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Konzai
04-21-2008, 06:48 PM
(Ok, I read the rules and all seems to be in compliance so here goes nothing. The first installment of my pokemon story!)

Konzai and his Poochyena were taking the afternoon off of their training, deciding to settle down for a break at the lakeside. Lake Verity was beautiful in the midday sun, the rays of light dancing on the water as it rippled across to the shore. The grass was soft on Konzai’s bare back, its green lush tickling his spine as he lay down, panting from the rough exercise. Poochyena, too, had slumped to its belly, lying down on all fours and bowing aimlessly at a rather tall piece of grass.

Scratches gorged a tree stump, disfiguring the training post. Poochyena had torn it apart with its scratch and bite attacks, the bark had all but been ferociously stripped away and a chunk had been removed by a series of bite attacks, the fine teeth marks etching the edges eerily. Konzai was happy with Poochyena’s progress. He was a strong pokemon with speed, power, dexterity and a passion for battle, and Konzai had a similar ferocity in his soul. The two were a great pair.

Konzai’s training stump, however, had only a small bit of wear on it, the bark peeling off of one side from a barrage of punches and kicks. When Konzai’s pokemon trained, so did he. He saw it only as fair, as if his pokemon had to work so did he, and through this they gained a better understanding of teamwork and the other’s abilities. Konzai’s bare feet and knuckles were ruffed up, and were bleeding slightly, but he was willing to take a few bumps and bruises along the way, same could be said for Poochyena.

The harsh sunlight beat down almost relentlessly, like a bass drummer in a marching band who had to keep the timing right or the music would falter. The cries of wild pokemon echoed through the surrounding forest, and Gyarados and Magicarp could be seen flitting through the lake, occasionally surfacing to leap from the water in a dazzling display of light, the light of the sun hitting the water droplets and creating a beautiful display of rainbow.

Deciding against going for a swim for the moment, Konzai again stood up after resting for a few minutes and basking in the sunlight before getting up to continue their training. The dull, rhythmic thud of his powerhouse kicks against the stump were echoed by the tackle attacks on Poochyena’s.

This rhythmic process went on for an hour before Konzai changed to punches, and Poochyena to bite attacks, however before Konzai could land his first punch, two green vines slapped his hands away from the tree, and then whipped back into the shrubbery that surrounded their little training area. They then fired back out and smacked his Poochyena backwards too, it landing on its side from the unexpected attack, and again they whipped back into the bushes.

Rubbing his wrists, Konzai called his Poochyena back to his side who was baying ferociously, malice in its eyes. It wanted a battle, and it would get one. Waiting patiently for the next attack to come, Konzai had an idea. Reaching down into his bag, slowly, he picked out a pokeball and shoved it in his pocket.

“Come on out!” He yelled, anger in his voice at this intruder into his training ground.

“YENA!” His Poochyena yelled in unison, calling the mystery pokemon out into battle, enticing it to reveal its position and fight.

Konzai
04-21-2008, 08:06 PM
Instalment two.

The bushes rustled, and again the two vines lashed out towards the two, trainer and pokemon. However this time they were prepared, jumping backwards and out of the way. Again the vines swiftly retreated, whipping the air as they went. Konzai’s wrists still ached from the first attack, and he knew what he was in for was a tough battle. This would be his first encounter with a wild pokemon, and a lump formed in his throat whilst his heart missed a beat. The tension was unbearable, Konzai’s arms shaking in anticipation, the wind rustling the wind and skating across the water as if t’were ice, leaving a trail of ripples in its wake.

Silence marked the calm before the storm, and this time seeds sprung from another direction. This pokemon was swift on its feet, and had managed to move from its position already! Konzai called out to Poochyena to move out of the way, “Onto the log!” Konzai cried, thinking quick on his feet.

Poochyena pounced, making it swiftly onto his training post of a stump, landing neatly and flicking its head in the direction of the seeds that had been fired at him. They hit the ground and glowed, sinking into the grass and disappearing. It would seem their assassin had gotten bored with the waiting game, and soon leaped from its hiding place amongst the trees.

“Bulbasaur!” it cried as it flew through air, leaves and branches being flung in all directions. It landed light on its feet, seemingly not touching the ground before sailing through the air to its right as Poochyena launched directly into a tackle attack. It was too over zealous, and the blow missed leaving it open for a counterattack.

