View Full Version : L'Orage

Zombie Muse
04-09-2008, 02:48 AM
:Ready For Grading:
Pokemon: Horsea
Characters: 25,031

Chapter 1: The Storm
Part 1: Gone with the Wind

Thunder crashed as lightning flashed. The winds howled with the might of Poseidon. The waves roared high up into the sky and crashed down onto the dark sandy beach. Lightning flashed again as the outline of the clouds lit up in a dark show of anger and rage. Another giant dark wave arose to greet the clouds, but crashed into a very high cliff, a little off from the shore. And there stood the most beautiful creature on the island. A woman, but not just any woman, she was full of beauty and strife, her voice was blessed with the hands of the goddess, Echo. Her long, beautiful, golden locks of hair seamed to glide in the wind. Although the storm was horrible, macabre, and dreadful the gorgeous woman sang her heart out as if calling to the sea. Her pearl white dress resembles the raging ocean as it rippled in the gusts of wind. She sang in beautiful melody,

“Hark, the angels of ages, do me not trapped in this beauty, and send me free of these cages, so I can call out with my duty.” Her beautiful sapphire blue eyes glistened as a ray of sunlight came poring threw the brake of the clouds. It ripped apart the darkness and opened up a gateway to enfranchisement the woman’s voice into the heavens above.

“Bless me, O bless me now, till my hour of setting sun, give me your inability to howl, and your eminence until I have won.” The ocean started to calm as more rays of light broke threw the storm and shinned upon the dazzling waters and the lushes green grasses on the cliff. She fell onto her knees with a thud as she clenched in her hands a magnificent gold and pearl necklace. She stared at the incandescent beam of sun light as she cried. One tear drop dropped onto the face of the pearl incrusted picture of another woman that looked extremely similar to the woman crying, except she was older and her hair was as black as night. The necklace slipped out of the crying girl’s hands as she looked down and sobbed. The ravishing necklace plunged into the dark blue abyss of the sea and was seen no more.

Zombie Muse
04-09-2008, 11:27 PM
Chapter 1: The Storm
Part 2: The Beauty inside the Beast

The golden sun glimmered onto the stone town. The brick roads made it hard not to trip over as merchants, hagglers, and street peasants roamed the area. A tick was heard every couple of seconds as a wooden cane hit the stone road as a vile, ill-favored, hunch backed woman walked a long the streets. Her nose was big and long with one giant hairy mole on the left nostril. Her repugnant, horrid, faded, yellow, and gray hair streamed everywhere as it was covered by a pitch black cape that covered most of the ugly woman’s body. She thudded across the stone brick road with her giant hazel boots.

People murmured and spoke of rumors as she walked by, telling each other stories about how she became so hideous. She heard some things that they said like how her mother was a witch and her father was a demon, or she was deformed at birth, or how her parents hit her and made her look so repulsive, but she ignored them knowing the grotesqueness was only a shroud until she has completed what she had given up to do.

She kept walking as people among the streets stopped the whispering and went on with their lives. She turned at a dark corner and kept walking very slowly. The ally was a dead end, but at the end of the stone was a crack, but it looked too little for anyone to get threw. Old green vines reached out of the crack in the stone wall as if they were escaping death. As she got closer to the wall as the crack now looked big enough for anyone to walk threw. She looked up at the wall and smiled as she walked into it. She was consumed by darkness as if the night had come early and ate her up, but soon there was a bright light that beamed from another end of the dark, mysterious tunnel. The opposite opening light up as it was a secret garden.

The garden was fresh with plant life. It was small because four buildings around it closed it off from any urban life. Green lushes vines grew from the emerald, smooth, grassy ground and climbed up on the gray, hard, stone walls. A tree grew from the ground and soared into the sky with enormous branched and fresh lively leafs. A pool with a light white fog over it made up most of the garden, but it wasn’t blue like many pools of water; it was full of many colors, violet, orange, yellow, light blue, and white. It looked like a giant melted pearl. The horrendous, decrepit woman shuffled over to the pool of non-polluted, crystal clear water and looked down at it with her old baggy gray eyes.

She slipped out of her old, musky, brown boots and dropped her cane. She let the cape fall down to the ground as she stood there wearing a white pearl dress. It was smooth and silky and grasped her body like an experience and very beautiful model. Although this dress was very beautiful and graceful, it did not make the haggish woman look any better. She stood there and opened her mouth to speak, but soon remembered she gave that up for what she wanted. She sighed as she looked up into the clouds as if made at the gods for doing this to her. She looked back down at the pool of alluring water and slipped in. She got completely in all the way up to her neck as her wrinkly body started to tighten, her hair became more golden and full of live, her eyes turn back into the blue beauty from before, her nose went to normal size and the wart disappeared. She became the elegant, statuesque young woman again. She sighed and smiled as he bathed in the water hole.

A small splash became about as the sound of a little Pokemon cried out from the glamorous pool. The young woman sat up straight and looked at the area where the splashing came from with a confused look upon her face. A small delightful, blue, seahorse Pokemon with a little snout and a pair of light white winds came popping out of the pool. It was crying as if someone or something has hurt it. The glamorous, beautiful young girl swam over gracefully to the miniscule, blue seahorse Pokemon. She picked up the Pokemon as it cried and rocked it back and forth calming the small Horsea making it sleepier than saddened like a small child.

