View Full Version : Seperated!

-Pichu Boy-
04-02-2008, 01:39 PM
~-Chapter One. Mark-~

I sat in the shade of the oak tree at the edge of the field, and let all my thoughts drift away. It gives so much pressure, being a Pokémon trainer. So much, that sometimes, you really need to sit down and relax. It’s times like these that make you feel really good about yourself, and think about how wonderful it is to be alive. Times when the sun is shining, you’re watching your Pokémon play in the crystal blue lake running through the field, and you don’t have to worry about anything. I ran my fingers through my long, spiky, blonde hair, messing it up. That’s how I like my hair, in a random position. Not combed or gelled or anything, just natural. I watched Impambo, my Ambipom, splash Bayleef and Electy, my Electabuzz, by using the two tails with fists on the end of them he had. Bayleef shrieked as a wave of water covered the leaf the protruded from her head. She shook herself dry, the buds on her wide neck wobbling. The yellow Pokémon splashed Impambo back. Electy, also a yellow Pokémon but with black zigzag markings, was about to dip its antennae in the water and release the electricity stored in them, when I shouted at him not to, as it would harm not only himself, but Bayleef and Impambo as well. I let myself slide from a sitting position to a lying position, my blue top and denim jeans sliding on the ground. Listening to nothing but the waves that my Pokémon were creating and their shrieks as they got splashed, I had a hard time keeping my eyes open and not falling asleep. ‘If I do fall asleep, my Pokémon will probably take advantage of me’ I thought. I decided to get up and go join my Pokémon, when suddenly I heard a twig snap behind me. I turned and stared into the dark forest behind me. I couldn’t make out any silhouettes, so I just shrugged and ran off to the lake to join my Pokémon, forgetting about the twig that snapped.

~-Chapter Two. Ralts-~

I ran through the forest as fast as I could, determined not to look back at what was chasing me. I kept using my psychic powers to put trees in the way of it, but it just slashed right through them. I knew that if I didn’t lose it soon, it would do what it did to my big brother. I tried to shrug the memory out of my brain, but it was stuck there, permanently forged into my memory bank. A Mightyena barging into our home looking for food, my mum and dad running for their lives, me trying to follow them and tripping. Just before the Mightyena could pounce on me, my brother, a Gallade jumped onto the Mightyena a brought it to the ground. His last words to me were “Run! RUN!” I did, I ran as fast as I could. Behind me I could hear a ferocious battle going on, then all of a sudden footsteps behind me. I did the foolish mistake of stopping and looking back, just to see Mightyena, blood dripping from its fangs. The fox-like Pokémon sprinted after me, and that’s how I got into this forest. ‘I can’t keep running forever’ I knew, so I swerved unexpectedly and hid behind a tree. The black Pokémon halted and started sniffing around, eager to find me and feast on me. It was just about to find me, when a torrent of water blasted it.

“That’s right, Blastoise! Show that Mightyena who’s boss!” I heard a female voice cry. Another blast of water knocked the Mightyena off of its feet. The fox Pokémon got up and fled, the girl and the turtle Pokémon, Blastoise, hot on its tail. I sighed and came out from my hiding place, only to find I was on the border of the forest. What stood beyond me was a lush, green field with a lake in the middle, the most amazing shade of blue I’d ever seen. With a closer look, I could see that there were 3 Pokémon in there, playing with such care-free attitudes. I began to walk towards them, to ask if they’d seen my parents, when I noticed another human, this one a boy of roughly 14. He was lying underneath a huge oak tree, so big, in fact, that I had to make my head almost perpendicular with my body to see the top. Suddenly, the boy got to his feet and I stepped backwards, as to not get in his view, but I stepped on a twig, cracking it. The boy swerved and looked in my direction. I ducked down, hoping that the boy wouldn’t see me, and would just go away. I plucked up the courage to look again, and saw the boy walking towards the Pokémon in the lake. I figured that he must be a trainer, one of those things my big brother used to tell me about all the time. They fought you until you were too weak to carry on, and then would throw a capsule shaped like a sphere at you, usually coloured red on the top and white on the bottom, but they came in other colours too. The capsule would shake as you would struggle to get free, but usually you would be too weak to keep going, and the capsule would lock you in, trapped in a miniature prison. They would sometimes let you out, but usually only to make you fight another Pokémon, and then they throw a capsule at that Pokémon, and it keeps going on. I decided that, from what I knew, it would be best to keep my distance. I stepped backwards again, but froze as I felt a paw beneath me. A low voice growled at me.

