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Dark Salamence
05-11-2008, 11:19 PM
Kate Evans lay back on her bed aiming unnecessary kicks at the spinning fan above her head. It had been quite a hot day and the refreshing wind blew her long, straight, black hair in her face as she listened to the latest tunes from her iPod. The whole process was quite relaxing and she closed her green. Catlike eyes in enjoyment as the cool breeze blew through her purple shirt and jeans.

She began humming to her favourite song in amusement when she kicked her leg so hard that one of her shoes flew off her foot and crashed into a family portrait, causing it to swing unsteadily as glass from the frame shattered at her feet.

Kate quickly turned off her iPod and sat up abruptly in her bed, distracted, before walking across the room to straighten the portrait and collect her shoe. She had just decided that she was going to go downstairs for a snack when her Salamence printed mobile phone buzzed excitedly from behind her.

Walking toward her old, wooden bedside table, she quickly snatched her phone from its charger and held it to her face in fear that the message would slip away… A message appeared on the screen. ‘Pokemon Concert on tonight!’ she read as the letters flashed neon colours.

She tossed the mobile back to her table, where it landed in it’s charger. She grabbed her purple woolly coat off its hook and ran out of her room towards the front door. In her rush she tripped and skidded down the stairs to her mother’s feet.

“Back soon, Mum!” she called as she quickly pulled herself to her feet and slid stealthily out the door.

Rich, green grass blew gently in the breeze in a swaying motion. Rainbows of pretty flowers formed a sheet over the soft grass and the lush, greens trees that grew in the forests waved their branches in time. The shimmering sun sparkled in the sky-blue atmosphere.

Kate happily sniffed in the fresh air. She was just like a normal twelve year old, but just a little tomboyish. She enjoyed listening to music and hanging out with her friends at concerts. While most of her friends enjoyed showing off their Pokemon’s glamour and beauty at contests, Kate was more into head-to-head battles.

Kate’s Pokemon were not the only members of her team that were into fierce competition. Kate herself was training in karate and could easily take out most other students.

Kate was quite quirky and always got distracted by staring at things which took her interest. By the time she had finished staring at the beautiful scenery beside her, she realised that she was late for her concert and that the only way to make it would be to sprint.

Kate was quite good in both short and long distance races. She, herself assumed that she was one of the fastest girls at her school (which she probably was). Kate held her head high up in the air to catch the sun and breeze in her face as she ran towards the concert hall.

She looked ahead of her. The shops were just ahead. She just had to pass through her secret alleyway to get to the concert hall quickly. It was her shortcut. Kate loved the familiar sight of abandoned houses, spider webs and bricks laying on the side of the road. Kate had lived in her neighbourhood for most of her life and by now she knew every street, shop and alley from back to front.

Kate stared at the sky and shortened to a walking pace as she passed through her shortcut. Long, green vines draped over her head. A small, brown rat scurried towards a bin. She could see the back window of many houses which had been abandoned.

Finally she arrived at the town hall. The tall building towered over her short size. The large complex ascended from the ground to many stories. Etiquette embodied patterns on the wall greeted her. Red, silky curtains covered the windows.

On entering the complex, she started to the front desk where a woman sat. She was a small, chubby woman with short, dark brown hair, small beady eyes hidden in glasses and bright red lipstick around her mouth. Kate thought that she looked like a giant clown. The lady wore a blue and white checked blouse and thin, grey leggings.

Kate searched her pocket for her ticket. When she managed to pull it out, it was crumpled and covered in dirt. “Oh, sorry about that!” said Kate, blushing slightly as she scrubbed the ticket with the side of her purple shirt before giving it to the surprised lady, who was eyeing her suspiciously with her spectacles.

Heading into the main theatre, Kate spotted a popcorn stand. Excitedly, she wandered off and stood in front of the counter. A friendly man was standing there. He had short, messy brown hair, thin eyebrows and bright blue eyes. He wore a bright red apron over his yellow shirt and black pants.

“Medium popcorn, please,” she asked, glancing at the shop as the cashier prepared her food. The stand had a big, red banner across the top of it. The walls and roof were bright red like the cashier’s shirt. Yellow neon lights gave the stand a faint glow.

Kate stared back at the counter. A large popcorn machine was on the left. Small, brown seeds popped excitedly into big yellow, popcorn pieces. Soon after, the machine stopped and the friendly man scooped the popcorn into a large cup and handed it to her.

Kate smiled happily at the cashier before walking towards the entrance to the main theatre and turned left into the door.

It was dark inside as Kate made her way through the rows of seats before settling on one. Music was playing while the performers waited for latecomers to arrive.

