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Frozen_in_Time
05-13-2008, 01:45 PM
http://i28.tinypic.com/jtv1w1.png
Ever had a Slakoth fall on you?!
Here is a short book, with...a few chapters in it. I may or may not finish it all though.

Pokemon: Slakoth
Summary: A basic story about these trainers who are going to
a city and what happens, and who they meet :D
Ch needed: 5 - 10 K

DONE! Hopefully...

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Introduction:

"Come on guys, let's fly the coop!" I (Icarus) shouted to the rest of the group.
"Okay!" came the answer from Jennifer, Jeffery and Alex, my three friends who I was travelling with on this journey.
We all mounted their flying Pokemon to travel to their next location...Deep Forest...
We were a group of kids who travelled from place to place on our feathered friends. Jennifer and I were the oldest at fourteen, while Alex was thirteen and the youngest, Jeffery, was eleven. Our Pokemon included Pidgeot on which Alex travelled on, her wings were a lovely beige and she was a real fighter! Dragonite belonged to Jeff and it was on eof the strongest Pokemon I have ever met! Charizard was my guy and I tell you, he is the best Pokemon ever! And Togekiss, Jennifer was like in love with her, well she was rather a beauty, and strong too.
I was their leader, Icarus Evergreen (Though I never use my last name and am mostly called Ic by the rest of the group)
Our plan of strategy was to get to the Deep Forest, A place where apparently Pokemon were being experimented on to become more "Human."
Me and the team obviously did not think that this is at all acceptable and we planned to go there, this, however is easier said than done...you see Deep Forest was, presumably....Haunted!

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Frozen_in_Time
05-17-2008, 12:58 PM
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Chapter 1:


I breathed in the fresh country air and tried to picture what it looked like beyond the mountain that lay before us, a city, a lake or maybe just more woods.
Whatever it was it would have to be home, they had been travelling for days and finally they had come to say that they were tired enough for a rest.
As we passed the mountain I signalled to them to turn around and take a last look at what had taken place as their home for the last two years, a huge forest with more trees in the world that anywhere else...
But they knew that they would come to see many more like them and carried on flying.
Our Pokémon’s wings shimmered in the sunlight, I looked over at Jennifer, she was so beautiful, with her brown - blond hair fallen over her face and sweet smile anyone would like her.
I saw Alex fly right next to me, she was "the other girl in the flock..."I couldn't think that only last year she had caught Pneumonia, she nearly died...I looked at her now and I couldn't tell at all, she had hair almost as dark as the night, brown, but in the dark it turned black.
I flew higher to get up to Jeff, He saw me and winked. I looked at him and he looked at me. He was a handsome one, he had blond hair, tanned skin and blue eyes, he looked like an American model.
I started flying lower signalling to the others that we must land here.

We landed by an old fallen tree and got ready for a good sleep, and just as they were going to rest themselves they heard a twig crack and the silence of the night broke.
"Someone's here," breathed Jeffery, barely audible. I nodded my head and moved silently in front of the rest of the pack; I motioned to get ready for anything...
Just as we were about to let it go a piercing scream broke the air, "Scatter!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. I saw Jennifer flash past me and she gave me a quick, but worried smile.
We all "scattered." I immediately made out for where the scream came from and hoped that the others did too, as I ran through the forest I was sure I saw a flash of white in the sky above me, there goes Jennifer on Togekiss I hoped to myself.
I stopped as another scream shattered my eardrums, it sounded close...too close, I heard a sound and immediately ducked as Alex's Dragonite hurled over me, "Watch out!" I shouted at him, he stuck his tongue out and flew ahead.
Just as I was about to turn around to get Charizard I heard heavy breathing nearby, I bent down and started creeping towards it.
There was a parting in the bushes ahead and I could make out two figures standing there, the one was lying on the floor looking up at the other, He was presumably a man, since he was so large and well built.
He seemed to be threatening the other person, with something shiny and metal, a knife. I noticed she was a girl, she looked almost like Jennifer, but maybe slightly younger. I couldn't help but notice the look of fear in her eyes.
I made a snap decision, I lunged out of the bushes at the man, and at the last second he turned, I saw something in his eyes, something I had never seen before, the emotion I saw was murder.

