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View Full Version : The Hound Clan + A Mouse [Collab with FR] No Contest


Ninja TK
03-30-2008, 12:21 AM
Chapter 1: Mushroom Forest Showdown

It was early morning and Hound the Houndour was trotting through Mushroom forest. The sun shined off the newly found dew residing on the plants all around. The top of the trees were at least 100 feet above his head. The trees were Evergreen Trees and had newly sprouted pine needles that glistened in the sun. The dog simply had to enter and pass through the whole forest within a day to be accepted into his clan. The only problem: the forest was about ten miles across the way he was going and filled with highly protective mushroom Pokemon, Shroomish and Breloom. He had been lucky so far not to encounter any of these Mushroom Pokemon, but his luck was about to change.

Shroomish and Breloom are known to be defensive creatures, especially when it comes to their own territory. The firey creature went unnoticed for a while, sticking to the shadows and hiding behind bushes, until he had stumbled over a small Shroomish.

"Shroomish!!" The little spore cried out, letting all the others know there was an intruder amongst them.

Hound quickly ran into some bushes, hoping not to be seen. The ground started to rumble a bit, making the bright green trees shake. A horde of Breloom and Shroomish bolted past the bush Hound was staying in. Hound turned away, trying not to give any attention that way. Soon enough, while the horde was going by, a Breloom stomped on Hound's tail by accident. Hound jumped up and let out a great yelp. The whole herd of defensive grass types heard the high pitched yelp. All of them turned towards Hound, when out of nowhere an electrical wave went out and temporarily paralyzed the whole herd of territorial Pokemon. As Hound looked over at the Pokemon he felt a little thump on his back. He turned his head around only to see a small Pokemon. It's perky ears moved with the wind, as did its little brown lightening bolt shaped tail. The creature had light red cheeks that conducted the flow of electricity, and a small button-like nose. He believed it to be a Pikachu.

"Yo, my name is Trent... Giddy up little doggie!" Yelled Trent with great enthusiasm.

Trent then whipped Hound on the hindquarters with a piercing branch chopped from a nearby tree. Hound let out yet another great yelp and started running the direction opposite of the herd Mushroom Pokemom. The poor hound with a rat on his back ran like a hurricane destroying Florida. The forest creatures kept getting further and further out of sight, until they were finally ant sized, then gone. Hound ran for a long time with his surroundings a giant green blur, eventually Trent fell asleep on his back and somehow managed to stay on Hound’s back. The dog stopped at a nearby town in the forest and laid down in an alley, exhausted from all the running. The Pikachu yawned.

"So, what did I miss?"

"Did you just say, 'what did I miss' you little rat?" growled Hound.

"Yes, I did... what’s the problem?" asked Trent with a puzzled look on his face.

"You’re the problem... You just dropped out of nowhere and started whipping me with that stick. Then about half an hour after I started running, you fell asleep!"

Hound growled while giving a little sigh, falling asleep soon after from exhaustion.

"Well, I did kind of save y- HEY! DON'T FALL ASLEEP WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU!" Pikachu yelled furiously.

In the distance a dark shadowed Pokemon was watching the Pikachu's arms flail through the air. The Pokemon chuckled then moved in closer to see what the deal was. Trent kept going on in a rage about how he saved the Houndour and that he fell asleep.

"I save your life and you yell at me for it. I try to explain it and then you fall asleep and..." Trent stopped noticing a little shadow on the ground before him.

Out popped a Haunter, poking fun at the situation.

"What’s your problem, yellow fuzz ball?" Haunter laughed at the little mouse.

"Oh nothing, just this stupid Houndour falling asleep when I was trying to explain some stuff to him," said Trent in anger.

"So you wouldn’t mind if I took this mutt off of your hands, fuzz ball?" said the Haunter with an evil grin.

"Actually, I am keeping him you little flying smoke ball" said Trent with a glare.

"Oh well then." said Haunter as the smoke ball started forming a shadow ball attack in his hands.

Trent then realized that this smoke ball was going to try and take this Houndour if he let him or not.

"Um, Mr. Smoke ball, sir. You don't want to do that." Trent said to the Haunter.

"And just why not?" Haunter replied while still absorbing energy for the Shadow Ball.