The Bulbasaur took up its opportunity, launching itself at Poochyena and hitting it square on in the side, knocking it off its feet. Poochyena hit the ground hard, skidding along a bit until it leapt back to its feet, ready to pounce again.

“Hold, Poochyena!” Konzai ordered, trying to instil some control over the events that were taking place before him.

Poochyena obeyed, baying loudly with his hackles up, staring down his opponent who returned the look with equal ferocity. It had proven that it could play the waiting game, and that it was an expert at it. Konzai was sure that it could even win a chess game if it put its mind to it. This indeed would be a tough battle, but Konzai had a secret weapon, and that was teamwork. Despite all its intellect, the Bulbasaur was facing down two opponents, and the odds were stacked against it and in Konzai’s favour.

Konzai’s throat became dry, his stomach was doing back flips with anticipation and Poochyena could not contain its excitement at the thrill of battle.

The tension was finally released when Bulbasaur made to tackle Poochyena again, racing towards it with speed, the grass tearing up under its feet, but Poochyena was faster.

“Dodge it!” Konzai yelped excitedly, and Poochyena echoed his friends call with its own yelp as it pounced over the charging Bulbasaur, obscuring the sun from view and casting the Bulbasaur in shadow. As it landed it swivelled around and began baying again as the Bulbasaur skidded to a halt and looked over its shoulder.

“Sand attack!” Konzai threw his arm out towards the Bulbasaur getting right into the battle, as ecstatic as a kid at Christmas.

Poochyena kicked up a cloud of dust that obscure it from the Bulbasaur’s view, however those deadly vines sprouted again and found their way right to Poochyena knocking it into the air. Bulbasaur proceeded to grab Poochyena with its vines and slam it roughly into the ground, kicking up a cloud of dust as it retracted its vines again, slowly, mocking Konzai and his partner.

“Come on! Get up Poochyena!” Konzai pleaded, seeing the shadowy form lying in a heap on the ground as the dust cloud began to settle, concern overwhelming Konzai as he looked desperately at his partner for hope.

Konzai
04-24-2008, 08:57 PM
The Bulbasaur padded away, quite content with itself, disappearing into the shrubbery from whence it came, and as it did so Poochyena struggled back to its feet. For a young pokemon it could sure take a battering.

“Poochyena, you still ready to win?” Konzai grinned at his pokemon that howled at the sun, its attack force sharply rising with its confidence. “Good.”

A new passion burned in Poochyena’s heart, a desire to overcome whatever obstacle was in his path and he reared his head back and howled to the sky again, issuing a second challenge to the Bulbasaur. The wind rustled Poochyena’s fur, its red eyes glinting in the noon sunlight as the sun blitzed the sky. Bulbasaur stopped just shy of the forest, and turned to face Poochyena, a smug look on his face, complacent that the battle would not last much longer. Again those deadly vines whipped towards him, lashing out like a cornered eel about to be speared.

“Jump above them boy!” Konzai yelled, Poochyena pouncing in the air once more. The vines lashed just short of him, causing his fur to stir in the wind created.

“Now use take down!”

Poochyena looked down at Bulbasaur, growling at it and bearing its fangs. The momentum from his jump would add to the impact of the take down. This was a risky manoeuvre, Poochyena already having taken some good hits from it, but Konzai was confident in its abilities.

It landed just short of Bulbasaur, in between those deadly vines and hit the ground running. Ground and grass tore up under its feet, its passion almost setting them alight as Poochyena hurtled towards the Bulbasaur that stood like a deer in headlights. Poochyena lowered its head and slammed right into the Bulbasaur, knocking it back into a tree. Poochyena of course wavered where it stood, a little dazed from its reckless attack but still standing.

“Bul…ba.” Bulbasaur staggered out of the forest, its vines slowly retracting back into it. Not relenting, Konzai began to waver when Poochyena barked a sign of approval at continuing the battle.

“Alright. Crunch attack!” Konzai’s voice was aflutter with excitement, things were looking up and seizing its opportunity Poochyena took to its heels again, zigzagging towards the Bulbasaur who fired of a series of razor leaf attacks that missed, the blade-like leaves sticking into the ground just short of where Poochyena was before it managed to land its crunch dead onto Bulbasaur. Poochyena stopped dead, wrenching its head to the right and sending Bulbasaur veering off into its training post, shattering the log with the force.

