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Old 05-30-2007, 06:06 AM
Psychic Offline
Master Trainer
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On Serebiiforums
Posts: 445
Default Re: A Lonely Fate [One-Shot]

Heh, I once saw another One-Shot like this, with an HM slave thinking about how worthless they were. I don't remember it all that well, but I think I like the way you wrote yours more. It gave some great insight into the mind of the HM slave and actually showed us how he felt through the use of the battle scene in which he just sits off to the side watching enviously. Great idea there, and you pulled it off very well!

Grammar however, was not so good. There were many, MANY silly mistakes the whole way through, from the simple mix of of using 'here' instead of 'hear' ('here' means "I am right here" and 'hear' means "I can hear him breathing"). There was also mixing up of words, as in writing "I bitterly thought." when it should be "I thought bitterly."

Punctuation the whole way through was very off and it's clear you don't know some basic things. Two things I'll teach you right now:
Quote:
1) “Medicham!”, the trainer exclaimed in horror at the sound of the loud thud.
There should only be a punctuation mark BEFORE, aka INSIDE the quotation marks. NEVER put punctuation right after. So instead it should be:
“Medicham!” the trainer exclaimed in horror at the sound of the loud thud.
Or you could change the exclamation mark to a comma if he's not yelling, as in
“Medicham,” the trainer exclaimed in horror at the sound of the loud thud.


Quote:
2) “That was amazing Roxas!”, Mistress congratulated.
Whenever adressing somebody, you need a comma. So it should instead be (while fixing BOTH mistakes)
“That was amazing, Roxas!” Mistress congratulated.

Such mistakes are sprinkles throughout and they generally make this somewhat frustrating to read, as they're easy to find and personally, spelling mistakes really distract me in a piece and take away from the overall quality.



Description was also very iffy- I don't know if PE2K treats description the same way SPPf does, but back at Serebii we usually try to describe Pokémon themselves. Of course, the surroundings, attacks and so on also deserved a bit more description (especially attacks as it could have made them seem more cool, powerful and impressive) but the Pokémon could have looked stronger and more intimidating, which would consequently have made Geodude feel even weaker in comparison and the readers would therefore sympathize with him more whch is ultimately the goal of this One-Shot: to show us how our HM Slaves feel when they're ignored. :/

Also, since these are Fourth Generation Pokémon it's more important to describe them, especially since not everyone is all that familliar with them yet- after all the games haven't been out that long. Also, I, as well as a good few other people have not yet had the pleasure of played the games and are therefore much less familliar with the new places and of course Pokémon.

But even then, a brief idea of what the Pokémon looked like would have been good. You could easily have done this as well as made the Pokémon look quite impressive. For instance *goes to find a picturepf Infernape*
Quote:
Roxas the Infernape came out with a fiery entrance, eager to make Mistress proud.
That could have, with only a few more minutes put into it, come out looking like this:
Quote:
Mistress flung the Pokéball onto the field, and upon impact it burst open, and in a flash of light Roxas appeared. His sleek, muscular form towered over the opposing Roserade, his brown and white coat shimmering in the sunlight. A mane of flames emerging from his head flared powerfully, the gold armor covering his body shining. The Infernape's eyes seemed to glow with a passion, and his mouth was twisted into a smug grin.
Well, not amazing, but you get the idea. It's the same with Infernape's 00ber-awesome-cool-KOing Fire Blast attack- it got more description than most other things, but otherwise wasn't all that impressive and its effect seemed to be more humorous than glorious (ie when it burned the Roserade to a pulp).

So yeah, description was generally lacking and I think you could have done a lot more with it.



Characters were pretty good, but not too much personality shone through other than Geodude being all sad and Cherap pitying him somewhat. However, VERY good caal on not giving Geodude his name, and whether you did this simply because your in-game Geodude has no name or to show the Trainer's distaste for him (which, by the way, was done quite well) it really shows the way the Trainer draws a line between friend and slave and is very powerful. I think you could have played around with this a bit more, though.

But even though the characters were simple, you still got the message across strongly. Good job on that anyway. XD


Anyways, it was generally okay- the writing itself wasn't too good, but the idea behind it was great and the way it was attempted to be portrayed seemed well-thought out. You did a pretty good job but in the future I'd suggest finding a Beta. Also, get out and read- that way you'll get a better feeling for English grammar and you'll learn and improve as you read.

Nice job,
~Psychic
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