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Dark Salamence
04-17-2008, 07:38 AM
This is where I will be working on my first Medium Ranked Pokemon story.



I was focused- the red horn on the top of my green helmet quivered slightly as I focused on my target. Just a few more seconds- then I could launch my attack at Sandshrew

As I poised myself in position, my long white feet stuck to the ground, the sandy- yellow mouse Pokemon with stubby arms and legs and a long tail rushed past my face, escaping. I had completely lost focus and lost my target in the process!

I had always been practicing my powerful psychic attacks on Sandshrew. They were my worst enemy for a long time. They didn’t care about me, but I had found them so annoying from the day that I was born, that I would always try to attack a passing one.

“Stupid Sandshrew,” I thought to myself. I then realized that my breakfast was gone- that annoying Sandshrew had snatched my berries!

Annoyed, I kicked a smooth pebble. It rolled towards a tree and collided with its roots. My horns suddenly picked up vibrations as a strange looking man swooped out of the tree and landed at my feet.

He wore a white uniform that covered his entire body- a visor was over his eyes and two large red ribbons flew in the air behind his back. Strange he was, but I had a feeling that his reason for being here was a good one.

“Ralts eh? That’d make a nice powerful Pokemon for the master plan,” he grinned evilly.

Suddenly, I saw a dark shadow fall over me. I was in bars- he had trapped me! I trashed and kicked as he picked me up, then began to bash the side of the cage.

Startled by the vibrations of the cage been bashed, he dropped me and I tumbled to the ground. As the cage hit the soil hard, a bar flew off the cage. I could now stick my arm through the hole.

Now I knew how I could escape. I tensed for a moment before releasing several colourful leaves from my horns. They slashed through the side of the cage, making a hole big enough for me to escape through.

I jumped out into freedom, now was my chance to run away. But my happiness was short lived. A Pokeball appeared in the man’s hand and he threw the red and white sphere into the air. A Pokemon emerged.

It was dark blue, and appeared to have a large spotty flower on its head. Honey leaked hung from the side of its mouth.

After the man called a command, blue powder spurted out of the Gloom’s flower and flew at me.

I began to get drowsy. My eyelids felt heavy as I drifted off to sleep.

---------------------------------

When I awoke, I felt different. I didn’t feel like looking for food or defeating annoying Sandshrew in battle. It was a weird feeling that I had never felt in my life.

It wasn’t a good feeling- it was bad. I didn’t want to play with other Pokemon, I felt like destroying the world and gathering Pokemon to be my slaves, nasty things like that. This bad emotion was the only thing I felt for a long time. And even though I was sitting in a small cage surrounded by terrified Pokemon, I was content, thinking of what bad things I could do.

---------------------------------

Meanwhile, Elana was watching the clear sky and the sapphire blue ocean. She was on a boat to the Orre Region. Her dark brown ponytail swayed in the breeze, her blue eyes watching Wingull flying by. She was wearing her usual white t-shirt and jeans. Her partner and starter Pokemon, Umbreon, was beside her.

The black dark-type Pokemon was foxlike, with long ears and a long tail. Glowing yellow rings covered its body.

They had already been travelling for quite some time, so when the captain announced that they had arrived, Elana was very excited.

The boat had arrived at Pyrite Town, one of the more sinister places in the Orre Region. Apparently, it was thought that Shadow Pokemon still existed and that Cipher had a secret base there.

Elana stepped off the boat. It was quite an impressive town. It had a Hotel, Pokemart, Police Station and a TV Station. Elana decided that she would explore. As she advanced towards the Pokemart, a dark alleyway caught her eye.

Without thinking, she began to walk through the alley. It was dark. Deserted house were scattered in the area. Broken curtains and windows seemed to stare at her in an unpleasant way. The alley started to give Elana the creeps.

She was just about to turn back when she noticed a large and strange looking building. Being her adventurous self, she wandered towards the entrance.

Peering in the door, she discovered a cool looking machine on the ground. Picking it up, she found that it was supposed to fit on her arm. She tried it on. It looked rather cool. It was an arm piece with a long cord running through it. Green light ran through the cord every few seconds.

She then noticed instructions where the machine was sitting. She instantly began to read them, to find out what this cool machine was.

