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Cherry
04-16-2008, 04:42 AM
♥Muddy Waters♥
Poliwag
Simple
# Words: 1,771
# Characters: 9,699
# Characters with no spaces: 7,947 ;)
Status: Ready to grade!

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Chapter 1- Hildreth at School.
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“Have you ever heard of a Pokémon before?” A young girl about thirteen-years-old took a spoonful of soup and slurped it. Her dress was extremely short, which caused her to move constantly due to the uncomforting clothes. The girls dress was night black. A small red robe went around the dress as well as a butter yellow backpack which she had slung around her shoulder. She pulled her dress down to make sure it wouldn’t go up. “Well have you?” She demanded as she nudged his foots with her bloody red boots.

“Well yes…Who hasn’t? I mean, yes of course,” Nick said as he wiped his glasses with a cloth he got from the mall one day on a shopping trip with his mother. Nick was about twelve and he wasn’t eating lunch. They were in a school cafeteria, and his worrisome mother told him specifically not to buy lunch, as it supposedly was unsanitary. “Why do you ask, Hildreth?” He looked up adjusting his glasses while intently looking into Hildreth’s eyes.

“Just wondering,” Hildreth said in a fishy sounding voice. “Do you have one?”

“Hmm…Hildreth are you up to something?” Nick questioned Hildreth hesitantly.

“Nothing!” She pulled his arm and then shoved it playfully. “Just answer my question!”

“Well, yes, yes I do,” Nick looked down at his belt which contained three Poke’ balls. “Why!” He shouted annoyed. “Hildreth! I’m not letting you borrow them…If that is what you’re up to. I never know with you,” He took an apple from her Styrofoam carton. He grasped it tightly and bit vigorously at it.

“Food stealer!” she pointed at his hand which held half an apple due to his monstrous bite. “And I don’t want to borrow them; that would be dumb. I just want to make sure you have some.” She took a sip of chocolate milk which made a slurping noise as she did so. “We are going on a Pokémon adventure excursion today. I would like you to come! It is either you or Kat. So what; do you want to come?”

The dorky boy was unsure of himself. His boring baggy gray shirt started to feel heavy. Everything on his body seemed to feel heavy. The strange thing was that Nick always gets worried when making decisions. His mother always told him to live life to the fullest, but not to the extent of which it might hurt yourself or others. To his mom, Hildreth was no good. She felt Hildreth would give him drugs one day and Nick would never return to his old self. Hildreth was a trouble maker, but would never do anything like that. Nick knew that.

“No, my- my- my- mom won’t let me. The second she hears I will be alone with you she will freak out! She thinks-“He felt a drop of sweat hit the table. Nick put his palm up to his forehead and wiped it.

“That what? Oh the-“ Hildreth’s eyes grew wide in disgust.

“What? Oh, no. but she thinks you will give me drugs…” Nick rolled his eyes in frustration. Why was his mother such a freak?

“I won’t,” she winked “I’m talking Pokémon! So will you go on an excursion?”

“No, sorry Hill,” Nick glanced at his watch. “I think Mr. Haa’s has some extra work for me. Bye.”

“That’s Nick for ya’!” Hildreth shrugged and looked over to the enormously long cafeteria line. “Is that girl done getting her food yet? Geez….”

“Hell ya’!” a voice came from behind the garbage can. “Dish it all out girl! What’s on your mind?” It was Kat. She was overly preppy and girly. She wore a snowy white hat with a rosy pink Poke’ ball printed on the front of it. Hollister was the text spread over on the sky blue t-shirt. Her jeans had holes in them, almost as if she had been in a fight, but she most likely bought them like that.

“Hey, Kat, do you want to go to a swamp today after school?” Hill slurped more of her soup and looked over to Kat expecting the answer she wanted to hear.

“What?!” Kat’s whole face scrunched up. “The swamp? I paid forty bucks for this shirt! And the pants? I don’t think you want to know how much-“

“For Pokémon! Just change into your gym clothes before we go,” Hill suggested.

