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bobtail
03-28-2008, 06:11 PM
pokemon i'm going for: Spheal
number of characters: 15,316
characters needed: 13-15K


The Legend Of The Sea



May turned ten today! She was a young slim girl, with light brown shoulder length hair, and green eyes. She was excited that She could now start Her Pokemon journey. She didn't
want to leave her mum, but She promised that She would visit often. She lived in Littleroot Town, in the Hoenn Region with Her mum. The Hoenn Region had lots of land and water
it was a very large Region. That morning She was awakened by Her alarm. She looked at Her alarm clock to see what time it was She couldn't make out the time because Her eyes
were only half open She reached out and turned off the alarm, and quickly pulled Her arm in again. Suddenly She remembered it was going to be the day She got Her first Pokemon.
She threw back the covers and got out of bed.

She went to Her wardrobe, and chose the clothes She was going to wear on Her journey, She picked a black t-shirt and blue trousers. She then went over to a table
and picked up Her hairbrush, then She walked over to Her mirror and looked into it. She saw Her shoulder length hair all over the place, Her eyes opened widely and
She sighed, She started brushing Her hair, it took about twenty minutes to get it straight. She walked over to Her bedroom door and opened it and She made Her way
downstairs. She saw Her mum, sitting at the table in the middle of the room. Her mum had short dark brown hair, and She has green eyes that look like emeralds,
and She had white pale skin. May then sat down at the table, and started eating her breakfast.

''So what Pokemon are you going to pick as your starter'' said Her mum.

Between mouthfulls, She said.

''It's so hard to choose; there's Treecko, the grass starter. It can use one of it's grass type moves to take out a rock type easily. Or, theres Mudkip, the water
starter. It can use one of it's powerful water attacks to knock out a fire type. Or there's Torchic, the fire starter. It can use one of it's red hot fire moves
to take out a grass type'' replied May.

''If you keep on like this you'll never get a Pokemon,'' said Her mum.

''You're right Mum, I'd better get on my way,'' May replied.

''Okay dear, be careful on your journey,'' said Her Mum.

''Bye Mum, see you soon'' May replied.

''Bye'' said Her Mum.

May rushed over and got her bag and ran out of the door. She started traveling to Oldale Town. On the way She looked up and saw a flock of, Pidgey,
Pidgeotto and, Pidgeot. She walked on and saw some Rattata and Raticate scampering around in the grass. She finally arrived in Odale Town. She went
straight to Professor Birch's lab.


She went through the doors. Inside there were machines and bookshelves crammed with Pokemon books and people with white coats were walking
around with their hands full. May walked forward and saw a man with glasses checking out a machine. She went torwards the man and tapped him
on the shoulder. He quickly turned around.

''Oh you must be the new Pokemon Trainer,'' said the Assistant.

''Yes, I am. My name is May,'' She said.

''Okay May. The Professor isn't here at the moment, he went to do some fieldwork,'' said the Assistant.

''I'll go look for him then,'' said May.

''Okay, but be careful,'' said the Assistant.

May ran past the people in the lab and went toward's the doors, She opened them. She went straight to some grassy areas. She saw a Wurmple and a
Poochyena on the way. She checked every grassy area. She went to the very last area, and She saw Professor Birch he had black spiky hair, and blue
eyes that looked like sapphire's, he was a bit on the plump side. He was being cornered by a Zigzagoon.

''Could you help me, and get a PokeBall from my bag.'' said the Professor.

May went over to the Professor's bag, and opened it. She saw three shiny new Poke Ball's, She picked one randomly, and threw the Poke Ball into the air.
Out came a Torchic, it had little black eyes, it's beak was tiny and brown, it was a triangular shape. It also had three feathers on it's head, they were
light orange, the rest of it's body was a darker orange.

''What moves doe's it know?.'' said May.

''Try an Ember.'' said the Professor.

''Go Torchic, use Ember.'' said May.

Round fiery red balls flew out of Torchics mouth. They slammed into Zigzagoon and it fell to the floor. Zigzagoon got up and came charging at Torchic. It used a
Tackle attack just as zigzagoon was going to hit. Torchic jumped above it, and built power in it's beak. When it was fully charged Torchic flew towards
Zigzagon. Hitting it with all it's power. Zigzagoon was badly damaged and it ran away.

''Thank you for helping me out back there, you must be May.'' said the Professor.

''Yes, I am.'' She replied.

''Okay, let's go back to my lab.'' said the Professor.

But before they could start heading back, the Zigzagoon from earlier, blocked their way with two others.

''May use your Torchic to battle them. I'll pick a Poke Ball from my bag to help,'' said the Professor.

