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View Full Version : ~~Minase's Journey~~ [[Ready To Grade]]


Ryusu Miyamona
05-31-2005, 11:07 PM
STORY-

In the little town of Rustboro Town a boy named Minase Miyamona got his first pokemon, Torchic on his 16th birthday from the local, town professor. He destines to become a pokemon master, and to beat his rival Daisuke Miyamona who is his brother. Minase's father is one of the Elite Four, and hopes to fight him as well. Minase also is destined to capture all of the Legendaries, and get into the Pokemon League. Minase was an adopted orphan,. Both of his parents died during the raid in Lilycove City cause by Team Magma, and Team Aqua as they joined forces awhile back. Afterwards he was brainwashed by Professor Birch as he was forced too so he would forget the death of his parents. Minase knows nothing about this, but his step parents do. Minase seeks to find his past. How will he react to the death of his actual parents?



Chapter 1

Minase woke up to see his alarm clock. "8:30!" he said as he looked at his clock. "I overslept again..." he said as he already had his clothes on. "I wonder what me, and Torchic are gonna do today." he said as he grabbed his pokeball with an etched flame, symbol on the front. "Hey, mom I'm gonna go to Route 140, and catch me some pokemon." he said as he walked to the door.

"Okay, but make sure you don't get hurt." she said as she gave him his bag, and bid him farewell with a kiss. "I hope he doesn't run into Daisuke like last time." she said as she looked out the window worried as she looked back at her Pikachu.

Minase walked through the grassy, fields as he could feel the breeze blowing lightly through his silky, crimson, hair. "That feels so good...." Minase looked around to feel disappointed that there were no pokemon around.

Minase held a pokeball, and walked onwards to the next town Oldale Town, and find the first gym. "I wonder what the gym leader specializes in?" he said as he looked around to see many trainers battling eachother, and capturing pokemon. Minase ran to the far end of a lake not far from the exit point of Route 140, and decided to wash his face, and Torchic did the same.

"My dad is going to be proud of me when he faces me face-to-face in the Elite Four! But first I must earn all my badges first..." he said, and sighed as he was too caught up in going to the pokemon league.

Minase handed Torchic some berries. "Chirp, Chirp Torchic!" Torchic chirped happily being praised by its trainer. "Torchic its time to go!" Minase said as he pet Torchic on it head. He, and Torchic headed down Route 140 onwards to Oldale Town.

Minase walked slowly down the dirt, road looking around the tall, grass he spotted what seemed to be a small, grass type pokemon with a large tail. It's green skin blended in so well with the surrounding grass that Minase had to take a double take. It was a Treeko!!!

"Torchic, now is your chance Ember!" he ordered as he waited to see if it would knock Treeko out.

Torchic then ran towards the small, agile little pokemon, and expelled a small flame from its mouth, and burned its side. Treeko then iggrivated leaped onto a tree, and pounded its large tail into Torchic's face. "Tor-Torchic..." Torchic chirped, and shook it off as he was in a daze.

Treeko then put its stick back in its mouth as it waited for Torchic's next move. "That Treeko is so cunning...I've never seen anything like it." he said in awe. "Torchic, Peck now!!!" he commanded.

Torchic then pecked Treeko on the head rapidly as the Treeko tried to endure the severe damage that had been done. "Treeko!!!" Treeko yelled madly as it absorbed some of Treeko's health by performing Absorb.

Minase sprayed Torchic with a potion to restore approximately 20% of its health. "Torchic don't let his speed distract you!" he said as he tried to keep Torchic focused.

Torchic nodded, and started to keep a decent, defence against the rapid, attacks that were thrown at him.

"Torchic, now do Ember again!" he ordered the fire, bird as it scorched the grass pokemon.

Treeko then leaped up, and lashed its tail into Torchic's face sending it flying.
"Treeko!!!" Treeko yelled as it smashed its tail into it again.