Suddenly, a Cipher Peon walked up to her, annoyed. “What do you think you’re doing here?” he asked angrily.

---------------------------------

A Peon walked into the small, dark room, which I was situated in. Taking a silver key from his pocket, he opened my cage. A Pokeball was in his hand. He pressed a button sucked me into the sphere. I could sense that I was going to be used for something important.

Walking out of the dark room, he sat on a bench nearby and focused on Elana who was just a few metres away.

We were in a large part of Cipher’s base, boxes were stacked in piles and some were moving through a conveyer belt. Peons stood quietly chatting amongst themselves.

By now, two more Peons had joined the first who had noticed Elana. They folded their arms disapprovingly.

“I don’t know what you’re doing here in our base, or why you’re wearing our special machine, but you’d better take it off now and leave,” one said, scowling. Elana seemed fearful of the Peons and somehow, I knew that Elana would be an important part of my life.

All three Peons threw three Pokeballs. Out came three grey Pokemon.

The Pokemon looked like grey wolves; jagged fur stood on their backs and their pointy white teeth gleamed. Elana knew that she was facing no other than Mightyena.

Shuddering at the sight of the bite Pokemon, Elana remember the time that Mightyena had attacked her. Bravely, she took three red and white Pokeballs from her pocket and threw them into the air.

Three Pokemon emerged from the Pokeballs.

Kricketot looked like a red and yellow cricket with two long, black antennae sprouting from its head.

Magby was a red fire type Pokemon with a short stubby tail, a yellow underside and several lumps on its head.

Bagon, Elana’s newly caught Pokemon that looked like a small blue dragon with small feet and hands and a hard head as tough as steel.

Kricketot faced a Mightyena, who pounced at Kricketot. The small Bug-Type glowed red while flying from the impact. Standing its ground, the Pokemon took two more of Mightyena’s hits. Although weak, it managed a fierce Bide attack, which sent Mightyena falling backwards into a heap.

Another Mightyena flew at Magby. The startled Pokemon tripped backwards. As Mightyena pounced again, Magby dodged quickly. The Fire-Type Pokemon jumped and flipped gymnastically to avoid the angry Mightyena’s furious bites and lashes, until it was clear that the bite Pokemon was tired out. While Mightyena stopped for a breather, Magby released a healthy yellow flame from its mouth, which sent the Dark-Type Pokemon falling to the ground.

In the far right corner, Bagon battled it out with the third Mightyena. The Dragon Pokemon also seemed to show talent in gymnastics. Bagon had a ball running and jumping in circles to make the Mightyena dizzy. While it teetered, Bagon grabbed onto some thick fur around its neck and pulled itself onto the Dark Pokemon’s back. The Dragon Type then opened its mouth, sending a powerful Dragonbreath at Mightyena, who dizzily tumbled to the ground.

Just when Elana thought that her Pokemon were winning, the three Mighyena pulled themselves to their feet, shook and pounced at Elana’s Pokemon who were too tired or weak to respond to the attack.

Cringing, Elana returned her three Pokemon into the red and white spheres, before pulling another off her belt. “We need your help,” said Elana to the Pokeball, which contained Umbreon, Elana’s starter Pokemon and best friend.

Before Elana had a chance to release Umbreon, the last Pokeball in her belt glowed and a blue sheep like Pokemon emerged. Yellow, woolly fur covered its body. It had a small tail and two ears.

Elana sighed at the sight of Mareep. “At least it will be better than nothing,” she thought. “Use Tackle!” she called at her Electric Pokemon. Mareep looked at her arrogantly before shooting a multicoloured beam at the Mightyena. Elana started wide mouthed at the Signal Beam.

“I told you to use Tackle,” she said, slightly annoyed that her Pokemon had disobeyed her.

Mareep stared at her arrogantly again. Sparks rushed through its body before it released a powerful bolt of electricity from its wool. The three Mightyena were instantly electrocuted and pushed to the ground.

The Peons gasped in shock. They were facing a strong trainer. They quickly recalled their Mightyena and hurried back to where they were working.

Angry, the Peon containing my Pokeball stepped forward.

“You won’t be escaping now,” he said nastily and threw my Pokeball into the air. I emerged and faced Elana.

