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Old 09-07-2008, 09:06 AM
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Default Re: 524

Oh my...

First off, I'd like to offer my congratulations. From the moment I set eyes on the beginning of the piece, right until the end of the Prologue, I really couldn't take my eyes away. And coming from me, that's a great achievement, considering that I have a rather short attention span. Your writing, however, is immensely captivating, and coupled with the rather unique but familiar theme, you've already drawn me in and have me wanting eagerly for more.

Like IGC said, you've really gone deep into the human soul, and while I certainly do enjoy reading works like that, do be careful that you don't run out of ideas or beliefs too early into the story. Beyond that, the only real problems I found were that one or two of your sentences were a bit too long. Now, I, myself, have nothing against long sentences using a fair few myself , but perhaps if you were to shorten a few, then it would add to the sort of...worried voice that your piece has started off in. I also noticed one incident where your choice of word was maybe not the best, but it certainly does get across what you were trying to say. Lemme go find it...

Quote:
Only a few moths ago now, a few months since she had awoken on a dusty, wooden floor, her head banging with an indescribable pain and her vision blurred.
Perhaps "banging" isn't the right word to use in that situation, as it gives the impression that Girl is physically beating her head against said "indescribable pain". In my eyes, a word like "throbbing", "pounding", or "searing" (depending on the sort of pain that Girl was feeling) would work better, but I won't tell you to change it. It is your piece after all.

Enough of that, however. I really love what I've read so far. Like IGC said again (damn, she seems to be able to read my mind) "love" is not a word I use casually with regard to reviewing stories, and so it shows how much your piece has actually captivated me.

I've always been a sucker for stories where nothing is revealed at the beginning, and so am quite interested in seeing how all of this fits into place. I'd also like to compliment you on your use of seemingly insignificant things all thrown in together, creating a mystic air to the story so far.

Keep up the good work, WTS. You've found yourself another reader.

Deathspector
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