View Full Version : [The Egg Escapade]

04-15-2008, 09:07 AM
[The Egg Escapade]

[b]Chapter 1

The sky is shining a green-blue tint, without a single cloud in the sky. Emily, my best friend, walks by my side. I pull out my shining polished pokeball and summon Ralts.

“Perfect weather. Ready for our training session Ralts?”

I turn to Ralts, and he simply turns his head in wonder. I laugh, and continue walking down the gravel path, looking for some tall grass.

“Someday Raltsy, we’re going to take over the world.” I chuckle, and I swear I see Ralts shrug at me, but then shake the thought from my head. Emily walks past, zoning out. I have a huge crush on her, but she doesn't know. I think.

“For now though, we need to evolve you so I can defeat mom!” I say, to break the awkward silence.

"What's so special 'bout beating your mom?" Emily asks.

"Well... it'll be my first gym battle." I smile and flick my hair. She just shrugs.

I look out into the distance, and see a wild Geodude.

“Ready Ralts? Oh wait – let’s take an inventory check.”

I take my pack of my back. The zipper is open – and the pack is empty. Feeling like an idiot, I conjure a lie for Ralts.

“Crap! Aw man Ralts; we forgot to bring some potions. What’re we going to do now? Now we’re off track of our schedule.” I frown, looking through my empty bag, hoping to somehow magically find something, even though I know I wont.

I turn, and see Ralts’ eyes turning purple. At first, I think he’s evolving, but then I remember the time my moms Riolu evolved and how it looked, and this looked totally different. Ralts walks over to me, touches me, and suddenly I see the world fade.

Weightless. Whiteness. I feel nothing.

Chapter 2

Suddenly, I thud on the ground.

“What the hell, Ralts?” He simply does the shrug thing to me again. Emily's nowhere in sight.

"Crap..." I sigh, and then run to Professor Rowan’s lab for answers.

I see my mom, and stop for a second to see what she’s doing. She’s sporting her battle outfit – she had her blue and black spots top with sweatpants, and her signature blue gloves. Her hair was pointing downwards. She looks sulky. “Oh god, not again. Whenever she loses this happens,” I say to Ralts. That’s the funny thing about mom; sometimes you could read her emotions just by looking at her hair. If it was pointing up, she was excited, happy, or joyful. If it was pointing downwards, she was probably sad or disappointed.

What I mean by “Whenever she loses this happens” is that my mom always gets down when she loses. She loses her confidence as a gym leader and refuses to take battles for a while. I usually have to resolve it by letting her beat me - that was the main reason she even gave me Ralts in the first place.

I remember what I'm doing and take off towards Prof. Rowan’s.

“Hey Prof, it’s me Zach! I’ve got news ‘bout Ralts!”

“Calm down Zach, calm down! I’m coming, jeez," his voice is big and powerful. I can't tell where his voice is coming from.

“It’s really important Prof, come on!” I urge him to come faster.

He shows up in the doorway and jogs over to me. He looks a bit funky jogging with his brown lab jacket. His hair is a perfect white, but I never dared ask if it was always like that.

“Prof, I was out in the wild with Ralts, and then his eyes turned purple and we went to this white place and it was weird and then we were –“

“Ap bap bap – what did I tell you about run on sentences?” he smiles at me, like we'd gone through this a thousand times.

“Aw fine. Here’s the story. I was looking through my pack and I couldn’t find my potions, so I told Ralts we had none. Then his eyes turned purple! He walked over to me, touched me, and 10 seconds later we were in Veilstone," I look at him wearily for some answers.

“Oh, that’s simple. Ralts learned Teleport! It’s used mainly as a defense mechanism," he turns, looking at his desk, "you can use it in battle to get away from wild Pokemon. But sometimes, when Ralts feels like it mind you, it’ll take you over to the nearest city.”

“Whaddya’ mean if he feels like it?” I inquire. Ralts never had problems listening to me before.

