View Full Version : Night of Distress: A Trainer's passion!
05-11-2008, 08:02 PM
PrologueCharacters(No spaces): 2,178
A wind, it all started with the peculiar wind one day. Keith is our main character of this epic story who has participated in numerous Pokémon Contests and Gym battles in his day. He’s an average teenager in his mid-teens who has moderately curly hair, piercings on his left and right ear, a tattoo on his right biceps, and trimmed sideburns. His long enduring Pokémon journey started two years ago in a serene environment known as Cerulean City. After his parents had a divorce, him and his mother moved to a relaxing neighborhood situated in the heart of Petalburg City. And one day our daring hero decided to leave the house in search for more Pokémon. After he finished brushing his hair he says his short farewell to his mother and joyously exited the house. After he closed the door and stepped onto the front porch, an ominous wind blew from the east side of him. This didn’t feel like an ordinary wind to our hero. Keith is not the sort of guy who doesn't like investigations. Remembering his favorite past time, Scooby-Doo, he found inspiration from Freddy's bravery and decided to find the source of the wind for the heck of it. Who knew Scooby-Doo would initiate yet another journey for Keith? So out he went towards Lakeview Avenue, on the east side of his house. Running at top speed with his track shoes that he never took off from track, his North Pole backpack, white t-shirt and red vest, he finds himself near an intersection of fast-moving cars speeding to get home. Almost the same as bees in a hive. The adrenaline had rushed to every bone of his body, all of his senses had been piqued by the time he crossed an intersection. After patiently waiting for traffic to clear, he sent Electivire out. The light finally turned green and they started their journey again.
Several minutes later, they came across to what seemed to be an abandoned mansion, which so happened to be twelve minutes away from his house. The mansion gave off a purple aura. Outside of the fence, there was some writing on a white, beaten down sign: “A wind from the shadows whisper. The blowing of the ominous wind signals the arrival of Spi… ” The rest of the words have faded over the years. Thinking twice about entering, he pondered for a brief moment whether or not to proceed. The exterior of the mansion had green slime oozing from the sides of it. A balcony from what appeared to be the seventh-floor and much more. This mansion was colossus and appeared to be like a sore thumb in the midst of the forest.
He finally decided to enter and clinched on to his lucky key chain his great grandmother gave to him for his fifteenth birthday last month. Keith and his courageous Electivire both entered the mansion. On the first floor we came across several doors with a dim-lighted room. Spider webs, nooses, and blood stains on the wallpaper in the hallway made this place more unenjoyable. Our young hero tried his best to ignore the outrageously horrifying interior and moved on. The two of them kept their speedy pace and begun to explore its seven floors. Once they reached the 7th floor, they looked to their right and left. Keith started to consider that this trip was a waste of time. He turned around and took ten steps towards the staircase. Suddenly an ominous Pokémon floated through the floor and appeared dead smack in their face. With enormous astonishment, he leaped back and leaned against a nearby wall.
He took out his Pokédex and pointed it towards the bizarre Pokémon: “Spiritomb, the Forbidden Pokémon. Spiritomb was sealed in an odd keystone 500 years ago for his misdeeds. ‘Til this day, it haunts cities, trainers and Pokémon in an act to find the trainer responsible for sealing it up.” With little thinking, Keith knew what had to be done. He was going to catch Spiritomb and have his powers in his possession. He commanded Electivire to do the job. Having seen this Pokémon, Keith now had his eyes set on a new ambition.
Prologue is in 3rd person POV
05-11-2008, 08:19 PM
"Fight to the Death Pt. 1"
Targeted Pokémon: Spiritomb
Story range: 30 - 40k
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There was a large break of epic silence going on in the room. So much suspense filled the air as we all stood there. I didn't know whether to go on with it, but I just couldn't resist the vibe I felt within me urging me to go on. “Electivire, use Thunder Punch!” I shouted, as my body started to quiver from the intense vibe I felt even before the start of the battle.
With enormous strength and agility, the golden sun-skinned beast attacked the ghouly, hallow, Spiritomb. With his devastating power, his right fist became surrounded in a series of volts. As Electivire launched in for his attack, Spiritomb levitated to a higher distance in the abandoned, seven-story mansion and evaded Electivire’s attack. Without an order, Electivire used Thunderbolt and it comes in contact with the wild Spiritomb. Spiritomb was directly hit and injured from the volts. It fell from the sky and dropped on the ground.
“Now, Electivire. I want you to use Agility and then follow up with Thunderpunch once more!”
