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Spychu
05-18-2005, 12:19 AM
NOW READY TO BE GRADED.

OoC.// Yay. My first story. Ever. So don’t be too hard on me. ;) –winks- Oh, and some notice before I start. My friends have critiqued this a bit, so I tweaked it here and there, but there were two things that I wouldn’t changed, no matter how hard the groaned. Those two things were Thundre the Raichu and Retaliate the black Espeon. You see, before I ever got into the games, or RP, fanfics, or even URPG, I liked drawing Pokemon. Soon I came up with my own characters, Thundre and Retaliate. People may say Thundre is too human, but that’s just her. I created her like that ages ago. And Retaliate is a shiny Espeon. But she isn’t green. She’s black. I created Retaliate right when I started playing Crystal. Thundre I came up with when I started watching the T.V. series. So no matter how you might say that Azzie and Silver’s Pokemon are a bit odd and I should alter them for the story, I won’t. Because Thundre and Retaliate are my original characters (besides the fact that Nintendo people are © to Raichu and Espeon) and they are going to stay original.

Ok. Enough of my ranting. ^^; On with the story! (End of OoC)



New Beginnings…

It was Friday, May 13th. A normal girl of eleven would normally sleep in until… Well, it varies, but around twelve pm. But of course, this was not a normal day. This was a new beginning. A new beginning in a chapter of a new generation of trainers…

The alarm rang at Eight A.M. There was a muffled groan as a hand reached out and slapped the alarm clock off the desk onto the floor. It was way to early. She pulled the covers over her head and then she remembered. Her journey would start today. With that, the girl rushed into comfortable clothes, and burst out the door to the Pokemon Lab in Littleroot.
Adrienne Ascorde was a girl of eleven from a long line of prestigious Champions and Masters of siblings. There were 11 Ascorde children in all. Adrienne, who hadn’t even started, Carrie, who started last year, and was a rather a klutz and preferred competing in Contests rather than Battles, there was Cazzie, Carrie’s twin, who was the total opposite and was a graceful battler. Then there was Azzie, a Champion of the Elite Four, and a Master of the Kanto Region. Azzie was known for her killer team, and her scary, black Espeon, Retaliate. Azzie was twins with Alex, not as profound as Azzie, but pretty close. Alongside Azzie almost all the way was Silver, also a Champion of the Hoenn Elite Four, and know for her great Contests. Silver’s lead, and by her side like Azzie’s Retaliate, was Thundre, a Raichu that seemed more human than an electric mouse. There was Harold and Kevin, who were somewhere out in the Hoenn and Kanto region, and haven’t been in contact. Then there was Mike, David, and Samantha. All Masters and Mistress of the Johto region, all triplets, and Elite Dragon Trainers. Adrienne wanted to live up to her siblings, to show them that she, the baby of the family, could do something.
Adrienne raced out the door, her hair flowing behind her. She had long, chestnut, curly hair that fell a bit past her shoulders. A white bandanna pulled it back. She wore a plain, turquoise blue shirt, and khaki pants. Her backpack was lime green and went around her waist. There was a look of sole determination in her eyes, for her goal was to show her older sisters that she could do something great. Her goal was to be Champion of Hoenn. She threw open the door and was amazed to see her two older sisters, Azzie and Silver there instead of Birch.
“Where is Professor Birch?” Adrienne asked, questioningly. Her sisters laughed.
“You silly, he’s out doing fieldwork.” Silver said. Thundre, her Raichu, stood at her side. Thundre wore a purple bandanna and carried a wooden staff, for who knows why. Rumors had it that Thundre could speak human, but Adrienne doubted that.
“Silver, don’t be too hard on her, she didn’t know.” Azzie said, her black Espeon, Retaliate, on her shoulder. Adrienne shivered. “Besides, today’s our little sister’s special day. Wouldn’t want to ruin it.” Azzie winked.
Silver nodded, so did Thundre. “Which is why we picked out a special Pokemon just for you.”
“You picked it out for me?” Adrienne groaned. It would probably be something stupid, like a Magikarp. They all knew she wanted a Mudkip.
“Now don’t get all moaning about it, we think you’ll like it.” Azzie said, and motioned to Retaliate and Thundre. Go get the Luxury Ball that’s sitting on the cushion in the room where Professor Birch keeps the Pokemon. The two obliged, and raced off to see who’d get it first.
Silver nodded. “I found it back awhile ago, but I don’t need anymore to my team.” Silver said, as Thundre rushed in triumphantly, holding the Luxury Ball, with Retaliate close behind, sulking. “So we all decided we would give it to you.” Silver placed the Luxury ball in Adrienne’s right hand. It was nice and cool.
“Throw it, Adrienne.” Azzie beckoned, with Retaliate back on her shoulder.
“Ok…” Adrienne said, rather nervous at what it might be. “Here it goes.” She threw it out into the air, and it opened. A flash of white light appearedout of it and formed a Pokemon.
A Vulpix. Adrienne knew what it was, but something seemed different about it. Especially when a series of gold stars flashed around it. Then Adrienne realized that it was gold instead of a fiery red. Then she caught on. It was a Shiny Vulpix!
The Vulpix sniffed then air, and then went over to Adrienne. She looked her up and down, and then looked up at Adrienne with disdain.
“I don’t think he… Or she… I don’t know… Well, the Vulpix doesn’t like me.” Adrienne said.
“It will in due time.” Silver said. “And by the way, it is a girl.”
“Which is why you should give it a nice nickname.” Azzie said, smiling. She was happy her youngest sister could finally begin her journey.
Adrienne was quite fluent in French. “I’ll name it… Évaser. It means Flaring in French.” She said. The Vulpix, now Évaser, even seemed to like that name.
“I like it.” Silver said. “I make up a bunch of mumbo jumbo like Zaeie and Thundre.” Silver said, referring to her Latias and Raichu. “Where as my little sister over there used the Dictionary.” Silver said, Adrienne giggled.
“Retaliate means ‘revenge’, you know.” Azzie said, snappily.
“Well, Adrienne, you’d better get going.” Silver said with a sigh. “Here are a couple Premier Balls, we saved them just for you. They’re like Pokeballs, they just look different.”
“Speaking of which, I better get back to the Kanto region. It takes a couple days to fly here and back.” Azzie said. “Good luck, Adrienne. From me, Silver, and all our other sibs out there.” Azzie said, and she and Silver waved goodbye, as Adrienne started on the path to her journey.