He held the knife over me and smiled a sick smile, like he was going to enjoy killing me.
"Hello, what have we got here, eh?" he said and his smile grew, "I don't like people pushing their nose in my business!" I stared straight in his eyes.
"What are you doing with her?" I said to him. He looked at the girl as if she was a piece of dirt.
"She stole something...very special from me" he said and he smiled again.
"I...I... didn't..." the girl stammered, I looked at her, "He says I took his...Pokemon, but I never, I only looked after it because he was trying to capture it and sell it for money to a company who experiments on Pokemon!" she said, her voice growing stronger.
I looked at her, feeling sorry for her, she was only trying to save a Pokemon and he was going to kill her! Not while I'm around! "So," I said to the guy, "What would you do if say...I offered you a deal"
I had no idea what I would offer, but I had to get the girl to safety.

"I would say what kind of deal?" said the guy.
"I'll...er...give you some money!" I said hopefully.
The man gave a short, mocking laugh, "You're just a kid, how much money could you have?!" he said.
I considered it and gave a laugh in return, "Enough for a fair bargain," I said, which was true, I had plenty of money, you see, we are not exactly very...lawful...We steal money from wherever we can get it, though of course we only steal from...bad people, so I could really drive a hard bargain!
He seemed slightly interested, considering..."Or,” he said, "I could just kill you!" he gave a big smile and started walking towards me...
"Wait!" I said, "How about we...have a Pokemon battle?" I was sure he wouldn't agree, but you never know!
He looked thoughtful, "Okay, but," he gave a short laugh, "How do you have a Pokemon battle without a Pokemon?!"
I smiled, "Oh I have a Pokemon!" I said, getting nervous, and then I saw Charizard "He's right...there!" I shouted, pointing at him. He looked up and looked like he had found what he was looking for. H flapped his wings and flew next to me; he glared at the man as if he knew how horrible he was.
"Okay," he said and smiled evilly, "Go Blastoise!" Uh, oh...Blastoise was a water Pokemon, Charizard was fire...problem!
He started laughing manically as he popped open a pokeball, a Blastoise taller than me and the man put together, but not as big as Charizard.

"Okay, " I said nervously, "May I go first?"
He seemed to consider it for a moment, and then shook his head, "Blastoise, Skull Bash!" His Blastoise braced itself and rammed into Charizard.
Charizard grimaced, "Use, Wing attack, Charizard!" Charizard flew straight into Blastoise and Blastoise looked angry.
"Blastoise, get it together!" the man shouted, "Use Hydro Pump!" Blastoise stepped up and water flew from its pumps!
"Dodge it Charizard!" I screamed, but I was too late, Charizard staggered back, but stepped forward, though it was clear that it was tiring out.
"Ha, ha, you can't win kid!" the guy said and sniggered. And as much as I didn't want to believe it, it was starting to look true.
"You can do it Charizard!" I said, "Use Flare Blitz!" This was a new move that did a lot of damage, but it hurt Charizard too.
Charizard shot fire out of its mouth, the fire flew around Blastoise singeing its shell, Blastoise roared in pain, but it didn't give up... It was definitely a strong Pokemon.
"See, boy, you will not win!" he sniggered, "Finish it off with another Hydro pump" It looked doomed for Charizard, but then suddenly the man gave a scream and the girl covered her mouth to stop and escaping yell of terror. The evil man whispered, just so that Icarus could hear "Help me......"

I looked through the gap in my fingers and almost laughed at what I saw, I saw a huge heavy Slakoth lying on top of the man.
Then running up behind came Jeffery and Alex with Pidgeot and Dragonite behind them, I saw Jennifer on Togekiss above me.
They saw the man and laughed, even the girl he was threatening was laughing, "What's your name?" I asked her.
At first she seemed scared and the whispered, "Ariel, my name is Ariel." I looked at her, she seemed about our age and was very beautiful, long blond hair and caring blue eyes.
"Hi, Ariel" said Jen, "are you okay?" She looked concerned.
"I am...fine" she said, as if she was unsure, "Is he dead?" she motioned at the man.
"No, just knocked out," I said, "But if it had been a Slaking he would be dead, or have brain damage" I twirled a finger around my ear and she laughed.
"Thank you," she said, "If it wasn't for you I know he would have killed me!" she looked at him, making sure he really was knocked out.
"No problem," I replied, "Just being nice...By the way, where exactly did this guy want to take this Pokemon, of yours?"
She was about to speak, but then the Slakoth that had fallen on the man got up and walked straight to me I looked at it and it looked at me...
"Hi," I said, "How are you?" I said and held out my hand, everyone laughed. It looked at me some more and then fell asleep right at my feet.
"Okaaaaaaaaaay...." I said, "What now?" I asked everyone.
"Let’s keep it!" said Jeffery, who liked all Pokemon.
"Well," I started, and looked at Jennifer and she gave me one of those "Your call" looks that I hated.
"Okay, we keep the lump," I said, "But first," I smiled here, "We need to capture it!"

