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SuperSmashBrawl
04-15-2008, 01:47 AM
Light and Darkness: Zane Myers

Part 1: Rise, Fall, and 2nd Uprising of The REAL Zane!

1.1 The Underground Caverns

Thousands of shady criminals sat in a massive ampitheater surrounding a circle drawn with chalk. The dirt in this circle was stained in blood. Upon further inspection, you could see a large golden cup filled with money. The cup was raised to a platform that carried a throne. Sitting on the throne was a middle-aged man in a red robe. His face was wrinkled and his grey beard pointed downward. He picked up the cup and raised it into the air.

"The bets have been recieved!" He shouted in his raspy voice, "Now we meet the fighters."

Two spotlights shone on opposite sides of the stadium. Two figures fully covered in black robes walked to the edges of the circle. The first threw off his cloak, revealing his form. A twenty-something year-old man weighing roughly two hundred pounds faced his robed opponent. He wore a dark shirt and long pants. He had a rugged smile under his bushy mustache. The man's appearance set the crowd on fire. They roared, each and every one of them, knowing they made the right bet.

On the otherside of the arena, the shorter figure stood. Under the shadow of the hood, the fighter wore a smug grin of confidence. He untied the strings to his cloak and pulled his arms back. The black robe floated off, the audience laughed at the sight of this feeble boy. A sixteen year-old boy stood there with his eyes closed. He wore blue jeans and a white t-shirt. He also wore a striped button-down shirt that he left unbottoned. However, the thing that drew the crowd's attention at first would be the black glove he wore on his right hand. The man on the throne smiled, expecting a slaughterfest. The kid looked up, with the cocky grin still on his face, and opened his eyes.

Everybody in the stadium, including the the large man jumped when the boy's eyes opened. His black hair dropped to just below his shoulders in a spiky mess. This enhanced the demonic glow of the boy's eyes. The irises shone blood red with the black pupils flickering with an eerie light. Knowing he left a great first impression in the Dark World Caverns, the boy grinned from ear to ear. This was his first match in the underground fighting ring owned by the robed old man.

"The match between Zane Myers and Greg Charles is about to begin!" the robed man said, "Would both combatants release your partners?"

Greg pulled out a red ball and threw it. It burst open in a white glow revealing a tall penguin in a blue metal suit with a trident over its face. Empoleon's size matched its trainer's. The young teen drew a crystal Pokeball and dropped it to the ground. Black smoke revealed two glowing eyes. When the smoke blew away, a purple Pokemon with a small tail and red eyes stared at the crowd. Gengar stuck its tongue out and chuckled.

At this time, Greg and Zane entered the circle, with both Pokemon on the outside. Standard rules say that the trainers fight and can call their Pokemon in for assistance. A long bell rang throught the stadium. Greg rushed Zane, wanting to rub the smirk off his face. With great force, he hit the kid's face. Zane just stood there, not even flinching. Mr. Charles took a step back and charged with a massive force, straight into Zane's ribs.

"Oh no!" the robed man yelled, " That was the bone shattering Arm Hammer! Zane is done for."

The crowd chanted as Greg removed his arm from Zane's gut. The boy seemed to be unconscious where he stood. Suddenly, an eerie laughter echoed through the stadium. The crowd figured the bulky figure was taunting the small boy. They simply ignored the strange laughter until Greg trembled in fear. Zane, looking down at the ground, his bangs covering his eyes, laughed.

"That was fun," he said, "Is it my turn yet?"

Slowly, the teenage boy raised his head. When he opened his eyes, red lightning pulsed from his eyes and created a field of red energy that surrounded Mr. Charles. Suddenly, the bulking man changed from his human colors to the bright colors you find when you invert an object. Various shades of white and blue covered his body. The terrifying aspect of this was that Zane was transforming. His arms and legs became spiny and his fists grew massive. His skin became grey and his black hair became spikes protruding out his back.

The creature rushed at his pitiful opponent, striking him one in the face. He(though it should be referred to as an 'it') followed up with a punch to the gut, rotated his fist, and struck his enemy with a powerful uppercut. The creature jumped to meet Greg with a powerful flipping kick. The heavy sack fell to the ground with a massive thud. The monster returns to his human form and whistles. As Gengar dives for her trainer, Zane pulls off his glove, revealing a red circle on his palm. He grabs Gengar and the two are sucking into a black hole. Suddenly, a red apparation of the teenage boy and a blue apparation of the Pokemon appeared. The black hole turned into a cocoon of light, and what exploded out of it gave everybody bladder issues, except for poor Greg who suddenly suffered from implosive diarrhea. That's me...not Greg, but Zane. Of course, I wasn't born a red-eyed demon freak. I used to be a normal human, just like you.

1.2 How it began

Hard to imagine I know, but the Zane that gave Greg implosive diarrhea wasn't the original me. By that time, that Zane was one a week old. I used to have blue eyes and didn't wear any gloves. I was born on Sakura Island, south of the Sinnoh coastline. It was springtime and all of the cherry blossoms were in bloom. The light breeze blew them from the trees, sending the pink petals everywhere. I was walking through town in my blue jeans, red t-shirt, and a pair of Garchomp-blue sneakers. Ahead of me was a flower shop. A brown-haired girl with blue eyes was selling a bouquet of roses to a couple. I knew today would be the day I would get my wish, so I walked up to the shopkeep.

"I'll take a Rose too," I said, smirking.

"Whatever," the girl said, rolling her eyes.

"C'mon Rose! I'm gonna keep asking and you know it, just give in already!" I yelled.

"Fine..." she sighed, "One condition though: beat my Gardevoir in a battle."

"Sweet!" I hollered, jumping onto an empty table.

"But you can't use Gengar," Rose replied, wagging her finger in a "no-no" manner.

I let out a long sigh. I looked at the four Pokemon I was carrying. Gengar, Roserade, Charizard, and of course...Electivire. Gengar was the only Pokemon that had an advantage over Gardevoir. I couldn't use Roserade because she would be at a disadvantage. I had only two options...Charizard or Electivire. I realized that I never used Electivire in a battle, but now wasn't the time to take a test drive. I placed three of the Pokeballs in my pocket and threw the one containing my dragon. Rose grinned and threw her Pokeball.

Two white flashes revealed our creatures. Gardevoir, a green Psychic-type with along white dress represents the final obstacle between me and Rose. My Pokemon, a large orange lizard with blue wings and a flaming tail roared from the paradise of a Pokeball. Charizard and I were two peas in the same cocky, aggressive, impatient pod. We were on the same wave-length and sometimes I could swear we could read each other's thoughts. The large Pokemon charged at the Emotion Pokemon, flapping its wings violently. She rammed her head at Gardevoir with a rock-shattering force, but this fighting move didn't even make Gardevoir fling.

"You idiot!" I exploded in blind fury, "Rock Smash isn't effective against Psychic Pokemon!"

"Grooaaarrrr!" Charizard replied, shooting a fireball in my direction.

"What's wrong?" Rose laughed, "Can't control Charizard?"

"Whatever, you better be ready for that Saturday date! Charizard and I are gonna win." I shot back.

"Psychic," Rose replied cooly.

I had gotten caught up in the arguement, I completely forgot about Gardevoir. The Pokemon's eyes changed to a light blue and a strange light surrounded Charizard. The dragon was hurled away in a fit of mental power! I turned back to see if my last hope was okay. Thankfully, there were only a few bruises. Charizard flew towards Gardevoir with her jaws open. Before she could reach the prey however, the enemy vanished and re-appeared behind the unsuspecting lizard.

