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Jesus of Magikarps
04-12-2008, 08:42 PM
The Awesome Adventures of Pablo

Chapter 1

"Wake up lad, it's waffle time!", screamed Pablo's grandmother as she shook him out of his bed wildly.

"Alright Granny, just let me get ready for the day. It takes time to look this beautiful!", said Pablo proudly as he ran his hands through his luscious purple hair.

Pablo was a young, feminine boy only eleven years of age. He was abnormally large for his age and was often called the towns most gorgeous and large child. He was a boy of many ambitions; one of which was to win the Master Rank of the Funky Town's "Annual Beauty Contest". Every day he would practice for the contest with his lovely Pokémon, Smoochum.

The fashionable lad grabbed a pink trench coat and a pair of spiky black boots and dressed himself for the day. After he was finished getting ready, he fluttered down the stairs, just floating towards the sweet aroma of the golden crisped waffles that lay before him. He took a seat at the table and sampled a small corner of the waffle.

"This is disgusting, I'm not ever eating your breakfast again!", yelled Pablo as he spit out his food angrily with a face as though he had just consumed the most vile substance on the planet.

Pablo grabbed his bag and walked out the door.

"What was she thinking, was she trying to poison me?", mumbled Pablo as he stomped out of his yard, wishing for the taste from the waffles to go away. "Perhaps the rays of sweet sunshine shall cheer me up"

Pablo walked for a while until he reached the river of ice which flowed in the woods behind his house. Pablo had never been to the river of ice before because he was afraid that the cold water could make his skin all gross and wrinkly. Today things were different though; Pablo wanted to try something new. He wanted to go beyond the things he feared and prove to himself that he wasn't just a girly lad.

"Alright, here goes nothing", said Pablo as he lowered his foot cautiously into the freezing, bone chilling waters of the river of ice.

"Wait, you fool! Don't go into the river!", cried an old man that jumped out from behind a large bush.

The old man walked slowly towards Pablo. He grabbed him by the shoulder and trembled as he tried to speak.

"Terrible danger, don't go past the river. Terrible. Doom, death, misery.", the old man chocked on his words as he held back tears.

The old man then clapped his hands and started to giggle. His frown turned upside down and he pulled off his old, tattered robe. Underneath it was a rainbow colored jumpsuit which had the words "Rickroll'd" on it.

"Only kidding, my dear boy! The land of the Rickrollers lies beyond that river! There you will find the highest fashions, cheetahs, and plenty of Pocket Monsters!", said the strange man as he pointed merrily past the river.

"You must be joking old man. Can this really be true?", asked Pablo curiously.

"Oh yes, I assure you that every word I speak is the truth. Now go, into the land of the Rickrollers!"

"Wait, how do I get there? I most certainly will need a map, or a guide, or something at least!"

"All you must do is follow your nose. Follow your nose wherever it goes...", said the old man as his voice began to fade away.

Before Pablo could say another word the old man had vanished, almost like magic.

"Well, I guess its off to the land of the Rickrollers then.", said Pablo with a confused expression on his face.

Pablo carefully rolled his sleeves and pants up; he wanted to make sure he didn't get them dirty so he would still look beautiful when he arrived at his destination. He then slowly walked into the cold waters of the river. Everything went numb and he could not even feel his own body as it brushed against weeds and rocks that were in the river. The lad reached the other side of the river and wrapped himself in his own high priced designer jacket, just too keep warm.

"So now I'm just supposed to follow my nose wherever it goes, huh?", thought Pablo as he began sniffing the air.

"I smell it, I smell it! It smells like... peppermint!", said Pablo excitedly as he began to follow the smell of peppermint through the forest.

He kept on following the aroma until it got so powerful that it burned the inside of his nose just to breathe. Suddenly, from the corner of Pablo's eye, he spotted a small yellow Pocket Monster with black stripes. It slightly resembled the power plug that Pablo had used every morning to blow dry his hair. It was an Elekid!

"Hello, Pablo. I have been waiting for you. I am Elekid, King of the Peppermint fields. I will help you on your journey if you can defeat me in combat. Only then will I help you. Good luck, boy. You'll need it.", said the talking Elekid King boldly as he readied himself for battle.

"I accept your challenge great King of the Peppermint. I shall send my greatest warrior, Smoochum to battle you.", shouted Pablo as he reached into his backpack.

Pablo grabbed a shiny red ball which he kept his dear Smoochum inside. He threw it down onto the soft grass. The ball popped open and a short, purple bodied, yellow haired Pocket Monster that slightly resembled a human child stood ready to do whatever it's master wishes. It was Smoochum, Pablo's best friend and greatest warrior.

"Alright Smoochum, give that handsome Elekid King a Sweet Kiss!", command Pablo.

Smoochum jumped into the air and landed right in front of the Elekid Kings short little legs. She leaned forward cutely and gave the king a kiss. The king became confused due to this random action and began to hit himself madly. He ran into a tree, not knowing what he was doing and then fell onto the hard ground. Smoochum ran over towards the Elekid, ready to attack when suddenly Elekid leaped up and smacked Smoochum right in the face with a Thunder Punch. The cute little Pocket Monster jumped back in pain and began rubbing it's injured cheek.