Jeffry looked at it uncertainly, "Is it...er...able to battle?" he said.
Almost as if it had heard him it turned on its side and tried to stand up.
I stared at it and it stared back, those large blue - brown eyes...
"Okay!" I said, "I am in serious need of a good, fair and FUN battle!"
I took out a Pokeball and threw it in the air; I didn't only have one Pokemon!
Out popped a nice, newly caught Bellossom, I found it when we were at the lake and it stayed with us ever since then, so eventually I caught it for myself. It looked at me and smiled, "Bella!" it said.
Slakoth looked at it and lunged at it. Bellossom dodged easily, "Mega drain it, Bell!" I said to it.
Bellossom basically just stood there and absorbed the damage, but Slakoth didn't look like he was giving up just yet!
He aimed a scratch at it, this time it hit. Bellossom flailed its arms and fell backwards.
"Hang in there, Bell" I said to it, "Use Solarbeam!" This move was new to it and it didn't always work, but this Slakoth didn't look like it would go down easily!
Bellossom started to gather light and it glowed a blinding light, even Slakoth covered its eyes.
Slakoth looked determined as he shot another blow at Bellossom, but Bellossom barely took notice.
Bellossom unleashed her Solarbeam on Slakoth and a light green azure filled the air.
When I opened my eyes I saw Slakoth lying on its side, it had fainted!
I dug in my bag for a Pokeball; I always kept a few on me. I found it and threw...I looked at the light...it was flashing...on, off, on, off, on

.....on!
"YAY!" screamed Jeffery and Alex.
"Yeah!" I said, and we all punched our fists in the air (something we did whenever we got a new Pokemon...weird, I know...)
"So...what now?" asked Alex.

I smiled to myself; this was what I loved best, us all lying around a fire, just relaxing...
"Pity we had to leave Ariel, eh?" said Jennifer.
"We left her because she asked to leave," I said, "It was her choice."
"Well, yeah," Jen agreed, "So where do we go now?" I had been thinking that myself as well...
"I suppose we carry on going where we were going originally, to Deep forest," I replied.
"Okay," Alex said, "Then we set off in the morning?"
"Yup, we go West, East and head for the mountain there," I said and pointed, "Hallowed Heights...."
"Is that what it's called?" asked Jeff.
"Yes, and we need to go right over,"
"How high?" Jen asked.
"Only twenty five thousand feet..." I said.

We set off at 4: 00 AM, it was best flying in the morning!
"I still can't believe we are going to climb a mountain that big!" Alex shouted to me from his Dragonite's back, "Can't we just go around it?"
"No," I said back, "It will be faster over."
Above me Jennifer shouted, "I think we need a break, Togi is getting tired..."
I looked at Charizard, who also seemed in need of a break, "Fine," I said, "land by that lake there."
In an arc motion we nudged all the Pokemon to go there.
I landed and the others next to me, "OK," I said to them, "You can rest for an hour, guys."
"Can I go explore a bit?" Alex asked me,
"Sure, just keep close, kiddo!" I said, I was like that with the younger ones.
"Can I go too?" Jeff asked, smiling.
"Yeah, look after him, Alex!" I shouted as they ran off together.
Jen and me looked at each other and laughed, "You're a good dad to them, Icky" she said. She was one of the few people who could get away with calling me that!
"Oh, Jen, I just look after them! It's no big deal!" I said, starting to feel myself smile. Jen could be so sweet sometimes!
"Oh, Ic, you're so much more than that! You are all they have" Jen said.
"Urrg! Enough with all this mucky stuff!" I said and made a face, Jen laughed, then she kissed me lightly on the cheek, then she went and picked some fruit off some nearby Mango trees.
Then it happened, I would know that scream anywhere, Alex...