"Now, use Thunderbolt!" Rose yelled with great energy.

Gardevoir started to build up electricity in her body. In two seconds, an electric bolt shot out at my Pokemon. This attack would end the battle if it hits. I couldn't let that happen.

"Charizard use Fire Spin on yourself," I commanded.

My Pokemon listened to me and spun around in circles. The flame on its tail formed a twister of fire that absorbed the electric bolt. This defensive technique caught Rose off her guard. Charizard took the oppurtunity to grab Gardevoir and lift her high in the air. The Flying-type began diving toward the ground. I knew the perfect timing for a killer combo. When both Pokemon were ten feet from the ground, I took my chance.

"Let go and then use Blast Burn!" I boomed.

When my command was recieved, Charizard dropped Gardevoir. The Pokemon crashed into the ground. Charizard's mouth suddenly glowed a bright red color as it charged up its incredible attack. Without warning, she unleashed a massive explosion of flames that charred Rose's only Pokemon. I had won and now Rose would be mine! Suddenly, a man in a white lab coat with glasses came.

"Excuse me," he said, "My name is..."

1.3 Professor Evergreen

"I saw your battle," he continued, "and I was hoping you would agree to be interns for my lab."

"Uh...sure," I replied hesitantly.

"Why do you need us?" Rose asked.

"I want to find trainers who can connect with their Pokemon for an expirement I'm working on," he explained.

So that's how it all began. The expirement is what turned me into a demon freak. Of course, there's more to the story. Later, Rose and I entered this white building. The floor was lined with numerous tiles, about five hundred, I counted them while Rose was telling me why she still thought this was a bad idea. There were pictures on the walls and weird machines lined the counter. We entered a small office and found the professor sitting with a blonde-haired man. The guy turned around, he had a rugged beard and wore a sports jacket.

"This is my assistant Kevin," the professor said, putting some papers in a drawer.

"Nice to meet you," Kevin said, extending his hand.

"Yeah, nice to meet you too," I replied, shaking hands with the man.

"Hey, what's this machine?" Rose asked, looking at a chamber in the back of the room.

"That's the reason the professor called you here," the assistant replied.

"Exactly. It is a DNA transfer machine," Prof. Evergreen said, turning to face Rose, "I want trainers that can connect with their Pokemon so that I can use this machine to its fullest. If my theory is correct, it would allow trainers to understand Pokemon."

"Cool!" I shouted, running towards the machine, "Can I try?"

"Stay back!" the old man yelled, "It is not finished yet."

Suddenly, rocks flew threw the windows, shattering the glass. Several bikers wearing black jackets and mohawks jumped into the lab. In my startled state, I stumbled into the DNA machine. Suddenly, the metal door slammed shut. Before I could kick the door open, red lightning struck my back, shocking my entire body.

"We gotta get him out of there!" Rose shouted, running towards the machine.

"Stop!" Professor Evergreen shouted, "The machine isn't complete. We have to wait five minutes or else he'll die!"

"Besides, you've got other things to worry about," one of the intruders said cockily.

"You wanna go a round?" Kevin challenged, raising his fists up.

"No but our Pokemon do," the biker replied.

At that, the three bikers sent out fighting types. A long skinny one, atall one wearing boxing gloves, and a Pokemon that spun on its head appeared. The Pokemon were Hitmonlee, Hitmonchan, and Hitmontop respectively. Kevin, Rose, and Prof. Evergreen sent out their three Pokemon as well. Rose's was a green blob of blue vines, Tangela was ready to go. Kevin's Pokemon, Machamp, reflected his rock 'em sock 'em personality with its large arms. The professor's was a slim Pokemon with sharp arms. The six Pokemon clashed in the middle of their trainers. Attacks were flying this way and that, all the while I was trapped in a machine that started to smoke. I couldn't help my friends.

Before I knew it, Hitmontop, Machamp, and Tangela were defeated. Gallade, the scientist's Pokemon, and the two remaining Hitmon brothers were in a heated two-on-one match. The Sword Pokemon was soon surrounded.

"Use your Sky Uppercut," the elder biker commanded his Hitmonchan.

"Help with a Hi Jump Kick," the younger biker shouted.

Hitmonchan jabbed its red glove into Gallade's chin. The Psychic-type was sent upward into the, well, sky. Hitmonlee leapt into the air and stuck his foot out. Gallade rose up as Hitmonlee cut down. The two Pokemon collided, sending the fighter flipping in the air. The professor's Pokemon fell downwards with incredible velocity. It was however, able to angle its drop, landing head-first on Hitmonchan, knocking both Pokemon out. Hitmonlee was able to safely hit the ground. The bikers laughed, ready to charge the defeated trainers. Suddenly, the machine's door flung open, spewing out smoke. In the smoke, a pair of glowing red eyes glared at the thugs. This is when I first learned of my power's. This is when I became...

SuperSmashBrawl
04-24-2008, 11:52 PM
1.4 Red-Eyed Demon

"Stay away from my friends!" I shouted, stepping out of the smoke.

"What...what a FREAK!!!" I heard one of the bikers shout.

"You're fight is with me," I replied, with smug grin on my face, "Roserade, I could use your help."

I tossed out a Pokeball. It opened to reveal a green Pokemon with large flowers for hands and white hair on top of its head. The Pokemon stood in front of Hitmonlee, raring to fight.

"Roserade use your-!" I shouted, before being tackled by the two bikers without Pokemon.

My body collasped under the combined weight of the brothers. I heard a cry from Roserade, I knew what they planned on doing. I crawled out of the Growlithe-pile and rose to my feet.

"I see, you're gonna have your brothers keep me from calling out attacks!" I yelled, pointing at the youngest brother.

Suddenly, one of the bikers stood up and swung his fist at me. As if by instinct, my hand shot up and caught his fist. The other biker dove for me, I ducked and moved behind his brother. I jabbed the massive fist into the owners back and kicked him. He fell onto his brother, knocking them both out. Suddenly, I saw a green blur. Roserade crashed into a cabinet of chemicals, causing an explosion. I ran to my Pokemon's aid. One bottle remained on the shelf, and it was about ready to fall.

"Look out!" Kevin boomed, "That's deadly acid!"

I dove to shield Roserade. My right hand, which seemed to glow red touched the Flower Pokemon. The bottle fell, but a massive surge of energy sent it flying out of one of the broken windows. My Pokemon and I were sucked into a black hole. A large appiration of me, and a larger one of Roserade shone brightly. Suddenly, a cocoon of green light appeared in place of the black hole. I broke out of the egg, but I looked totally different. I was wearing a green suit with large flowers for cuffs. A ribbon with eyeholes masked my face and my black hair stuck straight up.

"I don't believe it!" The professor exclaimed, "He fused with his Pokemon!"

"It doesn't mean anything," the biker replied gruffly, "Lee, use Rolling Kick."

I turned around to see the brown Pokemon spinning towards me. I raised my arm up to shield myself. To my surprise, Hitmonlee's attack was completely blocked by my arm. I shot my free hand and grabbed his leg. As I Hitmonlee hung from my hand, I noticed several muscles in my cuffs. I flexed them and thousands of needles shot of the flower. I threw my left arm back, startled by my use of Poison Sting. I felt a tingling sensation and looked for the source. My left arm was glowing in the sunlight! A spark of inspiration crossed my mind.

