View Full Version : That In a NutShellos

05-13-2008, 02:31 AM
Pokemon: Shellos

The sky was dark and gloomy as a swarm of boisterous thunder clouds paraded through the air. Droplets of angry rain sliced through the sky, pounding into the violent waves of the ocean. Swell after swell fell upon the surface, as if the sea was throwing a tantrum. The moon hid timidly behind the storm, followed in pursuit by the benevolent stars. Though the water frothed above, however, the ocean was calm below. The Pokemon swam peacefully about, unaware of the turmoil accept for the occasional flash of lightning illuminating their scales.

A small slug like creature crept groggily from his muddy burrow beneath the behemoth of a sunken ship. He slid through the sandy ocean floor yawning, headed towards his normal feeding grounds. There was a flat section of the rickety vessel which was covered in a delicious species of algae and seaweed, and Shellos’ stomach growled longingly for the buffet in front of it. Clumsily, Shellos climbed up the side of the ship, waving at the other nocturnal Pokemon swimming to the top for their breakfast. The rotten wood creaked under his feet, but eventually he made it to the top.

A slight current picked up, and the warped masts swayed with the force. Shellos pulled himself onto the deck and was greeted by the sight of a large field of green foliage scattered between numerous fish. Shellos began munching on the sweet tendrils of a swaying bush, only to nearly be blown off the wreckage by a strong displacement of water. Dazed, the sea slug’s eyes darted through the water warily. To his left, a large swam of shadows approached ominously from the open sea. At first, Shellos could make anything out, but soon was able to distinguish that the mass was a group of aggressive looking Wailord. The biggest one in the center had a furrowed brow, with a scar running through his left eye. The rest maintained the same expression, baring their own battle wounds and marks.

Angrily, the pod slammed into the side of the ship, sending many unaware Pokemon flying through the water, unconscious. Shellos had managed to keep a firm grip on his snack, but that was his misfortune. Some of the whales had burst through the decaying wall of the vessel and were proceeding to rip the deck off. They lifted it higher and higher through the sea, almost breaking the surface. Shellos and some of the other remaining Pokemon were slammed down from the force, the pressure causing the rest to pass out. Shellos attempted to jump off the surface being dragged away, but the gravity and water pressure sealed him to the wood. Eventually, he too, passed out.

Unaware of the stowaways in their food, the Wailord continued to swim violently back to their cave. The water rippled around the whale’s massive girth, leaving a gigantic trail of bubbles on the surface. The path was soon discovered by a flock of Pelipper, their eyes glistening in malice and excitement. The pelicans swooped down lazily into the sea, expecting to be welcomed by the soft flesh of prey. Instead, the birds hit the backs of the lead Wailord hard. Feathers flying everywhere, the Pelipper made a hasty retreat back into the skies. Infuriated, the Wailord pounded the birds back down with a massive jet of water. The Water Spout soaked the wings of the birds and irritated their eyes, as if the water itself had turned violent. Squawking, the birds fell, one by one, back into the sea. A particularly heavy Pelipper caught the side of the broken deck, flinging the sleeping fish back down to the bottom of the sea. The Wailord paid it know mind, instead turning to swallow up the unfortunate pelicans in a single gulp.

Shellos awoke at the bottom of the ocean once more. The water shone like precious stones and the sun glimmered down to him. Squinting, he made out the shape of a large floating object at the surface. Frightened, Shellos scampered beneath a rock ledge behind him. Had the Wailord come back for him? Upon closer inspection, however, the object was as small as a Wailmer, but longer. It was a whitish cream color, with a strange pinwheel shaped object on the back. Relieved, but curious, Shellos paddled his way up to the floating shape. It was resting on the surface of the water, swaying gently with the calm waves. Shellos stared at it for a few minutes longer, but got bored with the underside of the boat. With a great leap and an even greater splash, Shellos flung himself out of the emerald swirls and onto the surface of the speeder. To his amazement, the contraption was much like the larger pirate ship he lived under, but had a sleeker look to it. The hull and floor shined profusely, invisible walls reflecting the warm sunlight all about. As he admired the beauty of the vessel, a towering foe snuck behind him. The human walked up to the slug precariously, unnoticed. He was unfortunately betrayed, however, by a loose floorboard calling out his presence.