“Teleport is an instinct triggered ability – he’ll only use it if he feels that you need it. So sometimes, even if you ask him to, he wont do it!” He explains, knowingly. Sometimes I feel that Prof’s “all-knowing” mindset is annoying, but he’s always helpful nonetheless.

“Whatever Prof, it’s cool. Wanna see my Pokedex? I’ve caught a few new Pokemon.” I pull it out of my pocket, grinning with excitement. Whenever I catch some new pokemon, I show them to the Prof to see if any of them are strong.

He examines it for a bit, and then hands it back to me.

“Pretty interesting," is all he says. I give him a confused look.

“Yeah yeah, that’s what you say every time. Do you know if any of these are actually worth catching?” I ask in desperation. I haven't actually gotten any new pokemon yet, since I always ask the Prof if they are strong or not.

“Well, frankly, no. These are all going to be pretty weak, even at their highest stage,” and that, was what he always says/

“Aw man. When am I going to find some strong Pokemon? I’ve been looking for days now!” I say, frustrated.

“Well Zach, you have been working hard. I guess I could give you another Pokemon.”

“Really? Where?” I say, suddenly elated.

He leads me through the doorway, going into a back room. I’d never seen this place before. It’s like a huge computer lab, full of machines that look state of the art, like some kind of sci-fi movie or TV program.

“This, Zach, is the Breeding section of the lab. This is where I experiment with eggs.”

“Experiment? What do you mean?” I ask. He is starting to sound like a mad scientist to me.

“I put eggs in different environments and see how the turn out. I also see the differences between two eggs from the same parents. But you see, every now and then, a little something goes wrong – no, it doesn’t go wrong, but there’s a specific gene that mutates. This mutation creates a "special" Pokemon every time," He turns, facing a screen on the wall. Statistics stream through the screen, too hard for me to understand.

“Mutated Pokemon? Sounds pitiful.” I say. I don’t want a messed up Pokemon.

“Actually, these Pokemon can grow quite strong. Seriously, I’ve trained one. As a matter of fact, the reason it's "special" is because it's individual values - otherwise known as IVs, are a certain amount. This amount is very high.”

“Eh, fine. Hand it over," I reply. At this point, I don't really care anymore.

“Actually, here’s the thing. I’ve developed a way to actually identify which eggs match the criteria to be a special Pokemon. Therefore, I will give you an egg with the mutated gene,” he says, grinning at me, “and you can learn how to keep the egg safe while abroad. It will hatch and there ya’ go, you’ll have your Pokemon.”

“God Prof, always making things complicated for me. Fine, I’ll take it," putting my heads behind my head, trying to express how I felt about this whole thing, "by the way, what’s the name of this mutated Pokemon anyway?” I ask. He’s always secretive about these things, like he’s playing some kind of game with me.

“You’ll find out yourself. When it hatches, just scan it with the Pokedex,” he says, typing some code into the computer, “just to add a bit of extra incentive.”

“Fine Prof, fine. Have it your way.” I scoff, kind of disappointed.

A big screen opens to the right of me, and there is an egg. It is purple, and it seems to be hovering. It is covered with uneven brown and green stripes.

“It’s all yours, bucko,” Prof says to me.

I take it in my hands.

"Heavier than it looks, Prof," I say to him. Why couldn't he have given me a smaller mutated Pokemon? I dismiss it, and tuck it into my backpack.

“Don’t lose that thing!” Prof says as I’m walking out.

I don’t bother turning around, I just give him a little shake of my hand in the air.

"Zach!" I hear from behind me. I turn, looking. I don't see anyone, but I already know it's Emily. I sigh, fix my collar, and walk towards her with a fake sort of confidence.

Chapter 3

The egg is heavy.

Really heavy – so heavy I have to stop and take a long rest every mile or so. It was slowing down my training with Ralts, and I got way behind Emily too since she got tired of waiting for me so much. The tall grass is really hard to traverse, and the sun has been beating down on my neck. Luckily for me, it's getting dark. We venture into the forest for a bit of shade anyway.

