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Yusuke007
04-12-2008, 03:18 AM
Story finished and ready to be graded.

A new trainer has just entered the world of pokemon. His name is Yusuke007 and lived in pallet. Yusuke is a bright kid who was excited on becoming a trainer. At the start of his journey Yusuke007 decide to start with a Snorunt as his starter pokemon. Yusuke really loved ice type pokemon so Snorunt was an obvious choice for him.

As Yusuke started his journey, him and his Snorunt had been in many battles but only managed to win one of them. There first battle was against a Macargo and was quickly defeated with its flamethrower. The second battle Snorunt got an easy win against a hippo, they were both quit happy about the win. The third battle was very similar to the first one and lost by another fire type, Qulava. Finally for its latest battle Snorunt faced off against a Gyarados and its overwhelming power knocked Snorunt out before it had a chance.

As Yusuke arrived in Viridian City he went to the nearest poke center to heal his tired Snorunt. He left his snorunt with Nurse Joy and decided to head and get some supplies form the poke mart. As Yusuke was supply up on items he heard that there was a gym in the city, Yusuke decided that when his Snorunt was healed that he would take a visit to the gym. A certain time later when Yusuke had gotten his snorunt back to went to go and check out the gym, but when he had gotten their the door was locked and thought that it wasn't that bad that the gym was closed since he was still a beginning trainer. Yusuke then headed towards viridian forest which lead to pewter city.

It was getting dark when Yusuke finally reached the entrance of viridian forest and thought it would be a good idea to spend the night there, but while he was sleeping a swarm of caterpies came out of the forest and took several belongings of Yusukes and his pokeball that held his only pokemon, snorunt. The next morning when Yusuke woke up he was frightened not to see his snorunt there and started to panic. Then he noticed a trail that lead into viridian forest and Yusuke ran into the forest to find his lost snorunt.

Running and Running into the forest Yusuke went trying to find where his lost snorunt was. As he was running he didn't notice that dozens of kakuna hanging in the trees above him. Some how Yusuke disturbed the kakuna and they hatched and evolved into Beedrill. The Beedrill started to attack Yusuke. The only thing that Yusuke could do was run as fast as he could. After what seemed hours Yusuke finally ditched the Beedrill. Then Yusuke tripped over something. He looked to see what he tripped over, it was a pokeball. Yusuke released what was in the pokeball and it turned out to be his snorunt. Yusuke was so happy to find his snorunt again. Then a weedle came crawling near him and Yusuke decided that he wanted to catch it.

Yusuke ordered his snorunt to use its hail attack. Snorunt then used its hail attack and a hail storm started. Weedle tried to use a string shot but barely missed its target. Then snorunt used its blizzard but weedle dodged and used it poison sting on snorunt. In the mean time from the hail, snorunt gained health (ability) and weedle lost some health. Weedle was going to use another poison sting but snorunt was able to use it’s protect attack and weedle wasn't able to hit snorunt. Then like before snorunt gained health and weedle lost health from the hail storm. Yusuke then ordered snorunt to use blizzard again and it hit straight on. Yusuke then threw one of his pokeball at the weedle and it hit weedle and the weedle went inside the pokeball and it started to wiggle and then...

characters
no spaces: 2919
with spaces: 3581
need: 3k-5k
category: easy

trying to catch: Weedle

Yusuke007
04-24-2008, 07:26 PM
My story is ready to be graded.

Phantom Kat
04-26-2008, 06:41 PM
I came with cookies, but I ate them all. ;p

Plot: Yusuke is a new trainer from Pallet Town and he as participated in a handful of battles with his trusty Snorunt. He goes to the Viridian Gym but finds the doors locked. Deciding that he was a new trainer anyway, he goes to Viridian Forest where, when he wakes up, he finds Snorunt gone, captured a by a pack of Caterpie. After losing some Beedrill, he finds Snorunt and then finds a Weedle. Yusuke then tries to captured the bug.

It was pretty straightforward and not very original, but this is alright since it’s your first story, and it’s for a Weedle. As you go for harder Pokemon, you need more original plots, plots that are going to make the stories fun and exciting. They’re not hard to come up if you watch movies and read books, they’ll come to you, they will certainly be better than “kid walks into forest” stories that are very overused. Remember, in URPG Stories, they can be about anything and anyone as long as the story is well written, and it makes sense. Add some plot twists into it to make exciting, make us think and wonder until the very end. Reading some other successful stories can also give you ideas.

