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View Full Version : The start of a great adventure! (Part 1)


FrozenChaos
06-07-2005, 04:56 PM
WARNING! :eek: VERY FUNNY MOMENTS MAY BE IN THIS STORY!! :rolleyes: READ WITH CAUTION!!


One morring Iona, a young twelve and a half year old girl with sandy brown shoulder length hair and pacific blue eyes who lives in Celadon City was sleeping all stretched out and lazy in her bed. She was waring her favorite pajamas, electirc yellow with Jolteons all over them. It matched her Jolteon bedspread, and room. :oops: When all of a sudden, tick, tick, tick, RINNNNNGGGG!!!
"Ahh!!!" Iona screamed as she fell out her yellow bed with a big thump.
"Ugh!... Stupid alarm clock. :susp: " she mutters angrly.
"This should do the trick," Iona said as she walked over to the window and opened it. Then she grabs the Pokeball alarm clock and chucks it out the window.
"Yay!" she says stupidly.
"Sta-aaar!" yawns Iona and falls back, :sleepy: lazyly on her messed up bed. Star, her Eevee, came running into her room looking very excited.
"What ya got there, Starry?" Star was holding a letter and was jumping up and down very hyper like. Iona took the letter from the very up-jumpy Pokemon.
"Ugg... Poke-spit. :tongue:" she wiped off the spit on her pajama bottoms and opened the Glitter Mail.
"Oh my gosh! Star, It's from Arith!! Hey wait a minute! Did you trade your self again?!" Iona face beamed with suspision then happiness. Arith was her long lost friend in the Hoenn Region. Arith had long drak brown hair and hazel-green eyes. She and Iona had been friends for... *counts fingers* ...for a really long time. :eek: The letter read:

Dear Iona,
I got a Mudkip from Professor Birch! It's so cute! And it evolved, I'm so happy! Anyway the reason I'm writing is because I'm going to vist the Kanto Region for the summer! I'll be waiting to catch Pokemon with you in Fushia City this Friday at noon! See you soon!
Arith

"Wow! Friday at noon! What's today?" :confused: Iona asks as she looks under the bed for the calander, she sits right back up and looks at Star.
"What's a Mudkip?" she asks Star. She gets back down on her floor witch obviously had Jolteons on it, and looked under the bed, where she keeps all her school stuff.
"Ah-ha! Here it is!" As she looks at the calander, with Joltons on it :tongue: ,and glances at her watch. Star goes on over to sit beside Iona, obviously calmed down by now. A streak of horror goes down Iona's spine.
"Oh no! Arith is gonna be here in fifteen minutes and I'm not even dressed!" yelled Iona standing up looking at her pajamas.
"Starry! Hurry and get my back pack and bring it to me, while I get dressed!" Star jumps up on the bed and walks over to the Jolteon shaped dresser, and grabs the Pokeball shaped bag with her teeth.
"Eevee eev!" Star said droping the bag at Iona's feet.
"Are they any Pokeballs in it?" Iona asks as she rampages through her room to find a matching outfit.
"Eevee eev!" replys Star. As she dashes down stairs and almost out the kitchen door, her mom askes her
"And where do you think your going?"
"Uhh.... F-fushia City?" studders Iona, afraid she won't be able to go. She swallows hard, fear stuck in her throat.
"Not on foot your not!:naughty: Take the bike in the shed outside, you can use that one :wink: "
A sigh of releif came over Iona as she happily walked out the door and went around to the side of the house to the shed.
"I can't see a thing! Star use Flash!" she called to Star who very obedinently used Flash, and the entire room filled with light, at witch she got the bike.

