View Full Version : Sobbing Sandshrew
05-10-2008, 03:52 AM
The song of Swablus floated into the ears of a twelve year old female. Opening her light blue eyes, Sapphire looked at the sky. The sun was barely up, only peaking through the mountains near the forest she was in. Standing up, Sapphire tied her loose, dark brown hair with a light green hair tie. Patting sand dust of her dark blue shorts, Sapphire threw a red and white sphere into the sky. The Pokeball opened as a bright light sprang out. The light slowly developed the shape of a Butterfree before it died away. Sapphire caught the falling Pokeball before putting it away and allowing Petal, her newly evolved Butterfree to fly down to her.
"Petal, we're almost at Eterna City so maybe you can have a look around." Petal nodded before flapping her pure white wings with a black border and stripes. Petal pushed herself with her long, sea blue legs. The Butterfree had a dark purple body with two small hands which were also sea blue. Her red eyes which are on her purple head scanned the surrounding. Under the eyes was a oval, blue mouth with two teeth showing on both sides of the mouth. On Petal's head were two black antennas.
Petal looked ahead of where Sapphire was, and she could see the tall towers of Eterna City. Flying down, Petal used her tiny hands to point to the direction before the two continued forward. The forest around her was blooming with life. Pokemon were nesting high in the trees while others were burrowed low in the ground. The thick, brown trunks were rough and blocking the way while their branches and lush leaves also covered the sky but not completely. Within minutes, she could spot the bustling roads of her destination. She decided to rest for a night before continuing to travel to her hometown, Floaroma Town.
05-23-2008, 07:05 AM
Sapphire raced into the opening. Looking around, Sapphire spotted the Pokecenter to her left. Sprinting across, Sapphire entered the building. Holding the door open, Sapphire allowed Petal to enter before walking over the Nurse Joy at the desk. "May I have a room please?" Nurse Joy smiled and nodded before handing over a key. Thanking her, Sapphire walked out again to explore the city. As Sapphire walked around, a burnt house behind the shopping center in front of her caught her eyes. Walking curiously, she could see a Sandshrew. It was a brown shrew with a white underside and had lines over its back. The Sandshrew was standing a few steps from the burnt door. To her left, Sapphire could see a few builders talking. Out of curiosity, Sapphire listened to their conversation.
“We have to get the Sandshrew out of the way. This area is needed to build new houses, but the Sandshrew wouldn't even let us close to it. I guess we will have to defeat it in a battle and catch it. It will be helpful to dig up stones." The muscular worker wearing a green shirt paired with a green trouser walked over to the Sandshrew. His helper, Machop rushed in front of its owner to battle. It was a grey, human shaped Pokemon with a tail. On its head were three rows of brown crests lying downwards, the curve on the surface of the head. The Machop rushed forward with its two arms crossed, ready for a Cross Chop. As Machop closed in, Sandshrew leapt above his opponent before rows of multi colored stars shot out, slamming into its target. Machop held it head to defend itself. While it was occupied with the attack, Sandshrew landed onto the ground before curling into a ball and shot out at its opponent. Sandshrew smashed into Machop but after it slowed down and started to uncurl, Machop bent low and kicked the light brown shrew. Sandshrew was sent flying into the wall behind it. Despite the pain, Sandshrew jumped up high and curled into a ball and started to spin while he shot out a Swift attack. Stars were erupting from all around Sandshrew, creating a wheel of colorful stars. Machop tried to run away but the clever attack was too fast for him. Falling to the ground, Sandshrew slammed into Machop as he fell from the sky, defeating it.
Sapphire watched the fight before walking over to the owner of the Machop.
"Excuse me, but can you tell me why the Sandshrew is protecting this area?"
"Oh, the Sandshrew? Well, a few years ago, this house was caught on fire. The firefighters extinguished the fire but they were too late to save the owners of the house. The next day, the owner's relative came to bury their corpse but the child of them who was the friend of this Sandshrew could not be found. Since that day, Sandshrew was always guarding this house and standing in that area." Sapphire looked at the lonely Sandshrew before heading to the stores nearby to eat. The sun was already high in the sky.