As a few other people silently walked in to the large room and settled on seats, everything became darker and a short, fat man walked on to the stage.

He wore a large top hat, a black suit and long, black pants. He had glasses, small brown eyes and facial hair on his chin and below his mouth.

A spotlight shone on him as he made he’s way towards a microphone.

“Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the magnificent Pokemon Showdown!” he shouted into the microphone. “In this show, you’ll see the true talents of Pokemon!”

Kate was so excited that she thought that she would eject off her seat any minute! The chubby man pointed to back stage and a large, fat Pokemon stomped on to the stage.

It had dark-blue fur, large pointy ears and claws. It was enormous! It settled on the stage as the man quickly ran towards back stage as if the large Pokemon was dangerous.

Three more Pokemon hurried to the scene. One of them looked like a yellow rodent with long, pointy ears with black tips, big red cheeks and a lightning blot shaped tail. The other two looked similar, but with large, diamond shaped ears and small black tails. Pikachu and Pichu!

The three Pokemon made their way towards the Snorlax and began to jump on the fat Pokemon’s large, bouncy belly in a routine. The chubby Pokemon then lifted them in the air and began to juggle them skilfully. The crowd went wild.

The audience clapped and cheered in amazement. Kate whistled loudly but a stern looking guard in a blue and white police uniform glanced in her direction. He had straight black hair, a small scruffy moustache and small black eyes. so she descended to her seat and cheered like the other people.

For the next act came a small, brown fox-like Pokemon who slept silently on the stage. It had a long, stumpy tail and big legs. The Abra tensed for a moment before turning to an antique table with china cups and saucers on it. They were printed with pictures of Pokemon and patterns. They were placed neatly on top of a blue and white checked tablecloth.

Abra used its powerful psychic powers to shift the china to different positions. The audience was intrigued. Abra repeated it’s routine once more, but this time the saucers and cups moved faster in a cyclone motion until all of the china was spinning around the Psychic-Type Pokemon.

Quickly, Abra used a Powerful Mega Punch to shatter the china. Glass fell to the ground. Rainbow coloured confetti burst from a piņata and covered the audience and Abra with a sheet of rainbow colours. As Abra made its way off the stage, the audience clapped and cheered once more. Kate was so excited that she spilled her popcorn on the small brown-haired child in front of her. He was wearing a yellow and blue striped shirt. He had big blue eyes. As Kate quickly looked back towards the stage he eyed her accusingly.

Form the next act, out came a Growlithe and an Oddish.

Growlithe was a puppy-like Pokemon with yellow fluff on its neck and tail. Black stripes covered the orange Fire Pokemon’s body.

Oddish was a Grass-Type Pokemon. It was small and blue, with two small feet. Lush, green weeds grew on its head.

A girl also came out with the two Pokemon. She was slim and pale, with long pink hair tied in pigtails, round glasses and big brown eyes. She wore a pale pink shirt and a denim skirt. She held a brightly coloured hoop above her head.

On the slender girl’s command, Growlithe opened its mouth to send out a burst of flaming fire at the hoop, which began to sizzle. Oddish tensed, as it now had to jump through the flaming hoop.

The audience gasped and covered their eyes, but Oddish was well trained. It twirled as it glided through the hoop and out the other side gracefully. The audience roared with amazement. Kate screamed.

Suddenly, the little boy she had dropped popcorn on turned around and squirted the last of his Fanta at her face. Kate fell silent as the sticky substance dripped through her black hair.

The fat announcer plodded onto the stage and put his face in front of the microphone.

“Now,” he said. “For the final act which will have you on the edge of your seat. Please welcome the acting superstars… Runi and Runa!”

The crowd fell silent. Two small Pokemon wandered onto the stage.

One of them was small and pink, with large ears and a horn on his forehead. He had stubby legs and small claws on each foot.

The other was similar, but she was pale blue with a smaller horn and ears. She had bigger claws than the other.

Both of these Pokemon were Nidoran. One was male and the other was female. These two superstars had been the reason that Kate came to the show. They were well known all over.

Runi, the pink male Nidoran wore a long, yellow ribbon around his neck while Runa, the blue female wore a small tutu.

To start the act off, the two Pokemon climbed up a little tower where carabineers waited for them. Quickly, they attached themselves and leaped of their small platforms in exquisite grace. They twirled and soared through the air.

Then, as quickly as they had attached themselves, they used their horns and claws to break the rope that they were attached to. The crowd screamed in horror as the two Pokemon headed for the ground.

But much to the crowds relief, they sailed through the air and landed gently on a gymnastics mat before bowing.