Ten minutes later she's dressed in a green shirt with Pikachu on it and black bell bottoms and heading down cycling road. Star is hiding inside Iona's warm backpack wile Iona herself is freezing going at such a speed down a very long slope.
"Lucky you, Star!" she yells over the loud wind, beating in her ears. She desperitly turns to avoid a pond and wipes her forehead.
"Eeveeee!!" replys Star who is barely heard when Iona is just about down at the bottom of the slope, where she can finally rest after going so fast on that bike of hers.
"Next time I'm gonna walk! It's much less scarier!" Star nooded and went deeper into the bag so she could be protected. And after speeding down that long breath-taking ride they made it down
"Woohoo! We made it Star!" Iona takes Star out of her little backpack and hugs her.
"Now! Lets go see Arith!" Iona picks up the bike and walks inside Fushia's Pokemon Center and looks around, still holding Star. She dose not see Airth however.
"Oh she's not here yet" she says and sits down in a green chair facing a lady behide a counter with pink hair. Iona puts Star in her bag when she hears the door open.

FrozenChaos
06-07-2005, 06:17 PM
"Iona!" calls a fimilar voice from behind. She puts Star in her bag, Star really likes it by the way.
"Arith!" Iona yells running toward Arith who is wearing a red shirt with a Pokeball on it and blue jeans. Iona then very exitedly asks,
"You've got to tell me! What is the Hoenn Region like!?"
"It's wonderfull! There are more towns though, but theres a department store like Celadon's!"
"What's it called?"
"Lillycove, remarkable city that is. Hey do you want to go catch Pokemon?"
"Sure, but where will we go?" Iona pondered.
"How about Viridian Forest?" Arith suggested.
"Yeah like how are we suppose to get there?"
"Follow me and I will show you," Arith lead Iona outside of the Pokemon Center and in front of the Gym. "Let me introduce, my Pokemon! Go Marshtomp and Taillow!" Arith threw the Pokeballs high and out came Marshtomp and Taillow who looked a bit unaware of there enviorment.
"That still dosen't tell me haw we're suppose to get to Viridian..." :neutral: Iona said gloomly.
"Oh yeah! I forgot the fun part!" Arith said doing a stupid dance. :dance: Iona's eyes widen :eek: and she replys "You forgot the 'fun part'?" Iona's voice turns flat, "What is the 'fun part'?"
"Oh just a little something like this: Taillow, bring us to Viridan by using Fly!" And they all fly to Viridian, thanks to Taillow.

After Taillow flies to Viridan bringing Arith and Iona with her Arith glares in the window of a Pokemart.
"What are you looking at?" asks Iona in an 'And I care why?' sorta way.
Arith sighs.
"Oh nothing, now to the Forest!" Arith said happily pointing to the forest, but Iona just stared at her looking like this :eh: .
"Eh, I might as well make the best out of it," she said walking slowly toward the forest. "but I'll race ya!" she finshed and dashed off toward the forest.
"Hey! You cheated!" Arith yelled running after her, and tried to catch up with her but, Iona had gotten to much of a head start. Iona had now entered the Forest and had stoped.
"Wow! It's so big! :shocked: " Iona said energeticly as Arith came panting in, walking with a huge slouch. There were big trees all around them and a large nest was in one of them to left.
"No........ duh, ......Iona." :rolleyes: Arith said breathing heavily as she looked up. There was a clearing in frount of them, a small one but a clearing nevertheless. They were small paths around them too. It was dark and quite, and looked as if people go in but they dont come back out. It was muddy and a few bushes here and there but nothing else exept for some small paths that led :eek: who knows where.
"Wow! It... is ....... big!" Iona laughed softly and put her bag on a big slanted rock as Arith look around in amazment. Iona started to walk around to find Pokemon and when she started to go down one of the paths she triped over something and fell face first in some mud.
"AHHH!" Iona screamed as she fell in the mud pile. At that point Arith looked around and started to laugh histaricly.
"I meant to do that!" Iona yelled; her shaking hand pointing above her head, and Arith's stomach started to hurt as a result form laughing so much and falling on the ground because of it. Star had been sleeping in Iona's bag and woke up by her scream. She jumped out of the bag and slid down the rock to see what all the commotion was about. And while they weren't looking a flock of Pidgey came around and stole a pack of gum and the only Pokeball Iona had and flew away. The nerve of them! :biggrin:
"Eev?" Star said as she looks to see her trainer covered in mud but runs off to play with a Metapod.
"Right, Iona. Thats why you happen to scream before you fell! Haha!" replyed Arith who laughed wile she said that entire sentence.
"Yeah, yeah very funny, but what did I trip over?" she asked Arith who couldn't answer because, well... she was still laughing. :snooty:Iona started to wipe of the mud and stood up, trying to clean herself off. Iona then looked up and down and all around where she fell at, untill she saw a little Weedle, coming out of a small bush, eating a leaf.