"This is why!" Trent yelled, jumping on the dog's back and whipping him with a stick, "Go, puppy, go!"

The firey pup jumped up and yelped, yet again, except this time with fire in his eyes and mouth. A Flamethrower was sent soaring out of Hound's mouth, flying straight toward the smoke ball. Haunter then screeched like a girl and was sent running away.

Trent then called into the distance, "And that's Mr. Fuzz ball to you!"

"Who was that, and why was I whipped again ‘Mr. Fuzz ball’?" Hound asked, with a twitch in his eye.

"It was just a smoke ball, and if I hadn’t whipped you again that smoke ball would’ve tried abducting you... Oh, and also, my name is Trent." said Trent with a bit too much excitement.

Hound decided to stop talking then because if he didn’t now, he knew the over-talkative Pikachu wouldn’t shut up. Hound then started trotting off with Trent still on his back. Luckily for him he already knew this town. It was on the outskirts of Mushroom Forest. He only had a little way to go until he was out of the forest and into his clan! Maybe he could even get them to accept Trent into his clan.

After about an hour of finding his way through the mass of buildings, he found his way out and now was within the last 20th of a mile of the exit of the forest.

Hound trotted along happily. He would finally be accepted into his clan! He suddenly stopped. The rat that was on his back only moments ago was now off.

"Trent.." Hound called out.

After many moments of wondering about where the little mouse was, Trent unexpectedly reappeared in front of him with a bag of Cheetos in his hands.

"You rang?" Trent asked while eating his Cheetos.

"What happened? I thought you fell off or something, and where did you get those Cheetos?!" Houndour exclaimed.

"Hah. Nah, I just got hungry and left. Oh, and as for the Cheetos, there was a vending machine nearby, so I got me some." Trent said smiling, but still eating them.

"Also, where did you get the human money for those Cheetos..." Hound said while the color was draining out of his face.

Haunter was right behind Trent, with a fully charged shadow ball.

"Now for my revenge you little rat" said the Haunter in a very low tone.

Hound then jumped in front of the little ball of fur. At that exact moment, Haunter had sent the swirling purple ball flying. The sphere of darkness rammed into Hound's side, causing him to screech. The poor Houndour was then sent flying into a wall. The dark typed Pokemon hit the wall with a cough of blood and slowly fell down, immediately knocked out. Trent slowly turned around and saw the ghost giving a devilish smile his way.

"You won’t be so lucky next time rat, your little mutt friend saved you... that hit would’ve either of put you in a coma or killed you." the Haunter said menacingly while creating another swirling purple sphere.

A weakened strand of scolding hot fire left the dog's mouth while he was falling which managed to hit the evil ghost, hitting him square in the face.

"Who said I was lucky last time? I had it all planned out from the very beginning. You coming over here, charging up, everything. I'm a lot more tactical than you would think." Trent said, with a grin on his face.

"Well, you're just a little, stupid, weak rat! You couldn't harm me." Haunter laughed before sending out the attack.

The Shadow ball zoomed toward Trent, who had his eyes closed. At the last moment, Trent used Agility to dodge the attack. The evil Haunter was amazed at his speed with a blank stare on his face. He growled then kept using Shadow Ball, sending out balls of purple matter, trying to hit the speedy mouse. The fuzz ball continued to dodge with his quickness. The shadowy attack also started to knock over the trees, causing angry Pokemon to fall out too. Out of anger, one of the fallen Pokemon knocked over a tree onto Haunter, unknowing that it was no use.

"NOOO!" Haunter screamed, closing his eyes so he couldn't see what was about to happen.

Trent quickly grabbed Hound by the little stub of a tail he had, and dragged him away as fast as he could before Haunter could realize that the tree couldn't hurt him.

"Nice one, Trent." said Hound with a cough of blood and while still being dragged.

"That’s three times now you stupid mutt... You're going to have to find a way out of this dreadful forest and somehow repay me." said Trent through some grunts. "You should also lose some weight you fatty."