“Fine,” Kat finally gave up arguing and agreed. The school bell rang and it was time for every seventh grader to go to their next class.

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Chapter 2- Into the Mud Land.
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“Ok, ready?” Hill was near the north school exit. The exit which pointed north was the only exit in which lead out to the swamp. “It’s right over there!” Hill said as she pointed at it.

“Ugh!” Kat came out behind the bush from where she was changing. She came out with white baggy clothes that had the occasional sweat stain on them from P.E. The school logo, a Chatot, was printed wide in the center of the t-shirt. “Let’s get this over with…”

“You should have just kept your regular clothes on like me!” Hill once again suggested. “But no! You’re such a girly girl!”

“No!” Kat disagreed.

“Yes, you are,” Hill settled the argument. She knew it would get bigger and bigger the more it went on. “The swamp is over there. Let’s go!”

The two spent one full gruesome hour trudging through the yellow grass surrounding them. They finally saw the smelly swamp, and headed straight for it.

“Why do you even want to go into this swamp anyways, Hill?” Kat questioned.

“I heard there are boat loads of Pokémon here,” she looked towards the muddy swamp as she spoke. “And you know I am in dire need of them.”

Kat laughed. “Oh, you’re serious…I think you have too many you need to evolve.”

“Well I don’t,” Hildreth seemed irritated with her friend who obviously does not know anything about Pokémon.

Hildreth and Kat took the trail to the center of the swamp. On the way over it was silent and still, like a ghost town. Not one Pokémon stirred from the bushes or trees. A couple of tumbleweeds flew out behind of Hill and Kat, but it didn’t slow them down, they kept going without bringing the hike to a halt.

Finally they reached the center of the swamp. The swamp was lush and it flourished with bright flowers. Grass, water, and ground type Pokémon dance around the cloudy water. (Cloudy because of the thick mud.) Unlike the outside it was beautiful. Not one tumbleweed flew from out of the blue.

“Wow! This is so amazing!” Hill’s eyes glistened in awe. “Let’s catch a…Gloom!” A blue Pokémon held hands with another as it danced. It had an orange flower sprouting out from its head. As it smiled, it drooled.

“What turns you on about that?” Kat snapped.

Suddenly the two heard a loud smack coming from the other side of the swamp. Because of their curiosity they ran as fast as they could to find out what happened.

“Bulbasaur! Bulbasaur!” A blue Pokémon with a bulb on its back whipped a small tadpole like Pokémon. Its vines were highly effective on the fragile body of the water Pokémon. It was in tragic need, and only one person could save it.

“This will be a two on two battle,” Hill said seriously. “You take Bulbasaur and I take Poliwag.”

“Gotcha!” Kat nodded in agreement.

“Go! Shuppet!” yelled Hill. “Use a Will-o-Wisp on the Poliwag!”

“Go! Kecleon!” Kat yelled too. “Use a Shadow Claw on that nasty Bulbasaur!”

Shuppet struck with a fiery fierce blanket of flames. Each flame was bloody red with a hint of orange. It struck the Poliwag with full force. Poliwag braced itself as it tried to endure the burning hot attack, but it was already too weak. Will-o-Wisp left a black mark on the Poliwag. It almost looked like it had been barbequed.

Kecleon disappeared in mid air. It jumped into the swamp to confuse its enemy then jumped out and swung a ghostly claw at Bulbasaur. The Bulbasaur had red scars going down its face from the ferocious claws. It ran into the brush that surrounded the pond. It was too scared to battle anymore. Hill and Kat just let it go. They were just happy to see the Poliwag no longer being abused.

“I am so sorry that I hit you Poliwag! I just wanted to have it be a fair battle of two on two.” Hill explained to the Pokémon.

“Poliwag.” Poliwag’s tail slapped the sand, causing a puff of dirt to be thrown into the air.