Another thing that I need to point out is the fact that you mention the events rather than show us. For example, you only mentioned Yusuke’s hike through the forest as he searched for his Snowrunt. Instead of just telling us he had disturbed some Kakuna, show us. Did he trip and create such a ruckus? Did he shout really loudly and had woken them up? For any story, you want to show the reader what happens in the story, not just tell us what happens and move on. Take it slow and really describe what’s happening, the story isn’t going anywhere and it will make your stories a whole lot better. An example could be:

”Snorunt! Snorunt!” Yusuke shouted at the top of his lungs, hoping the Ice type could hear him. The grass crunched beneath his feet as he walked around the clearing, the light dim and grim. Cupping his hands around his mouth again, he yelled, “Come on, it’s me, Yusuke!”

The boy froze went a crack echoed in the air, a sickening sound that made his flesh crawl. Slowly looking up, he was met with many, many ruby eyes, the Kakuna glaring at him beneath angry masks. Each of them started to glow a bright white, and the trainer realized with horror that they were evolving.

Something like that. It makes the story more suspenseful and exciting, right? Go wild and have fun when describing what’s happening!

Introduction: It was alright for a Weedle. You told us where Yusuke was from, what kind of Pokemon he likes and has, and some of his experience as a trainer. However, you could have really spiced this up by doing the same thing I told you above. Don’t just tell us about him, show us. The introduction is one of the most important areas in your story and may decide whether you capture the Pokemon or not. You can open up with Yusuke in the middle of a battle, and as the battle is going on, you can tell us about him like where he is from, how old he is, etc. Open up with a bang, and there are many possibilities to start out a story. Make us read and wanting more, make the introduction as interesting as the story.

Another thing that you can add to the introduction to make is so much better is describing Yusuke. Did he have jet-black hair and stunning blue eyes? Did he wear a ripped denim jacket and worn, gray T-Shirt? If you don’t describe him, we will have no idea what he looks like; we’ll just imagine any kid we want who can completely different from the Yusuke you have in mind.

Grammar/Spelling: This was good, I didn’t see many mistakes, and the ones I did see weren’t that major.

A new trainer has just entered the world of pokemon. His name is Yusuke007 and lived in pallet.

First of all, all Pokemon related things are capitalized. This includes “Pokemon”, “Poke Ball”, “Pokemon Center” “Snorunt“, “Blizzard“, etc. Secondly, all proper nouns, like cities, are also capitalize so “pallet” is supposed to be “Pallet”.

Running and Running into the forest Yusuke went trying to find where his lost snorunt was.

This word shouldn’t be capitalize.

Yusuke then threw one of his pokeball at the weedle and it hit weedle and the weedle went inside the pokeball and it started to wiggle and then…

This is a run-on. It can be split into three sentences like this:

Yusuke then threw one of his pokeball at the weedle and it hit weedle. The weedle went inside the pokeball and it started to wiggle. Then…

Some how Yusuke disturbed the kakuna and they hatched and evolved into Beedrill.

“Somehow” is one word.


Length: This is good, but remember, it’s always good to aim in the middle. =)

Description/Detail: There was none at all, really. Instead of adding description and detail, you just transitioned from one event to the other without describing anything. Like I said earlier, take your time with your story, don’t just tell us what happened. Without description and detail in your, it really was just one big summary of a story.

Show us what Vridian City looked like, what the gym looked like. Was it big and worn down, the windows all boarded up with wooden planks? Were the houses small and had neatly cut lawns with little gardens? What about the forest? Was it grim looking with tall trees wherever you glanced? Could Yusuke hear the buzzing of Bug Pokemon in the trees and bushes? Another thing people tend to forget is to describe the Pokemon characters just as much as you do the human characters. Just because we’re in a Pokemon forum, it doesn’t mean each image of every 493 Pokemon is engraved in our heads? How did Snowrunt look like, what did the Beedrill look like? Describe their fur, their fangs, how big they are, anything you can think of.

Describe everything and anything, and I promise you that your stories will improve by a lot.

Battle: It was good for a Weedle, but the main problem is that it was almost exactly like a Game Boy battle. What I mean is that it was “Pokemon A attack, Pokemon B attacks, repeat until one of them faints”. I guess you must be growing tired of me saying this but describe the attacks instead of just telling us they were launched and hit their target. You must know what a blizzard looks like, and you can show us. Was the attack giant rocks of ice raining down from the sky? What about Poison Sting and Protect? Make your battles like the anime battles, exciting with lots of colors and action.

Outcome: I’ll stop my babbling now. ^^; Despite the fact the story was “dry” with no description and one thing happening after another, this is your first story and you did well for a Weedle. So I’m going to say: Weedle captured! Remember to not skip from one scene to the other without telling and showing is what happened, take it slow. Also, describe everything from your human characters to the Pokemon ones, especially in the battle where seeing attacks is better than reading them. Other than that, keep on writing, and enjoy the little bug! ^^

- Kat

Yusuke007
04-26-2008, 07:09 PM
thank you. I'll do better next time.