Hound just ignored that and got on his feet. He then flipped his tail up so that Trent was on his back. The Houndour's figure with Trent on his back then shivered into a Faint Attack. The mutt then kept using the dark typed move until they exited the forsaken forest. There was a giant grassy plain in front of him with Pokemon running by every now and then... but something was missing...there were no other Houndours. By now they should’ve arrived, seeing as it was already evening time and the sun was about to set. It had been about twelve hours since the test had started and, usually, by this time the sprinters of the tribe were here by now.

"What’s wrong Hound...?" Trent said. Trent had felt a chill in his spine for the last ten minutes or so.

"None of the other Houndours are out of the woods by now. They usually start arriving after about ten hours... its been around twelve hours." said Hound with the same chill in his spine as Trent.

"Well, I think something is wrong. You think we should go back and check it out? They could have run into the Breloom and Shroomish." Trent said with concern, his tail twitching at the same time.

Hound nodded and they decided to go back into the Mushroom Forest. They wandered around for a while, noticing the scenery of the beautiful sunset making all the trees a faded brown color, with the leaves a dark green. They didn't see any Pokemon at all. Something was definitely wrong. They could then hear some faint commotion off to the distance that sounded like chants. The two of them decided to investigate further, and when they reached this point, they couldn't believe what they saw. There were two dog-like Pokemon hanging by ropes above a pit full of sinister Seviper. The mushroom Pokemon were gathered around the pit chanting and having a great time with this celebration.

"Hound, we have to do something!" Trent whispered.

Hound then was looking out in the distance when he saw the same Haunter that had been tormenting them since they had gotten into the town. Hound then put his claw up by his face, pulled up on his eyelids and stuck his tongue out at the ghost. Clearly enraged, the Haunter rushed right into the middle of the "mushroom celebration". All of the territorial Pokemon then saw the ghost and believed it was trying to crash the celebration and started attacking it. A giant wave of lightly colored spores went into the air around the Haunter and somehow missed the gaseous Pokemon. Instead the spores hit some of the Brelooms and Shroomish. The ghost then started throwing Shadow Ball attacks at random. Some of them went too close to Trent and Hound for comfort, but most of them hit some of the mushroom Pokemon.

"Quick, this is our chance! I'll cut the ropes with Quick Attack, you try and get at least one of the Houndours, I'll get the other."

Houndour nodded as Trent dashed off with a a strand of white energy following it, easily cutting the ropes. Hound quickly snatched one of the Houndours. The sly Pikachu was then hit by a Shadow Ball, and unable to get to the other Houndour. Hound gave a great gasp and with a sudden burst of energy, he zipped right across the pit and saved the other Houndour just before a Seviper bit him. Hound let the fellow Houndour down and set his sights on Trent who had been hit badly.

"I'm fine, Hound. Just get them out." Trent said, before using a Double Team and creating clones.

Haunter used even more balls of purple matter that were bigger, and much stronger. One was flying straight toward Trent, who was unable to move. Hound quickly snatched Trent just before the Shadow Ball hit. A big explosion sent the dirt flying.

"Hey, watch it! You almost hit me!" said Trent in a daze.

Hound just grunted in agreement seeing as Trent was in his mouth. Hound dropped Trent by the two Houndours, then motioned for them to take out the Breloom and Shroomish. The heroic mutt jumped right back into the midst of battle by Haunter. He quickly howled to get his blood pumping and lunged at Haunter with a Crunch attack. His jaws turned pure black as he approached the ghost. A ball of swirling darkness then plunged toward Hound. The ball landed straight in Hounds mouth which in some odd way powered up his Crunch attack. His mouth landed on one of Haunters hands. The ghost screamed out in pain as the attack hit. The ghost then used Lick on Hound which paralyzed him for a few seconds, as well as leaving him drenched with nast saliva. During those few seconds Haunter launched another Shadow Ball which hit Hound in the side, where it had before. Hound went flying into a tree. Painfully Hound got up and right about the same time he was about to lunge again with another Crunch attack, a Thunderbolt hit Haunter. Trent was back on his feet, even if barely.

"Hey now, you can't count me out just because of that!" Trent said, using an all-out Thunder attack.

