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Mr M
05-05-2008, 08:08 PM
~The Bulbing Bulbasaur~
Chapter 1
Marcus' attempt to capture a stubborn Bulbasaur
(The encounter)

As Marcus heads out of his home, located in a small rural town, the cool and gentle breeze blows through his black hair, while walking along a dirt path, that's surrounded by trees, their branches swayed in rhythm while the wind blew, and the sunlight shows the forest's its true beauty. The suns rays can be seen, illuminating through the thick leafs, that shades him. Flocks of Pidgeys can be heard chirping playfully as they to are enjoying the new day. Marcus looks up slightly and enjoys the gentle breeze that signals a new beginning for his adventure to come. "Ahh..What a great day." He says softly to himself as he stretches his arms upwards, while walking along the dirt pathway. He thinks to himself, "I probably should let Charmander get some a breath of fresh air." He then reaches for Charmander's Pokeball in his black backpack, then shouts out "Charmander! Come on out!" He tosses it up into the air, releasing his companion.

The Pokemon lets out a cute "Chaaarrr!" And lands on his two feet, with his claws in front of him, his tail positioned firmly behind him, and the flame at its tip, burns a bright red orange, showing off just how healthy he really is. Charmander then smiles at his new found trainer. "Hey Charmander!" Marcus says to him, while smiling at him. Now, walking side by side, as Trainer and Pokemon, Marcus notices just briefly to his right. "Hmm..What's that?" Marcus carefully sneaks towards closer inch by inch at the strange figure moving around in a nearby bush that's blooming with Oran berries. At the same time motioning Charmander to follow him with his left hand. Suddenly, the bushes stopped moving. Marcus and Charmander both pause. "Huh? It stopped moving." He says softly to himself. Charmander pulls on the bottom of Marcus' dark blue jeans, and points towards the far right of the bushes. He turns and looks down at his companion "What is it Charmander?"

He sees Charmander pointing to the direction that needed his attention. There, Marcus sees a rare Bulbasaur. "Wow! I can't believe there's actually one hanging around here in THIS forest! This must be our lucky day Charmander!" He yells with such enthusiasm. He then pulls out his Pokedex to get more information on him. The Pokedex lets out a computerized voice "Bulbasaur, the seed Pokemon. For some time after its birth, it grows by gaining nourishment from the seed on its back." Bulbasaur turns its head and see them both, and poised himself in a defense posture, his eyes locked onto them with anger.

"Hey, take it easy Bulbasaur. We don't mean you any harm." Marcus says to the angered seed Pokemon. Bulbasaur lets out another small growl "Bulba..Rrrr.." Marcus looks at Charmander with an embarrassed look on his face and says "Well, looks like it's pretty mad at us for disturbing its meal." Charmander lets out a small sigh at his goofy trainer "Mander.."

"But hey! We should be grateful Charmander! We'll be able to get this one of a kind rare Bulbasaur!" He says confidently. As he carelessly talks to Charmander, Bulbasaur is already on the move, running further into the thick forest. Charmander jumps up and down, pointing at the fleeing Bulbasaur, and yelling for his trainer's attention "Char! Char!"

Marcus looks at the direction that Charmander is pointing. "Ah! Its getting away!" He screams. "Quick! Charmander use your Flamethrower to stop it from running!" Charmander jumps once more, then letting out a huge roar "Chaarrrr!" Out comes a stream of fire bursting out of his mouth and lands perfectly right in front of Bulbasaur's escape route, causing it to stop in its tracks. Marcus then lets out a small smirk and says "Finding a Bulbasaur here is totally rare! I'm not gonna let you get away!" Bulbasaur then turns to its attacker, poised for battle.

Mr M
05-09-2008, 07:39 PM
~The Bulbing Bulbasaur~
Chapter 2
Marcus' attempt to capture a stubborn Bulbasaur
(The capture)

As Charmander sets himself up for battle. Marcus issues a command to his trusted Pokemon "Okay buddy! Let's show'em your Slash attack!" Charmander rushes towards his grass and poisoned type opponent, and swings his right claw in a downward posture. But the grumpy Bulbasaur manages to blocked with its Vine Whip, by wrapping its vines around Charmander's claw. "Uh oh! Not good!" Marcus says loudly. Bulbasaur tries to left his attacker upwards, but Charmander is resisting its grip, pulling backwards on Bulbasaur's vine.

As the two Pokemon plays the game of tug of war. Marcus issues another command to Charmander. "Hurry! Use another Flamethrower!" Charmander opens its mouth once more to unleash his most powerful attack on Bulbasaur. "Chaaaarrrr!" Blazing the seed Pokemon right in the face with one of its weaknesses. But for some reason, Bulbasaur didn't let go of his grip that he has on Charmander.