“We have some unfinished business, you little runt!” I turned my head and saw Mightyena, baring its fangs, ready to devour me. I took no chance and ran into the wide open field, screaming a cry for the other Pokémon to hear.

~-Chapter Three. Mark-~

I’d just kicked a huge wave of water over my Pokémon, when suddenly I heard a shrill cry from behind me.

“Ralts! Ralts!” I heard. I sharply turned around and saw a Ralts running out from the forest, a Mightyena close behind it. Seeing the frightened face the Ralts had, I figured the Mightyena was scaring it, and that made me angry. I stood up in the lake, the water halfway up my shins and shouted a command to Electy.

“Use Thunderbolt!” I shouted. I heard the electricity build up in the antennae on its head before it let loose… straight towards Ralts! It hit, bang on target, unfortunately, and Ralts collapsed to the ground. “No, Electy, hit Mightyena!” I cried. Electy once again let rip a bolt of energy, but this time towards Mightyena. Again, the target was hit and Mightyena froze in its tracks and glared at us. It was making eye contact with Electy, a gesture I knew meant ‘Bring it on!’ Electy stepped forward, returning the eye contact, accepting the challenge. I knew a rivalry was brewing, and decided to end the silence. I stepped out of the water, as my feet were getting cold, and watched as Mightyena charged forward, its teeth bared for a Crunch attack. I didn’t react, just waited for the blow that would never come, and, sure enough, Mightyena winced at the last second. The Thunderbolt had paralyzed it, and was making the Mightyena incapable of moving. I saw my chance and ordered Electy to use Low Kick. Electy balanced on one leg whilst spinning and sending the other leg straight into Mightyena’s chest. The Dark-type went flying, before landing painfully on its back. It slowly got to its feet, and charged again. “Alright Electy, run towards Mightyena!” I commanded. Electy ran towards Mightyena, both Pokémon with their eyes locked onto each other. “Now Electy, jump!” I shouted. Electy jumped and Mightyena ran underneath, before skidding and coming to a standstill. It swivelled around and charged yet again. “Alright, Electy! Run towards the oak tree!” The Electric-type did so, and stopped when underneath. I waited until Mightyena was closing in on Electy, before instructing him to grab onto the branch above him. He did, and Mightyena ran right underneath him. Electy dropped from the branch and his hand crackled before I even told him to do anything. He swung his arm at Mightyena and the Thunderpunch made Mightyena skid on the ground. Mightyena growled a low growl and got up, and suddenly pounced and landed on top of Electy. It bared its teeth, ready to use Bite. “No, Electy! Don’t let the prey become the predator! This is our only chance to save Ralts!”

~-Chapter Four. Ralts-~

The lightning bolt hit me with such force, I thought I was going to die then. Luckily I managed to hold on, but that did confirm what my brother said Pokémon trainers were. Horrible, evil people who go for the weakest ones first. I heard some mumbling that seemed so distant, although I knew it was close by, and I heard another Thunderbolt go. I thought ‘This is it. I’m going to die. Oh well, at least it’ll be better than becoming a slave to a trainer and being forced to battle the weaker Pokémon and feeling like a big bully. Or would I change? If I got caught, would I LIKE that feeling? Does the capsule change you?’ I braced myself for the Thunderbolt, waiting, waiting. I started to wonder why it hadn’t hit, and managed to build up the strength to open one eye. I saw the Electabuzz bravely fending off the Mightyena. It dropped from a tree branch and used one of the most powerful Thunderpunches I’ve ever seen. The Mightyena looked seriously pained by it, but in a split second was onto of Electabuzz, ready to Bite. The boy started to shout.

“No Electy! Don’t let the prey become the predator! This is our only chance to save Ralts!”
Those last two words rang in my ears like an echo. ‘save Ralts… save Ralts… save Ralts…’ I didn’t know whether to think trainers were good or bad. He’d hit me with a Thunderbolt, but now wanted to save me. I was so confused that I let out a Hypnosis attack without wanting too. I was scared it might hit the people trying to save me, but also scared that if it hit Mightyena, the people might then come after me. I watched as Mightyena gained a purple aura around it, and drifted off to sleep. The Electabuzz stood up, making the Mightyena fall to the ground, and used a Thunder attack. The clear blue sky suddenly filled with dim grey clouds. Lightning attacks started shooting down, not reaching, but suddenly, the whole world lit up as the Thunder attack crashed down onto the Mightyena. Too much for it to handle, the Mightyena woke up and fled. The boy and his other two Pokémon cheered, whilst Electabuzz came over to me.

