Thread: Lost and Found
View Single Post
Old 02-26-2008, 09:07 PM
The Jr Trainer's Avatar
The Jr Trainer Offline
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 8,426
Send a message via AIM to The Jr Trainer Send a message via MSN to The Jr Trainer Send a message via Yahoo to The Jr Trainer Send a message via Skype™ to The Jr Trainer
Default Re: Lost and Found

Mine. D:

A boy is wondering around the streets and comes to his home, making his way to his room. Wakes up, sneaks past his mother and father to get ready for school. Gets to school, but no one seems to see him when he talks to them. He makes his way home and sees his mother making dinner, the phone rings: he’s really a dead kid. He runs off into the rain, and takes to an old blind guy. Comes home and sees his mom watching a video, then Sneasel comes out. He finds out how he died, and then is given another chance for life.

This was a very good story, not to mention, it has a good lesson in it: don’t drink and drive… if that’s what you were aiming for. :P Anyways, this was original, it seemed to have a nice flow to it, the beginning really sucked me in and I just wanted to read more as I read more. It had a nice original throw at it as well, it wasn’t like anything I’ve ever read before. You really did put a nice spin on it, I would’ve never thought the Tentacool was going to be fought for on the video tape, nevertheless, it was a nice interesting turn in the story.

This was defiantly effort taking, and took a lot of time to come up with… maybe. D: Again, it was original, and wasn’t so skip-e. I can’t really find anything that seemed boring, or old-schooled here. D:

I did like this a lot it was very taking, especially if you know how it is to lose someone in real life. :x

This was also great, you seemed to not just go out in one paragraph, you expanded the introduction of the characters to full force and didn’t just leave it at that. You explained where they were, what kind of place it was. I could see every part of the surroundings. And for the characters, you didn’t just go with the looks, like most people do, but you went a step further and showed their emotions, what they were like, which made the story at that much better.

Also, you brought out the plot in the story. Questions were asked which made me think, how did this happen, what did happen, so on and such. Which really got me hooked into the story which is what you are aiming to do.

I didn’t find anything here, the only few things I saw were a few maybe typos. The plot really took me in, and I couldn’t really see anything else, as I was stuck in the story and just reading, not looking for mistakes, which is a very good thing. D:

And the things that seemed to just be typos, or something of the sorts. :P

godforsaken party of his like last month and we would have a tiny clue
“Would” should be “wouldn’t” I’m guessing, since they didn’t know where he was, and if they did I don’t think they’d be having that conversation. D:

deep in conversation with a group of girl.
“Girl” should be “girls” since a group is more than one.

Once again, it might just be typos, well, actually I’m pretty sure they were typos. But they took me out of the story for a few seconds, though they’re really nothing much to worry about, just don’t want to make too many of them.

Just above what the minimum for these two Pokemon, but the rest of the story makes up for this indefinitely. D:

Why even comment on this, I don’t know. This was, like the rest of the story, great. It was really eye popping and made me able to see every single itsy bit of the story, which made it all the more fun to read, though I wouldn’t expect less. :x Anyhow, this was extremely vivid. You didn’t leave a single part of the story out, you told about the sky, the surroundings, the people, the Pokemon, the voices, the emotions (which most people tend to leave out). Everything was almost like it was in front of me just, as if I were watching a movie with color and everything. This really made me get indulged into the story, it connected the telling of the story, to the things in the story; it really made me happy. xD

I just want to pull out one thing, the emotions and personality that you put into the story. It really showed, in emotional stories such as this, personalities of the characters can divide the story in a good way or a bad way. The ones (personalities) you gave the people in your story were almost life-like, Tom, who seemed like a big tough guy, wasn’t emotional, and I doubt many bodybuilding like people, cry or show emotions very much, it was very life-like in a sense.

Kudos here as well. D:

Or I should say battle/s/. These were probably the lower part of the story, but still very good through my eyes. The only problem I really saw with them was that there wasn’t many attacks used, you described them well, but each Pokemon only used three attacks in the Sneasel battle, which seems a bit short to me. :x Don’t get me wrong, these battles were very good, but they seemed out of the story really, like they didn’t blend well with it, like you wrote them in a hurry, but not the rest of the story, which is a bit weird. D:

On another note, I’ve yet to read a story where the story continues on after the final battle takes place, which is an interesting concept here, but it really explains the plot and doesn’t leave the reader hanging as to what is going to happen, and make them worry about everything. Which we don’t want.

Final Outcome:
Yeah, this was a great story. I didn’t find much wrong with it really. I think I sounded to nice, but I didn't see any horrid things, other than this grade. Dx But, whatever… your two Pokemonz are yours now. D:

Sneasel & Tentacool captured!

Don't even think about asking about the colors. :x

Last edited by The Jr Trainer; 02-26-2008 at 10:42 PM. Reason: The grade was added D:
Reply With Quote