With all my might, I threw the captured Pokemon across the room. He crashed into the three bikers, knocking them to the ground. I aimed my glowing left hand, unleashing a massive burst of solar power. The beam hit the bikers and sent them through the wall. The powerful attack left me out of energy. I felt an electric charge go through my body, seperating my Pokemon and I. I was exhausted as I called back Roserade. The four of us cleaned the lab. It was time to go soon, so we locked up and began to walk back to town. Suddenly, somebody pushed me, knocking me to the ground. A large biker, a different one than before, charged with a blade. He slashed the person that had pushed me.


"What's going on?" I asked.

"The boss sends his regards," the biker said, riding away.

"Oh my god! Rose!" I heard the professor say.

I turned around to find that it was Rose that knocked me down. She had thrown herself into the thug's path. Several cuts appeared on various parts of her body, blood flowing from them. Her brown hair was in front of her face. In the shadow caused by her bangs, I could see glowing tears on one side, blood on the other. Suddenly, her body went limp and she collasped onto the ground.

"I'm...sorry...Zane, I f-f-failed you," she gasped, passing out.

I was fuming with rage. I felt terrible on the inside. It was my fault Rose was dying. I stood on my hands and knees and let the tears flow. This is when I first contacted...

1.5 The Monster Inside of Me

We were at Sakura General Hospital. On the top floor was the Intensive Care Unit. We were in a small room with a bed and various machines. The doctor's had sultured most of the wounds caused by the blade. However, Rose was still in critical condition. I left to go to the cafeteria. I wouldn't have left my friend alone, but one of the doctors insisted I get a cup of coffee or at least some tea. I normally don't drink coffee, but this was a stressful situation and I didn't care. I threw away my mug and proceeded to go to the ICU.

"Hey kid," a strange voice called.

I turned around to see a man wearing a black suit and tie. He had a business hat on and carried a black suitcase. His hair was jet black and poked out from under the hat. He walked up to me.

"Who are you?" I asked.

"I'm an acquaintance of Professor Evergreen," the old man replied, "He told me about your predicament. I want to let you know that it's okay to be angry. In fact, fuel your anger. It will help you feel better and get your revenge on the creeps who hurt you little girlfriend."

I walked off, processing the man's advice. It semmed weird...at first. When I made it to the ICU, doctors were scrambling to a room. I heard a nurse say something about flat-lining. I ran to follow the three doctors into room 204...Rose's room.

"Oh god," I thought.

Inside, they were connecting wires to the patient. The wires were connected to a Pikachu. The small yellow electric mouse began to store electricity. On the doctor's signal, it shocked Rose with a Thundershock. They took two more tries, but with no avail. The doctor grabbed her wrist to check her pulse and declared her dead. He left to give us time to grieve. At this time, I remembered what the man had said. Instead of crying, I focused on how the bikers had killed her. I banged my fist against the wall, creating a small dent. I exploded in a roaring burst of rage! Red electricity surrounded my entire body. My skin turned grey, my arms and legs grew spikes, and my hair became black spikes protruding from my back.

Angered, I burst out of the hospital and ran down every alley I could find. Stray Meowth scattered as I let out a ferocious howl. My sharpened sense of hearing detected three pairs of feet. I turned the corner to find the three bikers running away. Before they had a chance to escape, I pounced and ripped my claws into the oldest ones. The younger one was too fast, and soon escaped. I followed him down a strange tunnel and wound up in a new place.

"Where am I?" I snarled.

"This is the Sinnoh Dark World," a familiar voice said, "Welcome to the Underground Caverns."

It was the man that killed Rose. He stepped from the shadows and I could clearly see his face. There was a scar running across his left eye. He wore the same black jackets the other bikers wore, but his hair was a fauxhawk, not a pure mohawk. The youngest biker was nowhere to be found. I growled and ran towards the man, jabbing my arm into his chest with murderous intent. He doubled over and died. I started laughing and found that I had transformed into my human form. I stared at my glowing red palm, this must be the source of my power. I intended to keep it a secret, so I took a glove from the corpse's hand and explored the caverns. I met the robed owner and entered my first match. This is when...

1.6 The Real Zane Myers Died


Okay, so this is where we started. Thousands of shady criminals sat in a massive ampitheater surrounding a circle drawn with chalk. The dirt in this circle was stained in blood. Upon further inspection, you could see a large golden cup filled with money. The cup was raised to a platform that carried a throne. Sitting on the throne was a middle-aged man in a red robe. His face was wrinkled and his grey beard pointed downward. He picked up the cup and raised it into the air.

"The bets have been recieved!" He shouted in his raspy voice, "Now we meet the fighters."

Two spotlights shone on opposite sides of the stadium. Two figures fully covered in black robes walked to the edges of the circle. The first threw off his cloak, revealing his form. A twenty-something year-old man weighing roughly two hundred pounds faced his robed opponent. He wore a dark shirt and long pants. He had a rugged smile under his bushy mustache. The man's appearance set the crowd on fire. They roared, each and every one of them, knowing they made the right bet.

On the otherside of the arena, the shorter figure stood. Under the shadow of the hood, the fighter wore a smug grin of confidence. He untied the strings to his cloak and pulled his arms back. The black robe floated off, the audience laughed at the sight of this feeble boy. A sixteen year-old boy stood there with his eyes closed. He wore blue jeans and a white t-shirt. He also wore a striped button-down shirt that he left unbottoned. However, the thing that drew the crowd's attention at first would be the black glove he wore on his right hand. The man on the throne smiled, expecting a slaughterfest. The kid looked up, with the cocky grin still on his face, and opened his eyes.

Everybody in the stadium, including the the large man jumped when the boy's eyes opened. His black hair dropped to just below his shoulders in a spiky mess. This enhanced the demonic glow of the boy's eyes. The irises shone blood red with the black pupils flickering with an eerie light. Knowing he left a great first impression in the Dark World Caverns, the boy grinned from ear to ear. This was his first match in the underground fighting ring owned by the robed old man.

"The match between Zane Myers and Greg Charles is about to begin!" the robed man said, "Would both combatants release your partners?"

Greg pulled out a red ball and threw it. It burst open in a white glow revealing a tall penguin in a blue metal suit with a trident over its face. Empoleon's size matched its trainer's. The young teen drew a crystal Pokeball and dropped it to the ground. Black smoke revealed two glowing eyes. When the smoke blew away, a purple Pokemon with a small tail and red eyes stared at the crowd. Gengar stuck its tongue out and chuckled.

At this time, Greg and Zane entered the circle, with both Pokemon on the outside. Standard rules say that the trainers fight and can call their Pokemon in for assistance. A long bell rang throught the stadium. Greg rushed Zane, wanting to rub the smirk off his face. With great force, he hit the kid's face. Zane just stood there, not even flinching. Mr. Charles took a step back and charged with a massive force, straight into Zane's ribs.

"Oh no!" the robed man yelled, " That was the bone shattering Arm Hammer! Zane is done for."

The crowd chanted as Greg removed his arm from Zane's gut. The boy seemed to be unconscious where he stood. Suddenly, an eerie laughter echoed through the stadium. The crowd figured the bulky figure was taunting the small boy. They simply ignored the strange laughter until Greg trembled in fear. Zane, looking down at the ground, his bangs covering his eyes, laughed.