Elana’s eyes widened.

“There’s something strange about that Pokemon,” she noticed as she fumbled through her pocket for the instructions.

“Part I;, Shadow Pokemon,” Elana read.

“Shadow Pokemon are Pokemon that have had their hearts closed and have been turned into fighting machines. They are identifiable by purple auras around their bodies.”

Elana gasped. “A Shadow Pokemon!”

“That’s right,” sneered the Peon, “And we’re going to win this battle.”

Elana narrowed her eyes and returned Mareep, before throwing her last Pokeball- the one containing Umbreon.

The Dark-Type Pokemon stared at me, in a somewhat angry way. It then leaped at me with a Quick Attack and pushed me to the ground. Pain seared through my body.

Clutching my side, I pulled myself to my feet. “Prove yourself,” the Peon growled, “Try a Shadow Wave.”

I shot a purple beam from my horn that collided with Umbreon and sent it crashing to the ground.

“Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you,” the Peon sneered, “Shadow attacks are Super Effective against regular Pokemon.”

Elana gasped. She decided that maybe she should return Umbreon.

Noticing what Elana was possibly going to do, he shouted a command. “Shadow Hold!”

I glowed purple and Umbreon was locked into place. It couldn’t be recalled! Elana gritted her teeth.

“Ralts is still a Psychic Type, use Faint Attack, Umbreon!”

Umbreon turned to the wall as if there was something there. I followed its gaze, but I was unaware of the trick it was planning. As I stood watching the wall anxiously, Umbreon walked up and tackled me to the ground.

“Now, Bite!” she called. Umbreon opened its mouth wide and bit me with hard white teeth.

I fell backwards in pain, clutching my sides. I was doomed. Done for. I wouldn’t care if the Peon shouted in my face for being weak. I was too weak to continue. Just when I thought Umbreon would deliver the final blow, a beeping noise filled the air.

It was coming from the Snag Machine. As Elana looked down at it sitting on her arm, she saw the word “SNAG,” flashing on the screen.

Confused, she pulled the instructions from her pocket.

“Section III; Snagging Pokemon.
Being purified can restore Shadow Pokemon. To purify them, you must first snag them from their original mean trainers. To snag a Pokemon, simply lower it’s health like when capturing a normal Pokemnon, then throw a Pokeball at it. If the Snag Machine is activated, the Pokeball will turn into a Snag Ball and hopefully capture the Pokemon.”

Elana reached into her pocket for a Pokeball. Confidently, she threw the red and white sphere at me. A look of horror crossed the Peon’s face as he realised what was happening.

I was sucked inside. I was much too weak to resist. Elana watched nervously as my Pokeball wriggled from side to side. A look of relief appeared on her face as a familiar ‘ding,’ sounded in the air.

I had been snagged! The Cipher Peon seemed to be quite annoyed. “It was a weak one anyway,” he muttered.

Elana picked my Pokeball up and put it into her pocket. She turned to the Cipher. “Oh, yeah, you can have your stupid machine back,” she said as she flung the Snag Machine of her arm. It hit a large, solid box and broke in hundreds of little pieces. Elana grinned.

Now the Peon was more than just mad. He was bright red in the face. But there was nothing that he could do, the Snag Machine was broken, I had capturned Ralts and he was out of Pokemon so he turned around and stomped out the door.

---------------------------------

I contently sat in front of Elana eating some Pokemon food. By now, we had escaped Cipher’s base. We were sitting in a green field. The long grass swayed in the wind. Colourful flowers were scattered around. Somehow, that bad emotion wasn’t as bad before. Sure, I still felt like destroying things, but I had this strange content feeling inside of me.

Elana had just finished reading the ‘Purifying’ section of the Snag Machine instructions.

“So,” Elana turned to me, “To be purified, we should battle a lot. I’m sure that will be easy.” I nodded enthusiastically. A battle seemed to satisfy my need to destroy something.

I followed Elana to a busy part of Pyrite Town where several trainers were talking about Pokemon.

“Anyone up for a battle?” she asked confidently.

“Sounds like fun,” replied a teenage girl with long, sleek purple hair. She wore a red jacket and black shorts. Her green eyes glimmered in the sunlight.

