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Pokemon Trainer Sarah
05-11-2008, 07:46 AM
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v669/pokemontrainersarah/stolen.png

Note: There are Aussie spellings in this story [=

You walk out of the red-roofed building and enter the warm sunlight. A picture of calming beauty fills your eyes: the sun setting over the peaks of Rock Tunnel, its brilliant rays lighting up the sky with pinks and purples. Behind you, the Pokemon Center lays in shadow, its glass doors open invitingly to any person who may be passing this late in the afternoon.

You begin the slow journey toward the entrance of the tunnel, deciding that travelling by night is preferable to waiting until tomorrow, after all, it will be dark inside no matter what, and a Pokemon Trainer like you has no time to waste waiting for the sun.

You keep your eyes peeled as you walk, your pupils darting left and right as you scan the path you are travelling for any kind of Pokemon. This is the time when most will be returning to their nests, and the nocturnal creatures will awaken to claim the night: the inbetween time where Pokemon are easier to hear, but harder to spot in the dying light.

You continue your walk in silence, allowing the rhythm of the evening to control your steps, your senses heightened to any movement around you. Both sides of the route are lined with great oaks, their oranging leaves reminding you that autumn has just arrived. A chilly blast of wind brings with it the fresh aromas of summer flowers, their days numbered as the frosty mornings begin to set in. Though their scents fill your nostrils, you have no time to admire their beauty. Automatically, your feet have frozen, and your body is reduced to silence as you hear the call of a Pokemon through the undergrowth. Straining your ears, you turn, trying to distinguish the strange wail from the calls of Noctowl and Murkrow that now thunder overhead.

Your pulse rises with excitement as you spot the red blur between the bushes. A flash of silver, a yellow beak. Your instincts send your hand toward the Pokeballs on your belt. You know each place by heart, and so it is without looking that you choose your combatant for this afternoon.

A flash of crimson heralds the arrival of your newest companion, his innocence unbroken as he stands before you, a mere puppy expected to hold his own against your opponent, no matter who or what they are. Though his presence is Dark, and his black coat and skull markings less than inviting, his auburn eyes break his demonic appearance, their peppy wamth something that will eventually be extinguished when his spirit is hardened by battle.

For now, however, your focus is not on the Pokemon that you have already stolen, but on the one who is hiding, crouched in the bushes, fighting all-consuming fear which makes it impossible for her to run. It is now when your skills are put to the test, the ability to control the beast before you in your quest for eternal glory. Without another thought you make your command, ordering the Houndour to lunge into the Pecha Bush and retrieve the terrified Pokemon from inside her fortress.

The dog dives in, his loyalty set, and his sharp silver fangs close in on your target's leg. The Houndour bursts backwards, his powerful hind legs kicking up dust as he drags the whimpering baby from her nest. Finally out in the open, you command the hound to release his prey and look upon your prize with delight: a newborn Magby, looking up at you in terror, her body heaving with echoing sobs as she clutches her leg, now streaked with blood.

The young Fire-type turns toward your Pokemon, her brown eyes pleading as a moment passes between the two combatants. Sorrow fills the Dark-type's heart; not even a wild Pokemon would hunt a child. But this moment of softness between enemies does not even catch your attention. Instead your mind is focused on the impending fight.

You call your first move, and your hound snaps to attention, the white straps across his back glinting in the dying light. He releases a Dark Pulse attack, the purple energy flowing from his veins and filling every space around him with shadowy light.

The Magby is hit, her small body forced backwards along the ground until she is left much where she started: lying in the dust. It seems the attack has somehow woken her, however, as she abandons the crying baby facade, and gingerly gets to her feet before opening her duck-like bill and releasing an inferno of hot ashes, which consume your Pokemon in blazing light.

As her rush of energy runs out and the flames die down, your Houndour shakes the last embers from his coat and jumps back into the arena. Type matchup has blessed him here, and the only remnants of Magby's attack are the scorch marks on his muzzle.

You are impressed by her firepower, but once again it is only this you see; not a child fighting for her freedom, but a tool that you can use on your quest. You call out your next move, even more determined now, that the Magby's skills are to become your own.

This time when your Pokemon opens his mouth, your opponent is met with a rush of noxious gas, which creates a haze over the battlefield. The Smog attack burns her throat, but you feel no guilt for the pain you are inflicting. When the black smoke clears she is left spluttering on the ground, her eyes watering from the aftertaste of the attack.