Torchic landed on its feet, and did Tackle, and knocked it into a tree, and then did Ember to keep it stunned awaiting its orders.

Ryusu Miyamona
06-01-2005, 12:10 AM
"Treeko...Treeko..." Treeko whispered in pain as he performed Endure to keep barely any health left so he could try to keep the battle going.

Then Torchic looked back at Minase. "Torchic?" Torchic was curious wondering what he was ordered to do next.

"Torchic we have to find a way to keep him from eluding our attacks..." he said as he had no ideas left.

Treeko got back up, and tackled Torchic blowing the little, bird across the dirt, road. "Treeko..." Treeko whispered again trying to keep from fainting.

"Tor..." Torchic chirped in pain as it struggled to get itself back up. Torchic then stood up after being knocked into another daze.

"Torchic we might be able to use the environment around us to defeat Treeko." Minase said finally getting an idea. "The environment can be our advantage." he said smiling with hope in his heart that he might be able to win. We'll just have to find out. "Torchic use Peck on the tree Treeko is on to knock it down!" he commanded.

Torchic then pecked away at the thin, wood as the tree fell along with Treeko who crashed into the ground.

"Yes! It's working!" he said, and smiled as he knew he had L-U-C-K on him.
"Keep the progress up! We have to destroy the objects Treeko is using or is hiding in to get rid of his defense." he said as he had Torchic knock down another tree which crashed onto Treeko who luckily hasn't fainted yet.

Treeko then tossed a log towards Torchic to throw it off balance. "Treeko!! Tre!" it yelled in anger as it wanted this perilous, battle to end here, and know hid in the grassy, fields as it swiftly, and steathly moved across the grassy, plains.

"Oh no you don't!!!" Minase yelled as he ordered Treeko to do Ember on the grass causing it to burn up leaving Treeko know place to hide. Then Treeko leaped, and punched Torchic. "Agh...this isn't going so well...I should've bought a Treeko at the GameCorner while my mother gave me the chance..." he said as he was trying to keep focus on the elusive, pokemon.

"Torchic! Torchic! Torchic! Torchic!!!!" It yelled as hurriedly performed a Take Down attack sending Treeko to the hard, dirty, ground as Torchic too minorly damaged itself as it hit with recoil.

Still the fiesty, little, critter just wouldn't give up. "Treeko!!!" It yelled as it tackled rapidly, and pounded its tail into Torchic as it helplessly couldn't defend itself.

"Don't give up now Torchic!!!" he yelled as tears welled up in his eyes. "You've got concentrate, and focus where he is attacking! He must have a weak spot!" he cried as he tried to keep track of where Treeko was himself.

Ryusu Miyamona
06-01-2005, 12:24 AM
"Torchic give it all you've got, and take him down!" he cried again as he readied his pokeball.

Torchic nodded trying not to disappoint Minase, and did Tackle to keep Treeko down, and scorched him with Ember giving Treeko another burn on the face.

Treeko's got up as he it was enraged, and furiously tackled Torchic against a tree. "Treeko!!!" it yelled as it looked at the fire, pokemon to see if it fainted.

Torchic growled at the grass, pokemon to lower Treeko's attack power, and hopped, and kicked Treeko with it's long, talons as it was a critical, attack.

"Torchic, don't use Flamethrower yet that will be our finishing move!" he said as he stopped Torchic to give it a sweet, blue, berry an Oran Berry to restore 10% of its physical health to last this battle to be the victor.

Torchic then looked to see Treeko getting up again, and bashed it into the tree to make sure it flinched. "Torchic!" it chirped, and pecked it twice.

"Now Torchic for the grand finale!!! Flamethrower!!!" he commanded as he held his pokeball hoping he could end this battle, and move on.

Torchic took three steps back, and charged up so it could be super effective, and make Treeko faint. Torchic pecked the ground, and leaped high into the air, and expelled a furiously, large amount of fire, and caused a line of rocks to hover into the air the flames were so strong as it blinded Treeko cause of the stong, thermal heat as it had burns all over its body.

