View Full Version : The Swarms of Ahktar Chapter 3: The Hatchery
04-19-2008, 01:15 PM
All right guys. This is the beginning of my new series. It serves as a prologue to the main body, and I will attempt to capture some pretty high level mons in the later parts. This series will contain many aspects of nanotechnology. I am currently taking an online course on the subject and got my inspiration for it last Thursday when I finished Michael Crichton’s wonderful novel, Prey. If any readers have trouble comprehending the nano aspects I have inserted, I will try my best to explain in the reading, and if you have trouble, feel free to pm me for an explanation.
Oh yeah, when Pokémon talk in quotations, only other Pokémon can understand them. When it is in these <> like <this> humans can understand it because my main characters have translators.
Oh yeah again, this is also part of a story deal with Crazy231. I will be getting one mon, and he will be getting the other. Sorry for all the long text walls in the beginning, but I feel it is necessary and I just love talking to you guys. XD
Initiation: Predator Order 713
The Marzha Forest in the Mahät-zä region was quiet. The forest was encircled by large cliff walls, and there were two ways in and out. The north path was very rocky and was plagued buy rock type Pokémon. This path led to the Sinnoh region. The south path was like the rest of the forest and was calm. All types of Pokémon congregated at the south path to have fun. The south path led to the rest of the Mahät-zä region. The air was clear, and smelled fresh. There were few clouds in the sky, and the clouds that were in the sky were extremely high up, and looked like wisps of cotton. The tree-tops were a jubilant emerald-green color. The color itself seemed to radiate to the surrounding area, making the thin grass on the ground glow. The trunks of the trees were very sturdy, and could withstand almost anything. They would soon meet their match…
In a small cavern on the eastern cliff wall of the forest laid a Machop and his sister, a Meditite. He was covered with a light blue, velvet-like skin. He had a short, stubby tail that was probably used to balance. Three fin-like protrusions lined the crest of his head. The creature had very muscular arms that were laced with visible veins that were smashed to the inside of his arms to make room for all of the muscle. His sister was a short, blue, human figure. She had a bulbous grey shape on her head. The Meditite had a thin blue body, with a grey colored pelvis.
They were in a deep sleep. The Machop rolled over on the rocky floor and a huge explosion noise resonated throughout the forest.
The Machop awoke with a start, “Argh! What in the name of Arceus was that?”
Following the explosion, was the sound of huge boulders tumbling down from the cliff top. The Machop slipped out of his cavern and stared with gaping eyes at the huge crevasse in the western wall of the forest.
“The explosion must have torn that crack.”
He ducked back inside the cavern and beckoned his sister to follow him. She sleepily rose and followed after him.
They walked toward the crevasse, wondering about what might’ve caused the explosion. They stepped in between the thick trees and found the Marzha watering hole. The Marzha watering hole was a large lake where all the Pokémon of the forest came to bathe, and drink, and swim. It was crowded around with a large number of every kind of Pokémon one could think of. In the middle of the lake towered a humongous dragon. It was about twenty feet long. It had light blue scales and a tan belly. Its head was covered with large, fancy, white fins. Its gaping mouth was very intimidating, but that was not the reason why all the Pokémon at the watering hole were scared.
“Ach! Yew ‘mons sicken me. Why do ull of yew cowah to me if something scares ye?” shouted the Gyarados.
“Not all of us are scared Martin,” shouted a young Nidoking, “We want to do something.”
“I don believe yew speak for ull of them young’un. Yew mus be respec’fo and lissen to yor eldahs,” shouted the Gyarados, “Yew are no’ allowed to speek agayn.”
“The elders request that someone investigate,” grumbled an old looking turtle with a forest growing on his back, “We need to have security!”
“Peace, eldah,” said Martin to the Torterra, “Who volunteeahs teh go investigate the exploshun?”
The Machop’s sister shuddered, “Nathan, I’m scared. Can we go back to the cave?”
“No, Laeluh,” said Nathan sternly, “I feel…I dunno…I have this feeling that…explosion…I just feel like I hafta go all right?”
“Just promise me we won’t get hurt, okay, Nathan?” sniffled Laeluh.
“I’ll protect you with my life.”
“Well, do we haf anee takahs?” shouted the water dragon.
“We will!” shouted Nathan.
“YEW? YEW will go do this? Don make me laff Nathan. Yor jus a li’uhl Machop. And yor sista. Sheez a babeh Meditite!” scoffed Martin.
“I seem to be the only taker,” said Nathan, staring Martin straight in the eyes, “Either you except, or we’re gonna have a problem.”
“Very well, Nathan. Under the command off the supreem eldah counsul, yew are charged tew go to the great crevus, and find out wut made the exploshun.”
All the congregating Pokémon gasped as Nathan and Laeluh walked away towards the crevasse. They never thought that any small Pokémon would have the courage to do this. Nathan was different.
I’ll show them. They’ll all remember my name.
“I have to…catch up…to them,” panted Comet the Ledian.
Comet was a female Ledian. She had two legs, and four arms. She had bright red skin, and a large head with bulbous eyes and black, horn-like antennae.
Comet was flying just above the tree line of the Marzha Forest. She had experienced what had caused the explosion. She had also arrived too late at the meeting. She was currently flying as fast as possible to catch up with Nathan and Laeluh. Comet didn’t want them to meet the same fate as others she had seen. The ladybug shuddered as she cranked up the speed.
“This’ll take forever,” complained Laeluh, “The crevasse is SO far away.”
“Well, we can play eye spy to pass the time,” said Nathan.
“Oh, great idea Nathan!” shouted Laeluh excitedly, “I spy with my little eye…something…green”
“Is it the grass?” sighed Nathan.
“Oh, yes, Nathan! You’re good at this. Now you try!”
“I spy with my little eye…something…black.”
“I dunno Nathan. Tell me,” chuckled the Meditite.
“It’s that cloud of black specks behind that bu…Well that’s weird. They were just there a second ago. Well, it was nothing,” said Nathan, “Your turn.”
“I spy with my little eye something moving, creepy, and red.”
Out from the top of the tree line appeared a Ledian. The Ledian flew down and sat cross legged in front if the group.
“That moving, red, creepy thing would be me little lady,” chuckled the Ledian.
“Why are you here?” asked Nathan, “I have never seen you before.”
“Oh, I travel around with my friends Ordario and Winston. They’re a lot of fun. Wouldn’t be your best interest hanging with them though,” stated the Ledian.
“Ordario and Winston? Those don’t sound like Pokémon names. By the way, I’m Nathan, and this is my sister, Laeluh.”
“Well, they are Pokémon, but I will tell those are not Pokémon names. My name is Comet, and I have come to warn your forest of a great danger.”
“Is it that bad?” asked Laeluh.
“Oh, it is worse,” chuckled Comet nervously, “You see, I was flying along the cliff wall…”
I was flying along the cliff wall this morning. You know, leisurely fly. I enjoy one because I normally don’t have that freedom. Anyway, I was flying along the wall and I saw a Magnezone at the bottom of the cliff wall. It was huge, steely, and had one eye. It stuck out because you don’t normally see Magnezones floating around forests. But more bizarre then that, the entire area was extremely calm, and smelled HEAVILY of sulfur. I stopped to take a break on a high branch of a nearby redwood to observe the Magnezone.
I heard some large crashing noises from below me, and when I looked, I spotted a large, grey reptilian figure with a single horn on its snout. A Rhydon it was. The Rhydon walked out into the clearing and asked the Magnezone what he was doing. Then, the Magnezone dissolved into black specks.
I saw the black specks race across the ground at the Rhydon. They were faster than the fastest Dodrio you’ll ever see. When they met the Rhydon, it howled in pain and collapsed. The specks blanketed the Rhydon, and nothing could be seen.
The specks cleared. I saw the Rhydon lie on the ground motionless. The cloud of specks sifted through the air into the shape of a Rhydon. Soon, they even gained a similar color. The speck Rhydon trotted off.
I flew down to the other Rhydon to inspect it. When I reached it, I found that there was a huge crack down the center of its stomach. I looked inside, and there was nothing. No organs. The inside was coated with some black substance. I looked at his eyes, rather, where they should have been. Instead, there were two holes through which I could see where his brain would have been, which was also gone.
All of my fears had been confirmed.
This strange cloud of shape shifting specks was one of the rogue swarms of Ahktar. Twelve years ago, a mad scientist was researching nanotechnology applications to deliver medicine more efficiently. During his research, he came across a program called Predator. He thought if he applied it to the nano-robots, it would make the bad cells the prey. It did. It also made everything else its prey. The nano-swarm came upon him and possessed his brain. Some say he still resides in the Ahktar Desert today. Along with the first swarm, countless legions of swarms were released from his lab. They ravaged Ahktar for seven years. Some unseen reason halted them, and they all shut down. But some still said they saw the swarms, and they were right.
That’s not all. I saw that Rhydon later on walking along the cliff. It smelled of sulfur. It halted right in front of a huge crag. It reared back its head, and released a massive blast. The following events were catastrophic. Part of the cliff was shorn away from the other, and the sulfur smell got so intense that I passed out.
When I woke up, it was gone.
“And that’s all that happened.”
“Wow!” shouted Nathan, “How are we going to go up against that?”
“You’re not,” said a firm voice.
“Who’s that?” said Nathan.
“It is I. The great and powerful Bartimaeus,” said the voice.
From out of a bush came an Alakazam. He was a tall, yellow figure with two horn-like protrusions extending from the top of his head. He had brown plate mail covering his chest, knees, and forearms. He had a large, long mustache, and in each hand held a spoon.
“You cannot defeat the rogue swarm. It is impossible. The scientist made them so,” said Bartimaeus sternly.
“Well fine. We’ll just leave. C’mon guys,” said Comet.
“Who said you could leave?” hissed another voice from behind the bush.
From behind the bush emerged yet another figure. This one was cat-like, and black. It had a pink feather crown on its head and feathers where its ears should be. On its hands were huge claws, and there was a yellow jewel on its forehead.
“My name is Palshtar,” said the Weavile.
“We said we could leave,” stated Nathan, “Now get out of my way.”
“Oh, it won’t be that easy,” chanted Bartimaeus, “Psybeam!”
From out of his spoons shot a multi-colored beam heading straight toward Nathan.
“Light Screen!” shouted Comet.
A yellow mirror-like object materialized in front of Comet. The beam made contact and reflected back at Bartimaeus. It hit him square in the chest. The impact sent him colliding with a tree, and he passed out.
“Ice Shard!” shouted Palshtar.
Ice crystals sprouted on his hands and he disappeared. He reappeared immediately behind Nathan and launched him into a tree. Nathan landed on the ground, dazed.
“Cover your ears,” shouted Comet, “Bug Buzz!”
Laeluh and Nathan covered their ears while Comet opened her mouth. She emitted an extremely high pitched scream. It shattered Palshtar’s ice fists. Palshtar fell back on the ground; eyes crossed, and passed out.
“We…hafta…leave,” panted Comet.
“Let’s hurry then,” said Laeluh.
Nathan shakily rose from the ground and limped away from the carnage with the other two.
The air smelled slightly of sulfur.
04-19-2008, 01:26 PM
“We’re almost there Nathan,” said Laeluh.
“Good,” he replied, “I need to sit down.”
The group walked through a clearing and came to the cliff. It was infinitely tall and one could barely make out the difference from the top and the clouds. A huge crack ran down the entire length of the cliff. There were huge chunks of granite and limestone strewn across the clearing, but that was it. There was no sign of a fire, no scent, nothing.
“Well that’s strange,” pondered Laeluh, “I thought there would be more…carnage.”
“Well, maybe if we went further north, there would be more evidence of something,” said Comet.
“Let’s go then already,” groaned Nathan.
They ventured up the cliff wall for half an hour.
“I need to take a break now,” stated Nathan.
“Fine,” said Comet, “You have half an hour.”
The group lay down, and soon, they were all asleep.
“Mmm. What’s that smell?” moaned Nathan.
He woke up, and woke up the others.
“Do you smell that Comet? Laeluh?”
“Yes,” they said in unison, “It smells like…like…”
“Like sulfur!” gasped Nathan.
The group looked toward the tree line, and sure enough, a Rhydon emerged. It was an extremely large, lizard-like creature. It was grey with a tan stomach, and it looked as if it were made of rock. It was a normal sized Rhydon, except its eyes were pure black.
“Uh-oh,” said Comet, “We have some trouble here.”
The Rhydon opened its mouth and a stream of black particles shot out. The particles met Laeluh and flew down her throat. She began to choke.
“NO!” shouted Nathan, “Dynamic Punch!”
Nathan’s right fist began to glow white. The air all around them grew extremely hot. Nathan let out a scream and rushed at the Rhydon. His fist made contact with the reptilian Pokémon’s stomach, and an enormous inferno followed. Huge plumes of fire erupted from Nathan’s fist, incinerating the Rhydon’s particles.
The flames cleared and there was nothing. The swarm was gone. Nathan sat down and panted. He had to figure out how to save Laeluh from suffocation. Just when he began to turn around to do something about it, he smelt the most intense smell he had ever smelled. He used everything in his power to prevent from fainting, because the sulfur smell had returned.
As far as Nathan could see, the ground looked like it was moving. He heard a faint beat through the air. It was like a heart beat, mimicking his own. The cloud was trying common predator behavior! It was mimicking his prey’s actions to seem more familiar.
Nathan looked around him, searching for any stray particle. A ring of black specks rose surrounding him. He was expecting this.
“Ice Style: Hidden Power Attack!”
Waves of Ice emanated from Nathan’s body, striking down the particles. Still, more rose to form a Machop that looked just like him.
The swarm Machop’s right fist began to glow and the air heated up. Nathan stared forlornly in the Machop’s face and closed his eyes.
The other Machop released the Dynamic Punch
“COUNTER!” shouted Nathan.
Nathan caught the fist inches before his face. He twisted it fast and heard a snap. Immediately following, he shot his own quick Dynamic Punch into the Machop and it was incinerated in plumes of fire.
Nathan plopped down on the ground, exhausted.
The cloud reared up in front of him, forming a large mouth.
It was preparing to eat.
Far away from the forest, In the Ahktar Desert, seven miles underground, a conversation occurred. In a dark room with numerous computer consoles and screens flashing images, a voice laughed.
“Well well,” chuckled the mysterious voice, “I believe we have found the rogue.”
“What do you wish me to do, Master?” inquired a pink, lizard-like creature.
“Chives, I wish you to initiate the sequence,” said the voice seriously.
“Y-y-you me-mean th-the sequence, Master?” questioned the Slowpoke, “The sequence that you haven’t messed with in twelve years?”
“Yes, that sequence Chives. Initiate Predator Order 713.”
“A-as you w-wish Ma-Master,” stuttered Chives.
He walked over to the computer terminal. He inserted his tail into a hole in the console, and turned a key. The numerous screens all flashed red with white writing reading: Warning: Predator Order 713 Initiated.
“Let the fun begin,” laughed the voice maniacally.
The mouth gaped before Nathan. As he stared into the mouth, he thought of his sister, and his dead parents. The constant beat emitted by the cloud was unbearable now. It was like his life clock ticking out of time. His eardrums were ready to burst.
“Psychic!” shouted Laeluh hoarsely.
The cloud was enveloped in a blue light and was thrown back into the forest. Nathan walked over to Laeluh and had her use Psychic to remove the particles from her throat. She did and she was safe. They began to walk away.
Five minutes later, Nathan heard the beat noise again. Loud pulses followed by nothing. He turned around and there it was. A tsunami of particles towered above him. They crashed down.
Comet dove in front of the crashing wave of nanobots throwing up a screen of energy. It held them back…temporarily.
“GO! Run while you can! Save yourselves!” Comet screamed.
Nathan wiped away a small tear as he turned away and ran. Laeluh stole a quick glance back as she ran, and saw Comet flex in pain as she was consumed by the cloud.
The siblings reached the explosion crevasse and lied down. They were very tired. For the second time that day, they fell asleep on the cliff wall.
“Hello, friends,” chuckled a voice.
Nathan slowly opened his eyes and was met by Bartimaeus, the Alakazam.
“Palshtar and I are serious now. We have our trainers with us, so you have a problem.”
Nathan stared at the tree line, and a pair of two human men trotted out. They were both of medium height, and had fair, tan skin. The both had scruffy, bearded faces.
“Mhm. That’n looks good Palshtar. Gimme that’n so I can train’it tew,” said one of the poachers.
“Ice Shard!” hissed Palshtar.
“Psycho Cut!” said Bartimaeus.
Ice crystals spawned on Palshtar’s fists. He knelt down and back flipped onto a tree branch, then promptly disappeared into the leaves.
Blue energy began forming around Bartimaeus’ spoons. It grew so that it was as if there were blue swords spawning out of his spoons. He rushed toward Nathan and slashed at his left arm.
Nathan screamed in agony. The blade felt extremely cold. It had slashed clear through his left bicep, and the warm splash of blood was felt spraying all over his left arm. He knelt down in pain.
Palshtar sprang out of a tree behind him and struck him in the back with one of his ice covered fists. Palshtar withdrew, then repeatedly jabbed Nathan with the ice shards. He was losing power fast.
Nathan caught the scent of burnt ozone for a brief second, and then screamed in pain again at the ensuing sound. It sounded like a thunderclap during a storm. He got up the energy to turn around, and saw Laeluh standing, panting. Palshtar was sprawled on the ground with a huge burn mark on his chest. Small lightning sparks pulsed over his body.
“Why you little girl! You struck me!” shouted Palshtar in disbelief.
“Dang right, meanie!” shouted Laeluh back, “Quit hurtin’ my brother!”
“You’re done, puny girl!”
“No, you’re done!” she shouted.
Her right fist lit up and the air buckled under the heat. She charged, screaming at Palshtar. Palshtar’s fist lit up with ice, and he charged as well. There was a tremendous explosion. The signature flames of Dynamic Punch boiled out in plumes. The flames cleared, but both Pokémon were fine. There was a huge, charred wall of ice between them, an effect of the collision.
Palshtar chuckled as he faded into darkness. He reappeared behind Laeluh and struck her on the shoulder. Laeluh passed out.
Nathan stared on. He couldn’t do much now. He would do his best though, for Comet.
Palshtar charged, ice shards flaring. He swung, but Nathan caught his arm at the wrist. Nathan spun, and twisted the arm with him. He pulled, and heard a satisfying cracking sound, immediately followed by a howl of agony.
“He broke my arm!” howled Palshtar.
“No worries,” chuckled Bartimaeus.
Bartimaeus was behind Nathan. He slashed with his Psycho spoons at Nathan’s hamstrings. Nathan howled in pain too, as he knelt to the ground, unable to stand.
“Now, before I take your freedom,” said Bartimaeus, “Would you like to know more about the swarm you will be serving?”
Nathan whimpered. The pain was so great he was unable to talk.
“This swarm is made of tiny nanobots. Nanotechnology is anything below the size of 100 nanometers. Indeed, these particles are somewhere around the range of ten. You can only see them because there are so many. There is at least three trillion bots per swarm. They consist of a tiny solar cell, a seeker protein, and an assembler arm. The protein senses substance, the assembler arm then dissembles an object atom by atom, or makes objects atom by atom. These robots are functionally able to reproduce then. The solar cell can carry a charge for three hours. Once the sun is down for three hours, all swarms are out of commission until the day starts. I don’t know why they seek prey to feed on, or what they’re doing with it. I just know they do. Now, prepare to feel my Psycho Cut.”
Bartimaeus raised his spoons above his head, blades flaring. He began to strike when…
A fully grown Feraligatr materialized to the Alakazam’s right with a fist covered with ice. He swung and sent Bartimaeus soaring at the cliff wall. He made contact, and immediately, every bone in his body shattered.