Zombie Muse
04-10-2008, 03:47 AM
Chapter 1: The Storm
Part 3: The Wicked Truth

The lovely young maiden sat there in the glorious pearl white pool. She held the small, somnolent, endearing Horsea as it slept lightly as if it were as light as the clouds up above. The fair maiden smiled softly and looked down at the Horsea entranced by its charm to make her as happy as she was before her mother had died. She felt the urge to tell the little seahorse Pokemon a story before it was all the way in dreamland. She took in a deep breath and lifted her smooth wide shoulders and dropped them all as she sighed and finally spoke,

“I wish I could speak all the time. But I only can when I’m in prime. This is the beloved old me, oh why can’t they all see? I gave up my beauty and song, so I could spy on what was wrong. My mother had died, and my father had lied, and I can’t go back till things are tied, but all he's done he's denied.” She looked up at the clouds as they started to form dark and gray. They grew heavy of water and were ready to pour down onto the small town below.

The lavishing young woman looked back down at the insignificant seahorse Pokemon as it slowly opened its drowsy eyes and yawned with a big huff. She smiled and spoke soft words,

“Let’s meet again another day, we had fun, you and I, and what can I say? Mother had said never to lie.” She sat down the Horsea back into the misty pearl waters of the pool. The Horsea smiled as it started to swim again in the pure translucent water. The elegant young woman stood up and walked out of the water as the transformation went back. Here skin became all wrinkled again, with her hair all stiff and out of place. Her hunch grew back on her back with her big long nose accompanied by the large hairy wart. She grabbed her crooked, wooden cane and slipped into her old scuffed up boots. She put on the dark black cape, withdrawing her beautiful dress as she started to walk back to the stone wall. The small seahorse Pokemon cried out for her as if he didn’t want her to leave. She turned back and waved ‘Good bye’ as she walked into and out the vine infested crack in the wall.

Zombie Muse
04-11-2008, 04:11 AM
Chapter 1: The Storm
Part 4: The Revealing

The old, sluggish, wrinkled woman crept down a dark, cold ally. Cardboard boxes full of crumpled up pieces of paper, old skins and cores of fruits and vegetables, and food wraps that are needed no more. A small gust of wind blew up a pile of unwrinkled paper up into the air as the ancient, hunched woman stopped at a small, scratched window on the side of the right, damp wall. She peered inside as she watched a middle aged, tall, dark haired man type on the computer. The lights were turned off and he wore dark clothes so he appeared invisible, but the computer screen made it very easy to see where he was. It also showed pictures of a beautiful young maiden with long locks of golden hair, a slim, silky, white dress, and a face of a goddess. It was the old woman before her deal with the gods, and this man was looking for more pictures and information of her whereabouts.

A floating, dark purple, double headed, ball of solid gas Pokemon came from out of the shadow of the room and toward the man. The tall, dark man turned toward it and smiled at it, as the Pokemon pointed with its body out the window where the old woman was standing. The man looked at his Weezing with a questionable look upon his face and looked out the window. He saw the geriatric, unappealing, hunched woman spying on him as his face became a deep red with fury and rage. He got up and threw his chair down to the ground as he dashed toward the side door of his house as the old woman realized he was coming after her. She started to limp, but run back down the ally from where she came from.

She tried to run as fast as she could, but she was old and her joints were extremely enfeebled and could barley hold the stress of her running. She used her cane to make her go further as she dashed back toward the other ally where the crake in the wall was. She knew no one would go there, because no one, but her cared or even knew about it. She was almost in the ally when the furious, tall, dark man came running out of his house. His face was extremely red and you could see every whisker on his boney chin as they were as dark as he looked and stood out in the bright color of his face. He stumbled as he got up on his quick feet and sprinted at the old, delicate, hideous woman.

Right as he got to the entrance of the ally, she was halfway threw the crack in the wall. The enraged man had to look carefully as he realized the crake in the wall was big enough for people to go threw. He dashed again at where the old woman had gone to, but his Weezing had to stay behind as it was too enormous to fit threw the small crack in the wall. He was able to slip threw the crake in the cold, hard, stone wall. The rough, stone wall scrapped his chest, but he didn’t seam to notice as he was concentrating hard on keeping track of the old, haggish woman. She popped out of the wall and into the secret garden as she was quickly fallowed by the inflamed man. She fell down backwards on her back and scooted away from the man as he crept closer to her. He quickly shouted at her,

“Why do you appear at my window? Everyday I see you there, now stalking someone is really low, but you do not seam to care!” The red faced tall dark man pointed his finger in lecture as he yelled at the old, decrepit woman. She grasped her cane in fear as she looked up at his with her dull, gray eyes in horror for her life. She then snapped to realization that she knew this man from before and let go of her cane. She slipped out of her boots and took off the cape. She was wearing the beautiful, white, slick dress like the gorgeous woman in the pictures on the man’s walls back at his home. The man’s expression on his face changed as he recognized the dress she was wearing. He then again said with anger,

“Where did you get that dress?! I gave that to my daughter… unless.” The man started to calm down a bit as his face went back to the normal peach white skin tone. The grotesque, debilitated, superannuated woman pushed herself into the pearl white, pure water pool. She took in a deep breath as she dove under the water.