Spychu
05-19-2005, 12:35 AM
Adrienne wandered about the area, heading on her way to Oldale, so she could get some items then be on her way to Petalburg. She couldn’t wait to start her Gym League Challenge. But soon while walking she realized that Évaser alone wouldn’t be able to defeat a Gym. So she began to wonder. How would she do it? She would need a better team. She would need a water Pokemon. “But where to find one?” Adrienne asked herself aloud in the open field. She sat down by at tree and a pool of water and let Évaser out. The shiny she-Vulpix shook her fur, her golden body letting out a shower of sparkling loose fur on Adrienne. “ÉVASER!” She cried, and laughed. The Vulpix shook herself once more, and lay down by the pool of water to nap. Adrienne was about to also dose off, as it was rather peaceful, when she heard a cry.
“Marill! Marill!” And Adrienne immediately woke up to find Évaser in battle position, ready to take on a wild Marill. What was even more, the Marill, like Évaser, was a shiny! Adrienne gulped. It would be her first, battle, and her first chance to catch, or practice. Would Évaser listen? Adrienne began to think out loud, her muttering making Évaser and the wild Marill look at her. The shine in Évaser’s eyes gave Adrienne a new wave of confidence, and the battle began.
“Ok, Évaser, let’s make this work!” Adrienne said, and she tucked her chocolate brown curls behind her ear, to help her concentrate on the battle. Adrienne then began to recall the moves of a Vulpix. “Let’s see… Can’t use Ember or Flamethrower, that wouldn’t quite do…Oh, wait, I know… Évaser, use Quick Attack now!” Adrienne said, beads of sweat appearing on her forehead.
Évaser reared up, and then burst out in a blur of speed, it looked as if there was a little golden flash about the area, and it hit Marill. Bull’s-eye! Right in the stomach.
The Marill seemed angry and disappointed that it never got the chance to move. Adrienne knew something was going to happen when Marill inhaled deeply, and a stream of blue, bright blob things came out of the Marill’s mouth. It was a Bubblebeam attack! Adrienne bit her lip.
“Évaser, evade!” She cried, but it was too late. The Bubblebeam was a direct hit, sending Évaser flying into a tree. “Évaser!! Are you okay?” Adrienne said. Things weren’t looking good, Évaser’s once-golden fur was not matted and dirty from the fight, and Adrienne was about with withdraw the Luxury Ball and call her beloved Vulpix back, but there was a light shining in Évaser’s eyes, a shine that said “I’m not giving up, no matter how hard, long, or mind-boggling this is, I’m not giving up.” And Adrienne put the Ball away. There was one last shot.
“Évaser, use Will-O-Wisp! It’ll burn Marill!” Adrienne said, hopefully. The flame burned inside Évaser at over 1000 Degrees Celsius, and a line of blue, purple-ish fire exploded at massive amounts from Évaser’s mouth. The flame encircled Marill, leaving it burned black.
“Now, one more Quick Attack!” Adrienne called out, and as Évaser reared up and sprinted in a flash of gold, Adrienne withdrew one of the Premiere Balls her sisters gave her. When Adrienne looked up, the Marril crashed against a rock, and Évaser nodded. Adrienne threw the Premiere Ball.
“Oh, I can’t look!” She said to herself, and turned around. When she could bear to wonder if she caught it no longer, she turned around and saw…


OoC and Author's Note.// This is my first story. ^^; Yeah, I know the battle part was sort of weird, but hey, I'm trying. Critique me as you like, I would hope to get better! -Spychu

MystiKal
05-19-2005, 03:13 AM
Story-Typical story, pretty good could use some more detail on the area around where you fought Marill and where you came from. Also it would help if the story was a post longer.

Reality-Seemed pretty realistic but I doubt a Vulpix could beat a Marill that easily.

Spelling/Grammer-Was good didn't find many mistakes, but please use paragraphs it's much easier to read and looks a lot better.

Battle-This is what hurt you, the battle was way to short. You even had a type disadvantage which means the battle should have been long and really detailed.

Outcome-NOT CAPTURED.

Tips-Make the story more detailed and longer, and legthen the battle and make it detailed and I'll regrade it and see what you have done with it.