The Nidoran started up their next act. They began to bounce on the mat until the springy mat had ascended them until they were almost as high as their platforms. While they sailed up through the air they clasped each other’s hands before breaking free, pirouetting and floating back to the ground with beautiful parasols. They were both printed with embodied patterns and silk.

The crowd roared as they threw bouquets and roses at Runi and Runa. The chubby announcer called all the other Pokemon on the stage and they bowed together. Kate screamed until her voice disappeared out the door.

As everyone made his or her way out of the hall, chattering about the magnificent performance, Kate tried to pirouette like Runi and Runa but failed miserably and tumbled to the floor. She quietly pulled herself up in embarrassment as some elderly ladies stared at her.

Suddenly, she heard a metal sound. Peering towards backstage, she saw her lucky penny rolling away!

That penny was a gift from her grandmother in France. She quite liked it- more than that other girlish junk that her granny sent her and she decided that she was flowing it.

Quietly, making sure that nobody was looking, she crept backstage. Bright blue curtains hang from the roof and doors with stars on them were positioned throughout the room.

Kate had been searching for a few minutes when she spotted a familiar gold coin with marvellous patterns and embroidery underneath a star shaped door. Carefully, she reached out and grabbed for it when suddenly the door was pushed open and Kate quickly hid behind the hinges and peeked through the small gap.

The chubby announcer was in the room, straightening his bow tie and combing his hair. Beside him were two cages with two small Pokemon in them. It was Runi and Runa! Kate gasped. What was he up to?

Runa let out a small cry. The man turned towards her, and gave her a stern look. She descended down to a soft whimper. Runi tried to stretch out with his small claws and comfort her but the announcer, namely Tom, banged the table with his big fist and sent Runi crashing into the back of his cage.

“Look,” he said sternly. “I know you dream to be wild and free, but this is my money we’re earning and you are continuing to work for me not matter what!” The announcer yanked off his suit to reveal a torn non-sleeved shirt and baggy shorts. His shirt had a Gyarados on him. He pulled off a wig to reveal a shiny, baldhead. The ‘fat,’ was in fact all muscle and he looked quite tough.

A spark began in Kate’s body. It soon spread through her body and turned into a fire before blazing into her eyes. She felt like she would explode with anger like fireworks. But she kept her mouth shut in case Tom discovered her.

He slammed the door backwards sending Kate flying backwards. “Oh!” she cried as she tumbled to the ground.

Tom suddenly peered behind the door to see what had made the noise. Seeing Kate huddled against the wall, he dragged her into his room.

Kate erupted at him like a volcano, red with rage. “Look, mister. You can’t keep these poor Pokemon here just for your earnings! They don’t even want to do this!”

Tom glanced thoughtfully in her direction. “And what’s little princess going to do about that?” he sneered.

Kate was at the end of her wits. No one should dare do such a thing to Pokemon! Nor should they treat her in such a way.

“This!” Kate replied to Tom’s nasty comment as she leaped out of his grasp, pirouetted gracefully like Runi and Runa, pointed her leg at him and kun-fu kicked him in that position where males find it most uncomfortable to be kicked in.

Tom groaned in pain, clutched his groin and lay on the ground, wailing like a toddler having a tantrum.

The key to Runi and Runa’s cage flew at Kate, all silver and gleaming with embodied patterns. Kate slowly waked over two the Nidoran’s cage and unlocked the door. It swung open and the two Pokemon quickly ran past her legs and outside into the wild. They disappeared off into the sunlight.

Kate pulled a silly face at Tom, who was groaning in pain, before running outside after the energetic Nidoran.

Outside, Kate began to make her way back through her secret alleyway and back home. The sun was still shining and the soft, fluffy clouds moved slowly in the cool breeze.

On her way through the alleyway, Kate smelled something from an open window. Peering inside, she saw fresh cookies baking in an oven. Her stomach gurgled hunger. She clutched it, embarrassed. “Maybe I should go to the milk bar?” she decided.

The old store was on the way back, and she still had some spare money. She walked along the soft grass and watched the trees and flowers sway in a dancing motion. Bug Pokemon soared through the air and collected pollen.

She was almost there when she stepped on tripped on something. “Whoah!” Kate cried as she flew flat on her back on to a patch of bare soil. She quickly ascended to her feet and brushed the soil off her jeans. She gasped in shock as she saw the pink figure that she had tripped on.

A rather unhappy Runi was sprawled on the ground and an angry looking Runa was glaring at Kate accusingly. The female Nidoran quickly pulled Runi up and faced Kate before aiming small, purple stingers at her with a Poison Sting.

“Knock it off!” Kate cried as she tried to evade the small needles. “It was only an accident.” Runa didn’t seem to be in an apologetic mood. She leaped at Kate and dug into her skin with her sharp teeth.

