View Full Version : Small Blue Eyes

04-26-2008, 05:21 PM
Lilly sat on her mother's steps awaiting the arrival of her father. The rain fell down on her face, forcing the tears to fall faster. Everything had happened too fast for her. It seemed as if someone was poking fun at her. Her dull blue eyes looked up at the cloudy, gray sky. The sky used to look so pretty. It was as if the heavens were crying right along side with Lilly.

Bright lights flashed upon Lilly's face. She looked solemnly upon the familiar, onyx car that had pulled upon in front of her. Her dirty blonde hair stuck to her small face. The hair she usually placed behind her ears fell into her face. She dropped her head as she pulled her body up to walk to the car. She opened the back door to see the gray seats. She placed her moist suitcase on the ground of the car and sat down in the seat opposite the driver. She quietly pulled on the seat strap and secured it into the buckle. Her head fell to the side as she looked upon the sad house. Tears fell from her cheek onto her drenched purple dress. She looked at the floral print stitched in by her mother. Written in bright flowers was the name Lilly. She rubbed her hand across the letters, feeling them to truly make sure they were there. The letters brought a stronger flow of tears. Her father peered his head over his seat to glance upon his daughter's face. Poor Girl sure has been through a lot recently, Lilly's father thought to himself. He remembered something as he reached over into the glove compartment. He opened it as a long beautiful tulip with a tag fell into his hand. He passed the delicate purple flower over to his daughter's lap. A small smile appeared on the pale face. She looked up at her father fondly and nodded at his as she looked back at the flower. The memorable moments of her and her father gardening flowers in the spring made her forget her troubles for a little. She placed the flower into an indentation in the dress made just for a flower. Lilly's mother had customized the dress everyway she could for Lilly. However, the joy was short lived as the remembrance of Lilly's mother crept into her mind. No other interactions were made for the rest of the car ride.

The small black car pulled up to the small town church. Lilly's father opened the door and walked over to his daughter's. He noticed she was asleep. He opened the door and began to shake his daughter's arm. Her eyes slowly opened and looked up his warm face. She smiled at him and grabbed her suitcase. She carried the luggage up the steps and up to the door. She looked upon the big red door that was going to be her home. Her father laid his right hand on her shoulder as he opened the door. The entrance room was elegant and sophisticated. Lilly walked inside and removed her muddy boots. She looked around and noticed a tall upright man standing over her. She jumped in fear.

"Sorry to frighten you miss. Let me introduce myself," the man said. "I am Sir Redwood, but you may call me James." The man's appearance suddenly shifted to a nice happy looking man. Lilly smiled at him politely.

"Well I'm Lilly," she said. James made Lilly feel much more comfortable. Lilly's father looked down at his daughter. He had been correct in hiring James. The young shorthaired youth had been living as a poor life when Lilly's father took him in. His short brown hair and gleeful face had won him over too.

"Lilly your room is just up those stairs and to the left," the girl's father said. Lilly quickly ran up the stairs. She opened the door to find her dream room, complete with floral wallpaper, pink sheets and a nice computer and desk. She jumped onto her comfy bed when she noticed something on her bed stand. It was a small red and white ball. She picked it up and looked it over. There was a note attached to the back that read:

"Lilly, I had James look all over for this Pokémon just for you. I hope you like it, Dad."

Lilly quickly tossed the ball into the large open space in her room. A bright light flashed as a small green Pokémon appeared. It had a small yellow face and a leaf underneath its face. It had two long pieces that wrapped around each other at the top. Lilly did not know what it was, but she loved it either way. She ran over to it and gave it a big hug. As she squeezed it, the thing let out a, "Byu!" Lilly jumped back in surprise.

"You- you're alive!" Lilly's smiled stretched even further. She screamed with joy so loud James came running in to make sure she was okay. He laughed at the sight of the two.

"I see you found your new friend? Took me two days to find that there Budew," he said in his laidback voice.

"So you're a Budew. Oh! Is this one of those Pokémon things?" Lilly asked James.

James was taken back by this question. "Well of course it is! Haven't you ever seen one before?" Lilly shook her head. "Oh!" James took out a book from his back pocket. "Here you can have this."

Lilly took the book in her hands. The title was: Beginner Pokémon Masters. Lilly grasped the book to her chest as she hugged James. The Budew cocked its head to the side as it looked at its new odd master.

