PDA

View Full Version : The Menacing Cave


Zolar
04-12-2008, 03:34 AM
The Menicing Cave

Halas was an 10 year old that just got his first Pokemon 2 weeks ago. It was a Piplup. It looked
like a small blue penguin. And they already got one badge.

"Wow Piplup we're on a roll." I shouted to Piplup. It replyed with a smile "Pip Piplup!" I smiled back.

Soon we got to a cave. There was fungus and mold everywhere. "Well..." I said "I guess we
have to go threw it Piplup." Piplup and I walked into the cave. It was cold, but I didn't mind

Suddenly Piplup got into it fighting stance. I looked around I didn't see anything.
An Onix came bargging through and threw rocks at me and Piplup. "Piplup use Bubble!"
I ordered. Piplup sent out of it's mouth beautiful bubbles that popped on Onix's head.
"ONIX!" it roared. It dug down into the ground. I couldn't tell if it telported or it dug.
I couldn't see a thing.

"Piplup? Where are you?" I said. Then I heard a noise like something digging. Fast.
Then I saw Onix burst out of the ground and hit Piplup into the air. When Piplup fell down
Onix grabbed with its tail and sweezed hard. When it let go Piplup had fainted. I called it back
and ran.

I got Piplup healed and went back to the cave. A flock of Zubat flew out of the cave.
Piplup used Bubblebeam and knocked one out of the sky. "I hope this works!" I yelled
I grabbed a Pokeball and threw it at the Zubat. It wabbled back and forth. It stopped moving
I caught it. Me and Piplup jumped up. I grabbed the Pokeball and left but the Zubat had
bursted from the small red and white ball. It attacked with a loud defening screech.

I yelled to Piplup "Water Gun Now!"

Piplup let out a strong string of water at Zubat but the Zubat screeched again and many
other Zubats came charging at us. They swarmed us like birds to bread.

I looked at Piplup at he shot out the most powerful Water Gun I've ever seen I thought to
my self "Wow ether Piplup leveled up or his Torrent ablity kicked in"

The Zubats bursted away and screeched loudly and fluddered away Piplup puffed up it's
chest as if it was saying "Yes Go Piplup, Go Piplup, Go Piplup!"

"Last time you're mine now!" I yelled at the Zubat. I launched the pokeball at the Zubat.

"C'mon, C'mon, C'mon..." I said. The center piece was blinking red and white. Piplup and
I waited and waited. The center piece went white.

"Ok now let's go Piplup." I grabbed the Pokeball with courage and held it high in the air
I knew I caught it.

THE END!!

Wanted Pokemon: Zubat
Difficulty: Simple
Charaters w spaces:1,500-2,000
Charaters w/o spaces: 900-1000

Zolar
04-12-2008, 11:33 PM
Ready for grading. Not as long as my other story

Lord Celebi
04-24-2008, 11:44 PM
Plot:

A child by the name of Halas is wandering around after getting his first badge and finds a cave. He goes in and finds an Onix, which quickly beats his starter, Piplup, to a pulp. Halas heals his Piplup and then returns to this cave to see many Zubat. He catches one, and the engages several others. Piplup's Torrent kicks in, as Halas weakens another Zubat enough to catch it. He throws his Pokeball and then becomes quite confident about his capture.

:/ What can I say about this story? Very basic plot, ten-year-old trainer, goes in cave/grass/wild, finds Pokemon, and battles. Nothing really deep beyond that, unfortunately. I'd advise you to avoid things like this and go for an actual plot as opposed to random stuff like this. I, for one, can tell you I dislike reading stories like this, just because there is no plot.

Also, your character count is about 3000 short of a Simple Pokemon.

Spelling/Grammar:

Spelling is bad in some places and fair in others. You sometimes get homonyms confused (through/threw, see below) and some vowels confused. I'd advise you to use Spellcheck. If you don't have Microsoft Word, get Firefox, it has a built in Spellchecker for things like this.

On the subject of Grammar and Punctuation, Grammar needs some slight tweaking. That's the best I can say without rewriting or picking your story apart completely. Try looking in your English Textbooks/Taling to your English Teacher if you need help with this. On the subject of Punctuation, I will advise you heavily to look into this. Your punctuation is abysmal, sorry to say. You're missing commas and periods all over the place. Just because you hit enter, doesn't mean that it ends a sentence. Finally, you have quite a lot of Run-On sentences.

Also, you spelled Menacing wrong. :P

Detail/Battle:

For a newer story, the description is fair. You're going to want to improve upon it quite vastly if you hope to catch bigger Pokemon eventually. The Battles are too short, and yet ironically, take up most of the story. Try for longer, more described battles if you can. That would really improve the quality of the story.

Other:

-What's up with the manual returns? Let Word or Notepad or whatever you're using WordWrap for you. It should be automatic in Word and is under the 'Format' menu in Notepad. Its kind of hard to read this way.

-Epic POV Change? You started out with third person omniscient narration in the first paragraph and immediately switched to first person narration in the second. Try something like this for third person omniscient narration:

Halas [Insert Last Name Here] was a ten year old trainer who had just begun his vast journey in the Pokemon world just over two weeks ago. He was followed by his companion, Piplup, the Blue Penguin Pokemon, in which he was given as a starter by Professor Rowan at his laboratory. Halas and Piplup were able to defeat Roark's gym quite easily within the first two weeks of their training, receiving the [Insert Badge Name] Badge from Roark.

"Wow, Piplup, we're on a roll," Halas had shouted to his Piplup, shining the badge that was in his Badge Case until it gleamed. He closed the lid and put the case back into his pocket.

"Pip Piplup!" Piplup cooed back, replying with only its name.

Or, if you want first person, go for this:

My name is Halas [Insert Last Name Here] a ten year old trainer. I began myis vast journey in the Pokemon world just two weeks ago. Following me is my companion, Piplup, the Blue Penguin Pokemon, in which I was given as a starter by Professor Rowan at his laboratory. Piplup and I were able to defeat Roark's gym quite easily within the first two weeks of our training, receiving the [Insert Badge Name] Badge from Roark.

"Wow, Piplup, we're on a roll," I had shouted to Piplup, shining the badge that was in my Badge Case until it gleamed. I then closed the lid and put the case back into my pocket.

"Pip Piplup!" Piplup cooed back, replying with only its name.

See the difference?

-"I guess we have to go through it Piplup."

-Typically, you want to start a new paragraph when a new character speaks.

-"I got Piplup healed and went back to the cave." That's a whole lot of story that was just put into one sentence. There are so many things you could do there to add some meat to the bones of the story. How bad were the injuries? What did Nurse Joy think? Was Piplup badly injured? Etc.

-I am right to assume the first Zubat you 'caught' is not the Zubat you're going for, eh?

-You NEVER, EVER, EVER say that you caught the Pokemon you're going for in a story, EVER. That is up to the grader, and not the writer. I understand you're rather new to stories, and I'm rather lenient on this kind of thing, so just please remember not to do it again.

Overall: Zubat not captured. I don't think this story is really salvageable, sorry. It would need 3k+ more characters and a complete overhaul before I'll regrade. :/

Note to Emma/Meg/Whoever the Hell is Paying Me: Sorry this grade is three times the length of the story :P Can I have extensive pay for this, though? XD