A Primeape materialized in front of Palshtar. His fists and feet moved so fast it was as if there were 100. The Weavile flew back from the Close Combat and collided with a tree, immediately fainting.
A Hypno stepped out from a bush and put one of the poachers in a headlock. A Noctowl descended from the sky and stared at the incapacitated poacher. The Noctowl’s eyes lit up blue, and the poacher fell asleep.
A Gengar materialized in front of the other poacher, stared into his eyes, and immediately put him to sleep.
Nathan stared at all the Pokémon. There was a large brown owl with horns, a yellow human-like figure with a white mane, a large, blue crocodile, a ball-shaped monkey, and a dark purple, round ghost.
Two humans stepped out of the bushes. One was a male with short light brown hair. He was wearing burnt orange basketball shorts and had an oil-colored plain t-shirt. The other was a female with long brown hair. She wore blue jean capris and a pink t-shirt. They both had fair skin, and their eye color could not be discerned.
“We have to leave quickly,” said the boy, “Your entire forest is in great danger.”
“You’ll have to come with us,” stated the girl.
They both took out red and white spheres. Nathan saw the boy aim the ball at his sister and she was engulfed in a crimson light. He looked at the girl and saw the ball flying at him. He let it hit him. Everything grew red, and then went black. He suddenly felt very warm, then very numb.
Desired Pokémon: Meditite and Machop
Difficulty Level: Medium and simple respectively
Character Count: 22k (Approximately)
Meditite for me, Machop for Crazy
ready for grade
05-04-2008, 02:45 AM
Sorry for taking long with this. Hope the grade makes up for it. ^^;
Plot: So Nathan the Machop and Lilauh the Meditite wake up after an explosion rattles their cave home. They to the lake of the forest, and there they agree to investigate what had happened after they talk to a Gyarados. On the way, they meet a Ledian by the name of Comet who tells them what might be the cause of the explosion. They also cross paths with an Alakazam and Weavile who are defeated by Comet. After a climb, they meet up with the swarm. A battle ensues which consumes Comet to let the siblings escape. However, Alakazam’s and Weavile’s trainers wake them up, but after two trainers come with their Pokemon, they are saved and captured.
This was very original, way different than a normal trainer story so I commend you on that. Though a Pokemon going off in some kind of adventure had be done before, the nanobots and the swarm was very interesting, I’ve never read anything like it; I like sci-fi stuff like that so it was enjoyable to read. All I could say is that maybe you could have elaborated more, more specifically with the Slowpoke and his master and the two trainers at the end. It left me wondering which would have been good if you were planning on continuing this. Just make sure that when you have moments like these, explain them if you are only planning to leave it as a one-shot so that the reader isn’t left with unanswered questions.
Introduction: Nicely done, the story opened up very nicely. The surroundings, the Pokemon, they were all described and did not leave me confused as to what was about to happen. Maybe you could have described more of the wildlife, how the Pokemon lived and whatnot since this is a Pokemon-centered story with only a few human appearances. Maybe how the Pokemon made their homes in the cliff sides or how each lived in their own piece of land, etc. I just think if the story is more Pokemon-centered than human-centered, you can put more emphasis on the Pokemon and how they live, just my opinion. ^^;
Also, there’s something I’m going to mention about the description of the characters but I’ll put that in the “Description/Detail” section so stay tuned!
Grammar/Spelling: This was pretty good, there were only about a handful of mistakes, but most of them were typos or a small little rule.
“Not all of us are scared, Martin,” shouted a young Nidoking,
“Oh, great idea, Nathan!”
You sometimes you implemented this but sometimes you didn’t. Whenever one character addresses another, you put a comma before the name of the person that is being addressed. It looks messy when you sometimes put the comma and sometimes you don’t so always do this.
The north path was very rocky and was plagued buy rock type Pokémon.
“Buy” should be “by”, of course. Also, I think “rock” should be capitalized because it’s a specific Pokemon type, not just a simple rock. However, this a matter of preference since there’s no rule for this, but I think it just looks more professional like when you capitalize “Gengar” and “Poke Ball”.
Length: More than enough, good job here. =)
Description/Detail: You description and detail was nice, I got a good picture of the story I was reading from Weavile’s Ice Shard to Weavile himself. Even the not so important characters like the poachers were described enough for me to see them than to just imagine any guy. Sometimes, however, some parts were too vague and not described enough. More often than enough, it was when characters were moving from once place to the other. For example, when Nathan and Lealuh had just left the lake. You don’t tell is if they were in a path or just whacking through bushes in order to get to the site of the explosion. Another situation like this was when they ventured up the cliff. Did they have a hard time going up the mountain that had many sharp rocks or was their a path they could follow? Moments in a story where you have to get a character from Point A to Point B is tedious to do since you just want to go on with the story (that’s how I feel anyway), but you still need to describe what is happening or had happened. It doesn’t need to be super long, something like this can give us a good picture without creating a very boring chapter:
They climb up the cliff was harsher than all three of them expected. With no trees in their path, only thirsty rocks the size of a Golem in their sight, Comet was forced to fly all the way, and with the exhaustion she suffered to catch up with them earlier, she barely had any energy for every wing beat. Nathan and Lealuh were trying their hardest to just put one foot in front of the other, their breaths coming in short gasps as they cleared away thorn-infested bushes from their path.
It may be a short paragraph, but it can still give us a better picture than “They ventured up the cliff wall for half an hour.”
Another thing I would like to point out is the description of the characters. Overall, it’s nice, but you can describe them better than just listing the information. Instead of saying “He was covered with blue fur”, you can say something along the lines of, “His light navy fur ruffled as he rolled in his sleep.” Adding some kind action while you’re describing can make description (for objects and characters alike) less boring and more interesting.
Battle: This was one of your best areas. All the attacks were nicely described, the battles were even and not farfetched. All I can say is maybe ante up the descriptions, make them more vivid. Describing the after effects of the attacks better suck like burned fur or cuts on the face can also improve your battles. Other than that, nice job on your battles. ^^
Outcome: I really didn’t have a doubt after I finished reading the story. Machop and Meditite captured! Remember to elaborate more on plot details, and describe even the tedious scenes of your story. All that aside, though, have fun with your Meditite and give crazy a good slap for making you PM me. =p
05-13-2008, 12:59 AM
This is the beginning of my new series: The Swarms of Ahktar. This: Initiation: Predator Order 713 (http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/forum/showthread.php?t=80739) is the introduction to it in case you need it. Might wanna read the large text wall before that story starts to get a little insight about this ;). Btw, Pokémon can talk in this because the main characters have translators.
Chapter One: The Oasis Column
“So what’s the problem?” asked a small humanoid covered with gray skin and maroon armor.
“Well, according to my sources, the swarms have returned,” said a boy with dirty blonde hair.
A group of humanoids walked through a deeply wooded forest, the front being led by a small, blue, lizard-like creature with fins on his head. He held a large, blunt sword in his hand and was hacking away at the thick vegetation in front of them.
“So,” panted the Machop, “What are your names?”
“Well, I’m Hawk,” said the boy.
“I’m Morgan,” said a girl with flowing brown hair.
“Well, as you heard from Bartimaeus, this entire region is under siege from thousands upon thousands of swarms of nano-robots. Each swarm consists of several trillion bots, and is solar powered. You are in danger from sun rise, ‘till three hours after sunset from these things. They are VICIOUS. If you get caught, they will take your body and bring it into a certain place.”
“Well, where would this place be?” asked Laeluh the Medicham
“It is an expansive underground cavern system in the Ahktar desert. We humans know it as The Hive,” answered the teenage girl.
The group hacked through the forest some more. They left a wide trail in the brush.
“So…where are we going?” asked Nathan the Machop.
“We’ll be going to my Grandma’s house in the Ahktar desert. She knows what’s been going on, and I’m sure she’ll tell us how to get through this,” answered Hawk.
“Oh, and thanks for saving us,” said Laeluh thankfully.
“Yeah…about that,” said Nathan, “How did you get there to help just in time?”
“Well, you know a Ledian named Comet, right?” asked the boy.
“Yeah. She saved us from one of those nano-swarms. She was rea…wait. How did you know about Comet?” asked Nathan, startled.
“Comet was mine, Nathan. I raised her from a little Ledyba,” said Hawk, his voice faltering.
“We’re sorry for your loss,” said Laeluh sadly.
The group walked silently through the brush, making their way further south. South was the exit to the Marzha Forest. It was also the entrance to the Ahktar desert.
A large, grey lizard was taking a drink from an oasis out in the Ahktar Desert. It was a small pond surrounded by green grass and palm trees, but beyond that, were the punishing wastes of the desert.
The lizard grunted as the hot, dry desert drafts bombarded his rock-like side. He dipped his rocky face once more into the depths of the large pool.
Just then, he heard a faint pulse. It was barely audible and extremely low pitched, but still, it was audible. He listened to it patiently more and more until he realized it was exactly like a heart beat. The beat was thumping at the exact same intervals every time.
He stared deep into the depths of the pool and saw a large dark shadow. It burst through the water rearing its ugly head. The shadow was a large blue dragon. It was approximately twenty feet long and had large frills surrounding its gaping mouth. The Gyarados glared at the Rhyhorn readying for an attack.
Surprised, the Rhyhorn launched a bolt of web-like lightning at the water dragon. The bolt made contact with the dragon, but the Gyarados split into trillions of tiny, black particles.
All the Rhyhorn could do was watch in horror as the swarm of particles rushed into every gap in his body. They entered through his eyes, mouth, nose, ears, and gaps in his armor. Soon, he was overridden and incapacitated.
After several minutes of a roiling mass of black, the particles began to take shape. They formed into a large, dinosaur-like creature with an immense horn. Its arms grew extremely large and holes formed on its palms. A wrecking ball sprouted out of the rock plated dinosaur’s tail. The mass turned into a Rhyperior.
The swarm looked exactly like a real Rhyperior. Even the once black particles had managed to make the correct colors. The only difference was the eyes. The Rhyperior’s eyes were solid black, with not even a glint of any other color.
This was the Predator in action. This was what the swarm was intended to do, ambush its prey, and gain new forms to use in the hunt.
“Are we there yet,” groaned Nathan, tired.
“Yes we are,” said Hawk confidently.
The air around them had grown extremely dry. The local foliage was receding around them, and the machete was no longer needed. They stepped over a line of grass and sand, and saw themselves looking over a vast wasteland of sand. There were two sheer walls of rock leading into the desert. The walls were about sixty feet high and they were separated by a mere twenty feet on the ground.
The group stepped through the walls, tripping over the rock-littered earth. They stepped through the walls and gazed across the punishing, barren ground.
The desert lasted to the horizon, and nothing but sand and a small tornado several miles to the right were visible. A cool but dry breeze gently blew against the boy’s gray shirt.
“Well, we’re in the desert. What now?” asked Laeluh.
“Now,” said Morgan, “We go to Grandma Takeno’s. She will tell us what we have to do.”
“Well, girly, where might that be?” said Nathan, irritated, “There isn’t anything in sight for the next twenty-one miles.”
“Exactly,” she responded, “Is the wittle Machop Pokéman enough to walk mo than twenty one mi-owes?”
“You watch, winch. I could walk fifty miles carrying a Gyarados,” he retorted.
“That isn’t a very polite thing to say to your trainer,” said the girl, brushing sand off of her plain white shirt, “I might just have to stuff you back in the Pokéball.”
“Oh!” shouted Nathan sarcastically, “I’m soooo frightened. Please, don’t send me in the Pokéball.”
The group walked on through the punishing sands for another three hours. They stopped on the peak of a rare grass-covered hill while the sun was directly overhead. They sat down and procured a lunch from their backpacks.
In front of them spread out on a checkered blanket, was a wonderful array of foods. There was fresh cheddar, packs of crackers, a loaf of summer sausage, six golden delicious apples, and a large thermos of apple juice.
They set up a small canopy above them with random sticks and another checkered blanket from the packs. They sat on their blanket and feasted on sausage and cheese sandwiches, and gnawed into their sweet apples.
“Well at least this is better than that junk in the forest,” mumbled Nathan through a mouthful of food.
“I’ll say!” shouted Laeluh, “This sausage is great!”
The group chomped down on more food, until only crumbs remained. Hawk wrapped up the crumbs and put them back in his pack for future use. The group took down the canopy, and packed up the picnic blanket.
They continued walking, occasionally taking swigs of juice from the thermos. They traveled across the countless dunes. Their lips were chapped, and their feet were sore. They ventured through the desert until the sun was setting below the horizon.
At sunset, they came across a small shack in the middle of a palm grove. It was a tiny cottage made of dark brown planks, and it was placed upon a tract of grass big enough to play baseball on. The house was shaded by ten large palm trees, and this shade was a welcome site for the travelers.
They walked up to the screen door on the low porch. They stared into the darkness of the house, and occasionally glanced at the windows, though nothing glanced back.
“Takeno!” shouted Hawk, “May we come in so that we can hear your tale?”
“Come in my dearies,” said a raspy voice from inside the house.
A small, hunched over old lady stepped from the shadows. Her face was lined by spider web-like wrinkles, and her eyes were barely open.
“Even though it is still evening, it is too bright. Come in so that I may see,” chanted the elder.
The group stepped inside the house. It was dark but cozy. There was only one room and a bed laid in one corner, while a stove and sink laid in the other. They sat down on a dirty old couch, and stared across the room at another couch. An Alakazam was seated on the other couch. He had yellow skin, and long a mustache. Instead of brown plate mail, he had shiny silver plates covering himself like armor. Strapped to his waist was a belt and on that belt, two pewter spoons were hanging. The Alakazam stared at the humans, his large horns scraping on the back of the couch.
The old lady walked in, brushing dust off of her pink, flowered apron. She pushed up her bushy hair before sitting down.
“Well, I see you have met my friend Konda,” said Takeno.
“Yes, I believe we may have met,” grumbled Hawk angrily.
“Well, good,” chuckled Takeno, “Now I believe you want to know of The Swarm?”
“That is right old woman,” said Hawk.
“Very well. It all started thirteen years ago. Konda and I were exploring the desert, he is not captured, mind you, and we came across a large cave. We ventured into it and deep down, found large steel structures that looked like World War II underwater mines. They were all covered with goo, and some even had an occasional human or Pokémon encased within. We were chased out by a swarm, and we never returned. I believe that if you want to discover the secrets of the swarm, you may want to visit the hive. At night of course, or else you would be eaten.”
“Well, we’ll be going now then,” grunted Nathan.
“Oh no, deary. You cannot go because your trainer cannot. These swarms seem to have a taste for beings of the female gender. I believe it will just be Hawk and Konda.
“WHAT!?!” shouted Hawk, “You want me to go with KONDA!?!”
“Well of course, deary. Konda is highly trained and qualified for this mission. I just advise that you try not to capture him. He gets really angry really fast,” she droned, “The Hive is thirty-seven miles west of your current location, though Konda can teleport you the majority of the way.”
“Well, I guess we’ll be going,” sighed Hawk.
The two stepped out of the cottage and began walking.
“I see you haven’t changed much,” grunted Konda.
“You have big boy,” Hawk replied, “Where’d you get that shiny piece?”
“Oh, picked it up off of a poacher,” he replied.
“You still got that physical thing you got going on, or are your normal now?” asked Hawk.
“Oh, mix now,” he replied, “Let’s just say I’ll beat you now.”
“Oh really? Ordario ‘n I perfected Ice Mastery and Gator-Chain. I’d say you’re the one who’ll get beaten.”
“Oh, don’t worry. You won’t have to deal with it unless you really piss me off,” Hawk chuckled.
“Well, let’s go,” sighed Konda.
Hawk took hold of Konda’s right forearm. Konda closed his eyes, and the two were gone in a flash of light.
05-31-2008, 02:53 AM
“This desert is soooo hot,” complained Laeluh.
“Don’t worry Laeluh,” said Hawk, “It’s almost night, then we can set up camp.”
“Let’s set up camp soon,” stated Konda, “The Medicham is tired.”
“Patience, Konda,” said Hawk as he eyed the Alakazam’s protective titanium armor, “The more distance we cover now, the safer we are from The Swarm.”
“Oh, come now, Hawk,” chuckled Konda, uncharacteristically, “Why must you be so paranoid of The Swarm? We haven’t even neared the Oasis Column. There shouldn’t even be a swarm within miles!”
“Oh yeah? Well that’s what Comet said when she went to help Laeluh and Nathan,” said Hawk, a tear running down his cheek.
Comet was Hawk’s Ledian. A Ledian was a human-size Pokémon with four arms and compound eye lenses. She resembled a large ladybug. While Hawk was on his journey to the Ahktar Desert, Comet informed him that there was peril in the forest. He told her to help and he would arrive soon. As he journeyed through the forest, Comet was assisting Laeluh and Nathan, her brother, through the forest to rendezvous with Hawk. On the way, they were assaulted by a swarm. The swarm almost suffocated Laeluh, broke Nathan’s ribs, and took Comet’s life.
“Well, I’m so sahwy I hurt the witto boy’s feewings,” sobbed Konda sarcastically.
“Oh, no. I won’t have you making fun of me you tech nerd,” shouted Hawk, “Go, Ordario!”
Out of Hawk’s Pokéball emerged an enormous blue alligator. He stood on two legs, freeing his muscular upper arms. His belly was free of scales, and was a tan color. On his back, was a series of vivid red sail-like ridges. Across his face and back, were countless scars from his many battles, particularly noticeable was a scar running from the crest of his head to his right eyelid, a memento of a fight he had with a Mankey that was enclosed in a Pokéball no more than fifteen feet away from him.
“This won’t last nearly as long as last time,” chuckled Konda.
From off of his waists, Konda removed two pewter spoons. His eyes glowed a bright blue, and from the spoons grew large, three foot long blades of pure, bright blue, energy.
Hawk eyed Konda’s formidable psychic blades as he said, “Well that’s cool, but check this out. Ice Mastery!”
Ice crystals spawned from the Feraligatr’s fists. Ordario slammed his hands together, slowly pulling them apart revealing a large pole of ice. Once the pull was six feet long, Ordario formed a large spiked ball on the tip, effectively forming a mace made of ice.
“Now, Ordario,” shouted Hawk, “Gator-Chain Mark Two: Ice Style!”
Ordario roared as clouds of red and black mist rose from his feet as he used a Dragon Dance attack. Small, blue pulses of lightning rippled across his huge muscles.
“Initiate Phase One!” shouted Hawk.
Ordario vanished. He completely and utterly disappeared into nothing. Konda was astonished and taken aback. He never knew something so bulky was capable of such incredible speeds.
Konda was aware though. Being a Psychic Pokémon, he could sense where Ordario was, but the more he knew where he was, the less he knew of his speed and the more he knew of his speed, the less he knew of his location.
Konda finally pinpointed a location just in time. He swung around quickly and sighted Ordario materializing in the air, his mace held high over his head. Konda got his swords up just in time as Ordario swung the mace down with a force of 690,000 PSI.
Konda’s psychic blades immediately shattered, his spoons flying off somewhere to his left. Ordario dropped his ice mace, quickly forming two daggers made of ice, holding them like scissors to Konda’s neck.
“You have no idea how much I would like to end your life right now,” growled Ordario in a low tone.
Konda stared nervously at the blades and said, “Save it, Ordario. You need me to stop The Swarm. Once that is accomplished, we can fight again.”
“You’re lucky I’m not in a bad mood,” growled Ordario in a raspy, gruff voice, “I would have snapped you in two.”
As Konda picked up his spoons, he heard a faint sound. It was barely audible, as if it was just in the distant recesses of his mind, but it was there. He spun around multiple times looking for the source. Then it got louder. It was a loud beat, like a bass on a stereo.
It was the sound of his own heart beating.
He examined the sound thoroughly. It was as if some cruel thing was trying to hunt him, mimicking its prey so that it was unexpected. Konda glanced over at Ordario, and saw him swatting the air around his head. He stole a quick glance over at Laeluh and Hawk. Laeluh was plugging her ears and Hawk had put two fingers on his neck, feeling for a pulse.