"Arith! I found a Weedle! Think I should catch it?" Iona asked and looked at Arith who had thankfully stoped laughing.
"A Weedle? Why would you want a... a Weedle?!" she asked Iona as she came over and started poking the poor Weedle with a stick.
"Don't poke it!" :doh: Iona said when she took the stick and threw it over her sholder.
"C'mon over here Star! Show me what you can do!" Iona called, ready to start a battle.

FrozenChaos
06-08-2005, 07:09 PM
Star came running to show her loyalty to her trainer and got ready to battle.
"I can't believe your gonna catch a bug!" :susp: Arith complained, and started looking for Pokemon for her to battle.

"Go Star! Use Quick Attack!" Iona ordered Star. Star crouched low to the ground about to pounce on her unsuspecting victim, the needle, no the Weedle! Then she charges right into the Weedle as if she was in a race, knocking it off its balance.
"I still can't believe she's catching a - HEY! Look! A Catrepie!" Arith says and runs off to catch the Caterpie.
After Star used Quick Attack on the Weedle, it used Poison Sting and indeed it did hit Star but, it didn't poison her.
"Star! crunch it flat with Bite! Or no well... AH! Just use Bite!" and Star accually did. Star bit air twice I guess to get ready but, then charged over to the defensless little bug. Star bit and shook the Weedle fircely and would not let go.
"Star, your being a little over dramitic :sweat: " Iona said as she put her hand on her forehead. Star then let the Pokmon go and went back to Iona. The Pokemon lie there on the ground, flinching.
"Okay! Now hit it with a Quick Attack from behind!" Star charged strate for the little bug and at the last moment jumped clear over it. As the Weedle looked around for its enemy, Star ran right into it so hard that it actually flew forward two feet.
"Yeah thats how to do it Star!" Iona cheered happly but hat was about to change.
"Okay now for that Pokeball, where is it?...." Iona said rumaging through her bag when Star nugged her leg.
"What is it Starry? I'm kinda busy right now." Iona replyed not even looking down. The Weedle flinched neviously behind them again. Would you believe it after what it just went through? Star nugged her harder.
"What Star?!" Iona looked down this time and saw that Star was holing a muddy Pokeball.
"Huh?" Iona took the ball "This must have been what I triped over thanks Star!" Iona patted Star on the head and then Arith came skipping along to see how Iona was doing when the Weedle used String Shot, witch wraped around Star, preventing her to move.
"So what did you catch? Uhh Star, use uhh.. oooh...... Flash." Star used Flash and lowered Weedle's accuracy, or temporarly blinding it there for missing the attack Poision Sting.
"Nothing" replyed Arith :shifty: :nervous:
"Yeah right let me see," Iona said looking annoyed. In the back ground Weedle and Star were still going at it with Flash and String Shot. Star had chewed her way out of the 'string' of the String Shot attack and used Tackle when all of a sudden,
"You caught a Caterpie! You were complaining about me trying to catch a Weedle, you hypocrite! Ugg! Nevermind." Iona turned back to the battle
"Star! thats good, now use Tackle again!" Star ran back over to the little bug and ran right smack into it's venomous stinger, badly poisoning Star.
"Oh no! Star!" Iona cried in destress as she watched her poor pokemon lie there, dieing of poison.
"Iona, you've got to call Star back before she gets really hurt." Arith told Iona.
"Yeah. You're right. C'mon back Star!" Iona replyed and called over to Star who weakly got up and started to walk over when Iona said
"On second thought maybe I should go get you :oops: " and at that moment Iona walked over and picked up Star.
"Arith can I have that Anitdote now?" Iona asked, putting Star down by her backpack.
"Sure, you go catch your Pokemon and I will give the Antidote to Star,"and Arith started looking for the Anitdote.
"Now for the Pokeball," Iona said as she grabed the once muddy Pokeball and said,
"Pokeball go!" and she threw the ball and waited.