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Ch used: Roughly 8, 841K

Thanks!
PS: (GRADED!!!)
;]

Pokemon Trainer Sarah
05-18-2008, 09:48 AM
Story: Icarus, Jennifer, Alex and Jeffery travel the land on their Flying-type Pokemon. They decide to head for Deep Forest, where they have heard that people are experimenting on Pokemon. They land for a rest and hear a scream. Icarus finds a man threatening a girl with a knife for capturing a Pokemon that he wanted to sell. Icarus battles the man in order to save himself and Ariel, but the day is saved by a Slakoth who falls on the bad guy's head, knocking him out.

It was a good story for a simple Pokemon, with an interesting plot. The introduction gave us the basic information on characters and their ages, but I felt you could have structured it a bit differently and combine it with the story a bit more, rather than having a sort of list. For example:

We were a group of kids (Aged at eleven for Jeffery, thirteen for Alex and fourteen for both me and Jennifer) and we travelled from place to place on their "Feathered friends." They included a Pidgeot, Dragonite, Charizard and Togekiss.
Could be something like:
We were a group of kids who travelled from place to place on our feathered friends. Jennifer and I were the oldest at fourteen, while Alex was thirteen and the youngest, Jeffery, was eleven. Our Pokemon included Pidgeot, Dragonite, Charizard and Togekiss.

Otherwise the story was good, well done ^^ I like the title too xD

Grammar/Spelling: There weren't many spelling mistakes or anything, but there were a few places where your grammar made the story a bit confusing.

Okay!" came the answer from Jennifer, Jeffery and Alex, my three friends who he was travelling with on this journey.
Should be "I".

Me and the team obviously did not think that this is at all acceptable and they planned to go there
Should be "we".

I breathed in the fresh country air and tried to picture what it looked like beyond the mountain that lay before them
Should be "us". Unless, Icarus is separate from the rest of the group and is imagining what's before his friends?

It seems like you're switcing perspectives here, so just try to remain consistant throughout the whole story ^^

He seemed to be threatening her, with something shiny and metal, a knife.
You didn't mention that the other person was female, so it's a bit confusing to just say "her" here. Instead you could say "He seemed to be threatening the other person, with something shiny and metal, a knife. I noticed that she was a girl, no older than myself... etc."

"I would say what kind of deal," said the guy.
Since "What kind of deal" is a question, you need a question mark there.
"I would say, what kind of deal?" said the guy.

"Ha, ha, you can't win kid!" the guy said and sniggered, as much as I didn't want to believe it, it was starting to look true...
You can separate that into two sentences.

We set off at 4: 00 AM, it was best flying in the morning!
"Sure, just keep close, kiddo!" I said, I was like that with the younger ones.
These were just missing a comma. I put them in in bold.

Just one more thing; you had paragraphs and such in the right places, but it might be better to double-space them in future because it makes it easier to read than having large blocks of text ^^

Detail/Description: You really need to give at least a physical description of your main characters. The only one you described was Ariel. Remember to also give a small description of each Pokemon you come across. You don't need to describe it from head to foot, but calling Chaizard an 'orange dragon' or something would probably be the least amount of detail you could get away with.

There wasn't much detail about the surroundings either. Just work on describing everything you can picture in your mind when you're telling the story. ^^ Description can make or break a story, so it's important to get it down-pat.

Length: Fine here ^^

Battle: The battle between Charizard and Blastoise was good as it had a variety of moves and Charizard wasn't obliterated just because it had a type weakness. Your battle probably had the best description in your story. ^^
Charizard shot fire out of its mouth, the fire flew around Blastoise singeing its shell,
Try to have detail like that throughout your story and you'll be fine. =]

The problem with this section of your story was that there was no battle between Icarus and the Slakoth. Even though there was a battle in your story, you pretty much have to have a capture battle unless your story is extraordinary in every other section. Simple Pokemon don't require too much effort to capture, at least 3-4 well-described moves per Pokemon or something.