Kate yowled in pain and clutched her bleeding arm. Once again, the twelve year old was fuming with anger.

“That’s the last straw!” she cried as she took a soft eucalyptus scented tissue from her pocket and gently patted her bloody arm. “I’m going to catch you two troublemakers and end this nonsense!” she cried fetching two Pokeballs from her pocket.

“Butterfree, Beedrill, go!” she cried as she sent the red and white spheres hurling through the air. Out of them emerged two bug-like Pokemon.

Butterfree was a large purple butterfly with small blue hands and long blue feet. It had two large red compound eyes on its head and patterned black and white wings.

Beedrill on the other hand was more like a bee. It was yellow with long, black stripes and had large red eyes like Butterfree. Sharp, poisonous stingers were on its two arms and tail.


~DS

Dark Salamence
05-19-2008, 09:00 AM
Runi and Runa were ready, poised in a battle position. They started off with a combined Poison Sting. Sharp purple stingers flew at the two bug types, who shielded themselves with their wings in an attempt to evade the attack. Beedrill quickly changed into a battle position and flew at Runi. It stuck one of its stingers into the Pokemon’s body with a Twineedle. The male Nidoran yelped in pain. Buterfree flapped its large wings, sending a green sparkling dust in the Nidorans’ direction, which would be sure to send them to dreamland. Quickly in response, the Poison Pokemon pirouetted and span, dodging the attack. The light breeze from the spin sent the delicate dust flying at Beedrill, who drifted off to sleep.

While Beedrill dozed off to dreamland, Butterfree countered with a Confusion attack. Colourful beams shot out of Butterfree’s eyes and spiralled into the unsuspecting Runi, who became instantly dizzy and confused and began to teeter. Runa, angry that Butterfree had attacked her friend, used a Double Kick attack, on both Butterfree and the sleeping Beedrill, which looked much like the kick Kate had aimed at Tom. Both Pokemon fell back in impact.

Butterfree quickly jumped back into action with a Whirlwind attack. The Bug-Type Pokemon rapidly flapped its wings and sent a small tornado at both Nidoran, who quickly flipped forwards to escape the attack. Runi teetered slightly from the confusion but quickly snapped back out of it and joined Runa for a double attack. Runi’s long horn sent Beedrill flying back in impact. Luckily, the Bug Pokemon quickly awoke from its rest and used Agility in order to dodge Runa’s rapid and furious Fury Swipes. Unfortunately, another blow from Runi’s horn caught Beedrill unaware and pushed it to the ground.

The two Nidoran continued their barrage with Scratch and Fury Attack, their horns and claws outstretched. But quickly in response, Beedrill moved in for a Rage attack. Butterfree flapped its large wings and sent a slivery gust towards Runi and Runa, blowing them into the Rage attack’s path. The two Pokemon flew backwards.

The battle continued as Runi and Runa countered with Peck and Crunch. Runi pushed Beedrill backwards while Runa clamped her teeth on to Butterfree’s wing. The two Pokemon quickly bounced back with a combination attack. Beedrill used Pin Missle, sending small spines flying at the Nidoran, while Butterfree used Gust to blow them, into a direct damage position. The two Poison-Types yelped in pain.

Runi and Runa aimed for a Peck and Scratch attack and flew at Kate’s Pokemon, but Butterfree and Beedrill split, sending the two Nidoran crashing into a rock behind them. Butterfree used Confusion on the two Pokemon, sending a colourful ray at them; While Beedrill continuously hit them with Pursuit.

Beedrill used Focus Energy and charged while Runi and Runa aimed for a combined Double Kick. Butterfree used Gust in an attempt to blow them away but the two superstars used the wind at their advantage and glided at Butterfree and Beedrill, making a clean hit.

Beedrill quickly prodded Runi with Twineedle and Butterfree sent a rainbow coloured beam at Runa with Psybeam, while the two Nidoran braced themselves with Helping Hand as they were forced backwards by the impact.

Seeing this as a chance to attack, Beedrill flew at them at fast speeds with Agility, but the cunning Runa used Flatter to confuse Beedrill and send it flying into a Spinirak web. Beedrill was completely trapped, and Runi quickly took this as a time to use Horn Drill, a one hit KO. Sure enough, Beedrill was hit and fainted instantly.

“Beedrill, no!” cried Kate as she returned her Pokemon. Butterfree, angry at the Nidoran’s sneaky plan used Stun Spore, sending yellow powder at Runi and Runa. The both became completely paralysed! While the two Nidoran stood helplessly, Butterfree took position and aimed a Psybeam at them. The two Pokemon we hit by the rainbow coloured beam and sent flying into the clear, blue lake behind them where Magikarp swam in schools.