“Ralts, why don’t you just hurry up and evolve already. Training’s getting boring.” I say to him, in a half-joking, half-not way.

He tilts his head a bit, and then turns away. Good ol’ Ralts.

I look over, past the flurry of trees, and see some commotion going on.

“Shut up, kid. You can’t do anything about our plans, so move out of the way!” I hear.

“No way, I won’t let you hurt these innocent Pokemon!” I hear a younger voice yell.

“GO, NUZLEAF!” I hear a female voice say. “GO MANKEY!” I hear the other one yell.

“Uh oh. Chimchar, let’s do it!” the Pokemon nods.

I peer through the grass, watching. The boy has black hair, and a purple cape. He's a bit taller than me. He looks kind of... geeky. He has a Chimchar out, which seems to be the one battling. “He dresses like my mom!” I think for a second, laughing, but my thought gets interrupted by the next Pokemon’s attack.

“NUZLEAF, RAZOR LEAF!” says the woman. I stick my head out farther and see that she is a burly, dark skinned woman. She has dark dreadlocks, with incredibly ugly pink highlights. I practically gag.

“NUUUUUUUZZZZ!” the Nuzleaf cries raucously. I pull out my Pokedex, smiling but scared.

The brown figure bends backwards, and sends a flurry of golden leaves straight for it's opponent.

“Chimchar, dodge it, quick!” The trainer seems to be very confident in his pokemon.

I barely see the Chimchar jump up because of its amazing speed, faster than any Pokemon I’d ever seen. It leaps up at the last second, leaving a barrage of gold blasting the floor where it was standing. Nonetheless, one of the leaves connects with its foot, sending it face forward to the hard ground.

“Are ya’ okay Chimchar? Good! Flamethrower!”

This is the amazing part. Chimchar opens its mouth as big as it can, and then a huge blast of streaming fire comes out. I watch as Arbok gets incinerated, and faints.

“Crap. Nick, quick, do something!” The female grunt says.

“W-What do I do, what do I do!” The male says. He has a shirt with a G on it. I recognize it as Team Irre. Rumors tell that they steal pokemon and do horrible things to them to get money.

Then, I hear a strange, raspy voice.

“Tell Mankey to use thrash or something!" coming from the grunts.

This is when I noticed the small, Pokemon in the corner. I put the Pokedex up to it.

“Buneary – The Rabbit Pokemon. It slams foes by sharply uncoiling its rolled ears. It stings enough to make a grown-up cry in pain.”

“A Pokemon that can talk?” I accidentally say aloud in surprise.

The boy hears me, and turns towards me.

“You, in the bushes. Show yourself!” He tries to act tough, but I can hear the fear in his voice.

I jump out, Ralts standing next to me. “Need a hand?” I ask. He seems to be the 'good guy' in the situation.

“Go ahead, pal.” He grins, happy to see I’m on his side. I put down my bag and signal Ralts to get in attacking position.

“Ralts, CONFUSION ON THAT MANKEY!” I yell, excited to finally have something interesting happening.

Ralts' eyes turn purple, and he raises his arms. Energy in the form of a small ball appears.

The grunt tries to tell his Pokemon to do something, but it’s too late. The ball disappears from Ralts' hands, Mankey buckles, and is sent whirling to the ground.

“Mankey, get up! Focus Punch! I said Focus Punch you idiot!” The male grunt tries to get its attention.

Finally, the Mankey stands back up, but instead of using Focus Punch, its confusion causes it to use Scartch, on the grunt. It looks kind of painful to me, but the grunt is more annoyed than in pain by the looks of it.

“Cmon’ Nick, stop foolin’ around!” The Buneary exclaims.

Nick, head still being scratched inccessantly, reaches for his pocket and takes Mankey back into its pokeball. He throws another pokeball out, and a little pink Pokemon comes. I hold up my Pokedex, but it’s too quick to scan.

“Mime Jr. quick, do something!” I'm lost in the flurry of craziness.