Hound looked at Trent and grinned, then used another Crunch. The massive amount of electrical energy hit dead on, sapping Trent of all his energy, but dealing a great deal of damage. The brave mouse then fell to his knees out of exhaustion. Hound soared toward the unsuspecting Haunter from behind, jaws glowing a black. He latched onto Haunter before he could react, dealing a massive amount of damage. Haunter then fell to the ground, hurt immensely. Then the Houndour did one more Crunch attack and made the Haunter go to la-la land. Hound then looked around and noticed the other two Houndour had managed to take down all of the grassy mushroom Pokemon, or atleast sent them running. He quickly motioned for the shaking mutts to come over.

CloudOfNines
03-30-2008, 12:29 AM
"Now you two, go to the edge of the forest... I will be there in a minute." said Hound to the muscular black dogs with exhaustion clear in his voice.

The dark puppy then picked up the over imaginative Pikachu, put him on his boney back, and started doing some slow Faint Attacks. As Hound exited the musky forest, darkness had already fallen among the once beautiful sunset that reached across the sky. Slowly Hound lowered the little mouse off his back next to the other two Houndour. They had only gotten there a few minutes before him. Hound laid down in the soft, brisk grass, falling asleep only moments after.

A few hours passed, and Trent woke up and looked over at Hound. He looked like he had either passed out or died. Trent freaked.

"HOUND!! No!!" Trent said with a sad face.

Trent kept nudging him, trying to make him move or at least say something. But the exhausted dog did nothing. Then, all of the sudden, Hound's arm moved and pushed Trent over onto a high pile of silky grass.

"I'm sleeping you moron." He said, before going back to sleep.

"Well, don't you think we should get a move on it? You do want to join that clan, don't you?"

Hound opened his baggy eyes and looked at the little mouse. He was covered with dirt and a few bruises, just like Hound was.

"Yeah, I guess so."

The two warriors just needed to make it to the Houndour's den, a cold dark cave where he could tell the rest of the clan that he had finally made it. The two then got up and started heading towards the den. After about an hour of walking, they reached it. The den wasn't anything like Trent imagined. It didn't have little statues of the dog-like Pokemon, or an underground railroad track, but it did look very dark and scarey. Hound and Trent walked in, not finding a welcome back commity, or even a Pokemon. There were no dog-like creatures. No Houndour, nor Houndoom, in sight.

"Your place seems to be quiet Hound. Is it always like this?" said Trent warily.

"No, usually this place is full of activity and-" Hound was saying before his sentence was cut off as they heard an explosion behind them.

Smoke and dirt filled the air, making it dark and musky, completely unseeable. Once the smoke and dust cleared, Hound and Trent turned around to see two trainers that were completely covered in black with no skin showing at all. The trainers were tall, but were as skinny as a dried tomato. Standing right by them were two ghastly figures, definitely some ghost type Pokemon. A Gengar and Haunter stepped forward, the same Haunter that had been tormenting them the day before.

"Ok, honestly, Haunter, what is your deal with us? LEAVE US ALONE!'' Trent said, pointing.

"Hey, didn't your mother ever tell you it's not nice to point, Trent?" Hound said, slapping the rude mouse's hand down.

"Well he shouldn't be bothering us still. He deserves to be pointed at." Trent said, pointing again.

The two went back and forth, discussing the matter intensley until Haunter started in.

"Both of you shut up!"

The two looked at Haunter.

Trent looked around, then added, "He started it..."

Hound then rolled his eyes and howled in order to gain an attack boost. Both of them weren't ready to battle. They were sleep deprived, their fur was matted, and Trent hasn't had his morning cup of freshly brewed coffee.

"Trent, take Haunter. I will take Gengar." said Hound while he was howling.

His muscle became more tone, gaining an attack boost.

"Oh, I'm going to enjoy this!" Trent said, sending an evil smile Haunter's way.

The eager pup then started jumping from side to side while the Gengar was charging up a Shadow Ball. Gengar launched the attack, but Hound quickly moved around it. He then opened his mouth. A hot red flame with hints of orange gathered in his mouth. He countered with a Flamethrower attack which hit the ghost but barely seemed to do anything. The Gengar then cackled as it sent out a barrage of darkness toward the suspecting dog. Hound dodged them by using a succession of Faint Attacks. Once he was up close and personal, his teeth glowed a dark color as he tried to use a Crunch attack but missed. Instead, he bit one of the unsuspecting trainers on the leg. Gengar's fist turned pitch black as he used Sucker Punch on Hound. The attack was successful, hitting Hound on his right side. Once the hit struck Hound, he bit onto Gengar's left arm, using a overwhelmingly strong Fire Fang attack. Gengar then flinched while Hound's mouth glowed black again as he bit Gengar again, except this time it was on the ghost's open forhead.