“So you want to keep battling? Well all right! Shuppet, Shadow Sneak!” Hill once again yelled.

Her puppet like Pokémon melted into the ground and left only a shadow. The shadow moved back and forth. Then it turned and made circular patterns. Finally it hopped out of the earth and hit with its point at the top of its head. The Poliwag was forced into the air then hit the ground on its bottom. Poliwag shook his head, got back up on his feet, and continued to battle.
“Poliwag!” Poliwag said as it jumped into the sky. It opened its tiny pink mouth and squirted out a stream of water that was directed towards Hill’s ghostly Pokémon. As the attack, water gun, hit Shuppet the water only splashed it, and did nearly no damage. Shuppet just shook the water off and continued to battle full heartedly.

“Use Shadow Ball!” Shuppet listened to its trainers commands and did precisely what was asked of it. Shuppet glided through the air and opened its mouth. A black ball made up of only shadows was being constructed. The ball was night black with purple sparks playfully jumping around the shadow sphere. Shuppet released the ball and hit Poliwag critically.

“Oh my gosh! That was a critical hit!” shouted Hildreth.

Poliwag’s eyes closed, and it fell on its back. The swirl on its stomach stopped moving and it lay motionless. Hildreth turned to look at Kat.

“Do it,” Kat suggested.

Hildreth took a blue and white Poke’ ball out of her backpack. It shone so brightly in the sun. Hildreth touched the button in the middle of the ball to make it larger. Hildreth threw it straight at the tadpole Pokémon.

As the ball turned Hildreth wiped the sweat off her forehead. She had never been so nervous in her puny little life.

Draconic_Espeon
04-25-2008, 02:53 AM
You ready for a grade?

Introduction: Well, it was interesting. You had a nice hook with the 'have you heard of Pokemon' question; in all seriousness, who hasn't? You go on to describe all the characters quite well, and give us a good idea as to what they are like. But, you didn't really go much into their past. It helps readers relate to the character if they know a bit more about them, what happened to them in their life, etc. The only thing we really found out was that Nick has an overprotective mother, and he didn't even end up being all that important of a character. So, in the future, don't forget to give us a bit of background on at least the main character. Overall, though, good job in this section! ^^

Plot: Hm, very simple, but effective for the story and difficulty you were going for. Having them go into a swamp helped matters, especially since there aren't many other places you'd be likely to find a Poliwag. The fact that they found it being hurt was good too, a bit more interesting than them just running into it. My only real suggestion here is to try and mix up the plot a bit when you go on to more difficult Pokemon. Don't feel shackled to just writing for Simples; if you can think up a plot that goes with a higher Pokemon, go for it!

Grammar/Spelling: Nothing too awful bad here, just some general mistakes...

The girls dress was night black.

Here, 'girls' should be 'girl's', because it is possessive.

She demanded as she nudged his foots with her bloody red boots.

'Foots' should be 'feet', and also, when you describe her boots as being 'bloody red boots', it sounds almost like you mean that her boots actually have blood on them. A better adjective in this case would be just 'blood', which more signifies that they are red as blood, rather than covered in blood.

Nick was about twelve and he wasn’t eating lunch.

There should be a comma between 'twelve' and 'and', to make this sentence compound.

If that is what you’re up to. I never know with you,” He took an apple from her Styrofoam carton.

Since you ended the quote with a comma, the H on 'he' needs to be lowercase.

“Food stealer!” she pointed at his hand which held half an apple due to his monstrous bite.

You ended the quote here with an exclamation point, so the S on 'she' needs to be capitalized.

The strange thing was that Nick always gets worried when making decisions.

Up to this point, you have been writing in past tense, but this sentence converts to present. To fix it, 'gets' should be 'got'.

Oh, no. but she thinks you will give me drugs…

Here, you can do one of two things to correct it. Either turn the period after 'no' into a comma, or capitalize the B on 'but'. Either is fine.

“I won’t,” she winked

There should be a period after 'winked'.