"Are you going to take that, Smoochum? Give that fool an Icy Wind!", called Pablo angrily as he pointed at the Elekid King.

Smoochum tilted it's head back and fired a freezing blast of air from it's mouth. The Icy Wind froze the Elekid's legs, giving time to Smoochum to attack. The fashionable Pocket Monster saw it's chance to attack and ran towards the immobilized Elekid. It put it's hand out then swung forward hard against Elekid twice in a Double Slap attack. Elekid winced in pain and then was thawed from the ice. Smoochum began to run away out of fear of the angry expression that the Elekid King wore. The King put out his yellow leg in front of Smoochum's feet and tripped her with a Low Kick. He then began to swing his sparking fists wildly at the Smoochum in multiple Thunder Punches. Smoochum screamed in pain as each hit pounded into her little body.

"Smoochum, you can make it! I believe in you!", cried Pablo as he spoke words of encouragement towards Smoochum.

Smoochum could not take it any longer. She had to win this. She had to make her beautiful best friend forever, Pablo happy and win this battle. She focused all of her energy and then stared at her enemy, Peppermint King Elekid. She then opened her mouth and released a massive Blizzard attack! Elekid was consumed in a freezing cold wind that covered his whole body in a thick layer of ice.

"You did it, Smoochum! I knew you could do it!", shouted Pablo joyously as he hugged his adorable little friend.

He then reached into his backpack and grabbed an empty Pokéball. He threw it triumphantly at the frozen Elekid King. The ball popped open and Elekid was sucked into it. The ball wiggled once, twice...

Jesus of Magikarps
04-19-2008, 09:35 PM
Desired Pokémon: Elekid
Characters Needed: 5,000
Character Count: 7,574
---
Needs a grader. :O

The Jr Trainer
04-26-2008, 12:23 AM
Plot/Story:
Pablo, this feminie guy dislikes his grannies food, so he leaves out with a snickety angry. Randomly seeming, he goes to a (freezing?) river. An old dude stops him and tell him not to go into the river as "Rickroll land," lmao, is over the river and the old guy doesn't want him to get rickroll'd (I assume). Then Pablo travels and finds the Peppermint Fields, the kind of the lands there Elekid is a bit angry at Pablo for coming onto his turf, thus they go into combat!

Yes, this was interesting, but it was a gbit mixing up. Make sure your story has a general point and actually makes a bit of sense sometimes, and that characters don't just randomly pop up out of the middle of no where and then disappear with some magical-ness. Now, this was quite funny, but make story, as said, you have an idea and plot to go with the story. Not just some randomness that is nothing, but pretty much pointless. I know it is supposed to be comedic, but stories need to make some form of sense every-once-and-a-while. Alright?

Now, the flow of the story was cut off greatly. It was this than that, than this, than that. It was very confusing. Make sure the whole story fits together and isn't just rambled together. Make sure it is pasted together and made into a greatly loved thingy, thinger. :D

Grammar/Spelling:
Err, some mistakes here. But nothing a little teaching won't help. :D

"Wake up lad, it's waffle time!", screamed Pablo's grandmother as she shook You don't need the comma after the quotation mark. Never, ever, never, ever put the comma after the quotation mark. The only time you need a comma by a quotation mark would be when they use something like "said Pablo," actions after speaking would result in a period at the end of a sentence in quotation. For example:
=ME
"The racecars are zooming past us." Pablo looked at the zooming cars.Since it's using an action, not something like "said," "yelled," etc. Just remember that. ;)

"Well, I guess its off to the land of the Rickrollers then.", said Pablo with a confused expression on his faceNow here, because you used "said" you would change it into this:

"Well, I guess its off to the land of the Rickrollers then," said Pablo with a confused expression on his face

All right. That's all I see wrong.

Length:
Good 'nuff for me. How about you? :P

Detail:
This was quite medicore. You had it here and there, but not all over. Make sure you tell about everything and everyone and such. Not just sometimes, but all the time make it vivide and fun to read. Not only funny, but interesting and mind... uh picturing? :P Fun it what you want, but you also need to have some form of describtion. And even the detail you had was small and tiny, just about worthless. But nonetheless, it was detail and it helped quite a lot at times of confusion in my brain.

Now, if you have trouble, close your eyes and imagine right when you're writing, then type/write it out and have it there, and make it stay there and be with you. Make sure not only you, but everyone can picture it. Aight?

Battle:
This was your best. It was long, detailed. Just abuot everything you want to be. You could add in s'more surrounding things, like the mons using the surroundings to battle and dodge and whatnot. Since they're not just sitting a giant bubble. They're somewhere battling, right? Yes, they are. Use that to their own advantages. Make them use more moves, make it awesome. :P

Anything can happen in a battle, make it creative, not just some boring plan battle. Make people want to read, have to read. Not be able to turn it down. D:

Final Outcome:
This was just good enough for me. You had sufficent enough of everything. Though, the randomness level could have decreased quite a bit. But nonetheless, a capture!

Elekid captured!

Jesus of Magikarps
04-26-2008, 12:03 PM
Harhar, thanks for the grade, Jr.

I'll try to make it less random next time and fix that grammar mistake with the commas and the puddin' pops. :o