The ‘Mime Jr.’ runs fast as a bullet over to Ralts. It starts mimicking its movements. Ralts is slightly annoyed by this, turning around and ignoring it. The Pokemon dashes over to my feet. I don’t realize what’s happening until it’s already underway – the Pokemon runs behind me and picks up my bag. The bag with the egg in it!
“Hey, stop! Give that back!” I yell desperately.

“Chimchar, Flamethrower, one more time!” The boy exclaims.

The Flamethrower is even more powerful this time, but the Mime Jr. dodges it. The team runs away into the forest, taking my bag... but more importantly, the egg.

“Well, that was a pretty boring battle… Hey, you okay?” the boy asks me.

“Well, actually, my bag got stolen, and I had something very precious inside of it. An egg,” I say, sulking.

“Let’s get it back then! That was Team Irre. The girl is named Anna and the guy is Nick. They’re no problem if we tag-team them. We’ll get your bag back in no time!” he says, grinning.

My spirits raised, I join him in a jog towards where Team Irre ran off.

Chapter 4

Walking through the forest, I could have sworn something was watching us. I don't feel particularly frightened by it, as one might expect. It's more weird than creepy.

The forest is damp. I can feel a soft breeze, and I see the sun slowly setting. I wonder in my mind how the egg is faring, and feel extremely bad. I try to take my mind off of it by examining the forest ground. It’s covered in lavish, dark-green roots. They are strong enough for me to step on. I hear birds chirping in the distance, and notice the mountains in the far horizon. The peaks are covered in ice. I wonder what Pokemon could possibly live there.

“Have you ever wondered if there’s more to life than just living and battling Pokemon?” I say, trying to spark conversation.

“Sometimes I do. But I realize that maybe that’s what we’re intended to do – it’s Nature,” he replies in his always happy tone. He turns to his Nuzleaf and smiles.
“Do you ever wonder… if maybe you do become a Pokemon master one day…”

“What would you do after that?” taking the words right out of my mouth.

“Yeah, exactly,” I get more curious now.

“Well, I think someday, if I become a Pokemon master, I’ll save the world from evil people like Team Graze. I’ll use my power to create balance in the world,” he replies.

“Wow, that’s pretty amazing of you. I’ve always pondered what that would be like, being the strongest trainer ever,” I reply somewhat solemnly.
He doesn’t say anything.

We continue walking the forest, and the night creeps up on us faster than we expected.

I try to spark some more talk with him.

“How come Nuzleaf is never in a Pokeball?” I ask.

“Doesn't like Pokeballs, so I let him walk with me,” he replies.

I don’t know how to respond to that, so I just stop talking.

The sun is setting and I don’t know what our plan is.

“I don’t think we can go much further,” I say.

“Well, let’s keep going a bit. I bet Team Graze’s getting tired too and will set up camp near, and we can track them down so we don’t lose ‘em,” he replies.

“Good idea – uh… what did you say your name was?” I ask, suddenly forgetting.

“I didn’t. The names Ben,” he replies.

“Cool name. If I haven’t said so already, I’m Zach. Glad to meet ya’!” I reply, trying to be friendly.

“Cool. Now let’s find Team Graze,” he says in a serious tone. I shut up after that.

The mountains in the distance have disappeared from sight, because the trees block them. I can still see the icy peaks, imagining how cold it could be over there. The sun has set, but there is a bit of orange left in the sky.

“Man, where could those Graze’s have run off to?” Ben says in his more familiar upbeat tone.

I feel a wiggling in my Pokemon belt. I send out Ralts from its Pokeball.

“What’re ya’ up to, Ralts?” it ignores me, and doesn’t respond. It’s eyes turn purple, just like that afternoon.

“Hey, wait, what’re you doing?” I yell. It comes over, touches both Ben and me, and I feel the familiar feeling of weightlessness, being sent into the white abyss.

04-15-2008, 09:11 AM
Chapter 5

Ben and I wake up on the floor in front of a huge cement building. Ralts is back in its Pokeball and Nuzleaf is sitting next to Ben, looking bewildered. We still seem to be in the forest, but in a different part. The trees are taller and the atmosphere feels… scarier.