Then it hit him.
“The Swarm!” shouted Hawk and Konda simultaneously.
They stared at the horizon and saw nothing. They gazed to the skies, and still, they saw nothing. They looked at their feet, and there, clouds of black particles rising around their feet. Unprepared, the group lunged toward Konda. They disappeared into nothing, as they teleported away from certain death.
Several horizons away, they set up a small camp. Hawk, Konda, Ordario, and Laeluh gathered around a fire, telling stories. Hawk and Ordario told about their numerous adventures, Konda told about when he first met Hawk, and Laeluh told a touching story of how she lost her father.
“I can’t believe your uncle killed your father,” said Hawk, astonished.
“It’s the way things are,” sighed Laeluh, “It is time to sleep.”
The group all lay down on blankets spread on the dry floor. Ordario sprayed a small jet of water at the fire to put it out, so as not to alert The Swarm of their presence. The group slept in silence under the starry sky, unaware that several miles away, The Swarm had pinpointed their location.
The large Swarm Rhyperior trudged through the dunes, running out of energy. Two and a half hours had passed since sundown, and it had half an hour to travel far enough to the biologics camp. The Swarm Rhyperior made it within one mile of the camp, and then its power was cut off. The Rhyperior slowly disintegrated into dead particles of black dust on the desert floor.
The group woke up the next day early.
“I sense The Swarm nearby,” said Konda, waking up Hawk, “We need to leave before sunrise so that we have a head start to the Oasis Column.”
Hawk quickly packed up his Pokéballs and provisions in his backpack. He let Ordario and Laeluh out of their Pokéballs, and they continued their trek.
At midday, Konda picked up a huge vibe.
“Hawk, The Swarm has locked on to us. We either run, or turn and fight. We have a better chance if we make it to the Oasis Column.”
“Well, looks like we’re running,” said Hawk while he returned Laeluh and Ordario to their Pokéballs, “Go, TonTon!”
Hawk threw another Pokéball, and from it emerged a ten foot tall brown mammoth. She an upturned pig nose instead of a trunk and she had enormous tusks made of solid ice. She had a large, white mask-like patch on her face that surrounded a blue patch of fur around her eyes.
“C’mon, Konda. Get on.”
The two jumped onto the Mamoswine’s back as she dashed off heading north to the Oasis Column, aware that close behind, a hulking Rhyperior was tanking away after them.
Three miles behind them, the Swarm Rhyperior was acquiring a target lock on his prey. His mechanical eyes sliced through the dust kicked up by the Mamoswine. The Swarm sighted a young human male, about fourteen years old, an Alakazam male, about twenty-five years old, and a Mamoswine female, about two years old. It also sensed numerous orbs around the human’s waist that contained considerable amounts of power, two of which it deemed a threat.
The group reached the Oasis Column. The Oasis Column was a large vegetated area in the center of which was one of many oases scattered throughout the Ahktar Desert. Every oasis in the desert is around the same size of one hundred feet across. Every oasis is also three hundred feet deep, and every oasis is interlocked by an underground expanse known as the Ahktar Trench. The Trench expanded under the desert to incomprehensible distances and went as far as 37,000 feet deep in some places. It was inhabited by every type of water Pokémon in existence, and also another couple species that were classified as unknown and extremely dangerous.
They settled down in front of the oasis pond, awaiting the arrival of The Swarm.
After three minutes of waiting, it arrived. The heart beat pulse was so loud and close, it wasn’t audible because it sounded like everyone’s own all at the same time. The particle mass formed into a large, dinosaur-like creature with an immense horn. Its arms grew extremely large and holes formed on its palms. A wrecking ball sprouted out of the rock plated dinosaur’s tail. It took on a reddish-brown color with orange, block-like armor straps.
It growled in a metallic voice, “Targets acquired: three. Three threats recognized. Classification: Alakazam, orb, orb. Designated Sierra-1, 2, and 3. Top threat identified. Others unidentifiable. Prepare to be hunted.”
The Rhyperior crashed its large hands together, slowly pulling them apart forming a yellow ball of pure energy. Orange arcs of lighting pulsed between its fingers, creating a barrel of lighting inside of which was a huge pulse of energy. The creature groaned as it released the massive Thunder attack.
The huge bolt of lightning rushed towards the unprepared Konda. TonTon jumped in front of the bolt, absorbing it without harm. Her partial ground type protected her from any electric type attacks no matter how powerful.
The Rhyperior groaned, “Unrecognized target blocked attack. Designated Sierra-4. Reacquire targets including Mamoswine. Reevaluate best course of action…processing complete. Execute tactics.”
The Rhyperior immediate dove underground, disappearing from sight.
“This is where I come in,” chuckled Konda.
He drew his spoons and ignited the swords. He flipped down the visor of his armor so his eyes were covered by a single lining of deep blue quartz. He stared down at the ground, as if he could see The Swarm, which he could.
He took three paces to his right as he told the Mamoswine to move over. He stared directly in front of him into space. He reared his blades back ready to slash, as Hawk released Ordario and Laeluh, briefing them for battle.
The Rhyperior burst out of the ground right where the Mamoswine had been. The instant he broke ground, Konda slashed with his swords, tearing huge gashes in the Rhyperior’s otherwise impenetrable hide. Small black particles rushed out of the gashes, quickly rushing back in to keep its armor in check.
The Rhyperior stared at Ordario and Laeluh as it said, “Sierra-2, and Sierra-3 identified. Classification: Feraligatr, Medicham. Commence predatory procedures.”
The Rhyperior pointed its hands at the ground, sharp stone points forming all around him. He used some unseen power to lift the Stone Edge attack out of the ground. The stones leveled above the ground. It extended on of its arms as the sharp stones rushed at the group.
Konda slashed all the stones coming at him with his blades, going unharmed. Ordario formed two maces out of ice, smashing every stone heading toward himself and TonTon. Laeluh stopped the other stones with her Psychic attack from hitting herself and Hawk. She immediately reversed the attack on the Rhyperior, striking a critical hit on its eyes.
The unfeeling swarm howled in pain because it was programmed to behave life-like. It stared angrily at the Medicham, stomping on the ground and directing a crack through the ground at it. The Fissure attack split the ground below her in two. She fell through the yawning gap. Just as she passed through the gap, it closed tightly on her waist like a vise. It immediately shattered her pelvis, and the sheer pain was so intense, she passed out.
"Sierra-3 neutralized. Relocate targets...targets acquired. Commence predatory procedures."
Ordario was enraged as clouds of red and black mist rose from his feet. The familiar arcs of blue lighting pulsed over his rage ridden muscles. This particular Dragon Dance was overloading his muscles with intense power. He stole a quick glance at Konda and winked. They both disappeared into nothing. They moved so fast, not even the highly advanced mechanical sensors of The Swarm could determine their speed, which was faster than light.
Konda appeared on the Rhyperior’s left, slashing off its left arm. It howled and turned facing the Alakazam, clamping its right fist around its neck in a vise, seconds away from crushing Konda’s head like a water balloon.
Ordario howled as he materialized fifteen feet above The Swarm’s head. He brought down the twin maces on the crest of The Swarm’s head, with so much power, the ice maces instantly shattered into microscopic pieces. The pressure behind the strike was so great, it was not only immeasurable by any device, but it created a full magnitude ten earthquake that pulsed through the desert and could be felt around the world. An enormous shock wave shot out from the epicenter creating gigantic sandstorms all over the desert and sending more sand to every location in the world.
The Rhyperior split into trillions of nano particles, soaring several hundred miles into the distance from the force of the strike. Where the Rhyperior had been standing was a twenty foot deep crater with a seventy foot diameter.
Lying where the Rhyperior had been before it was obliterated into practically nothing, was a scarred, unconscious Rhyhorn. Black foam bubbled from its mouth as the inactive nano-bots were forcibly expelled from the Rhyhorn’s body by its immune system.
“Well, that was…troublesome,” said Hawk.
“That is nothing,” sighed Konda, “There are more swarms, and they probably have more advanced forms.”
“Yes, you’re probably right.”
“I’ll go get Laeluh out of the fissure with TonTon here,” said Konda, “You prepare to be underwater for the next month.”
Hawk sighed, thinking about his fate underwater for the next twenty-eight days. Suddenly, from out of the Oasis Column burst a large blue dragon. It was approximately twenty feet long and had large frills surrounding its gaping mouth.
“C’mon,” he panted, “My name is Nemo. The Elders told me you would help us. We need you underwater, NOW!”
“Quick, Hawk,” said Konda, staring at the Gyarados, “prepare your things.”
Hawk gazed at the unconscious Rhyhorn, then to his waist where he held his Pokéballs.
“Nemo, you’re going to have to wait for five more minutes,” said Hawk as he unlatched a Pokéball from his belt.
“No, we have to go NOW!” shouted Nemo.
“You’ve waited this long, I’m sure another five won’t hurt.”
He knelt down beside the Rhyhorn and touched it with the white button on the center of the red and white sphere. The Pokéball yawned open, shooting a crimson beam at the Rhyhorn. The Rhyhorn changed into a Rhyhorn-shaped translucent red light. The light was sucked into the ball and it closed.
The ball wiggled once…twice…
Targeted Mon: Rhyhorn
CH required: 20k-30k
CH have: 25,089
Status: Ready for Grade
P.S. Whoever grades this, I would like for them to grade every other story of this series so as to avoid confusion.
06-13-2008, 07:32 PM
Eww, my head hurts. ><
Okay, first and foremost, you NEED to put some kind of summary before the story begins if this is a continuation. If I hadn’t read your previous stories, I would have not graded this because going back and reading your past stories would be too much trouble. Because of this, graders might not grade your story. Brief us before the story, tell us about what happened in your past stories, about the relationships of your characters, and anything else you think is important. It might be tedious, but it will save the grader a lot of time. Just keep that in mind, okay?
Plot: So Nathan and Laeluh continue their journey in finding out what is causing all the trouble with their new trainers, Hawk and Morgan. The travel to the Ahktar Desert to talk to Hawk’s grandmother about the swarms. After they do that, Hawk, Knoda, and Laeluh travel to the Oasis Column. The next day, they know The Swarm is approaching, and they battle is when they meet it in front of the Oasis.
It was pretty good for Rhyhorn, certainly interesting as the story goes on. There’s more elaboration than your last story since the characters themselves are getting more information as they travel, so I hope that the next part is just as informative. There were some things that bugged me. They weren’t major, but it did distract me more than once.
First is how Hawk says the old lady is his grandmother, but when they get there, he doesn’t call her as such and even seems disrespectful when he calls her “old woman”. Seeing as she is Hawk’s grandmother, I expected more of a…tender meeting. It just seemed as though he was talking to an old hag. =/
Second is how Takeno mentioned that Hawk and Konda would go alone because of The Swarm seems to target females more, and then, you add in Laeluh. It seemed as though you contradicted yourself, you just added her in there. Watch out for that because graders do notice slip ups.
Third, Laeluh was a Medidite in the last “chapter” but now she’s a Medicham? Despite the fact that your evolved her in your stats, you need to keep your facts straight in your stories. Changing stuff like this is plain our confusions and unorganized.
And lastly, about Konda. It’s obvious that he and Hawk met before, and they don’t get along, but I have no idea where they met before despite the fact I read most of your stories. This is where the summary that you need to add comes in because without, the whole “Hawk vs. Konda” thing was lost to me.
Introduction: You didn’t really need a standard introduction since this is more of “Chapter 2” of your previous captures., but I’m glad you somewhat introduced the characters. I would have liked more description on the characters like the humans’ clothes and more of the Pokemon’s features so that you refresh our memories from the last part. Since these are new surroundings, you need to describe them better. Right now, all I could were trees which didn’t help that much.
Grammar/Spelling: For the most part, it was pretty good. However, there were some typos and the likes, but nothing that made this story bad.
]The Gyarados glared at the Rhyhorn, readying for an attack.
Comma right here.
“Come in, my dearies,” said a raspy voice from inside the house.
Comma here again.
Strapped to his waist was a belt, and on that belt, two pewter spoons were hanging.
And comma here again.
“That is right, old woman,” said Hawk.
Comma right here.
, but the more he knew where he was, the less he knew of his speed and the more he knew of his speed, the less he knew of his location.
This part doesn’t seem to make sense. Maybe if you word it differently?
Konda got his swords up just in time as Ordario swung the mace down with a force of 690,000 PSI.
I would avoid using scientific terms like these because most people, liky myself, may not know what this means. Despite the fact I frequently watch “Mythbusters”, I don’t pay attention to that. It would be better if you just put some kind of simile in its place so that descrition doesn’t go to waste.
They looked at their feet, and there, clouds of black particles rising around their feet.
Should be “rose”.
Please, just proofread better because it seems like the last time I graded your story. D=
Length: No problems here.
Description: This was pretty good. You described surroundings (although now in the introduction), chracters, and the attacks. However, I did not visualize the clothes the characters wore. Remember that even small details like these are important and need to be described to the best of your ability. Keep that in mind: clothes, clothes, CLOTHES.
Also, despite the fact you describe everything well, you use colors like “orange”, “blue”, and “red”. As I read on, it gets realy boring really fast and kinda hinders the overall description. Use more descriptive colors, words that will make description pop, and when you have a lengthy story like this one, using “blue” and “red” gets old really fast. Here’s a quick list from the top of my head to show you what I mean:
Blue: Sapphire : Azure : China-blue : Cerulean : Ocean-blue
Red: Ruby : Garnet : Blood-red : Cobblestone-red : Mars-red
Yellow: Topaz : Butterscotch-yellow : Honey-yellow : Gold
White: Diamond: Creamy-white : Ivory : Ghostly-white
Use varied words throughout your story, mix it up and bring your story to life.
Reality: Okay, I rarely bring up this section, but I felt I needed to.
The pressure behind the strike was so great, it was not only immeasurable by any device, but it created a full magnitude ten earthquake that pulsed through the desert and could be felt around the world.
An enormous shock wave shot out from the epicenter creating gigantic sandstorms all over the desert and sending more sand to every location in the world.
I know what you’re trying to say, Ordario is really powerful, but really, would have so much power to create an earthquake that would be felt all over the world? Ordario is seven feet tall, the world is colossal. I HIGHLY doubt that a Feraligatr would that cause this, no matter how powerful you say he is. The world was effected in a global scale in the anime, but that was with the combined powers of the Legendary Birds and Lugia.
Battle: It was lengthy, and the fact that The Swarm was not a living thing but more of a robot made things interesting. The attacks well described, the surroundings were used; all I’m going to say is to more varied color words like how I told you before.
Outcome: Some minor plot-holes (if you can call them that) and grammar mistakes were the only major things I found. Rhyhorn captured! Remember about using varied description, check over your story more since it seems there are still a good amount of minor mistakes, tweak your plot so all of it make sense, and remember about the reality thing. Other than that, enjoy your new Pokemon. ^^
10-17-2008, 11:33 PM
Hawk has a Pokemon translator in his ear.
Last time on The Swarms of Ahktar: Hawk and his companion Medicham, Laeluh, set off on a journey to the Oasis Column in the Ahktar Desert accompanied by his archrival, Konda the Alakazam. The met for a short time with the old lady Takeno and learned information to find the hive of the mysterious Swarm, a hive mind of trillions upon trillions of vicious nano-robots programmed to hunt everything. They encountered a small contingent of The Swarm before they began their descent down the Oasis Column. It was a heated battle, but in the end, the group prevailed through a world altering strike of Hawk’s Feraligatr, Ordario, upon The Swarm’s Rhyperior’s head. As Hawk knelt down to capture the Rhyhorn that The Swarm had possessed, a tame Gyarados by the name of Nemo erupted from the Oasis Column. He told them that they were needed down in the Column immediately. We join our group in action…
Chapter Two: The First Hive
“C’mon!” shouted a long, blue water dragon.
“Shut up!” shouted a boy with short dirty blonde hair as he stared at a twitching Pokéball, “We’ll leave after I catch the Rhyhorn.”
“I, for one, would advise we leave posthaste,” said a yellow, demon-like humanoid figure we two large horns protruding from the crest of his head.
The red and white sphere made a bell-like toll sound and quit moving, signifying a successful capture.
“Yeah!” shouted Hawk loudly, “I caught a Rhyhorn!”
“Yes, that’s very nice,” said the Alakazam, “Now get on your pressurized suit, we could descend into some ridiculously deep depths down there.”
Hawk groaned as he put on his sparkling silver jumpsuit. It covered all parts of his body except his head, where Konda would put a protective psychic barrier to allow for full range of motion. He adjusted the red belt with a block pattern over his waist meant to adjust pressure inside his suit. He removed the Pokéballs from his belt from his normal clothes and placed them in accessible positions on his pressure belt.
The sun glinted off of his silver suit, making it look pure white as he eyed Konda’s protective gear. It was the same armor he always wore, metallic plate mail, covering all parts of his body. His entire body was covered with metal except his hands, and his head. For head protection, he had a uniform metal helmet with a blue quartz eye piece that stretched the full length across his eyes, forming a cyclops-like eye. On the belt of his armor, were two, simple, kitchen-grade, pewter spoons. Unlike most Alakazams, Konda wasn’t too fond of using ranged attacks. He infused his spoons with psychic energy that extended from the utensils forming two three foot long blades sharp enough to cut anything. His main fighting style took advantage of his great speed and his dexterity assisted by his psychic powers. These added together made his physical combat prowess, resisted by few and matched by one.
Feraligatr grinned at the weakling and his trainer. He was amused at their dressings. He eyed Konda’s spoons, planning his next confrontation with him. He knew that if anyone was going to rid the world of Konda, it would be him because he was the only Pokémon Konda had ever had trouble battling. He did not need such protective clothing because he was a water type Pokémon. He was totally used to the enormous amounts of pressure that he would feel when he was in the subterranean trench.
Ordario had heard many things about the legendary Trench of Ahktar. It was an enormous underground cavern filled with water. Its expanses ranged throughout the entire desert, several hundred feet underground. The Trench’s deepest recorded depth was 35,000 feet, but some people believe that seven miles isn’t even near the extent of its depths. It was inhabited by every water type Pokémon in existent, and some non-water type Pokémon. It was also inhabited by some normal creatures known to humans as Great White Sharks, Giant Squid, Kronosaurus, Mosasaurus, and Carcharodon Megalodon, a seventy-two foot long albino shark thought to be extinct with a jaw diameter of nine feet.
It was also inhabited by mysterious pride of creatures called Guivres. The Guivre was a mysterious creature that grew to be thirty to fifty-eight feet long. It had four inch long, steak knife-like teeth. Humans had never seen a Guivre in real life though, just blurry photos, a few bite marks, and several thousand accounts of a sighting. Humans commonly know the Guivre as the Loch Ness Monster.
Konda eyed Ordario nervously as he pulled his helmet over his face. He stared at Ordario’s cerulean skin, and his tan belly. He eyed his fearsome face and muzzle, his huge fangs stuck out from his upper and lower lips. His eyes were tough and shone with experience and his from his head down to his swishing alligator tail ran large red spikes. His arms were laced with veins and bulging with muscles and his hands were lined with scars from numerous strikes. Ordario noticed Konda’s wandering gaze and emitted a deep throated, muffled roar. Konda immediately turned his gaze to the towering Gyarados in the pool.
“All right, down we go. Chop chop!” shouted the impatient Gyarados.
Hawk gazed over the vast expanses of dunes surrounding their small palm tree paradise. There was nothing in sight except for the endless extents of sand. He turned his eyes too the pool of water. It was so small, but led to something so much bigger. He didn’t hesitate as he calmly slipped into the warm water. He let his weight belts drag him under as he took his last breath of fresh air he might ever breathe. He felt a sudden cold as he saw a purple tint glaze over his eyes. He felt safe now that Konda had placed the psychic barrier around his head.
