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View Full Version : Once was lost, but now are found


Lati-Chan
03-27-2008, 11:26 AM
Pokemon aiming for: Weedle
Characters needed: 3k minimum.
Characters have: with spaces: 8k without spaces: 6k-ish.

Lati-Chan
03-27-2008, 12:09 PM
It was a cold day, even for the lonesome, baby Weedle, Weedle was a very peppy, yet lonely little lad, he had a body that looked like it made out of large, sandy brown beads, and a sharp, spiral like horn on the top of his spherical, small head. He had small little, strong pink, shiny little sucker-like feet that helped him move along. He once had a trainer, but that trainer abandoned him long ago, but the poor little Weedle still waited every single day for his trainer’s return, but he never came. On that cold day, where Weedle was sitting, on the firm, rough, dark brown coloured tree trunk was in the middle of a forest. The sea green coloured grass was like a rainbow throughout the forest, the rich green tree's made the forest look alive, the beautiful, sepia-like coloured sunset filled the evening with happiness, even though it was cold.

As Weedle sat and looked out to the horizon, he heard a voice calling. "I'm here!" It shouted loudly from the distance, with the shrill voice echoing all around, "I'm here!" the voice added, with a gentle shout. Over the horizon, he seen light pink pony-tails bobbing up and down continuously, as the girl in the white and blue, wrinkled dress ran, it had a red and white, 2-D orb on it, which was a Pokéball. The girl's hair ruffled with the gentle breeze moving through the air, Weedle wasn't sure who she was, or why she was here, but he knew she was going to be trouble. The girl then made it up the forest, her big, deep pools of blue like eyes peered down at the small bug-like Pokémon.

"Awww.... You're cute..." She said, squinting sharply trying to look happy.

<What is this... This... Thing?! Well, she looks happy, but scary...> The small Weedle said quietly, it was like a small squeak to the girl.

"Well squeak squeak squeak to you to!" She said with joy.

<She's way too easily satisfied, if she tries to pick me up, I'mma poke her.> The small, cute caterpillar said.

The girl brought her brightly coloured hands towards Weedle's bead like body parts, she got a grip gently, when Weedle used his shiny white horn and poked her in the head.

"Ouch!" She screeched, "You’re mean…" She said, her shrill voice dropping gently near the end, as small bids crimson coloured blood dribbled out just a small bit around her forehead. She reached into her pocket and took out a smooth, white napkin to clean it off. She wiped the blood away quickly and carefully.

"Oh, I'm sorry," She said sadly, "I should have tried to pick you up so quickly." Her voice saddened and her smile dropped. She turned around and walked slowly over to the woods.

<That's right, never touch the merchandise!> Weedle said heartlessly, not feeling at all for the little girl.

The girl kept on walking, then she seen a figure beside a bunch of messy, lush green bushes. The lady looked elderly, she had remnants of wrinkles around her face and some around her lightly tanned arms. The lady had a dark brown, and sienna mix coloured robe on, that had light sandy brown coloured ropes on it. The girl walked over to the lady.

"Um, Hi, I'm Amy." The girl said confusedly, "Could you point me to the direction of Pewter City? I'm in this forest and I'm lost..." She said sadly.

"Ah, young girl," The lady said deeply, she had clear white and silver locks that lay down her back to her hips, "I shall help you..." She said helpfully.

"Thank you, but I have a question, what's with that Weedle over there? Pokémon loved to be rubbed, touched and played with, I couldn't even pet him." Amy said, her face opening to the old woman’s answer.

"Ah, sit down, and I shall tell you." The lady said loudly, Amy sat down on the ground, and crossed her skinny, bony legs.

"Alright, I'm ready now." Amy said happily.

"It was a few months ago, Darryl Angus was a top trainer, he had silky blonde locks of hair stopped around his white neck, he had dark brown, glistening eyes, he wore a black coat and jeans to match. He had already beaten Pewter Gym with a Weedle, they were the best of friends, then Darryl left him on that tree trunk because he was getting teased over having such a week Pokémon, and Weedle has been there ever since." The lady said, clearing her throat.

