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Old 05-14-2007, 04:51 PM
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SiberianTiger Offline
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Default Re: The Case of the Amazing Diamond of Tremendous Amounts of Wealth!

[U]Plot/Storyline[C]: A detective is asked to help with a stolen diamond, he then visits the house to learn more and his Mankey assistant spots something, upon further investigation itís a Zigagoon who happened to have stolen the diamond. A brief struggle occurs before the detective captures it.

Not exactly commonplace so I think you did a god job, the whole case was over a little to quick for me but itís just a Zigzagoon, For future reference though you might want to pace it a little more so it doesnít flow slowly or to fast.
Overall good job and keep up the plots.

Grammar/Spelling: Okay, we had a few problems grammar wise as well as a few minor problems with the spelling.

So first up with the grammar: Luckily you didnít make a bunch of different mistakes, it was more you just made one mistake throughout and that was you kept placing a comma before the word ĎAndí unfortunately that doesnít work.

Originally Posted by You
Now I continued to the other side, and Pig began to ask questions.
The word ĎAndí in almost all cases eliminates the need for a comma so itís not needed.

Like I said itís minor but you continually made that mistake the whole way through the story. On the flip side just everything else was perfect stay this sentence:

Originally Posted by You
As I was admiring the large chandeliers, when I heard a deep angry voice, from a room up stairs.
That period turns the sentence into a fragment, using a semicolon or a comma should fix it.

Also periodically you kept placing your quotation marks a space away from your dialogue sentences which youíre not supposed to do so watch out for that.

In the spelling department you just probably were typing to fast and skipped a letter. But there were a few others like:

Originally Posted by You
The old man picked up his quill, and massaged his hand. He thought about what he had wrote,
Wrote should be written in that context. Likewise:

Originally Posted by You
Whatever I had saw was gone.
Saw should be seen.

[U]Description/Detail/U]: Not youíre strongest area Iím afraid or at least not here; it was good enough for a Zigzagoon and probably enough for something even higher up but I still think you needed more, I myself could only try to picture what you were saying as there wasnít anything regarding the layout of anything. Your attacks were described nicely enough but the actual surroundings werenít mentioned often enough for me. Still like I said this was more then enough.

Length: Enough.

Battle: Attacks described nicely, a little short for my taste but w/e itís good enough, for future reference I suggest you focus on making the battle sequence at little longer and a bit more action packed, not saying I didnít like this one cause I did but itís still for future reference.

Outcome: Zigzagoon aka thiefÖ. Captured! more then enough for the Raccoon, just work on the things I mentioned and keep writing, good job.


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[22:48] Zinata360: I got my avvie done
[22:49] Zinata360: May Norman, she'll eat your babies.
[22:49] TigerintheArk: Dude, that so fails. Doesn't fit at all.
[22:49] Zinata360: Fine, what should I make it say?
[22:49] Ultramr101: May Norman, she'll have your babies.
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