She threw a Pokeball into the air, and a psychic type Pokemon appeared.

It looked sort of like a mouse with a long tail. The Pokemon was sleeping soundly. Abra. Elana turned to me.

“Ready?” she asked. I nodded.

I jumped onto the field enthusiastically and took my position in front of Abra.

Abra started off with Fire Punch. I could feel a burning sensation inside of me as Abra punched me hard.

I countered with Shadow Wave. Abra used Teleport to dodge. I attack again. Abra dodged once more.

I was getting frustrated. I decided to keep shooting Shadow Waves from my horns until one hit Abra. Getting more uncoordinated than the last, my furious Shadow Waves were no match for Abra’s Teleport and I gave up.

Abra decided to finish me off. With a powerful Mega Kick, it pinned me to the ground so it deliver the final blow. As I stood there, shielding myself, a strange feeling came upon me.

I felt fresher than usual and I had less intention of destroying something than before. Then came the amazing part. I felt that I could use an attack, which I hadn’t been able to use for a long while.

Abra was just about to finish me with a freezing Ice Punch. I could already feel the cold air blowing on my face. I quickly shot several colourful leaves out of my horns. Using my old attack felt so great! The leaves collided with Abra, sending it sprawling onto the ground. To finish it off, I shot a powerful Shadow Wave from my horn that collided with Abra and sent it fainting at its trainer’s feet.

The trainer sighed before returning Abra and walking away.

Elana was excited. I was slowly starting to purify! I had already regained one of my original attacks. She turned to me.

“Ready for our next battle?” I was pumped!

---------------------------------

Our next battle was against a rich, posh boy with gelled hair, a white suit and a purple cape.

“Go Seaking!” he called as he gracefully threw a red and white Pokeball into the air.

An orange and white fishlike Pokemon emerged from the sphere. It had a pretty frilly tail.

I was ready to fight! I started off with a Magical Leaf. Seaking roared with pain. Grass Type moves were great against Water Pokemon.

Confidently, I knew that I could beat Seaking easily with the right amount of Magical Leaves.

Over and over again, I launched powerful Magical Leaves until I was sure that Seaking could not battle any more.

But I had been too overconfident, as a strange feeling went over me. A red aura glowed around me. Suddenly, I flew backwards from impact- I had attacked myself.

What I didn’t know is that I was in reverse mode. Every turn I would hurt myself.

This gave Seaking a perfect opportunity to attack. Quickly, it opened its mouth to shoot a powerful Hydro Pump attack at me. I flew into a tree and lay helplessly on the ground.

Luckily, Elana knew exactly what to do to restore my condition. Taking a deep breath, she yelled ‘Ralts,’ as loud as she could. I suddenly came to my senses and jumped to my feet.

Just after I had recovered from Reverse Mode, the bad emotion seemed to become better and I once again felt as if an old attack had returned.

My body suddenly tensed, my horns quivered and I stayed focused. Seaking was slowly lifted into the air. The confused Water Type Pokemon was then dropped from the air and sent crashing into the ground and fainting.

I had won the battle and in the process regained Psychic!

The snobby boy turned up his nose, returned Seaking and walked away.

The purification process was almost complete. Now I was going to get a massage!

---------------------------------

Another way of purifying Pokemon was to give your Pokemon a message with a scent. I was on my way with Elana to the local Pokemart.

A friendly looking clerk was at the counter. He had wavy, brown hair and a round, happy face. A blue apron was over his white uniform.

“A Vivid Scent, please!” Elana beamed at the clerk. He chuckled kindly before placing a small box on the counter.

“Your scent’s in there. Have a nice day!” he replied as he waved to Elana.

She happily skipped out of the shop with me trying to keep up with her.

---------------------------------

My massage felt so good. I just sat there, without a care in the world, while Elana rubbed my body gently with the sweet smelling scent.

It was so good that I almost feel asleep. It was like heaven.

When the massage was over, I sat up abruptly. The great feeling had washed away, and I was sitting on a park bench next to Elana.

Something felt different. Somehow, I didn’t feel like destroying anything at all. I felt almost normal, usual. I knew that there was only one more step to completely restring me. The Purification Shrine.