“(Sorry about zapping you earlier, my trainer didn’t tell me a target so I thought I was getting you)” he said to me.

“(That’s ok)” I weakly replied. “(But I have one question. What’s it like having a trainer?)” Electabuzz thought for a moment, then answered.

“(It all depends on the type of person who catches you. That’s what the humans call it when the capsule locks. Some trainers are vicious and mean to Pokémon, and think they’re for battling only, whilst others, much like my trainer, are kind and will stop you battling if you look weak, unless there’s a good reason.)” I thought about this, and what my brother had said. He was partly right, trainers could be how he described them, but there were others that treated you kindly.

“(Do trainers protect you from dangers, such as that Mightyena?)” I asked.

“(Yes)” was all the Electabuzz said. I think he knew what I was getting at.

“(Do you think your trainer would want me to be one of his Pokémon?)” I asked, hope filling my heart. Electabuzz smiled.

“(I don’t see why he wouldn’t)” he told me. “(But he’d have to do it properly. You’d have to battle one of his Pokémon until you were weak enough for him to catch)”

(“But I’m too weak to fight… could he heal me so we could fight?”) I feared that the answer would be no, but Electabuzz nodded and called the boy over.

~-Chapter Five. Mark-~

I watched Electy and the Ralts have a discussion.

“If only I knew what they were talking about…” I wondered aloud. I could see that Electy was gesturing to me, wanting me to come over. I did and he started babbling at me in Electabuzz language. I thought I had the gist of what he was saying, but just wanted to make sure. “Are you trying to say that Ralts wants to fight me to see if I can catch it?” Electabuzz nodded, and pointed to Ralts. “But he’s too weak, so we need to heal him first?” I asked. Another nod. “Well, what are we waiting for, let’s get him to the Pokémon Centre!” I ordered. Impambo and Bayleef, Impambo using his fist-tails and Bayleef using Vine Whip, carried Ralts whilst Electabuzz walked along side, hoping that the Ralts would be alright. I walked in front, seeking the nearest city. When we arrived at a Pokémon Centre, I immediately asked if Ralts could be haled ASAP. The Nurse Joy at the counter smiled and called in two Chansey. They took Ralts and carried it into a healing room. My Pokémon and I had to wait outside the room. I paced back and forth, eager to battle and maybe add a new Pokémon to my team. Impambo, Bayleef and Electy sat on the chairs nearby.

About half an hour later, the doors opened and Ralts walked out, obviously feeling a lot better. I chuckled at it looked around in awe at the building, obviously having never seen a building from the inside before. It turned to me and I asked it the question I’d been waiting a whole half-hour to ask. “Ready to battle?” Ralts nodded.

Back at the meadow, Ralts stood opposite me and waited for me to send out my Pokémon. I went with Bayleef, and the battle began.

~-Chapter Six. Ralts-~

I started off by instantly using my Hypnosis attack, but as Bayleef started to get covered by the aura, it used Safeguard. I wasn’t expecting that, and so let myself off-guard. In that small time that I hesitated, Bayleef used a Razor Leaf attack on me. I felt the leaves scratch at my skin and wanted it to stop so badly. I dropped to the floor, weak from the critical hit. Bayleef used a Vine Whip attack and picked me up, before slamming me back down to the floor. I cried out and went to the floor again. The boy ordered Bayleef to use one final Razor Leaf, but expecting what was happening, I used Confusion to stop the leaves in their track, then send them back to Bayleef. The leaves made contact, and then I noticed the Safeguard shatter. I swiftly used another Hypnosis and Bayleef slumped to the ground, asleep. I moved closer and started to open my mouth wide, ready for Dream Eater. I started sucking the good dreams out of Bayleef’s head, and they were so-o-o tasty. I felt myself getting stronger with every dream I ate. Just before I reached the peak of my strength, however, Bayleef woke up and made another Safeguard. I knew that if I didn’t get a new strategy fast, I would definitely be caught, and even though that was something I wanted to happen, I wanted to put up a fight first. I didn’t move as the boy commanded his Bayleef to Body Slam me. Bayleef jumped into the air and started to come crashing down on me, when I Teleported at the last second. Bayleef hit the ground with a THUD and it took a while before it got up. Bayleef used another Razor Leaf on me which I wasn’t expecting. The leaves once again tore at my skin, making it feel like I’d been stung by a million and one angry Beedrill. A Vine Whip came hurtling through the leaves and knocked me onto the ground. I rolled onto my back and opened my eyes, only to see Bayleef about to Body Slam me. It didn’t hurt that much, but I cried out. The boy saw his chance and brought out one of the red-and-white capsules I’d feared my whole life. He pressed a button in the centre and the ball grew bigger. He was just about to throw it when a desperate cry tore through the woods.

