View Full Version : The Safari Zone catch

03-23-2004, 01:32 AM
The main character is Leon, he was born in Lilycove in Hoenn, His only pokemon is a Gastly, he is 14 and doesnt have much to do but catch pokemon.

Chapter One

As Leon walked down the street of Lilycove in the blazing sun, a light hit him from the intence rays from the sun, he decided to go in the shade. Leon flicked on some sunglasses while he was on a tree, the tree was somewhat large. Then Leon put a visor on the top of his head then went back to the light.... Leon continued down the road. He kept walking untill he saw some grass, Leon stopped dead because he knew that a Pokemon might appear and he didnt want anything to slow him down, to get to the Safari Zone.... Leon pulled a Pokemon Repel out of his Pocket clicked the lid and sprayed some on his jacket and coat. Leon continued. Then started to run he saw some trainer,but he ran right past them, as Leon reached the Safari Zone a Guard said

"Please stop! Show me your poke'dex before you can enter the safari zone!, Some mysterious theifs have been stealing from people in the safari zone"

Leon pulled for his pokedex in his pocket and gave it to the Officer

"Ok good, you may pass"

Leon walked through the door where he was greeted with a hello, then walked past the counter the lady said

"200 Dollars Please"

Leon reached in his jacket to find 457 dollars, he gave it to the lady, She replied "you may pass" then the lady handed him 20 Safari Balls, Leon put these on his belt..... Leon noticed a sign :BIKES FOR RENT 50 DOLLARS: Leon asked for a bike and handed 50 dollars the the Bikerenter..... He asked "A Mach or Acro?" "Ill take a mach, Thanks"

The guy haned him the bike and Leon got on it and peddled forward, he also put on a helmet..... 5 minutes later Leon saw one of his friends his friend said "hey, what are you doing here?" Leon replied with a "Im searching for a Sycther" "oh" his friend replied, Leon peddled foward, he found a Pikachu.......... Leon ran away........

The next pokemon he found was a Natu, the Natu attempted to attack Leon Leon, got hit and fell of his bike.... "ow!" Leon got up and hopped on his bike and peddled so fast he almost hit a trainer....... 20 mins later he found a Scyther the Scyther stood there, Leon threw a Red Pokeblock the scyther picked it up and ate it, the scyther said "SCYTHER!" with a shrill happiness. then Leon threw another the scyther liked it,
Leon threw a Safri ball and...........
Hoped he would catch this new mysterious Pokemon

(This was my first story its not very well, but Thanks) (READ FOR GRADING)

Jack of Clovers
03-25-2004, 02:46 AM
very short for Scyther. this Pokemon typically goes 2-3 good post lengths long. since this is your first story, you need to introduce the character more. give some background area and not just go straight to a capture.

nothing noticable except...

more. "20 minutes go by" describe it. maybe something happened in that time that was interesting, like the thieves showing up. you also run into your friend... what about him? why should the reader even pay attention to that sentence you put in about him? make it interesting. finally, you find three Pokemon and give them each a sentence or two. more. MORE! detail is very important.

you must battle a Pokemon to catch it. don't think about the gameboy, think anime. you aren't going to throw Pokeblocks at a Scyther... they are usually hostile in nature and won't get caught easily without a fight.

14 yrs old and you carry around $250+ money? that seems like way too much. be more realistic.

try going for an easier Pokemon that is less rare than Scyther and work your way up. it's hard to start writing stories here for something this rare. it takes practice.

Outcome- Scyther Not Captured!