:
Good for me. Good for you?

Detail:
Vivid, great. Nothing wrong here. You included personalities which most people miss out upon. Creating personalities for characters makes them almost seem real, then including their looks… that makes them even more real, almost to the point as if they could come up to my door stoop and have an easy, casual conversation with them. This was just perfect for me, maybe a little too much at times, since detail can rip you off from the main storyline if there is such an immense amount of it. But for the most part you did just perfect for this little bugger of a story.

Like I said, personalities are great --- but looks are a little more so sometimes. Just make sure you have a somewhat nice good description of all the characters, or even just the main character, since they’re good nonetheless, with a lot or little description. And like I said, too much is sometimes dragging overboard and make the reader confused on what is going on. Quality > quantity; yes even with detail. Make it good detail and you’ll have no problem. Too much detail and you will have a problem… sometimes.

Battle:
This was quite the battle. Quite long, from start to finish. I have, again, nothing to complain about here. D:< You made my job hard, I don’t appreciate it. Haha, I kid. But seriously, this was above par. Maybe even an Eagle! Okay, this time for real. It was good, detail was great, length was definitely long enough. Hehe, good job here.

Final Outcome:
The shortness of my grade was an exception to the greatness of this story. I cannot see you not getting the little pig. Maybe at times the story was boring, or not what I wanted to read. But that’s not keeping the pig thing from you… or I should say, FA. :P

Swinub…

… captured!