---------------------------------

I was amazed at the overwhelming sight of the ancient shrine. Lush green plants grew near it, almost as if the shrine brought life to everything around it.

We had just arrived from a long and tiring journey to Agate Village.

As Elana placed me in front of it, I felt my body change. The purple aura disappeared. A shower of green sparkles confettied on me. I felt free, normal and I had no intention of causing any harm.

My spirit was free and it was all thanks to Elana. The horrible Shadow Wave and Shadow Hold left my body. My well loved psychic attacks returned to me. I felt blessed.

~DS

Dark Salamence
04-24-2008, 11:57 PM
I was amazed at the overwhelming sight of the ancient shrine. Lush green plants grew near it, almost as if the shrine brought life to everything around it.

We had just arrived from a long and tiring journey to Agate Village.

As Elana placed me in front of it, I felt my body change. The purple aura disappeared. A shower of green sparkles confettied on me. I felt free, normal and I had no intention of causing any harm.

My spirit was free and it was all thanks to Elana. The horrible Shadow Wave and Shadow Hold left my body. My well loved psychic attacks returned to me. I felt blessed.

---------------------------------

I turned to Elana. She had indeed done something important in my life. I was right about her at Cipher’s base. I ran and gave her a big hug. Elana carefully took my Pokeball out of her pocket.

“My only mission was to purify you,” She said, “Now that it’s happened you’re free to do what you want.” She pressed a button and released me into the wild.

“I’m going to Hoenn now,” she said. “I’ll hopefully see you again another time, Ralts.” And with that she smiled at me, her blue eyes sparkling. She turned and waved and began to walk away.

Somehow, I just couldn’t bear to leave her. Tears in my eyes, I ran up to her. I decided that the only way to settle this was to battle. Then she could capture me for real.

---------------------------------

Elana threw a Pokeball from her pocket. Magby emerged from the red and white sphere in a battle stance, blowing yellow flames from its mouth into the air.

I locked my gaze onto the Fire Pokemon, holding it steady with my mind. Been careful not to move suddenly, I focused all of my energy onto Magby. When the time was right, I lifted it into the air above my head.

When it was quite a few meters off the ground, I released my grasp and watched it fall in a heap at my feet.

Magby was a determined Pokemon though. It brought itself to its feet and stared at me, its eyes glowing. I suddenly felt dizzy. I teetered around on my feet until falling onto the ground.

Quickly, I came to my senses and fought back with a combo attack. Using my Confusion, I controlled my Magical Leaf so that the colourful, razor sharp leaves formed a circle around Magby and flew into it at my command.

Magby fought back with a Fire Punch. I could feel the fire sear through me.

While I was recovering from the Fire Punch, Magby used a Flamethrower at me. Quickly, I used my Double Team to dodge the attack. The fire hit all the copies!

I quickly fought back with another Confusion and Magical Leaf combination. The leaves slashed through Magby’s body with a ferocious tearing sound.

Magby responded with Smog. I didn’t realize the sudden attack until I breathed in some smog and began to feel ill. But I was strong. A poisonous gas wouldn’t stop me.

Magby moved in for a Flamethrower. I was still in shock from the Smog- I was paralyzed in fear. Suddenly, I remembered my battle with Abra.

Quickly, I used Teleport to dodge the Flamethrower. Magby, slightly annoyed that I had avoided the attack, launched another Flamethrower in my direction. Once again, I dodged with Teleport.

Magby decided that the only way to hit me was to fire Flamethrowers like mad until one would hopefully hit me.

That plan didn’t work very well. The furious Flamethrowers, getting more careless every time, were no match for my Teleport. It was easier dodging these Flamethrowers than the one that Magby had used first.

Suddenly, Magby had an idea while looking at a row of trees. Quickly, it aimed a Flamethrower at the first one in the row. The tree fell to its side, crashing to the ground with a loud ‘BAM!’ noise. In the process, it hit the second tree in a row, which proceeded to fall. Then that tree hit the next.

This went on until the final tree was hit and it cast a dark shadow over my head. Too scared to move, I braced myself as the tree crashed onto me with a loud ‘THUD!’

Flying back from the impact, Magby moved In for the final blow.

It shot a star shaped blast of fire in my direction. I was too shocked, poisoned and scared to move.