"Man, this one sure is persistent." Marcus says to himself. But he then notices that Bulbasaur's legs are starting to shake, and its eyes are just nearly closed. Bulbasaur's mouth begins to smirk up, and opens its eyes wide. Both Marcus and Charmander looks at it with surprise.

Marcus says in a panicky tone. "What the!? There's no way it could have stood up against a close up Flamethrower! Well in that case, Charmander hurry! Give it another Flamethrower! " But before Charmander could attack, Bulbasaur lifts the Fire type up high above the ground, and slams him hard onto the dirt. Marcus looks on with his eyes wide open and shouts out "Charmander! Hang in there!"

It seemed hopeless for Charmander to get up after a counterattack like that. But Marcus notices that Bulbasaur was having a hard time pulling back his vine. As the dust cleared from that huge slam, he sees Charmander, still holding onto the vine. "You're alright! You had me worried there buddy!" Charmander clenches his teeth and grabs the vines firmly with his left claw that was not being held by the vines awaiting for his trainer to give him another command.

"Alright! One more Flamethrower!" Charmander opens its mouth once again, and lets loose another stream of fire, this time, the stream is a lot bigger than the one before and letting out an even louder roar. "CHAAAAAARRRR!" Covering Bulbasaur's entire body. The vines start to loosen its grip on Charmander's right claw. Then before Bulbasaur could get another chance to counterattack, Charmander rushes towards it then swings its tail right on the side of Bulbasaur's head, sending it flying a few feet towards the right, and hitting a nearby tree.

Marcus quickly reaches into his bag for a Pokeball and hits the center button. "Okay..Pokeball, go!" He yells while throwing it at the injured Bulbasaur. Suddenly, the supposedly injured Bulbasaur manages to swap the Pokeball away, by unleashing another Vine Whip.

Bulbasaur then jumps back up on its feet, staggering, and ready for another go with the already worn out Charmander. The eager trainer clenches his right fist and says "Alright, let's end this right now Charmander! We've got to catch it!" Charmander nods while keeping its eyes on Bulbasaur.

"Okay Charmander! Let's give it another Slash attack!" Charmander nods once again to his trainer's command, and rushes towards Bulbasaur. As the fired up Charmander rushes in, at the same time Bulbasaur is gathering energy. Marcus stares on at it, and wondering what is Bulbasaur up to. "Wait! Don't tell me it knows how to do Solarbeam!? Hold it Charmander!" He shouts out.

While Bulbasaur is slowly gaining energy from the sun, Marcus yells out to Charmander "We have to hurry and attack it before it can build up enough sunlight." He thinks to himself. The pumped up trainer issues another command towards Charmander, "Alright Charmander, another Flamethrower on Bulbasaur! And give it all you've got!" Screams Marcus. Charmander takes another huge breath, and opens its mouth as wide as it could go, roaring out loud, and letting out a huge fiery stream. Yet at the same time, Bulbasaur has already absorbed enough sunlight, and fires out its Solarbeam, colliding with Charmander's Flamethrower. A loud bang indicates how fierce and powerful their attacks are.

As the two attacks fight back and fourth for supremacy, it would seem that the struggle between them is at a stalemate. Suddenly, a huge explosion echoes though the battlefield, dust flying everywhere. Making it hard to see the surroundings. Marcus closes his eyes, and raises both of his arms, shielding his face. "Argh! Charmander!" He yells out, hoping that his partner came out on top.

When the dust finally cleared, the two Pokemon managed to make it out alright, for the moment. Charmander can be seen, trembling with exhaustion. The same can be said about Bulbasaur also, but it looks as if Bulbasaur has taken much more damage than Charmander due to the earlier Flamethrowers it endured. The two Pokemon stare at each other for a brief moment, at a brief moment, Bulbasaur collapses onto the floor.

Marcus looks on and quickly reaches into his backpack, and pulling out a Pokeball. "Alright, you're mine!" He presses the center button, and throws it at the already collapsed Bulbasaur. The Pokeball opens up, and zaps Bulbasaur, and bringing it in. It lands with a small thud, wiggling from left to right...

EmBreon
05-20-2008, 04:36 PM
Story/Plot: Unfortunately, this is a 'Boy and his Pokemon venture into forest and happen upon Pokemon' story. These kinds of plots are really only successful in the Easiest or perhaps Simple category, depending on how well it is written. But, Bulbasaur sits in Hard, which means you need a decently strong plot if you want a successful capture.

Not much happened, and for a Bulbasaur, you need to make your story as interesting as you can. Think of some kind of problem that Marcus and Charmander must undergo before they encounter the Bulbasaur. For example, perhaps Charmander accidentally set the forest ablaze due to some rigorous training exercises. Or, maybe a vicious clan of Bulbasaur have been causing difficulties to a nearby town. The options are limitless, you just need to use one that is more a original and lengthly.

