View Full Version : Thats poisonous!

The Politoed Hunter
05-13-2008, 07:06 AM
I am quite new to this, but anyways
pokemon writing for: weedle
need: 3000-5000 characters
have: 3450 characters without spaces and 4230 with spaces

Thats Poisonous!

After obtaining his new poliwag from the starting trainee site, Albert decided to go and start on his journey. Albert had a big build, he was a bit on the fat side. He was at an age of about 14. He was wearing a red hoody, dark blue jeans and black trainers. Since it was summer he was wearing sun glasses. His poliwag was in its poke ball, as too much heat would daze and faint it. Albert was out the very edge of town. This was the way out into the wilderness. “One small step for Albert, one giant leap for poke-kind!” Albert thought to himself, quoting the time when Buzz Aldren and Neil Armstrong had successfully landed on the moon and caught a clef airy. Although this part of the story about catching clef airy was a myth, they truly did land on the moon. Albert took his first step into the wilderness. The grass was wet, obviously covered with dew. This was the perfect place to let poliwag out, it wouldn’t overheat.

“Poliwag, go!” Albert yelled, while chucking the red and white orb into the dewy grass. A tadpole pokemon with legs emerged. It had a black swirl in the middle of its stomach and had a long white tail with a blue stripe in the middle. Albert didn’t know much about the pokemon, so he whipped out the pokedex his mother packed for him.

“Poliwag, the tadpole pokemon.” It beeped. “Poliwags’ prefer cool climates. They die if there bodies dry out. Poliwag’s skin is transparent in the stomach. It’s skin is also very flexible, so some attacks bounce right off it.”

“POLI!” The poliwag said in excitement.

Albert smiled at his favourite and new found pokemon. He also had a love for pokemon, especially water types, but this one he loved the most. Albert and poliwag skipped merrily through the field. Albert stopped when he came to a nearby tree. There was a yellow bulge with a hole in the middle on the tree. Albert had no idea what it was, so moved on. Albert continued through the long grass when he came across a pokemon.

“WEEDLE!” It boomed. Albert tore his pokedex out of his pocket.

“Weedle, the poison caterpillar pokemon.” It began. “Weedles’ have an extremely toxic barb at the top of its head. Caution should be tooken when approaching this pokemon.”

The bug was yellow, and had many segments to its body. It had a red nose that covered most of its head, and had many red feet. Its most distinguishing feature though, was the shiny, sharp, toxic barb at the top of its head. Albert was eager to catch this pokemon. The bug was just flopping around on a dirt patch by a lake, so this was the perfect time to make a sneak attack.

“Poliwag, use your bubble attack and try to trap weedle in the bubble.” Albert whispered to poliwag, trying not to disturb the weedle.

“Poli!” The poliwag replied, and released a spray of bubbles at the weedle. The weedle didn’t know what hit him. A few moments later it was slowly floating away in a bubble. The weedle had a backup plan however, when it pointed its poisoned barb at the walls of the bubble. The bubble gave a quiet “Pop!” and the weedle gently landed on the wilderness floor. Now it was angry. The bug pokemon released a spray of purple barbs at poliwag. This attack was known as poison sting. The poor tadpole pokemon had no time to dodge, and was hit by the barbs, injecting poliwag with small amounts of poison, but not enough to be fatal.

“Poliwag, use a doubleslap attack!” Albert shrieked.

The poliwag waved it tail about, readying itself for a doubleslap. However, the weedle lowered its head, and painfully stabbed the tadpole in the tail. Poliwag yelped in pain. Toxic was inserted into the tadpole’s body, so Albert knew he had to finish this off.

“Poliwag, use your strongest water gun!” Albert screamed.

Poliwag squirted a jet of water at weedle. The bug pokemon was forced backwards and as a result, knocked into a nearby tree. The weedle was down, but not out. With the last urge of strength, it released more toxic barbs. Poliwag was seriously damaged. There was nothing else Albert could do, except maybe one thing. Albert reached onto his belt, pulled out a red and white orb and tossed it at the orange bug type.

“POKEBALL, GO!” Albert yelled, while throwing the poke ball. It started to shake.

05-13-2008, 03:47 PM
I'll have a go at this. ;3

Introduction/Story: So, Albert, a new trainer has just picked up his Poliwag and is ready for a journey, he goes into the forest and stumbles upon a Weedle, hoping to catch it.

Well, this is a pretty un-original story, but it's a Weedle, so your fine here. Just remember, when going for harder Pokémon you'll need to expand your plot and make it more complex. You should try and develop your characters as well, they seemed pretty much like all characters I read about; hopefull, jolly and cool. Maybe adding more unique personality to Albert, that would help. :) But yeah, this was your first story, so I have no complaints here.

Length: Well, 3-5k isn't that hard to write in my opinion; so I felt you could've gone a littler further. But you got in between the two, which is what you should try and aim for. Just remember; it's ok to go over the limit. :3

Grammar/Spelling: This was fine, you had a couple of mistakes that a lot of people make, I'll just go over them with you. But before I do, one thing; words like "pokemon" and "pokeball" etc need to be capitalized, it's not exactly neccasary, but it's how it should be done. ;3 It goes for attacks, Pokémon names, anything associated to Pokémon needs to be capitalized.

Albert had a big build, he was a bit on the fat side.

You need a semi-colon after 'build' instead of a comma. ;3

Since it was summer he was wearing sun glasses.

You don't need a space in sunglasses. :)

That's all I really found, the rest were problems with capitalization (which I mentioned in the first paragraph) and one typo. ;3

Description: This was a little sketchy. You have strong description, but you throw it all at us like a roleplay sign up. You need to try and add in bits of description as the story goes along. It makes it very tedious if you have a big patch of description when all you need is a couple of words. But this was just perfect for a Weedle in the places you described. AND OMG; you described the Pokémon, good job. A lot of people would tend to expect everyone to know what they look like, even though some don't. Nice job here.

Battle: This was good too. It was 2-sided, each Pokémon got in two-three attacks each, which is just perfect for the little tadpole and bug. I also liked how you tried to trap Weedle in the bubbles, then smartly Weedle popped the bubble; which I kind of predicted. But nice job here, just remember to describe your attacks a little more, they were kind of brief.

Outcome: Sorry for the short grade, but this story is onky 4k-ish, but with the good grammar, battle and description; I'm going to say Weedle Captured! Enjoy the little bug. Just make sure to think of more creative plots when aiming for harder Pokémon. ^^ Enjoi!

The Politoed Hunter
05-13-2008, 04:01 PM
Ok, thanks. *Crosses fingers*. Hope I get weedle. Not that I like weedles though, just thought it would be a good place to start.

05-13-2008, 04:04 PM
I just finished the grade, remember to read it all. :)

The Politoed Hunter
05-13-2008, 04:06 PM
Yipee! Thanks. I have a bit to remember

1. more plot
2. capitalization for pokemon
3. more originality
4. A bit more depth about characters.

Thanks, I feel like writing another story :).