This certainly has a tantalizing beginning--I can say that much. Your writing is quite good, and you balance sentence structure and art carefully, managing to add a flare in style to the varying lengths of each separate thought. For a first chapter, you looked quite deeply into the human soul--the only downside to a writing style like this... is the possibility that the material will dwindle. It's strenuous to keep up, but rewarding--very much so. Point being, I'm liking the style so far, and the emotions Girl is feeling are fascinating in that 'train-wreck' sort of way, minus the horrid circumstances that the 'train-wreck' analogy is generally directed towards.
As far as punctuation goes, you had a few semi-colon mishaps and I recall an apostraphe error somewhere around there (I'll point them out, if you like), but everything else is decent. You certainly take an artistic liberty with your commas without actually murdering them, which is a great skill to have.
On to actual criticism.
Well, at this point, I don't think I can give any. That's a good thing--the only time I give criticism early on in a piece is when the author does something horribly wrong. You probably won't have any half-decent constructive criticsm from me until... chapter seven, mayhaps.
Okay. Gushing time.
I love your concept. I'm not just saying that; 'love' is not a term I throw around, especially when referring to writing. Blergh. Obsession is one of my all-time favorite story veins, because it can account for so much insanity without actually making any logical sense to anyone but the obsessee.... It's such an enrapturing emotion to read when written properly. Obsession can effectively fuel every single one of the prominent emotions of passion, which makes it a beautiful, tragic thing all on its own.
I'm hoping for a whole slew of similarly amazing threads, which I've already seen with the silver ring, the number, the voice and the name. My Booky-Sense tells me that you're not done with them yet. >.>
Lending realism to fantasy is just... a concept that pulls me in. I'll definitely be back for another read.
~IGC t DM+
EmBreon is the maple syrup to my slightly undercooked crepe
khajmer = biffle
yoface = broham
thegalleonman: (8:37:28 PM) How sad.
thegalleonman: (8:37:37 PM) I'm amused.