I turn around and get a good look at the building. There’s a big Z on the front – I recognize that one, Team Zenome. They were even more legendary than Team Graze, they basically controlled the world with their evil plots. But then a trainer defeated their leader and they slowly dissipated. I'd love to have met that trainer, but I put away the thought.

The building itself is a plain gray, with many chimneys at the top, giving off tons of smoke. There are a few windows, but they are all the way at the top, which I guess is about 3 stories up.

“Well Ben, I guess this is where our friends Team Graze came over to,” I exclaim.

“Let’s go in and take a look!” he says, adventurously.

The door isn’t locked, so I push it open. The lights are on, but the chair labeled “SECURITY” is empty. There’s no one at the front desk. The place seems deserted.

“Maybe they’re all asleep or something,” Ben says.

“Why would they leave their establishment unguarded –“ I’m cut off before I can finish my sentence.

“SHHH!” Ben covers my mouth and pulls me behind the counter.

Footsteps approach. Louder and louder, and I hear voices.

“It’s your turn for security!”

“No, it’s your turn you lazy ass!”

They continue bickering. Ben and I stay silent.

They walk away, apparently neither of them wanted to do the job.

“I guess they’re too afraid of the dark!” I joked, but Ben didn’t laugh.

“We’re going to have to be careful. There are probably more of them roaming the halls,” Ben says quietly.

“Alright, let’s do it,” I respond with a whisper.

We get up, and scan the hallway in front of us. It seems to be pretty straightforward, no side halls or anything. There’s an occasional door too. The whole place seems incredibly creepy though, like some kind of asylum, because of the eerie emptiness. Every step I take feels like I’m in some kind of ghost town.
We follow the halls and reach a staircase.

“Now what? Up?” I ask.

He doesn’t respond, he starts up the stairs slowly and motions me to come.

At the top, I see Team Graze. They have their backs turned to us.

“What the hell is happening to this dumb egg?” Anna replies.

“It’s hatching!” the Buneary exclaims with his funny accent.

I see a white glow coming from in front of them. I hear a cry.


"What the... what the hell is wrong with the colors of this thing?" Nick says.

"No time, James. Let's get a move on!" Anna yells. I think she's the leader of the group.

Then all I hear is the sound of Team Graze's footsteps dashing off to another hall.

“Damn it, they got away,” Ben says, “and by the way, your egg, I think it's an Abra!”

“An Abra...” I reply, but he’s already off tracing Team Graze’s footsteps.

Chapter 6

We tip-toe past a couple of sleeping guards.

“This is TOO easy!” Ben says, grinning huge.

“I know! Getting Abra back is going to be a cinch,” I reply.

We walk past a few doors, making sure no one in them could see us through the little windows by bending down directly below them.

“Cmon Buneary, the elevator is going to leave without ‘cha!” I hear Anna exclaim, laughing.

“Oh shut up and let me in already!” Buneary sounds annoyed, which amuses me a bit.

We follow the sound to a corner. I look around and see Buneary being held by Nick’s foot to not let him in.

“Quick, Nuzleaf, Bullet Seed on those Team Graze idiots!” Ben says.

“Wait, no, stop! They have Abra! If you hurt them, you’ll hit Abra too, and I don’t want it to get hurt,” I say, jumping in front of Nuzleaf.

“Hey, it’s that twerp again!” I hear Nick say. I must’ve jumped into their line of sight, “Quick, close the elevator!”

I run over but I’m too late, the doors are closed when I reach it. I slam my fist into the metallic sliding doors. I’d lost Abra again.

“We NEED to get up to Team Graze, NOW!” I say to Ben, demandingly.

“Listen Mr. Bossy, I volunteered to help you, I’m not your servant, and I could leave whenever I’d like if I wanted,” he replies to me in a threatening sort of way.
Suddenly I came back to my sense. I apologize and push the elevator button.