05-24-2008, 01:48 AM
Sapphire shifted around on her Pokecenter bed, unable to fall asleep. The Sandshrew would always pop back into her head whenever she tried to forget about it. Pushing the blanket off, Sapphire changed into her normal clothing before walking outside towards the burnt house where the Sandshrew protects. The battle was somehow strange as well as the position of the Sandshrew. Sapphire held out her Pokeball which a white light came out off. As the light disappeared, Petal was flying in front of her. The two silently approached the house as the moonlight illuminated her sight. In moments, Sapphire arrived at the ominous house. Sandshrew was curled in a ball, asleep in front of the door, but uncurled and stood up at the sound of Sapphire's footsteps. Sapphire was determined to capture the Sandshrew to take it out of its misery of being alone.
"Petal, start out with a Supersonic!" Petal started to emit a horrible noise in an attempt to confuse Sandshrew, but he stuck his claws into his ear to block the sounds. As the noise stopped, Sandshrew jumped into the air and grabbed onto Petal's legs before it climbed onto her back and sent a Gyro Ball into Petal's back. Petal started to fall into the area in front of the door but Sandshrew rapidly jumped down and used Scratch to throw Petal to the side.
Sapphire watched the battle the reaction of Sandshrew just then puzzled her. Why would Sandshrew throw Petal away from the area in front of the door? Suddenly, Sapphire thought of a reason. Recalling the worker's words, her solution started to make sense. She needed one more piece of evidence for her solution to be true.
"Petal, use Silver Wind at the building." Petal flapped her white wings, causing silver winds to hit the building, demolishing the windows. Sandshrew stood rigid in front of the door, not caring about the breaking house behind him.
"Petal, use Psybeam on the place behind Sandshrew." Petal shot out purple beams at the ground behind Sandshrew. Just before it hit, Sandshrew threw himself into the attack, blocking the area.
Sapphire gasped, her reason was real. She remembered that the worker said that no one found the body of the boy. He also said that he was here to protect the house, but he didn't care when Petal attacked the house and Sandshrew was always guarding the ground behind him and taking any damage.
"Since the boy was his friend, Sandshrew buried him in front of the door and is guarding him." Sapphire whispered to herself. That must be the answer!
"Petal, use Sleep Powder." Petal beat her wings once again, causing blue powder to sprinkle towards Sandshrew, who easily dodged the attack and once again jumped and held onto Petal's legs.
"Now, use Bug Buzz followed by Sleep Powder!" Sapphire yelled. Petal flapped her broad wings, causing a loud and horrible noise. Sandshrew was unable to block his ears because he was holding onto Petal's legs and soon fell asleep as the blue powder affected him. Sandshrew's grip loosened and fell onto the ground. The impact woke him up again. Petal once again flapped her wings, creating silver winds to speed towards Sandshrew. Unable to escape, Sandshrew fired a Swift attack above the Silver Wind to damage his opponent before he was hit. Petal took the spinning stars before falling to the ground. The Silver Wind not only hurt Sandshrew but also revealed the hand of the dead boy. Petal wearily flew into the sky before Sandshrew leapt again with anger in his eyes but before he could reach her, Petal was rapidly beating her wings, causing a Gust attack. The small hurricane ripped Sandshrew high into the sky before dropping him down onto the ground, causing dust to fly everywhere. Once the dust decended, Petal flew above the opponent before creating yellow powder which floated onto their target, paralyzing him.
Sapphire took out a red and white sphere and threw it at Sandshrew as she whispered, "Sorry." The ball gently touched the head of the defeated Sandshrew and absorbed it into the round container with a red light. The Pokeball rocked repeatedly as Sandshrew tried to escape, trying to gain his freedom and to protect his friend.
06-12-2008, 08:08 PM
Sorry, this grade took longer than I'd anticipated.