She came back up with the golden sheen back in her hair. Her eyes shinned brightly in the sun light as she skin was as smooth as every could be. Her elegant radiance shined threw the cold bitter heart of the middle aged, tall, dark man who stood there, jaw dropped, in awe. The tall, dark man tried to speak, but was too dumbfounded, too bewildered, too astonished to speak any word that would come to mind. He tried to think of something to say as he watched the old, grotesque, wrinkled woman turn into his majestic, radiant, lovely daughter. She stood up sluggishly as she shook off the little droplets at the end of her fingertips. She looked down to see if she wasn’t going to emerge from the pale, white, pure water pool. A splash came from behind the beautiful, young woman as her tall, dark father turned to his left and behind his daughter to see what was going on. The pitter-patter of the water was once again due to the lonely, small, adorable Horsea. The youthful, gorgeous woman leaned down and cupped her hands as she scooped up the little Horsea into her hands. She crossed her arms hold the little, blue, seahorse Pokemon like a child. The Horsea cried out in joy to see the attractive, young woman again as her tall, dark father looked at her with his dark, deep hazel nut eyes and finally said,

“I could never tell, you were my daughter, Annabelle.”

Zombie Muse
04-12-2008, 04:53 AM
Chapter 1: The Storm
Part 5: The Darkness in the Man

The statuesque, young woman stood there in her elegant pearl dress with her back straight, arms crossed, holding the small, innocent Horsea as she played with the Horsea’s tiny, and white, flat butterfly wings. She looked up at her tall, darkened father and spoke,

“I’ve always known who you are kind sir, and I’ve always known what you did. Everyone knows that you killed her, I mean, who are you going do kid? It all happened in your house, the knife, the blood, and everything else, but somehow you were as quiet as a mouse. I heard the screams and all the cries, and everyone bought your silly lies, you went over the top to excel, but you couldn’t fool me, your sweet, Annabelle. You seamed to stalk me and fallow, as I ran away from you, I felt so empty, sad, and hallow, and that’s when I knew. I had to sell my beauty and song, so I could disappear and be gone! I fallowed back to your humble abode, and I fallowed you everywhere on the road. I found out that it really was you who did the crime, but you get away with it all the time. I want to make a stop to this, and so I can live in bliss. I hate you, from the bottom of my core, forever, and forever more. The people are all out there, are you going to go out and tell? Do you not even care, or leave it up to your sweet, Annabelle?” She had a hateful look in her eyes as if she was about to attack her tall, dark father who stood there, pale, thunderstruck, and speechless.

A luminous, incandescent ray of light beamed down from the heavens and upon the majestic, young, slim woman as she closed her eyes and soaked in the sun’s warmth. She slowly stepped out of the pool, Horsea still in hand as she did not return to her ugly, misshapen, haggish, old body. The radiant beam faded away as she stood on land, bare foot as she opened her eyes slowly and glared at her father. The tall, middle aged, dark man stood up straight as he pulled down his pinstriped black shirt, smiled and nodded at Annabelle, turned around sharply and left the lushes secret garden. The exquisite, ravishing, youthful woman looked down at the small, joyful, Horsea as a lock of her golden hair fell in front of her face. She looked up at the entrance of the secret garden and started to walk out as her pearly, white, silk dress waved in the slight breeze.

Annabelle walked out into the town’s streets as she delicately touched the ground as the small pebbles dug into her bare feet. She looked around to watch for bystanders as she was about to cross the street with the tiny, blue, seahorse Pokemon in her hands. The tiny Horsea cried out as if it had never seen the beauty of the town. Emerald leafs covered the dark brown bark of the trees that were reaching out for sunlight. The small houses were made of stone and brick, just like the one ay roads. They crumbled a bit from aging, but they looked as beautiful as ever. The fresh grass that covered most of the land waved in a smooth coordination directed by the wind. She walked happily and blissfully as she stopped to smell the crisp cool air. It smelled as though the gods had just taken out a fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies, just about ready to eat. She could just taste the fresh cookies on the tip of her tong when she smelled something terrible, something vile and disgusting. She turned around as she wrinkled her nose at the smell. The Horsea cried out because of the smell, it even made Annabelle cry a little because it was so abhorrent.

The lovely, young woman looked behind her to find her dark, tall, angry father with his floating, double headed, poisonous gas Pokemon spurring out gasses that smelled like vomit, moldy foods, old crusty clothes, a sweaty man that hadn’t taken a shower in years all wrapped together in a sea of dead, rotting fish. Her father glared at her with a look in his eyes that he needed to keep his secret. He spoke in a quiet whisper, but loud enough for only her to hear him,

“No one can know the truth, you sick, worthless, conniving sleuth!” The elegant, wonderful woman’s face lit up with horror as the Horsea cried out in pain from the smell. Annabelle turned and ran with one arm in the air, and the other holding the small, miniscule Horsea trying to protect him from her horrid, gruesome, and fearsome father. She turned right in the next intersection up above. She could see the sea from where she was as she dashed down the street. She heard the heavy trotting footsteps her father was making as he was fallowing her down to the sandy shore of the beach.

Zombie Muse
04-14-2008, 04:51 AM
Chapter 1: The Storm
Part 5: L’Orage

Dark, gloomy, gray, and black clouds started to come in from the wide, deep blue sea. The rumbled with anger as the monstrous storm ran right onto the small, senseless island. The clouds, heavy with rain, quickly stepped foot onto the shore of the island, the same shore where the elegant, graceful, young woman ran with her arms grasping the small, innocent, blue seahorse Pokemon. The Horsea cried out as to warn Annabelle about the oncoming hurricane. The dark, tall, furious man leaped down the stone paved hill, stomping with anger. The dark clouds flashed brightly as the gloomy black clouds bellowed out in a thunderous roar. The sweet, lovely Annabelle flinched in the deafening boom. She stopped to turn around and find her evil, menacing father chasing after her with a death sentence. An enormous gust of wind blew up upon the little island as Annabelle’s long, golden locks of hair pushed their way threw the air, as if trying to escape the danger themselves. Her father’s Weezing came crashing down the hill, pushing against the strong winds as it caught up with Annabelle and her father. Dark blue rain shot down from the sky as it felt like it was piercing the skin multiple times.