Immediately, Shellos spun around and fired off a ring of pulsing water. It pushed the man back, but to Shellos’ dismay, he held his ground. The human raced back towards the sea slug, waving some netting over his head like a maniac. Shellos slid along the wet floor in the opposite direction, all the while firing of more Water Pulses. They were subject to miss, though, and the man used this to wet the floor even more so. After the entire boat was slicked, he pulled a small sphere from his coat and tossed it up. It opened up, releasing a flow of red light. The glow gained shape, quickly revealing a Buizel. The sea otter lunged forward at an incredible speed, tossing the Shellos off the solid surface and into a pile of junk the closet was sheltering. Squealing, Shellos opened his mouth wide and hurled a muddy glob at the Buizel. It exploded on impact, sending the otter skidding backwards. In a countermeasure, the Buizel fired a beam of water back, only for it to be absorbed by Shellos’ ability. Rejuvenated, the slug fired off a multitude of pulses, but they were all dodged by the Buizel. Taking a new method, the Buizel bashed into Shellos again and again using its Quick Attack. With a final strike, Shellos was tossed back into the closet. He landed in a plastic container hard, and was nearly defeated. The human raced forward and slammed the lid shut. Struggling, Shellos pounded against the walls in an attempt to escape. Could his freedom disappear already?

Phantom Kat
05-27-2008, 01:39 AM
Sorry for taking long, didn't feel too good on the weekend. ^^;

Plot: A Shellos goes out his undersea home to feast on some algae. Unfortunately, a pod of Wailord come to eat said algae and don’t realize that the sea slug is in their food. In some crazy events, Shellos is thrown back to the sea, unharmed. He goes aboard a ship and battles a human and his Buizel for freedom.

It was original, I’ll give you that. I don’t think I’ve read a URPG story about a Pokemon just being a Pokemon and its natural habitat. I could see this happening in the real Pokemon world, in the parts where only Pokemon inhabit the parts. I could see you adding more about Shellos, about how he felt about the whole ordeal of being free one moment, trapped the next, free, and trapped again. I could certainly liven up the story and make it more realistic because as shown in the anime and Pokemon Mystery Dungeon, Pokemon are smarter and more human-like than animals in our world which means their emotions change in situations like us.

Introduction: It was pretty good. You opened up nicely with the mention of the ocean being so violent while the ocean floor was basically the exact opposite. You told us a bit about Shellos in the fact that he knew food was close by. I would have liked it if we were told a bit more about him, but I guess it isn’t really necessary for the kind of story you wrote. A tad more description on the surroundings and a lot more about the main character would make things more vivid, though.

Grammar/Spelling: Nearly flawless, just a couple of mistakes here and there:

To his left, a large swam of shadows approached ominously from the open sea.

Yeah, “swarm”.

At first, Shellos could make anything out, but soon was able to distinguish that the mass was a group of aggressive looking Wailord.

You don’t need the comma because the next part isn’t a simple sentence.

There was a flat section of the rickety vessel which was covered in a delicious species of algae and seaweed, and Shellos’ stomach growled longingly for the buffet in front of it.

Should be “Shellos’s” since you are only talking about one Shellos, not two; it’s the same thing with “James” (ex. James’s shirt).

Length: No complaints here.

Description/Detail: Honestly, I was iffy about this section. Overall, you did a good job, the description did make me see what was going on in the story. However, you could also add a lot more to make your story even more vivid. I think if you take your time describing individual parts like Shellos’s home, the pod of oncoming Wailord, the human’s ship, the human himself, etc, we’ll have a clearer picture than before. You can use colors to describe the look of both ships, the lighting that streaked across the sky, and the sky after the Wailord broke the surface. You can words that describe size for the pirate ship, the Wailord in comparison to Shellos, etc. If you take just more time on the small details, your description will improve tremendously, creating a story that paints us a picture of everything.

Another thing is you NEED to describe the Pokemon. What did Shellos look like (was it an Eastern or Western Shellos)? What did the Wailord and the Buizel looks like? I honestly thought, until I checked Serebii, that Wailord was Wailmer throughout the story. =x This is why you need to describe the Pokemon in your stories, not many of us have each Pokemon tattooed in our brains for reference.

Battle: It was sort of short but okay for a Simple Pokemon. Like I said above, you just need to describe the minor details just as much as the big details. In other words, a better description of the attacks form each side would really help out your battles. All of us might have a different idea of what a Water Pulse or Quick Attack looks like, it’s your job to tell us how we’re supposed to see it.

Outcome: Overall, it was to-the-point short story that was a pleasant read. Shellos captured! Remember to describe as much as possible, including the small details and the Pokemon. It will help you when you’re writing for harder Pokemon, and it will also make your stories much more enjoyable to read. Other than that, enjoy whatever Pokemon Aelita trades you for this cuties. x3

- Kat

05-27-2008, 01:54 AM
Thanks Kat, I'll work on the things you pointed out.