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Old 04-07-2007, 06:10 AM
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Deathspector Offline
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Hyderabad, India
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Default Re: [ untitled fanfiction // preview ]


Lord Zangoose telling Kaze to watch out for my Fic. That's got to be a first. Kaze, don't worry about not being a popular author. You're probably better known by the newer lot of members than plenty of us oldies. Well, I'm not really an oldy, but I'm older here than you are so I can be called an oldy...XD.

Anyway, I like the idea. Original and keeps me wanting more. I have several things that will help it improve. I'm not saying that you write badly, but seeing as you asked for ways to improve, I'll oblige.

Firstly, your description with little words is all very nice, but it's also very unnatural. Your writing style, as I've seen in Reflection, is more suited for deep and powerful descriptions. You do that in minutes. But using few words effectively is a technique very few people have mastered. If you're looking for quick description that won't bother the action (my next point) try reading one of the Artemis Fowl books by Eion Colfer. They're not long, and take about 24 hours to finish and enjoy. They're witty, and use very little description. he conjures up a picture using very few words, and I never felt that I don't know what something looks like while reading his books. They're very, very good, that way.

And now, onto the action. No offense, Kaze, but it's a bit bland. I know I'm being a bit mean and all, but just to tell you, that this sort of action (the way you're writing it now), needs a little more hype to it. Less description about how the Zigzagoon moves, but more about what Whiteash is thinking when the Zigzagoon. But apart from that, it's pretty good.

Reading it over would help, 'cause I caught this:

Summer had come early in the mountains, and food was plentiful.
“Mom is almost upset,” Hawk whispered, looking at his paws. “It’s a hot summer, and prey’s scarce..."
Contrdiction. I'm sure it was accidental, and it's nothing much.

Anyway, on to my own opinions. Personally, I like it. I've always liked the way you write, and like how quickly you maange to keep the posts coming. You have skill, and you're using it. It's good. I'm looking forward to readin this. Oh, and on title, how about "Disaster Sense". Meh...I've never ben good at this kind of stuff...XD


// The Poet Of The Fall \\
^ Last update: 22 June 2009 ^
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