04-11-2008, 01:48 AM
Ready for grade
Going for: Sandshrew
Rank: Simple 5k-10k characters
number of characters: 5189
Chapter 1: An Inside Job
The precinct was a hive of activity. Everywhere were cops going about various tasks: booking criminals, taking statements, making coffee. But I couldn't care less about all that, all I cared about was getting the report under my arm to its destination. I walked down the the hall and opened the door at the end.
I entered a cluttered office. There were papers stacked everywhere, behind one rather high stack was a man in a blue uniform. His line of work had not aged him gracefully. His gut was the size of a Munchlex, his face was wrinkled and worn, and what little hair he had left had long since gone gray.
“Sarge, I think you might want to go over this.” I said, handing him the manila envelope. He looked at me and took it from my hand, immediately starting to read. I sat down in a chair across from him.
“Jack, I don't like this.” The Sargent said after a few minutes.
“But you know we need the intel, and that I'm the only one for the job.” I said confidently. I leaned back in the large chair. I was a young, but I was confident that the Sargent would let me go through with the op. I arched my fingers in my short brown hair and waited for him to respond.
“Jack, you've put me in an extremely awkward position. You're right, you are the the only one in the precinct that can pull this off, but...”
“My mother doesn't get a say, I'm eighteen and you have rank.” I snapped. The older man stared back at me. After a moment he sighed and put his fingers on the bridge of his nose.
“Fine. You have clearance, go to Kyle, he should be able to fit you with a wire.” I stood up and started for the door.
“Jenny's going to kill me...” I heard the Sargent say as I walked out the door.
04-15-2008, 04:40 PM
Chapter 2: A Cop, a Shinx, and a Mountain
I knelt on the floor, packing everything I'd need for my trip to Mount Chimney. Laying on my bed was my faithful Shinx, Benny.
"Jack Milton! What do you think you're doing?" My mother, Officer Jenny, yelled at me. I continued packing my bag.
"I take it you talked to the sergeant. Benny, could you get those red socks out of the closet for me?" The Shinx immediately started digging through the clutter.
"I did, and you're off the case." She fumed. I turned and looked at her.
"Mom, did you even read my report? Team Magma's planning something big and the police have no idea what it is!"
"It doesn't matter, I'm not going to let you put your life in danger! Let someone else go in."
"Mom, I'm doing this whether it's sanctioned or not. They offered me a position and I'm using that to my advantage." Benny walked over with the socks in his mouth.
"Thanks, Benny," I said, placing them in my bag. "I have to do this, last time I checked you were feeling frustrated from the lack of information as to why they wanted that rock."
"I don't like this at all." Mom said. I stood up and hugged her.
"I'll be fine. You know most kids leave home at ten." I said with a smirk. She took in a deep breath, then exhaled.
"Alright," she looked me square in the eye. "But if you do anything stupid, I'll kill you myself."
"Noted," I said, still smiling. I picked up my bag and slung it over my shoulder. "Bye mom! I'll keep in touch, I promise!" I said as I ran out the door with Benny right behind.
With Benny by my side I walked down the ash covered route that lead from my hometown of Fallarbor to Mount Chimney. Both Benny and I had cloths over our faces to prevent ash from getting into our lungs.
"Shi" Benny said, his voice muffled by the cloth. I looked towards the tall grass where he was staring. At first I didn't notice anything, but then I saw movement.
"Benny! Use discharge!" I ordered, even though my voice was muffled Benny understood. A bolt of electricity shot out into the grass. The pokemon poked its head up over the top of the grass, it was a Sandshrew! Not only that, but it was green! Sandshrew was a ground type, which meant I would have to change tactics.
"Benny, use Crunch!" Benny ran forward and leapt at the Sandshrew, teeth bared. Sandshrew quickly grabbed a clump of ash and threw it at Benny's eyes. Sand attack!
"Benny, go for another Crunch." Benny ran towards Sandshrew. This time he waited until Sandshrew tried to run away. He leapt right on top of it and bit down hard on it's neck.
"Benny, keep a grip on it!" Benny held on tight as Sandshrew tried to shake him off. With every shake Benny had a harder time holding on, but Sandshrew was loosing energy much faster.
Sandshrew managed to shake Benny off and he went flying into a large boulder. I ran over to see if he was okay, but before I was even halfway there he was already back on his feet and running back towards Sandshrew.
Sandshrew was fast, but benny was faster. I was barely able to keep up. Eventually I saw them run into a cave. I lost site of them, but kept running straight forward. Eventually I caught sight of them again.
They were by a glowing magma pit, and it seemed that Benny had managed to knock out Sandshrew. I threw a Poke Ball at it, it started to wiggle. That's the moment when I realized that Benny looked scared.
"What's wrong buddy?" I followed his gaze and saw two large, four legged, red and grey Pokemon hanging from the top of the cavern.
"Run!" I yelled.
Ready for grade!
04-23-2008, 12:14 AM
I've got this. Expect a grade a bit later tonight.
EDIT: Here's the grade.
Introduction: You start things off interesting; a person walking through a police station, and going to talk to someone about getting sent out on a job. A nice way to start it off, you hooked me quickly. I couldn't help but wonder 'Huh? What's he going to be doing?' However, you were lacking in some other places. You only gave a very brief description of your surroundings, and hardly mentioned what anything looked like at all. In the future, be sure to paint a picture of the setting for your readers, but make it correspond with the feel you want the place to have as well. Here, even just throwing in a comment about white or gray walls, fairly boring but still necessary, would have been nice.