"That was fun," he said, "Is it my turn yet?"

Slowly, the teenage boy raised his head. When he opened his eyes, red lightning pulsed from his eyes and created a field of red energy that surrounded Mr. Charles. Suddenly, the bulking man changed from his human colors to the bright colors you find when you invert an object. Various shades of white and blue covered his body. The terrifying aspect of this was that Zane was transforming. His arms and legs became spiny and his fists grew massive. His skin became grey and his black hair became spikes protruding out his back.

The creature rushed at his pitiful opponent, striking him one in the face. He(though it should be referred to as an 'it') followed up with a punch to the gut, rotated his fist, and struck his enemy with a powerful uppercut. The creature jumped to meet Greg with a powerful flipping kick. The heavy sack fell to the ground with a massive thud. The monster returns to his human form and whistles. As Gengar dives for her trainer, Zane pulls off his glove, revealing a red circle on his palm. He grabs Gengar and the two are sucking into a black hole. Suddenly, a red apparation of the teenage boy and a blue apparation of the Pokemon appeared. The black hole turned into a cocoon of light, and what exploded out of it gave everybody bladder issues, except for poor Greg who suddenly suffered from implosive diarrhea. That's me...not Greg, but Zane. Of course, I wasn't born a red-eyed demon freak. I used to be a normal human, just like you.

The black hole revealed a human-shaped figure. The figure was purple and had claws for hands. I charged up a black ball of energy and shot it at Greg. I seperated from Gengar, no pain this time. He begged for mercy, but something in me, a dark impulse, stepped on his neck, killing the poor man. I laughed as I exited the stadium, the whole crowd was in awe. I returned to the crowded room which would serve as my sleeping quarters. Before I could drift off to sleep, the robed man entered the room. I could see that he had a black 9mm gun in his hand.

"This is a gift," he said, handing me the gun, "You earned me a lot of money. You have my permission to use weapons in the Undergound Caverns. This makes you the first with my permission."

I took the gun and examined it, searching for a place to insert bullets. There was only one hole: the barrel. I looked up at the old man, he read the confused expression on my face a chuckled.

"Don't worry," he laughed, "It runs on a very special power source. The more you want to kill, the stronger the bullets, let this be a symbol of the beast inside you."

He left, leaving me to ponder this mystery on my own. On the maple cabinet was a soda can left by the room's previous owner. I focused my energy and aimed the gun, my fingers wrapped around the trigger. To my amazement, black flames flowed from me into the gun. I pulled the trigger, a loud pop echoed through the room. A small bullet of dark flames pierced the can. I examined the gun a smiled.

"This is going to be fun," I smiled.

It was a week later, and I was eager to test out my new toy. The streets of the Underground Cavern were plain. Apartments lined the sidewalk, housing betting tycoons and undergound contestants, such as myself. I didn't expect to see anybody on the streets, but there was a girl. She seemed kind of familiar, brown hair and blue eyes. She wore a black jacket and black pants. A mask covered most of her facial details, but she had a lipstick red smile.

"Nice day for a stroll," the familiar voice spoke.

"Yeah and what's it to you!" I yelled back.

"I already said," she replied, "Its a nice day for a stroll."

The familiar figure was getting on my last nerve. I pulled my gun and focused my energy. She reacted quickly, grabbing the whip from he belt loop and using it to swat my gun away. She ran towards me, grabbing a strap that was hanging from her body. Closing my eyes and flinching, I was waiting for her hit. Something was thrust into my hands, I opened my eyes to see a shining blade in a sheath in front of me.

"This is a gift from Professor Evergreen," the girl explained, "He examined the source of your fusion powers and harnessed them in this blade. When you fuse, the blade becomes a weapon to enhance your powers. It is a symbol of the real Zane Myers, use it whenever you want to remember who you used to be, before you got that gun."

I looked up from the blade to find that she had left. Her uncanny resemblence to somebody I knew startled me. Why couldn't I remember? I closed my eyes for a minute and entered my head. I walked through the darkness in my mind until I found a lonely mirror. I checked my reflection, black hair, blue eyes, and and sixteen-year old's smug grin. A single blink changed my reflection, the grey-skinned demon stood in the mirror, laughing. I raised my hands to my face, one was normal, but the other one was grey. What does it mean? Something woke me from my daze, a rock bounced off my head. I turned around to see a guy threatening me with a knife. He was a guy I had defeated in the colloseum two days ago.

Something inside me wanted to reach for the sword that rested on my back. The other half however, was reaching for the gun, murder in his eyes. I remembered what both people had said.

"Let the gun be a symbol of the beast inside you," the robed man had said.

"This sword is a symbol of the real Zane Myers," the girl's voice echoed, "Use this when you want to remember who you used to be."

The images in my head made sense now. The struggle between decided how I kill this threat merely symbolized the battle between the light and darkness inside of me. The darkness won, grabbing the gun and focusing its eternal hate. The bullet was true, piercing the sore loser in the chest. He doubled over, face first in the puddle of his own blood. At the same time, I had killed the man...and who I used to be. I was at...

SuperSmashBrawl
04-27-2008, 06:38 PM
1.7 The Point of No Return

Here I was, not even knowing who I am. I desperately needed a breath of fresh air. I burst out of the Underground Caverns and into the bright green forests of Sakura Island. Bug and Bird Pokemon scattered as I past. I was pure evil, I didn't expect them to stay. I sat down on a large boulder that stood at the drop-off point of the island and stared out at the Sinnoh Region.

"Machines...destroy dreams," I said, regretting ever agreeing to be Professor Evergreen's intern.

I finally stopped blaming myself. If that old man hadn't of been at our battle. I would have never fell into the machine. This...this...monster wouldn't exist. Most importantly, Rose would still be alive. I realized that today was the Saturday we had agreed to go out on. I won the bet, but I never got my prize. My silent meditation was disturbed by the crunching of branches.

"It seems not even the great Zane Myers can get what he desperately wants," the person spoke.

I turned around to find that it was the same girl that had given me the sword. Another person I had let down, she expected me to use the sword, and become the person I used to be. Still, what gave her the right to know so much about me? I prepared to voice my opinion.

"Don't say a word," she said, sitting on the boulder, "I know what you're going to say. Who am I? I wish I could tell you right now, but we both know that you have something more important to worry about."

"But, how do I get me back?" I sobbed.

"You know what you have to do," she replied calmly, eyeing the blade resting in my sheath, "Let go of all of your hates, fears, and most importantly, your regrets. You've taken the right path. Kevin, the Professor, Rose, they all know you did the right thing. They just want to help."

"Please," I grunted, "I know they are all sick of me. Besides, I can't even see Rose anymore."

"You have no idea how special you are to her," she said, placing a hand on my shoulder, "Uh...I-I mean; everybody."

"Wait, what?" I said, oblivious to what was going on.

"I, uh, have to go now," she stammered, running into the forest.

"Wait!" I called out, beginning my pursuit.

My run was stopped by a figure roughly my height. It was blue with black details. I could see on the spikes on his hands and chest. He hand long pointing ears and reminded me of an Egyptian creature. Light seemed to pour from the creature's body.

"Let her go," the creature spoke, "If you catch her, you may never return to your normal self."

"How do you know that I'm not who I used to be?" I asked defensively.

"I can see your aura," was its reply, "You are torn between light and dark. How do I know this? I know because I am the gatekeeper of the light. I am Lucario, the Wave-Guiding Pokemon.