I think Mr. Haa’s has some extra work for me.

You need to either take out 'has' or take out the apostrophe S on 'Mr. Haa's'.

“Hell ya’!” a voice came from behind the garbage can.

The A after the quote needs to be capitalized.

Hildreth seemed irritated with her friend who obviously does not know anything about Pokémon.

'Does' should be 'did', to keep it in past tense.

A couple of tumbleweeds flew out behind of Hill and Kat, but it didn’t slow them down, they kept going without bringing the hike to a halt.

This is a run-on sentence, but to fix it, just put a period after 'down' and captitalize 'they'.

The swamp was lush and it flourished with bright flowers.

There needs to be a comma after 'lush' to make this a proper compound sentence.

Grass, water, and ground type Pokémon dance around the cloudy water.

'Dance' should be 'danced' to keep with the past tense.

Each flame was bloody red with a hint of orange.

Again, 'blood' would probably work better here than 'bloody'.

Poliwag shook his head, got back up on his feet, and continued to battle.

Up to and after this point, you referred to the Poliwag as an 'it', so 'its' would make more sense here than 'his'.

As the attack, water gun, hit Shuppet the water only splashed it, and did nearly no damage.

'Water Gun' is the name of an attack, and so should be capitalized.

Shuppet listened to its trainers commands and did precisely what was asked of it.

There should be an apostrophe before the S in 'trainers' because it is possessive.

“Oh my gosh! That was a critical hit!” shouted Hildreth.

The S on 'shouted' should be capitalized.

Don't let the amount of mistakes discourage you; a majority of them are tricky comma and quotation mistakes that many authors miss. Don't forget to look over your story for typos when you are done writing, and, if you have any friends or family that like Pokemon, getting them to read through it isn't a bad idea, either.

Length: I think there's enough here for a little Poliwag, don't you?

Detail/Description: You did fairly good in this area. Everything was vividly described, and I could see both your characters and the setting quite clearly... For the most part. A better description of the cafeteria would have been nice, but it wasn't the most important place, so I won't harp much. Just watch out for places where the description is a bit sparce.

In the future, though, when describing your characters, try to drag it out a bit more. At times, it seemed like you almost paused the action to put in a block of character description. Make it flow, add in some more actions. You did some of this, like when Hill was pulling down her skirt, but you're not quite there yet. Keep working at it, and you'll get better.

Battle: Well, it was a bit one sided. Almost from the start, the Shuppet seemed bound to win. Yes, I understand that the Poliwag was already weakened, but it is important to add as much into the battle as you possibly can. It is one of the most important parts of the story, and can often make or break a grade. Make it long, make it exciting, and make it two sided. Also, when it comes to attacks, there aren't really critical hits in stories. It's more of a game thing that gives you a random chance to do more damage. Your story should more resemble how a Pokemon battle would be in the anime, more realistic. You could say something along the lines of 'the Shuppet, determined to win, gathered more energy into its last attack', but this would be more effectively used if the Pokemon is losing, rather than winning.

On the plus side, though, you described the attacks wonderfully. I could picture exactly how each one was carried out. This is often the hardest part of battles, so kudos to you! Just work on the length and two-sidedness of it and you'll have these down.

Outcome: Honestly, it was kinda close, but I decided that the Poliway was Captured! You have some places to work on, but overall, you did a good job on this. Your main flaw was really the battle. Work on that a bit more, and watch out for these grammar mistakes, and you'll be acing these grades without a problem. ^^

One way to get a better idea of what graders expect is by going through and reading some graded stories, and then reading the grades they were given. That way, you can get a better understanding of what we expect and what you are doing wrong outside of your own story. I did that quite often, and that's how I got better at writing these. Also, when you are reading a book, whether it be a school textbook or a novel, try paying attention to the sentence structure used, and when commas are thrown in. It helps you get a better idea of when you need pauses and when you don't.

Keep up the great writing!