Poochyena was panting heavily, a drizzle of blood dripping from the right side of its mouth, its chest heaving. Bulbasaur was struggling to stand up, and Konzai caught his opportunity. He launched his pokeball into the air. It arced, falling down towards Bulbasaur, hitting it and sucking it inside. Waiting apprehensively, Konzai’s mind was awash with anticipation. If this failed, the battle would be over, but if it succeeded the sky was the limit. Fear of failure and joy at the prospect of capturing such a strong Bulbasaur were almost overwhelming him, his chest almost heaving as much as his Poochyena’s. The ball shook on the ground and the tension was almost too much for Konzai to bear. Time seemed to slow down, the leaves that were caught in the breeze dancing in slow motion across Konzai’s face…the ball shook again…

Draconic_Espeon
05-07-2008, 10:30 PM
Sorry for the wait, here ya go.

Introduction: Well, there really wasn't a whole lot in the way of an introduction. You did an excellent job of describing the setting, to a point where I could really see everything vividly, but you hardly described Konzai and Poochyena at all. Konzai is especially important; the readers all want to know what the trainer we're reading about looks like. It's always a good idea to describe Pokemon in detail, too, because it's what the graders expect. Granted, most everyone who reads will know what a Pokemon looks like, but describing as much as you can gets you in practice for more serious writing.

You also didn't have much in the way of a hook here. A hook is a beginning sentence that draws in the reader and makes them want to go on to see what exactly is happening. Dialouge, action, and sounds are all great way to start things off, and to reel in a reader from the get-go. This is important in all writing, whether you are writing a book or just a story to capture a Pokemon. Feel free to get creative with it, though. Sometimes, simply writing something about the setting can interest your reader, or perhaps a thought of the main character's that may foreshadow something to come, though this generally works best in first person stories.

Plot: The plot was very simple, just an average 'trainer finds a Pokemon' story. You added a bit to the appeal of it, like the trainer actually training alongside his Pokemon, but it still wasn't altogether very interesting. For any Simple Pokemon, this would have been fine, and you would have passed this section, albeit a bit closely. But, you chose a Bulbasaur, a Hard Pokemon. For something like a Bulbasaur, you really need to go beyond such a simple plot. It really limits what you can do with it to make it better. Even by passing every other part with flying colors, capturing a Pokemon of this difficulty with this plot would be extremely difficult.

Make sure when writing that you have a plot in mind, some kind of direction to go in to make the story more interesting. Just going by your title could give you more ideas on how to expand this. Perhaps the Bulbasaur attacked because it was angry that Konzai and Poochyena were mutilating the stumps, and it is truly a forest protector and can't let anyone harm anything in the forest. You could expand upon this even more, and I highly suggest that you do, but that at least would give you a start in writing a better plot.

Grammar: Over all, this wasn't too bad, really. A lot of it seemed more like typos, or, in the cases of the capitalization mistakes, just some things new writers often don't know about. One thing I want to talk about first, though, is your title. The title is the first thing a reader will see of your story, making it extremely important. There really isn't room for mistakes there, like there is in the main part. So, having misspellings in your title, and lack of punctuation where it needs to be, is not a good thing. Your title should look like this;

Bulbasaur, the Forest Protector!

See? Looks more like a book title. This can also help you get a grader, in that a title that looks good is more likely to be fun to read than one that has a lot of errors. It makes a grader think that the story itself will be full of errors, even if it's not the case.

Poochyena, too, had slumped to its belly, lying down on all fours and bowing aimlessly at a rather tall piece of grass.

I think you probably meant 'blowing' here.

Poochyena had torn it apart with its scratch and bite attacks, the bark had all but been ferociously stripped away and a chunk had been removed by a series of bite attacks, the fine teeth marks etching the edges eerily.

The names of all attacks should be capitalized. Also, the whole sentence is a run-on, and can be fixed by simply replacing the comma after the first 'attacks' with a period. You need a comma after 'away' as well, because the second portion is another thought, making this a compound sentence.

He was a strong pokemon with speed, power, dexterity and a passion for battle, and Konzai had a similar ferocity in his soul.

The word 'Pokemon' should be capitalized.

The cries of wild pokemon echoed through the surrounding forest, and Gyarados and Magicarp could be seen flitting through the lake, occasionally surfacing to leap from the water in a dazzling display of light, the light of the sun hitting the water droplets and creating a beautiful display of rainbow.

It's actually spelled 'Magikarp'. Also, the sentence itself is kinda long, and would be better if you divided it into two. It's not exactly a run-on, but there are too many things going on for just one. For example...