I try pacing back and forth, but that causes me to get even more stressed, so I sit down, feeling lightheaded about the whole situation.

The doors finally open and we walk in.

“Hmm okay… F3 is our destination floor. Please fasten your seatbelts and enjoy the ri-,” Ben gets interrupted by the amazingly fast jerk of the elevator.

“Silly kids. You really thought you could infiltrate this establishment?” a female voice says from the speaker in the ceiling, “well you were WRONG. If you want your precious Pokemon back, come back and FIGHT me for it! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

“Looks like we’re in for more than we thought, Zach,” Ben says, gripping the handlebars.

Before I can say anything back to him, the doors fly open, and there stands a woman with sharp blue hair.

Chapter 7

When I say sharp, I mean literally, they were pointed upwards on two sides. She’s wearing a white top with dark brown sleeves, and dark brown pants. We are in a gigantic room, like a gym without all the utilities. Team Graze is shaking in horror in the corner.

I see Abra for the first time. I don't notice anything different about him... so I put the pokedex up to him.

A picture comes up.

"Abra - the Psi Pokemon. It sleeps for 18 hours a day. Even when awake, it teleports itself while remaining seated."

I compare the Abra in the Pokedex with my Abra. That's when I notice - my Abra is about 3 times brighter. Like it's shining.

“I’m Saturn of Team Zenome. You want this stupid Abra? Well then, battle it!” she says, “Feel free to throw your wimpy Pokeballs at any time – I don’t care for it anyway since it’s such CRAP! I don't give a **** if it's shiny or not!”

“Shut up, dirtbag!” I yell, and I pull out Ralts.

"Zach, you never told me it was a shiny Pokemon!" Ben said.

"Hmm... this must be what the Prof meant by mutated... Shiny...?" I put the thought aside.

“Cmon Ralts, do your thing!” and I summon him out.

“Pikachu, come he-.” I interrupt him.

“Ben, this is my Abra, please, let me battle it,” I say. He nods.

“Ralts, I need you to play easy, okay? This is your friend, he’s just being controlled by an evil trainer,” I say to Ralts, “Use confusion!”

Ralts jumps in the air and his eyes glow blue, and he sends a energy stream towards Abra. The air shifts and rumbles. It’s about to collide, and I cringe…

“Abra, use Fire Punch, NOW!” Saturn exclaims. Suddenly Abra's hand catches fire, and he pulls his arm back. When the Confusion is about to hit, he thrusts...

The Fire Punch and the Confusion explode into a huge flaming purple mist. My eyes water up.

“It must’ve learned that move from it’s Poke-parents,” I hear Ben say, “Be wary, it might have some surprises for you!”

“Ralts, try another Confusion! Don’t hold back!” I yell to him. I know that Abra is the real deal now.

Ralts jumps back, and once again sends a blue energy beam flying towards Abra.

“Abra, use Psychic!” Saturn says, “Heh, a little something I call a TM taught your little baby that move. Wait and see how powerful it is!”

Abra’s arms turn a bright purple-blue, and suddenly there’s a huge explosion. Suddenly, everything becomes fogged.

“I can’t see –cough- anything! Ralts, are you okay? Ralts? RALTS?” I desperately call for him.

The fog has only become worse. I feel lightheaded, like I’m about to collapse.

“Must be the chemic… chem… c…” I can’t finish my sentence.

“Staravia, come out and use Gust and clear this fog!”


There is a huge gust, and everything is clear.

Ralts is lying on the floor, fainted. I look up - Abra looks damaged, but still in fighting condition. I turn my attention back to Ralts. Guilt surges over me.

“Oh no, Ralts! I’m so sorry! I’ll take you back to a Pokemon Center to be healed as soon as possible, I promise!” I'm on the verge of crying. I hug him and I send him back in his Pokeball for a well deserved rest.

“Zach, please, use Staravia to finish this battle. Catch your Abra back!” Ben then instructs Staravia, and it nods.

“Okay… Staravia, give it a Wing attack! Go!”