“Gall? Gallade Gall!” I noticed the voice and, forgetting all about the boy and being captured, I ran towards what I knew was my brother, calling for me. I started replying to his distressed shouts.

“Ral! Ralts!” I screamed, hoping he would hear. There was a rustling in the forest and then out emerged my brother. He had a huge rip in his flesh on the right side of his chest that was bleeding quite badly, but that hadn’t stopped him looking for me.

“(Oh Ralts! You’re ok!)” he said, tears dripping from his face. “(I thought I’d lost you forever!)” He ran towards me and knelt down. I ran into his arms, hugging him, wishing I could never let go. It was then the boy and his Pokémon flashed back into mind.

“(Brother! I’ve met a Pokémon trainer!)” I told him. His face immediately darkened.

“(Who? What ahs he done to you?” he demanded.

“(No, brother. Pokémon trainers are good people… well, some are. A trainer’s Pokémon told me! He’s right over there)” I said, pointing to the boy. My brother stood up and walked over to the boy.

“(You’re a Pokémon trainer, are you?)” he asked. Of course, the boy had no idea what he was saying, but nodded anyway.

“(Have you hurt my brother, Ralts?)” he asked. I groaned.

“(Brother, he hasn’t hurt me!)” I whined. “(Well, he has, but only because…)” I stopped.

“(Because what?”) asked my brother.

I took a deep breath. “(Because I want to be one of his Pokémon!)” I said. “(Please don’t be mad, it’s just this boy doesn’t seem so bad. And I’ve made friends with his Electabuzz, I know I’ll be safe… please, Brother! If Mum and Dad were here they’d let me go!” I pleaded. My brother looked at me, then the boy, then back at me. He bowed his head.

“(Alright Ralts. You can go!)” he said. I jumped into the air, before wincing. I’d been Paralyzed by the Body Slam. My brother turned to the boy. “(And as for you, you better take good care of my brother, or you’ll have ME to answer to!)” he said it in a threatening way, so that the boy would get the message. Wearily, the boy nodded and held up the capsule. My brother nodded, and stepped back. “(Good-bye Ralts!)” he said. I smiled and took one last look at my brother.

“(Bye, brother!)” I said, tears starting to form in my eyes. Suddenly, I felt something hit my head. “(Ow!)” I said, before realising I was being sucked into the capsule. As the ball started to wiggle, I was happy that I was probably going to the best place I could be.

-Pichu Boy-
04-02-2008, 01:41 PM
Pokémon: Ralts
Characters needed: 10k-20k
# of Characters (w/o spaces): 14,397 (inc. Chapter titles)
# of Characters (w/ spaces): 17,650 (inc. Chapter titles)

And laos, the reason it says 'Mark' or 'Ralts' in the chapter names is because it alternates between their points of view, so it's just saying which point of view it's currently in.

04-15-2008, 10:07 PM
I've got this =D

-Pichu Boy-
05-09-2008, 06:44 AM
Lati-chan is going to grade this now, since raintop hasn't been active for about a week.

No-one else stealy >:o Lati-chan has dibs.

05-09-2008, 07:07 AM
I GOT DIS. :3 I'll have a grade up in a few hours. ^^

Plot/Introduction: So a young trainer (you never mentioned his name) is sitting down by an Oak tree while his Pokémon splash in the water. He's relaxing under the warm rays of the sun and tries not to go asleep. Then a Ralts is being chased by a group of Mightyena, his brother tries to save him and then Ralts gets away. He hides behind a tree, and then when the Mightyena are back for him the boy decides to stop them. He battles them ans chases them away. Then Ralts talks to Electabuzz, finding out having a trainer is great fun. So Ralts agrees to battle him and see if the boy can capture.