"Whoa, that's awfully sad." Amy said, with a slight change to her facial expression. "Can't someone help him?"

"Sorry, but we have tried, he is determined to see Darryl again."

Amy stood up, about ready to help him, when she noticed the sky had darkened and some of the tiny bright stars were already beginning to shine.

"Um, can I stay here with you tonight, just till morning?" Amy said with a sudden smile.

"Yes, you may." The lady said wisely. "But be careful."

The lady had two small pink, slick tents. She kindly let Amy use a separate one. Amy hopped inside the bright pink tent, and inside the walls were a slightly darker shade of pink. Amy lay down, and her small, clueless eyes shut slowly. She was sleeping, the night was passing, but Amy heard a thump. She hopped up straight away, glad that she slept in her clothes, she ran outside of her tent.

"What's happening?" She shouted, with a distant echo.

Everything was silenced, then there was another thump. It coming from over where the small Weedle was earlier. Amy ran towards it when she seen a slightly bigger Weedle hurting the one she seen earlier. The larger Weedle was using his needle-like horn to push the small Weedle around, and was tail whipping him, which was what probably made all the noise. The big Weedle had a cold heart and a big head, the small Weedle was trembling and shivering in fear, when Amy took out a green and white decorated orb, it was a Forest Ball. She took it out and threw it in the air. It spiralled quickly and accurately on the ground.

<Help!> Screeched the small Weedle, it was a desperate cry for help.

Amy's small, fluffy yellow rodent ran over like a flash of lighting, it's silky coat ruffled in the breeze, and its big flexibly yellow ears were back all the way. Pikachu ran like a dart.

"Pikachu, tackle attack!" Amy shouted, making cup shape around her mouth so Pikachu could hear.

Pikachu ran towards the big Weedle and slammed him off the tree-trunk, the Weedle was hurt, he couldn't move for a second. Pikachu ran over to check, when the big Weedle pulled its head up sharply and quickly darted Pikachu with a Poison Needle, Weedle's sharp horns sinking into Pikachu. Pikachu pulled but was caught, Pikachu tugged harder, when it thought it was stuck, and Amy got an idea.

"Pikachu, Thundershock!" Amy shouted smartly.

Amy knew that since the Poison Needle was still stuck in Pikachu, if Pikachu's electrocuted him Pikachu would do double the damage. A yellow aura surrounded Pikachu and Weedle, they both grunted loudly in pain. Their teeth grinded sharply and harshly, there eyes closed roughly. Weedle let go of Pikachu, he collapsed gently on the grass, as did Pikachu, they hadn't fainted or closed their eyes; they were just in too much agony to fight or even stand up.

Weedle's eyebrows were low in a sad fashion, as were Pikachu's eyebrows and long ears.

"Pikachu, you okay?" Amy questioned worriedly.

"Pi-.... Chu.." Pikachu groaned softly.

The small Weedle at the side felt so worthless, watching the small Pikachu fight his battle for him.

Pikachu was still down, but the big Weedle was crawling back up, and over to Pikachu to finish it off with a Pin Needle. Weedle darted over, soaring just above the ground, when the small Weedle darted off his tree-trunk of a perch, with his horn first, he was going to dart the big Weedle out of the way, then he hit the large Weedle's stomach, the large Weedle screeched in heartless agony, until it's eyes shut and it was nearly out. Amy took out another green and white decorated orb, and threw it at the big Weedle on the ground; it soared high in the deep blue sky, and came down to hit Weedle. A blood red coloured aura surrounded Weedle, and it was sucked into the Forest Ball.

1... 2... 3... Was it caught?

Bryce
03-29-2008, 11:20 PM
Story/Plot: So, a girl named Amy happens upon a small Weedle while on her way through a forest to Pewter City. She attempts to pick it up, but it pokes her in the head, so she leaves it alone and sees a random old lady. It is getting late, so the woman lets her sleep in a spare tent, and explains about the Weedle’s past trainer. During the night, Amy wakes up to find a bigger Weedle picking on the other one, so she attempts to save it and capture the mean one.

