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Zolar
04-01-2008, 11:08 PM
"Tishuno time to go to bed." my mom said. I was studing up on pokemon since tomorrow was my 10th Birthday.

"Ok mom!" I was so exited it was my first adventure with a pokemon! I went on thinking and thinking suddenly I fell asleep. While I slept I drempt about pokemon.

"Wha....What? Where am I?" I thought. Then something weird happened I saw something I couldn't make out the image. I kept coming closer and closer. Suddenly I woke up.

"Wake up Tishuno it's time to get your pokemon!" My mom said. I woke up right away got dressed and ran outside to Professer Oak's Lab.

"Professer Oak you here?" I said. "Yeah back here!" So I went to the very back of the lab.

There was no one there "Back here Tishuno!" he said. There was an open door so I went outside as the door creeked open.

It was amazing acres and acres of land all with different terrains. One with Grass One with a fire pit one with a swamp and one with a massive tree.

"Hey Professer you here"I asked. I looked around saw him with three pokeballs.

He said "In these pokeballs there are three pokemon you can take one and only one. There is Charmander the fire type Squirtle the water type Bulbasaur the grass type."
Now which one do you want?" he said. I thought and hard. "I'll have Bulbasaur." Bulbasaur was excited and hopped into my arms.

Professer Oak handed me the pokeball. Thanks Professer! I hollered. He waved. I waved back. Oh take this pokedex too.I grabbed the pokedex and ran outside.

Soon I ran to my house there was a gift on the porch. I read the note aloud. "Dear Tishuno, Here are some running shoes for my new Pokemon Trainer.
Only run where you can Love, Mom."

So I swiched my shoes with the running shoes and ran off with Bulbasaur and the pokedex. "We should probably get some pokeballs."

So we went into the Pokemart and walked up to the cashier and askedHow many pokeballs Can I buy with $3000?" They responded "Five would you like to buy Five pokeballs?""Yeah thanks" I handed the cashier the $3000 and got five pokeballs in return.

I ran out into tall grass and got into a fight with a wild Pidgey "Bulbasaur use Tackle!" Bulbasaur charged at the Pidgey and it hit! I could tell it was weak so I threw a pokeball at it.

Wobble......Wobble.......Wobble the pokeball went. All of a sudden the center peice turned white. "YES!!" Me and Bulbasaur Jumped into the air.

Emily
04-02-2008, 07:49 AM
ill delete this post if you want me too.
1)you cant say if you capture pidgey
2)its to short

Please leave these things to a grader to do, only graders are allowed to post in other people's stories.

raintop
04-02-2008, 08:48 PM
As a note, this story is not really long enough even for a Pidgey. Because you asked me to grade it, I will, but you really need to add more to the story. Follow the lines of my grade to revise and rework, and when you add more.

Plot: Tishuno is excited about getting his first Pokémon, and when he falls asleep he has a dream about doing so. This somehow turns out to be real, and he picks Bulbasaur, and they go home and get some running shoes. Then, they buy some pokéballs and go into the tall grass, battling a Pidgey and catching it.

This was a very overused plot, and it was severely underdeveloped on top of that. The beginning was extremely unclear, and I was confused through the whole length of the story as to whether Tishuno was awake or asleep. The plot itself is good enough for a simple level Pokémon like Pidgey (though not much else), but you need to buff it up a lot with clear, crisp development and maybe some interesting twists and turns.

Introduction: As noted, this was confusing. There really was no introduction, which can explain the setting, the appearance of the characters, and pretty much everything. You began it with dialogue, which is fine, but the dialogue needs to have some description. What did his mom look like? Was she stern after having to tell him to go to bed so many times, or was it the first time she had asked? Furthermore, did Tishuno have difficulty going to sleep, or was he fine with it> I wish you had gone more into why he was getting a Pokémon and how he felt about it. Like, what types did he like? What did he want the most?

Grammar: You had a lot of issues here, but luckily they were all the same. Note that I'm only giving one example of each, so you'll have to be wary when you go back and edit, and catch your own mistakes.

<<"Tishuno time to go to bed." my mom said. >>
A lot of authors have this problem, but there should be a comma before the quotation marks, rather than a period. This applies unless there is a question mark or exclamation point instead of a period. The only other issue was that there should also be a comma after Tishuno, as it is a name. There is a reason for both, but it's too complex to really bother with, and better just to know and follow the rule. There is also a comma before a name, though it does not apply in this sentence, where the name is first.

<<"Ok mom!" I was so exited it was my first adventure with a pokemon! >>
There should be a comma after Ok, as noted above. Further, Pokemon needs to be capitalized because it is a proper noun, and really should have the accent (some graders jump on this, I do not. The only reason I've put it is for future reference).

<<Then something weird happened I saw something I couldn't make out the image. >>
This is a very awkward sentence. It should really be something like:
<<Then something weird happened; I saw something. I couldn't make out the image.>>
Since there are three independent clauses (phrases with a subject and a verb), it was a run-on. A semicolon can fix that in one case, but really you shouldn't have all three in the same sentence. The period also gives it a more dramatic pause.

<<"Professer Oak you here?" I said. "Yeah back here!" So I went to the very back of the lab. >>
It's Professor, actually... And really, there should be an 'are' after 'Professor Oak', and a comma, too. The other mistake was that the two pieces of dialogue should be separated, as whenever a new person speaks it should be a new paragraph.

<<It was amazing acres and acres of land all with different terrains. One with Grass One with a fire pit one with a swamp and one with a massive tree.>>
Because I mention this later, it really should be something like:
<<It was amazing; acres and acres of land, all with different terrains. One had grass, one a fire pit, one a swamp, and one with a massive tree.>>
Because commas go between each item of a list.

Keep all of this in mind when you edit! Also, watch your conventions (periods, question marks, etc), because sometimes you put the wrong one. Hopefully you'll see what I mean when you read over it again ;D. Sometimes, also, you forget quotation marks.

I recommend putting it in Microsoft Word or another spell checker before you post it, next time, as oyu had quite a few spelling mistakes. If you don't have a program, you can use this:

Orangoo Spell Check (http://www.orangoo.com/spell/)

Or something similar.

Description: There was pretty much none. You need to beef up everything with lots of description, tell what everyone and everything looked like. Furthermore, get past sight and into feeling and smells. You did have some description as to how Tishuno was feeling, which is good, because even seasoned writers tend to forget this all-important aspect of a story. Perhaps my favorite part of thee story was this:

<<It was amazing acres and acres of land all with different terrains. One with Grass One with a fire pit one with a swamp and one with a massive tree. >>

Though the grammar is skewed, it gave me a clear, unique picture that only you could paint. Don't assume that the reader knows what you think everything looks like, instead act as if you were talking to a blind person through your writing. Description can make the difference between confident writing and amateur writing. Use your creativity, and paint everything with words.

Battle: What battle? Only one move was made, which is too short even for a simple Pokémon. Spice it up with lots of interesting moves and description of what the moves looked like and how they were put into effect. Like, if you had used razor leaf, what did it look like? Were sharp leaves piercing through the air at great speed, or did they dally in the wind and miss often, only making their mark through their sheer number?

Length: 2k, which is, as mentioned, too short. Go for 5-11k when you edit/start over.

Outcome: It's your first story, so it's understandable that you didn't quite grasp the complete scale of the URPG. I suggest you read the <<How To Write Stories>> (http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8445) thread, and fix everything. For now, Pidgey not captured! You show promise as a writer, and I'm sure you're going to get in well here with a bit of practice! PM me for a regrade!