Electivire begun to create illusionary copies of himself, and his speed was increased. He then made a second attempt at Thunderpunch. Charging up his power, he ran at top speed towards Spiritomb as it lay there on the floor. At the last second, Spiritomb used Sucker Punch. Electivire was knocked down after being inflicted. The wild Spiritomb rose to the ceiling and then it started to absorb energy from the shadows and used Shadow Ball.
“Electivire, hurry and get up. Then jump onto that ledge towards your right to evade his upcoming attack! After you’ve successfully evaded Shadow Ball, I want you to twirl you two tails around and try send the upcoming smoke out of that nearby window!” I yelled.
Electivire hurdled over many-shattered glass on the floor and jumped out of the way in the break of time. The Shadow Ball missed and out came a rising, dark grayish smoke that shrouded the area for a couple of moments from the impact of the blast. As the smoke began to rise, Electivire twirled his two black tails and sent the smoke towards the window. And out went the cloud of smoke into the atmosphere.
“Now, Electivire. Return!” I then reached into my deep pocket and pulled out a shiny, ruby red Pokéball and Electivire was vacuumed back in. Looking at my onyx-colored belt, I thought about which Pokémon to take out next. After thinking for a brief second, I took out the Pokéball to my right, looked up, and launched the sphere. Out came my newest Pokémon that I caught in Frost Valley about eleven days ago. “Come on out, Weavile!” I shouted with immense passion.
A bright teal-ish color streak of light emerged along with the dark, sleek Weavile. With a surplus amount of power, a sleek body shape and a determined look, this Weavile was like no other. Weavile, started to stare down Spiritomb, while he impatiently waited for my next order.
“Now, Weavile. Use Ice Punch!”
Weavile’s hand to turned into a sky blue color. Weavile leaped in a blink of an eye and appeared by the rather large chandelier, which was dangling by a very small wire signaling how damaged and old it was. Weavile stood on top of the chandelier and charged towards Spiritomb. Almost within range, the horrific Spiritomb began to shine.
“What form of trickery is this?” I questioned as I started to gaze towards the ceiling, which was starting to fade away. “This… This can’t be… The more power Spiritomb gained, the more our world fell apart…”
Spiritomb’s body, now shrouded in a bright, yellow-ish color, swooped down and used Giga Impact!
Weavile kept on with his Ice Punch and Spiritomb evaded his move at the last second. Missing the attack, Weavile flew dead smack into the wall and a two foot dent was engraved into it. I ran towards Weavile as soon as I was could and tried to aid him before anything else could get much worse – which at the time I thought was virtually impossible. The mysterious Spiritomb continued on with its deadly attack and directly charged towards the two of us before we even had the chance to recuperate. Weavile and I were in too much fright for words or actions and just stayed on the moist, creaking floor. Spiritomb was less than ten feet away, I clinched onto Weavile in a desperate attempt to protect him from what would seem like disaster. Closer and closer Spiritomb came. Finally, within range, the Spiritomb received the chance it had to finish us off.
“Weavile, hurry and use Ice Beam,” I whispered into his ear.
Weavile opened his eyes and used Ice Beam to afflict Spiritomb as well. The Ice Beam hit it but barely affected it whatsoever. After the Ice Beam failed, Spiritomb continued on with his Giga Impact and knocked the two of us away towards the stairs leading to the balcony. By the amount of bruises we had, it felt and looked as though someone threw a suitcase of bricks at us from the top of a two-story house. I felt very, very faint. I opened my eyes a few moments after the impact. At first, all I saw were black spirits that floated around the two of us… It was hard to tell since my vision was blurred. Then I looked towards my top left and saw Spiritomb laughing, as both Weavile and I were laying here defenseless. The light in the hallway began to fade…
05-17-2008, 12:46 AM
Chapter 2 "Night in the Hospital"
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I opened my eyes. At first my vision was very blurry, I wasn’t able to even tell where I was. All I saw was a dazzling light behind the two shady characters.
“He’s awake, Nurse Joy!” Kevin, a young adult, assisted Nurse Joy in her Pokémon Center. He wore his brown Timberland boots, brown Polo shirt, and dark navy blue pants. His crystal blue eyes opened up in a joyous reaction when he saw Keith wake up. After momentarily shouting in extreme excitement, he gazed down towards his pocket watch in rememberance of his father.
“That’s very splendid, Kevin. Thank you so much for assisting me with this young trainer’s aid. And you mustn't look at your father's pocket watch every day, now do you? Thriving in the past won't help you go further into the future.” Nurse Joy responded back with a kind smile on her face. The birth mark towards her left eye signaled the significant differences between the many other Nurse Joys. This one even had dark red highlights in her hair... Very peculiar I figured.