Trent quickly started things off by making fun of the Haunter. His plan was to make him so mad, he would lose his accuracy and start attacking out of pure rage.

"Yo momma so fat, when she went out side in a red dress, everyone yelled, 'HEY, KOOL-AID!'" Trent taunted the Haunter, causing him to lose focus.

Haunter grew even more flustered. He let loose a barrage of Dark Pulse and Shadow Balls at random, toward the little yellow mouse. Trent kept dodging with his speed. He then quickly used Double Team, confusing Haunter as to which one was really Trent. The clones then surrounded Haunter, then started to tell more "Yo Momma" jokes. The purple monster grew even more angry. It then used Shadow Punch on the clones of the little Pikachu. Once the beast punched one of the many clones, all the Pikachus began piling on top of him, biting him, scratching him, kicking him, then using Thunderbolt. All the little mice began glowing yellow, sending electrical volts surging throughout Haunter's ghostly body. Haunter yelled in horror, throwing the Pikachus off his back, then using Night Shade over all of them. The dark shade of terror covered the vast amount of clones. Trent was hit hard in the stomach and flew back a bit.

Hound shifted his attention at Trent and saw him go flying. The quick glance gave Gengar enough time to Sucker Punch Hound in the chin. The dog was dazed for a second but managed to fill his mouth with more fire and used Flamethrower on Gengar, which managed to burn Gengar. Gengar Screeched in pain and went into a ghastly rampage. Hound was being hit on all sides by Gengar's glowing fists of doom. Trent then bounced off the cave wall and sent a giant jolt of electricity to the Gengar. Gengar stopped his attack and was hit hard by the electrifying attack. Haunter tried to sneak up on Trent, using a Shadow Punch. Hound's eyes started to glow a blood red color, then knocked the Haunter away with a gigantic crimson flow of fire that sent Haunter soaring into the cave wall, hurting it immensely.

"Want to switch opponents, Trent?" asked Hound.

"Sure." Replied Trent.

Gengar towered over Trent in a rage. Trent gulped, then used another Double Team, creating more clones. Gengar, in return, started sending dark waves of energy furiously, hitting anything, and everything, in the cave. The cave walls soon began shaking from the sheer power of the impacts from the monstrous attack. Gengar then looked up to see stalagmites dropping down from the ceiling in the cave, landing on the floor below them. While Gengar's attention was on the cave's ceiling, Trent used a strong Thunder attack. The mouse's eyes turned yellow, as he screamed out. The room was filled with the brightness of the attack, and hit Gengar hard. Gengar was also hurt by its burn. At the same time, Hound was annoying Haunter by using Faint Attack. Haunter then covered the area with a massive amount of Shadowy spheres full of dark energy, which hit the walls of the cave. Hound then leaped for Haunter and bit him between the eyes. It screeched out in pain as its defense fell lower than before. Haunter then used Night Shade on Hound which dealt a bit of damage. Hound then thought, if this goes on much longer we won’t be able to stay conscious.
"Hound, we might have a problem."

"What?"

"Look at the ceiling!" Trent yelled, pointing to the stalagmites.

At that moment a stalagmite landed by Hound.

"Well, we would like to stay and fight you little ghostlies, but unlike you, these things can impale us," Trent said while sticking his tongue out.

Hound then softly bit onto the flabby skin on the back of Trent’s neck and started using Faint Attack to get out of the cave. At the last possible moment, a stalagmite rubbed against Hound's tail, leaving a bloody gash on his tail. Hound held in a yelp.

"You didn’t have to pick me up by the neck you stupid mutt..." said Trent with a look of annoyance in his eyes.

"Well, how else was I suppose to get you out of the cave you little rat!" Barked Hound back.

Both of them then broke down laughing at their fight, shedding a few tears. At that moment the two trainers covered in black and the two ghosts came out of the cave, in a state of furiosity.

"Well, which do you want? Honestly, I would like to make fun of Haunter some more." Trent snickered.