"Lucario, huh?" I thought out loud, "The perfect Pokemon to add to my team!"

With that, I threw the first punch. Lucario jumped back into the forest. I could barely hear the Aura Pokemon's muffled footsteps. It charged at me at a reckless speed. I had no time to react, and went crashing into a tree. I quickly rose back to my feet. Lucario was standing inches from my face. I swung my left arm around, knocking it to the ground. With my other hand, I drew the gun from its holster and focused my energy.

"Oh come now," Lucario laughed, "I thought you wanted to catch me, not kill me."

"Yeah well, there's been a change of plans," I said, fingers on the trigger.

"You don't have it in you," the Pokemon smiled, "You're a coward. I know you won't pull the trigger."

"Watch me!" I yelled, scattering a flock of birds, "Sayonara, Wave-Guiding Hero!"

I shrugged off the words Lucario spoke and pulled the trigger. The flaming bullet would kill the Pokemon. I regretted the choice I made, not because I wanted to catch Lucario, but because the bullet was stopped. Lucario's aura of light caught the bullet and turned it around. He smiled, clapping his hands. The projectile flew inches my head, going straight through the tree behind me.

"Why didn't it work!" I yelled, shaking the gun.

"Your desire to kill wasn't strong enough to pierce my aura," Lucario smiled, "You regretted your decision the second you made it. I knew you had some good in you. Come back when you're ready to trust your Pokemon, and yourself."

The Aura Pokemon disappeared into the forest. It was late, I decided to return to the Underground Caverns. It the arena, a loud commotion was going on, louder than usual. I ran to see what was going on. The guards had captured somebody. The crowd stood in a circle around the victim. It was the girl from before! What was her name? Even without the mask, I couldn't recognize her. A small platform raised her up, towards the Cavern Master's house. She was to be executed in the building. I prepared to chase after her, but a wrinkly hand touched my shoulder.

"Do you want to witness the execution first hand?" the Cavern Master asked.

"You would give me the honor?" I faked loyalty and humbleness.

"But of course, you are my star after all," the man smiled.

So we both entered his quarters. It was a large room with a wooden floor. Two dozen guards stood along the sides, with energy-shooting spears in their hands. I saw the girl, hanging from the ceiling over a black pit. The Cavern Master returned to his golden throne.

"I knew from your very first match that you had an inner darkness," he said, "I am one of the many Dark World masters. The black pit is made of pure shadow. I would like for you to absorb its dark power, execute the prisoner, and then travel the Dark World, absorbing every single portal and becoming invincible."

"Zane! Don't do it!" She shouted from the ceiling.

I really wish I couldn't, but the darkness forced me to. Removing the fingerless glove, I placed my hand in the darkness. The energy over-powered me. Inside my head, I was face-to-face with the demon. Suddenly, a large shadow engulfed the demon, and dissolved my body. In real life, the demon had full control. My skin was spiny and grey, with large black spikes going down my entire back. My red eyes pulsed massive rays of darkness. The only word I knew was a mere roar.

"Which one of thesse guardsss ssshould I kill firsssst?" the demon's voice echoed inside my head, "Every kill makessssss ussssss even ssstronger! I'm giving you the choiccce!"

The demon's hissing was like the screech of the chalkboard. It drove me insane. Finally, the demon chose which guard to kill: All of them. He ran at an incredible speed, not even giving the guards time to prepare their weapons before he mercilessly executed them all. The monster shrieked in glee. He turned his head to the girl, dangling over the bottomless pit. It was time for...

1.8The Real Zane Myers' Return

"Ssshe seemsssss like a good sssssacrificcccce!" It hissed.

"That's enough!" I yelled, my voice echoing through the room, "She tried to help me, but I refused. I won't let you kill her!"

With those words, the beast was forcefully exorcised from my body. I stood before it, clutching the sword given to me by the lady. I finally recognized her, the darkness no longer clouded my sight.

"Rose, are you alright?" I asked.

"You...you recognize me?" she cried, "You did it Zane, you no longer have to be that monster!"

"Rrroar!" the monstrousity growled.

The demon ran towards me, but I was ready. My light was as strong as its darkness. I swung my blade as the creature slashed with its sharp claws. Our blades clashed several times, before the demon finally got the upperhand, kicking my knee and slashing my face. Blood spurted from my face, but there was no cut. It was clear to me, the damage being caused wasn't physical at all, it was spiritual! The demon and I may have equal strength, but we aren't equal on a spiritual level.

My inner rage realized that it had the advantage. This was the start of a brutal offense, requiring all my might to block his attacks. Without the energy I once had, I was as good as dead.

"Zane, I can help," Rose called, "If we come in physical contact, I can give you energy."

I smashed the demon with the hilt of the blade, stunning it, giving me enough time to jump onto the ropes holding Rose. I had no time to cut her down, the creature was rising up. The only part of her body not covered in rope was her face. Looks like all my dreams were finally coming true. My face leaned closer to hers, she knew what was going on, but didn't fight it. The beast was about ready to leap when our lips came in contact. I felt a powerful light flowing through my body.

Leaping from the ropes, I met the beast in mid-air. The shining blade, glowing with energy of my spirit was slashing furiously. I ripped through the demon's skin three times. The beast fell to the ground, blood spurting from the cuts in his soul. Like always, I took the oppurtunity to land the final blow, straight into the demon's black heart. My inner evil had dissolved into dark specks.

"Zane, you did it!" Rose called happily, "That beast will never bother us again."

She was dead wrong. The dark specks echoed with demonic laughter. They started to form the figure of the demon. I knew what had to be done. I reached my glowing right hand and touched the smoke. The monster was absorbed through the red portal of my hand, and it re-entered my body. I jumped into the air and cut Rose free. We landed on the ground at the edge of the pit.

"Why did you do that?" she asked, "Now the beast is inside of you again."

"I had no choice," I replied, "I didn't want this monster free in the world."

I turned my attention to the empty throne. The Cavern Master had left. But, I was feeling like my old self. Rose and I returned to the boulder where I met Lucario. We searched for the Wave-Guiding Pokemon, I was finally ready to catch it. We found Lucario's body, drenched in a dark red liquid. A fine dagger was in its chest, I recognized the symbol as that of the Dark World. The Cavern Master had left his mark.

Suddenly, a glowing egg of light appeared. The egg burst open, revealing a minature version of Lucario. The small Pokemon had great evolution potential. I knew that this Riolu, was Lucario's re-incarnation.

1.9 The Final Battle

We stood at opposite ends of the cliff. I eyed the small blue Pokemon, analyzing its type. Only one Pokemon in my arsenal could have an obvious advantage over the tiny Pokemon. I knew I had to choose Charizard. The large red lizard burst from its Pokeball. The flaming tail was burning hot, it occurred to me that none of my Pokemon had any action since my first Cavern battle.

The small Pokemon rushed so fast, that Charizard and I had no time to react. It struck my Pokemon in the stomach and returned to its starting position. My Pokemon acted as if nothing had happened.

"Use Wing Attack," I commanded.

The large Pokemon's wings glowed white as it flew towards Riolu. The small Pokemon just stood there, waiting for the attack. As soon as one of the wings was about to slice through the Emanation Pokemon, it grabbed Charizard's neck and threw it back in the direction it came from. Riolu followed up the brilliantly-implemented Reversal with a Force Palm. It focused light energy into his hand and shot it at the injured lizard. The dragon struggled to its feet, crippled by paralysis.