I rubbed my eyes and my vision became a bit clear. After a few seconds later, my eyes were able to see completely. I began to examine the room and saw the two characters once more. My mind couldn’t exactly figure out who they were at the moment. I took a quick glimpse of the room from left to right and I couldn’t believe my eyes…
“Am… Am I in the Pokémon Center?” I asked while looking at the two mysterious characters. It was too difficult to see since the light was behind them blocking their faces.
“Why yes you are, sir. This is Petalburg's very own Pokémon Center. There's nothing around but trees, mountains and roads leading to the city. This young man to my right saved you from an unknown area towards the Northeast of Petalburg City. According to several Officer Jennys you’ve been there for days. It looks like you’ve been bruised from some strange Pokémon. Is this true, sir?” Nurse Joy asked politely.
“Yes. But my head is still aching slightly towards the left of my head, so my story may be a bit off.”
“It’s alright, please go on so we can further investigate the case.”
“Alright, well it started once I felt some strange presence from an unknown source when I left my house. I then followed where the wind was blowing from and it led me to some ominous mansion that seemed to have been abandoned for quite some time. So we went in and came across some Pokémon that was made of pure malevolence—“ Before I was able to finish, Nurse Joy interrupted in the middle of the story.
“Oh my! That Pokémon sounds vaguely familiar. Did it happen to be attached to a keystone?”
“Yes, yes it did. How did you know?” I was feeling quite bewildered on the whole situation. Maybe my head hasn’t adjusted its focus yet.
“Well a few years ago, many trainers like you have been victims of this Pokémon. It has been a while since an injury like yours has happened, however. If I remember correctly, its name is Spiritomb. He has plagued many areas around that mansion every time he reappeared.”
“Oh my! Where is he?” I started to question her.
“Where… is who, sir?” Nurse Joy asked in return.
“Where is my Weavile? I knew that I was in a battle against Spiritomb when I brought Weavile to the front lines. I remember seeing some huge ball flying towards us, and then everything after that is just a big blur.” Nurse Joy started to look at me with a puzzled expression. She then shifted her attention towards Kevin.
“Kevin, please tell this young man how you found him and if you saw anything else while you were searching the mansion’s premises.” Nurse Joy kindly asked.
“Sure, Nurse Joy. Alright, here’s how it went. I went on a search for the new Pokémon. So my Manectric and I went for a little jog. I didn’t feel like taking a long route, so we turned and went through Petalburg’s woods. As I continued on with my jog, along with my Manectric, we both came to a halt and saw a gigantic mansion towards our right. We then agreed to go inside and explore for new Pokémon there. We came across some Gastlys and Haunters, but didn’t make an attempt to capture them. After thoroughly examining the first six floors we found a hidden staircase overflowing with cobwebs. So we took it and found ourselves on the seventh floor. We saw a body-shaped figure on the opposite end of the hallway and raced towards it. While running, we came across several fresh dents on the wall, but we both bypassing them. We then started to see that it was a trainer. So I bent down to pick you up. After I picked you up, you opened your eyes and mouth in an attempt to tell me something. You told me to save your Pokémon, but fainted before you were able to explain to me exactly what I had to save.”
“HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN OUT?!” I asked in a very irritated tone.
“Sir, please calm down before anything else happens to you,” Nurse Joy replied.
“Sorry, ma’am. Please answer the question, though.” I said, with a slightly calmer tone.
“Well, you’ve been out for about two weeks. It took a lot of care and medication to heal your wounds. Whatever battle move Spiritomb inflicted upon you has caused you some damage towards your upper chest area.” She said while looking at the papers showing how much I progressed since day one in this Pokémon Center.
“But… Where has Weavile disappeared to?”
“Well, when Kevin went to the mansion, he didn’t see anything but you. He called Officer Jenny and they gave you a ride here. After they dropped you off, they went back and did thorough investigation while we took good care of you. By the sounds of your epidemic, Spiritomb must've Pokénapped your Weavile. Spiritomb has been known for doing deeds such as these. There's not really a purpose behind it doing so, but it sure does find pleasure in draining their energy.”
I got up and almost fell right back down. It felt as though I hadn’t used a bone in my body in years. Nurse Joy stepped in front of me and paused me in my tracks.
“Where do you think you’re going, sir?”
“Well, you said you couldn’t find Weavile, right? I know Weavile has to be there somewhere, so I’m going to go and search for him myself. Electivire and I will use every bone in our body to get Weavile back. This means that Electivire and I will need at least two hours of training before our second battle. I was thinking of training near Spiritomb’s lair,” I said as my confidence began to assemble together.