He stared down into the depths and was surprised to see that the bottom was visible some 300 feet down. As he stared down into the depths, he spotted thirty or so Magikarps and two Sharpedos. The one exit from the cave was blocked off by several huge boulders, and the entire column seemed to be shaking. As they touched the bottom of the cave, they felt a tremor pulse through the entire cavern.
One Magikarp approached Hawk and said, “Dear Human, we thank you greatly for arriving so soon. We have sent young Nemo to try to get help and help he did. Thank you much, Nemo. As of now we are under attack by three Guivres. If you would be so kind to help us…”
“Wait, what’s a Guivre?” asked Hawk.
“I’ll get this,” sighed Ordario as he took Hawk over to a corner and began talking with him.
“Well then,” snorted the orange fish as he turned to Konda, “Do you think you could help us, Alakazam?”
“Well, I’m sure we could do something,” said Konda, motioning to the Sharpedos, “We’ll need them and Nemo in that corner to work out a plan.”
“Very well then, take my guards. Work out a plan and report back to me.”
“All right, huddle up!” shouted Konda as he trod over to a corner.
The black, bullet-shaped sharks swam over to the corner with the boy, alligator, and water dragon. The sun glinted off of the yellow x on the Sharpedos snouts.
“So, what are we going to do?” asked the bigger Sharpedo.
“Well, we’ll have Ordario and Nemo clear out the rocks. Then you two and I will sneak out on the sides while Ordario and Nemo encounter them head on. We will sneak up on the sides. Hawk, if there are any other Pokémon that you think could help us, now is the time to do it.”
“Yes!” shouted Hawk, “We finally get to use you, Flan.”
“What a beautiful day slash night to be in the Ahktar Trench,” sighed Phil.
He drifted through the gentle currents, his center red jewel pulsed a helpful beacon throughout the dark depths showing him the way. The vivid ruby red light shone off of the gold plating on the center of his body, giving the normally yellow plate a sickly orange hue. His five brown star points rotated with him as he spun, seething in his own ignorance, under the impression that he was safe.
Thirty feet below him, The Swarm lurked!
Some how, the nano-bots had adapted to a dark life underwater, altering the way they absorbed power to stay in the black shrouds of The Trench. The normally solar powered nano-bots had found a way to feed off of the darkness and the chemicals in The Trench, somehow forming reverse solar panels which took their energy from darkness.
The trillions of tiny robots roiled around in a tight form before compressing into a form of a Pokemon. The black cloud condensed into the shape of a seven foot tall bipedal organism. The black sheen of their plating matched their surroundings, then grew lighter as their photoreceptor eyes changed their color to match the coat of the Pokemon they were mimicking. The reptilian form was now a sky blue color, almost luminescent in the intense blackness of The Trench. Red spikes extended from the spinal column of the swarm and the belly of its form grew a pale tan color. The reptile’s head grew more pronounced and its jaw became squarer. Sharp, steak-knife teeth protruded up and down from the creature’s lips, slightly opening its cavernous reptilian jaws.
The newly formed swarm Feraligatr slowly swished through the dark depths up the now several hundred feet toward the meandering Staryu.
As Phil floated gently along the currents, he heard the sound of bubbles behind him. He whipped around and was confronted by the gaping maw of the Feraligatr. He darted off quick; he stopped and turned around unleashing an enormous bolt of lightning from the points of his stars. The electricity surged through the water and pulsed through the swarm. The Feraligatr tensed in agony, but didn’t falter whatsoever and kept approaching the little star. As Phil slowly accepted his fate and the Feraligatr wrapped its arms around his quivering form, he felt the influence of the swarm.
He felt the swarm’s malevolent presence pulse through his entire conscience being, finally pausing at his brain right behind his star jewel in the center of his body. He felt the swarm slowly surround his control center, then begin taking over. His body trembled as he struggled against the swarm’s influence, but it was no use. This swarm was designed to be powerful, powerful enough to take control of one’s body. He screamed as loud as he could, but his shouts were muffled by the Feraligatr’s metallic body. He shouted once more in agony as the swarm finally wrested full control from the Staryu, as Phil felt himself fall down into an abyss of nothing within his own mind.
Hawk took out a half red and half white sphere, pressing a button in the center. The ball opened quietly releasing an immense mass of crimson light. The light formed into a three foot tall figure. The figure began growing fatter; sprouting a wide, flat tail. The light began to fade away, giving way to a beaver coated with brown fur. A patch of fur on the beaver’s breast and a jagged strip across her flat tail was a light tan color. The beaver also had a mask-like formation of hair around her eyes and nose that was also a tan color. Dark brown fur coated her hands and feet and the main part of her tail. She had a bright, cherry-red nose and two buck teeth protruding from her upper mouth.
Konda sighed, “That’s your secret weapon, a Bibarel?”
“Hell yeah!” responded Hawk quite annoyingly, “What the hell did you think it would be, a Milotic?”
“To be quite honest,” spoke Konda condescendingly, “I expected it to be something more…more lustrous.”
“Well, like what?” inquired Hawk.
“Oh, you know. Something like a Milotic or a Kingdra or maybe a Starm-”
The entire column vibrated with intense tremors as the raging Guivre on the outside thrashed about, trying to reach the tasty morsels on the inside.
Ordario growled, “Let us get on with this ordeal, so that I may howl in triumph.”
Ordario smashed his hands together, pulling them apart while tendrils and wisps of living ice rushed between his clawed fingertips. The ice condensed and elongated into a four foot long rod with a three inch diameter. An enormous spiked ball with an eighteen inch diameter sprouted from the tip of the rod. The newly formed mace made the water surrounding it start to cool.
Nemo leveled his twenty-eight foot long muscular body in front of the wall of boulders blocking the entrance to the column. Ordario slammed his mace into the wall around the boulders, embedding the sharp spikes several inches deep into the wall. The mace was supported above ground because it was stuck into the wall, this would prevent it from cracking on the warm ground.
Ordario jammed his massive talons into a boulder while Nemo slammed his hulking shoulder against another boulder. Ordario heaved to the right as his massive shoulder muscles rippled and bulged from the effort. Nemo roared as he pushed the boulder through with his massive bulk. A visible vein on Ordario’s forehead throbbed violently as he finally managed to shove the boulder out of the way. Nemo gasped with relief as his boulder fell out of the way.
“Damn these efforts!” Ordario howled.
The hulking reptile threw back the bulk of his upper body and stared at the sunlight above for what seemed like ages. He slowly allowed his jaws to hang agape, and within seconds a small ball of yellow energy formed just above his tongue. Suddenly, a high pitched whine, almost whistle-like resonated within the chamber, originating from Ordario’s now gaping maw. The once pebble sized ball of energy was now the size of a large beach ball, to big to fit comfortably in Ordario’s mouth. He snorted through his nostrils as he inhaled a quick breath.
“Hyper Beam!” He shouted through his open mouth.
He leveled his jaw with the imposing boulder and with a low rumble, the ball of yellow and orange energy was expunged from Ordario’s mouth and transformed into a beam about three feet in diameter. The beam hurtled through the water at blinding speed at smashed into the boulders. The boulders wouldn’t be the ones to keep that beam at bay, no, the beam kept going, exploding the boulders in an instant and continued into the dark of The Trench.
The murk settled around the entrance, then, they heard the roar of the Guivre. It had now absorbed the complete scent of its prey, and it was mad with hunger.
Ordario unhooked his ice mace from the wall and calmly stamped out of the column with Nemo at his side. The pair of water Pokemon slowly swam toward the now calming Guivre.
Hawk, Konda and Flan slowly stepped out of the side, being careful so as to not be scented by the Guivre. In the faint light, Hawk was stunned.
What floated in front of him was no “Loch Ness Monster.” It looked more like an Aerodactyl.
“Ah,” said Konda, “I see you recognize the Guivre. Yes, your assumption is correct. The Guivre is a form of aquatic Aerodactyl without wings and instead possessing very large forearms.”
As Hawk and Konda parted, Hawk going left with Flan and Konda going right, he examined the Guivre. It looked exactly like the other Aerodactyls he had seen except for the aquatic features and the size. The size was very unnatural for an Aerodactyl, and according to Flan, the size was even relatively small among Guivres, this particular specimen being about thirty-four feet in length. He eyed its light grey color along its full body, and the purple webbing in between its legs and body, indicating where its wings once were. About twelve feet of the Guivre’s body length was devoted to its enormous tree-like tail with a sharp arrowhead on the end. The body widened up near the Guivre’s shoulders and then thinned at the neck. The Guivre’s head was a rectangular prism and had two cylindrical spikes extending from where a creature’s ears would normally be. The creature’s snout was rather square-like and inside that square maw were ten rows of six inch long steak-knife teeth.
Hawk watched on as Nemo and Ordario did combat with the Guivre. Nemo, being only slightly smaller than it, crashed head on and locked his teeth over the creature’s rippling neck. Ordario began grappling with the creature head on, fending off its enormous jaws with his mace.
Konda nodded at Hawk as he teleported somewhere unknown to Hawk.
“Flan, do whatever you can to defeat it.”
“I shall do what I can,” replied Flan calmly.
Flan swam six yards closer to the Guivre than began charging some electricity in her hands.
She released a thin stream of electricity shouting, “Charge Beam!”
The laser of electricity surged through the water and gently struck the Guivre’s hide. The Guivre didn’t even feel it. Konda materialized just above the creature’s right arm, slashing it with his pewter psychic blades. He immediately teleported to Hawk as the monster shrieked in agony.
“In the name of Arceus!” sputtered Konda, “What is your beaver doing?” he asked as Flan once again launched a weak stream of electricity at the monster.
“You watch Konda.”
The Guivre thrashed once more and managed to loose Nemo. It immediately turned and gnashed violently at his neck. Nemo let at a brief whelp as he slowly drifted back down toward the column entrance, unconscious.
Ordario was beginning to get overwhelmed, and then he decided to go offensive. Ordario began wildly flailing his mace, scoring multiple hits on the beast. Flan snarled as she launched another beam of electricity at the Guivre, this time though it seemed to take effect because the Guivre flinched at the impact. Ordario took his opportunity and smashed the Guivre’s forehead inside its skull. The beast floated there motionless for several seconds, before the insidious black nano-robots began filling back in the emptied brain cavity. Ordario emitted a short whimper as the monster rushed its tail at the Alligator, immediately knocking him unconscious.
“Oh, hell no.” said Flan nonchalantly.
At of nowhere she began forming a huge amount of yellow energy above her head. Sparks pulsed across the balls surface and surged around her body.
“What’s going on?” inquired Konda, “That is immense power.”
“It is Flan’s ability,” Hawk said smugly, “It doubles her power boosts, and all those Charge Beams increased her power exponentially.”
Then, Flan shouted, “Thunderbolt!”
A monstrous bolt of lighting shot out of the yellow orb, surging through the water and struck the aquatic Aerodactyl with force. The Guivre shrieked and quickly spewed a beam of yellow and orange energy at Flan. Flan extended her arms and a green and orange translucent barrier formed around her and the two others, deflecting the Hyper Beam. Satisfied with her successful Protect, she enjoyed watching the Aerodactyl droop in fatigue.
Flan laughed maniacally as she shouted, “Thunder!”
This time, no orb formed above her head. Out of nowhere, the biggest bolt of lightning anyone had ever seen came down from the ceiling of The Trench and surged through the Guivre, shorting every nano-bot in its body. The black particles fell away toward the depths and there lay a motionless Aerodactyl, a plain non-aquatic one, floating in front of them.
Hawk’s eyes lit up as he threw a Pokéball which absorbed the avian-like reptile in a swathe of crimson light.
The orb wiggled once… twice…
10-18-2008, 04:05 AM
Then burst open! Now there was no Aerodactyl there, but instead a full-size Gengar with totally black eyes. It had a round dark purple body with thousands of spikes protruding from its back and one, long tail. The Gengar opened its mouth wide and stuck out its three foot long tongue and fluttered it at Hawk.
In a voice that exactly matched that of James Earl Jones, the Gengar said, “Filthy meatbags. You have no hope against the might of the swarm. We will conquer your lands, and prey on you people. What say you, meatbag?”
Hawk responded quickly, “To Hell with you! We’ll kick your butt before you can blink!”
In a very deep and smooth voice, the ghost responded, “We shall see the outcome of our war, meatbag.”
“Yes, black pellets,” responded Konda, “You have no chance.”
In its urbane voice, the swarm ghost once again responded, “We shall see the outcome in the swarm hives. There are two, maybe three in this trench. I will be in one of them, and if you happen upon me, I will feed upon you flesh.”
With that, the Gengar dissolved into trillions of tiny black pellets and they drifted away into the depths upon the gentle currents of The Trench.
Hawk gently swam down to the entrance of the column and observed Konda heal Ordario and Nemo for the rest of the day.
Jeeves was not having a good day. He had just been assaulting a boulder slide leading to the surface when a beam had knocked him aside. He had returned to the site to find a stocky meatbag and a big, long meatbag confronting him. The rushed him and the long one bit his neck while the stocky one smashed him on the head with a hard stick.
Then an Alakazam came and slashed his arm. Some beaver began tickling him with a line of something; he paid no heed to it. He eventually managed to shrug off the Gyarados and cut his jugular. The Alligator smashed in his cranial cavity, and then he had to refill his head with his robots. He smashed the Alligator in return with his tail.
Suddenly, he felt something from the beaver, it actually hurt! That accursed dimwit had actually attempted an attack on him. Then it attack again and cracked several ribs. He finally realized the severity of the situation. He reared back and shot his most powerful attack on the poor creature, but it had deflected it somehow with a magical wall of lights. The stupid beaver finally called down a surge of lightning with no source, and it shorted out all but the most crucial of his swarm brothers. He lay motionless, hoping the foolish meatbags would approach closer while he was in a more viable form.
To his dismay, they didn’t and instead engulfed him in this claustrophobic darkness which he could not stand. He broke free and assumed his normal form and exchanged pointless banter, inserting a subtle hint to the meatbags so that he could feed.
“I am in no good mood today,” sighed Jeeves.
Jeeves was a Gastly that had willingly been absorbed by the swarm to augment his power. The swarm had given him the power of a Gengar, while he gave them in turn a compliant vessel to do their bidding. The swarm gave Jeeves much more freedom then it would give a normal victim, as Jeeves was willing.
He sighed once more as he sat in his empty cave. The cave had about 3000 square feet of space and was embedded in the cliff four miles down the side of The Trench. For the exit of his little hive, there was a pool of water about three hundred square feet in size. This pool led into a small tunnel that opened into the main body of The Trench. The north wall of his cave was covered entirely by Liquid Crystal Display screens of computers and had four keyboards. With all the monitors, he could keep track of almost every swarm in all of Ahktar, as he was one of the five hive minds, or leaders, of the entire swarm.
On the other side of the cave was an entertainment center with a television with several thousand channels, a large couch, an enormous fridge, and a huge pantry that stored preserved foods, carbohydrates and meats.
Jeeves observed his monitors and noticed an abnormal looking Starmie floating into his tunnel. He immediately jumped to alert and stood waiting by the pool. A purple star with ten points emerged from the murk. Gold plating surrounded the center of the star which was a bright pink amethyst. At least, it should have been a bright pink amethyst, but the swarm had changed the normally radiant jewel to a completely black as pitch diamond, that seemed to radiate evil.
“So, swarm number seven,” asked Jeeves, “What is your host?”
“Our host is a Staryu,” responded the Starmie in a very metallic sounding voice, “I…I am called Phil. No. We are called Phil.”
As the star talked, it seemed that its host would break free of the shackles placed over its consciousness, but the swarm reasserted its authority and tightened its vice-grip over the Staryu’s mind.
“Very well, Phil,” spat Jeeves condescendingly, “I need you to patrol the trench outside and alert me as to when…when our friends will get here.”
He said these last words with increased emphasis and a cordially tone, as to seem friendly.
“We will serve you, Master Jeeves,” droned the metallic voice of the Starmie.
Phil slowly drifted down into the pool and back into The Trench. Jeeves snickered to himself at what a pathetic being that Staryu was. Still, he felt pity for the poor thing. Knowing swarm seven, it probably snuck up on him while he was taking a leisurely swim. Of course, any sane being couldn’t feel sorry for someone who fell to a fate such as that.
Suddenly, Jeeves felt a pang of remorse for his decision to be taken over.
He began thinking about being free when a booming, sinister voice rang out inside his head, “Surely, you jest Jeeves? I did not intend to allow my swarms to absorb you and then you to desert. Being integrated into The Swarm is a lifetime commitment that you absolutely cannot wiggle out of. Don’t believe me? Well then I absolutely implore you to try. See what you have got yourself into, and then regret your decision of losing what freedom you have.”
Jeeves thought about it for several minutes. On one hand, he could lose his will and what freedom he had left forever. On the other hand, he could remain with The Swarm and be what most people would call enslaved for the rest of eternity. He couldn’t bear it anymore.
“Master Oromis, I am terribly sorry, but I absolutely must be free. You and your black pellets are in my way and I intend to destroy both.”
“Very well,” boomed the voice, “You have cast your lot. Let us both hope it was a good choice.”
With that, Jeeves’ head was assaulted by the quintessence of agony. He howled in terror for his life as the nanobots around him fell away. Phil slowly rose up from the pool.
“Master says you have betrayed us,” droned Phil.
“No!” shouted the Gengar, “Help me!”
As he said this, he began to devolve back into a Gastly, his round body growing smaller and rounder until it was but a sphere. His spikes retreated and he grew a small gas cloud around his body.
The nano-bots that had fallen off his body joined with Phil, augmenting his size.
“I have given you everything. Freedom, power, control,” boomed the voice, “And yet all you do is abuse it. You shirk your duties to me and go by your own rules. Well no more! I have given you all that you are and I can take it back. You will no longer have any freedom. You shall be just as much a slave as Phil here, only you will both be hive minds now. Enjoy your decision.”
The voice cackled maniacally as it faded off into the deep recesses of Jeeves’ mind. Jeeves shrieked in terror as the now hostile nano-bots rushed at him, engulfing his body. The absorption process felt much less friendly and much more painful then the first time. He felt The Swarm engulf his brain, filling in every single crevice and asserting control over every single function. He felt the very essence of evil flow into his mind, enveloping his thoughts. He felt The Swarm’s pure malevolent presence overpower every thought. Finally, he felt Oromis take control of his body from the main hive. He felt Oromis shove his consciousness down into the abyss of his mind, where even he could not get out. He stared up from the depths of an infinite pit, devoid of all thoughts. Alone in the world. Alone. Forever.
Hawk slept quietly on a rock in the depths of the Oasis Column. The previous day Nemo’s jugular had been lacerated and Ordario had his ribs fractured. Konda had managed to repair it mostly, but residual pain still was present.
Hawk woke up to see Ordario stretching and smashing blocks of ice into the wall, obviously practicing his bodily functions. Nemo lay coiled in a spiral, sleeping on the ground. His neck no longer had the open gash in it, but there was a jagged scar that ran the length across his neck.
Hawk sighed as he sat up and began stretching his muscles. Sleeping underwater was definitely not a comfortable experience. He reached up to his head through the psychic air barrier and ruffled his dirty blonde hair. It was dry and flaky due to the lack of moisture in the Ahktar air that was filtered through his bubble.
He walked over to the sleeping Magikarp and chuckled. What a funny sight it was to see the mass of huge orange fish lying motionless on the rocky ground.
He sat back down on his rock and called Konda over.
“Konda…did you notice that that Gengar seemed like there was more than one being inside of him?”
“Well of course Hawk. He has trillions of beings in him.”
“No, I mean…like…real beings. Ones that have a consciousness, like you and I, not some robot.”