Annabelle’s dark, horrible father stopped about twenty-three feet away from her on the yellow and brown, sandy beach as he said in a evil, menacing way,

“Come here and come back, I won’t yell, come to your father, Jack, my sweet, Annabelle.” The gorgeous, beautiful woman stood there in complete horror as the whole sky was now a dark gray, blue, and black as more lightning struck every few seconds accompanied by earsplitting, obstreperous roar of the clouds. The Horsea cried out and shoved its little, blue head toward the shore, where giant waves crashed down on. The majestic, young woman looked back at her father and refused to meet his demands and come back to him. She shook her head as her hair bushed against her face in the wind as she quickly spun around and dashed toward the shore.

She dove in the ocean with one hand out and in a shape of a knife to let her in the water safely as the other hand cupped safety for the small Horsea. Her golden, yellow locks of hair floated in the water as she opened her dazzling blue eyes underwater. At first the salt water stung her eyes, but she quickly got out of it as she let go of the Horsea. The miniscule, blue seahorse Pokemon swam gracefully and pointed up with its long, elliptical snout. The alluring, youthful woman swam upward in her elegant, white, pearl dress as she reached the surface. The waves carried her up, and down as the angered, dark man pouted in his lose of her daughter. He stomped on the ground in a temper tantrum and then pointed out at his stunning, lovely daughter as if calling her out. He shouted loudly so both him and her could hear,

“Weezing, shoot down my daughter with Shadow Ball! Your mother was in this same position, if I do recall!” The giant, two-headed, poisonous Pokemon stored energy in a little purple and black ball as in enlarged. It got almost as big as the biggest head on the Weezing as it tossed it hard at the enchanting, young woman. She quickly turned toward the little, floating Horsea as she said,

“We’re in a battle in may seam, so can you defend with Bubblebeam?” The diminutive, blue seahorse Pokemon’s eyebrows pointed down as it nodded its head, ready for battle. The small Horsea turned and bombardmented the giant ball of purple and black energy in an explosion of purple, blue, green, and yellow sparkles. People from their houses could see the battle as they called for the police to show up and stop the terrible man from attacking his only daughter. Annabelle had a more vengeful look on her face than fearful as she commanded,

“Let’s make this interesting dear, make it a little fair with Leer!” The petit, blue Horsea glared at the giant, purple monster Pokemon with gleaming, direful, red eyes as the Weezing was scared stifles.

“This battle is going to get much worse, right after my, Weezing, uses Curse!” Jack demanded as his Weezing started to scintillate with red and yellow flashes, raising the attack and defense, but making it heavy and slow. Jack smirked at his wonderful daughter as he decreed Weezing,

“I wish I could’ve used this on your mom, but we’ll use it on you, a Sludge Bomb!” His enormous, purple, poisonous Weezing threw up a giant, purple wad of sludge as it landed right on top of the dwarfish Horsea. More lightning flashed every so brightly as more and more thunder boomed in their ears. The Horsea cried out as in was taken underwater by the force of the strong attack and the power of the crashing waves. The sweet and lovely Annabelle cried out to Horsea,

“Oh why does this happen to thee?! Alright you alright you generous, Horsea?!” People started to come out of their houses now as some policemen appeared on the horizon on top of the tall hill. The wind was harsh and forced the raindrops down on the people. It was hard to tell, but Annabelle was crying because she had thought she had lost her only friend.

After a few seconds of being plunged under the water, the small Horsea popped out of the water as it was bruised on the top of its head. Annabelle cried out and hugged the Horsea as if it was the first, and last time they would ever meet. She let go of the small, blue, seahorse Pokemon and smirked as she commanded,

“Alright, it is now time for us to shine, show him what you’re made of with Brine!” The tiny Horsea sprayed large amounts of water as it barraged the two-headed, purple Weezing with great force. The Weezing blanked out and fell to the ground with a thud as policemen took the lovely Annabelle’s father, Jack, into custody as he furiously tried to escape by flinging his arms and legs into the air. They dragged him and his evil Pokemon away as the wind stopped, the rain lighted up, and the sun started to peek out of the clouds again. The waves stopped coming in giant, monstrous walls and came in little lumps in the ocean surface. The gorgeous, majestic, slim, young Annabelle, in her elegant, white, pearl dress and long, golden locks of hair turned toward the small, kind, blue Horsea and asked,

“Will you be my very first friend? For I will always have my hand to lend, where ever you may go, I will always be there, and what ever you might do, I will always care. I will always be kind, even if you do not mind and I will never get mad, angry, or yell, so will you belong to sweet, Annabelle?”

Phantom Kat
04-16-2008, 03:12 AM
I procrastinate a lot, haven't your notice? xP

Plot: Annabelle takes the form of an ugly hag so she can spy on the wrongdoings of people by giving up her voice and beauty. One day, she stands outside the window of her evil father and when he sees her, goes out and chases her, eventually following her into her garden. Once she shows him she is his daughter and tells him how se hates him, he goes out. When Annabelle, with the Horsea she met the day before, goes out into the city, still in her elegant form, she is chases to the beach by her father. There, they have battle in where Horsea comes out victorious. Afterwards, Annabelle asks Horsea if he will be her friend.