“Well, as much as I want to stop you, I won’t. You have so much passion for your Weavile, so I’ve decided to let you go. But I’ll be sending Kevin to come along with you. That is… If it’s alright with you, Kevin.”
“Sure, Nurse Joy. I’ll be glad to aid him and help him with his training.” Kevin stated. I looked at both Kevin and Nurse Joy after they said their generous statements.
“I sincerely thank you both for your kind decisions. If you may, I think it’s time for us to be on our way, Kevin.”
“Of course, Keith. I fully understand. Keith and Kevin, if anything happens, please don’t hesitate to call Officer Jenny and I.”
Kevin and I both nodded our heads and we were on our way to the woods.
05-17-2008, 12:57 AM
"Training in the Woods"
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We stepped out, and it was a beautiful, sunny day. Only noon, and the sun was directly above us with a glistening glow down to earth.
“Wait. Let me take Arcanine out. He can help us travel at a much quicker pace,” Kevin said as he placed his attention directly towards his navy blue Ultra Ball. He chucked his Ultra Ball towards the ground in front of us. Out came intense heat and flames along with the very large Arcanine. He’s as big, majestic, and regal as all the stories my Aunt read to me as a young boy many years ago stated. Standing on his hind legs, at about six feet tall. By the looks of his fur, you can automatically tell how well he’s been bred and raised.
“Ah, very nice, Kevin. You’ve raised Arcanine with a lot of love.”
“Thanks a lot, man. But let’s head on out now. We don’t want to squander any more time around here.” The two jumped on to the back of Kevin’s loyal Arcanine. The Arcanine made a thunderous roar that could’ve been heard a mile away. Arcanine sped off and we made it to the woods. On the way there, we came across lakes, towering trees, and many mysterious Bug-type Pokémon speeding from tree to tree in search for food. In under thirty-minutes, we were there.
“Wow that was pretty quick. Thanks a lot, Arcanine,” I showed my deepest gratitude towards the two of them. But I couldn’t forget the sole purpose of the journey we took to this area of the woods. I sent Electivire back out for a third time.
“Come on out, Electivire!” I shouted as I had a small smirk on my mouth from the excitement I felt about getting Weavile back.
“Vire!” Electivire shouted as he made his appearance.
“Alright, Electivire. Let’s get to work. You, Kevin, Arcanine and I will all be doing some training for a couple of hours. So let’s go to that small, excluded portion of the woods and begin charging your power. I’ll tell you the rest from there on out.” Electivire and I both ran towards our training ground following with Kevin and Arcanine on our tail following.
“Alright, Keith. Don’t you concern about us. We’ll be going to a different section and doing our own special training. So just continue on with yours. We’ll see the two of you in a few,” Kevin said as he made his departure. After listening to what he said, I nodded and kept on going. We finally made it to our destination.
“Electivire, listen carefully. I want you to charge your electrical energy and transport all of your stored energy to your fists. After that, I want you to prepare your Thunderpunch and thrust your huge fists towards that gargantuan boulder over there near that misty lake.”
“Vire, Vi!” Electivire shouted as his body began to glow. Electivire finished charging and started to direct his energy to his fists. After the task was accomplished, Electivire charged at the boulder with immense power and determination. In arm’s reach, he pulled his arm back and rammed his fist at it with full power and disintegrated the boulder to little, bit-sized pieces.
“Great job, Electivire. I’m really impressed on how much you’ve been improving ever since I first met you as an Elekid. Now it’s time for Course two. Climb up that large hill and jump down. While in air, use Ice Beam on that waterfall and freeze it solid. This procedure will enhance your aiming skills, ” I said.
Electivire climbed up the hill and was at the top in one minute flat. Once at the top, he jumped down and was halfway to the stream below him. Switching his focus to the waterfall to his left, he charges his Ice Beam up. The icy, blue blast shot out of Electivire’s mouth and it hit the top of the waterfall. Freezing the waterfall, water from the stream stopped flowing.
“Great job, Electivire. I’m impressed at how well your aim is. Now, let’s unfreeze that waterfall. Use Flamethrower and melt that large chunk of ice.”
Opening his mouth, his mouth turned red as fiery-hot flames launched from his stomach and straight towards the frozen waterfall. The enormous waterfall thawed out on contact.
“Alright, Electivire. I think that’s enough training.”
As I finished saying that, I took some time to think that maybe I should’ve sent Electivire to fight that Spiritomb. I mean I did catch Weavile a few days before we fought it. I looked down at the ground feeling guilty.
