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View Full Version : Magikarp! (Yes, that's it...)


Brainiac
04-09-2008, 11:23 PM
Ready for Grading!

Going for: Magikarp
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Magikarp!

The boy moved quickly up the side of the mountain, panting as he struggled to keep up with the giggling old man running ahead of him. The hill was barren and rocky, the pathway narrow and the drop off the right side sheer. There was little in the way of vegetation, merely a few stubborn cacti, and the odd weed scattered here and there. Sweat trickled down the bridge of his petit nose, and his black hair glistened with the captured moisture. As he labored, he stumbled on a lose rock and nearly fell, snatching the professor’s red bags out of the air before they plummeted down into the roaring river far below.

“Professor!” he pleaded desperately. “Why do we have to move so quickly? It’s not as though all the Pokémon will leave before we can get there!” He shifted the bags so that they rested more securely against his slight frame, the red contrasting sharply with the blue of his wind breaker, which he had thrown on automatically as he left the lab.

The old man turned and looked back to answer, his white mane of unruly hair seemed unaffected by the extended travel. “Now, now my dear boy; this is a once in a lifetime opportunity! We have to hurry or the ceremony will be finished before we can get any documentation.” He immediately turned and ran the rest of the distance remaining before the trail crested the top of this particular rise.

The boy sighed wearily, once again shifting the weight of the bags before following the professor over the peak of the pathway. What he saw there froze him in his tracks. The lake, usually calm and pristine, was frothing madly with Magikarp. The small reddish fish had gathered in such large numbers that the water level had actually risen nearly ten feet since their last visit a week ago.

“Quick James, we have to capture one and get a hormone count!” The old man cried in anguish, wringing the life out of his stale brown shirtsleeves as he stared longingly at the boiling mass of Pokémon.

“I- I- … All right, I understand professor.” was his reluctant reply as he reached into the pocket of his windbreaker, and pulled out a pokeball. He tossed it towards the edge of the lake, and waited nervously as the light materialized into a solid shape.

Standing near the edge of the lake was a small, green dog-like creature, with a large, slightly darker bulb on its back. It stood on all four of its short legs, and turned obediently to look at James, before making a sound.

“Bulbasaur! Saur-bulb bulba!” it said questioningly, glancing at the mass of Magikarp in mock dismissal.

“Caulder! Use your vine whip to snatch one of those Magikarp from the lake!” James urged, moving a little closer to the shore himself.

Caulder happily obliged, reaching into the water and easily dragging one onto the shore, so that he stood between the water and the angrily struggling fish.

“Now, use stun-spore Caulder! Stop that Magikarp in its tracks!”

A concentrated miasma of particles moved through the air towards the Magikarp, who was struggling to reorient itself back towards the water. The spores settled onto the pokemon, but it appeared to have no visible effect!

“Amazing!” crowed the professor excitedly. “It appears as though Magikarp’s immune system has been accelerated quickly enough that it was able to nullify the effects of your attack! Simply incredible!”

“Great, just great!” James complained. “Caulder, use a Razor Leaf attack!”

The bulbasaur launched several hard edged leaves towards the Magikarp, each one striking with a resounding clap! Rather than look exhausted however, the pokemon looked angry.

It leapt up into the air impressively, homing into its confident opponent and connecting with a loud crash of impact, the dust along the lakes edge getting thrown up into the air, obscuring view.

“Caulder, don’t let it get to you! Use Razor Leaf again!” James called hopefully, but this time the leaves did not connect with the magikarp. They burst free from the haze of dust and slammed into a nearby tree, making a loose branch clatter noisily to the ground.

Again the Magikarp leapt high into the air, coming back into visible space before plunging downwards into the dust.

“Lookout!” James called anxiously, flinching at the sound of another solid hit. “It’s alright Caulder! You can still get him! First, clear that dust out of there! Use your vines as a fan to blow the dust away!” Immediately, the air began to clear, and a few seconds later, the two pokemon were revealed, standing close to each other and glaring angrily.