It wasn’t terribly exciting or original. It is often that we see a story where some young trainer is going through a forest, happens upon a Pokemon, and attempts to capture it. I saw that you tried to make it more unique by having the desired Pokemon be a previously tamed creature that was left in the woods.

Your characters are a bit cliché. Amy seems just like every other young trainer that I read about: Young, peppy, hopeful, etc. As is the kind old lady. You want to have original characters, for they are the basis for everything that will happen and such.

Introduction: We are told about the Weedle’s attributes, past, etc. However, it sort of felt like it was all just thrown at us. You want to blend everything into the story and not make it feel so… blunt. Also, what is up with Amy? We aren’t even told about her age, past, where she is headed, what she wants to do in Pewter City… etc. We get a brief description of her and everything, but I felt a bit left out.

Also, what time era is this? What is the name of the forest? We want to know everything about the setting as well.

Grammar/Spelling: Well, sadly this was the worst section for you. You have many run-on sentences, as well as misused commas and punctuation, and such. You did quite well with spelling, but it was mainly you trying to add so much into a single sentence. I quoted just a few of the mistakes, for there were far too many to list. =[

It was a cold day, even for the lonesome, baby Weedle. Weedle was a very peppy, yet lonely little lad. He had a body that looked like it made out of large, sandy brown beads and a sharp, spiral-like horn on the top of his spherical, small head.

Well, you never want your story to start off with a bad sentence. You tried to squeeze three sentences into one and had a few commas where they weren’t needed. I bolded the corrections for you.

He had small little, strong pink, shiny little sucker-like feet that helped him move along.

You put two words next to each other that have the same meaning: small & little. That is unneeded. Perhaps you could have stated the sentence like this:

He had little, yet incredibly strong suckers that adhered to his feet, shining a bright pink hue. They came in use when he would move along.

See? That way it just sounds a lot more smooth and not so many insignificant adjectives are scrunched together.

Over the horizon, he saw light pink ponytails bobbing up and down continuously as the girl in the white and blue wrinkled dress ran. It had a red and white, 2-D orb on it, which was a Pokéball.

Well, we have quite a few errors here. I bolded the corrections once more. I removed the comma after blue, for if you are stating color before another adjective, you don’t need one. This also goes for the dash between pony and tails. I removed that as well.

Length: You have almost thrice as many characters as needed. This was great. I know that it isn’t hard to type out 8,000 characters for a story, but still, I am glad that you didn’t go skimpy with this.

Detail/Description: You actually did quite nice here. I saw many descriptive adjectives and you took care to describe the setting and sunsets and characters and such. Good job.

However, when you were telling about the people, I kind of felt like you were just throwing it out there to get it over with. You never want to just list their attributes like it is an RP sign-up… You want it to flow smoothly and mix it in with the storyline so that it isn’t too abrupt.

Other than that, everything seemed okay.

Battle: Well, it was just okay. The whole scenario came about a little too randomly for my taste. I mean, who was this big Weedle? Why was he attacking the other Weedle? Why did Amy feel it was necessary to save a mean Weedle that poked her in the head? We readers need to know these kinds of things.

The attacks themselves were nicely described; you didn’t just state that they happened and then move on… You took the time to tell what it looked like and such.

There wasn’t a big variety of moves, but then again, Weedle only knows two attacks. This goes the same for Pikachu, but I felt like you could have avoided the traditional Tackle, then follow up with a Thunder-based attack sequence.

But overall, I thought it was nice for a Weedle and I didn’t have many complaints about it, because it wasn’t one-sided either.


Outcome: I didn’t love it. However, it was done well enough for an Easy Pokemon. Actually, it was much better than the majority of stories for a Weedle, so good job. Your grammar was, well….terrible, yet your description seemed to make up for that enough. The plot wasn’t that great, but hey, it is your first story, and once again, you surpassed many others. Weedle Captured. Take into consideration everything that I have said, because without it, you will have a hard time in the future. Nice job and have fun with your little bug. <3

Lati-Chan
03-29-2008, 11:26 PM
Story/Plot: So, a girl named Amy happens upon a small Weedle while on her way through a forest to Pewter City. She attempts to pick it up, but it pokes her in the head, so she leaves it alone and sees a random old lady. It is getting late, so the woman lets her sleep in a spare tent, and explains about the Weedle’s past trainer. During the night, Amy wakes up to find a bigger Weedle picking on the other one, so she attempts to save it and capture the mean one.