Hound then ran toward Gengar, teeth showing.

"I take that as Gengar. Well, Haunter, you're mine." Trent said, sticking out his tongue, "Catch me if you can!"

The little mouse ran across the smoothe grass and toward the dangerous forest, leaving Hound back near the cave. Hound then leaped at Gengar with yet another Crunch attack, this time biting Gengar on the leg. Hound gave a very loud yelp as Gengar grabbed his tail, making the dog go into a frenzy of Crunch attacks, biting Gengar on every possible spot, every ghastly limb. Gengar punched Hound in the stomach, then in the chin, with an overly powerful Sucker Punch attack. Hound then went flying and hit a tree right next to Trent. Trent helped Hound up and away from the tree just before a Shadow Ball ripped it apart. The explosion gave the mischevious Pikachu a moment to tell a plan to Hound.

"Get into the forest, we will have more cover there." Trent said, before dashing off into the lush forest.

Haunter was still following Trent, unleashing dark typed move after dark typed move, all unsuccessful. Enormous trees were falling down all around as Trent kept running through the forest. The mouse suddenly stopped. Faint sounds of a certain mushroom Pokemon could be heard.

"Ah, just what I was wanting to hear!" Trent quickly started to run the other way.

"I thought we were suppose to be going into the forest, not away!" Hound snarled.

"Yeah, sudden change of plans!" Trent said.

A big explosion hit in the forest right after they had gotten out. The smoke and dust cleared away. There were rocks and turned down trees everywhere. The once green grass turned into filthy brown dirt. There stood a pack of devilish Breloom.

"Oh, I see now." said Hound with big eyes.

Out of nowhere, Gengar appeared right if front of the dog, only to be hit with a green absorbtion move from a Breloom. Gengar yelled as its dark energy was being sucked away and used a Dark Pulse that hit Hound between the eyes. In return, Hound yelped, which brought the attention of all of the Breloom to him and Gengar.

"Crud..." said Hound in a shakey voice.

Gengar's fists turned pitch black again, then hit Hound with a few Sucker Punches, sending him flying. Coincidently all of the Brelooms hit Gengar with a barrage of seeds that exploded on contact, which managed to knock the ghost into dream land.

"Oh! You almost got me! Keep going!" Trent said, laughing at the ingnorant ghost.

Haunter was still chasing Trent. What he didn't realize, was that Trent wasn't even running. He ran around a large tree with Haunter right behind for a bit, then quickly ran up the tree without Haunter knowing. Haunter kept running around the tree.

"Great, there goes Gengar." Trent said. "Now what about him!"

The Breloom and Hound then noticed Trent sitting in a tree, while Haunter ran in a circle around the same tree.

"You'd think he would-" Breloom started to say.

"Hah. Leave it, this is great." Hound laughed.

The whole herd of Breloom then started laughing and took pity on the Haunter. How could one Pokemon be that ignorant?! The fighting Pokemon then went up to the tree and each, in turn, launched a series of glowing seeds on the stupid ghost, which in the end, knocked him out. The two heroes were exhausted, and had no fight left in them. The thievious trainers then snuck up behind the rat and the mutt, only to be stopped from throwing the PokeBalls at them because of two noble Pokemon Rangers coming up at the perfect moment.

“Drop those Pokeballs crooks! This is a Houndour and Houndoom national park! Catching either of these Pokemon will result in an immediate arrest.” stated the two saviors.

“We, were trying to catch the Breloom.” the two trainers said with uncertainty in their voices.

“This is also a Breloom and Shroomish national park, crooks, you're coming into town with us crooks!” said the Pokemon Rangers.

The crooks then started running the opposite direction of the Rangers, only to find themselves in front of some blue haired officers on black and white motorcylces. The trainers then put their hands behind their backs as they were cuffed by the cold steel by the officers.

"Serves you right, crooks! Sorry, I just had to add to how many times the word 'crooks' was said." Trent pointed out.

The noble Pokemon Rangers then looked at the two exhausted Pokemon. They showed great pity toward the two. Trent was covered with dirt, bruises, even grass, just like Hound was. They had put up a great battle, both of them. Despite their disadvantage, they still won the fight.