“It’s truly all my fault, Electivire. Maybe I should’ve been more protective and trained Weavile before fighting something as dangerous as Spiritomb. Well, the past is the past. Let’s just focus our attention on getting Weavile back,” I told Electivire as we both stood there waiting for Kevin’s arrival. After talking, relaxing and training a bit more, our time was up. Kevin came running up to us with his Arcanine right behind his trail.
“Alright, Keith. I hope you two had enough time to get as much training as you needed. Let’s find the mansion and find Spiritomb.” I thought about what he said and nodded my head. All four of us ran towards the mansion. On our way there we saw trees that were toppled over and large desolate areas that had small fires. It was only obvious to me that these were the doings of Spiritomb. I had no time to stop and examine the premises. So we kept on running to the mansion. After long amounts of running, we finally came across the large mansion in only a few minutes or so. After jumping off of Arcanine, Kevin called him back.
“Thanks a whole bunch, Arcanine. You helped us out big time. Now it’s time for you to take a long rest,” Kevin said as he pulled Arcanine’s Pokéball out, which was decorated with numerous markings you see in Pokémon Contests. Arcanine was sucked into the pull of the sphere and the ball closed shut.
05-17-2008, 01:06 AM
"Spiritomb, where are you?"
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We approached the front door of the mansion and entered the front doors of the mansion with caution. We were fully aware of Spiritomb’s past and knew he would do something to make a fool out of us.
“If I remember correctly, Kevin, Electivire and I spotted him on the seventh floor of this mansion. Maybe we should go directly there.”
“Maybe that wouldn’t be a brilliant idea. We should fully examine the place and maybe we could find some traces of your missing Weavile.” All four of them ran in scattered areas. Arcanine and Kevin went to search the left side of the mansion and Electivire and I took care of the right. Up and down the stairs, in and out of rooms, but still no clue. We searched for Kevin and Arcanine but came across a painting in the middle of the third floor’s hallway. That painting wasn’t here the last time we arrived I thought. I knocked on the painting and it felt very hallow. An idea popped in my mind and I looked at Electivire.
“Electivire, use Cross Chop on the painting!”
Electivire folded his arms into an x-shaped form and they began to glow in a white color. Electivire ran and slammed his muscular arms against the painting. The impact of the attack broke the painting into pieces and flew in two separate directions. There was a golden skull key located behind the painting. I was in awe seeing this, but I remembered that there was a locked door on the second floor. I told the others and we all went down the flight of stairs and made it there. I stuck the key into the keyhole, and the door lit up for a brief second; my eyes were dazzled.
“What… What is this? This wasn’t here the last time I came,” I told Kevin.
“Neither was it here the last time I came. But it looks like a chamber to me. There are many locks, chains and coffins everywhere. There’s no doubt that this is where Spiritomb dwells about and transports itself from our world to its world.” Kevin said in response. We all entered the chamber that was lit by four different lights in the four corners of the room. The candles seemed to give off a dim-lighted green shine and it barely shed light to the entire room. We all entered at our own risk and slowly took our steps carefully. After a few steps inside of the chamber, we suddenly heard the door behind us slam!
“What the hell was that?” We both bursted out simultaneously. I looked to my left and then to my right. And to our misfortune, we heard a demonic laughter in our presence. I saw a large spirit floating in one area of the room and then disappeared. Then he popped up in the next area and so on.
“Spiritomb, come out now! I know that has to be you. Show some backbone and give me all you got! I want my Weavile back immediately.” Although I said that, I had no intentions of backing up my tough talk. I shifted my attention towards the source of the light in the room and saw Weavile tied up in the corner over there — Along with a few other unconscious Pokémon.
“Weavile, I’m coming for you!” I ran towards him and saw him tied up in a rope made of shadows. I grabbed the flashlight that was in my backpack and flashed the light at the shadows. The shadows disintegrated and Weavile was finally set free. “Weavile, Weavile. Please wake up!” I shook him as I kept on yelling.
Weavile opened his eyes and peered straight at me as silence was set still in the room.
“Weavile, are…you alright?" I said in a monotonous tone.
Weavile nodded his head and shifted his attention elsewhere. I wondered what or where he was looking at, and turned my head as well. To all of our surprise, Spiritomb appeared into the room and began to focus its attention at only us two rather than Kevin and Arcanine as well. I knew it had unfinished business to take care of. Maybe, just maybe, I resembled the guy who sealed it into the keystone and imprisoned it into the Hallowed Tower 500 years ago. But I knew words wouldn’t settle this rivalry Spiritomb and I had.