“Well, Hawk,” sighed Konda, “Now that you mention it I suppose I did notice it.”
“It unnerved me. I think we’re in over our heads. There’s something more powerful in this then either of us could imagine.”
“We’ll just have to press on, Hawk. We’ve already got in and we have to get out.”
“I suppose so, Konda. Good luck in finding the tunnel.”
Konda walked over to a nearby boulder and sat. He was about to release his soul from his body so he could search the Trench without risk of harm.
Konda exhaled and calmed himself. He took in one last deep breath, and exhaled. This time, as his breath brushed against his yellow mustache, a small white ball emerged from his mouth. It was the brightest light one could ever hope to see, and by looking at it, one could be blinded forever.
Konda’s soul emerged from the column and out into The Trench. From his soul, Konda could see everything around his spherical form. He moved to the other side of The Trench, which at this location was only four hundred yards across. He scoured the wall up and down for any sign of a tunnel.
Half an hour later, he had covered thousands of feet of cliff wall but had seen nothing. He began to lower himself to three miles down. He looked for another two hours and found nothing. He finally lost his patience and went the full seven miles down.
He searched the floor of The Trench. He was surprised at how big it was. He saw volcano stacks spewing sulfuric chemicals and many other fish. He saw a white turtle swim by with a hulking shell and two cannons sticking out of the shell. As his soul floated through the depths, he saw a flash overhead. It was white, but not made of light. He looked behind him and saw nothing. He went on, wary of his position. All of the sudden he felt something behind him. He reared around and was backed down by the gaping maw of a seventy-two foot long albino shark. Its jaw was hyper extended and had a diameter of nine feet. Konda freaked and began zooming away. The Megalodon pursued at forty miles per hour, keeping even pace with the little white ball. He couldn’t out move the Megalodon and he was devoured. He was scared, but then realized he wasn’t really dead. He muttered a magic word that instantly returned his soul.
Konda jolted awake in the Oasis Column. Hawk was standing several inches from his face.
“Man, you were out for hours and ten minutes ago you started spazzin’ like crazy.”
“Sorry,” said Konda, slightly rattled, “I know where not to go now.”
Konda reassumed his cross-legged position upon the rock. He closed his eyes and exhaled his soul once more.
The small, bright orb floated out of the column once again and traversed to the opposite side of The Trench. He spent two hours each observing different altitudes.
At four miles he saw a faint white flash rush by beneath him. Konda hid behind a system of crags for the next half hour until the Megalodon left.
The soul emerged from the crags and began scanning the wall for the next three hours. During the third hour, Konda was just about to release back to his body when he saw some unnatural shadows playing along the wall. He timidly lowered the light that emanated from his soul and looked on.
There, nearly thirty feet way from him was an enormous Starmie. It must have been eight feet tall. Its multiple star points rotated around and around, while the faint light of his soul played across the star’s purple back. The figure turned around. Konda saw the intricate gold plating surrounding the center jewel of the creature. Konda was shocked to see the black diamond in the middle where a bright pink amethyst should have been. The diamond itself seemed to radiate some kind of light. Konda felt the cold from the diamond even in his soul form. It seemed like the pure essence of evil wafted from the center of that jewel.
The Starmie spotted him, and immediately the particles of the swarm shot out of its jewel and rushed toward his soul. Konda panicked and immediately released his hold on that location.
Konda jumped up from his boulder and said, “I know where they are.”
Hawk said, “Where is it?”
“It’s four miles down the opposite wall. It’s guarded by some sort of Starmie. Its jewel is different, it must be a swarm.”
“Well,” said Hawk, “We better get ready.”
Hawk sat on a nearby rock, calming his small figure as he watched those around him. Ordario was lifting boulders up and down to warm up his muscles. Konda was in a corner, sharpening a broad, three foot long sword on a rock. It seemed to be a two hand sword and it wasn’t just a spoon. It was a real, metal sword. Hawk pondered where he got it. He observed Nemo sleeping, as he had been since the fight with the Guivre. Then he looked a Flan, who was comically trying to crack open an oyster with her large teeth, oblivious to the danger that sat before them.
Hawk sighed as he thought of what he would have to do. It wouldn’t be easy and it would certainly be an interesting fight. If only he could just have some sort of power emerge in one of his Pokémon or companions that would make this ordeal all the much easier.
Hawk, Konda, Flan, Nemo, and Ordario disembarked from the cave in the morning. The warily swam to the other side of The Trench and began their gradual descent. They eyed the wonders happening around them. To the left, Hawk spotted a squad of four Squirtles, small light blue turtles with big, round tails swimming toward the ceiling. To the right, Ordario spotted a young, fourteen foot long Gyarados heading deeper. Below, Konda spotted an enormous white object flash by. He shuddered.
An hour later, they were two miles down. Konda had spotted the white object three times since the initial spotting and he was totally on edge. Even the slightest movement spotted in his peripherals made him jump.
The dark water was illuminated around them by a very bright light Konda had emitted with his Flash attack. Through the depths, they could see tiny phytoplankton and zooplankton drifting with the currents just waiting to be consumed by some herbivorous creature. They also saw tiny motes of some unidentifiable bioluminescent gray matter drifting with the plankton. No one knew what it was. The Trench had widened the deeper they went and was now about one thousand yards across. They couldn’t see the other side through the dark. The wall they were descending was a dark blue color in the light, and tiny pieces of purple, yellow, and brown sea weed thrived on the cliff wall in the brackish water.
An hour later they were three miles deep. Konda had strengthened his Flash so it gave off more light. Without it, nothing would be invisible. Konda used his psychic senses gently to search for living organisms. Three miles down and one mile away he sensed an immense presence, he shuddered at the thought. Two hundred yards a way he sensed a school of ordinary black-striped bass, and finally, one mile below and fifty yards ahead, he sensed a very faint and small living presence, surrounded by a void of life, and again, a similar anomaly four hundred yards into the cliff wall at the same altitude.
“We are near,” said Konda, “We will confront the swarm in an hour or less.”
Ordario grunted and silently formed a mace out of his ice powers. Nemo tensed his muscles.
“Let us be done with this swiftly,” snarled Ordario.
10-18-2008, 04:07 AM
They descended the last mile in fifty-eight minutes, almost exact with Konda’s prediction. In the distance, Hawk spotted the black glow given off by the purple star. He mused with himself how much a jewel of that quality would fetch on the open market.
“Who does swim within the boundaries of the hive?” shouted a metallic and raspy voice.
“Nemo, Ordario, Flan, Konda, and I dare,” shouted back Hawk.
“Targets acquired: 5,” responded the Starmie, “Gyarados, Feraligatr, Bibarel, Alakazam, Human. Designated Bravo 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5. Commence predatory procedures.”
The Starmie immediately swam straight down until it went out of sight. Konda reached behind his back to his armor and pulled out the metal sword encased vertically on his back. It was three and a half foot long, had a wide blade and a leather handgrip with a golden hilt. Orange runes ran down the middle of the sword in some unknown language. Konda’s eyes illuminated bright cerulean as the sword flared and translucent violet light ensconced the blade. The energy seemed to have a life of its own and as it rippled and pulsed around the sword it seemed to give off a gravitational pull, that is, everything around the blade seemed to be pulled closer. Konda’s yellow mustache gently waved as it struggled to touch the blade.
Ordario smashed his hands together, pulling them apart to reveal the familiar tendrils of living ice flowing between his talons. The ice condensed into a three inch thick, four foot long rod and an eighteen inch solid, spiked ball of ice sprouted from the tip. Clouds of red and black mist laced with electricity originated from the reptile’s feet as he used his Dragon Dance to augment his power and speed. The mist faded away but the electricity remained, arching along Ordario’s throbbing muscles and pulsing around his clenched fists.
Nemo did the same, with red and black mist spraying out from his scales. The mist faded and arcs of lighting pulsed along his long, muscular body. Nemo roared with rage at the swarm. He picked up the scent of The Swarm and it was the same one that had killed his mother a week ago. His eyes became red with rage.
Konda shouted, “Everyone move!”
Just as Flan finally moved away from their location, an enormous beam of violet energy rushed up from the depths. The beam seemed to draw everything toward it as the others struggled to swim away from it.
The Swarm Starmie rushed up and crashed into Hawk right in his torso, cracking several ribs. He went into a seizure caused by shock.
“Bravo 5 neutralized. Target Bravo 1.”
Electricity orbs formed on all ten tips of the star. Arcs of lightning pulsed to the center of the Starmie’s black diamond, forming another ball. From that ball, a beam of energy shot out and charged through Nemo. Nemo howled in pain, then, shrugged it off and rushed at the Starmie, slamming into the wall. The Starmie was forced four feet into the cliff once again as Nemo rammed his skull into the center jewel. The star made some sort of metallic grunt of pain as it was rammed further into the wall by the hulking water dragon’s rage. The Starmie would take no more.
The black diamond illuminated and emitted a black aura. Suddenly, Nemo was engulfed in a similar aura that was blue. His body straightened stiff and he was pulled out of the hole that he had created. The Starmie emerged from the hole, staring down the illuminated Gyarados.
“We will take no more of your insolence. Commence execution process thirteen, Bravo 1.”
With that, a series of sickening crack noises rang out from Nemo as the Starmie’s Psychic attack shattered every bone in his body. Nemo whimpered quietly as his body helplessly sank to the depths.
Hawk cried, “Nemo! We have to help him. Konda, shield Laeluh.”
Hawk threw one of his pokéballs and it opened with a crimson flash. A small, three foot tall humanoid figure emerged from the light. It had a gray body and fat, maroon legs. Its torso was very thin, and upon its head was a maroon object that looked like a hat with three little horns, one emerging from the back and the other two extending on either side of the front. Immediately around the Medicham’s face a bright blue barrier of psychic energy formed.
“Laeluh, go bring Nemo back to the Oasis Column and see if you can save his life.”
Laeluh immediately swam down into the depths and out of site, searching for Nemo’s motionless body.
Konda turned toward the Starmie and teleported somewhere unknown.
“Bravo 4 deemed a threat. Proceed with best course of action.”
As The Swarm turned its back to Ordario to search for Konda, Ordario swam right up behind it.
“You deemed the threat wrong.”
Ordario reared his mace behind him, and slammed it into the Starmie. The star hurtled into the cliff wall and burst into thousands of black particles, which then reformed back into the Starmie. The black diamond had one single crack running straight through the center.
“Bravo 3 has caused irreparable damage to core. Reassess priorities. Processing… Target Bravo 3.”
Immediately after the Starmie reassessed its targets, Konda appeared above him and with his sword, sheared off three of its ten star points.
The Starmie immediately spun rapidly, slicing numerous gashes in both, Ordario and Konda. Konda fell back, his throat spewing blood. Ordario turned, enraged from his injuries and The Swarm attacking his trainer, and smashed his mace into the Starmie, driving it into the cliff wall. He dropped the mace and formed an ice spear. He jammed it through the center jewel, pinning the Starmie to the wall. Konda slowly floated over and with a single heave, cleaved the Starmie in two.
Konda covered the gash on his throat with a shield of psychic energy to protect it until he could treat the wound. He floated over to Hawk and healed his ribs, forcing them in place with his energy. He willed Hawk to come out of shock.
As Hawk recovered, they watched the lifeless nano-bots fall away from the Starmie into the depths. Where the Starmie once had been was an innocent, little, orange Staryu. The small Staryu’s center pink amethyst had an enormous hole right through the center.
As Hawk became aware, he noticed the Staryu floating motionless. Just as he took out his empty pokéball, everything took on a green hue and seemed to move in slow motion as the entire trench quaked.
An unknown, very deep voice rang out, “Hello, my friends. You have bested one of my hive minds. I will allow you a chance to capture him. But there is so much more, meatbag. I am your true enemy. I control the swarm. If you defeat all of my underlings, they will lead you to me. The cave in front of you leads to the other hive mind. Defeat him and you will be one step closer to me.”
Everything returned to normal. Hawk threw his pokéball at the Staryu. The small star was enveloped in translucent crimson light, and then was sucked into the orb.
“Flan,” Hawk ordered, “Watch the ball for me and come into the cave when it’s done.”
Flan nodded as Hawk, Konda, and Ordario swam to the tunnel. Hawk cringed as a pang of agony coursed through his body. His ribs were in the correct places, but they were still immensely painful. He had lots of trouble breathing and had to resort to short, quick breaths.
They swam through the cave for ten minutes until a small portal above them became visible. They swam up and into a small air pocket. Small was a relative term though, the cave was reasonably big with 3,000 square feet of space. In one corner was a wall of computers and in the other was an entertainment center. Standing in the center of the room was the plump, purple ghost with pitch black eyes.
In a deep, urbane voice the ghost said, “Ah. So you have finally come, meatbags. I expected you. Of course, Master tells me everything, so I know everything.”
Ordario howled as he smashed his hands together and large balls of ice surrounded his closed fists. He raised his lips to expose his fierce teeth. The Gengar faltered slightly when he spotted the feral look the blue alligator was giving him.
Konda ignited his metal sword in a flash, staring down the Gengar with a blank face.
The Gengar cackled as he faded out of the mortal range of vision.
Konda looked around, but couldn’t even seem to sense the ghost. Ordario let out a short chuckle as the red and black mist of Dragon Dance flared up around his feet and sparks pulsed around his body. He knelt, preparing to spring out of vision, when the ghost materialized sitting on top of Ordario’s shoulders.
With a cackle, the Gengar grabbed Ordario’s head and wrenched it to the side, snapping his neck. Ordario fell motionless onto the ground. His eyes began clouding over with the mist of death. Ordario lay, watching what happened, unable to do anything about it.
Konda viciously tried to slash the Gengar, put it dodged easily and knocked the pewter spoons off of his belt.
“Oh!” squealed the Gengar, “This will be much fun!”
He picked up the spoons from the ground and with a flick of his wrists, ignited psychic blades on them. His blades had black energy though, instead of Konda’s light blue. The Gengar rushed Konda, mercilessly pressing him to block his strikes with the double blades. Konda, only having one blade, was hard pressed to defend himself.
Konda noticed out of the corner of his eye Hawk crawl over to Ordario and whisper something in his ear. Ordario’s eyes lit up blue and Konda became curious.
His curiosity was short lived as the Gengar pressed on and forced Konda to shift his attention. The Gengar knocked Konda back twenty feet, dropped his spoons and began charging a large ball of violet energy in his cupped hands. Konda’s eyes went bright blue as his sword seemed to be on fire with blue energy. The ghost released his Psychic attack with a grunt while Konda slashed his sword in the air. A blade of energy detached itself from his blade and hurtled through the air like a boomerang at the Gengar’s ball.
The Psycho Cut collided with the Psychic in the air, emitting a shockwave across the cave. Konda struggled to keep his blade going while the Gengar just laughed. Finally, the Psycho Cut slashed the ball of Psychic in half and rushed toward the ghost. It cleaved him in half vertically. The Gengar stopped laughing. He slowly reattached himself to his body with the help of the nano-bots. A look of anger was on his face.
He raised his hands and the pewter spoons flew into his grasp and immediately ignited. He took a casual glance at Ordario and saw him attempting to move. He nonchalantly raised his left hand at him and released a bolt of lightning at the paining reptilian. The lightning struck him hard and slammed him against the entertainment center, smashing the plush couch.
He rushed Konda once more, attacking him and parrying his every counter. The bout lasted several minutes before either side let up ground. The Swarm slashed up, slicing off Konda’s mustache. Konda took advantage and smacked away his swords. Konda lunged at the Gengar, satisfied to see his sword embed itself in the Gengar’s chest.
For awhile, the ghost stared blankly at Konda, and then turned his horrified gaze down at the wound. What Konda heard next was the most disturbing thing he had ever heard. The Gengar laughed. The ghost had just been run through and it was laughing! Konda examined where his sword had penetrated and noticed that there was no body around the sword. The Swarm had parted to allow the sword through without harming the main body itself.
The Gengar took advantage of Konda’s shock and sliced just above his knee caps, inhibiting his movement. Konda realized that he would fail and launched a mind assault into the future with his Future Sight to inhibit the Gengar by making him vulnerable for a time.
The Gengar began pressing him further with the blades. Konda finally got a promising parry and counter chance off but the Gengar was too swift. It slashed him across the chest, pirouetted around to his back and brought the blades down with force, hamstringing Konda. The minute the blades landed, they seared through his hamstring tendons like a hot knife through butter and the noise of them splitting was audible and sickening.
The Gengar cackled as he held the blades like scissors across Konda’s neck, preparing to execute him.
“Oh, yes! Now it’s time for you to go. So sad. Then we’ll deal with your Feraligatr friend over there,” The Swarm said nodding to where Ordario was slumped against the wall.
Or at least where he used to be slumped. The Gengar was stunned. He had broken the meatbag’s neck! This was just impossible. Suddenly, every part of his body locked up in paralysis as Konda took his turn to laugh. I knew I wouldn’t win, so I left my little token of Future Sight for you to deal with. The Swarm was struggling, for it couldn’t move.
It noticed the short boy with fair skin and hair point at him and yell, “Ordario, Superpower!”
He felt the breath of the alligator behind him brush against the nape of his neck, and he couldn’t do anything to stop him. Black and red mist sprayed from Ordario’s feet, lightning pulsing through the whole cave.
“Let us see how you react when I break you!” snarled the primeval monster.
He hurled the ghost at the control panel of computers, and immediate followed up with his open palm further smashing the Gengar’s face into the circuitry. The broken metal shards and electricity surged through The Swarm and damaged it but didn’t affect the raging reptilian.
Ordario hurled the ghost toward the ceiling, impaling him on a stalactite. He flicked his wrists and they were immediately covered with ice. He jumped up and smashed the Gengar across the cave. It crashed into the wall above the exit pool and fell, sinking into the water. Ordario walked out over the water and reached through, pulling the Gengar out from the murk. The blue monster threw him in the air like a gun target, and reared back his head. The red spikes on the back of Ordario glowed bright blue.
An immense torrent of water rushed out of Ordario’s maw and slammed Jeeves into the wall, driving him several feet deep into the limestone.
Jeeves watched, frightened, as Ordario heavily trotted over to where he was. The alligator reached his hand into the wall and ripped out the purple ghost with his hand.
Holding him suspended in the air, impaled upon his talons, Ordario muttered, “Do you wonder how I can do this, fight with such ferocity after breaking my neck?”
“I would imagine it impossible,” whimpered Jeeves.
“Well, Hawk and I have been through much. We have done endurance training and we have concluded that whenever I do an attack that requires me being angry, all of my body gets healed, even though it takes an immense toll. Sure, it might have helped that Hawk gave me a special healing potion, but that would be cheating wouldn’t it.”
Jeeves stared down what he knew as the face of death. Ordario’s vicious fangs were dripping saliva. His eyes were cloudy and his body was scarred. His muscles were tensed and throbbing. In fact, his whole body was throbbing. This gave Jeeves a bad thought of all the power contained within that seven foot tall beast.
“Squirm, Cretin, squirm!” howled Ordario as he hurled him back across the room into the broken and torn circuitry of the computers.
Ordario pulled back his right fist which began to glow white. Everything in the room seemed to grow hotter. The air around Ordario was scorching and caused him to drip with sweat. Everything in the room seemed to be pulled toward Ordario. Hawk and Konda smartly hung on to a crag in the cave wall to avoid being sucked in.
Jeeves madly clawed at the floor to avoid being sucked in but it seemed like the lure of his lit fist was focused solely on him. He madly cried out in despair as he came face to face with Ordario. He managed to stand up and he tried to fly away, but Ordario pulled his fist back violently and Jeeves landed on his feet like he was attached to a least. Ordario raised his foot and kicked Jeeves down.
He stepped forward so the ghost lay in between his legs.
“What meatbag doesn’t stand a chance? What? None? Yeah, I didn’t think so.”