Staravia soars high and then swoops down to smack Abra in the face. But as it’s swooping down, Saturn punches it, and it goes off course into a bookshelf.

“HAHAHAHA… that felt so great. What a wimpy **** pokemon you have there. HAHAHAHAHAHAAA!” she laughs at her cruelty.

“What the HELL was that for?” I exclaim, realizing I didn’t want to hear the answer. I look over to the bookshelf. Staravia had already gotten up, a trickle of blood coming from it's mouth.

“It’s okay Staravia, she’s a rotten cheater. Let’s try BRAVE BIRD!”

Stravia buckles to the floor, opens its wings, and propels itself at insane speeds towards Abra.

“Abra, quick, do a Psychic!” Saturn bellows.

Abra smiles at the speeding bird, then it’s arms glow and turn blue…

Chapter 8

There is an explosion.

I’m thrown back onto the floor, and then pushed into the wall. I hit my head and only barely am I staying in consciousness. I look up. The red mist slowly fades out. Staravia is down on the ground, and it isn’t moving.

“Damnit Staravia...” I look over to my right, and Ben is unconscious, “Ben… I’m sorry… this is all my fault…”

My rage takes over. I stand up with new energy. Crazed with adrenalin, I look at Saturn.

“Damn you Saturn. You can hurt me, but you can’t hurt my friends. I… hate… you… so… *******… MUCH!” I yell at her.

I run over to her. She is conscious, but weak. She smiles at me evilly. I pull back to punch her…

But I restrain. I know that if I sink to that level, I am as bad as her.

I turn around, and see Abra. Somehow the Psychic attack prevented it from being fainted, but it looked weak and drained.

From behind me, I heard, “Abra, use a Psychic attack on this **** kid! NOW!”

Before I can think, Abra’s arms light a familiar blue…

“WAIT, ABRA, PLEASE… please…”

It looks at me, puzzling.

“Abra… you are being used… for evil. Please. Please don’t hurt me. Heck, use your attack on me, just please don’t let these… barbarians… control you like some kind of puppet!”

It stares intently at me.

“You weren’t made to be a killing machine! Pokemon are our ALLIES – not our servants…”

“Silly child, do you think it cares?” Saturn cackles weakly, “Don't you understand? Pokemon aren't our ALLIES, they are MONSTERS to be controlled. It will obey my command, or be DESTROYED. DID YOU HEAR THAT YOU DAMN POKEMON? DESTROYED. USE. *******. PSYCHIC. NOW.”

It looks fearful, and I see it's arms rise up.

Abra’s hands start to light up again. This time, I know what I have to do. Without any pokemon, the only way I could stop it was to capture it. I pull my only Pokeball out of my pocket.

“In the name of Humankind and Pokemon alike – please let’s this capture be true!” I whisper as I throw the Pokeball weakly.


It rolls closer and closer to Abra. For a few seconds I'm fearful that it might not reach it. I see Abra's energy ball get larger and larger...

And just as it was about to release it's Psychic wrath, the ball hits it.

Abra and the immense ball of energy it had just created is absorbed into the red and white capsule in a burst of crimson light. It struggles to get free. The ball wobbles to and fro…





04-15-2008, 09:15 AM
Desired Pokémon: Abra
Characters Needed: 20,000
Character Count w/ Spaces: 27,012
Character Count w/o Spaces: 22,167

First story - I realize this was a big challenge for a first story, but I simply didn't want any of the pokemon in Simple or Medium.

Needs Grading.

05-03-2008, 08:24 PM
Ok its been a long time since Ive graded anything here, I'm not hip to any of your new grading styles so I'll just do it the old fashioned way....the finglonger way

StoryI got to say I was a little conflicted on this one. I liked the way the plot was moving at first but once you introduced elements of the anime I was totally turned off to it. You have no flexibility in character development of already established characters in my opinion, and the use of stock anime characters really doesn't do anything for me. If you didn't use Ash and the rockets (at least jessie, james, and meowth) I would have found this to be a much more interesting story. In the end I didn't get much out of this, I think this was a case of starting out strong but being unable to carry it through.