05-17-2008, 01:12 AM
"Fight to the Death Pt. 2"
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“Alright, Weavile. You need a long rest. I can’t tell you how much I missed you,” I took my hand out of my pocket and pulled out his Pokéball and he was sucked back in. I placed the ball back into my back pocket and had Electivire ready for the battle.
“Alright, Spiritomb. It’s between you and I now. Listen, Kevin. If things get messy, I want you to please step in and help the situation.”
“No problem, Keith.”
Spiritomb gathered his energy from the shadows around the unlit areas of the room and began to charge up his Shadow Ball. It then shot the large ball at the two of us unexpectedly.
“Electivire, let’s dodge its attack. After that, I want you to counter with Thunderpunch!”
Electivire and I dodged the incoming attack and slid towards the rusty pipes towards the left of the room. Electivire jumped into the air and charged at Spiritomb. Spiritomb was a little exhausted from his last attack and didn’t have the time to counter it or dodge it. That made me think that Spiritomb must’ve had a recent battle or wrecked havoc in nearby cities. But I didn’t have the time to think much about it. Electivire came close enough and punched him. The impact knocked Spiritomb down and it slid until coming to a stop at the wall. After a few seconds of silence, it made an attempt to recover so it can retaliate.
“Now, Electivire. Without giving him the time to recover, I want you to use Thunderbolt towards that plug near Spiritomb’s left. Then jump into the electricity and increase your speed!” I couldn’t forget about Electivire’s ability, Speed Boost.
Sparks came flying out of this creature’s body while he began to charge up. Then he used a high-voltage Thunderbolt. With precise aim, he hit the outlet directly and caused sparks to fly out of it. With his blinding speed, Electivire leaped towards the jolts of electricity and his body started glowing in a yellow hue. The amount of light that emerged from his body signaled the success of our plan. But not only did the electricity from the outlet go off for a while, it spread around the whole rooom which gave us a clear advantage.
“Now, Electivire. Let’s finish him off! Grab Spiritomb and throw him up into the air. Then I want you to jump as high as you can and be at a higher elevation than it is. After that, hurl your body down towards Spiritomb at top speed and use Thunderpunch with all of your power!”
Electivire had a solid stance and started finding his energy that he had within him and focused that energy to his fists. He charged towards the injured Spiritomb and launched him up in the air. With lightning speed, he jumped into the air and bounced his body against the ceiling and had double the velocity than he once had. After the bounce, he charged up his Thunderpunch with all of his power while he was getting closer and closer to Spiritomb. Within arm’s reach, Electivire pulled his large arms back and struck Spiritomb in the center of the face! Spiritomb flew quite some distance and slammed into the ground with intense force, knocking him out. Spiritomb was leaned up against the corner of the room with small, barely visible jolts releasing from its body. I knew he had to be briefly paralyzed.
I stuffed my hand into my pocket and searched for an unused Pokéball. After finding one, I tossed the sphere towards Spiritomb while I had the chance and the Pokéball opened up from side to side, sucking it in. The ruby red ball started to shake left to right as we all stood there in astonishment for the moment we’ve all been waiting for. I began to focus my attention towards the Pokéball, as the circle in the middle of the sphere was glowing red. It shook once, twice, … the ball opened up and Spiritomb was released! I couldn’t even explain how I felt at the moment.
“Wow, Spiritomb is going to be harder to catch than I thought. I expected no less from it, however. Electivire, standby for now, ” I said.
Electivire stood in position waiting for what my next command would be. Spiritomb looked at us with one of its eyes half-open and started laughing malevolently.
05-17-2008, 01:17 AM
"Fight to the death Pt. 3"
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“Alright return, Electivire.” I pulled out his Pokéball and he was sucked in. Reaching my hand into my pocket, I placed his ball away and brought Weavile out. “Now. Come on out, Weavile!”
Weavile emerged out of the ball, looking as powerful and fearless as ever. I decided to take a risk sending him out considering what happened last time. But if anything went wrong, Kevin and his Arcanine were there to help out.
“Weavile, I want you to leap onto that ledge above you. Then I want you to use Ice Shard, followed by a Night Slash!” I shouted.
Weavile bent down and jumped into the air landing on the ledge as I ordered him to. Focusing its mind, little ice-shaped objects appeared and was targeted towards the damaged Spiritomb. The Ice Shard managed to hit it.
“Now, Weavile. I want you to hurry up and use Night Slash on it and finish it off!”
