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Old 09-27-2007, 05:54 AM
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Default Re: Heart of Vengeance

Thanks for deleting your stuff, Scott. Anyway, let's do this!

Story: This entire story almost sounds like a role-playing game. The main character loses a friend to a storm, then reads a myth about these five spirits, and she goes to search for one of them after discovering that the soul of her friend has been stolen by one of them... which is almost standard quest stuff. Lucky for you, however, I happen to love things like this. I only have one issue with the entire story, but I will get to that a bit later.

Your introduction kept me interested, and the very concept of some creature (or spirit, or thing...) stealing the souls of trespassers and not allowing them to pass on is not like Pokemon at all, which is to say, it was a breath of fresh air. While I have seen things like this in fantasy games and books before, there is something about your writing style that managed to make this not so cliché, but relatively original and very enjoyable.

However, I think that the story was packed with more plot and conflict than character development, which I find very important. We are able to see just a small fraction of Rila's personality, and the other characters are just as mysterious to me, too. The Umbreon is obviously close to Rila, but I was really only able to see that at the very end of the story, as I did not see too much of him until then. Dane, the man who takes her in and shows her the myth, is also a main character, and besides the battle, I did not see much of his personlity shine. To be honest with you, I think you spent so much time building up just the story itself that you forgot about your characters. Strangely, the one character that I think had the most personality here so far was Andre, and he died early on. His almost carefree nature was reflected perfectly by your writing, and what happened to him was probably the most powerful (not to mention very sad) part of this tale so far.

Speaking of Andre, the second post almost makes him seem like Rila's lover, but it is never specified. I realize Andre was in the story for about a post, but I believe it is still vital for readers to know exactly what kind of relationship these two had, whether they were only friends or otherwise- I think it will add greatly to the Rila character and how she grows and changes as the story progresses. The flashback was short and sweet, but it did not seem like enough to seal the deal. This goes for Umbreon and Dane also, but Rila needs the most construction done here. She has the potential to be a strong character, and I am not seeing that here at the moment. Perhaps if you continue this, you should take some time to work on Rila, Dane, their relationship (it will be necessary, if they are going to be traveling together for the rest of the story now), and maybe some of the Pokemon involved (Umbreon, mostly).

Do not get me wrong; this is a great piece of work all the same, but as I understand it, you are a writer looking for constructive comments to further improve, and I am just giving you my humble opinion. Please, make sure to send me a message or anything if you have something to say about all this, or if you want specifics about something I said here. :)

These kinds of things are difficult for me as well, and I will admit I easily lose track of a character or the actual plot when it comes to stories... I almost feel like a hypocrite for saying all this stuff. All the same, this is the main problem I had with Heart of Vengeance, and I was sure you would appreciate something like this more as opposed to a moronic, “This is amazing! There is absolutely nothing you have to improve on! No errors at all!”... or so I hope.

Spelling/Grammar: Well, that was grossly long, so I am happy to report there is not much I have to put for this section. Yay!

They spoke more about the idea of becoming the wealthiest members of the town once they retrieved the pearls from the colony of Clampearl.
The creature's name is actually spelled Clamperl, but that would be dumb to point out to you. Oh, wait.

The lightning ended. The waves flattened.
This is just my opinion, but I think this would have been better with just a semicolon between them. There were other 'short' sentences like this throughout the story that I think could have been like that, too.

Unfortunately her hesitation would cost her as the monkey awoke within a few seconds, half his HP restored.
Technical terms should be avoided in stories, at least to me. 'Health' would have been better.
That is about it, really. Your spelling and grammar is nearly flawless, as you already know.

Length: This is more than enough for the flying fossil, and the story alone nails it. Fantastic.

Detail/Description: I am actually jealous of your skills in this section. Your descriptive words and speech just flow well, and they almost jumped out at me as I read the story. It was easy enough to picture the raging oceans, the ravaged ship, and the Pokemon battles... it is something all writers should strive for, and you do a pretty good job of that.

Of course, I have one thing to say...

He refused to show it across his water-pruned face, but in his heart he knew that Atreya would never see the beautiful side of a coastline again.
I saw the word 'beautiful' plenty of times here, especially in the first post. In a class I took last term, my teacher told us that besides the word 'interesting', the word 'beautiful' is too vague, and all good writers should generally avoid using it as much as possible. I thought it was something you might be interested in hearing; I found that he was right on target with this. It has been very hard for me to substitute those exact words, but I think if you or anyone else can convey those meanings without having to use the words mentioned above, well... then you are just that much closer to being a fantastic writer, not to mention my eternal idol!

Battle: More like battle(s), since there were so many. They were full of action and plenty of details (which is always in style), and I actually felt excited while I was reading them. I was actually cheering for Dragonite and Umbreon while they took on the Aerodactyl, and I think that pretty much sums everything up. If you can make a reader feel something through your writing, you have basically done your job. I hope you continue this; I think it is vibrant, full of life, and one of the best stories I have seen here in awhile.

The peach dragon regained composure and belched out a second beam, but this one of ice. Rila could feel the coldness of it, even in standing several yards away. The wicked ice slapped the dactyl with a method not unlike a machine gun. Over and over the Rock and Flying type was pelted with ice. And suddenly, in the midst of the attack, Aerodactyl managed to create one himself.
I liked the words used here- this was a good example of something I could easily picture as it was happening. 'Belched' is almost strange to use here, but it was creative all the same.

Outcome: Aerodactyl Captured! - It was obvious enough, I think.

Last edited by Seawolf; 10-05-2007 at 03:10 AM.
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