Usually, I would also say you should have added more background information on the character into the introduction, but in this particular story, I think keeping things back until later worked very well. The problem was, when you got to later, you didn't go into Jack's past then, either. I would suggest going into a little more detail about Jack's past around the time when he's packing in his room, talking to his mom. Go into what his life was like up until now, how he felt about his mom being a police officer, what happened to his dad, and anything else relavent. And, while mentioning Benny, you could put in how the two met and became close, and how exactly a Shinx ended up in the Hoenn region.
Plot: This was probably my favorite part about your story, honestly. You've laid groundwork here for what could be a great story, and I think, with a bit of effort, you could certainly pull it off. A teenager infiltrating an evil team honestly isn't something I've seen much. I like that you have a bit of background for Jack in the police force, with his mom being Officer Jenny (as weird as the whole 'multiple Jenny and Joy' thing is...). However, when you got to the actual finding of the Pokemon part, you reverted to the all-too-overdone 'kid finds a Pokemon' scenario. That's all fine and dandy for a Simple 'mon, true enough, but you don't want to depend upon it too much. You can do a lot more with this story in further captures, and I really recommend going beyond just what would be okay for a Simple. You can do it, I can tell from your writing. Don't be afraid to stray from just landing a capture and going into something much deeper.
So, at the risk of sounding contradictory, I'll say that your plot is excellent for a first story, but I'd like to see more done with it.
Grammar: You did very nicely on this. There were some typos towards the end, but overall, as far as I could see, not much to report here, which I like. I really hate going through and quoting all the mistakes... xP
His gut was the size of a Munchlex, his face was wrinkled and worn, and what little hair he had left had long since gone gray.
I do believe it should be spelled 'Munchlax'.
I was a young, but I was confident that the Sargent would let me go through with the op.
'A' should be taken out, and as for 'op', well, I suggest cutting down on the police slang a bit. I got it, but it can easily confuse readers. Some while talking is fine, but during the inner dialogue, it'll work out better for everone if you just write 'operation'.
"I have to do this, last time I checked you were feeling frustrated from the lack of information as to why they wanted that rock."
Because these are two complete thoughts, that comma should be a period. As a result, the L on 'last' should be capitalized as well.
When using 'mom' (or any family name like 'dad' or 'grandma'), if it is used in place or along with the name (like Grandma Sophie), it is capitalized. When used possessively (like 'my mom' or 'your dad'), it's lower case.
You need a comma after 'shi'.
All attack and Pokemon names should be capitalized.
The pokemon poked its head up over the top of the grass, it was a Sandshrew!
The same rule goes for the word 'Pokemon'.
Because 'attack' is part of the attack's name, it's capitalized as well.
He leapt right on top of it and bit down hard on it's neck.
You only use an apostrophe on 'its' if it's a contraction.
Sandshrew was fast, but benny was faster.
The B on 'Benny' needs to be capitalized, but I think it was a typo.
Also, be sure to check over your story for typos! If you have a friend or family member that likes Pokemon, asking them to read it over for mistakes is a great idea, too. Two minds are better than one, and what you miss, they may not.
Length: This is actually one of the least important parts of the grade. It can be easily influenced by working on the other aspects of your story and fleshing it out. However, it can be a good indicator as to whether or not you've put enough effort into your story. So, in the future, always shoot for the higher side of the scale, don't linger down here on the low end. The longer it is, the more work you've put into it, and the more likely you'll get that desired capture. And, graders love stories that go beyond the maximum. ^^
Detail/Description: You leave the setting really bland, and don't get much into it. You say what a thing is (ash, a magma pool, a Shinx) but you don't describe it. The best thing to do with description is imagine painting a picture with words. Try to outline every little detail of what you yourself picture in your mind. Was that magma pool bubbling ominously? Were the flakes of ash dead-looking and falling in great clumps? Is your Shinx a bit on the small side? If it helps, ask yourself questions similar to these while you write. And while describing, use as many colorful adjectives as you can. Instead of just 'the Sandshrew was green', go all out and say, 'it was a beautiful emerald shade,' or 'its hide was a dingy yellowy green, like the color of dying grass.'
Another tip to keep in mind, you should always describe Pokemon as if writing for an audience that has never even heard of Pokemon, let alone seen one. Why? Well, I like to think of it as practice mostly. You become best at describing through practice, and by giving every little detail about something even so familiar here on a Pokemon forum, you become a bit better. Plus, not every Pokemon is alike. Some might be bigger or smaller than the norm, have scars or other disfigurations, be a different color. Describing them gives them more character as well, and you can make the Pokemon fierce and intimidating or cute and cuddly though your choice of words.
Battle: Your battle was actually pretty short, and it seemed like a some of it was lost when Benny chased after the Sandshrew. This is the climax of the story, and you want to drag it out a bit, make it, well, climactic. Don't feel pressured to keep with just attacks, or to even use attacks the way they are usually meant to be (for example, hitting an opponent with a Tail Whip). These stories are like the anime, and ingenuity is welcomed with open arms.
You did well with the description here, the movements of the Pokemon were vivid, and I could easily see what they were doing. You incorporated the setting as well, which is something many newbie writers leave out. So, while it could have been longer, I was overall happy with this section.
Outcome: And now, for the long awaited verdict... Sandshrew Captured! This really was excellent for a first story, and there really wasn't a way I couldn't give you the mouse. Enjoy him, give him lots of love, 'cause he was your first in what I'm sure will be a long line of story Pokemon!
Also, if you're having trouble writing longer battles, I suggest looking at the stories of more experianced writers, like Tyranitar Trainer and PhantomKat. They usually have long and detailed battles, and they give you a better idea of what to try and write. TT especially writes very lengthy and action-packed battles.
04-23-2008, 01:50 AM
Gah! I can't believe I missed those grammar errors!:dazed:
Oh well, something to work on. Thanks. :biggrin:
Oh, and thanks for the reading suggestions!
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