Jeeves responded, “My master will still devour you.”
“Oh, hell no!” chuckled Ordario, “Dynamic Punch!”
He finally reared back his fist which now emitted a high pitch whine. He let his arm lose and it came down upon the cowering ghost. Immediately upon impact huge plumes of roiling flames erupted from Ordario’s fist. The explosion rang out through the water and into The Trench. Every creature was affected by the shockwave, even if only a small vibration.
Back inside the cave, the explosion had singed most everything. Konda’s metal armor protected him from most of the burns. Hawk wasn’t so lucky. His eyebrows were singed away and his hair was burned so far down that he was bald.
Where the Gengar once had been was a tiny Gastly, no bigger than Hawk’s head. Around it was a mass of black dust which must have been the nano-bots. They had shorted out and died from the explosion.
Ordario keeled over and passed out where he stood from exertion. Konda crawled over to the broken half of the couch and set himself on it. He took out a bag of potions from his armor and began applying them.
Hawk struggled to stand up, taking short breaths through his broken ribs. He labored his way over to the Gastly, and then plopped down on the ground.
He took a pill that would make him pass out from his pocket and swallowed it. This would dull his pain until Konda got around to healing it.
Just before he passed out, he took an empty pokéball from his belt and pressed a button on the orb’s face. A crimson beam shot out of the orb and enveloped the Gastly in a swathe of bright crimson light. The light was sucked back into the ball.
It shook once…twice…
“Hawk!” shouted a voice.
Hawk’s attention was diverted as he saw Flan run out from the pool in his dimming vision.
“Hawk! Hawk! The pokéball with the Staryu! It...”
Then he passed out.
Targets: Gastly and Staryu
Categories: Hard and Hard
CH needed: 40,000-60,000
CH acquired: 52,870
Status: Ready for Grade
10-28-2008, 01:16 AM
Man, Saturday was exhasuting. D:
Plot: A nice continuation to your last story. The “Loch Ness monster” threw me for a loop; I wouldn’t have guessed that it was a possessed Aerodactyl. Also, I first thought that the story was going to end right there, with Hawk attempting to catch the mad Gengar and the Staryu suddenly coming into the cave and attacking. You proved me wrong, and I congratulate you for that.
I would have liked to see more of Jeeves’s past and history. I don’t really get why he wanted out of The Swarm all of a sudden. He seemed perfectly fine in one paragraph, but a couple of lines later, he “can’t take it anymore” and wants out? Seemed rushed to me, especially because we barely found out about him. In the future, just try not to make things so…abrupt, for a lack of a better word. Tell us why he suddenly made that decision, what drove him to get out of this ordeal.
Introduction: One wasn’t needed since it was a continuation. I’m glad you added the summary of what happened before you began, and the brief description of characters and surroundings in the beginning was a nice reminder as to where they were and how they looked like.
Grammar/Spelling: Like before, this section was very good. However, I don’t know if this happened in your last story, but I noticed you had a lot of typos and missed words. I know it’s very easy to miss stuff like that in a big story such as yours, but you have to proofread everything to the best of your ability.
He infused his spoons with psychic energy that extended from the utensils forming two three foot long blades sharp enough to cut anything.
The word is “fused”, and it should be “three-foot long”. ß Remember that one for the future.
Feraligatr grinned at the weakling and his trainer.
It should either be changed to “Ordario” or put “The” in front of it.
It was inhabited by every water type Pokémon in existent
As he stared down into the depths, he spotted thirty or so Magikarps and two Sharpedos.
All Pokémon names are singular and plural, so for here, it’s simply “Magikarp” and “Sharpedo”.
The figure began growing fatter; sprouting a wide, flat tail
Since the second sentence is a fragment, the semicolon is used incorrectly.
I can’t stress enough: PROOFREAD MORE CAREFULLY. Sometimes the sentences were confusing with missing words or weird wording, and it could mean the difference of passing pr failing when you go for hard or more than one Pokémon.
Length: No worries here.
Reality: If all humans ever saw of the Guivre was blurry photos and some human sightings, how do they know they grow to be thirty to fifty-eight feet long and have four- inch long, steak-knife teeth?
Description: You had very good description throughout the chapter. All the Pokémon and creatures were described very well, I could see the surroundings, and the battles did not seem confusion or bland. I see that you varied your colored words like blue and cerulean, so I know you listened to my advice in my previous grade.
To really nitpick, the only thing that bothered me was that you described a lot of things in terms of feet; the cave, a creature’s height or jaws, the depth of the trench, etc. Even though you’re telling us exactly how long or deep something is, it’s hard for me to really imagine how big something is in terms of feet. In other words, it’s hard to see it because I have never measured something that is 3000 or 300 feet. What I think would be better is if you used everyday references that people would get. Something like “the cave was as big as two football fields” or “its jaws were the length of a full-grown man”. I bet everybody has seen a football field and a full-grown man in their life, so it will be easier to imagine exactly how big the object in your story is.
Also, try not to use the same similes again and again because I noticed that your used “steak-knife” a few times to describe something, same things with “pewter” for Konda’s spoons. Just try to vary it more so it doesn’t seem redundant.
Battle: All yours battles were very good and imaginative. They were a little extreme at times, though. I mean, all of Nemo’s bones being broken and expected to be alive? Hawk’s ribs being broken, him going into shock, Konda realigning them, and he’s still able to stay conscious. Though it was exciting to read, those kind of things made it seem a tad unrealistic. Remember how life threatening those things are in the real world and how your characters would react realistically in your stories for the future.
Other than that, though, nice job.
Outcome: You know, the grammar section hurt you, it just seemed as though you read through it once then posted it without looking at it again. However, all your other sections were very good, so: Staryu and Gastly captured! Your biggest problem is the mistakes in your grammar. Proofread it as much as you can, Proofread it before you post it. Proofread it as you’re waiting for a grader. Proofread it when you’re bored. The more you go over your story, the less mistakes you’re going to have. Really keep that in mind.
Enjoy your Pokémon! :)
02-02-2009, 12:52 AM
Hawk has a Pokémon translator in his ear.
Last time on The Swarms of Ahktar: Hawk and his companion Medicham, Laeluh, set off on a journey to the Oasis Column in the Ahktar Desert accompanied by his archrival, Konda the Alakazam. The met for a short time with the old lady Takeno and learned information to find the hive of the mysterious Swarm, a hive mind of trillions upon trillions of vicious nano-robots programmed to hunt everything. They encountered a small contingent of The Swarm before they began their descent down the Oasis Column. It was a heated battle, but in the end, the group prevailed through a world altering strike of Hawk’s Feraligatr, Ordario, upon The Swarm’s Rhyperior’s head. As Hawk knelt down to capture the Rhyhorn that The Swarm had possessed, a tame Gyarados by the name of Nemo erupted from the Oasis Column. He told them that they were needed down in the Column immediately. One down in the Column, Hawk met with the Council of the Finned Elders and devised a plan to destroy the attacking Guivre. After an intense fight against the aquatic Aerodactyl, The group voyaged to the First Hive of The Swarm found by Konda. Outside, they met a vicious Swarm Starmie. During the fight, every bone in Nemo’s body was broken. The star was finished off by a combined effort from Ordario and Konda. Hawk threw a pokéball at the Staryu as he left to go into the hive. Inside, they met a Swarm Gengar and commenced a fight. In the beginning, The Swarm snapped Ordario’s neck. Konda managed to distract the ghost in an intense sword fight before being immobilized, buying Hawk enough time to use a healing potion on the alligator. Ordario then slaughtered the Swarm Gengar giving up no quarter. Hawk threw a pokéball at the remaining Gastly as he passed out thanks to a pain reliever pill. Just as he drifted out of consciousness, his Bibarel, Flan, came in delivering news of the Staryu’s capture. We join the group in progress…
The Swarms of Ahktar Chapter 3: The Hatchery
Pain is an interesting thing. It is a horrible thing with all good intentions. Pain is caused by the nerve cells of the body giving off signals to the brain to warn it of danger. Sometimes pain is avoidable. Sometimes it is inevitable.
Hawk was in a world of pain. He was trapped inside his own mind, having taken a pain reliever pill to knock him out; of course he was knocked out longer than the relief lasted. His body was shackled to a metaphorical pillar of agonizing fire. His insides felt as if a burning rat had crawled inside him, and began to eat his entrails. His conscience wanted to escape. He wanted to leave the prison that was his body. The only escape from this hell, however, was death.
In the hive, Konda stood above the slender form of the boy dripping with sweat and twitching in agony. He worked vigorously with his hands, weaving an intricate quilt of pain relieving Psychic energy to use on the boy. His Recover technique was well practiced, and the energy pulses released from his hands made Hawk’s dirty blonde hair drift as if he was underwater.
Hawk arduously whispered, “I can’t escape this hell.”
Konda chuckled as he condensed the quilt of energy into a small ball clenched in his hand.
“So many times I’ve tried.”
“Oh, come on now!” groaned Konda, “Kids these days and their horrible tastes in music.”
He thrust his hand at the boy’s chest where three of his ribs protruded. It was one of the most gruesome compound fractures Konda had ever seen. The energy made contact with the bones, and then pulsed along the ivory structures into his body.
A grotesque gurgling sound resonated from inside of Hawk. His ribs slowly retracted into his body, violently twisting back into the shape they should have been in. The boy screamed an ear splitting shriek of pain.
It quickly subsided and he rested peacefully on the cold steel floor of the cave. He still sweated profusely.
Konda plopped back on his bottom and lay down spread eagle. He was totally tired out and in danger of fainting due to blood loss and his energy expenditure on the boy.
The white platinum armor plating shielding his body wasn’t enough to stop the humming blades of his stolen by the Swarm Gengar. His hamstrings lay loose and lolling, attached to nothing inside of his legs.
He focused his inner reserves on the spot, and grimaced as he felt the tendons worm their way back together and combine. He released as much energy as he had left to spare to shore up the injuries pock marking his body.
For some reason, his brain deemed his shaved mustache a problem, and immediately sprouted five inch tufts of yellow hair from either side of his upper lip. The yellow and purple bruises speckling his triangular head turned to a normal color. The twin horn-like spires on either side of the crest of his head straightened to a normal shape and grew back all pieces that may have been cut off by the Gengar. The skin seen through the holes that were sliced all over his armor was woven back together by unseen needles, and all other cuts on his body sealed.
He exhaled as steam rose from every pore in his body, escaping from under his armor through the arm holes.
He heard something behind him and shot the source a glance with his cat-like eyes to find a crouching beaver coated with brown fur. A patch of fur on the beaver’s breast and a jagged strip across her flat tail was a light tan color. The beaver also had a mask-like formation of hair around her eyes and nose that was also a tan color. Dark brown fur coated her hands and feet and the main part of her tail. She had a bright, cherry-red nose and two buck teeth protruding from her upper mouth.
“Is he all right?” Flan questioned.
“He’ll be fine in a few days,” exhaled Konda, “In the meantime, perhaps we should rest. Or possibly even watch some TV on that entertainment center.”
Konda nodded his head to the ruined red couch that was cleaved in half during the fight. In front of it was an unharmed liquid crystal display plasma screen that looked very new.
“I suppose it’ll do,” spouted Flan happily as she skipped over to the couch and grabbed a remote.
Konda got up and gently hobbled over to an arm chair and sat. He observed the inside of the cave. It was about the size of an American Football field and was lined with machinery and computers on all sides except for the raised platform where the entertainment center was.
Blue grids ran across the computer screens showing schematics for various things with binary code labels. Konda, being proficient in every language known to man, Pokémon, computers, aliens, and a few known to dolphins and monkeys, could easily read whatever the computer said. Still, the binary wasn’t really binary. It was just random zeros and ones with no real meaning, which confused and worried the aging Alakazam.
“In all my 1200 years of existence, I have never come across binary so confusing. Or any code so undecipherable. Whoever devised this is clearly a genius.”
Flan stared at the white armored demon and giggled. She had no idea what he was talking about, nor did she care. She was fully content enjoying the episode of SpongeBob SquarePants playing on the billiard table-sized television.
Over the next few days, Konda spent his time at the computer consoles of the cave, attempting to gather information, and feeding Hawk and Ordario.
Ordario was his mortal enemy. The entire seven foot tall, sports utility vehicle weight of him. He malevolently glared at the unconscious face of the Feraligatr. He was disgusted that he had to feed him like a baby, but he wanted to kill him in a fair fight, and wouldn’t let him die to mere starvation.
Every day when Konda woke up, he mashed food with his Psychic and spoon fed it to the sweating boy and the alligator.
Everyday he had to expend his energy to roll over the bulky reptile and run his hands across his azure scales to see if blood loss was occurring. Everyday he had to stare at the creatures light tan stomach and ivory, razor-sharp talons. Everyday he had to adjust the red spikes running along his spine so they wouldn’t be crushed by the floor, and everyday he had to monitor the numerous scars running along the monster’s back and the single, gruesome jagged line running from his right shoulder blade to his left eye to check to see if the scars would break in his frail condition.
Konda despised the Feraligatr more than ever with each passing day of taking care of him like a child. Everyday he wanted to simply ignite his pewter spoon sabers and end the reptile’s life. His honor prevented him from such a luxury. So for the next two weeks, seven times longer than he expected, he took care of the two males and groaned every time he heard the annoying laugh of SpongeBob SquarePants followed by Flan going into a hysterical fit.
On the last day before Ordario and Hawk awoke, he made a startling discovery on the computer. A schematic of a structure flashed by on the screen that looked like an old fashioned underwater mine. It was a steel ball with cylinders protruding from it at all angles like the spike ball of a flail. The labels around it were written in ancient Cyrillic, the mother language of others such as Ukrainian and Russian, instead of the indiscernible binary.
“Almost as if it occurred purposely…” pondered the Alakazam.
He read the characters of each word slowly, making certain that he translated right. The labels said that the machine creates new swarms. It contains a carbon core that renews itself by using the carbon-based flesh of living organisms. The mechanism then compresses the carbon into tiny specks as a base and adds on odds and ends such as gamma ray assemblers, nano-cameras, and the Hive Mind chip, which gives each robot a distinct personality and a way to communicate with the control center.
Konda shuddered as he read the list of setbacks.
It read, “Setbacks for mechanism production and process: Alakazam-deemed old. Possibly 1000 or more years of age. Human Male-young. No more that sixteen years of age. In possession of extremely dangerous orbs. Feraligatr-deemed young. No more than eight years of age. Extremely powerful and threatening. Exterminate with caution…”
Konda read over the descriptions of himself, Ordario, and Hawk and chuckled, knowing that The Swarm Hive Mind knew who they were. He was unnerved by the last threat.
“Carcharodon Megalodon-deemed incredibly dangerous. Numbers in The Trench exceeding 500. Length ranges from forty to seventy two feet long and in rare cases, may exceed ninety. Often white in color. Very aggressive and carnivorous, but will eat anything in sight. Under no circumstance should a sighted Carcharodon Megalodon be allowed life. Exterminate on sight swiftly before further damage has a chance to occur.”
“That must have been what attacked my soul at the bottom,” thought Konda.
The Megalodon was an ancient shark that was thought to have been extinct. Recent findings in the human world indicate a high possibility of a relict, isolated population somewhere on earth. Konda now knew where that relict population was. It was three miles below his current location.
The next day, Konda awoke to laughter. He sheepishly opened his eyes and saw Hawk, Ordario, and Flan sitting on the broken couch watching SpongeBob. A particularly funny instance involving nudity and invisible spray paint had just occurred, leaving the three in hysterics.
Hawk laughed, “I gotta stop or I’m gonna bust a gut!”
Sure enough, bust a gut he did. He rolled on the floor and held his stomach, laughing and crying in pain at the same time. Konda rushed over and propped him up, immediately solidifying his ribs.
“Be more careful, boy,” he snarled, “I’ve use to much energy on you for you to break something else.”
“I’ve noticed a lack of energy output on me, Konda,” snarled Ordario, barring his teeth.
“Oh, I must have forgotten. Silly me,” he joked sarcastically as his hand wandered to the leather sword hilt protruding from the back of his armor.
Ordario noticed it faster and dove at the Alakazam. In the blink of an eye, the Feraligatr was seated on the Alakazam, holding a dagger made of ice at his throat.
“You try anything silly, worm, and I will crush your head.”
“Enough, Ordario!” shouted Hawk, “We need him!”
“Very well,” snarled the primeval monster, “But when the time comes, demon, rest assured. Your brains will be my dinner.”
Konda shrugged as Ordario lifted himself off of him and trotted over to the couch, where he began laughing at another SpongeBob episode containing a prison escapee who harms tattle-tales.
“Oh!” shouted Flan, “I almost forgot! Here is your Staryu, Hawk.”
The beaver handed Hawk a red and white orb. He smiled feebly as he attached it on his belt next to the Gastly he had caught on the same day.
Konda walked over to the computer consoles and began entering in directions so he could gather more information. Blue screens containing millions of words written in white text flew across the screen as Konda’s super computer brain processed them all in less than a millisecond.
He stood up, turned around and said, “We have a problem on our hands.”
That night, they all slept soundly on the assorted couches and chairs that littered the inhabitable cave.
Ordario woke up at midnight and carefully stepped over to the pool that led out of the cave to relieve himself. As he stood there with his eyes closed, listening to the sound of the mini-torrent, some unseen force tripped him into the pool. He resurfaced after twenty seconds and he remained in the water for several more hours, swimming around like a little Totodile. He finally got out later, and walked over to the couch, where he promptly drifted off into dream land.
The next day, everyone opened their eyes to meet Ordario laughing hysterically at SpongeBob SquarePants. This wasn’t a normal sight, however, for the normally stoic reptilian.
“What’s wrong?” asked Ordario.
Ordario said this without turning his back, as if he knew they were all wondering something.
“Oh…nothing…” mumbled Konda.
He walked over to the fridge and removed several fruit cakes. The whiskey-saturated cakes were high in sugar and would provide much energy for the group.
“I got a message from Laeluh last night, Hawk,” said Konda, “She came to me in my dream and said that Nemo isn’t doing very well. He could die at any time.”
“Oh…” murmured Hawk, remembering the friendly Gyarados.
Konda seemed to be staring at the wall, and then snarled as if he saw something.
“This place isn’t safe, Hawk. I must locate the next hive immediately.”
Konda sat down on top of the warm television, and exhaled, “Miracle Eye…”
Out of his mouth emerged a brilliantly bright ball of white light. His body collapsed on top of the television as his soul exited the cave.
Through his soul, he could see anything from anywhere. His soul sank to the depths of The Trench and searched the area where he was suspicious of Swarm activity.
After several hours, he saw something horrifying. There, in front of him were five albino sharks all as long as semi-trucks. And behind them, that’s where the jewel was. Behind the sharks was a large, black cave mouth that loomed ominously, beginning only several inches above the trench bottom. Konda released his hold.
He jolted awake in the cave and sensed danger behind him. He teleported to the other side of the room and ignited his spoon sabers.
Behind where he had been was Ordario, holding a knife. Of course, he was also holding a fork and a huge beef shank was in front of him on a platter. He was eating with very refined manners and used the knife instead of his talons.
“Very out of place…” whispered Konda, “Anyway, the next, and final if my senses are correct, hive is two miles forward and about three inches off the bottom of the trench. However, there are a few troublesome obstacles that will pose major threats.”
“Major threats my behind, Alakazam,” shouted Ordario, “Let’s whoop their fannies!”
“This is getting out of hand!” shouted Konda back.
“I know, I know,” chuckled Ordario, “I was doing it on purpose that time.”
“That’s fine the…wait…what do you mean that ti-”
“OKAY!” interrupted the reptile, “Let’s go kick some butt and take some names, boys.”
“Ahem,” asserted Flan.
“I’m sorry, Flan,” said Hawk, “but we need you to keep watch here.”