I really liked this plot, maybe because it vaguely reminded me of the Little Mermaid. The whole story seemed as though it was placed in medieval times with how she sacrificed her beauty and voice and the style of the dialogue. Now that I think about it, it’s like the modern “Romeo and Juliet” movie where it’s set in modern times but they still use Shakespeare’s original dialogue. Overall, it was really nice and certainly a pass. It was refreshing to read something other than a trainer battling with his Pokemon.

Introduction: It opens up with Annabelle, beautiful yet distraught, looking at a picture a woman identical to her (the mother, maybe?)

Like in your last story, you opened up fantastically. It was all very vivid and I could see everything very clearly. Unlike your last story, you describe the character in a way that flowed well with the story. From Annabelle’s hair to her eyes to her body, I got it all without choking on the information. xD Major improvement right there and the result just turned out awesome. Really, there’s nothing to critique here, the introduction really drew me in and made me read the rest of the story.

Grammar/Spelling: This area was your weakest, I’m afraid. It wasn’t bad but it was just shaky compared to the rest of the story. Sometimes you used the wrong word (homophones at most times) and the rest of the times, your sentences were worded kind off awkwardly.

As she got closer to the wall as the crack now looked big enough for anyone to walk threw.

You made this mistake throughout your whole story. “Threw” is when someone throws something into the air like a ball or a rock. What you are looking for is “through” which means something going in between something else. For example:

“Staring at the fainted Eevee, Mark threw the Poke Ball at it.”

“With horror-filled eyes, the frightened Growlithe ran through the bushes that blocked his path.”

The old, sluggish, wrinkled woman crept down a dark, cold ally.

Like above, you got confused with homophones. “Ally” is a person who is in alliance with someone. You are looking for “alley” which means those dark corners in New York. XD

“He was an ally in this war and a valuable one at that.”

“The Meowth scurried into the alley with the piece of fish he had stolen.”

He got up and threw his chair down to the ground as he dashed toward the side door of his house as the old woman realized he was coming after her.

Sometimes, the sentences got a bit confusing because you added a lot of actions into one. For example, here, you could split this sentence into two. End the first sentence after “ground” and the next one could be: “He dashed towards the side of his house as the old woman realized he was coming after her.”

I just suggest reading over your story aloud to pick up sentences that sound weird or too drawn out. It’s a lot better than just reading silently to yourself.

A tick was heard every couple of seconds as a wooden cane hit the stone road as a vile, ill-favored, hunch backed woman walked a long the streets.

Those two should be together because “along” is the word you are looking for.

She used her cane to make her go further as she dashed back toward the other ally where the crake in the wall was.

There were a lot of typos such as this one as I read. Read over your story more because at the moment, you have a good amount of mistakes here and there. Take it slower and read more carefully.

She heard the heavy trotting footsteps her father was making as he was fallowing her down to the sandy shore of the beach.

Well I be damned, I didn’t know there was such a word as “fallow” so kudos for teaching me something new. “Fallowing” has to do with gardening in plowing but you are looking for “following” as in to track someone.

Length: No problems here, right in the middle. =)

Descsription/Detail: Wow wow wow and more wow. I was just so surprised at how much you’ve improved, I seriously was. This is a thousands times better than the description in your last story, it doesn’t even seem as you wrote it. It made me so happy to see that you actually followed the advice I gave you. ^^

Like in the introduction, I could see everything clearly. The characters, the surroundings, the Pokemon. You really took your time to describe not just one little area of the scene like the characters but you extended it to everything around them. I love the adjectives you used and I actually had to stop reading ask what a certain word meant in your description (I’ve done that with Bryce’s stories xP).

Just one little thing: Don’t try to add too many adjectives as once character is doing something. What I mean is:

The gorgeous, majestic, slim, young Annabelle, in her elegant, white, pearl dress and long, golden locks of hair turned toward the small, kind, blue Horsea and asked,

It’s just, too much description at once, you know? After you do it throughout the story, it sort of makes it tedious to read. Cut it down to two at the most it will sound much better. Remember, you already described Annabelle wonderfully in the introduction, we’ll have a pretty good picture of what she looks like so you don’t need all of these adjectives every two sentences. A simple: “The slim Annabelle” or “The red-faced Jack” will be good enough.

Battle: This was good, way better than in your last story, but not as good as hoped, to be honest. It seemed kind of short (maybe it’s just because I love to make my battles as long as possible) but I think it’s because not enough “action” was happening in between attacks. Just try to add more “action” in between each attack. Maybe the pained expression of the Pokemon that was hit or how the Pokemon tried to dodge. Remember, you can add expressions, the actions of the attack was it was being launched, and how the Pokemon prepared to launch the attack. Just slow down to describe more of what’s happening in your battles and they should be better in no time. =)

Outcome: Despite some grammar issues like typos and awkward sentences, this story was really awesome from the plot to the description, not to mention the drastic change from this story to your last one. So I have no problem in saying: Horsea captured! Just really pay attention to your grammar, don’t use so many adjectives as once, and flesh out your battle. I can’t wait for your next story and have fun with the cute little Horsea! ^^

- Kat

Zombie Muse
04-16-2008, 03:32 AM
I procrastinate a lot, haven't your notice? xP

I don't think you did, you said tomarow night, and I just got home from Musical practice, so it was perfect timing, so huzza for procrastination, :D! But I though of the secret garden off of the musicle I'm doing called "Secret Garden" :P, and I hated the 1960 version of Romeo and Juliet (no offence, I like the complement, just sharing my thought) I just thought some of the actors were retarted crack heads :P, but as a movie I love it, so thanks :3.

It’s just, too much description at once, you know?

