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View Full Version : =+=+The magical world of Magikarp+=+=


NoobSlayerX3
05-11-2008, 04:36 AM
John Rowinowtzki was a middle-aged man with thick hair that was noticeably grayer every morning that he woke up. His father, Jesus of Magikarps, had a whole collection of Magikarps that he kept in a basement filled with water to make lemonade in the summer and hot chocolate in the winter. The basement smelled like mold had been building up since before John had been born. John asked his 153 year old father every day for a Magikarp as deep blue as the ocean for his own so he could start making the delicious lemonade that got its flavor from the magikarps that bathed in it. Every time that John asked, however, his father told him he would have to go out and catch one for himself. John now knew that that today was the day that he would find and capture a Magikarp for himself.
The sun was blazing and the sand scorched John’s feet as he walked by many men fishing on the beach. John had his Old Rod that had no real cool gizmos on it like some of the fishermen’s fishing rods. All that separated this rod from the rest was that it had a magikarp key chain dangling from the butt end of the handle. John’s psycho dad thought that this would bring good luck when fishing for the already common Magikarp. John had his rod over his right shoulder and a bag of slippery, slimy earthworms for bait in his left hand. John also came prepared with a shiny red Poke Ball on his waist and another ball on the other side of his waist that contained his precious Starly which was given to him on his tenth birthday bay his mom. She had curly red hair and always wore a dress with green flowers. Her dress and her hair didn’t necessarily match but she always had a way of sparking conversation and bringing a bright light to where there was gloom.
“Ha,” said John with bright eyes “that’s amazing!”
John had just seen a large group of Remoraids in the water that his pale feet were submerged in. John set up his pole attached an earthworm to the hook, put a bell on the line to tell him when he had a bite, and quickly fell asleep.
As John slumbered, he had one of his many dreams about his deceased mother. He imagined…
“JOHN! How could you do this twice after your father and I told you not to do it? We are very disappointed in you! Go to your room and think about what you’ve done!”
John did as he was told but, instead of thinking, cried because all he wanted to accomplish by driving his parents Lamborghini to his second grade class was impress his friends. John cried and cried until his father came in to yell at him some more.
“John, if I can’t trust you with a car in the drive way how can I trust you with the family Magikarp business?”
John thought about this then came up with a smart-ass reply.
“Well, once I’m old enough to take over the business I’ll probably have my drivers license and I’ll actually be allowed to drive!”
“Oh boy, John, now you’ve-
John was awakened by the jingling silver bell on his rod. He reached out to the rod, grabbed it by the handle and reel, and pulled with all the strength of his tinny muscles. He pulled then reeled the pulled then reeled about twenty times before he caught sight of his prize. He grabbed his Poke Ball and threw it into the air.
“GO STARLY!” John called in his masculine voice.
“STARLLLLYYY!” Starly said as it erupted from the red ball of captivity.
“Starly, hit him with peck!” John ordered Starly with a demanding yet kind voice. Starly’s beak glimmered as it shot toward the body of the Magikarp. Magikarp sloshed around in the water, merely dampening Starlys feathery exterior. Starly dive bombed Magikarp, gouging a hole in its scales that now started to ooze a red substance.
“Starly, Starly! That’s enough now. Return to your Poke Ball now, if you would?” John asked Starly. Starly did as he was told and was engulfed by the red light that returned it to its capsule. John now took out his second Poke Ball and kissed it for good luck.
“This is for you mom” he thought as he tossed the Glimmering ball toward the weakened Magikarp. The ball proceeded to wiggle once, twice…

NoobSlayerX3
05-11-2008, 04:37 AM
desired pokemon: Magikarp
without spaces count: 3287
With spaces count: 4093

why wont the paragraphs indent?

Phantom Kat
05-17-2008, 05:35 AM
Sorry for the wait, dentist appointment. ><

Plot: John is the son of a man who runs a Magikarp business that makes both lemonade and chocolate. Every time the child asks for a Magikarp, he is refused and is told to go catch one of his own. Finally, he listens and goes out fishing. After a short slumber, he awakes and battles a Magikarp.

It was simple and straightforward, but you don’t need more than that for a Magikarp. The plot was better than some of the Magikarp stories around here, so congrats on that. Just elaborate more of the details in the story because if you don’t, the story will seem too random. Elaboration and explanation is what keeps readers from getting lost and what helps the plot move along.

Introduction: It was to the point, and, like I said above, you don’t need much more than that for an Easiest Pokemon. Like the plot, you just need to elaborate more. Who was John? How did his dad get into the Magikarp business? Also, description is also key in the introductions. You described Jesus (somewhat) but not John. You described the basement but not the house nor the town they live in. Just take your time to include everything you think is important to know in your introduction, try not to leave anything unsaid. This are is so that we can get to know the characters and their surroundings so that as the story progresses, we can understand as to why they did what they did.

Grammar/Spelling: This was good, you know your grammar. There are, however, multiple mistakes I picked up:

John Rowinowtzki was a middle-aged man with thick hair that was noticeably grayer every morning that he woke up.

You don’t need “that”.

John also came prepared with a shiny red Poke Ball on his waist and another ball on the other side of his waist that contained his precious Starly, which was given to him on his tenth birthday bay his mom.

You need a comma here.

John did as he was told but, instead of thinking, cried because all he wanted to accomplish by driving his parents Lamborghini to his second grade class was impress his friends.

I think you missed something in this sentence, like some kind of phrase, because it doesn’t sound right.

He reached out to the rod, grabbed it by the handle and reel, and pulled with all the strength of his tinny muscles.

Just one “n”.

“This is for you mom,” he thought as he tossed the Glimmering ball toward the weakened Magikarp.

You need a comma and the “g” in “glimmering” is not supposed to be capitalized.

I also saw missing commas and periods in your story. Make sure to proofread through your story well to pick all of these mistakes.

Also, if you hit “Enter” one more time when you separating paragraphs, the story will be easier to read because it will be less bunched up.

Oh, and indents don’t work in posts. D=

Length: Good enough, nice job.

Description/Detail: You has some description words here and there, it was a bit better than your last story. You’re probably getting tired of me saying this, but all you need to elaborate. Instead of just saying Jesus had a gray hair, you can elaborate by telling us how his face looks like, his body, the clothes he wear, etc. The same with his house. You mentioned how his basement is like now just elaborate to tell us how his house looks like. This is VERY important if you want to catch harder Pokemon than Magikarp, you need to improve on your description for your next stories. Reading other stories will help you to know approximately how much description you need in your stories so read some URPG stories when you have the chance.

Battle: Well, there wasn’t really one. Magikarp didn’t even seem to try and attack the bird that was injuring him. Next time, make sure to make the battle two sided and even, no matter what Pokemon you are going for be it a Caterpie or a Milotic. Pokemon can do so many things other than just their attacks like jump, tackle, bite, etc. Keep that in mind.

Outcome: Despite the fact that there was really no battle, it is for a Magikarp and I’m seeing improvement from your first story which means you’re actually paying attention to the grade (that makes me happy ^^) so: Magikarp captured! Remember to elaborate on everything from the plot to the description. Also, no matter what Pokemon you are battling, you want to make the battle two sided and exciting. Have fun! ^^

- Kat

NoobSlayerX3
05-17-2008, 02:48 PM
ok = ) Yes i do pay attention to grades lol. Im glad I captured this poké and im glad you enjoyed the story!