Writing style Uh I got to say I was a little confused about your writing style at first. Sometimes it seems that you have a little bit too much unneeded expository, lets take a look at a specific passage:

I run through my goals in my head. I want to evolve my Ralts as soon as possible. You see, my ultimate goal is to defeat my mom in a Pokemon battle, and then become an undefeatable Pokemon Trainer. I already have the whole team planned out in my head – I have spent the whole 14 years of my life thinking about it.

It almost sems like at some points you are directly addressing the audience or self narating. I think a different medium of story telling would really benefit you here, such as a journal entry or having the main character reflecting on past events. I dont think you really understand what point of view you want to use for a large portion of this. Anyway, it's not all criticism, I think that as the story went on you got into a better rythym and it didn't seem so forced, it went much smoother.

The expository in the beginning was what really got to me

Grammar/spelling whatever mistakes you had it can't be worse than what I usually put out. this was fine for me

Description/Detail I found that through much of this story, I had a hard time really getting into the characters surrondings. I never really had a clear idea about who the characters were, what really motivated them, and how they really presented themselves beyond a superficial level. Once again I think that by inserting the anime characters you really limited the amount of freedom you had to give good description and detail.

Length good, no need to go into that.

Battle i felt that this was your strong suit here. I liked the the descritpions of the attacks and I felt that it had a very good flow. All in all this category was a winner for me

Outcome This is your first story, but you chose a hard pokemon to pursue. I'm afraid I'm going to have to say Abra not captured I hope this doesn't discourage you from writing and improving this story. I felt that this could have been a capture but the insertion of the anime characters and the way that it really limited the narration was the clincher for me. you were close, but I think if you improve it then you have a good shot at a capture here. Let me know by a post in the feedback thread, a PM, or an IM when you have edited this story and are ready for a regrade...if you choose to go down that path. good luck and keep writing

05-04-2008, 02:48 AM
Thanks so much - 1 for grading and 2 for being such a GOOD grader. I know exactly how to fix it now, and I totally agree with your points.

Anyway, I redid it. It took me a good few hours to fix up all the different storyline changes and stuff xD I also added certain details.

05-04-2008, 08:35 PM
Ok, first of all much better on all counts in my opinion, but lets do a bit of a markaup here

Story- Better, I like the addition of the new character at the beginning, I felt that it gave you a better way to express the expository. And I'm glad you replaced the anime characters even if you kept some of the old dialogue and somewhat similiar descriptions, this will give you much more freedom if you decide to continue this storyline. Although I think I caught you tripping up once:

“Pikachu, come he-.” I interrupt him

I got a bit of a kick out of that, not a major mistake though. hehe

Writing style As I said already you improved on the expository and I felt that was the biggest detriment here. good

Grammar/spelling fine

Length Good still

Battle Was your strongest point last time, remained your strongest point this time. well done

Outcome Abra captured, this was a no brainer for me. You improved on everything. I hope that you continue this story, I think it could get you a lot of new pokemon

05-04-2008, 08:40 PM
Ok, first of all much better on all counts in my opinion, but lets do a bit of a markaup here

Story- Better, I like the addition of the new character at the beginning, I felt that it gave you a better way to express the expository. And I'm glad you replaced the anime characters even if you kept some of the old dialogue and somewhat similiar descriptions, this will give you much more freedom if you decide to continue this storyline. Although I think I caught you tripping up once:

I got a bit of a kick out of that, not a major mistake though. hehe

Writing style As I said already you improved on the expository and I felt that was the biggest detriment here. good

Grammar/spelling fine

Length Good still

Battle Was your strongest point last time, remained your strongest point this time. well done

Outcome Abra captured, this was a no brainer for me. You improved on everything. I hope that you continue this story, I think it could get you a lot of new pokemon
I KNEW I LEFT ONE THING IN, I just couldn't find it. LOL. Anyway, thanks lots.