I laughed at this because I found this a little ironic, I had too little before, but now a little too much, lol!

Battle: This was good, way better than in your last story, but not as good as hoped, to be honest. It seemed kind of short

The only reason why it was short was because after the introduction I decided that EVERYTHING everyone spoke had to rhym so I could make it intersting. Obviously I wasn't thinking about how the battle at the time, and that was a real challenge for me, or else I would've had her dive underwater and swim threw the shallow part of the shore next to sharp jagged rocks and his Weezing shot out sludge at her, ect.

When I talk I have exeptional grammer(with a little studder, but a cute studder the kind when it happens you go "awww" xP), but typing grammer is another factor and during writting assesments, I've never gotten over a three (four being the highest), but all in all thank you so much! I shan't be dissapionted on my next story ;D!

Phantom Kat
04-16-2008, 03:46 AM
I don't think you did, you said tomarow night, and I just got home from Musical practice, so it was perfect timing, so huzza for procrastination, :D! But I though of the secret garden off of the musicle I'm doing called "Secret Garden" :P, and I hated the 1960 version of Romeo and Juliet (no offence, I like the complement, just sharing my thought) I just thought some of the actors were retarted crack heads :P, but as a movie I love it, so thanks :3.

I laughed at this because I found this a little ironic, I had too little before, but now a little too much, lol!

When I talk I have exeptional grammer(with a little studder, but a cute studder the kind when it happens you go "awww" xP), but typing grammer is another factor and during writting assesments, I've never gotten over a three (four being the highest), but all in all thank you so much! I shan't be dissapionted on my next story ;D!

lol I actually liked the 1968 version of Romeo and Juliet, it was the 1996 one that made no sense and the actors I thought were weird (when we watched it English, we just laughed).

Yeah, I also tend to speak with a studder. xP I'll hold you up to that, make this little grader proud! ;p

- Kat

Zombie Muse
04-21-2008, 04:30 AM
Chapter 2: La Sorciere Beau
Part 1: The Beautiful Witch

Dark, dim clouds brushed out of the way of the full, white moon as it glowed in glory and might. A slight breeze ruffled the trees and fields of grass as a little wooden cottage lay on top of a small hill, basking in the moonlight. A dim light shined through the window as light, gray smoke puffed up and into the dark sky, out of the red and brown stone chimney. A hum was softly heard throughout the darkened night. An ominous chill came over the field as words were now heard from inside the creepy, wooden cottage.

“Three o’clock, right on time. Witching hour has started and I am just about done with this potion. I am very lucky to have a beautiful young lass give up her beauty and song. What a fool she was giving up two of life’s most glorious gifts! But no, she gave them to the Gods, right as I was about to ask them for it. I hope she’s happy with the ugly face and voice she is about to receive, how terrible the villagers must be with that… that monster running about in the streets! But I get to be flawless with beauty and strife, no more people starring at me because I’m ugly, no more guards telling me I can’t go into places because I’m horrific, no more Pokemon running away because my voice is scratchy, raspy, dull, and maybe a little bit nasally, but still not any excuse to be excluded from others!

I shall get my revenge on the man who sent me away because of how I looked, Prince Albert! Oh he gets to be all tough and mighty because he came from the right gene pool; well I shall make him wish he was never born! That insolent fool will fall in love with a fair maiden whose looks with stop, any man, anywhere just so he can take a glance, or whose voice can cure even the most deathly ill children, or whose eyes can mesmerize anybody into doing anything, but then to find out it was the old, haggish, ugly women he threw out of his kingdom just so he doesn’t have to look at her! He will be so heart broken, it will kill him!”

An old, wrinkled, cackling woman stood over a charcoaled black pot as flames shot out underneath as the wood crumbled. She stirred with a splintered, wooden spoon as the green, slimy, boiling liquid simmered and bubbled. She plucked one of her thin, gray hairs and threw it into the pot as a sudden puff of green smog jumped up and vanished in the air. The woman’s black, hooded cloak covered her eyes along with the rest of her body, but she still was able to see that the potion was ready to drink. Her long, big nose stuck out of her face like a beak, but with one giant wart with a few hairs sticking out on the left nostril. She grabbed a small, empty veil with her long, skinny, boney hands and scooped up the slimy, green liquid into the bottle. She let go of the wooden spoon as she turned around in the small cottage and toward an open window, facing the full, bright moon. Her kitchen was a mess with cups, jars, spoons, books, and more lying around on the countertops, only seen by the moonlight as it poured into the cottage through the window. The ancient, haggish woman walked into the moonlight as she held the veil of the green potion up into the light as she smiled with evil slithering in and out of her teeth.

She held it higher as if toasting it, but she didn’t say a word and drank it fast and quick. She dropped the empty veil as it shattered on the ground. Her eyes got big and fell to her knees as if she were dying. The moonlight got brighter and brighter as a white smokescreen covered the ugly, old woman and lifted her up into the air as it glowed brightly, so bright that the people in the kingdom thought that it was a bright star, shining luminously off in the distance, but what they didn’t know was that it could be the end of their precious little kingdom.

The light stopped shining as it transformed the grotesque, geriatric, horrid woman was now a young, smoothed skin, elegant woman. Her long, black, silky hair reached down to her small hips. Her long, white and pearl dress ran down her legs, hugging them with comfort and joy. Her blue, sapphire eyes glistened in the moonlight as her eyeliner stretched outward like an Egyptian goddess, even her dark skin tone was the right color. Her smiled was beautiful, but wicked. She opened her mouth and sang out into the pasture as it soothed the air of the ominous feeling. She peered out into the kingdom and smirked as she was now ready to get her revenge.