“Sounds fine to me,” squealed Flan as she turned up SpongeBob.
The group prepared to go underwater once more.
The three beings gently drifted through the murk of the Trench, searching for the deadly white flash. Ordario seemed on edge. Every minute he flicked his eyes all around as if he were looking for something. Hawk wasn’t used to this behavior from his companion. Ordario had been with him for the past four years and in all that time, he never acted so nervous. Anxiously, he readied all of his Pokéballs for an emergency.
Hawk’s underwater communicator buzzed. He pulled it up to his ear and listened.
“Hawk,” shouted Flan, “There’s something strange going on here. All of the computers shut off, the fridge quit working, and the volume on the television can’t be controlled!”
Hawk shut off his communicator and got Konda’s attention.
Using his lips, he mouthed the words “read my mind.”
Konda questioningly stared back at Hawk. His honor prevented himself from reading minds of an ally without permission, but Hawk’s sudden openness worried him.
“Konda, we have a problem back at the hive,” he thought, “All of the electrical gadgets and such have malfunctioned in some way. Flan is very scared and I think it is very suspicious. This may be my imagination, but I have a bad feeling that this is related to Ordario’s anxiousness and strange behavior.”
Konda replied in thought, “So, you have noticed it too? I figured as much from someone who has known him so long. I was already concerned with his behavior but these recent happenings in the hive unsettle me even more. Like you, I believe we have a major problem on our hands. Be alert.”
“Are you fellows taking place in some suspicious activity that I am unaware of?” growled Ordario.
“Eh…Nope. Nothing,” replied Hawk.
The group descended at a steady pace for the next four hours before they gently landed on the Trench floor, seven miles from the surface.
They slowly stepped forward, very cautious from the warnings of Konda and would happen if they encountered one of the prehistoric sharks.
“Wait, I think I see one!” whispered Konda.
“This is not a good time,” replied Hawk as he stared down at his vibrating communicator.
02-02-2009, 02:31 AM
Back at the hive, Flan had been staring at the television from a mere foot away for four hours due to the malfunctioning low volume. As she enjoyed a particularly curious episode that involved bubble pie and a king jellyfish, she heard a crash.
She frantically jumped on top of the set to see a set of wrought-iron pans lying on the floor near the fridge. She began pondering the cause of this, but didn’t have much time.
From behind her, a hand pulsing with static electricity grasped her flat tail. She panicked and turned around to see a bluish-white hand emerging from the set, attempting to drag her in.
She growled, “Superpower.”
Her tail lit up pure white as she flailed the hand off. She immediately rushed the television and bashed it with her tail, sending it hurtling across the room. It crashed into the wall and exploded into millions of pieces.
She snarled as the television began repairing itself, the fragments joining together as if an invisible giant with light-speed fingers was fixing it.
The T.V. was finally repaired. The static gray and black image appeared, and slowly faded to a black background with two, slanted red eyes.
In a very deep tone, a voice rang out, “Silly beaver. You hold resistance in a situation where you cannot. Like all of these corny movies you’ve seen, resistance is futile. You have no choice but to succumb to our pull.”
Tiny black specks floated out of the screen and reached toward Flan.
She roared, “Fire Style: Hidden Power Attack!”
Five orbs of rolling fire appeared around her. She began weaving a net of fire from the balls. She threw it at the advancing swarm. The net singed through the tiny nanoparticles and they all disintegrated.
The T.V. sprouted arms and legs of Nanobots. It advanced toward the beaver. The television mech wrapped up the beaver and raised it to its screen.
Just then, Flan used her Hidden Power. She opened her mouth wide and out rushed an immense column of raging white fire comparable to that in biblical times. The tower of fire absolutely destroyed every single particle the T.V. was made of.
As the rolling inferno faded away, she plopped on the ground, tired. She reached for her communicator to warn Hawk of what happened, but all of the sudden, she was yanked back. She frantically grabbed it and turned it on. She turned around and saw a stream of nanobots dragging her into the open door of the refrigerator.
Through her communicator she screamed, “Help! They’re taking me, Help! They’re gonna-”
She was cut off as a band of nano particles rushed into her mouth. Black goo poured out of her ears and nose as the swarm invaded her cranial cavity and began seizing control of her body. Her eyes turned pure black as she was placed in the fridge. The door swung shut with a resounding thud, and all the lights in the hive turned off.
Hawk held his communicator to his ear, ““Help! They’re taking me, Help! They’re gonna-”
His face grew a sickly green hue as he looked at Konda and said, “They got Flan.”
Konda sadly shook his head. He stared back at Hawk and was surprised to see that he wasn’t crying, but staring wide eyed behind the demon.
Konda immediately realized his look of fear. He snatched the boy and Teleported a good distance upward.
They looked down where they were and saw an enormous albino shark that must have been almost the length of a profession basketball court, nearing ninety feet.
“Th-That’s b-b-big,” stuttered Hawk.
“Yes, bigger than normal,” replied Konda.
The Carcharodon Megalodon turned and rushed toward the two humanoids. It hyper extended its massive jaw to a height matching that of a basketball hoop. The two flinched as they heard a disturbing noise.
Ordario had punched the shark’s nose. It closed its mouth for a brief moment in which Ordario grabbed its jaws and ripped with force, splitting the leviathan’s head in half.
Warm blood slowly wafted through the water. They all felt shock waves go through the water.
Konda cursed, “They’re coming for us.”
Ordario snarled and clapped his hands together. He pulled them apart with tendrils of wispy ice connecting his fingers. The ice condensed into a four foot-long pole and a heavy ball of thick ice formed on the tip. He brandished his mace as he spotted the Megalodons’ white skin flash through the murk.
Konda and Hawk stared in awe at the display of power Ordario revealed. In all, there were four Megalodons. The first one, about forty feet long, came hurtling from below straight up at the alligator. Ordario flexed his pulsing biceps and heaved the mace down on the shark.
The mace made contact and a bone-splitting crack resonated throughout the Trench. The mace immediately shattered the relatively small shark’s skull. The continuing impact traveled down the base of the skull and into the spine, compressing every vertebra in the column.
The next shark, a large bull about seventy feet in length shot straight at Ordario from the other side of the Trench. Its snout rammed Ordario into the wall producing a bone cracking noise. Ordario heaved the shark off his ribs and slammed his mace into its eye. The cantaloupe-sized eye-ball floated grotesquely out of the shark's eye socket and out into the dark water. The shark roared and clamped its mouth shut on the hulking crocodile. Its mouth rumbled slightly and a huge dent protruded from the top of its mouth. The shark squealed as Ordario slammed his way out of its mouth by bashing out its teeth with his mace.
The next shark, a huge beast of eighty feet, came hurtling at Ordario. It clamped its enormous jaws over the Feraligatr. The leviathan’s nine inch-long steak knife teeth slashed through Ordario’s side as he tumbled down the monster’s throat.
He landed with a splash in the dark of the beast’s stomach. He quickly improvised and created a large ice blade. He slashed his way out of the beast’s stomach, but found that its cavernous rib cage was too large to break through. Ordario growled. He opened his mouth wide and a yellow and orange speckled ball of energy emerged from his throat and hovered in between his jaws.
The beam shot out into eight tiny lasers, which reformed into an enormous, single column of energy which tore through the now lifeless body of the shark like a hot knife through butter.
Konda and Hawk gaped in dismay as they saw the shark swallow their best weapon. The shark slowly turned towards them. It loomed over their motionless bodies.
The shark grunted, and seemed to squirm in pain. Just then, an immense column of energy burst out of its right side, continuing downward right into a young Meg of thirty feet. Ordario ripped himself out of the leather-like hide of the shark and grunted as it slowly drifted down to the sandy trench floor.
“What happened to the other one?” questioned Hawk.
“Ordario probably killed it,” sighed Konda.
They neared the limp body of the small shark and spotted a burn mark from Ordario’s Hyper Beam. They also noticed black goo seeping from every hole on the shark’s body, its nose, mouth, eyes, everything.
As they examined the dead bodies of the remaining sharks, they noticed that every one of them had the same case as the little one. Every single one had black goo leaking out of its body cavities.
Konda glanced over toward Ordario and noticed that his eyes were nervously flitting once again. He stole a glance at Hawk and shot him a thought message. Hawk nodded.
The group carefully stepped through the gaping hive entrance and advanced into the dark.
They swam through the murk for what seemed like hours. At first, they walked through the hole on a flat plain, but it slowly increased from a hill to a ninety degree straight cliff. They slowly swam up the cliff wall and began to see light. About the length of a football field straight up was a dim teal light.
They reached the light and timidly pulled themselves out of a pool the size of a cruise ship suite. The cave they were in was astounding. There was an enormous atrium lit by nothing but glowing teal crystals hanging from the ceiling. The crystals were very large, individually each one was about the size of a sports utility vehicle. Running off at perpendicular angle from the main cave were two large tunnels. In a small alcove to the right of the entrance pool was an enormous chasm that was devoid of water, wide as a stone’s throw, long as forever, deep as you dare.
There was very low, almost inaudible pulsing beat resonating from the depth of the abyss. It matched Ordario, Hawk, and Konda’s heartbeat exactly, sounding different to each. The chasm was surrounded by five objects that looked like World War II style underwater mines. They were the size of a grown man. Short cylinders extended from all over the ball, like spikes from a fail.
Konda frowned. He didn’t expect to see the incubators in such an unguarded position. He subtly surrounded his common kitchen spoons with a light purple glow, ready to ignite them at any moment.
Ordario plopped down on all fours and began sniffing the ground. He slowly sniffed his way to an area of the atrium that was the most brightly illuminated by the eerie crystals. There was a small kitchen area full of appliances. There was a large restaurant grade refrigerator/freezer next to a marble counter which was littered with kitchen utensils like whisks, knives, spoons, and spatulas. There was a small oven embedded in the counter situated immediately next to a KitchenAid® dish washer. A small distance along the counter was another KitchenAid® product, a black trash compactor. There was a stainless steel sink with several dirty frying pans in it, and there were several blenders and food processors next to it.
Konda’s right ear twitched.
One of the food processors turned on the high setting and flew across the cave, smashing against the wall and shattering into tiny pieces.
Ordario perked up and formed two small ice daggers in his hands. Konda remained calm, his hands coolly hanging next to his utensils.
Ordario snarled, “Stay on guard, I’m going to check out the cave on the right.”
Konda suspiciously watched him walk away and shot a thought message to Hawk, “Hawk, get in the pool. I think something’s coming.”
No sooner had he finished the message, a large, scaly hand gripped his neck from behind.
“I’ve been waiting for this moment, scum,” snarled the Feraligatr.
Konda gasped as he felt an ice cold blade drive itself into his right kidney. The pain felt interesting. His wound burned as if someone threw him on an oven grate, but it was colder than space. He didn’t know what to make of the wound, except that he could still live so long as his other kidney wasn’t slashed either.
Konda sensed the nerve impulses rushing to Ordario’s biceps, delivering a message to slash horizontally to get the other. Konda ignited both of his spoons and deftly pirouetted and chopped off Ordario’s entire right arm. The vibrating light blue energy immediately cauterized his arm and no blood was spilled.
Ordario didn’t know what to do. He stared at his arm in awe, and then glanced up at Konda in severe anger. He reared back his left fist and shot it towards the Alakazam. Konda raised his blades to chop off that limb too, but then Ordario faded out of the invisible spectrum.
Ordario reappeared below Konda’s chin and shot up his muscular right leg in a vertical kick. The impact snapped Konda’s jawbone from the rest of his face and he shot straight into the teal crystals of the ceiling. His limp platinum-plated body crashed through a large crystal and plummeted to the ground.
Ordario did not want him to land. He rushed over to the spot and held his hands together. Swinging as if though he had a baseball bat, he smashed Konda into the same wall where the food processor had met its demise. Konda caught himself in the air and turned, landing on the wall as if though it was the floor.
Just then, he noticed something. Ordario had hit him with both fists balled up. Hadn’t he cut off his entire right arm? He didn’t have enough time to ponder the circumstances, though. His legs gathered momentum like a car piston, and he shot off the wall, using his psychic powers to exceed the speed of sound. a sonic boom crashed through the atrium, rattling all of the kitchen appliances.
Ordario chuckled as Konda harmfully whizzed by him and crashed into the refrigerator. All of the sudden, he stopped laughing. All expression in his face drained away as a small line of ruby blood spilled across his shoulders. His eyes rolled back into his head and his cerulean snout began dripping blood. Ruby lines materialized all around his shoulder and neck. With a grotesque slurping noise, Ordario’s head slid off his shoulder mantle...
02-08-2009, 02:02 AM
Hawk stared at Ordario’s headless frame with an expression mixed between awe and horror. Konda just stared blankly at Ordario’s head on the ground, his tongue lolling lifelessly from his now motionless maw. The alligator Pokemon’s frame fell over limply onto the ground, and Ordario’s life was no more.
Konda got up from the wreckage of the refrigerator he crashed into and worked a crick out of his neck. Hawk turned his gaze to Konda, his expression of pure anger.
“It’s not what it seems like!” pleaded Konda.
“No!” returned Hawk, “It IS exactly what it looks like. It doesn’t seem like anything!”
Hawk reached down to his waist and snarled. He removed one of the red and white orbs tethered to his pressure belt and threw it on the ground. From the ball’s flash of crimson light emerged a plump purple figure. The round ghost sprouted two horns on either side of its head protruding diagonally, and tiny spires grew in between the main spikes. A tiny, stubby tail emerged from in between the ghost’s stubby legs. The ghost’s stubby arms matched its legs nicely. A large mouth formed on the ghost’s face, lined with pearly white teeth and a five-foot long tongue. Proportioned red eyes appeared on the ghost’s violet frame.
“Winston,” shouted Hawk, “I want you to wreck him!”
The air surrounding the Gengar seemed to be twenty degrees cooler as it faced his trainer and nodded. The Gengar pointed his fist at the Alakazam. Konda questioningly stared at the Gengar, not noticing the shadow of his arm extend over to where he was.
“Shadow Punch!” shouted Winston.
The shadow of his fist which was now directly under Konda’s chin shot up from the ground and severely hurt the Alakazam’s already injured chin. Konda shot up to the ceiling and crashed into one of the luminescent teal crystals.
Konda plummeted helplessly to the ground and was punctured and crushed by all of the crashing crystal fragments.
Konda slashed his way out of the crystal pile with his spoon blades and glared at Hawk and the Gengar. He saw the horrified expressions on their faces, and turned toward one of the tunnels. Emerging from the tunnel was Flan.
“Hello, Hawk. We are fine.”
Konda frowned. Flan did not act that way normally. Konda teleported and reappeared behind Flan. Flan immediately turned around as if he sensed him. She definitely could not do that.
“Come now, Konda. We are here to have fun.”
Konda’s middle fingers lit up white, and his eyes began to glow indigo.
He muttered, “Metronome…”
He turned around into the cave and roared, “Roar of Time!”
An enormous pulse of indigo energy rushed out of his mouth, illuminating the tunnel behind him. The tunnel was littered with the mine-like objects that supposedly produced more nano-bots. The pulse of energy immediately disintegrated a rising tidal wave of nano-bots, converting them to the substance they were made of one thousand years ago. It did the same to everything down the hall, sending it one thousand years back in time.
Having cleansed the dangerous tunnel behind him, he ignited his spoon sabers, turned, and slashed Flan in half all in one fluid motion.
Hawk fell on his knees and began to weep, but his sadness was short lived as Flan’s body melted away into nano-bots. The particles slid on the ground back to the fridge that was not ruined and slipped in under the door.
Hawk stood up, and then shot a questioning glare at Konda. Konda’s expression was one of horror, as if he were about to be eaten by a Megalodon. Hawk raised an eyebrow, but then heard a sickening gurgling sound.
He looked to his right and saw a spear made of ice the size of a basketball pole protruding from Winston’s ghostly sternum. The Gengar toppled over, knocked out cold.
Konda and Hawk directed their gaze to Ordario’s body, and saw that his head was reconnected to his body. He was glaring at the spear protruding from the Gengar.
He raised himself to his feet. The crocodile flicked his wrists and his fists were surrounded with balls of ice.
Clouds of black and red mist shot from the ground around the crocodile and sparks of lightning pulsed around his throbbing muscles.
“B-but how?” stammered Hawk.
Konda attempted to spit out an answer but he couldn’t devote his concentration to such a task as Ordario got down on all fours and disappeared. He was now moving so fast that he could not be seen.
Konda dropped his spoon sabers, which returned to normal kitchenware, and drew a large titanium blade from its vertical holder on the back of his platinum breast plate. The blade was the size of an average third grader and its eight inch hilt was wrapped in red and brown leather. The tips of the sword’s pommel and crossbars were studded with indigo diamonds. He flicked his wrists and the sword was illuminated by a light cerulean glow.
Ordario appeared behind Konda roaring, “Earthquake!”
He smashed his ice-covered fists into the ground, creating a fissure which swallowed up Konda. The crag closed and Konda was gone with it.
Ordario sighed and began to sit down, but Konda teleported behind him and decapitated swiftly in one clean swipe. Ordario’s head fell to the ground like a kickball, but his body remained upright. His headless frame turned around to face the demon, and all of the sudden, black particles began to pour out of the crocodile’s neck, forming a new head.
“Surprised?” chuckled the Swarm Ordario.
He swung his ice encased fist at Konda, slamming him right in the gut. Konda gasped as the force of the punch pressed on his diaphragm, expelling all air from his lungs. Konda swiftly recovered and swept Ordario off his feet with a kick.
“I have to get this right…” muttered Konda.
His middle fingers began to glow white.
His fingers began to pulse with lightning and he directed a small bolt of electricity at the Swarm. The Swarm crocodile easily shrugged off the Thundershock.
“Not that one,” he thought, “Metronome…”
His Metronome turned into a Tail Whip as he began to shake his hind quarters. The Feraligatr laughed.
“I guess that’s how it lowers defense,” he thought, “Metro-”
Ordario lost patience with the Alakazam and disappeared. He reappeared over his head with a newly formed ice mace cocked over his head. Konda looked up and parried with his sword.
Ordario grunted, “Your mine, now. Hydro Cannon!”
The red spikes on his back lit up azure as he reared back his head. He opened his brimming maw and fired a torrent of water at the demon. Konda crashed into the granite kitchen counter, snapping his back.
He groaned, realizing he only had a few more minutes before he passed out. He stared up at the teal crystals on the ceiling. They gave him a plan. Flan came out when the crystals burst. He did an attack he didn’t normally do when Flan was there…that’s it!
“Metronome…” he grunted.
His eyes lit up indigo.
Konda cackled maniacally, “YES! Yes this is the one, ROAR OF TIME!”
He opened his mouth at the end of his triangular snout and emitted a primeval pulse of indigo energy. It engulfed the Feraligatr and he twitched.
The energy began taking effect, and with Konda’s carefully controlled bursts of energy in the Roar of Time, he could control how far back he sent Ordario. Days lapsed by as nano-bots fell away from his body and disintegrated. Konda began hacking up blood and the attack stopped.
Ordario looked around as if he just woke up, “How the **** did I get here?”
Konda let out a little laugh, and then passed out.
Hawk walked over to Ordario and said, “Apparently, you were possessed by an agent of the Swarm. Konda released you, but you broke his back. Now we’re stuck in this empty hive.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t think that it’s EMPTY, boy,” boomed a voice from the almost forgotten chasm.
02-08-2009, 03:49 PM
Hawk jumped and turned toward the pit, but there was nothing there. He walked over to the edge and stared down into the pit. He saw two tiny luminescent red specks and incomprehensible distance down. He felt air rush behind him, and then a blinding pain on his head.
Ordario panicked. He had just seen one of thee wrought-iron frying pans rise off of the counter and rush through the air and crash into Hawk’s head. The boy toppled over into the pit.