Lilly was very tired at this point so after James left she changed into her night gown and began to read her book. It told her that returning your Pokémon required her to pick up the Pokéball and point it at the Pokémon. She attempted this several times with no avail. She looked over the rules one more time and tried. The Pokémon was successfully returned. Lilly smiled and content with herself for the day, fell asleep.

Lilly's eyes opened slowly to see her new room. She loved it. Her father knew everything about her. He smiled at fair smile as she looked over at her Pokéball. She jumped up and grabbed the ball as she tossed it. A flash of light came from the ball as Budew appeared. It sat looking pondered at her. Lilly smiled her with her face-stretching smile. She pulled out her book and began to read the next chapter which described battling. Lilly wanted to test out Budew's battling ability. She changed into a white dress with a floral print along the bottom and grabbed her Pokémon and Pokéball. She ran out the door of her room and down the steps. As she ran through the hallway, her and her father collided, sending Budew across the floor. Lilly stood up and ran after her Pokémon after a courteous, "My apologies" to her father. Lilly's father laughed and smiled at his youthful daughter. She ran out the front door with her new companion.

Once outside, Lilly referenced her book. She had marked the battling section. It told her to call out the Pokémon you wanted to battle. There were not any Pokémon around so she decided they would practice on a tree. "Hey! Tree! I challenge you!" Lilly said. She felt very silly, but she wanted to battle and if that meant feeling silly then oh well. Budew looked up at its master then at the tree. "Use! Uh, Absorb!" Lilly said. Her book had a list of attacks with the Pokémon that learned it next to them. Budew began to focus her mind towards the tree. It inhaled as it let out the energy from its mind to the tree. A green glow was formed that drained some of the leaves on the tree from their color. Lilly jumped with happiness. She looked at her Budew who looked slightly more refreshed now. She looked over the description of Absorb one more time to see that it had the ability to take in energy from opponents. Lilly liked that attack. She began to scan again through all of the attacks in the book. Her eyes had played several tricks on her, causing her to use attacks that Budew did not know. When Lilly passed over Growth, she double-checked to make sure that Budew could actually use it. After her confirmation, she told Budew to use Growth. Budew began to put lots of stress on her body until suddenly she seemed to have grown about two inches. Lilly walked over to a tree and pulled out a berry. Her book had said that Pokémon liked berries. Budew bit into it and spat it out disgusted by the taste. Lilly frowned as she went back to the chapter about berries. She had forgotten that certain Pokémon like only certain flavors. There was a picture of an Oran Berry. Lilly looked for one and gave it to her Pokémon Budew ate the berry in one bite and burped happily. Lilly giggled as she scooped up her Pokémon and ran back inside to tell James all about it.

After her story to James, Lilly's father called her for breakfast. He was a great chef and used to make Lilly all kinda of good meals while her parents were still together. Lilly hopped onto the stool in the Kitchen and placed Budew on the counter. Lilly looked at her father and asked, "What's for brefast?" "Brefast" was what Lilly used to call breakfast when she was three and four. Lilly's father smiled as he laid out the stack of pancakes with a small square of butter on top. He grabbed his own stack and sat in the stool beside his daughter. The two munched down on their food. Lilly wasn't able to eat all three pancakes so she gave a small piece to Budew, hugged her father, and ran out the room before her father had finished.

Outside once more, Lilly sat against a tree just quietly thinking about her new life. James walked out of the door and smiled at her. "So, Lilly, what's on your mind?" the gentle man in his twenties said to the small girl only six. She smiled at him.

"Just thinking about things," Lilly said pleasantly. Her eyes had not focused in on James; they were caught on something moving about in a nearby bush. She cocked her head and suddenly Budew began to ready itself. James followed her gaze to the bush and wondered what was rustling in the bush. Suddenly, a Poliwag popped out of the bush. Lilly screamed from fright, but then regained her cool after remember that she needed to stay calm. This must have been another Pokémon. Lilly smiled. "Budew! We're gunna fight that guy okay!" Budew tensed itself as it prepared for battle. It looked over its opponent. Lilly quickly went through the marked pages in her book to make sure she knew everything about battling she had read.