I felt the fire seat through my body with intense pain. I was burnt and sooty.

Elana saw this as her chance to act. Quickly, she took a spare Pokeball from her pocket and threw the red and white sphere in my direction. She waited, gritting her teeth in hope that I had been captured.

Pokemon: Ralts
Rank: Medium
Characters W/O Spaces: 18,305
Characters W Spaces: 22,279

~DS

Dark Salamence
04-25-2008, 11:31 PM
Ready to be graded. ^^

~DS

Draconic_Espeon
05-09-2008, 02:25 AM
Whew, I completely forgot I had a thing for school tonight, and I almost didn't get it finished. xP Anyway, sorry about the wait, hope you like the outcome.

Introduction: Not bad, you gave us a pretty good description of both Ralts and Elana, when her time came. You started things off pretty interestingly, too, with a battle, even though it didn't go very far. What you didn't get into so much was the setting. I could hardly picture where the story began at all, though I assumed it was a forest, since there was a tree. Try going into greater detail on where the characters are.

Also, I wouldn't mind seeing a little more in the characters' histories, like where they have been and how they got to where they were. For example, you never really said why Elana was going to Orre, or, for that matter, where she was from. These little details are nice to know about the character, and help us get to understand more about him or her.

Plot: This was very good, I think. I've only seen a few other stories that have taken place in Orre, or play off the events of the Pokemon XD game, so it makes it interesting for me, especially considering I've never played it. The whole process of purifying Ralts was more interesting to me because of it.

My main problem here, though, is that you leave a lot of things unexplained. For example, I have no idea what a Peon is, and you never really say. Little details like that that are not universal to the Pokemon universe are important to explain in stories like these, because not everyone plays all the games. Keep that in mind when you are writing something like this.

Also, there were a few things that didn't seem entirely realistic. For example, Ralts automatically knowing Elana's name. Yes, you know her name, and we know her name, but Ralts hadn't yet been introduced to her. Until he is, or he hears her name, he has no idea who she is. Make sure you remember things like that when you are writing in first person. Because of things like this, it can be trickier than writing in third person. I'm currently writing a first person story, and I'm having some of the same trouble, so don't feel bad about it. I know it gets irritating referring to someone as 'the girl' all the time, especially when you know their name. x3

Grammar: You had quite a few mistakes. In the future, I suggest going over your story more closely, and if you have any friends or family that like Pokemon, try asking them to read it, too. Another person may find mistakes that you missed.

Just a few more seconds- then I could launch my attack at Sandshrew

There should be a period at the end.

I trashed and kicked as he picked me up, then began to bash the side of the cage.

'Trashed' should be 'thrashed'.

Startled by the vibrations of the cage been bashed, he dropped me and I tumbled to the ground.

'Been' should be 'being'.

As the cage hit the soil hard, a bar flew off the cage.

'Hard' should be 'ground'.

I jumped out into freedom, now was my chance to run away. But my happiness was short lived.

There's nothing really wrong with these sentences, but the punctuation could be changed to make it a bit easier to understand.

I jumped out into freedom. Now was my chance to run away, but my happiness was short lived.

Sentence structure and putting them together in a way that makes sense and keeps the story going can sometimes be difficult, and usually the best way to get better is simply by reading. Next time you are reading a book, try paying attention to how the author words their sentences and uses punctuation.

Deserted house were scattered in the area.

You probably meant 'houses' here.

He pressed a button sucked me into the sphere.

There should be an 'and' between 'button' and 'sucked'.

Bagon, Elana’s newly caught Pokemon that looked like a small blue dragon with small feet and hands and a hard head as tough as steel.

This sentence would make more sense if the comma after 'Bagon' was replaced with 'was'.

“Now, Bite!” she called.

When a sentence in quotes ends in a period, question mark, or exclamation point, you capitalize the first letter of the next word.

He was bright red in the face. But there was nothing that he could do, the Snag Machine was broken, I had capturned Ralts and he was out of Pokemon so he turned around and stomped out the door.

A couple things with this portion. Again, if you switched around the punctuation a bit, this would flow better.

He was bright red in the face, but there was nothing that he could do. The Snag Machine was broken, I had capturned Ralts, and he was out of Pokemon so he turned around and stomped out the door.

