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Kingitar
06-08-2005, 09:35 PM
It was a sunny day. The warmth had brought out all the pokemon around Route 32. Kingitar was with his Horsea. He was planning to catch a Mareep. After a hour of unsuccesful attempts to catch a Mareep, Kingitar layed back and looked at the scenery. The sun's light shone brightly. The lakes were shining as if they were the sun themselves. The trees stood proud and tall. The lakes and trees were adorned with many pokemon. The frolicking Poliwags, the shedding Mareep, the running Rattata, and many more. The air around Kingitar was very hot. It was making him sleepy.
" It looks like your sleepy too, Horsea" Kingitar yawned. Both Kingitar and Horsea struggled to keep there eyes open.
"Horsea, Hor" replied Horsea, equally tired.
" Let's take a little lap" Said Kingitar before he went to sleep.
"Mar Mar Mar" said a strange pokemon.
"Ah!" screamed Kingitar. His scream woke up Horsea and frightned Mareep.
"Mareep! Mar! Mar! Mareep!" yelled Mareep. Then it used a Thunder shock on them. Kingitar, Horsea, and Kinitar's backpack were blasted a few yards away. Kingitar saw Horsea in a bad state.
" Hor...sea..." Horsea said weakly. Suddenly,it fainted! Kingitar quickly got Horsea to a pokemon center. When he came back he saw the Mareep feasting on his food.
"Hey! Stop eating my food!" The Mareep looked at him annoyingly.
"Ma-Reep!" it shouted releasing a Thunder attack.
"Ahhhh!" screamed Kingitar in pain. He quickly recovered and threw Horsea"s pokeball.
"Go Horsea! Start things of with a Twister!" Horsea' Twister attack blew Mareep away.
"Horsea" said Horsea confidently. Mareep let out a Thundershock.
" Horsea dodge it than use Hydro Pump!" ordered Kingitar. Horsea dodged the Thundershock with a quick side step. It inhaled and exhale tons of water. The force of the water was so great, it knocked Mareep into the water like it was a feather. When he saw Mareep struggling like a madman to keep afloat, he threw his pokeball.
"Pokeball, go!" shouted Kingitar. The pokeball hit Mareep, locking it in. Mareep struggled for a few seconds than surrendered. Kingitar leaped in joy.
"I caught my first pokemon! It's a Mareep!" Kingitar spent the remainer of the day celebrating his first pokemon caitch.

The Elite Ygseto
06-09-2005, 12:45 AM
Story- Pokemon finds trainer, pokemon fights trainer, trainer captures pokemon. Needs more plot/story to it. 3/20

Grammar/Spelling/Detail- Not bad spelling and grammer wise, couldn't find many mistakes. but there was no detail what so ever. nothing discribing the trainer, pokemon, or area.

Here is an example on how something should be writen;

By You = "Mareep! Mar! Mar! Mareep!" yelled Mareep. Then it used a Thunder shock on them. Kingitar, Horsea, and Kinitar's backpack were blasted a few yards away. Kingitar saw Horsea in a bad state.

Re-Done by me= "Mareep! Mar, Mar, Mareep!" Mareep barked at Kingtar.

"Wha?!" Kingtar said, startled by the pokemon's intrusion on his nap. "Woah! a Mareep! Nows my chance to capture it!" Kingtar started to get up when the Mareep sent a yellow bolt that knocked back Kingtar and Horsea. After the blow, kingtar survied his pokemon, Horsea was in a bad state.

5/20

Realism- Well there are two things, why did mareep just go and attack Kingtar, and how could Horsea stay on land for an hour looking for a pokemon?

3/20

Battle- Way, way, way to short (just like the rest of the story). It needs more detail and length.

0/20

Legnth- Also way to short, a basic story should have at least 10,000 letters in it.

0/20

Outcome- 10/100 = Not Captured. Work on your detail and length some more. Also add spaces between paragraphs. EDIT: Also never finsih a story after you captured the pokemon. It should end right when you threw the pokeball at it.