Thread: The Revolution
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Old 06-20-2008, 08:58 PM
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The Jr Trainer Offline
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Chicago, Illinois
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Default Re: The Revolution

MY COMPUTER DELETED YOUR GRADE WHEN I WAS DONE. So this is gonna be very choppy.

Good here. I could see you adding a bit more of fun into it, but nothing to really worry about since I know you know what you're doing when you write. Just make sure that you have a nice memorable story when it's all done. By the end of the story - or rather the middle - the reader should really be into the story and feel everything that the characters are feeling. And having something to break away from the usual kind of story makes a good point too. The flow of this story seemed a bit off at some points, so justr make sure that the wole story fits together like a puzzle. You can't just slam two pieces of a puzzle together, they have to fit together and so do stories - they have to be put together by what they inhabit, not by just random things being slapped together in random spots! Just make sure your whole entire story fits together, not just some or most of it. ^^;

Otherwise good job here, and I can't really say much on how to improve such a simple plot, since simple plots are usually what I enjoy the most; they always seem to be better than those complicated complex plots that are sometimes hard to follow or get thrown into it.

Mmm, this was good. I could see it being a little bit more eye popping though. Maybe adding in something that gets the readers attention and makes them want to keep reading out of interest because the story seems like it might be fun to read, or something along those lines. A good starting to a story will make a good ending to one. =P

I saw really reasonable mistakes, only one that I really want to point out though it was probably just a slip of your finger when typing the story, and since it was only one of the few I say I'll point it out so you know what kind of little mistakes to look for in the future.

Aton felt sick, but he shoved it too the back of his mind, and focused on moving himself forward.
Too, should be "to." Since your Aton isn't doing something with someone, too would be more like "Aton shoved it to the back of his mind too." if someone else was doing the same as them.

lol Good enough for me if it's good enough for you.

This was good but I could see you adding in more emotion into your description. Emotion changes description from really good, but a little stale to very fluffy and eye popping, along with the reader being able to feel the what you told about that something. Maybe fire instead of being red and bursting into something it could be, "The flames sparkled from the jaws of the flaming-haired dog and pierced the rock square in the stomaching groaning as it fell to the ground and the fiery blast trounced away disappearing into the dark sky." That could be so much more fun than just the regular "The fire flew from the Pokemon's mouth and raged toward its enemy." Something to put an umphh on the description... thats where emotion comes in. It makes it a lot more fun and not to mention beusties up the story a bit. ;)

This was pretty long, but I could see it being a bit more descriptive. Though I liked it, battles can always be improved; I'll tell you that much. They're never perfect, but can get very close to it. Make sure that you keep the battles long and fun to read, not boring and... boring. Make use of fun attacks like Will O Wisp or Toxic. The battle doesn't just have to be attacking moves back and forth. Anything is possible in a battle, just make it fun to read. If you had fun writing it, it will be fun to read <--- very true. Keep that in mind, it should come in handy sometime in the future I bet. ;P

I can't keep the bugs from you. This story was perfect for these two little guys. :D Bug and bug #2 captured!!

Last edited by The Jr Trainer; 06-22-2008 at 09:51 PM.
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