The introduction was very well done, on a positive note. You set the scene nicely and gave a very good visual of your surroundings, so you'll definitely want to keep that.

Grammar/Spelling: This is probably the first story I have read here that has properly (for the most part) written in present tense. You achieved this by remaining consistent with it instead of flipping between the two, so good job.

I actually read this over pretty smoothly; there were only a few things that I noticed:

The Pokemon lets out a cute "Chaaarrr!" And lands on his two feet, with his claws in front of him, his tail positioned firmly behind him, and the flame at its tip, burns a bright red orange, showing off just how healthy he really is. Charmander then smiles at his new found trainer. "Hey Charmander!" Marcus says to him, while smiling at him. Now, walking side by side, as Trainer and Pokemon, Marcus notices just briefly to his right. "Hmm..What's that?" Marcus carefully sneaks towards closer inch by inch at the strange figure moving around in a nearby bush that's blooming with Oran berries. At the same time motioning Charmander to follow him with his left hand. Suddenly, the bushes stopped moving. Marcus and Charmander both pause. "Huh? It stopped moving." He says softly to himself. Charmander pulls on the bottom of Marcus' dark blue jeans, and points towards the far right of the bushes. He turns and looks down at his companion "What is it Charmander?"

Here you have two people (or creatures, I guess) speaking within the same paragraph. A basic rule of dialogue is that a new paragraph begins when a new person/creature/thingo speaks. So should be more like:

The Pokemon lets out a cute "Chaaarrr!" and lands on his two feet. His claws are in front of him, his tail positioned firmly behind him, and the flame at its tip burns a bright red and orange while showing off just how healthy he really is. Charmander then smiles at his new found trainer.

"Hey Charmander!" Marcus says to him, while smiling at him.

Now walking side by side, as Trainer and Pokemon, Marcus notices just briefly to his right. "Hmm..What's that?" Marcus carefully sneaks towards closer inch by inch at the strange figure moving around in a nearby bush that's blooming with Oran berries. At the same time motioning Charmander to follow him with his left hand.

Suddenly, the bushes stopped moving. Marcus and Charmander both pause. "Huh? It stopped moving," he says softly to himself. Charmander pulls on the bottom of Marcus' dark blue jeans, and points towards the far right of the bushes. He turns and looks down at his companion "What is it, Charmander?"

A new paragraph should also begin every time a new idea is introduced. I edited that for grammar also.

"Hey, take it easy Bulbasaur. We don't mean you any harm." Marcus says to the angered seed Pokemon.

This is a common dialogue problem. If you follow a quote with some like 'says' or 'replies', the quote ends in a comma. A person cannot just say. What did they say? So, you connect the description to the quote by using a comma.

"Hey, take it easy Bulbasaur. We don't mean you any harm," Marcus says to the angered seed Pokemon.

A period is only used if the following sentence does not refer the quote. Such as:

"Hey, take it easy Bulbasaur. We don't mean you any harm." Marcus raises his hand in a peaceful gesture toward the angered seed Pokemon.

Flocks of Pidgeys can be heard chirping playfully as they to are enjoying the new day.

In this case, you would want to use 'too'. 'To' is a preposition, and you would use it in a phrase like "to the store"; 'too' is an adverb, which "excessively" or "also".

I'll stop here. Your grammar in general is very nice. A simple Word program would be able to the petty mistakes.

Detail/Description: Really well done in this section. Everything was described nicely, and certainly acceptable for this level of writing. It was very simple, but effective; I could picture everything in my mind just fine and I think you do just fine here.

Length: You have less than half of the characters needed in order to reach the minimum of the expected goal. It's very important to at least meet the estimated requirement, especially if your plot is sub-par, and this is what has happened here. :oops: You really need to go back and double the length of this story, but that will be easier to achieve once you've extended your plot.

Battle: It was written very well. You gave Bulbasaur a fighting chance, even with its type weakness against Charmander. All of the attacks were described with nice detail, and reading it, the battle was much more anime related than two Pokemon taking turns to attack.

I think you should keep this just the way it is, but perhaps run it through Word to pick up some grammar issues, but for the most part, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Outcome: I'm sorry to say that for now, Bulbasaur is not captured. Your plot needs some improving. Think of something fun and original. And, the length issue really hurt you. Fix those two things and I think you have a fighting shot.

Let me know when you are ready for a regrade. :3

Mr M
05-20-2008, 06:20 PM
Ah well, now I know what I need to work on! ^-^
Thanks alot Emma! Since Bulbasaur hasn't been caught, I can come up with
better storylines later in the future!

With that said, I'll do better next time! :) On a side note..I always forget to seperate character dialogs between the actual storytelling. xD;
I'll try and remember to do that next time! Lol!

~Marcus~
"Peachy"