FrozenChaos
06-08-2005, 08:54 PM
edit 2: ok im done :biggrin:

Finglonger
06-10-2005, 04:30 AM
Story: fairly basic, but I rather enjoyed it.

Grammar/structure: heres what hurt you. You have a good writing style, but you often switch tenses, stick to one. It wasn't too distracting, but everytime I saw it I had to stop reading, and think for a second before going on.

"Ahh!!!" Iona screamed as she fell out her yellow bed with a big thump. "Ugh!... Stupid alarm clock. " she mutters angrly.

mutters should be muttered, either that or you have to make the preceding sentence agree. I find it easier to write in past tense, but present is just as good, just a little more difficult. Some spelling errors, but nothing too bad, run it through spell check on word and you'll be fine there.

Detail: eh you seemed to speed through a lot of things. While some descriptions were pretty good, some were just lackluster. I wouldn't complain so much if it was all bad, but when some parts are really good, then I know you can do it just as well throughout...

Battle: This hurt you too. a little bit longer, maybe let weedle put up a better fight. Yeah I know its a weedle, but it can poison star or just make things relatively difficult. Just a little more and you'll be good here.

Length: eh back story was long enough, battle was not.

Outcome: weedle not captured. I could have overlooked the errors, that is, if the battle was a little bit longer. Don't worry about the errors in this story, just make the battle longer.... but on your next story know I'll be grading it harder and work on your details and tenses. So you can go ahead and edit the battle,then post something letting me know its complete, and if its enough then I'll approve....

FrozenChaos
06-10-2005, 09:58 PM
there its re-done :biggrin:

The Elite Ygseto
06-10-2005, 10:22 PM
I'll let Fing grade it again, I just have some tips.

1.) Put spaces in between paragraphs. Makes it look longer and it's easier to read that way.

2.) Write it in a Word processing program (MS Word). It cacths alot of the spelling mistakes and some grammer mistakes.

3.) Don't add smilies to the story. IMO it makes it look very unprofessional (Even if it is). You should discribe thier emotions with words.

Just some tips to help you.

FrozenChaos
06-10-2005, 10:25 PM
ok ill cut down on the smileys but i dont have that word prossessing thing, i know its sad
edit: oh my god! i put 24 smileys!!!!! :doh: i guess the retard put of me was kicking in :goofy:

The Elite Ygseto
06-10-2005, 11:29 PM
Here is a link to download a free word prcessor (It's legal).

http://www.download.com/AbiWord/3000-2079_4-10282312.html?tag=lst-0-1

FrozenChaos
06-11-2005, 12:52 AM
thanks
edit: how am i suppose to find it now?

Finglonger
06-11-2005, 04:08 AM
ok, the battle was better.

Outcome-Weedle captured, but just barely. Weedles fairly easy to catch and this was your first story, so Im taking it easy on you. Next time keep your tenses in check, look out for spelling, add more detail, and make the battle longer and more descriptive...

FrozenChaos
06-11-2005, 05:39 AM
*sigh* yay! thank you!! :banana:
edit: this story is continued (note the Part 1) but dont worry this ones only 2 parts