"Budew start with um," Lilly looked through her book, "Oh yeah! Start with Growth!" Budew began to focus itself and strain its body. Poliwag took advantage of this though and used Bubble. Budew's attack was stopped as she was sent into a bush. Lilly frowned and stamped her foot. James watched her carefully to make sure she did not hurt herself. Lilly looked through her book. "Use Absorb!" Lilly shouted. Budew staggered up, but Poliwag was there as he ran into it and sent Budew away again. The Pokémon tried to stand up again, but was knocked away by the powerful Poliwag. Poliwag snuffed itself up in its victory. Lilly became very frustrated. "Budew!" she stopped as something snapped in her head. She ran to her Pokémon that was now about 50 feet away from her. She picked up Budew and cradled it, feeding the Pokémon an Oran Berry she had saved. Budew looked more refreshed as she looked delicately up at her master.

Budew stood opposite the sneering Poliwag. Budew was now ready to fight. "Ok Budew! Let's win this!" Poliwag rushed at the plant Pokémon, his swirl seeming to rotate while he moved. Poliwag jumped at the last moment off of its small fin feet and began to fall head first onto Budew, with its long slim tail following behind. "Budew dodge now!" Lilly called as Budew dove forward to dodge the attack. Poliwag fell flat on its head and rolled over with a dazed look. "Now Absorb!" Lilly called to her Pokémon. Budew began to scrunch up as it then released its stored energy at the Poliwag. Budew began to brighten itself as Poliwag became less active. Poliwag broke free from the attack and knocked Budew into the ground. The flower Pokémon's little face looked up at her master. Poliwag was not done though. He ran in and slapped Budew around several times. "Budew quickly use Absorb again!" Lilly called doubtfully. This time absorb came much faster as Poliwag was drained once more. Budew took it upon itself to run in and bash Poliwag with her long vines. She continued by using Absorb once more. Poliwag's eyes resembled the swirl on his body as James pulled something out of his pocket. He tossed the small ball over to Lilly, who caught it. The ball suddenly enlarged itself. And with only instinct, Lilly tossed the ball at the Poliwag. A red light engulfed the blue Pokémon. The ball landed and began to shake, once, twice...

05-05-2008, 02:45 AM
Finally finished

Pokemon to be captured: Poliwag
Level of Difficulty: Simple
Characters w/ spaces: 12,392
Characters w/o spaces: 10,112

Phantom Kat
05-14-2008, 01:27 AM
Sorry for the wait but hope the grade makes up for that. =)

Plot: Lilly has just suffered the loss of her mother and is taken in by her dad who lives in a church with a youth named James. In her room awaits her a surprise, a Budew and a Pokemon guide book. Lilly is excited and goes to practice battling, reading her guide book whenever she needs to look something up. As she is talking to James, a Poliwag appears. Eager to do some real battling, Budew and Poliwag face off.

I liked it, it was good for a Poliwag. Everybody gets tired in seeing one trainer story after the other where the character is cocky and confident; I’m glad you took a different approach here. It was interesting that Lilly didn’t even know what a Pokemon was, but I have a hard time believing that if she lives in the Pokemon world. Does she live in some kind of old town where Pokemon are kept away or exterminated or something like that? With stuff like this, it’s not a good idea to let the reader guess why because that will make the story seem unrealistic. An explanation about stuff like this can always help in the long run even if it seems tedious to explain.

Another thing I would like to point out is that we never really got to know why Lilly was sad, we don’t what “happened too fast for her”. Did her parents get a divorce (I think that’s what happened from one sentence), did her mother die? We can’t feel sorry for the character, we can’t begin to understand her if we don’t know why she is sad or happy to scare. This can be overlook because it’s for a Simple Pokemon and all, but just make sure you explain further in your future stories.

Introduction: This was nice as well. It opened up with sad mood, which I haven’t seen many stories do. Like I said earlier, though, it’s always better to explain things so that the readers aren’t left wondering.

In your introduction, I could see Lilly somewhat but not everything else. I couldn’t see her house, her dad, the car, or the surroundings around them. Despite the fact that the introduction is mostly centered on Lilly’s emotions, we still need to see what and who is around her. As she sadly shuffles to the car with her suitcase, you can describe the house she left behind or the quiet houses around her. As she is staring out the window with a solemn gaze, you can describe her father as he is staring t her from the front seat. In small ways like that, you can describe basically everything in the introduction while still centering on Lilly’s feelings.