The Professor opened his bag, he picked one of the two Poke Ball's and threw the Poke Ball into the air. Out came a Mudkip. May threw Her Poke Ball into
the air too, and out came Her Torchic.

''Mudkip, use your Water Gun.'' said the Professor.

''Torchic, use your Ember.'' said May.

Mudkip opened it's mouth, and a gush of sparkling light blue water came out. The force of the water knocked one of the Zigzagoon. Flying backwards, it hit the floor with
great force, and skidded to a halt. After Mudkip attacked, Torchic opened it's brown tiny beak, bright red fire balls came out, and hit one of the other Zigzagoon knocking
it to the floor.

''Okay Torchic, use Fire Spin.'' said May.

''Mudkip, use Bubble.'' said the Professor.

The two pokemon aimed their attacks at the last zigzagoon. Out of Torchic's tiny beak, came a powerful redhot fire it formed a circle. Out of Mudkip's mouth came
little see through blue bubbles. They caught the light of the sun. The two attacks were going towards the last Zigzagoon. The foolish Pokemon thought it could
stand the attacks. Eventually the attacks made the Zigzagoon collapse. All three Zigzagoon's were lying on the floor. They gingerly got up and ran away.

''May, you battled very well''.''I wouldn't have thought it was your first battle.'' said the Professor.

''Thank you very much.'' replied May.

''Your welcome''.''Before, we were rudly interupted. Let's go back to my lab,'' said the Professor.

May and the Professor travelled back to his lab. They went through some grassy areas and then they were back in Oldale Town. They went up to the lab
and entered through the doors, there they joined the Assistant.

''Welcome back Professor.'' said the Assistant.

''It's good to be back''.''Now May, I would like to give you that Torchic as your starter pokemon,'' said the Professor.

''Thank you very much Professor.'' said May.

''You better get started on your journey,'' said the Professor.

''You're right''.''I'll better be on my way''.''Bye,'' said May.

''Bye'' shouted the Professor and the Assistant at the same time.

May walked out of the doors and travelled west to Petalburg City. On the way, She saw two trainers battling. One used a Zigzagoon, and the other used a
Poocheyena. She walked passed them and saw a big tree. Seedot were hanging on a couple of the tree's branches. She carried on and she saw an opening.
She ran to the entrance and found herself in Petalburg City. The town was scattered with pink and yellow flowers, May breathed in and the smell of the flowers
made her smile. There was a lake of clear blue water in the town, with a little fountain in the middle of it squirting water out of the top. There also was a gym in
the town, there was a sign infront of the building.

May read it, apparently it was a mormal type gym, and the leader was a man called Norman. A boy then passed her, and went inside the gym. May thought he
must of went inside to challenge the gym leader, She then travelled west. It came out on a route She looked at her map and saw it was route 104. It had quite
a few trainers. She then saw some people with blue and white stripey shirts, and black trouser's going in and out of a big cave. When the coast was clear she
ventured inside. Once inside She saw more people with the strange outfit's on. She hid behind a boulder and listened to their conversation.

''If you don't fight for us then we'll keep on attacking you,'' said the man.

May saw that his Mighteyena was about to attack the Spheal again, She felt herself tremble a bit with anger, She calmed herself down She then, came out
from behind the boulder.

''Hey what are you doing in here?'' asked the man.

''Who are you, and why are you attacking that Spheal?'' asked May.

''We're Team Aqua. We are attacking that Spheal because it won't battle against our enemies Team Magma,'' said the Team Aqua member.

''That's no excuse to hurt it,'' said May.

''Fine I'll teach you a lesson with a battle,'' said the Team Aqua member.

The Team Aqua member got a Poke Ball from his belt, and pressed the button in the middle. He then threw it into the air. And out came a Carvanha.
May then pressed the button on Her Poke Ball to enlarge it. She threw it into the air, and out came Her Torchic.

''Carvanha, use your Water gun with all your power,'' said the Team Aqua member.

''Okay Torchic, use Quick Attack,'' said May.

Torchic ran towards Carvanha. When it got near, it dodged, and Torchic crashed into the wall. Carvanha opened it's mouth and a gush of bright blue water came out.
It hit Torchic in the back. It was super effective against Torchic, because it's a fire type. His body started to tremble, he was building up the power to push the water
back, he built enough power and pushed the Water Gun backwards, the water headed toward's Spheal, it was shocked that Torchic pushed the water back and froze
in shock. It knocked the Spheal off his feet. This gave Torchic plenty of time to attack.

''Get up Carvanha, and use Crunch,'' ordered the Team Aqua member.

''Torchic, use Peck before Spheal can get up,'' said May.