"We need to get you two to a Pokemon Center!" One of the Rangers called out.

The two Rangers grabbed one Pokeball each and threw them toward Trent and Hound. A crimson light seeped out of the ball and snagged the Pokemon, bringing them back inside it. The ball then began to shake like a Vigoroth that had been awaken from hybernation.


ready for grading :P
Characters with spaces: 28,711
Pokemon: Houndour to FR and Pikachu to TK.

DarkGardevoir
03-30-2008, 07:46 PM
damn, I got sidetracked again :x

anyway, this is mine! *grabs picket sign*

Expect a grade tomorrow

DarkGardevoir
03-31-2008, 09:19 AM
Here you go people. Don't feel too bad, please.

Plot/Introduction: Well, I have to admit it was good. I didn’t know what was going on until the very end of the story.

Basically, a Houndour named Hound has to get though the Mushroom forest in order to get accepted in the clan. On the way, he is attacked by a mob of Breelom and Shroomish, and a Pikachu helps him out. They then travel together to reach the clan’s base. A Haunter keeps following them, and later, when they arrive at the Houndoom’s den( which they find, somehow, empty o.0 ), they find out it’s a trainer’s Pokemon. Battle, and then... A couple of Ranger arrest the two trainers and catch the Houndour and Pikachu to heal them.

It was very confusing in some places. First, I thought Hound didn’t like Trent, and I found it weird that he was so willing to travel with him. I admit I could’ve been sidetracked by Pikachu’s... expansiveness, which often flew into rudeness.
Then, trained Pokemon aren’t likely to travel around by themselves. At first I thought Haunter was a wild Pokemon. Did the two trainer catch it in the PokePark?
Why the den was empty? Did all the Houndour and Houndoom flee? They were having a party with Breelom&co.?
And if they are defensive Pokemon, why those Breelom were celebrating such crude feast with those two Houndour? Wouldn’t they rather get other Pokemon out of their territory instead of being so... human?
Last, how comes suddenly the Breelom act so civil to Hound in the end? Weren’t they still angry that Hound& all the rest were in their territory?

Clearing out those things would’ve been wonderful for the story. Not that it wasn’t good. I couldn’t think a Pikachu being so funny- other, of course, of the 1st season Pikachu. That was amazing, wasn’t him?

Hounder jumped up and yelped, yet again, except this time with fire in his eyes, and mouth. A Flamethrower was sent soaring out of Hound's mouth, flying straight toward the smoke ball. Haunter then screeched like a girl and was sent running away.

Trent then called into the distance, "And that's Mr. Fuzz ball to you!" XD That Trent is evil.

Detail/Description: Dramatic. Really. So we know they’re in a forest. That’s pretty much what you told the reader. But how does the forest looks? The trees were mostly pines, but how did those pines look? Were they elder, with large trunks and Pineco hiding among their branches along with cones? Or new and somehow very tall, challenging the sky with their height?

And the ground? Was it grass-covered, full of plant life so that with every step they menaced a poor flower’s life? Or hard due the continue passagge of the earthquaking Breelom?

When describing something, you should always remember the 5 W and 1 H(well, there is a W in the las question too, but it doesn’t start with it)
Who?
What?
When?
Where?
Why?
How?

So we know who are the characters(even if very approsimatively. Never assume the reader knows how a Pokemon look, even through we’re on a Pokemon forum. You said Shroomish and Breelom are Mushroom Pokemon, but with only this information I can imagine them as being about the same) and what’s happening. To an extent, we even know why. The Where is thrown there as not being very important, but it’s present, and the time of the day is hinted. But what’s the season? How’s the weather? How they are running in the forest, sneaking silently or dashing wildly hoping not to be caught?

Maybe I’m demanding regarding the description, but Emma grew me up with “description is never enough”, so it’s the way I am.

Another thing, you always said the Pokemon name when speaking of him. That’s not good, as repetition makes a story rather boring. You should’ve varied it, for example, by using other nouns. For example, Houndour could’ve been “the dark hound”, “the fire puppy”, “the dark(or fire) Pokemon”, “the dog-like Pokemon” and so on, while Pikachu could’ve been “the yellow rat”, “the electric mouse”, “the electric Pokemon”, “mister Fuzzball” and so on. Just to vary it a little, which makes a story better.

