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Old 08-27-2007, 10:50 AM
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Iridium Offline
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: India
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Default Re: Burn Magby Burn(Ready for Grading)

Story: A boy named Matty is on his way to Lavaridge Town with his prized Elekid to get a fire type pokemon. He meets a woman there, who tells him that the sand is very soothing and Matty tries to lie in the sand. He falls asleep, and when he wakes up, he sees a Magby with its snout in a garbage dump. He tries to go near the Magby, but it runs away. He keeps on finding it, and finally one day finds it, challenges it and tries to catch it. Nothing too great, but its fine for your first story.

Grammar: The grammar was really good, great job. Just one thing Iíd like to point out:

"Elekid use ThunderPunch!"
There should be a space between Thunder and Punch.

Detail: There wasnít much detail in your story. I could hardly picture your character, the lady, your surroundings. Try to put as much detail as you can. Describe a personís appearance, his hair colour, any specific thing about him, the way he talks, the way he walks. You can even describe the pokemon, for extra detail. Overall, not a good job.

Length: Enough, so no complaints here.

Battle: Your battle wasnít much interesting, you just made the two pokemon use attacks one by one. Try to describe the appearances of the attacks. You could even describe the smell of the fire attacks. Make use of the abilities too. Try to mix up the attacks, just like the anime.

Outcome: Iíll be a little lenient, since this is your first story. Magby Captured! Next time, make your battle more interesting, add more detail and think of a more complex plot. Donít think that just because this story wasnít that good, your other stories will also be the same. Everyoneís like this in the beginning. Good Luck for your next story

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