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Dr Scott
03-06-2009, 06:27 AM
The PE2K Faper
Volume 1: Issue 1

HALO - Fun Game or Mental Destroyer?

CHICAGO (PEF)-- Dr. Jim Yaper made a startling discovery last week when he officially linked playing Halo 3 matchmaking with mental retardation. This was backed by sheets of statistical data, all pointing to a loss in brain cells after each match.

“I wasn’t too surprised,” Dr. Yaper said, “my kids play and some of the stuff I hear coming from the screen surprises me. These cretins will constantly curse each other out for pressing buttons wrong, and turn on one another with the latest provocation. This type of behavior shows a rapid decline in evolution, moving back to a more primal cave man day, where one’s disputes were settled with clubs.”

Of course, his study was based off of more than simple observations. “I gave an IQ test to each of the volunteers, and then gave another after they were done playing a round of Halo. IQ had dropped at least one or two points, sometimes even more, depending on if a headset was given or not.”

The doctor became so engrossed in the changes of the minds of the Halo players that he decided to study himself in steps as he played in variable times. Starting at ten minutes, Yaper slowly played longer until he was going at upwards of three hours ever sit through. The first month of this he continued to analyze the data, taking small mathematical tests before and after each of the sessions. By the end of the month he was struggling with even the simplest of multiplication.

His wife began to get worried at the end of the first month, stating that ‘he was starting to count strange.’ When asked to elaborate, she said, “now he counts one, double kill, multi kill, and so on. He refuses to use any actual numbers besides one, stating that the game already tells him his kill to death ratio automatically.”

Shown in the middle is Dr. Yaper with his friend's,
Professor Jerping and lawyer Kent Hassle,all now working at Dairy Queen.

The doctor refused to comment on his obvious drop in intelligence, stating “yo biznitch that’s my power pack! Oh sword user, must have been such a tough kill, especially since I dropped my controller! What’s that? I suck? Well take a taste of team kill sucker!”

He submitted one last analysis, which simple read, “don’t get in the Mongoose in rocket race, just sit there and shoot them, it’s fun watching the noobs get mad.”

Incidentally, this situation perfectly mirrors the study by Dr. Karen Fitzland’s own into internet lingo, especially the use of the term ‘Mukipz.’


La Costuma Comes Alive

HOUSTON (PEF)-- A proud group of tight wearing men and women have recently joined together, forming the League of Spandex. The league is made up of a variety of citizens from around America, all joined together by their love of the tight fitting clothing.

The style was first made popular by Dick Hummington, a Texas native who started to wear the clothing to his job at a fast food joint.

“Honestly, I just didn’t have anything else to wear,” the 23 year-old said during an interview, “so I just borrowed my girlfriend’s spandex pants with some Spider Man shirt my little brother owned. One guy at the drive through told me that I looked great and that he was very proud of me for having the courage to do what he couldn’t.”

That man happened to be Lemon Dinn, a rich oil tycoon who soon started a clothing line, ‘La Costuma.’ To jumpstart the franchise he hired famous actor Toby McGuire, well known for his part as Spider Man in the movie.

McGuire spoke up for the company, saying that he was proud to be modeling the new brand. “It’s great to see people sporting the look and really showing their inner selves. I’ve privately worn tights for years, and have even stole a few from the set of the Spider Man movies.”

When asked if he was being truthful, the actor laughed and said “it would take a contract of at least a few thousand to get me to do these commercials, seventeen to be exact. Paid in checks every three weeks.”

Whether it was the commercials or great business savvy, Dinn’s company began to take off. Never have so many plus sized sets of clothing been sold, and the Texas-based stores were quickly able to start branches throughout the world. With sizes like ‘Super Large’ and ‘Mega Gigantic,’ even the biggest clients were able to find what they need and butter themselves up to squeeze their new suits on.

Pictured here is Dallas La Costuma manager 'SuperSavings,'
who came up with the saying 'we stick to the best prices!'

Still, every major business has their fair share of skeptics, like Ben Brown from Niles, Indiana. “I think it’s just a fad,” the La Costuma hater said in a column for the local paper, “with all the hero movies people suddenly think they can fight crime as long as each ripple of fat is showing throw their super tight shirts. Every single time one of these movies comes out La Costuma’s sales double.”

This statement was backed up today when sales went through the roof just hours before the premiere of the new movie Watchmen. Sales are estimated to break the all-time single day high held by Abercrombie and Fitch, who held a sale the night Brokeback Mountain was released. To celebrate this, Dinn started the League of Spandex, giving members a La Costuma club card that will give rewards and help loyal customers save precious money that could be saved buying prom dates or McDonald’s cheeseburgers.

What caused the stores rapid rise in popularity is still unknown, though the League of Spandex are quick to let everyone know, their slogan becoming ‘we’re here to stay with their +4 helms of patience.’

Ironically, sales for puke buckets have tripled since the companies’ creation.

The PE2K Faber is looking for talented writers. PM Dr Scott with an example of your writing and you might be able to join the coveted staff!

03-06-2009, 09:12 PM
xDD Awesome job Scott. Hilarious. Though that guy in the spandex picture looks almost creepily like a guy that graduated from my high school last year. 0o

03-06-2009, 10:17 PM
W00t! Houston was included! Nice issue.

Game Over
03-06-2009, 10:57 PM
I thought the article about the doctor playing halo and then struggling to do math was funny and even interseting. Nice job, hope you do more of these sometime in the future.

03-06-2009, 11:45 PM
I thought the article about the doctor playing halo and then struggling to do math was funny and even interseting. Nice job, hope you do more of these sometime in the future.
Yea the halo one was funny. Lol *looks at my name*.