Grammar/Spelling: Nothing major, the story flew well, but there were some common dialogue mistakes and a few mispelling. Here we go...

the forest was about 10 milesUnder the hundred, numbers have to be typed out long. Dunno above the hundred through.

The ground started to rumble a bit; trees shaking
Why a semicolon here? Think it’s a distraction, but pointing this out anyway.

The whole Herd of Mushrooms heard the high pitched yelp.
Herd and Mushrooms doon’t need to be capitalized, so doesn’t need Yellow a little later.

The dog stopped at a nearby town in the forest and laid down in an ally
I believe here goes “the” or “his” ally instead of “an”, as it’s not like he’s been taxi driving Pokemon all the day. Plus, the “in” there is useless.

"Yes, I did... what’s the problem?" Asked Trent with a puzzled look on his face.
Asked needs no capitalization, as the verb is an action connected with the dialogue. On the other hand, the you after the ellipsis should be capitalized.

Hound growled while giving a little sigh.

Hound then blinked and fell asleep from exhaustion.This is not an error, but in my (not so) humble opinion you could’ve made this one sentence. It would’ve looked better:

Hound growled while giving a little sigh, then blinked and fell asleep from exhaustion.

"Oh nothing, just this stupid Houndour falling asleep when I was trying to explain some stuff to him." said Trent in anger.At the end of the dialogue here, as the action is connected with it, goes a comma, and the part after, as you did, needs no capitalization.

said the Haunter through an evil grin.
I think you meant “with” here, “through” for some reason looks bad to me.

Hounder jumped up and yelped, yet again, except this time with fire in his eyes, and mouth
Hounder? Misspelling! And there is no need for the third comma, it gives an unneded pause.

He only had a little ways to goways should be way, it’s always singular.

"Stupid little rat, nice one Trent.”Either Trent or Stupid little rat are useless here. I’d take out Trent, and make it look like this:

Nice one, stupid little rat.

but their were no other Houndour/ Houndoom in sight.First, it’s “there” not “their”. Second, in a story you don’t put a “/”. Instead, you use “and”, “or”, “nor” and things like that.

there were no other Houndour nor Houndoom in sight.

"He started it.."
An ellipsis always wants 3 periods. Else it’s not an ellipsis.

That’s pretty much it, don’t feel too bad for the amount I pointed out. I’m always like this, and since I did those errors a lot too it’s better to fix them as soon as possible. Also, proper nouns like Jenny DON’T have a prural form. They stay the same. Same goes with Pokemon names, althrough it’s a bit different and we may skip on it.

Lenght: Disappointing. But that’s because I’m used to max out. Never stop as soon as you reach the minimal lenght required, it’s bad, bad, bad, bad. At least aim to the middle lenght, it isn’t a sin.

Battle: Although they lacked description, these were nice, especially for the funny remarks of Trent. But you see, just the fact you say the attack hit, and where, it doesn’t mean is enough. For example, how did the attack struck his opponent? Did Haunter take out of nowhere a giant tongue and started licking Hound that, due the disgust and the unfriendly sensation, got paralyzed? The Sucker Punch Gengar often used at the end, was it aiming to a weak spot in the defenseless Houndour as it was attacking? Pikachu’s thunder, was it a towering energy beam that fell from the sky to Haunter, stiking violently through the ghost’s defenses?

If you focused a little more on the description, you wouldn’t have been so stingy on the lenght.

Outcome: If this was a normal story by only one person, I would have no problems with saying at least one of those two Pokemon would be caught. But being a paired story, the weak chin on one’s armor are weak on the partner’s too. Nor Pikachu or Houndour caught. I don’t care much of the grammatical aspects, more of the description honestly. The lenght will come by itself ;p

Good luck on the retry! Ring me if you need my services again.

DarkGardevoir
04-03-2008, 04:27 PM
So huh, you said it was ready for a regrade.

Honestly, I am disappointed at the grammr- other than the mistakes I directly pointed out, they were all there. They were just example, just so you know- but you went a bit more creative with description and that's good. It was a bit repetitive with "Hound here", "Gengar there", but well, we can't always get what we want. Pikachu and Houndour caught. Have fun.