“Now Caulder, use your Mega Drain attack!” Obediently the pokemon launched itself towards it’s opponent, latching on and sucking the energy from it. The Magikarp gave a feeble flop, trying to back away before halting, breathing heavily, clearly worn out. James hastily reached into one of the discarded bags, pulling out a pokeball that he threw towards the motionless Magikarp. The pokemon disappeared in a flash of light, leaving behind only the shaking ball, rocking back and forth.

Both James and the professor waited with baited breath, staring as the ball continued it’s see-saw motion when finally….

:To be Graded

Pokemon493
04-09-2008, 11:27 PM
wOw, that was really good:smile: *Applause* Very detailed.

That is def. on my top favorite Stories.

Phantom Kat
04-09-2008, 11:48 PM
wOw, that was really good:smile: *Applause* Very detailed.

That is def. on my top favorite Stories.

Sorry but only the author and graders can post in other people's URPG stories. If you want to send them feedback, you can PM them. ^^;

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Uggh, short grade but hey, the story was pretty short and the writing skills are pretty great. xP

Plot: So James and his professor (lol, what was his name?) have reached the top of the mountain where some kind of ceremony of Magikarp is going on. After a battle with Caludrel the Bulbasaur, a Magikarp is defeated.

This was pretty darn good for the floppy fish. The plot was interesting and you could certainly go a harder Pokemon if you extend it. I would have liked to know more of the ceremony because it sounded like it made these Magikarp stronger than normal and how two humans knew about it. Aside from that, the plot is perfect for this Pokemon so good job here.

Introduction: This was also pretty good. You described the characters and the surroundings pretty well and in a manner that was smooth and that did not disrupt the flow of the story. I also immediately got a sense of the story and the personality of the characters. This section is really good and all I suggest is to add a bit more description to the surroundings like the sky, the time of day, etc. Don’t just describe their current place but everything around them.

Grammar/Spelling: This was also good but I saw some mistakes here and there.

“Quick James, we have to capture one and get a hormone count!”

Whenever one character addressed another character, a comma is needed before the name of the character that is being addressed. So here, a comma is needed before “James”.

“Now Caulder, use your Mega Drain attack!” Obediently the pokemon launched itself towards it’s opponent

It should be “its”, without the apostrophe. With “its”, you are saying the “it” is possessing something while with “it’s”, you are merely saying “it is”.

James called hopefully, but this time the leaves did not connect with the magikarp.

Sometimes you capitalized Pokemon attacks and names and sometimes you didn’t. Keep it consistent and capitalized everything Pokemon related.

Length: This is awesome, keep it up. =3

Descirption/Detail: This was best area. I could see practically everything that was going on from the characters from their actions. Like in the introduction, all the description flowed smoothly and didn’t seem as though you just threw in information. What I can see you improving is the surroundings. Even though I saw the characters and Pokemon fairly well, I didn’t really see what was around them after they saw the Magikarp. Just as you describe the characters, describe the surroundings from the plants to the sky to the lake. Use color, smells, touch, anything you can think of to truly bring out the environment.

Battle: Wow, I was surprised at this, Magikarp put up on heck of a fight. XD I like the use of variety attacks and how Magikarp just seemed hold on to the very end. The attacks could have been better described, though with colors and sounds and everything in between. At the moment, I can see what’s happening but adding to the description of the attacks can really make the battle pop and it also make it entertaining to read. Similes, metaphors, they can all be used to describe how an attack looks and/or the aftermath of an attack. It’s always best to describe the preparation of the attack, the collision, and the aftermath of an attack because it just makes the battle much more realistic and exciting.

Outcome: I have no major qualms and the things I pointed out were all minor and the tips were just to improve on you’re awesome writing skills. Without any further ado: Magikarp captured! Nice job, keep the good work and remember to elaborate on your plots, go over your grammar more than once, and describe everything in vivid description like color and sounds. Have fun with the fish! ^^

- Kat

Brainiac
04-12-2008, 02:58 PM
Yay!!! Thankee Kat, I'm so honored that you graded mah story!

And, I'm really grateful for your advice, I hope to incorporate it in future stories.

Last note: Someday, if I feel like it, something more may come out of this, maybe... but for now, I'm just going to let it lie.