Not allowing her a moment to regain composure, you command your Pokemon once more, this time for a direct attack. The Magby only has time to freeze in terror as the dog bounds forward to clamp his sharp fangs onto her arm. As the Bite attack connects she lets out a wail of pain which pierces your eardrums and forces the Dark-type to release her. The Screech attack has taken you by surprise, but you can see the weakness in her eyes as she winces, clutching her bleeding arm to her chest.

Before you can make another command, she takes matters into her own hands and releases another burning stream of fire at your Pokemon. As the attack nears Houndour, you decide to put the Dark-type to the test. As you order, the hound opens his jaws wide and releases an orb of pulsing purple energy. The Shadowball connects with the Flamethrower, carving a path through the flames and causing them to dissipate in its wake. The Ghost-type attack slams into the Magby, knocking her backwards and off her feet where she lays unmoving, the flame burning inside of her finally extinguished.

Houndour crouches down next to the fallen Pokemon, his paw inches from the baby's face, his heart heavy with the knowledge of the pain he has inflicted. I'm sorry, the silent apology hangs between them as the tiny Pokemon closes her eyes. But once again, all this passes under your notice. You have conquered your prize, no matter how small, and now it is time to claim her, not as a partner or as an equal, but as another addition to your collection.

You release a red and white orb and wait in silence as the capture tool consumes the Magby.

What will the Pokemon's mother think, when she returns to her nest to find her child missing? Is it right to take a child's freedom in return for a place in a lonely PC box? Is the thrill of battle that will be programmed into her worth the pain of leaving everything she knows behind?

But none of these thoughts enter your mind as you watch the orb rock on the ground.

Because she is a Pokemon.

And you are a Trainer.

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Going for: Magby
Characters Required: 5-10k
Total Characters: 7,221

Mitsuzo-kun
05-11-2008, 10:38 AM
Why do all your stories have amazing banners? ;___;

But yeah. This looks pretty darn good, so dibs.

^^

Mitsuzo-kun
05-11-2008, 12:27 PM
Story

Leaving the Pokemon Center, I travel by night outside Rock Tunnel. Looking for a Pokemon in the dark, I hear a rustle and send Houndour to retrieve the Magby for a battle and capture.

One could say this was rather bland, but it had a very dark feeling to it. Yes, it was basic in a sense, but it was full of emotion, description, and personality. I'd much rather you expanded on what I was doing there and what my incentive was to harm such a cruel Magby besides "collecting" it, as to give my presence more of a purposes instead of being slightly random. Where had I come from? Why was I travelling this way? Adding information like that gives more depth to the character and can help the reader understand their actions and relate to them better.

Beside being a little random and basic, this was a rather good story xD. I loved how it was in present tense and how you told it as the reader was the character. I actually felt like I was there doing it, and that's an accomplishment. Sorry if I sounded a little harsh above, but I really did like love this story. I just wish it had a bit more of a background to it.

Grammar

Wow. VERY good. Present tense is always tricky, so good job here. I did see you overuse those colons a bit, so just be aware of that. There was nothing else I noticed. At all. Good job as always. ^^

Length

7k is a good place to have it. I'd tell you about the quality > quantity thing, but you know this and you've put it into practice here. (:

Description

This was vivid, implicit, and just amazing. The scenery was well described, I could see everything clearly, and you use some interesting words that sounded smart :P. This was so hard to critique, hence why this is short. I guess one thing you could do a bit better is easing up on the descriptions in certain places. It seemed a bit too vivid, you know? But still, this was incredibly well done.

Battle

Like wow. This was like half of the story. Long, descriptive... Looks good to me. (:

The only thing I can nit-pick about is that Magby could've gotten a few more hits IMO. Houndour seemed a little overpowered in this with the Smog, Dark Pulse, Shadow etc, and little Magby hardly scaped the dog. The use of Flamethrower was a little repetitive honestly, and Magby has lots of other attacks. Smokescreen and Confuse Ray really would've evened up the battle. I can understand Magby not using TM moves, but you could even include egg moves since it just hatched. I did see a Screech, so good. ^^

Outcome

Yes, I sounded a little mean in areas, but this was so hard to find faults with. I'm sorry for the short grade, hopefully this will make up for it: Magby Captured!

Tips For Next Time

- Add background to characters and reasons for their presence
- Tone down description in some areas
- Keep up the amazing work

You make my job so hard. Dx