"Charizard, you gotta use Earthquake," I told it with desperation.

The Pokemon jumped into the air and crashed into the ground. The earth under it cracked, pieces smashing into Riolu. The tiny Pokemon was dazed, lying in a grove of trees. I saw the perfect oppurtunity.

"Now, use Flamethrower," I yelled.

The large Fire-type exhaled a burning pyro at the Pokemon I wanted to catch. The flames came close to their mark, but were shielded off by a barrier of light. The crafty Riolu had used Detect to shield itself. Everything went according to plan. The flames set fire to the trees. Riolu prepared to launch another Force Palm that would end the battle. Suddenly, one of the burning trees fell. The small Fighting-type had to change its attack target to the tree. Several more trees fell towards Riolu. The small Pokemon had two choices: break them, or be crushed. Once all of the flaming trees were destroyed, Riolu was out of energy.

"Okay, end this with a Wing Attack!" I yelled in excitement.

Charizard once again took off. This time however, there was no way for Riolu to defend itself. The large dargon's wings cut through the Pokemon, knocking it unconscious. Riolu lied on the ground as I called back my Pokemon. I threw a red ball, which engulfed my hopeful addition in a white light. The ball clicked shut. I waited...one beep...two beeps...three beeps, and the ball...

Pokemon to be Captured: Riolu

The Jr Trainer
04-27-2008, 06:43 PM
Plot/Story:
Kevin turns into a demon after turning into an intern at a laboratory. He’s buckled over by a few punks and gets some form of acid fell onto him. Then he goes into some form of underground battling arena and kick butt of some seeming, famous guy. He is in peace, but is unpeaced by a girl, who runes into a forest. Lucario blocks him from catching her, after he runs after her. Kevin battles the Lucario for a bit. Then runs into a Riolu after. And combats it.

Interesting for sure. I liked it more than I like a lot of stories, kudos for that. The fighting part really, probably got me hooked in the beginning. People fighting each other in an arena, I have to say it sounded cliché at first, but as I read more and more I saw that is was no cliché, but very interesting and thought out and exciting.

Not only exciting and a good read, but it was also very romantic, sad, fun, angering to. It had a mood, I guess you could say. Which does help a lot considering how bland some stories are when it comes to that kind of thing. A mood of the story can really set up a good ending of a story, if you end it right. :P

I can’t say much more than that. I didn’t see anything horribly wrong with this. It was nice, sweet, fun, exciting and it flowed nicely. :D Good job, and good luck in the future.

Introduction:
This was good. It really did hook me on, and since you explained more of the story later in the story. I’m not worried about ranting on about you of making this more of what we graders like it to be. Since you obviously know what you’re doing. D:

Grammar/Spelling:
Not much wrong here. But there is some things I want to point out, but they weren’t really horribly bad and killing the story with their insane badness.

He(though it should be referred to as an 'it') followed up with a punch to the gut,
You want a space after “He” and before the parentheses. D:

"Uh...sure," I replied hesitantly.
You did this a lot too. Make sure you have a space after the ellipses.

Nothing else wrong for me. D:

Length:
Good enough for me if its good enough for you.

Detail:
This was rather vivid. I could picture most of everything. I really don’t know what to say that’s bad here, or rather, what you could improve on since I see nothing that you really could improve on, just remember to make everything be able to be felt, heard, seen, looked out through someone’s eyes and noses and ears and legs and pours and chickens. Everything that reads should be able to picture what something looks like. You even did, at times, describe Pokemon, which some people leave out since they assume everyone knows what the Pokemon look like.

Hmmm. You did, too, add in personalities to the characters, which again, most people leave out. They’re important sometimes, in this story they were, since Kevin was evil but good at the same time. So knowing his personality made him almost seem real. ^^;

Battle:
This was a bit short, though I understand since you had trouble with Riolu’s small move pool. It doesn’t get much, but you made it work with what you had. Something that I can stress though, is making the battle more like anime, dodging and not just going back and forth. Make it so both of them clash and smash into each other when ramming towards each other.

Alright, that’s all I can really say here. D:

Final Outcome:
Eh. This was a great story. You deserve the little thinger.

Riolu captured!

SuperSmashBrawl
05-27-2008, 06:02 PM
OOC: Yes, my 3rd story in the past 48 hours. Don't blame me, that Aerodactyl story got me pumped.

Part 2:Framed, the Black Mask Conspiracy

2.1 Murder in the valley

It was late at night. A young man was walking around Sakura Island, in search of nocturnal Pokemon. Rustling in the nearby bushes caught his attention. He turned around to find a figure draped in black wearing a black mask. The only thing you could see asily were the glowing red eyes of the mask. The figure drew a blade and cut the man into bloody pieces and ran off.

My name is Zane, Zane Myers. A week ago, I was altered by a strange expirement, battled in the Sinnoh Dark World, and struggled with being good, or being evil. My long, spiky, black hair hung down to my shoulders. My red eyes gleamed in the nighttime. I was wearing all black and my sword clinked as I walked. I was out late so I could meet with Rose. Unfortunately, something else occured, so I would be late for our quiet movie.

When I reached her porch, I knocked on the maple door. A young brown-eyed girl with long brown hair opened the door. She was wearing a pink nightgown. Rose yawned sleepily. I turned to the clock and noticed the time was nine-thirty, I was half an hour late.

"What took you so long?" She asked.

"I had some... business to attend to," I replied mysteriously.

"Oh well, you're here now, and that's what matters," she replied.

We watched our movie and soon fell asleep. At seven in the morning, the sun peeked in through the living room window. We woke up, got dressed and walked outside. The wind was blowing pink petals around. It was a normal day, until sirens began to cry. Rose and I ran to see what the commotion was about. A crime scene was set-up around a human body drenched in blood. The police explained a murder had occured, but gave us no details.

Trying to forget the gory display, we walked around the market. An angry man there noticed the gun I had in its holster and caused a scene.

"You aren't gonna rob my store," he yelled, swinging his broom at me.

"Hey old man! What's your problem?" I yelled, grabbing the broom and throwing it back.

"I see your gun!" he yelled, pointing at the black weapon in my holster, "I can't have a hooligan robbing my store! You're a punk and a thug!"

"Excuse me," I replied, staring the man down, "What gives you the right to call me a thug you old fart?"

''Zane, let's go," Rose said, pulling my arm.

"You better run!" the shopkeeper roared.

"Suck a hard candy old man," I yelled, leaving the market.

Rose and I made plans for later that night. We kissed and went our seperate ways. She had to run the flower shop, leaving me to explore a bit. In a few hours, it would be time for us to meet. The sun felt good on me, so I took a nap under a Cherry Blossom Tree. When I woke up, it was late at night. In a panic, I ran to Rose's house. I was five minutes late this time, but whatever.

The next day, we heard sirens again. This time, they came from the marketplace. When we got there, the commotion was louder than yesterday's event. One of the police officers from the crime scene in the forest turned to us, showed us the victim, it was the clerk from yesterday. He began his interrogation.

"Okay, this man was murdered at nine-twenty last night," the officer spoke, "Is there anybody you know that was out that late?"

"Zane was," Rose replied, turning to me, "He got to my house at nine-twenty five, but I live halfway across town you'd need... superhuman speed."