Zombie Muse
04-26-2008, 04:23 PM
Chapter 2: La Sorciere Beau
Part 2: Revenge is Sweet with Time

The golden sun was hidden behind the gloomy, enigmatic clouds with evil about. The wind was silent as a slight, dim fog overpasses the grass with misery and woe. The dazzling, elegant, tall woman walked threw the misty, dark woods as her cape went from her shoulders to the ground, and part of it was connected to two gold rings, each one on her middle fingers. She walked gracefully as her long, black dress waved in the motion of her legs. Her fingers tapped each other in front of her as her uncanny smile as she was plotting her revenge. The mumbled underneath her breath words of hate as she thought aloud,

“I shall say I am a princess that got lost in the woods, end up at the palace and he will fall in love for me. That’s good- no wait! I know, I will ‘accidentally’ bump into him the next time I see him, it will be love at first sight. Or I can give him the lovely eye and check him out as falls for me. I like that one, it makes since that he would- wait! The best thing would be if I looked as if I were in poverty and was starving, I would have to wear ugly clothes again, but it wouldn’t matter, in this body I will always look good.

I will act as if I were lonely and was asking the prince if he would help me, I will look so innocent that he will have to take me in and get to know the new me and fall in love second by second as we end up making marriage arrangements. This is so great I could just burst it joy of how perfect this will be. It will also make a great story for little children for when they judge people by how they look. Be nice, or they will become a wonderful person full of hate and vengeance for you, and make you die of a terrible case of broken heart.”

The wicked, but beautiful, young woman plotted out her scheme as she did not realize that she was just about lost in the woods. She stopped walking and thinking at the same time and started to focus on where she was. She started to panic and ran in one direction. She ran very fast, but did not get anywhere. She ended up in the same exact place she had started, but she had not turned while running. She thought for a moment and realized that someone had put a spell on her as she walked into the woods, and she is trapped there until she breaks the curse. She peered over at a bush with a small yellow, clay figure sticking out with a purple and red design on it. It looked like a children’s toy from her view, but when she got closer she saw what it was.

A small, toy Pokemon rustled in the bush as it tried to cry out, but it stopped in pain. The evil, majestic woman kneeled down and put her hand on the Pokemon and sang aloud at it as the woods got calmer. The little Baltoy stood up slowly with the help of the gorgeous woman. She brushed off some dirt that was on the beaten-up Pokemon as she reached into the bush were it was lying in and grabbed some small, oval shaped, blue berries. She held it out to the small Baltoy as she stopped singing a wonderful melody as she said,

“Here, take this. It will make you feel a whole lot better than you probably do right now.” She smiled with comfort instead of hate, which was unlike her, but she sat there as the small, toy Pokemon ate the little rounded berries.

“Do you know how to get out of these infatuated woods and back to the kingdom?” The elegant, youthful woman asked. The Baltoy finished eating the berries and stood up on its own and gave out a small yelp of glee saying it does know. The small Baltoy started to spin slowly as it went forward and out of the deep, foggy forest. The young, grand, lovely woman stood up and fallowed with grace. She fallowed the small Baltoy as it gave out a little hum from it using it psychokinetic powers to lead the way out.

The wicked, young woman looked around and realized that she knew where she was. She smiled with hope and despair as they walked out of the tall, dark forest and into a mellow, green field. They Baltoy stopped spinning as the envious, majestic woman said,

“Oh thank you, Baltoy. If it weren’t for you, I’d be stuck in the forest for good! I wish I could repay you somehow, if there was anything I could do-“ The beautiful, lovely woman was cut off as a Murkrow swooped down at the woman and jabbed her with its beak as it flew off. The wicked, lovely woman was astonished as the small, toy Pokemon gave out a little cry from being startled.

The dark, crow Pokemon circled around and came back fast. The Baltoy spun very quickly and ran at the Murkrow as it hit it dead on. The Murkrow was knocked back as it fell to the ground, but quickly flapped its wings and got its balance back. The gorgeous woman looked at the Baltoy and smiled as she said,

“You stood up for me. Thank you very much, Baltoy, I will never forget this.” The dark Murkrow’s eyes started to glow a bright, luminous red as it shot out red lightning from its eyes and consumed the Baltoy as it cried out in pain.

“Use Rapid Spin to get out of the Night Shade!” The lovely woman demanded as the Baltoy spun quickly around. The Night Shade broke as the woman smiled and said,

“Use Ancient Power to knock it out of the sky!” The small, toy Pokemon agreed as it lifted rocks with its mind and threw them at the dark, crow Pokemon. The Murkrow was hit as it fell to the ground under the weight of the rocks.

“Finish it with a Rock Tomb attack!” The elegant woman yelled as the Baltoy nodded and lifted heavier rocks around it and threw it at the damaged Murkrow on the ground. The dark, crow Pokemon stood up fast and disappeared as the rocks slammed into the ground with a thud. The Murkrow reappeared next to the Baltoy as it slashed across Balatoy’s body with a stunning Faint Attack. The Murkrow turned around and let out a chilling Haze as it covered up the grassy field. It was very hard to see anything, but the majestic woman still called out to the Baltoy as she said,

“Use your Rapid Spin attack to clear the fog, Baltoy!” The small, toy Pokemon spun fast around and around as the haze was starting to blow away. Just as Baltoy was about to stop, and before the haze fully clear the wicked, lovely woman say the dark, crow Pokemon swoop down and hit Baltoy again with another Faint Attack.

