View Full Version : RED's adventure!

PKMN Trainer RED
06-02-2005, 11:07 PM
"AHHHHH!!" yelled RED waking up from a dream. It was early morning of friday, RED got his first pokemon yesterday by Professer Oak, a pokemon researcher. RED got out of bed to looked around and couldn't find his Pichu! "Craaaaap!!! I finaly get a pokemon and now I lose him!! Zappy!! Where are you!?!" RED said, he then stepped on a tail of some sort and got a jolt of electricity. He fell to the ground and saw he accidentaly stepped on Zappy's tail, "Oops sorry about that Zappy, I was looking for you." RED said, Zappy smiled back and ran over to his dresser trying to tell him to get dressed. "Fine if you say so hehe." Red said as he got dressed and went down stairs with Zappy on his hat and sat at the table both eatting before they went out. "Hmm wonder where mom is? I really want to say goodbye before I leave huh Zappy?" RED said. They finished their food and when up stairs to get packed, "Can't forget about the pokeballs, if we want to be champs we gotta catch a lot of em." Red and Zappy went down stairs, RED still didn't see his mother but when he opened the door to outside he saw his mother and her and RED's friends waiting to see him off. "Good luck on your journey RED!!" said one friend, "We'll be waiting for your return as champion!!" said another.

"Thanks guys, and mom ...I.....will....umm..miss you." RED said as he looked around hile he said it. They huged and said their goodbyes and headed out of pallet town, their first stop was pewter city to start their gym league challenge. They went through the grass and saw a wild poochyena laying there asleep, "This is gonna be easy, pokeball go!!" RED said as he threw it and the poochyena awoke and dodged it, "Zappy go!" Zappy ran into action and used tail whip as his first attack, the poochyena was hit and countered with a tackle attack and hit Zappy and he fell to the ground. Zappy got back up and attacked with a thunder shock attack hitting it and weakened it, the poochyena attacked and bit Zappy, Zappy yelled in pain then RED told him to use thunder wave, it paralyzed the pokemon and it fell to the ground. RED ran over to Zappy to check if he was alright and looked at the wild pokemon, he threw a pokeball at it.

Daniella Defines Divinity
06-04-2005, 12:01 PM
Story - Really short, and it's so average. You need to expand on it a little more, it's ok as a story but there's hardly any of it.

Detail - There was a distinct lack of this, you need to describe everything, I have no idea what you look like for starters, and also attacks what do they look like? What does your room look like? etc

Spelling/Grammar - The words themselves aren't bad, but you're layout is very bad. Everytime a different person speaks there should be a new paragraph. Putting all that speach in one paragraph made it hard to follow

Realism - Nothing wrong here, it's typical pokemon.

Battle - It's tiny, you definately need to extend it a bit, describe all the attacks and add some more attacks. Remember all pokemon in URPG are level 100 so that means your enemies too.

Length - Definately needs to be longer, if you describe everything then that should definately add some length to it anf bulk it up a little.

Outcome - Not caputred, it's just to short. Like I said, bulk it out a bit, and tell me when you're done so I can regrade it, hope my criticism helped :)

PKMN Trainer RED
06-04-2005, 09:50 PM
Not to be rude but it didn't, I suck at writing stories so I guess I am stuck buying pokemon lol. :oops:

Daniella Defines Divinity
06-04-2005, 10:17 PM
lol it's ok, but you should always try. If you think you suck, and aren't gonna try to improove then you'll always suck XP

Anyway goodluck in battles etc ^_^