Torchic went flying towards Carvanha head first. Carvanha summoned strength, to get up. He opened his mouth, and went towards Torchic. He grabbed Torchic by the head,
shook it vigorously, and flung it through the air. It hit the floor with a thump. Summoning all of it's strength it got up. Before May could advise of it's next attack, the Carvanha
came flying at Torchic. It used a Tackle attack. Before Torchic could do anything, Carvanha hit with great power. Torchic fell to the floor with a bang.

''Get up Torchic, I know you can do it,'' said May.

Torchic gathered all of it's strength and stood up. It began to glow white. A couple of seconds later Torchic evolved into a Combusken.

''Torchic, evolved into a Combusken,'' said May excitedly.

''You don't scare us''.''Go Carvanha''.''Use Surf,'' said the Team Aqua member.

''Okay Combusken, use Double Kick.'' said May.

Combusken flew towards Carvanha. With it's leg glowing white, it hit Carvanha with great power and he fainted.

''Return,'' said the Team Aqua member.

''Good work Combusken, return'' said May.

A red light engulfed the two pokemon, and they were both sucked into their Poke Balls. The Team Aqua member ran away with the other members. Spheal then approached May.

''Sphea, Sphea.'' said the Pokemon.

''Do you want a battle?'' said May.

Spheal nodded.

''Okay then.'' said May.

She threw Her Poke Ball into the air and out came Her Combusken.

''Go Combusken, use Fire Spin.'' said May.

Combusken opened it's small beak, and out shot red hot flames. They formed a circle, and headed towards Spheal. It quickly rolled itself into a ball to dodge the attack.
It unrolled itself, then opened it's mouth. A icy blue light came shooting from it. This hit Combusken and it froze him.

''Use Flame Thrower, to melt the ice'' said May.

Out of Combusken's mouth, came a large stream of bright red fire. It melted the ice around him. Spheal came charging at Combusken but, before it could hit,
the cave shook vigorously. This stopped the two pokemon in their tracks. A couple of seconds later, some rocks fell very close to where May and the pokemon
where standing, they were left in a daze. The Spheal ran to the back entrance.

May was going to follow it, but some big boulders blocked her way. Before any more rocks fell, She ran out of the front entrance. She ran as far away as She could,
then She turned around and saw the cave crumble to the ground. People were looking over to see what had happened.

''I'd better go to the Pokemon Center, and heal Combusken,'' said May to herself.

She travelled back to Petalburg City, so She could heal Combusken. When She arrived, She went through the doors She saw Nurse Joy. She walked towards her.

''Could you heal, my Combusken please?'' asked May.

May gave Her Poke Ball to Nurse Joy. She took it out of her hand and put it on a machine. The Poke Ball started to flash. Nurse Joy took it from the machine, and
handed it to May.

''Your Pokemon is fully healed,'' said Nurse Joy.

''Thankyou,'' replied May.

She left the Pokemon Center, and went back to Route 104. When She got there, She saw Team Aqua's submarine. They were trying to catch Kyogre. May was shocked,
to see they were trying to catch a legendary Pokemon. The submarine threw a net at kyogre, he got tangeled up in the net but before they could pull it into the submarine.
Kyogre ripped the net apart with it's jaws. Team Aqua wanted revenge because they didn't capture Kyogre there submarine shot a beam into the sky, and it turned black as
the wind got up and caused a tornado.

All the Pokemon in the sea were sucked into the vortex. Team Aqua's submarine was far enough away to avoid the vortex. Kyogre was in daze but, the power
of the wind and the churning sea released him from his daze, and out of it's mouth shot a powerful Hyperbeam. It destroyed the tornado and it then disappeared
into the depths of the sea. May saw the Spheal swimming towards the shoreline. As it got there it caught it's breath, and then lunged at May.


''Do you want another battle?'' asked May.

''Sphea, Sphea'' said Spheal.

May took that as a yes, and threw Her Poke Ball into the air. Out came Her Combusken.

''Use Flame Thrower,'' shouted May.

Red hot fire came out of it's mouth. It hit Spheal. He tried to hold his ground but the attack was too powerful for him. He fell backwards. With all it's strength,
it got up, and opened it's mouth a cold shiney blue light came out of his mouth.

''Combusken, use quick attack to dodge it,'' said May.

it was so fast, it dodge the chilling attack with ease.

''Now use Fire Kick'' said May.

Combusken lifted it's leg off the ground, to build up some power. It flew towards Spheal. Just before he hit, Spheal tried to dodge but miss judged the attack.
And it hit him with amazing force.

''Go, Pokeball'' said May.

