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Pheritzelf
04-29-2008, 10:21 PM
A Best Friend, A Rival's Debt!

One very fateful day, Xaiaku was walking by a river nearby Goldenrod City, when suddenly, BAM! "Hey, you! I challenge you! right here! right now! If you don't accept, you are a coward!!" boomed the voice of what sounded like an anxious teenager like himself. Xaiaku spun around to face the being that called him out. Much to his suprise, it was his long time friend Xanzoku, who was the person who started the same time he did. Xaiaku knew that Xanzoku started his journey with a Sandshrew. Yet he had no clue what to expect.

"Alright, bro! You're on!" Xaiaku replied, grasping the Pokeball of his Starter Pokemon Scizor, which was originally a Scyther. "Let's make it a Starter vs Starter battle!" Xaiaku added.

"Alrighty!" Xanzoku said, pulling out a pokeball, "Go, Pokeball!" Xanzoku shouted, Pokeball obviously said to keep the pokemon a secret. The ball burst open in mid-air, releasing, via a white burst of light, a small, tan/yellow Pokemon with thick brown armored plates from head to tail on its back, its small arms sported rather large claws. This Pokemon was no longer the simple Sandshrew that it was when he first saw it, Sandshrew had become Sandslash.

"Wow! You've definately grown your Pokemon well. But then again, so have I!" Xaiaku shouted, lunging his own pokeball into the air. "Go, Pokeball!" Xaiaku declared, also keeping the name of his pokemon a secret. The ball burst open, releasing, via a white burst of light, A pokemon just a bit bigger that Xaiaku, its entire exoskeleton was made up of a metallic red armor, its rather skinnky limbs supported massive Claws and Legs. Its wings spread out wide and tall, ending just above the Pokemon's thorax, though seeming only strong enough to keep it airborne for a short time. It's off set blue eyes stared daggers at the Sandslash who's beady black eyes stared right back.

"SCIZORRR!!!" the big red bug cried out. Xaiaku smirked, he knew that this battle was his from the start. "You wanna quit now, save yourself some embarrassment?" Xaiaku asked, boasting the power of his Scizor.

"Not a chance, Sandslash! use quick attack!" Xanzoku replied, as soon as the words left his mouth, Sanslash swiftly darted towards the bigger bug Pokemon.

"Metal Claw.." Xaiaku said, rather calmly. The small armadillo-like pokemon crashed head first into to the steel body of Scizor, causing little damage as the bug Pokemon's white glowing left claw plowed into the back of the Sandslash, sending to the ground with a thud.

"Dig!" called Xanzoku. The ground Pokemon burrowed its claws into the earth, and swiftly dug itself into a narrow hole in the ground. Xaiaku barely seemed phased by this.

"Hey, Scizor, take the easy way out, use metal claw on the ground," Xaiaku ordered, his cocky and arrogant side emerging. The bug Pokemon's right claw glowed white, as it reared back before plowing the glowing claw into the earth as hard as it could, sending wild vibrations every whichway, causing it to break apart, and reveal the location of the currently stunned Sandslash.

"Crap.. Sandslash, use sand attack!"

"Scizor! quick attack!"

The Scizor sped towards the stunned Sandslash leaving a white streak behind it. However, just before the bug pokemon could connect the attack, Sandslash came to, and wildy kicked sand into the unaware eyes of the Scizor, blinding the pokemon and killing off the attack.

"Scizor! come on! use Agility!!"

"Sandslash! Rock Slide!!"

The Sandslash lifted and launched several large rocks at Scizor, however due to Scizor's agility, the rocks missed. "Yeah!! that's the way, Scizor!" Xaiaku ranted, "er.. HEY! WATCH OUT FOR THAT..-!" due to Scizor's blindness, it had unintentionally rammed full force into a rather large tree. Xaiaku watched, while Xanzoku and Sanslash both laughed hysterically. "Yeah, laugh it up, Scizor CAN win," said Xaiaku, his arrogant and cocky attitude turning swiftly into pride and confidence in his Pokemon. Scizor wiped the sand from its eyes, and made eye contact with Xaiaku. At this point, it seemed as if though Scizor and Xaiaku were as a whole being, and Xaiaku knew, when this happened, nothing could stop them.

"It's game on, GO! Scizor, Metal Claw!" called Xaiaku.

"Game over for you! Sandslash! use Metal Claw, too!" ordered Xanzoku.

The two Pokemon grew a fire in their eyes, staring the other down, their claws began glowing white, and the breeze blew gently by. Almost as if time stood still, awaiting the breeze to pass before either Pokemon stepped forward. Then, the breeze stopped, Scizor kicked off from the ground, using its wings to fly at Sandslash. Sandslash charges as fast as its little legs would allow. The two Pokemon still kept eye contact, until Sandslash leapt into the air to come to Scizor's level. The fire in their eyes burned, they reared their claws back, and lunged their attacks as hard as the could towards the other. A flash of light, two Pokemon back to back, just a few feet from the other. Sandslash, looking at Xaiaku, Scizor looking at Xanzoku. Scizor suddenly fell to one knee, leaving Xaiaku worried. However, a few seconds later, Sandslash fell, defeated.