Ordario ran after him and dove down. He caught up with the boy and grabbed him. The alligator jammed his talons into the side of the chasm, and they slowed to a halt. The lithe monster began wall-jumping back up the pit, pushing off from one side, reaching the other, and repeating the process.
He climbed out of the pit and set his unconscious trainer on the ground. He walked over to the pan and snapped it in half with his raw strength. He threw the pan fragments into the pit and shuddered as the sound of them hitting the bottom never came.
Ordario made preparations for the encounter he sensed would come. He conjured a bundle of ten-foot long ice spears and threw them at the roof so they hung like icicles. He made several daggers and jammed them in spots randomly selected around the main chamber. He made two ice maces, one of which he hurled at the ceiling to stick it there. He hefted the other one over his shoulder and sat cross-legged by his trainer’s limp body.
Half an hour later, all hell broke loose. Every kitchen appliance turned on. The stove began frying, the blenders turned on, the dish washer washed nothing, the oven baked, and the spoons and forks began stabbing air.
Ordario readily stood up and got in a fighting stance. The refrigerator began to rock back and forth violently. It took on an orange color and was surrounded by a light purple aura. A bright orange spire sprouted from the top of the fridge, and small purple arms that looked like lightning bolts extended from either side. The fridge grew a mischievous face with dull violet eyes.
“Ohehehehehe,” chuckled the refrigerator, “We have you now, Ordario!”
“What are you?” asked the reptile as he shifted his feet.
“We are a Rotom. F form to be exact,” replied the appliance.
Ordario chuckled as black and red mist sprayed up from his feet. He got down on all fours and disappeared. The Rotom cackled.
It opened the doors of the refrigerator and shouted, “Blizzard!”
Icy winds, snow, and large chunks of ice detached from the inside of the fridge and whirled around the room. Ordario reappeared and fell to the ground, covered in ice and snow. Ordario rushed straight at the fridge, brandishing his mace.
The Rotom looked as if it was concentrating hard as an explosion of electricity burst out of the open fridge doors. The Discharge burst around the room and smashed Ordario back down. Just before Ordario hit the ground, he disappeared.
He materialized above the fridge and smashed it to smithereens with his mace. The temperature in the room immediately rose as tiny nano-bots leaked onto the floor.
Ordario landed on the ground and was showered with a barrage of sharp pewter knives. He cringed as the silverware dug into his flesh. He turned around and was slammed upside the head with a white-hot frying pan. He groaned as he stood up. He was facing a fan surrounded by a yellow aura that seemed to be possessed by the Rotom. The fan was the same bright orange color as the fridge, and there were yellow arms of energy extending from the base of the fan blades.
The Spin Rotom giggled like a school girl as blades of energy shot out from the spinning fan. The Air Slash attack met Ordario, gashing his arms which he shielded his body with. The Rotom took advantage of his flinch and released an Ominous Wind into the cave. The dark violet breeze made an eerie whisper and the cold breeze pummeled Ordario’s subconscious with scary thoughts.
The Rotom basked in the spooky breeze as it felt its power rise. It then began laughing and charged a ball of lightning in front of the fan blade. It shot the Thunderbolt at the crocodile. The static pulsed through the reptilian’s body, which disappeared. The appliance ghost was frazzled. Where had that pesky creature gone?
As if on cue, Ordario whispered, "Behind you."
The Rotom had dumbly fallen for the crocodile’s Double Team and now was virtually dead. Ordario hurled the fan at the wall.
He disappeared ad reappeared where the fan would have smashed and roared, “Shadow Claw!”
His talons lit up with the same dark violet energy as the Rotom’s Ominous Wind as he rent a hole in the air. Out of the hole came a torrent of shadow energy which pummeled the ghost. It floated lazily away from the alligator, but to no avail as the merciless beast rushed forward and grasped the Swarm by its yellow arms.
The reptilian surged and slammed the Rotom into the wall, impaling it on one of his pre-placed ice spears. The fan melted away into motionless nano-particles.
Ordario knelt on the ground and panted heavily, tired from the past few days’ antics.
He saw the particles that represented the Rotom float through the air back to the counter, searching for the next thing to possess. What happened next was unbelievable.
The oven rose out of the counter and floated seven foot off the ground. A washing machine rose, and was placed under the oven. Two long spatulas and two knives shot to the forming mech to act as limbs, spatulas as feet, knives as arms.
The mech’s head, the oven, took on the characteristic dull purple eyes of the Rotom, and every appliance in the figure was given a bright orange color.
“Enough, flesh bag!” shouted the Swarm Rotom, “We shall execute you!”
The mech surged forward and stabbed at the crocodile with its knife arm. The Feraligatr agilely avoided the blade, but was surprised by the Rotom’s retaliation speed when it swung the knives after Ordario’s legs. The blades slashed through his hamstrings and the cords snapped like a pulled rubber band.
Ordario groaned in pain and stared back at the Rotom. He sighed and black and red mist sprayed from every pore in his body, dislodging the previously impaled knives and sealing up his hamstrings. The Dragon Dance also considerably increased his speed and strength, evidenced by the tiny lighting sparks pulsing around his throbbing muscles.
The crocodile disappeared and flashed into visibility above the Rotom with his mace cocked behind his head. He swung the weapon down, but was surprised to see the mech’s agility in countering his strike with one of its blade arms. The knife shattered under the force of the blow, but was quickly regenerated by nano-particles.
The hodgepodge robot responded with an attack.
The Rotom cackled, “Overheat!”
The oven head of the figure began to glow and shudder. The oven door popped open with a “ding” from the buzzer and nothing but black smoke trickled out. Then, an enormous blast of flame burst out directly at the Feraligatr. The column melted the crocodile’s weapon and burned his skin off in several places. He slammed against the wall, narrowly missing impalement by one of his spears, and slid to the floor. There, he wallowed in his pain and examined the burn blisters pock marking his hands. The smell of burnt flesh wafted up to the ceiling of the atrium.
He groaned as he struggled to get to his feet, feeling his toasted skin crack from the movement. He was weaponless, and the crazy Rotom was advancing toward him. He mentally ran through his arsenal of attacks and selected a move.
He held his hands out parallel to the floor and slowly raised them. Chunks of earth detached from the ground and floated in the air. Ordario raised his palms so that they faced the Rotom and he jerked his arms. The rocks shot toward the mech, and pummeled its metal frame. The projectiles dented the washer and oven and knocked off one of its knife arms.
Ordario felt his power raise as well as his confidence in damaging the Rotom. He slyly snatched two ice spears from the wall behind him. He rushed the mech and threw one of his spears at the robot. It punctured the plastic see-through window of the oven. The Rotom made a metallic growling noise as it unwisely turned its attention from the beast to the spear impaling its head. It raised its knife arms to remove it, and then felt an ungodly pain as its middle washing machine was ran through by the other spear.
A nozzle snaked its way around from behind the washing machine and constricted the crocodile. It threw Ordario across the room and then the nozzle began to spasm. A deep rumble resonated throughout the cave as a whirlpool of water blasted out and engulfed the alligator. Ordario smashed into the wall and felt his left arm forcefully snap out of its socket.
The water that had filled the atrium from the Hydro Pump attack was slowly sucked down into the chasm and Ordario took a breath of fresh air. He forced himself to stand and quickly developed a last ditch plan.
The Rotom cackled and use a Double Team attack, turning into three separate mechs. The three mechanical Frankensteins began to giggle as they emitted Dark Pulse attacks. Dark energy sprayed out of every inch of the mechs, resonating through the chamber with the sound of detonating underwater mines.
Ordario was slammed back into the wall by the shock waves of the pulse. He attempted to step forward, but was again slammed into the wall. This painful process lasted for another thirty seconds before the Rotom’s subsided. Ordario was embedded two feet deep into the wall in a Feraligatr-shaped hole.
He dug his talons into the wall around him and removed himself from the indentation. He roared as red a black mist sprayed from his body and lightning sparks pulsed around his hulking exterior. He slowly stepped toward the mechs, lightning lacing his muscles.
One of the three mechs dove at Ordario. The Feraligatr calmly grabbed the robot’s knife arm, and yanked it off. He flicked his right wrist and it was engulfed in ice. He pulled the Rotom down to his level and his Ice Punch attack shattered the entire mech. Enraged, the last Rotom clone jumped to Ordario and hacked down on his shoulder with its blade arm. The Rotom heard a satisfying slurping sound as the knife buried itself in the Feraligatr’s meaty shoulder and blood sprayed out of the wound like water from a leaky hose.
Ordario calmly glanced over at his shoulder and gracefully knocked the knife out of his body with his fist, pirouetted around and brought his elbow down on the robot’s arm, snapping it off.
He cocked his arm back and shouted, “Dynamic Punch!”
His fist flashed into a bright white color and began to emit a whining sound like a new-born baby. The air in the room rose ten degrees as he plunged his fist at the mechanical figure. The fist made impact and from the point of contact came an enormous rolling inferno. The plumes of flame seemed to consume each other as they boiled over to fill the entire room.
The flames subsided and the remaining carnage was revealed. Hawk lay unconscious by the entrance pool, Winston lay impaled alongside Hawk, fragments of Rotom mech were scattered throughout the room, and a pile of burning scrap lay in front of the panting Feraligatr. Ordario angrily turned his gaze to the Rotom, and the glow from the teal crystals overhead reflected off of his scaly skin.
For a split-second, the Rotom appeared unnerved. Its expression quickly changed to one of confidence as it began its Frustration attack. Rotom began to shout madly. Ordario ground in his footing and braced his arms for an attack. The Rotom punched out with his knife arm, ready to impale the creature.
Ordario jumped out of the way, and smashed through the arm with an elbow jab. He disappeared and reappeared under the Rotom, his foot lit up white and jutting out to kick. The Mega Kick attack sent the Rotom soaring toward the ceiling crystals. Ordario jumped after it into the air, dislodged his ace-in-the-hole ice mace from the ceiling, and brought it down on the mech,
The mace rushed at the Rotom faster than the speed of sound, blasting out an enormous sonic boom. The robot shattered into tiny fragments that showered the entire cave, and what remained was a tiny tear drop-shaped orange ghost with blue electricity arms shaped like lightning bolts.
The normal Rotom, snarled as the tired Ordario towered over its one-foot tall figure. Ordario reached down and snatched the Plasma Pokémon. He raised it to eye level and glared at the electric ghost that had caused him so much misery.
“How did you take control of me?”
“Hehehe. It’s simple, flesh bag. When you were asleep I came to you and used my Dream Eater technique, essentially taking control of your entire body. I simply allowed some nano-bots to coat your body so as to increase your physical power. That pesky Alakazam obviously broke through my ruse, or I would have had you forever. Ah, but all is well. I shall incapacitate you and you will be my master’s servant for all eternity! Discharge!”
Electrical pulses blasted out from the tiny ghost’s body as he giggled like a homicidal school girl. Ordario cringed from the electric, but hung on to his cool just long enough to tighten his grip on the ghost and to stop the attack. The Rotom nervously stared back at the face of death as Ordario’s eyes misted over with red as his blood lust clouded his better judgment.
Ordario opened his huge maw and stuffed the ghost inside, crunching its tiny body.
He spat the ghost on the ground in front of him and yelled, “Earthquake!”
He jumped in the air and stomped down onto the tiny Rotom, smashing him deep into the earth. The cave rumbled and shook as tiny fragments of the teal crystals fell from the ceiling. Ordario removed his feet from the small crater on the ground and reached down to lift a motionless Rotom from a pile of broken nano-bots.
He held the electric ghost with his index finger and thumb like a stinky undergarment and carried him over to the boy. He dropped the ghost next to the boy’s limp body. The reptilian knelt down by the silver jumpsuit clad teen and removed an empty Pokéball from his pressure belt.
“How do you work these damn things…” mumbled the confused alligator.
He finally pushed a protruding white button along the gray center line of the half red, half white orb, which made it triple in size with a cartoon-like noise. Startled, Ordario nervously lobbed the ball on the Rotom. The ghost was engulfed in a translucent crimson light, which was sucked back into the open ball. The orb closed and landed with a metallic noise on the cave floor.
The exhausted Feraligatr plopped down on his back and rolled his head over to watch the shaking Pokéball.
It shook once…twice…
02-10-2009, 12:32 AM
Nanotechnology: Nanotechnology refers to a field whose theme is the control of matter on an atomic and molecular scale. Generally nanotechnology deals with structures of the size 100 nanometers or smaller, and involves developing materials or devices within that size. -The following taken from Wikipedia.org "One nanometer (nm) is one billionth, or 10-9, of a meter. By comparison, typical carbon-carbon bond lengths, or the spacing between these atoms in a molecule, are in the range 0.12-0.15 nm, and a DNA double-helix has a diameter around 2 nm. On the other hand, the smallest cellular lifeforms, the bacteria of the genus Mycoplasma, are around 200 nm in length..."
Nano-bots: Tiny mechanical devices of 100nm or less in size. The specific ones in this story consist of a tiny molecular protein that is attracted to organic compounds. Once reached, a tiny gamma ray assembler either slowly rips apart the compound atom by atom or assembles it atom by atom. Either process is extremely painful. Each bot has a tiny chip which links it to the nearest computer of a hive...
Hive: There are numerous hives spread throughout the world, many are dormant, meaning they don't have any effect and are simply benign caverns. Hives located in the Ahktar Desert region are extremely active and contain hidden super computers which monitor all Nano-bot activity and gives the robots orders. The computers coordinate the bots into swarms...
Swarms: Swarms are extremely numerous groups of nano-bots. There are so many, that these robots which cannot even be seen by a microscope because they so small, can be seen by the naked eye as a blackish-gray cloud. Each swarm contains upwards of three trillion nano-bots.(To put trillion in perspective, one could spend one million dollars everyday for 2009 years and still not spend one trillion) The nano-bots contain tiny cameras that can take video or project color. The swarm has a unique ability to compress and to take on the shape of any organism and to look, think, behave, and feel real. Often, the swarm can take control of a living organism's body by invading its cranial cavity and dictating brain activity. The swarm robots can coat the skin of an organism and give it unnatural qualities like regeneration and strength.
Swarm Pokemon: A Pokemon either made out of nano-bots, or "possessed" by nano-bots.
Column: Throughout the desert there are oases. In the center of these oases are large columns of water that go about 300 feet deep. They are gateways into the Trench.
The Trench: The Trench is an enormous water-filled cavern located under the Ahktar Desert. It goes as deep as seven miles in some parts and is almost as large as the desert itself. It contains all species of water Pokemon imaginable, a few other species of Pokemon, and assorted normal animals.
Hawk: The main character, Hawk is a fifteen year old boy who just loves Pokemon and adventure. He is very laid back.
Ordario: Hawk's lifelong companion, he is a Feraligatr in possession of extreme powers. He is a battle-hardened beast and is skilled in the manipulation of ice, being able to create numerous weapons made out of ice.
Konda: A very old Alakazam who is a rival of Ordario(will be explained in a later chapter). He is very skilled in physical combat, choosing to ignore special attacks and using his spoons as swords with psychic energy. He holds a high quality hand-and-a-half sword sheathed in his armor. He wears platinum armor, with different plates covering his chest, legs, arms, and he sometimes wears a helmet.
Flan: Hawk's Bibarel. She is very bubbly and loves SpongeBob SquarePants.
Master: A mysterious entity reffered to only as "Master" and "My Master." Oftentimes, Swarm Pokemon refer to him.
Difficulty Level: Demanding
Characters needed: 40,000-55,000
Characters currently: 51,190
Status: Ready For Grade
02-27-2009, 05:38 PM
Initiating Steak House Grading Protocol...
Raising Grading Standards for Demanding...
This was rather in-depth and would have been deserving of a distinction if:
You actually told me where they were. I thought they were still in the Hive, and you didn't really give a sign that they were back at base until quite late in. Something to look out for. Your list of terms is AFTER your story, which is kinda bad for a new grader since I have no idea what's going on without the terms. (thankfully I read one of your older stories before -_-) You didn't describe how Hawk looked like at all. It reflects on your story badly if everyone is described except the main human character. Like lolwut.
The depth with which you did your re-cap was fantastic. I commend you for that. :D Otherwise, everything else was fine.
Well... Honestly, the plot doesn't really make sense. Why is it that only the Water-type Pokemon were infected? Why not Hawk? Or Konda himself, for that matter? These are things you have to explain.
And I have to admit it was very cheap of you to hax like crap with Metronome and Ancientpower/Ominous Wind. Come on, with 400++ moves, what are the chances of getting a particular move? Less than one percent. Not only that, you went ahead and did it twice. Once was okay... The second time was just too far out for my reality meter to handle. Yeah. Roar of Time hax. D: Stack on the AP boosts and I kinda find it really unrealistic. :x
Other than these points, your story was a pretty riveting read: It kept me on my toes, and I didn't really expect certain twists like Ondario regaining his senses but still having his regenerative abilities from the Swarm. And using Roar of Time to beat out regeneration is an interesting concept. Throw them a trillion years into the past and they won't even exist! :D Good one. Really.
Not too bad, but some vital points were pretty shaky... I'd give you a Pass anyway because of how good your other parts are, but it's a Medium-kinda Pass. Like, borderline.
By and large okay, except for the occasional typo or even whole missing word >:O Which just means that you should always perform a spellcheck and proofread before you submit your story. Like really.
Since it's still readable and my eyes don't hurt from deciphering it, it's okay. But I expect a lot more out of a Demanding, so...
Over recommended minimum of 40K. Medium Pass.
This was pretty good, except for my major gripe with Hawk not being described AT ALL. Other than that, this was pretty good. Everything was described in good detail, enough for me to picture the scene right, and I didn't feel that you were trying to shovel description down my throat. That's stuff even I haven't gotten yet. :x
One thing I do realise is that you depend the reader knowing things like how big an American Football field is, and some household products. This is actually a big no-no. What if the guy grading your story is not American and doesn't know what those kitchen appliances look like, such as me? Either use more generic terms, or use stuff that's universal, like the size of a iPod shuffle, or the size of a desktop PC. Admittedly it's a good way to help the reader's imagination, but being too specific with your similes risks alienating readers/graders that are unfamiliar with the stuff you're using as examples. In conclusion: Never assume, or you make an @%$ of you and me.
Do consider the things I have mentioned, however, on the whole this area is rather outstanding to me.
Well... I guess you can get points for environment, but honestly environment use wasn't two-sided. Ordario used the environment very, very well, but the Rotom pretty much did nothing except call up utensils. Humph. It was a pretty good battle though. I see you used a very big variety of moves, with plenty of creative implementation. Dynamic Punch, a Fighting move, generally goes through Ghosts, but you changed that since the Rotom is basically running around as a solid fridge, it could be hit with Dynamic Punch. I thought that was very good. There are several others. but I cannot remember them for the life of me because it's 2.30AM. ;_;
The combining Rotom was nice, but you could have done it slightly better, like including the fan, or mixing all the special attacks together for a super powerful attack.
Your two-sidedness IS rather bad though, since Ordario never seemed badly hurted throughout the entire battle, especially from electric moves, but I guess that compensates for when Ordario was toasted by Overheat. Heh.
All in all, Medium-Well. Pass.
You really need to proofread and spellcheck. :/ The missing words can be pretty detrimental to the story if the reader cannot connect the dots. Yeah. :/
Your plot needs just a little bit more work to sort out the kinks. Yeah.
Describe Hawk next time PLEASE.
Your battle needs to be tilted more towards the Rotom. Maybe you should try planning battles from the target Pokemon's perspective? :o
Don't rely on hax to pull your character's out of tight fixes. It's much more convincing and looks nicer if your character pulls through via their own skill.
...Well, that's it, can't keep my eyes open...
I feel merciful today. >:P Not that you weren't deserving of Rotom-chan, but still...
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