"Treeko...Treeko...Treeko..." Treeko whispered as it feel to the ground unconscious, and laid there breathless.

Minase waited for a few minutes to make sure Treeko wouldn't get back up especially from an intense attack like Torchic's Flamethrower. Minase smiled as he kicked his pokeball into the air, and caught it, and tossed with his right, arm, and watched in awe as the pokeball hit the pokemon on the forehead as the ball wiggled, and wriggled a few times as as the red, light emitted from the middle section of the pokeball. One...Two..Three....Did Minase catch it?

Jack of Clovers
06-01-2005, 07:33 AM
this story is going to be held for Finglonger and his Grader Test. he will test grade then i will give my official grade after that.

also note, please don't put {Ready for Grade} in your title. thanks. :wink:

~Jack~

Finglonger
06-04-2005, 06:10 PM
story- typical wake up late story, not anything special here. But I suppose it gets the job done..There wasn't much background to tell you the truth and it really hurt the story. Also you made a little note at the tope about Minase's history, yet during the story I never heard anything about that, you probably want to continue it on in another story, but it would have been nice to have seen some indication about his past. Anything to take away from the mediocrity of the storyline.

spelling/grammar- eh nothing that serious. You use commas way to liberally..I mean not every sentence needs a pause.


he said as he grabbed his pokeball with an etched flame, symbol on the front.

Minase walked through the grassy, fields as he could feel the breeze blowing lightly through his silky, crimson, hair


started to keep a decent, defence against the rapid, attacks that were thrown at him.



you did that a lot...that was just a small sample.

basic things like that, also a few spelling errors. The comma thing kind of bugged me, but it didn't ruin the story too much. Treeko=Treecko btw

Realism- eh It could happen, I rather like the way you allowed treecko to put up a good fight

Battle- the battle was pretty good, actually. I wouldn't have minded a little bit longer, but for a first story it gets the job done. Pretty good details, decent battle, you've got this area covered.

length-as I said before the battle was long enough, but just barely. The background story was way too short. only 492 words until you run into Treecko, and most of that was pretty boring and predictable.

Outcome- Treecko not captured. I could have overlooked the lack of story had the battle been phenomenal, but it wasn't. Lengthen the background story, add some details..you know spruce it up a bit..and you'll have it.

Tamer San
06-04-2005, 06:36 PM
Good luck both of you, Ruysu in the story and Fing in the test. :wink:

Jack of Clovers
06-06-2005, 01:53 AM
Ryusu- don't put [Ready To Grade] in your title please.

Story:
i like the idea you create with the small intro at the start. i wonder what will happen to Minase. thought, your pre-story before the battle was too short. you need to add lots more. introduce more characters? introduce more background?

grammer:
Finglonger covered the commas. also, capitalize Pokemon, Pokeball and anything Pokemon related.
Minase handed Torchic some berries. "Chirp, Chirp Torchic!" Torchic chirped happily being praised by its trainer. "Torchic its time to go!" Minase said as he pet Torchic on it head. He, and Torchic headed down Route 140 onwards to Oldale Town.

Pokemon and Human actions get their own Paragraph. so it would look like this:
Minase handed Torchic some berries.
"Chirp, Chirp Torchic!" Torchic chirped happily being praised by its trainer.
"Torchic its time to go!" Minase said as he pet Torchic on it head. He, and Torchic headed down Route 140 onwards to Oldale Town.

detail:
more. how old is Minase? what kind of clothes does he wear? what color is his house? give those description and show the reader what you see. details will give you depth and a stronger story (and lengthier). describe everything you can.

battle:
well done, better than most members first story. impresive.

realty:
can and will happen, though borring.

tips:
add more detail and adds more story before you get to the battle. and for Treecko, i'd say about double the length overall for a better chance at capture.

Outcome- Treecko Not Captured!

Finglonger- good work. Pass!

~Jack~