Just remember you can't really say that the Pokemon's been captured in the story ^^;

Outcome: Slakoth not captured. Your story wasn't bad at all, but because of the absence of a battle with Slakoth, I really couldn't give you the capture. Your plot was fine, but you need some more detail/description to bring it to life. Please add some more description, at least of your main characters, and a battle with Slakoth and then feel free to PM me for a regrade. ^^ If you have any questions or anything at all I can help with, then let me know. Good luck ^^

Frozen_in_Time
05-18-2008, 09:50 AM
Story: Icarus, Jennifer, Alex and Jeffery travel the land on their Flying-type Pokemon. They decide to head for Deep Forest, where they have heard that people are experimenting on Pokemon. They land for a rest and hear a scream. Icarus finds a man threatening a girl with a knife for capturing a Pokemon that he wanted to sell. Icarus battles the man in order to save himself and Ariel, but the day is saved by a Slakoth who falls on the bad guy's head, knocking him out.

It was a good story for a simple Pokemon, with an interesting plot. The introduction gave us the basic information on characters and their ages, but I felt you could have structured it a bit differently and combine it with the story a bit more, rather than having a sort of list. For example:


Could be something like:
We were a group of kids who travelled from place to place on our feathered friends. Jennifer and I were the oldest at fourteen, while Alex was thirteen and the youngest, Jeffery, was eleven. Our Pokemon included Pidgeot, Dragonite, Charizard and Togekiss.

Otherwise the story was good, well done ^^ I like the title too xD

Grammar/Spelling: There weren't many spelling mistakes or anything, but there were a few places where your grammar made the story a bit confusing.


Should be "I".


Should be "we".


Should be "us". Unless, Icarus is separate from the rest of the group and is imagining what's before his friends?

It seems like you're switcing perspectives here, so just try to remain consistant throughout the whole story ^^


You didn't mention that the other person was female, so it's a bit confusing to just say "her" here. Instead you could say "He seemed to be threatening the other person, with something shiny and metal, a knife. I noticed that she was a girl, no older than myself... etc."


Since "What kind of deal" is a question, you need a question mark there.
"I would say, what kind of deal?" said the guy.


You can separate that into two sentences.


These were just missing a comma. I put them in in bold.

Just one more thing; you had paragraphs and such in the right places, but it might be better to double-space them in future because it makes it easier to read than having large blocks of text ^^

Detail/Description: You really need to give at least a physical description of your main characters. The only one you described was Ariel. Remember to also give a small description of each Pokemon you come across. You don't need to describe it from head to foot, but calling Chaizard an 'orange dragon' or something would probably be the least amount of detail you could get away with.

There wasn't much detail about the surroundings either. Just work on describing everything you can picture in your mind when you're telling the story. ^^ Description can make or break a story, so it's important to get it down-pat.

Length: Fine here ^^

Battle: The battle between Charizard and Blastoise was good as it had a variety of moves and Charizard wasn't obliterated just because it had a type weakness. Your battle probably had the best description in your story. ^^

Try to have detail like that throughout your story and you'll be fine. =]

The problem with this section of your story was that there was no battle between Icarus and the Slakoth. Even though there was a battle in your story, you pretty much have to have a capture battle unless your story is extraordinary in every other section. Simple Pokemon don't require too much effort to capture, at least 3-4 well-described moves per Pokemon or something.

Just remember you can't really say that the Pokemon's been captured in the story ^^;

Outcome: Slakoth not captured. Your story wasn't bad at all, but because of the absence of a battle with Slakoth, I really couldn't give you the capture. Your plot was fine, but you need some more detail/description to bring it to life. Please add some more description, at least of your main characters, and a battle with Slakoth and then feel free to PM me for a regrade. ^^ If you have any questions or anything at all I can help with, then let me know. Good luck ^^
Okay, I will edit it, thanks :]
EDIT: I have now fully re-edited it :]

Pokemon Trainer Sarah
05-19-2008, 11:02 AM
You did a great job editing everything I asked for. Well done ^_^ I'm happy to say that Slakoth is captured! Have fun with the lazy sloth.

Frozen_in_Time
05-19-2008, 01:06 PM
You did a great job editing everything I asked for. Well done ^_^ I'm happy to say that Slakoth is captured! Have fun with the lazy sloth.

Yay, thank you Sarah!