“Okay, Baltoy, one last time with Rock Tomb!” The woman called out as the Baltoy lifted heavy rocks and threw them at the Murkrow. The rocks came so fast that the Murkrow had no time to dodge it this time. The rocks smothered the Murkrow and covered it up on the ground. The haze finally disappeared as the clouds above still floated with a gray cover. The field was calm now with the attacks stopping and the lovely, wicked woman kneeled down to the small Baltoy and said,

“You were wonderful, and you are very useful. I would think of it to be and honor if you would come with me on my quest to get rid of the… bad things in the kingdom, will you join me?”

Ready to be Graded
Pokemon: Baltoy
Characters: 11,507

Phantom Kat
05-01-2008, 02:04 AM
I'm SO sorry for taking so long, sister came to visit, project rush, etc, etc. >.>;; I hope this grade makes up for it.

Plot: So a hag is angry at a kingdom that had thrown her out just because they did not want to look at her again. Planning to make the prince pay by making him fall in love with her, she drinks a potion that makes her beautiful and irresistible. She walks through the forest, but she is too busy plotting her mayhem that she gets lost due to someone putting a spell on her. She meets a Baltoy who helps her out of the forest, but they are later attacked by a Murkrow. After a heated battle, Murkrow is defeated, and she asks Baltoy if he would come with her.

It was a nice plot, sort of funny as to how the hag was plotting so much that she got lost. I also like how it was loosely based off the last story you did, but at the same time, it was a story all in itself with a whole new character with a her new set of problems. Overall, pretty nice plot, but of course, it be better if you would have elaborated more on how she was involved with the beauty, how exactly she was thrown out. Despite that, it’s perfect for the Medium Pokemon.

Oh, and, what was her name? D=

Intro: The intro really got me hooked. It was chockfull of description while still telling us the intentions of the main character. It had everything an introduction should have, a great start to the story. What you can include, though, is more of the outside surroundings. Where was her house situated, what time period was it, what year was it? Was this years after Annabelle confronted her father or did it happen at the same time? Though it may not seem so important, small details like these makes the story more realistic and, since this is a continuation of a story, more connected to the past story.

Grammar/Spelling: Spelling was alright, but your grammar was still iffy. I’m happy to notice, though, that you have a lot less typos than last time so kudos on that. ^^

The dark Murkrow’s eyes started to glow a bright, luminous red as it shot out red lightning from its eyes and consumed the Baltoy as it cried out in pain.

I sometimes encountered run-ons in your story. Here, you can split this up into three senteces (or less, depending on you want them). The first sentence should after “eyes”. The next sentence can be:

“It consumed the Baltoy which made it cry out in pain.”

In my opinion, the two “as” seem awkwardly placed, especially at the last part. For the Baltoy bit, something like, “…which made it cry out in pain.” sounds better.

She fallowed the small Baltoy as it gave out a little hum from it using it psychokinetic powers to lead the way out.

I’ve already pointed this out. D= It’s “follow”, with an ‘o’. “Fallowed” has to do with gardening even though it’s spelled almost exactly the same.

Other than that, some sentences were just awkwardly worded, especially when you used the word “as”. Read the story aloud and ask yourself if the sentence sounds right or not.

Length: This is good, nice job, Remember, though, you always want to aim for the middle. ;)

Description/Detail: This was again very vivid. The potion, the woman, the actions, it was described very accurately. While you got the actions and characters described to the tee, the surroundings themselves were lacking in comparison. They surroundings were described well but not as good as compared to the characters. Even though you described the mess in the house, how exactly as the house? Even though you described the woods as foggy, how ere the plants and bushes under this mysterious shroud. You just need to take it up a notch, get it up to date with the characters and actions; we want the description balanced between sections.

And I already pointed this out but I feel like I should do so, again. When the person is up to make the action, you overdue it with the adjectives. Really, “the woman”, “the ugly hag”, and stuff like that is enough for one instance. If you want to describe her more than just in one or two adjectives, do it in another sentence with another action, not all at once. Like I said, it just makes it tedious to read after a while; it makes it seem as though you’re repeating yourself.

Battle: This was good if not a tad short for me. The attacks were described but not as much as the rest of the story which made the battle as a whole sort of a letdown. The same way you describe your characters in the introduction, describe each attack. How did the rocks from the Rock Tomb look like? How did Baltoy extract them from the ground? Yes, we know what is happening but we want to see it better. Take your time in describing the battle, the reactions and the movements the Pokemon do. This will lengthen the battle, it will make it more exciting than rushed. Don’t let your battles be a letdown, make them as great as the rest of your story! Remember, it’s the end of the story, don’t you want to end it in a good note?

Battle: Despite some grammar mistakes and the iffy battle, this story is great. So, Baltoy captured! Check over your grammar, especially those run-ons. Spice up your battles, make them as visual as your intros. Other than that, have fun with the toy! ^^

- Kat

Zombie Muse
05-01-2008, 02:20 AM
I'm SO sorry for taking so long, sister came to visit, project rush, etc, etc. >.>;; I hope this grade makes up for it.
Oh no, that's okay, sounds like fun, ;D! I'd be a little annoyed if you weren't having fun D;.

Oh, and, what was her name? D=

;P It's a secret ;x.

Baltoy captured!

Huzza! And I will say compaired to the rest of L'Orage this was NOT good. I accually dispised writing this and took me more than needed, because this was not apart of my plot, but I thought I should do two medium Pokemon, and Claydol at the time seemed cool, but now I don't want it, I am very fickle, ;P.