Xaiaku looked up in joy and pointed to Xanzoku, "I win! But you were an awesome opponent! Scizor! Return!" he said, pointing a pokeball to Scizor and shooting a red beam at the bug-type Pokemon, sending it back inside. Xanzoku did the same motion with Sandslash.

"I need to go, nice battle, Xai!" said Xanzoku, taking off without a word more.

"Hm.. I wonder," Xaiaku pondered, "what other crazy mess am I going to be in?"

No sooner that Xaiaku finished his sentence, did he not hear a sudden splash near him, from the river. A rather large goldfish-looking creature burst from the rapid flowing waters of the river. The Pokemon proceeded to uses its tail fin to repeatedly slap Xaiaku in the face, causing him to fall on his bottom in embarrassment. A distained look emerged onto Xaiaku's face as he reached into his black back pack to retrieve an empty pokeball, thus proceeding to enlarge, and chuck the red and white sphere at the still airborne Magikarp. The ball hit the side of the Fish Pokemon like a bullz-eye, and burst open to unleash a red beam that would engulf the Magikarp into its eerie red glow, and then suck the beam back inside, to then snap the Pokeball shut, and proceed to land somehow gently on the generally rough earth before it. Xaiaku thought to himself that in under a minute, he experienced 5 whole emotional experiences in under a minute.

The ball shook for a few short moments, as Xaiaku thought to himself. First he was all calm and collected, while strolling next to a river. Then he was shocked at the sudden emergence of the Magikarp. He was then embarressed by the repeated fin slaps to the face. Then spite towards the fish at his own dismay, attempting to do a rather unusual act, leading to the final emotion. He felt stupid and confused for trying to catch a Magikarp. Xaiaku's face proceeded to look distorted and stupid, "Why? Why did I just do that? Why did I just try and catch a Magikarp?" Xaiaku though outloud, "I must be insane." He got up and walked over to the ball that lay shaking upon the earths surface. "I'm going to end up NOT regretting this capture, I can guarantee that, somehow...," Xaiaku said, kneeling down and gazing towards the lightweight sphere.

_________________________
You may grade it, now.
I didn't type this on MS Word, because I don't have it, so I didn't have Spell Check or Character Count.
This, I believe, is my 3rd story.

EmBreon
05-20-2008, 04:32 PM
Story/Plot: Two rivals face off in a battle of their starters, then a Magikarp happens to splash up in a nearby river. To be blunt, these plots are extremely overdone, and just about a given for every Magikarp story.:oops: It seems like you took the technical side of writing over the creative one, if that makes any sense. Conjuring a basic plot with minimal descriptions and twists, or side events is okay...but had you simply wrote about something different than a typical Magikarp theme, it would have immensely improved the quality of this story.

I don't want to seem harsh, it is just a bit disappointing to see people who have an obvious capability to write put forth the bare minimum effort in their stories. I could see you preparing or thinking for just ten minutes longer and coming up with a much more creative plot than this. However, I do realize that this is a Magikarp story, and creative plots aren't necessary. You did a nice job writing, it just seemed a bit dull is all.

Grammar/Spelling: For not having written this on a Word program, this section was done rather well. I didn't see many mistakes at all.

"SCIZORRR!!!" the big red bug cried out.

Not really a good idea to end sentences in multiple punctuation points. I saw this happening often, and only one is really necessary to pull off the same emotion.

"I win! But you were an awesome opponent! Scizor! Return!" he said, pointing a pokeball to Scizor and shooting a red beam at the bug-type Pokemon, sending it back inside.

The problem with this is that you are using exclamation points, and then describing it with 'he said'. The two contradict each other. Something like 'exclaimed', 'yelled', or 'shouted' in place of 'said' would have worked a bit better.

Also, remember that Poke Ball and Pokemon, and basically any other item or word that relates to Pokemon in general should always be capitalized.

Anyway, this overall was really good; you did a great job.

Detail/Description: Very nice in some areas, pretty okay in others. You were probably best when you described the appearance of both Scizor and Sandslash, and the attacks of that battle were done nicely as well. I think this could have been awesome if you put a little more effort into it, but Magikarp doesn't require that.

Length: Fine.

Battle: Well...Magikarp was never attacked. ^^; It just slapped your lead character in the face a few times, and somehow ended up in a Poke Ball. Even if you had just punched it or something, I would have considered it a battle. Make sure your battle is really well written when you finish your story, as it plays an important role in the outcome.

Outcome: It was a little close for me, but I feel I may be being a bit too harsh. You had length, the story overall was okay, and I don't see a big reason to keep the fish from you. Magikarp captured! Have fun with it, and sorry for your wait. :3