Introduction: You start things off pretty plain, just by introducing Sapphire and telling what she looks like. This is important, true, but in the future, I suggest trying to start out with something that will draw in the reader a bit more, like an action of a quote, something more interesting. You described the setting pretty well, though, and you gave Sapphire and Petal’s purpose for being in the forest. I’d also like to see more about Sapphire’s past in future stories, but for this one in particular, it really wasn’t that important. Really, this section wasn’t too bad.
Plot: It’s a pretty good plot for just a simple Pokemon. The idea of a Pokemon still wanting to look after its deceased trainer is sweet, but just a little bit creepy. Especially when Petal’s attack exposed the dead boy’s hand. I don’t really have much advice for improving it here, because it’s pretty good already, but don’t forget, when you’re going for more difficult Pokemon, you’ll need a more complex and in depth plot.
Grammar: There were a lot of mistakes, but most of them were simple typos. Be sure to look over your story, or at least run it through some kind of spell check.
Patting sond dust of her dark blue shorts, Sapphire threw a red and white sphere into the sky.
I believe that should be 'sand' and 'off'.
Petal looked ahead of where Sapphire was and she could see the tall towers of Enterna City.
You probably meant 'Eterna', and there should be a comma after 'was' to make this a proper compound sentence.
Flying down, Petal used her tiny hands to point to the direction before the two continued forwards.
Since you're talking about two people going forward, you don't need the S at the end.
The thick, brown trunks were rough and blocking the way while their branches and lush leaves also covered the sky but not complety.
That should be 'completely'.
With in minutes, she could spot the bustling roads of her destination.
'With in' can actually be shortened to one word, 'within'.
She decided to rest for a night before continueing to travel to her hometown, Flourama Town.
The first should be 'continuing', and it's spelled 'Floaroma'. I wasn't sure on the spelling myself, though; I had to look it up on my Pearl game. ;
quoteAs Sapphire walked around, a burnt house behind the shopping center binfront/b of her caught her eyes./quote
That should be 'in front'.
" We have to get the Sandshrew out of the way.
You don't need that extra space before 'we' in the sentence.
This area is needed to build new houses but the Sandshrew wouldn't even let us close to it.
This sentence needs a comma after 'houses'.
His helper, Machop rushed infront of its owner to battle. It was a grey, human shaped Pokemon with a tail.
You need another comma after Machop to show that it describes what his helper was.
On its head were three rows of brown crests lying downwards, the carve on the surface of the head.
I think you mean 'curve' here.
Sandshrew smashed into Machop but after it slowed down and started to uncurl , Machop bent low and kick the light brown shrew.
You don't need the space before the comma after 'uncurl', and 'kick' should be 'kicked'.
Machop tried to run away but the clever attack was to fast for him.
'To' should be 'too'.
Since that day, Sandshrew was always guarding this house and standing int that area.
'Int' should be 'in'.
The Sandshrew would always pop back into her head whenever she tries to forget about it.
'Tries' should be 'tried'.
Sand shrew was curled in a ball, asleep infront of the door but uncurled ans stood up at the sound of Sapphire's footsteps.
'Sand shrew' should all be one word, 'infront' should be 'in front', and 'ans' should be 'and'. There should also be a comma after 'door' to make this a compound sentence.
"Petal start out with a Supersonic"
There needs to be some kind of ending punctuation here.
Petal started to emit a horrible noise in attempt to confuse Sandshrew but he stuck his claws into his ear to block the sounds.
There should be a comma after Sandshrew to make this a compound sentence. Also, there should be an 'an' after 'in'.
As the noise stopped, Sandshrew jumped into the air and grabbed onto Petal's legs before it climbed onto be back and sending a Gyro Ball into Petal's back.
That should be 'here' and 'sent'.
Sapphire watched the battle the reaction of Sandshrew just then puzzeled her.
This should be two sentences, with a period after 'battle'. Also, it should be 'puzzled'.
Recalling the worker's words, her solution started to make sence.