"Hmm... but this sounds like it was planned," the officer continued, his attention turned to me, "The victim would have to have had a fight, maybe an arguement with the murderer. Even then, the murderer would have to have a short fuse."

"Zane and the clerk were arguing," the local bookstore owner interrupted, "I saw them yesterday."

"Shut up! NOBODY ASKED YOU!" I yelled angrily, shutting up as soon as I realized I was fitting the profile.

"Hmm..." the officer sighed, writing on a notebook, "I notice you have a sword on your back, that was the murder weapon. In fact, you even have glowing red eyes. We have several anonymous witnesses who remember seeing a pair of red eyes fleeing the scene. I'm afraid we're gonna have to take you in."

"Zane, how could you?" Rose asked, a terrible look on her face.

"I didn't do anything," I replied.

I was looked in a small cell with a single cot. The blue door was designed to keep me from breaking out. Rose had explained the entire events of last week and they sentenced me to immediate Naturalization. Naturalization is the most humane death sentence. Scientists created a special cherry blossom seed that grows in seconds. The plant the seeds and water them, the tree grows and suffocates you, and it continues to feed on you like fertilizer. I was innocent, and I knew I had to prove it. My only hope rested in the evil monster I had barely gotten control of. If I let it take over, would it help or hinder me? There was only one way to find out.

2.2 Death Sentence

A group of pink trees lined an open field. These were the past victims of Naturalization. I was tied up and forced to stand in front of a crowd of everybody in town. They chanted as the seeds were buried by me feet. The time to unleash the beast was upon me. The water hit the seeds, large vines burst from the ground and wrapped around me. The tree fully formed and the branches already wore pink leaves. I had roughly one minute to free the monster and explode out of the tree.

Angry thoughts popped into my head. Soon, the rage was built up enough that I felt like I was gonna explode. Red lightning lined the inside of the trunk. My hair turned into black spikes and my skin turned grey. The beast's rage caused the tree to explode! Chunks of wooden cut several villagers. Using my incredible speed, I blew through the mob and into the forest in search of the real murderer.

By the time I was several miles away, I finally regained composure. Sitting down to breathe, I transformed back to normal. It was about noon, plenty of time for me to find the real murderer and clear my name. Little did I realize, the murderer had found me.

"Nice to finally meet you," a voice called out from a group of trees.

"Who's there?" I asked, rising to my feet and grabbing the sword resting on my back.

A figure dressed in black wearing a spherical helmet with glowing red eyeholes stepped out from behind the trees. This stranger had a slim sword in a black sheathe. The reports were right, all you would be able to see in the dark was a pair of glowing red eyes. He rushed towards me, drawing his blade. I quickly drew mine and blocked his slash. We were standing face-to-mask.

"I'll ask you again. Who are you?" I said, clenching my teeth.

"You can refer to me as Black Mask," the figure replied.

"It was you who framed me, wasn't it?" I replied.

"Yes," Black Mask said, snickering.

"Why?"

"Simple, I wanted revenge."

"Revenge for what?" I asked, applying pressure to his blade.

"YOU KILLED MY FATHER!" he yelled, swinging his sword wildly.

"What!?!" I yelled, dodging his swift movements, "I've never killed anybody in my life! Unlike some people."

"GREG CHARLES! HE WAS MY FATHER AND YOU KILLED HIM! NOW I'M GONNA RUIN YOUR LIFE LIKE YOU DID TO ME. THAT'S WHY I KILLED THOSE PEOPLE!" Black Mask roared in pure anguish.

The masked figure spun around, swinging his blade in a three-hundred sixty degree angle. I blocked his strike, but it left me wide open for his next slash. The sword cut through my skin, splattering blood everywhere. I fell to the ground clenching my wound. Before I could bring myself up, Black Mask had vanished. That was two problems I had to worry about. First, my best friends wanted to kill me, and second, Black Mask's wound left me crippled.

Leaning my back against a tree, I heard a soft squish. I managed to turn my head enough to see berry juices drip down the tree. Suddenly, a brown bug jumped out of the tree, threatening me with its claws. Normally, a pest like Nincada would easily be swatted, but due to the wound I recieved, I barely had the energy to throw out a Pokeball. A small blue dog-like creature standing on two legs popped out of the red orb. Riolu was caught fresh from the wild, making him my most independent Pokemon. I knew he wouldn't rely on me to tell him what to do.

I rested my head on the tree. Riolu swung an arm at Nincada, shooing it away. The bug shot out a thread from its abdomen that latched onto the tree. It used that to slowly float to the ground. The Emanation Pokemon rushed the bug, but it was too fast. Nincada buried into the ground, out of Riolu's range. The Fighting-type looked around frantically.

Suddenly, the bug leapt out of the ground and hacked off Riolu's ear with a furious slash. Before the small Pokemon had a chance to react, Nincada was underground again. I was beginning to succumb to the pain of Black Mask's slash. I knew Riolu could learn the move capable of saving him.

"E... arthq-q-uake," I gasped.

My cries were heard in vain. Riolu was too far away and I was too weak to call out attacks. Nincada burst out of the ground and slashed the blue dog. Before the bug could return to the safety of the dirt however, Riolu grabbed one of its six legs and flung it into the air. The small, scrappy Pokemon followed the insect upwards, his leg burning with the fire passion of youth. A glorious flip carrying the heat of Apollo's Chariot struck the Nincada dead center. The bug was able to stagger back to its feet and fire a final String Shot before crashing into the dirt. The bug's fighting spirit was incredible. So I took the last of my energy to throw a Pokeball. I was falling asleep. If I survived this major wound, Nincada would make a good addition to the team. The sphere twitched once, twice, and jerked violently. Nincada was...

Pokemon to Catch: Nincada
Characters Needed: 5k-10k

-Pichu Boy-
06-01-2008, 04:33 PM
*grabs*

I'm running out of ideas on what to say when I claim a story xD

Limelight
06-02-2008, 09:46 PM
I just finished reading it, Magic, Emma told me I could grade this because you can only claim one story at once :)

I just finished reading it, Magic, Emma told me I could grade this because you can only claim one story at once :)


Introduction/Plot: Zane Myers, a young boy who is late for a date with a girl named Rose gets to her house a half an hour late. They watch a movie all through the night, but then in the morning, the wake up to hear the continuous bleating of sirens. A murder scene has appeared, a man that Zane had gotten in a row with had been murdered, Zane is blamed and is nearly killed. He meets the real killer in a forest, but is hacked open, and then runs into a Nincada.

First of all; work on providing a summary of some sort, long or short, just so we can get a good idea of what's just after happening in the last chapter. Because unlike some people, I'm lazy.

Like a lot of stories, it starts off with a pretty creative plot, I love when people use the whole 'murder' thing in their stories (I'm using it in one of mine :x). It really adds a gory side to the story, but the plot would have been a lot more effective if you started the story with something like ... 'The night was heavy with death', it really would of provided a hook to the story. But towards the end, the story became quite dull in my opinion, after a really good plot, it turned to the really unoriginal 'kid goes into forest and finds Pokemon etc' thing. I was a tad disappointed at the end because of it, especially when the story looked really good at the start.

I also would have liked to known about Rose a little more. You didn't really describe her either, I have a friend named Rose, so when I see that name, I think that's what she looks like from the story. Her character was pretty flat and had no personality at all to be quite honest. It disappointed me as well, because Zane's character in this showed no emotions or any sign of sensitivity in this story either. Just remember to keep a strong plot strong all the way to the end.