Quickly, Kate reached into her pocket and grabbed two Pokeballs, then sent the red and white spheres flying the two Nidoran. They were sucked inside. The Pokeballs wobbled and Kate stood beside the lake, clenching her fists hopefully.

Pokemon: Nidoran F and Nidoran M
Characters Required: 10,000- 20,000
Characters W/O Spaces: 17,630
Characters W Spaces: 21,231

~DS

Dark Salamence
05-19-2008, 09:01 AM
Now ready for grading. ^^

~DS

The Jr Trainer
06-10-2008, 03:23 AM
Plot/Story:Basically a girl goes to the circus and doesn't like what the director (I think) is doing with the two little baby Nidoran, so she tried to capture them. It's a really short and easy plot elaborated <--- key word. That is a very good thing. Making short and easy plots longer and interesting than they could be; adding into a plot is okay as well, this kind of thing isn't really expected, taking Pokemon from a cirucs? Unheard of. xD Making surprises is always a plus (+!) in stories, it makes the reader think about what else would happen... then maybe something else happens that is completely different from what they thought. Make the readers' minds twist. :p

The character, I could feel almost as if I knew her. She was well put into the story and you made it so I knew everything about her, putting in thing like that - making the reader feel as part of the story makes them feel as part of the story and they'll get a lot more into it and be indulged by it completely.

Introduction:
I think it could've been more something, intro's need something to catch the readers eye and make them wonder about what is going on/going to happen. Just take that into consideration when you're writing the beginning of stories. :/

Grammar/Spelling:
I saw a good amount of mistakes, you should really use a spell checker or your own eyes to get those little typos and whatnot that can distract the readers from the plot/part of the story.

big red cheeks and a lightning nlot shaped tail.
Bolt, not nlot. xD

For the next act came a small, brown foxlike Pokemon who
'Foxlike' isn't a word, but you can make it a contraption! [fox-like] You did this another time to, with "puppylike."

sovered the audience and
Cover, unless its spelled different where you are. o_O

I saw a lot of other typos too, they could be fixed with just a bit of reading over, or something like word. :o

She, herself assumed that she was one of the fastest girls at her school, (which she probably was.)
You don't want the comma there, and you want the period outside the ()'s. D:

Length:
Plenty for these two little stars. :P

Detail/Description:
This was good at times.. and down the drain at others. You were very descritive at times and others you didn't put much than a simple little color, when you first start writing sure those little colors are okay, but then you get more deep into writing you can use those simple colors AND use other words to make a combined and fun describtion. You always should describe anything with full force; yes anything even the smallest little things. Sometimes little things can make a big, big difference. Just remember that, big things aren't always the most important. And that brings me to my next point: personalities and such. Emotions, personalities... all that good stuff, make them appear in your characters and things; they can make everything seem more real, like a pop out book. Those have pictures popping out to make everything seem a lot more real, instead of boring 2D, they make it more 3D looking.

This could use some work I'd say, just don't stop with a little bit of description, use a lot of it; but not too much then it will lean people away from the actual meaning of the story... which obviously is not good.

Battle:
This was pretty much perfect. xD It's obviously your strong point. It was nice and long it; I liked all the attack and there isn't much more I can say about this since it was all I really wanted to ask for. :o Now, I could see it being a bit, tiny bit longer because its for two Pokemon. But other than that this was fantastic. :D So now I will leave you be and let myself get into the next part of my grading. :P

Outcome:
This story was pretty good, but there was a good amount of typos which sometimes took my brain off of the whole plot of the story and the sketchy detail at times I'm goin got have to say: Only one Nidoran captured. If you want the other little critter then fix the mistakes and add in more detail to some parts.

Also if you want a regrade you'll have to ask another grade as I'm going out of town. :x

Dark Salamence
06-13-2008, 07:10 AM
Thanks Jr. I always overlook typos and never see them. <_< Lol, I'll fix them and add some more description. I think I'll be talking Runa first.

~DS

The Jr Trainer
06-20-2008, 01:33 AM
This is perfect now; you fixed everything that I wanted you to fix, and not to mention added a good amount of description so I could clearly see what everything was. I didn't see any mistakes that were reasonable horrid that made nothing make sense. So good job fixing this entire story, I liked it a lot more now.

SO OTHER NIDORAN CAPTURED!

Good job, make sure for your next hard tasks you include a lot more description and you'll be okay. ^_^

Dark Salamence
06-20-2008, 07:47 AM
Thanks Jr. I promise to take care of both baby Nidoran. ^^

~DS