Also, you switched to Elana's point of view in the italicized portion, so watch out for that.

With a powerful Mega Kick, it pinned me to the ground so it deliver the final blow.

There should be a 'could' between 'it' and 'deliver'.

“Go Seaking!” he called as he gracefully threw a red and white Pokeball into the air.

Again, 'he' should be capitalized.

Another way of purifying Pokemon was to give your Pokemon a message with a scent.

I think you meant 'massage' here.

It was so good that I almost feel asleep.

'Feel' should be 'fell'.

I knew that there was only one more step to completely restring me. The Purification Shrine.

'Restring' should be 'restoring'. Also, this would be better as one sentence rather than two, with a colon after 'me', connecting 'the Purification Shrine' to the first sentence.

Been careful not to move suddenly, I focused all of my energy onto Magby.

'Been' should be 'being'.

Flying back from the impact, Magby moved In for the final blow.

The I on 'in' shouldn't be capitalized.

Length: I always love to see people exceeding expectations. You've gone over the maximum here, which is great! I have no complaints in this section.

Detail/Description: You've done a good job describing characters, whether they be Pokemon or human, and I commend you for that. However, the setting isn't quite so great. The setting is an important thing to say as much about as you can, so that your readers can really picture what's going on. Work on adding in all the things your characters see in detail, and don't forget all the other senses as well. The feeling of a cool breeze on their cheek, the scent of the salty ocean, things like that.

Also, I highly suggest trying to use more descriptive words. Words like 'cool' just don't cut it; it hardly says anything about what you are describing at all, especially since what it 'cool' differs among different people. The best way to come up with a variety of descriptive verbs is really to go grab a thesaurus, unless you don't mind sitting down and reading a nice dictionary. Thesauruses can be a writer's best friend. They help you find the right word for a situation, as well as help you better understand a new word. If you don't have a computer program with one already in it, I suggest investing in one. They help a lot.

Battle: One thing your story had was a lot of battles. You seem to have a good grasp of what we like to see; lots of varieties of attacks, and use of scenery. However, you are still lacking some on description of the attacks. A good policy is to try and show the reader with words exactly how the attack was started, executed, how it hit, and how the opponent reacted. This way, you get everything in. One of the best ways to better see how to put battle description together is simply by reading it. I suggest taking a look at some stories by Tyranitar_Trainer next time you have some free time. Her battles especially are long, action packed, and descriptive, and will give you a good idea of how best to go about describing everything. One good rule of thumb is, though, that the bigger and more important the attack is to the battle, the more you need to linger a bit and describe it.

Outcome: Ralts Captured! There was really no doubt in my mind that you deserved this Pokemon. I know I gave quite a bit of criticism, but your story was perfect for a Medium Pokemon. You'll need to work a bit harder for those more difficult Pokemon, but you have a lot of potential,and I'm sure you'll get there. Good luck on your future captures, and keep writing!

Dark Salamence
05-09-2008, 06:28 AM
Whew, I completely forgot I had a thing for school tonight, and I almost didn't get it finished. xP Anyway, sorry about the wait, hope you like the outcome.

Introduction: Not bad, you gave us a pretty good description of both Ralts and Elana, when her time came. You started things off pretty interestingly, too, with a battle, even though it didn't go very far. What you didn't get into so much was the setting. I could hardly picture where the story began at all, though I assumed it was a forest, since there was a tree. Try going into greater detail on where the characters are.

Also, I wouldn't mind seeing a little more in the characters' histories, like where they have been and how they got to where they were. For example, you never really said why Elana was going to Orre, or, for that matter, where she was from. These little details are nice to know about the character, and help us get to understand more about him or her.

I'll try and work on that next time. ^^

Plot: This was very good, I think. I've only seen a few other stories that have taken place in Orre, or play off the events of the Pokemon XD game, so it makes it interesting for me, especially considering I've never played it. The whole process of purifying Ralts was more interesting to me because of it.

My main problem here, though, is that you leave a lot of things unexplained. For example, I have no idea what a Peon is, and you never really say. Little details like that that are not universal to the Pokemon universe are important to explain in stories like these, because not everyone plays all the games. Keep that in mind when you are writing something like this.

I'll work on that too.