Length: You did well here, nearly over the limit, so good job here. No complaints, just remember that it's alright to go over the limit, as readers and graders are glad to see a little extra effort.

Grammar/Spelling: This was quite a strong area, you really need to watch for typos though. In the stories I've graded for you, nearly one-hundred percent of your mistakes are typos. Please remember to proofread a couple of times to catch out typos, and that you don't let whatever program your using (ex. Microsoft Word, WordPerfect) correct all the mistakes for you, because it doesn't catch all of them out. And if you get stuck on a word or something, as a friend to help out with it.

My red eyes gleamed in the nighttime.

I believe that 'nighttime' isn't all one word, there should be a space. (Night Time[/size)

I was altered by a strange expirement, battled in the Sinnoh Dark World,

Experiment is spelled 'experiment', not 'expirement'.

Unfortunately, something else occured, so I would be late for our quiet movie.

'Occured' should have two [r's] in it. ([size=1]Occurred)

We kissed and went our seperate ways.

'Seperate' should be 'separate'.

The victim would have to have had a fight, maybe an arguement with the murderer.

You don't need the extra 'e' after 'u' in argument.

Normally, a pest like Nincada would easily be swatted, but due to the wound I recieved,

'Recieved' is wrong. I'll go over the poem with you :)

I before E except after C ...

Keep that in mind, those were all the major typos I found, well done ;]

Description/Detail: I had mixed feelings about this again; I mean, you started off with really rich description, but then it melted to become very dry. But you provided suffice information for a Pokémon of the Simple category. Remember to keep your description as accurate and vivid as possible, when you described the Pokémon it was very bland. Riolu is a dog, yes; but Riolu's a dog which stands on two feet and has a blue, racoon-like mask across his face. Also, for Nincada, you just gave us the description, 'the brown bug Pokémon'. That was really blunt in my opinion, it's only a dull shade of brown also, why not try throwing in some things like 'he had long, slate grey pinchers poking out of his small face' or something. Putting in a little description for the surroundings work too.

Rose; she was the character who left really bare, we never got even any aspects of her described, she was a really flat and dry character in all, and she was pretty dull and boring to me. Also, when you describe someone, try and make it flow with the story, and not be mashed together in a big clod of writing like a role-play sign-up. The description becomes really tedious when you do that, so try and stay away from it.

Battle: It wasn't up to par, unfortunatley, I felt it was too short and boring to be a battle. It was quite dull too. I know Riolu doesn't have much of a movepool, but he has enough moves to take part in a fully fleshed battle. Even using the surroundings once or twice, or describing the attacks a little more would help out majorly, I was pretty dissapointed to be honest. Or even maybe having Riolu or Nincada struggling at some time, even to bring a little suspense to the story.

Outcome: I was pretty dissapointed with this story, mainly because the characters were pretty flat and the battle was quite dull. Nincada not captured! Just make sure to give background to Rose, describe her, maybe add a summary, and please, please lengthen the battle up a little.

SuperSmashBrawl
06-03-2008, 04:50 AM
I just finished reading it, Magic, Emma told me I could grade this because you can only claim one story at once :)

I just finished reading it, Magic, Emma told me I could grade this because you can only claim one story at once :)


Introduction/Plot: Zane Myers, a young boy who is late for a date with a girl named Rose gets to her house a half an hour late. They watch a movie all through the night, but then in the morning, the wake up to hear the continuous bleating of sirens. A murder scene has appeared, a man that Zane had gotten in a row with had been murdered, Zane is blamed and is nearly killed. He meets the real killer in a forest, but is hacked open, and then runs into a Nincada.

First of all; work on providing a summary of some sort, long or short, just so we can get a good idea of what's just after happening in the last chapter. Because unlike some people, I'm lazy.

Like a lot of stories, it starts off with a pretty creative plot, I love when people use the whole 'murder' thing in their stories (I'm using it in one of mine :x). It really adds a gory side to the story, but the plot would have been a lot more effective if you started the story with something like ... 'The night was heavy with death', it really would of provided a hook to the story. But towards the end, the story became quite dull in my opinion, after a really good plot, it turned to the really unoriginal 'kid goes into forest and finds Pokemon etc' thing. I was a tad disappointed at the end because of it, especially when the story looked really good at the start.

I also would have liked to known about Rose a little more. You didn't really describe her either, I have a friend named Rose, so when I see that name, I think that's what she looks like from the story. Her character was pretty flat and had no personality at all to be quite honest. It disappointed me as well, because Zane's character in this showed no emotions or any sign of sensitivity in this story either. Just remember to keep a strong plot strong all the way to the end.

Length: You did well here, nearly over the limit, so good job here. No complaints, just remember that it's alright to go over the limit, as readers and graders are glad to see a little extra effort.

Grammar/Spelling: This was quite a strong area, you really need to watch for typos though. In the stories I've graded for you, nearly one-hundred percent of your mistakes are typos. Please remember to proofread a couple of times to catch out typos, and that you don't let whatever program your using (ex. Microsoft Word, WordPerfect) correct all the mistakes for you, because it doesn't catch all of them out. And if you get stuck on a word or something, as a friend to help out with it.



I believe that 'nighttime' isn't all one word, there should be a space. (Night Time[/size)



Experiment is spelled 'experiment', not 'expirement'.



'Occured' should have two [r's] in it. ([size=1]Occurred)



'Seperate' should be 'separate'.



You don't need the extra 'e' after 'u' in argument.



'Recieved' is wrong. I'll go over the poem with you :)

I before E except after C ...

Keep that in mind, those were all the major typos I found, well done ;]

Description/Detail: I had mixed feelings about this again; I mean, you started off with really rich description, but then it melted to become very dry. But you provided suffice information for a Pokémon of the Simple category. Remember to keep your description as accurate and vivid as possible, when you described the Pokémon it was very bland. Riolu is a dog, yes; but Riolu's a dog which stands on two feet and has a blue, racoon-like mask across his face. Also, for Nincada, you just gave us the description, 'the brown bug Pokémon'. That was really blunt in my opinion, it's only a dull shade of brown also, why not try throwing in some things like 'he had long, slate grey pinchers poking out of his small face' or something. Putting in a little description for the surroundings work too.

Rose; she was the character who left really bare, we never got even any aspects of her described, she was a really flat and dry character in all, and she was pretty dull and boring to me. Also, when you describe someone, try and make it flow with the story, and not be mashed together in a big clod of writing like a role-play sign-up. The description becomes really tedious when you do that, so try and stay away from it.

Battle: It wasn't up to par, unfortunatley, I felt it was too short and boring to be a battle. It was quite dull too. I know Riolu doesn't have much of a movepool, but he has enough moves to take part in a fully fleshed battle. Even using the surroundings once or twice, or describing the attacks a little more would help out majorly, I was pretty dissapointed to be honest. Or even maybe having Riolu or Nincada struggling at some time, even to bring a little suspense to the story.

Outcome: I was pretty dissapointed with this story, mainly because the characters were pretty flat and the battle was quite dull. Nincada not captured! Just make sure to give background to Rose, describe her, maybe add a summary, and please, please lengthen the battle up a little.
Meh, no problem. I deemed this story Dead on Arrival, there was no fun factor. I'll catch Nincada elsewhere. Thanks for the grade.