The cries of wild pokemon echoed through the surrounding forest, and Gyarados and Magicarp could be seen flitting through the lake. Occasionally they surfaced to leap from the water in a dazzling display of light, the light of the sun hitting the water droplets and creating a beautiful display of rainbow.

Just by changing a few things, you space it out and make it easier to understand.

Reaching down into his bag, slowly, he picked out a pokeball and shoved it in his pocket.

Yup, 'Pokeball' is capitalized too...

Konzai’s wrists still ached from the first attack, and he knew what he was in for was a tough battle.

'What' should probably be 'that'.

The tension was unbearable, Konzai’s arms shaking in anticipation, the wind rustling the wind and skating across the water as if t’were ice, leaving a trail of ripples in its wake.

The italacized part is confusing to me, and would be better reworded. It looks kinda like a typo, but in any case, it should probably be fixed. The bolded part, 't'were', is a word that was used in older writing. In a more modern story like this, just using 'it was' would better get your point across.

“Bulbasaur!” it cried as it flew through air, leaves and branches being flung in all directions.

After a quotation ending with a period, question mark, or exclamation point, you should capitalize the first letter of the first word. If it ends in a comma, though, leaving it lowercase is fine. Basically, it's the same as with any sentence.


Poochyena kicked up a cloud of dust that obscure it from the Bulbasaur’s view, however those deadly vines sprouted again and found their way right to Poochyena knocking it into the air.

You should have 'obscured' here.

Konzai’s voice was aflutter with excitement, things were looking up and seizing its opportunity Poochyena took to its heels again, zigzagging towards the Bulbasaur who fired of a series of razor leaf attacks that missed, the blade-like leaves sticking into the ground just short of where Poochyena was before it managed to land its crunch dead onto Bulbasaur.

This was another really long sentence, one that really could have been three separate sentences.

Konzai’s voice was aflutter with excitement, things were looking up. Seizing its opportunity Poochyena took to its heels again, zigzagging towards the Bulbasaur who fired of a series of razor leaf attacks. They missed, the blade-like leaves sticking into the ground just short of where Poochyena was before it managed to land its crunch dead onto Bulbasaur.

Again, this makes it easier to understand, and lets the story flow better.

Scratches gorged a tree stump, disfiguring the training post.

You probably meant 'gouged' here.

Another thing I noticed was that during the story, when you used pronouns referring to Poochyena, you sometimes switched between 'it' and 'he'. It's best to stick with one if you can, and for sure, don't go back and forth. Either is fine, though, whichever you prefer.

Length: Usually, this doesn't mean a whole lot, but I consider it to be a kind of red light as to whether or not you've put enough into the story for a capture. For a Bulbasaur, the minimum amount of characters is about 20k, and even then, it is much better to aim for at least 5k or so over the minimum to help ensure the capture. After counting the story characters myself, I found yours to have 10565. That's a little over half the minimum. Needless to say, that's not good. In the future, really work on the other sections in order to add to this.

Detail/Description: In general, you described things very well. The setting especially I could see vividly through your words, though, again, you didn't go much into what the Pokemon or Konzai looked like. Since I've already touched on that, though, I'll go on to something else I noticed. There was a place in the beginning where you used a descriptive word wrong.

The grass was soft on Konzai’s bare back, its green lush tickling his spine as he lay down, panting from the rough exercise.

Here, you're using 'lush' as a noun, but it's an adjective. A better word in its place would be 'stalks' or 'blades'. Actually, you could place 'lush' in front of green as well, to keep the word in the sentence.

Battle: This was easily the best portion of your story, and the most exciting. You really do battles quite well. You made the battle two sided, used the setting, and described the attacks in good detail. The only thing I would have liked to of seen more description of was the long range attacks, like the Bulbasaur's Vine Whip and Razor Leaf. For example, try using the colors in their descriptions, to give us a better idea of what it looks like. Aside from that, I don't have much to critisize here, and even that was really just getting nit-picky...

Outcome: After a lot of debate, I decided that the Bulbasaur was Captured! This was extremely close, though. Two things really saved you here; the battle and your setting description. It swayed me enough to let you keep the little bulb Pokemon, but in the future, I want to see, more than anything else, a plot. It was that more than anything else that almost kept your from getting the capture. Really, really work on that, because, in my opinion anyway, it's the plot that makes the story. Without a plot, even the most well-written story is just plain boring.