In my opinion this was a very good plot, I loved how you told the story from Ralts' view and the boy's view. It started out a little boring, but then when you kicked in the whole "Ralts in danger!" thing I thought it got a lot more exciting. You definitely provided a hook which made me want to read on. I enjoyed this story a lot. One question; what was the boy's name? You did it in his point of view, so it would be hard to tell us, but it's what you should try and do in case you ever decide to include another male character in a story. I think the only thing here you need to work on is elaborating on the plot a bit more, the Ralts side was fine, but the side with trainer and his Pokémon was very boring. >__< Readings comics, books and watching movies can give you all sorts of idea's.

Length: When writing a story you should always try and aim for at least midway to the maximum length. Just so you won't have any troubles here, you went over the minimum, good job. :)

Grammar/Spelling: It seems you have quite a good grasp of grammar. ;] I only found a couple of major mistakes. ;3

I took no chance and ran into the wide open field,

"wide open" should have an "-" in between them.

I thought ‘This is it. I’m going to die.

Usually when someone is talking/thinking you start a new paragraph, meaning that the first letter of the first word should be capitalized, but the fact you didn't start a new paragraph, you don't need "This" capitalized.

‘save Ralts… save Ralts… save Ralts…’

First would in a sentence should always be capitalized.

, then send them back to Bayleef.

It should be "and then".

Bayleef used another Razor Leaf on me which

There should be a comma after "me".

“(You’re a Pokémon trainer, are you?)” he asked. Of course, the boy had no idea what he was saying, but nodded anyway.

“(Have you hurt my brother, Ralts?)” he asked. I groaned.

You had the same mistake twice here. If you use a comma, question mark, exclamation mark etc to finish speech, you capitalized the next word. But you don't do this if you end speech with a comma.

I’d been paralyzed by the Body Slam.

I think you worded this wrong; maybe try "The Body Slam had paralyzed me."

Other than that there are no other mistakes I need to mention, good job.

Description/Detail: This was pretty good, I felt you tried to describe everything you could, but you forgot some things. Emotions? I felt that Ralts probably felt sad, or anxious when he was being chased by the Mightyena, I'd be. I also don't think we got a description of Ralts or Gallade either. You gave brief descriptions of the other Pokémon, but you should try and give us a little more than that. I also think you overused some adjectives. Try using a lot of different words, or even different words that have the same meaning. I also felt that the description was a little tedious at places, I felt like it was dragging me when I already had enough description. But you gave good description, nice job. :]

Battle: By far the best portion of this story, in my opinion. It wasn't like the crappy game boy battles, where it was dull and they take turns. You had dodging, tacking, moves (and a wide selection of them) too. So good job on this. I think you could've used your surroundings more, battling around a lake there a lot of things to use for Bayleef and Ralts advantage.

It was also pretty cool with the sort of battle against the vicious Mightyena's. I liked how you used the weather as well. :] Nice job on it, but Mightyena has a wide range of moves, so it could've used more than it did. But I liked the battles, they were exciting and very like the anime battles. ^^

Outcome: I had mixed feelings about this story, the description was alright, as was the plot, but then the battle came in and saved you. Ralts Captured! Have fun with the little... Whatever it is!

-Pichu Boy-
05-09-2008, 04:01 PM

And I know I didn't mention his name in the story BUT I did put after the chapter titles who was describing the current situation. So I thought you could've guessed from that.

And wow. I didn't realise I did so many mistakes. Some of them were probably just typos (the 'which' after me), some plain idioticy (is that a word? xD) and others me not knowing the rules.

Just one thing, though. I've never been told to capitalise a word after a question mark/exclamation mark in speech.

“(You’re a Pokémon trainer, are you?)” he asked.

That's how I've always been told to do it... Word won't tell me which is right and which is wrong (it's correct both ways, according to Word).

But, aside from all the bad stuff...


05-09-2008, 09:34 PM
I'm just going with what I know, so... ;3 Yeah :P lol, I forgot about the chapter title thingies. xP Sorry. :s