Something else you can add to the introduction is a bit of the character’s background history. How old is Lilly? Where does she live? Was she happy with her family before something happened to the mother?

Grammar/Description: This was good, I didn’t see any major mistakes and the mistakes I did see were minor.

Her dull blue eyes looked up at the cloudy, gray sky.

You don’t need a comma if a color is following an adjective.

]She looked up at her father fondly and nodded at his as she looked back at the flower.

Should be “him”.

]She placed the flower into an indentation in the dress made just for a flower.

The second “flower” makes the sentence seem a bit redundant. You can replace it with something like “the delicate plant” or “the violet gift”.

It sat looking pondered at her.

“Pondered” is a past tense verb, not an adjective. You can replace it with something like “quizzically”.

Budew began to focus her mind towards the tree.

You sometimes referred to Budew as “it” and sometimes as “she”. Pick one and stick with it, don’t switch from one to the other.

"So, Lilly, what's on your mind?" the gentle man in his twenties said to the small girl only six.

It doesn’t sound right, I think you’re missing a “who was” in between “girl” and “only”.

She ran to her Pokémon that was now about 50 feet away from her.

All numbers below “100” should be capitalized. So “50” should be “fifty”.

Length: Over the max, nice going, keep it up!

Description/Detail: This area was a bit iffy. You had nice adjectives going on like the dad’s warm face how Lilly occasionally smiled. However, other than their actions and some occasional thing like the wallpaper of Lilly’s new room, things were sort of bland. James and Lilly’s dad weren’t described at all and Lilly herself was only described with blue eyes and a flowered dress. We need to see ALL characters as clearly as possible, we need to have a good picture of them so that we can follow them throughout the story. Even unimportant Pokemon like Poliwag need to be described just as well as Budew.

For this section, concentrate on describing more of the characters and their surroundings (the church, the house she left behind, the area she was practicing battling in). Bring them to life, make it as though we knew them our whole lives.

Battle: This was good for the small Water type. Both sides got good hits despite the fact that Budew exploited its enemy’s weaknesses with Absorb. All I can say is to describe the attacks more thoroughly, more vividly so it adds some spice and excitement to the battle and to make the moves more vary; Budew has Water Sport, Stun Spore, Mega Drain, and Worry Seed in its arsenal in addition to Growth and Absorb and Poliwag has a ton of other attacks, as well, the battle can be made very exciting if both of them use a good amount of different moves.

Outcome: This wasn’t hard to decide: Poliwag captured! Elaborate on your description throughout the story, and don’t forget to explain things in your story that might leave the reader guessing. Other than that, have fun with Poliwag, and PM me if you ever need me again! ^^

- Kat

05-14-2008, 01:44 AM
Thank you very much!!

It was kinda intentional that what happened to the mother was left out, just because I felt saying it would subtract from the mood, but I understand the problems with this. Yeah I'm not really sure why she didn't know about em... I guess I gues thought it'd be nicer to do a stroy in which she didn't :oops:

My description always seems to be lacking, I'm used to writing persuasive essays and such because for some reason that's all we do in school. So I'm not totally used to doing detail that to me I can already see in my head. :confused:

Thank you very much though (again) for my new friend!

Phantom Kat
05-14-2008, 01:51 AM
Thank you very much!!

It was kinda intentional that what happened to the mother was left out, just because I felt saying it would subtract from the mood, but I understand the problems with this. Yeah I'm not really sure why she didn't know about em... I guess I gues thought it'd be nicer to do a stroy in which she didn't :oops:

My description always seems to be lacking, I'm used to writing persuasive essays and such because for some reason that's all we do in school. So I'm not totally used to doing detail that to me I can already see in my head. :confused:

Thank you very much though (again) for my new friend!

Hehe, yeah, essays can limit ones imagination, huh?

If you're having trpuble with description, close your eyes and imagine what you are trying to describe. What color is it? How do you think it would feel if you touch it(you can use this when describing a Pokemon's fur or someone's hair)? If you're describing something like food, for exmaple, is it still warm? Can the character smell the butter melting into the bread or feel the swuish slab of butter? After you finish a story, you can go back and then add the description so that way, you have more time to think about what it looks like, feels like, smells like, etc.

Just a little tip, don't know if it helps. ^^; Well, no prob, the more you write and listen to advice, the better you'll get. You're welcome and have fun! =)

- Kat