May threw Her Poke Ball at Spheal. The red light engulfed it and sucked it into the Poke Ball. It all went quiet. As the Poke Ball rolled once it rolled a second time.

raintop
04-02-2008, 08:49 PM
Plot: Mary, a new trainer, goes to get her first Pokémon, a Torchic. As soon as she does, she continues along her way, and comes to a cave. Here, she meets a Team Aqua member, who is hurting a Spheal to get it to fight against Team Magma. Mary stops to help it, and her Torchic evolves as it is fighting the Team member's Carvhana. After she beats him, the Spheal wants a battle, and so she send out her already wounded Combusken. However, the battle is cut short, so she goes to heal. When she returns, Team Aqua has created a giant tornado and sucked all the Pokémon out of the sea. Kyogre destroys this, and soon Mary has another battle with the Spheal and tries to catch it.

The plot is pretty much exactly like the game, except with a few other details included. It really, really bothered me that the part with Kyogre had pretty much nothing to do with the rest of the story, and I wish you had tied in the legendary somewhere, which would have made the plot much more interesting.

Introduction: The first paragraph was very helter-skelter. More organization would be much appreciated, and the order of events sentences could have been slightly different. As it is, it jumped around quite a bit. Not to say that it was horrid, it just needed a bit of work before it could be considered a real introduction. You need to add a lot more description here, of Mary, of her surrounding, of anything. Furthermore, how did she feel about it being her birthday> Was she excited, or daunted by the prospect of setting out alone?

Grammar: You have a LOT of issues here o-o;. I'm only going to give one-two examples of each, but they're scattered throughout the story:

<<That morning she was awakened by her alarm. she reached out and turned off the alarm,
and quickly pulled her arm in again. >>
The 'she' should be capitalized. I think this was just a typo.

<<''Good morning May''said her Mum. >>
Ugh. There should be a comma before May, because it's a name. And a space after the quotation marks. Mum should also not be capitalized because it's being used as a noun, not a name.

<<'It's so hard to choose there's Treecko the grass starter.It can use one of it's grass type moves to take out a rock type easily.Or,theres Mudkip the water
starter.It can use one of it's powerful water attacks to knock out a fire type.Or there's Torchic the fire starter.It can use one of it's red hot fire moves
to take out a grass type''replied May. >>
There should be a space between every sentence, a semicolon after 'choose', a comma before 'the gras type' (same for the other starters). And a space before' replied'.

<<On the way she looked up and saw a flock of Pidgey,
Pidgeotto and Pidgeot.She walked on and saw some ratatta and raticate scampering around in the grass. >>
Again, a space between sentences. Ratatta and Raticate are proper nouns, and should be capitalized, and there should be a comma after the 'Pidgeotto and'. There should be a comma before a conjunction always, and especially separating the items of a list.

<<''Yes i am.My name is May,''she said. >>
'I' should be capitalized, and there should be a comma after 'yes'.

And yeah, pretty much the same stuff over and over again. Don't just fix what I've told oyu about, though! You also might want to read over and check your Pokémon names, towns, and such for spelling, because Word doesn't catch these.

Description: Very little of it could I picture. You did make some effort to describe, but not quite enough. What did Mary look like, or Torchic, or Professor Birch? You need to paint a clear picture with words, let us no what sort of sounds, sights, and even smells there were. Further, emotions also have a huge part in description. How did Mary feel when the Team Aqua Member was fighting the Spheal? How about when she saw Kyogre?

Battle: Definitely the high points of the story, these were pretty interesting. You did push Combusken against lots of water Pokémon, though, and I wish the effect had been more clear. Further, you need to describe all the attacks more, in looks and such. Sometimes I was unsure as to what attack it was using, especially when it was forcing back water attacks and the like. I'm not intimately familiar with Torchic and evos, so you need to help me out a little bit here.

Despite this, you did get the right length for a Spheal, which is great. A lot of people have problems with this, so I'm glad that you don't.

Length: You aimed right in the middle, which is perfect. Great job ;D

Outcome: Honestly, it wasn't bad for your first URPG story, but, for now, I'm going to have to say Spheal not captured. Fix your mistakes, and PM me for a regrade ;D

raintop
04-03-2008, 11:17 PM
Just looking over it, and though you did add more detail, you didn't fix anything major (like your introduction), or anything that I didn't correct in the grammar section (but told oyu how to), or go over spelling. Actually, you didn't even fix everything that I told you about and corrected... so... Speal not captured.

raintop
04-20-2008, 08:49 PM
Okay, you fixed a lot of stuff... But then you messed up some more.
Pronouns like 'she' and 'her' shouldn't be capitalized... I might have confused you there, but they are never being used as a proper noun, which only nouns like 'Mom', 'Dad', 'Brother', etc. can fill. But you did fix the plot and introduction, and this is your first story... So you can go ahead and have it. Spheal captured =D