Also, there were a few things that didn't seem entirely realistic. For example, Ralts automatically knowing Elana's name. Yes, you know her name, and we know her name, but Ralts hadn't yet been introduced to her. Until he is, or he hears her name, he has no idea who she is. Make sure you remember things like that when you are writing in first person. Because of things like this, it can be trickier than writing in third person. I'm currently writing a first person story, and I'm having some of the same trouble, so don't feel bad about it. I know it gets irritating referring to someone as 'the girl' all the time, especially when you know their name. x3

Ralts learned Elana's name after it had been purified and since this story was in the present tense, it had been after the purification.

Grammar: You had quite a few mistakes. In the future, I suggest going over your story more closely, and if you have any friends or family that like Pokemon, try asking them to read it, too. Another person may find mistakes that you missed.



There should be a period at the end.



'Trashed' should be 'thrashed'.

Lol, Ralts trashed around.

'Been' should be 'being'.



'Hard' should be 'ground'.



There's nothing really wrong with these sentences, but the punctuation could be changed to make it a bit easier to understand.



Sentence structure and putting them together in a way that makes sense and keeps the story going can sometimes be difficult, and usually the best way to get better is simply by reading. Next time you are reading a book, try paying attention to how the author words their sentences and uses punctuation.



You probably meant 'houses' here.



There should be an 'and' between 'button' and 'sucked'.



This sentence would make more sense if the comma after 'Bagon' was replaced with 'was'.



When a sentence in quotes ends in a period, question mark, or exclamation point, you capitalize the first letter of the next word.



A couple things with this portion. Again, if you switched around the punctuation a bit, this would flow better.



Also, you switched to Elana's point of view in the italicized portion, so watch out for that.



There should be a 'could' between 'it' and 'deliver'.



Again, 'he' should be capitalized.



I think you meant 'massage' here.



'Feel' should be 'fell'.



'Restring' should be 'restoring'. Also, this would be better as one sentence rather than two, with a colon after 'me', connecting 'the Purification Shrine' to the first sentence.



'Been' should be 'being'.



The I on 'in' shouldn't be capitalized.

Thanks, I'll work on it. ^^

Length: I always love to see people exceeding expectations. You've gone over the maximum here, which is great! I have no complaints in this section.

I try to get a good length.

Detail/Description: You've done a good job describing characters, whether they be Pokemon or human, and I commend you for that. However, the setting isn't quite so great. The setting is an important thing to say as much about as you can, so that your readers can really picture what's going on. Work on adding in all the things your characters see in detail, and don't forget all the other senses as well. The feeling of a cool breeze on their cheek, the scent of the salty ocean, things like that.

Also, I highly suggest trying to use more descriptive words. Words like 'cool' just don't cut it; it hardly says anything about what you are describing at all, especially since what it 'cool' differs among different people. The best way to come up with a variety of descriptive verbs is really to go grab a thesaurus, unless you don't mind sitting down and reading a nice dictionary. Thesauruses can be a writer's best friend. They help you find the right word for a situation, as well as help you better understand a new word. If you don't have a computer program with one already in it, I suggest investing in one. They help a lot.

Okay.

Battle: One thing your story had was a lot of battles. You seem to have a good grasp of what we like to see; lots of varieties of attacks, and use of scenery. However, you are still lacking some on description of the attacks. A good policy is to try and show the reader with words exactly how the attack was started, executed, how it hit, and how the opponent reacted. This way, you get everything in. One of the best ways to better see how to put battle description together is simply by reading it. I suggest taking a look at some stories by Tyranitar_Trainer next time you have some free time. Her battles especially are long, action packed, and descriptive, and will give you a good idea of how best to go about describing everything. One good rule of thumb is, though, that the bigger and more important the attack is to the battle, the more you need to linger a bit and describe it.

Sounds good.

Outcome: Ralts Captured! There was really no doubt in my mind that you deserved this Pokemon. I know I gave quite a bit of criticism, but your story was perfect for a Medium Pokemon. You'll need to work a bit harder for those more difficult Pokemon, but you have a lot of potential,and I'm sure you'll get there. Good luck on your future captures, and keep writing!

Thanks Draconic Espeon. I really appreciate the grade.

~DS