'Sence' should be 'sense'.
She needed one more evidence for her solution to be true.
You should put the words 'piece of' before 'evidence' for this to make sense.
"Petal, use Psybeam on the place behind Sandshrew"
This needs punctuation at the end.
Just before it had hit it, Sandshrew threw himself into the attack, blocking the area.
'Had' doesn't really need to be there.
She remembered that the worker said that no one found the body of the boy but also said that he was here to protect the house but her didn't care when Petal attack the house and Sandshrew was always guarding the ground behind him and taking any damage.
This is a run-on sentence, and needs to be divided into two. You should take out the 'but' after 'house' and put a period there instead. There also needs to be commas after the first 'but' and the 'and' to make the two sentences compound. 'Her' needs to be 'he', and 'attack' needs to be 'attacked'.
Petal beated her wings once again causing blue powder to sprinkle towards Sandshrew who easily dodged the attack and once again jumped and held onto Petal's legs.
There should be a comma after Sandshrew to divide the two parts of the sentence, and 'beated' should just be 'beat'.
Unable to escape, sandshrew fired a Swift attack above the Silver Wind to damage his opponent before he was hit.
'Sandshrew' should be capitalized.
The Silver wind not only hurt Sandshrew but also revealed the hand of the dead boy.
'Wind' should be capitalized since it's part of the name of the attack.
The ball gently touched the head of the defeated Sandshrew and asorbed it into the round container with a red light.
That should be 'absorbed'.
The Pokeball rocked repeatively as Sandshrew tried to escape, trying to gain his freedom and to protect his friend.
That should be 'repeatedly'.
Length: Meh, you’re fine here. It could have stood to be a bit longer, but it’s fine.
Detail/Description: You did go into some detail, and described all the characters fairly well, which is good. Yu even went back and described the Pokemon, which a lot of people often forget to do. However, after the beginning, you didn’t go into the setting much. You didn’t tell us what the Pokemon Center looked like, or the burnt building. It’s important to tell exactly what everything looks like. For example, how much of the building was burnt? Is the roof still intact? Stuff like that.
Also, you have a tendency to sometimes get a bit too wordy with your description, and use some of the same words twice. Make sure you read over your story and watch out for places like this.
Battle: Your battle had a lot of attacks exchanged, and took up a good part of the story. You also added in the setting some, when Petal attacked the house and then the ground outside of it. You added in a lot of action, too, especially on the Sandshrew’s part. However, I would have liked to see more description of the attacks. For example, every time Petal used Silver Wind, you described it simply as being ‘silver wind’. We could pretty much already tell that from the name of the attack. Try changing the words a bit. You could use a thesaurus if you need to, and call it something else, like a gray breeze. Also, be sure to include exactly how it effected Sandshrew; did the wind wrap around it? Was Sandshrew blown back? Be sure to include exactly how every attack was executed, and how it effected the opponent, to make the battle more interesting and fun o read. The trick is using enough description while still keeping the story moving quickly.
Outcome: Sandshrew not Captured! You got this outcome for one reason; for such a short story, there were a ton of mistakes. All I’m asking is that you go back and fix them, and I think this’ll be good enough for the capture. Whenever you get finished, just PM me, and I’ll happily regrade.
EDIT: There's still a few typos in there here and there, but it is a lot better than it was before, so Sandshrew Captured! One thing you really need to watch out for grammar wise that I forgot to point out more in the grade is compound sentences. That is when you have two sentences pushed together into one, using a conjunction like 'and', 'or', or 'but' and a comma to tie them together. For example:
Billy played with a ball and Sally played jump rope.
This is how most of your compound sentences are. To make them correct, you need to put in a comma before the 'and', 'or', or 'but'.
Billy played with a ball, and Sally played jump rope.
But, don't get these confused with a sentence with a compound subject or verb. If it's one person doing two things, or two people doing one thing, you don't have to put in the comma.
Keep the other things I mentioned in mind, too, but keep on writing!
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