Weavile hurled himself towards Spiritomb by gaining high velocity from spinning off of the ledge. Pulling both of his fists back, a dark aura surrounded his two fists. Finally being close enough, Weavile sliced Spiritomb and nearly ended the match instantly. Spiritomb’s eyes opened up barely. It began to laugh and tried to get up. Lifting half of its body up, its eyes closed shut and fell straight back down on the cracked floor.
“Just to make sure. Weavile use Ice Beam!”
Weavile took a deep breath and an icy breath came from deep within him. A freezing blast shot from one corner of the room to the other. Making contact, Spiritomb was instantly frozen.
“Great going, Weavile! Your time’s up, Spiritomb. You will finally be all mine,” I said exhaustedly.
I reached into my pocket and pulled out a Great Ball. Maybe this would do me much better. I pulled my arm back and threw the sphere towards the demon. Sucking it in, the ball closed up. It shook once, twice…
05-17-2008, 01:22 AM
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Thirty long years after the fight with Spiritomb led our heroes to their current successes. Where are those heroes now you ask? Well, Keith, the main character and hero to us all is now apart of Sinnoh’s Elite Four. Nurse Joy, our benevolent nurse who made things possible for Keith, still remains the remainder of her life as a nurse and helps any injured or sick Pokémon. We all can’t forget about Kevin. The young adult who assisted Nurse Joy, Officer Jenny and Keith. Kevin is now apart of the officer crew and helps solve mysterious appearances, robberies, grand theft autos and Pokémon theft as well. The battle of Keith’s life thirty years ago shaped everyone to what they do today. If it were not for that one day Keith encountered Spiritomb, who knows what they would be doing now for a living. Keith now stands strong and powerful as a proud member of the Elite Four enjoying his days, weeks and years as the champion of Sinnoh. At the age of twenty-four, Keith marries Brittany K. Smith. Finally leaving Petalburg City, the two chose to live in Mossdeep City. With two loving kids, John and Tiffany, they too have followed their father’s footsteps and continue on his legend. John, a young adult now at the age of seventeen is the Roark’s assistant at Oreburgh City. And Tiffany is a young woman at the age of nineteen. She has crystal blue eyes, rosy cheeks and blonde hair. She assists Nurse Joy in her everyday tasks at Mossdeep’s Pokémon Center. The original heroes thirty years ago have all went their separate ways. But who knows? Our old heroes may meet up again one day.
05-17-2008, 01:27 AM
Alright, I'm ready to be graded. Here:
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05-23-2008, 12:45 AM
Sorry for not doing this, my sis was busy using the characters for several hours the past few days. ^^;
Just as a note, most of the grade is me nitpicking because you already write really well.
Plot: So Keith goes out one day to investigate a strange aurora he has felt. With Electivire, they investigate the mansion they found a battle a Spiritomb. However, things do not go as plan as both Keith and Weavile are knocked unconscious. The trainer wakes up two weeks later in the Pokemon Center and finds out through Kevin, an assistant, and Nurse Joy, he finds that Keith had been found unconscious in the mansion, alone. Keith immediately wants to find Weavile, and he goes out with Kevin towards the mansion. After some training, they venture inside and find the ghost in a room a dozen tied-up Pokemon. After releasing his Weavile, Keith battles Spiritomb.
To be honest, I had mixed feelings about the plot. First of all, I liked how Keith was out for Spiritomb at first purely because he wanted a new Pokemon, but his reason changed when he woke up and found his Pokemon missing. Second, I like how Keith faced the situation in a calm manner rather than storming out, hell-bent on getting back Weavile through any means necessary. However, at the same time, I found the story a bit dry. There was some motivation in the story, but I still questioned as to why characters did what. Why did Keith decide to follow the wind and decide to fight Spiritomb? Why did Spiritomb tie-up all of those Pokemon; why did he attack in the first place?
Another thing I noticed was that the characters (mostly Nurse Joy and Kevin) were sort of… cardboard-ish. Who exactly was Kevin? What was his history? Why was he being so helpful? What was going through his mind as Keith was trying to get Weavile back? Same thing wit Nurse Joy. You want all of your important characters stand out, to have their own feelings and thoughts about what is happening as the story progresses. Characters that play an important part in the story (like Nurse Joy helping Keith through his recovery as he laid unconscious) need to be more than people in the background.
For this area, on top of all that, just make sure you add interesting twists to your story, especially if you’re going for a hard Pokemon. Maybe Spiritomb controlled the Pokemon through his shadow binds, and Keith was forced to fight his own Weavile. Just make sure you keep things as interesting as possible so your readers don’t lose interest.
