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Old 06-24-2007, 10:09 PM
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Default Re: Staring Death In The Face {PG 13}

I'm here, as Adam has waited a ridiculously long time to get this thing graded. As such, I will try and make this as short and to the point as possible.

Story: Well, it seems simple enough, but the story soon takes some very dark turns. I don't believe I've seen such brutality in the Pokemon universe, as with our hero getting shot and having to go to the hospital for an operation! Stories tend to be all sugary sweet with the Pokemon series, at least the majority of the ones I've seen, and this succeeded in being the complete opposite. It was almost upsetting, actually.

There are a few issues I have with this, mostly with the grammar and some of the realism, but I will get to those later in my grade. This was a surprise, though, so give yourself a cookie for thinking up something so original and frightening. It takes real skill to incorporate real-life events in stories, as some writers try to avoid such topics for fear of criticism - kids getting shot at is an especially strong subject. I recently read an article in a newspaper about the growing number of children getting shot at by guns in movies, which I suppose upsets many people; but that's life, even if it's an ugly truth.

I guess you can say I really like that you took something so controversial and added it to your tale, even if it was just because you thought it would be an interesting addition. Stories can be very powerful means of communication, and you never know just who you may affect with something of this subject... words have power when you infuse them with meaning.

As I said, there were things that could be fixed here and there, but I feel you deserve credit for taking a risk. Next time, maybe you can elaborate on how such an event changed the characters and the people around them. While I think it was handled pretty well, I didn't see much emotion from Adam regarding the fact that he was shot... you think he would be wary of the outside world, and maybe depressed for months. In any case, good work with getting this across in the first place. I try to avoid such miserable topics with stories here, but you tackled one head-on.

That was a bit much, I'm afraid... hopefully, you understand what I'm trying to say. =P

Spelling/Grammar: To be honest, you could use plenty of work here. I'll just select the basics for now.

Pidgey’s flew across the orange sky. The quite breeze blew past calmingly. Pokemon played happily with there Trainers and there were smiles on everyone’s faces.
There are a couple things wrong with this one, so here we go...

First, your comma usage when it comes to characters and Pokemon is usually incorrect. In the opening sentence, you have 'Pidgey's', which indicates here that something belongs to it, which is incorrect. However, when you are saying something along the lines of, "Pidgey's wing is broken!" THEN you use the form that is done here. When just referring to a group of them, you just add an 's', no commas or anything...

In the second sentence, you just spelled 'quiet' wrong, so no big deal there. Finally, in the last sentence I have listed, you use the wrong form of 'there'.

There --> referring to a place - "There's something in the bushes over there."
Their --> referring to a person, something belonging to them, and so on - "I wish I could read their minds."

Guess which one you have to use. Anyway, keep those in mind for future reference.

Adam Shot out his Pokeball to the ground and the huge bird Pokemon flew out.
You randomly capitalized 'shot' for some reason, and you also did that with a few other words throughout the story. You only need to capitalize people, places, things (Pokemon items in this case), and nothing more. Watch out for them.

Gengar grinned. He put his arms forward and
Um... what happens next? Even if that's where it ends, it should be indicated by at least a '...' or something, or it's just plain confusing. Always end your sentences, even if it's something like this or dialogue.

"Umbreon, use Faint Attack!" Ball roared.
Of course, you have to end the sentence here. You also need a comma after 'Umbreon', as someone would normally take a pause there if they were to actually speak these. You do this sometimes, and you forget to with other pieces of dialogue and the like, but you also have to end the dialogue - either with a comma, period, whatever. I bolded my corrections for you. :)

Garchomp popped out of its Pokeball. It looked just like a Sandy monster it stood high and tall over the stadium.
Again, 'sandy' is randomly capitalized. I also don't think this is a great description for Garchomp at all. It resembles a dragon and a shark, and it's also several different colors, so you could have told us that... 'sandy monster' just makes me think of some giant blob of sand, and that's not what it looks like at all.

“Ok, I am not going to take this anymore!, Let's go Houndour!” Yelled Adam.
As I said, end the dialogue and the sentence somehow... you also put a random comma after the first exclamation mark, which is extremely unnecessary. Any word after a period or anything else that ends a sentence also needs to be capitalized ('Let's' in this case). You might also want to spell out 'okay' in the future, although that's just a preference of mine.

“You're back, why didn’t the doctors inform (us) that you were ok? Well, who cares, you're back,” said Mrs. Walker happily.
This little gem was probably the messiest sentence in the entire story, and I found it in the second post if you want to go hunting for it. Instead of yelling at you, I made my corrections in bold. I will tell you the difference between 'your' and 'you're', since you used them incorrectly, though.

Your --> possessive - "I'm packing up your things."
You're --> contraction for 'you are' - "You're the laziest person I've ever met!"

Random capitalizations, occasional spelling errors (start using MS Word or get someone to help you), messy dialogue with incorrect grammar abound, comma usage... needless to say, you will need to improve on your grammar and spelling the most. =/

Length: I'm tempted to say Drifloon needs more, especially with some of the grammar errors and the like, but I guess this is fine for the most part.

Detail/Description: Okay, I'm going to be blunt here... someone who gets shot, no matter in what area, won't be walking around and be all energetic within the same day, much less a week or so. Besides grammar issues, that bothered me the most. It was more than a little bizarre seeing Adam up and about a few paragraphs after the incident, laughing and participating in Pokemon battles after getting shot in the chest. Although this is fictional, I can assure you that's still impossible. Adam would probably be in a hospital bed for months before being diagnosed as healthy once again, and a bullet wound isn't just something that can heal itself automatically. Really, this could have been a good opportunity for you to describe things as they progressed during this time - maybe he dreams of something while he's in the hospital, and wakes up a few weeks later surrounded by friends and family. I guess that's grossly typical of movies and such, but it would have worked better than this, in my opinion. Although realism shouldn't play a huge part in Pokemon stories, as they're largely fictional, the idea of someone being "okay" after being shot is a little ridiculous... maybe Pokemon could play a role in the healing process (something like Chansey, or ones like that), but I don't think they'd be able to completely heal a bullet wound in just a few short hours.

Other than that, you could have fleshed out many parts of your story, too, including the dialogue. You usually just typed out what someone would say without telling us what expressions they had or HOW they said it, which should be done every now and then, in my opinion.

Otherwise, make sure and tell us how characters, Pokemon, and settings look like, even if it's just by two or three sentences. Keep trying harder with this section.

Battle: You had many basics attack Drifloon, which made for a varied and interesting battle. Besides all the grammar mistakes, I thought this wasn't too bad... I don't remember the balloon being able to learn Recover, though.

Normally, I would make something like this a failed capture due to all the mistakes, but I have to learn to lighten up, this isn't a Lucario or anything, and you waited a long time for this to get graded, so...

Outcome: Drifloon Captured! - Improve on grammar and spelling, details, and maybe realism.

Last edited by Seawolf; 06-25-2007 at 07:07 PM.
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