It wasn’t terribly exciting or original. It is often that we see a story where some young trainer is going through a forest, happens upon a Pokemon, and attempts to capture it. I saw that you tried to make it more unique by having the desired Pokemon be a previously tamed creature that was left in the woods.

Your characters are a bit cliché. Amy seems just like every other young trainer that I read about: Young, peppy, hopeful, etc. As is the kind old lady. You want to have original characters, for they are the basis for everything that will happen and such.

Introduction: We are told about the Weedle’s attributes, past, etc. However, it sort of felt like it was all just thrown at us. You want to blend everything into the story and not make it feel so… blunt. Also, what is up with Amy? We aren’t even told about her age, past, where she is headed, what she wants to do in Pewter City… etc. We get a brief description of her and everything, but I felt a bit left out.

Also, what time era is this? What is the name of the forest? We want to know everything about the setting as well.

Grammar/Spelling: Well, sadly this was the worst section for you. You have many run-on sentences, as well as misused commas and punctuation, and such. You did quite well with spelling, but it was mainly you trying to add so much into a single sentence. I quoted just a few of the mistakes, for there were far too many to list. =[



Well, you never want your story to start off with a bad sentence. You tried to squeeze three sentences into one and had a few commas where they weren’t needed. I bolded the corrections for you.



You put two words next to each other that have the same meaning: small & little. That is unneeded. Perhaps you could have stated the sentence like this:

He had little, yet incredibly strong suckers that adhered to his feet, shining a bright pink hue. They came in use when he would move along.

See? That way it just sounds a lot more smooth and not so many insignificant adjectives are scrunched together.



Well, we have quite a few errors here. I bolded the corrections once more. I removed the comma after blue, for if you are stating color before another adjective, you don’t need one. This also goes for the dash between pony and tails. I removed that as well.

Length: You have almost thrice as many characters as needed. This was great. I know that it isn’t hard to type out 8,000 characters for a story, but still, I am glad that you didn’t go skimpy with this.

Detail/Description: You actually did quite nice here. I saw many descriptive adjectives and you took care to describe the setting and sunsets and characters and such. Good job.

However, when you were telling about the people, I kind of felt like you were just throwing it out there to get it over with. You never want to just list their attributes like it is an RP sign-up… You want it to flow smoothly and mix it in with the storyline so that it isn’t too abrupt.

Other than that, everything seemed okay.

Battle: Well, it was just okay. The whole scenario came about a little too randomly for my taste. I mean, who was this big Weedle? Why was he attacking the other Weedle? Why did Amy feel it was necessary to save a mean Weedle that poked her in the head? We readers need to know these kinds of things.

The attacks themselves were nicely described; you didn’t just state that they happened and then move on… You took the time to tell what it looked like and such.

There wasn’t a big variety of moves, but then again, Weedle only knows two attacks. This goes the same for Pikachu, but I felt like you could have avoided the traditional Tackle, then follow up with a Thunder-based attack sequence.

But overall, I thought it was nice for a Weedle and I didn’t have many complaints about it, because it wasn’t one-sided either.


Outcome: I didn’t love it. However, it was done well enough for an Easy Pokemon. Actually, it was much better than the majority of stories for a Weedle, so good job. Your grammar was, well….terrible, yet your description seemed to make up for that enough. The plot wasn’t that great, but hey, it is your first story, and once again, you surpassed many others. Weedle Captured. Take into consideration everything that I have said, because without it, you will have a hard time in the future. Nice job and have fun with your little bug. <3


Thanks, Bryce. I knew I hadn't of done a good job though. =/ But with it being posted late too, I wasn't able to edit. D: Thanks though. <33