I also felt the epilogue was a bit too random. Maybe that was just me. =s
Introduction: This was, meh. I like the effect of you writing a short little prologue, as it seems, then jumping right into the main action, it made the story feel more alive. At the same time, though, the intro started off in a dull manner. I know you can start off things better than “This is the main character…. His Pokemon journey started….”. Even though you want to jump into the action in the second post, you can still start off the introduction in an interesting way, not necessarily action-packed. What I mean is like this:
The wind, it all started with that ominous wind. Keith, a boy who was in his mid-teens, immediately left his Petalburg home to investigate, bidding a short farewell to his mother. The adrenaline had rushed to every bones of his body, all of his senses had been piqued by the time he crossed an intersection. The taste of adventure was his mouth by the time he released his Electivire to gaze upon he aged mansion they had come across…
You’re telling us a short synopsis about what happened beforehand, but at the same time, you’re not jus listing off information. If you want to incorporate more specific information (like when Keith had started his Pokemon journey), squeeze it in there in a manner that won’t make it seem as though you’re just telling us. An example could be:
Keith had gazed up the mansion that towered over them like a stony scholteacher. With his mighty Electric Pokemon, he realized he had grown up so much since he left Cerulean City two years ago to begin his Pokemon journey. After moving to Petalburg City, it seemed as though new doors of adventures had opened up for him.
See, you’re still telling us small details about him but not in a boring way. You can also use this for the rest of your story. ;)
Grammar/Spelling: For the most part, it was good, there wasn’t something that made it hard to read. However, there are some things I want to point out:
The two jumped on to the back of Kevin’s loyal Arcanine.
Sometimes you jumped from first person POV to third. Make sure you watch out for that because it can confuse people.
Electivire begun to create illusionary copies of himself, and his speed was increased.
When you have two simple sentences joined together by a connecting word, you need a comma before the conjoining word; in this case: “and”. Remember, FAN BOYS.
Standing on his hind legs at about 6 feet tall.
Kevin, a young adult who assisted Nurse Joy in her Pokémon Center.
Both of these sentences are fragments. Also, all numbers below “100” should be spelled out, so “6” should be “six”.
If I remember correctly, Kevin. Electivire and I spotted him on the seventh floor of this mansion.
These two sentences sound better if they are connected.
“Thanks, a lot man.”
The comma should go after “lot”.
Overall, just make sure you catch silly mistakes when you proofread and those POV mistakes.
Length: Ahh, just barley scraped the minimum. Elaboration will do wonders for this section, and it’s always safe to aim around the middle in case another area falls short of the standard.
Description/Detail: This was average for the most part. I had a clear picture of the main things like the Pokemon attacks, and the adjectives you used were better than the normal “big”, “powerful”, etc. However, I couldn’t see other important things like the surroundings and the Pokemon. What did the Pokemon Center look like? What did the mansion look like? The forest? There were quite a few changes in scenery in your story, so it is important to describe each scene to the best of your ability.
Also, despite the fact that we’re in a Pokemon forum, you need to describe the Pokemon just as good as you do the main characters like Keith and Kevin. What did Weavile look like? Spiritomb? Electivire? We need to seem them as clearly as the humans.
Battle: This was pretty nice, you’re strongest section by far. The electric plug thing was pretty smart, and a nice way to make use of a Pokemon’s Ability (I hardly see that in a URPG story) (Though, did electricity still run through the old mansion?). All I would advice is a bit more description to the attacks, describe more of how the attacks hit and what effect it had on the Pokemon (was the Pokemon paralyzed, did it suffer some slash across his body, etc?). This will just make your battles more vivid and realistic.
Outcome: Ehh, it was borderline with me. The plot was okay, as was the intro, while the characters were too dry for me. Your description was nice, but you neglected to describe some important things like your environment and the Pokemon themselves. After some thinking, I will have to say: Spiritomb not captured! All you need to do is vividly (as in, not just a few words) describe the surroundings (Pokemon Center, the mansion, etc.) and the Pokemon, and the Ghost will be yours. PM me for a re-grade any time. ^^
05-25-2008, 05:28 PM
Despite the fact that you didn't exactly describede the Pokemon, you described the surroundings and made some things, like the introduction, interesting. So: Spiritomb captured!
Remember to describe EVERYTHING to the best of your abilities: Pokemon, humans, the surroundings, etc; more description is better than less description. If you can do that for the rest of your stories, I'm sure you'll have little problems in capturing the Pokemon you want because your grammar is up to par and the plot seems original enough.
Have fun with the ghost! ^^
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